Yech

Playlist

Natsukoi by SID

Yech. Thats the only suitable word, or non-word, that I an use to describe my day. Woke up feeling heavy. My body was like two hundred tonnes and counting. Lack of sleep, although I slept before midnight, and I did not wake up at night. Deep sleep for 7hours and I'm so bloody tired nonetheless. Humid day. Yeah, in the tropics in the middle of the year. Northern hemisphere and all that. Lousy weather for wearing work clothes. Great for the beach though. Too bad I don't work at the beach.

Went back to collect my certificates. A long, arduous walk up the main gate. Heels. Long pants. Heavy bag. What do you expect? Me to not complain about the utter ridiculousness of situating the main gate of the school in some obscure corner on a hill, located a minimum of four hundred meters away from the nearest bus stop? Sheesh. Its less a main gate than the side gate. Inaccessible. Irritating. I was perspiring buckets by the time I was in the library, and I still had to get back to the bus stop! Best part? At the bus stop, 151 took more than 20 minutes to come. This was on top of the awesome racket that the grass cutting people were making. And the little specks of grass that inevitably flew everywhere, and seemed directed specifically at this hot, sweaty and really pissed gal. Bad day.

School was revolting, to say the least. There has been a 14 year drought of President's Scholars, so they removed the board and placed a huge LCD screen there. Smart marketing eh? So instead of staring at the prime minister's name, we instead look at the various promotional videos of the school. Pathetic much? Of course, this is provided that you even notice the screen, what with that enormous silver THING sitting in the atrium. I have nothing against art. I like art. I think sculptures are cool. I have friends who do art. BUT THAT IS ONE HECK OF A WRONG PLACE TO PUT A SCULPTURE LIKE THAT. Yeah. That was what I wanted to shout. First, it most probably gets into the way of students who trying to get into the TA block. Secondly, it looks ominous. Serious. Lets just say that it just looks jarring. Whoever decided to put it there has no aesthetic sense. I'm not saying that person has zero artistic ability. I'm talking about aesthetic sense. Goodness. There is no need to announce the school's many weaknesses at the foyer. I mean, you can at least TRY to mask the rotting flesh with perfumed silks. And not expose it to the sun. Yech. If you have no substance, at least strive for better glamour.

Lunch was pretty good though. The first time I had Vietnamese food. Some pork noodle, that was sweet and a little sour. Yummy. Recommended by one of my colleagues. If most Vietnamese food taste like this, I think I'd want to hang out at the Vietnamese stall more often. I like eating. always have, and II think I always will. There's so much yummy things out there for you to try. Japanese sushi. Bento. Curry. Sashimi. Teppanyaki. Kueh. Noodles. Dim sum. Steaks. Cakes. Desserts. Pudding. Ice cream. Rice. Fish. Salads. Vegetables. The list extends. Food is good. See? It rhymes. HAHA. I'm going to get whacked for such a silly comparison.

I'm often bored recently. Its a pervasive state of mind. I wonder what i can do about it. Its not like I have absolutely nothing to do. On the contrary in fact. Japanese lessons. Driving lessons. Belly dancing lessons. Tutoring my brother. Tutoring Kaen. Preparing for matriculation. Work. Chores. I'm busy. Busy and bored. I used to think it was an oxymoron. Now I know that its two very different things. One is a state of mind. The other is the level of activity. Two separate concepts. Its like being fit and being healthy. Two different things. if you don't know why check the dictionary. If you still don't know why, pretend you do, smile and nod. Just remember its different. Believe me. I don't blog about things that I'm uncertain of. I have an image to upkeep dearies.

Its been a YECH-Y day. Tutored my brother. Awful. Its like a slow death by fire and drowning. Locked in a glass cage of fire and thrown into the ocean. One of the worse ways to die. Able to see salvation, yet unable to reach it. And even the salvation you achieve hurts, and is likely to kill you. Yeah. To simplify it, it was painful. Sigh. I have to hand it to my family. No other person or entity drives me nuts as fast and absolutely as my family. Just have to hand it to these people. Oh well. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. What with meeting viv in the morning and Gackt and Kazuki featured in the magazine...



"I need new ways of saying that something is disgusting. Revolting. Gross. Unpleasant. Yucky. Yech. You get what I mean."

Minutes

Playlist

Dear Tokyo by SID

Its been a long long time since I blogged properly about music. My recent posts have all been rantings of a semi-maniacal teenager. Yeah, I have lots of things to offload, but I think its beginning to sound like the ramblings of a troubled kid. Which I definitely am not. I'm not troubled. Well, not exactly. And I'm not a kid either. Ok, not exactly a kid either. What I'm going to do now, is to make you drool by telling you about all the amazing new songs I've managed to get hold off. HAHA. Tell me if you want any of it. I'm always enthusiastic about helping my favourite bands garner a greater following and earning more income. Like duh. Love should be shared all around. No, I'm not trying to be the next Barney the purple dinosaur. I just want to share the joy that comes with listening to Mao, hyde, Jui, Juri, Kato Kazuki and Gackt with the rest of the world. In case you have no idea who they are, they are the lead singers of SID, L'Arc-en-Ciel/ VAMPS, Vidoll, Versailles while Kazuki and Gackt are now solo respectively. If you are still lost, I recommend sitting down with me for about 3 hours while I preach about their awesomeness. Alternatively, for some less hardcore, you could Wikipedia or Google them. Yeah. There is something known as the Internet.

First is SID. Somehow dug out their old songs, like Ajisai, Rinjin and some other stragglers. WOW. That was my reaction. Mao sounds so good. Absolutely. Especially so when I unearthed Sentimental Macchiato as well. Ok, I think its spelled that way, because its all in Katakana, and I cant type Japanese on my Bento. A disturbing phenomenon that I intend to correct soon. Anyway, I love SID. The music is in this little niche thats neither hardcore rock nor pop. Amazing vocals, and it still has the quality that made me fall in love with them to begin with. Its the kind of song where you work with it running in the background and keep checking to remember the title of the song because it justs sounds so good. Its something thats neither jarring nor boring. Its not the noise that captures your attention, but rather the structure of the entire piece. A 4 minute slice of enjoyment. I particularly like Natsukoi (I think its pronounced like this) and Dear Tokyo.

Kazuki is improving too. Yes, his PVs still look like a budget production, but no matter how low quality his PV is, it cannot mask the fact that his vocals are improving. I adore artistes who improve, and he has definitely improved a lot. From the rather flat Hyotei renditions during Dreamlive and TeniMyus, his recent singles and for some songs in his last album were pretty good. Suna no Shiro (I think again), and instinctive love. Brilliant Snow and Love Bite. Sigh. I WANT MY MAGAZINE. It has 2 feature articles, one on Gackt and his new 10th Anniversary R+R release thing, as well Kazuki and his recent Venom and Easy Go singles. VIV! I WANT MY MAGAZINE. I can stare at their hot faces and practice my pathetic Japanese language skills as well. Killing two birds with one stone that costs around $25. VIV~

I wonder why. Its not like i like it. Its not like I made a concious effort. But I wonder why it happens. They say it just happens. But there has to be a root cause no? There has to be starting point, and a point of no return. Everything has a beginning, and I know ther should be an end. I cannot survive like this if there is no end. I'm at my limit. I'm hiding it well, but it'll all come out. I dont want it to come out. Its such an embarrassment. Such a ridiculous thing. Yet, its so important. Its so important to me...



"My love. My life. My god. I am what you make of me."

Hair

Playlist

Venus by Kato Kazuki

Okay dearies. Its official. I look like some Edo period Japanese gal. Why? Well, I cut my hair! Its a fringe cut, with a middle tier followed by the usual flowing locks. Yep. Rebonded again. Its $130, for the cut, rebonding and treatment. I think I shall have rebonded hair only until the end of this year. Let it grow out, cause now its a little dry, before I decide if I should look like a poodle for a year in university. Yes. I'm thinking of ceramic curls. Large wavy FAKE ceramic curls. Simply because my natural hair is this messy curly mop. Oh yeah. Did I mention that I plan to cut it short at the end of the year? And dye it dark blue? Post semester one exams of course. Maybe after JLPT. I have nice and thick hair. Tough too. Great for doing funny things. Anyway, images!

Fringe.

Side.

The middle tier is nice and straight.

On the whole.

I sorta like this hairstyle. Non-conformist. And yes. Its Lulubell's hairstyle. I've got quite a few people saying that I look Japanese. That I have an exotically Asian look. Yeah. Flat, button nose? Single eyelids? Puffy cheeks? Straight black hair? Check, check, check. Yup. I look Oriental. I speak Mandarin, Singlish, Japanese. As long as I'm not on the phone nor pissed off at you of course. When I'm angry, I tend to adopt this accent that is distinctively non-Asian. I'm not sure where I sound like I'm from, but no one will ask if I'm from China. Yes. People, as in China Chinese, do ask me which part of China I'm from. Well, the most I can say is that my great-grandparents are from Hainan Island. Other than that? Born and bred on this little island off Malaysia. Yep. I am part of some island family tree. We move from one small island to an even smaller island. Hopefully my children are on an island too. Like a private island somewhere in the Bahamas. Yeah. That would be awesome.

Went pubbing for the first time in my life. It was alright. If a tad bit boring. I mean, I can't get drunk. I can only try to get high on my company. Tough when its all INTJs. With a really innocent gal, and 2 people more interested in their handphones than their current company. It can't be helped. I'm not that interesting. And my contacts were hurting a bit as I had them on for more than 12 hours. Sigh. I like the people I was with, except maybe we should have gone clubbing. I suppose everyone was waiting for someone else to suggest something more interesting to do than wheel around in the wheelchair. Yes, we were at Clinic. Maybe if we were less self conscious? Oh yeah. Maybe they should have drank more. HAHA. Lower inhibitions and all that. So we would be less conscious of our image in front of classmates. Sigh. Disappointing, but I'd go again. Some other things were interesting. I shan't say it here, but there were other... Perks. Yeah. Not what you think. But I saw some things I'd like to better observe once more. So yeah. Anyone wants to go clubbing or pubbing can ask me along. I promise that you'll be able to get home. HAHA. I'm the teetotaler. Can't help it. I'm built this way.

Anyone knows why I cant access the language pack in my VAIO? I've dowloaded whatever updates there are. I've downloaded the language pack thingy from the Microsoft website. And I still can't type in Japanese! Help? Thanks dearies :)

"If I'm messed up, you belong to Pluto."

小悪魔ヘヴン

Playlist

Koakuma Heaven by Gackt

Just when I thought that I have seen the weirdest parts of Gackt, be it 3 day curries or falling asleep during talk shows... I have seen something else to raise the weirdness bar higher. Its called Koakuma Heaven. Here. His talk show promotion of his new single. I nearly died. Its hilarious. Completely hilarious. Gackt doing a dance with 6 girls. Its some para-ish looking thing. The best part? These girls are in stilettos. Dressed in candy coloured dresses. And yet they still dance better than Gackt. I'm serious. Gackt, in all black, looks... Err. Incoherent on the stage. His voice is the same. The lyrics are superbly corny. Perverted as usual. Available here. I have never seen anyone who adds emoticons to their lyrics. But like I said, ignore how cute it looks. Its perverted. Yeah, hot blooded Japanese male thing as usual. I think its as perverted as Vanilla, if not more so because of the candy tune. And the 'girl' on the DEARS only cover is Gackt. Yes. Lets all go back to the cross dressing days. We all love hot guys in pink dresses, curled hair and pretty nails. Anyway, its suppose to be from the perspective of a prostitute. Bar hostess. Whatever euphemism you wish to use. Like many of his songs, the underlying meaning and the sound of the song is often related. Think candy lifestyle with how lonely it is. Irony. Melancholic some when you understand, but chock full of meaning on multiple levels. HOMG, the purpose, tone and theme can give you a headache. A more condensed version is available here. Anyway Koakuma Heaven is only the first of his 10 albums. The next one up is Faraway, with an equally provocative cover. Its all available at Wikipedia. After that its Lost Angels. Then Flower. Believe me when I tell you I cant wait. Gackt is great at stuff like this. I have to hand it to him. Never a dull moment when he wants to be in the news.

Next up is VAMPS. My dear hyde and K.A.Z. has been on magazines, the news and doing lots of singles plus album promotion recently. Hmm. Sad to say that I think their VAMPS album is just mediocre. I like Evanescent, Time Goes By, Trouble and Red Rum. The rest I just... Err. Not in my top 10 songs list. I like Sex Blood Rock n Roll simply because of the way hyde shouts/sings the 4 words of the title. Other than that... Nothing much. Very disappointing actually, considering how much I like hyde. The music is great, but there seems to be something severely lacking in the lyrics. Just because the band is called VAMPS does not mean every song has to be about blood. Maybe he could explore other aspects of the supposed properties of vampirism other than blood-drinking. Say, do they feel claustrophobic is their coffins? How does it feel like to never be able to see the sun again? What about the immortality? Coming out into the open? These can branch out into perfectly philosophical topics. *nods* I think I ought to go back to school. My brain is about to be fried from lack of utilisation. Hence the weird rhetorical questions.

Watched Dance! Subaru yesterday. Watching a movie alone is a new experience. Not unpleasant. It was rather intersting in fact. You dont have to make small talk with anyone. You dont have to think about what the person next to you thinks about your reaction to what you're both watching. You dont have to discuss anything after that. Rather... relaxing. Precisely what I was trying to do. Rest and relaxation. I deserve a break after all that I have been through these few months. Its frustrating to not be able to leave Singapore, but at least I wont suffer. HAHA. It was a pretty feel good kind of movie. Semi-brainless. Sad in how virtually everyone important to Subaru dies. Grimy, but uplifting at the same time. I like Kohei. He has the suffering unrequited love feel down pat. Quite different when he was the one dumping pink Nana in NANA as her boyfriend Shoji. I was surprised to learn that he was in Waterboys as well. Waterboys was a great movie, if any movie can ever be considered truly good.

My new laptop is great. My dear Bento. Its slick. Silver. Sony. Sibilant alliteration. Oh well. I had fun updating all the album covers for my iTunes. Album covers are so very pretty. Some are plain, and others are crazily elaborate, but all are amazingly cool. My current favourite? Ikemen Samurai. Simply because I see Atobe, Yukimura, Sanada in the traditional samurai garb. Traditional attire rocks. It gives a greater depth to the bishies I know and love. In second place is Face. Because Kato Kazuki has the guts to distort his face for his album cover. I respect that. Third is... Yeah. Koakuma heaven. Simply because. Yeah. Love him or hate him, Gackt is one talented guy. Yes. He is a guy!

"This is the way we brush our teeth... We brush our teeth..."

French

Playlist

Deep Red by Vamps

I am utterly disgusted by all the rubbish certain people spout off the top of their head. I really do not like to stereotype, but these people belong to the adult category. As in, all of them are older than 21. Which seems to be some warped turning point where you decide to piss off everyone who isn't older than 21?! I have never thought of it that way before this week started. I'm serious. I am so frustrated by the signs of foolishness I see everywhere around me. It really makes me wonder why I actually bother trying to enter the 'adult' world. Oh right. Its because they outnumber us. They surround us. Drag us down to their level. And then proceed to beat us with experience in being an idiot. All I can say is, I'm floored.

Anyway. In reverse chronological order. First up was my relative, X. I GUESS. And this is a really huge question mark, but I suppose X means well. I shall be nice and kind and give X the benefit of the doubt. I mean. I'm under 21! So here goes our conversation. Or rather, exchange. Err. Wait. It was just a few lines. Or less than that. ANYWAY.

X: WOW, you cannot speak Cantonese?
Me: Eh. Yeah. Why?
X: Aren't you a failure? I mean, in Singapore and you cannot speak Cantonese.
Me: (internally) DAMN YOU, YOU FREAKING BASTARD. WHO THE SHIT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!

Ah. Relatives. You hate them and you cant show it. You like them and you exaggerate it by the power of a hundred. Me? A failure? What does that make you? Oh. A greater failure. HAHA. I can speak my own dialect just fine. I can understand Hokkien, Teochew and Hakka. I can name all the Hongkong Dim Sum staples. I don't NEED to speak Cantonese asshole. In Singapore, we use English, Mandarin and mostly Hokkien at the hawker stalls. I can espouse a smattering of Japanese. Believe me, the next language I intend to pick up is French. So that I can string vulgarities into a silk handkerchief. It'll sound fabulous. Like wiping my ass with silk. So there. Get out off my face before I upend my stomach of what I ate today.

Next we have Y. Dear me. Y is an exhibition of infantilism in its most extreme form. Everything a child, under one years old, does is cute. When someone older than 21 does it, its bloody irritating. We, the people who make the rules of society, say it smacks of immaturity. Ridiculous. We call people who dont grow up retards. You know? Retarded growth? HAHA. The idea Y has is something along the lines of "You're cheating (bending the rules a little) , so I'll cheat MORE!" and "I want everything you have, but bigger!", plus, "I like this, so I must have this!" with a little of "They must like me more than they like you!". Notice the intensifying exclamation marks? Goodness gracious me. I thought I left this behind in pre-school. Apparently not. Imagine this acted out in all its gory embarassment by someone who is supposed to be a role model to us unrefined and childish teenagers. Its a public affront. My poor, delicate social sensiblities are screaming in agony. I'm going to need to weekend to recover. Sniff, sniff. Make that an extended weekend.

Enter exhibit Z. Who is hell bent on living the way he is living. Z is always right. Z must be right. For he is the alpha and omega of everyone who exists on this planet. We all live to worship Z. We die as an offering to Z. Z is the all-wise. All-caring. Heck. Go screw yourself. Live in your own delusional world all you want. I dont care if you get high on stabbing teddy bears, feeding the gerbil or thinking about the mating habits of carnivorous fish. Whatever. Just dont include me in your edition of The Fantastic Tale of Z. Nor The Amazing Z. Most of all, The Ultimate Guide to Z. Please. Get a life. My life is strictly off-limits. You are not allowed to stick me in your two dimensional world. Do not pass GO, do not collect two hundred dollars.

I shall stop here. If I continue, I'll be no better than these little people. I have had enough.



"Pardon my French dearies. I'm learning a new language :)"

King

Playlist

Sex Blood and Rock n' Roll by VAMPS

I went online and had a downloading spree. So now I have the full VAMPS album, Gackt's Jesus and Journey through Decade and Deluhi's Vivid Place. I love the Internet. I'm sure many share my sentiments.

One of the main reasons why I love the Internet is this site. No. It is not some spam linked site. Nor is it something against the law. Its love. Its the テニスの王子様 ~ Another Story~! You get to see freshman Atobe-sama! Kid Atobe-sama. Who was using 俺 at the tender age of 12! You get to see his sweet little face and big blue eyes, mop of hair... And the kingly attitude that garnered him over 140 thousand chocolates during the Valentine's Day poll. Yes, my dears. The KING. So what if its Ultimate King Rikkai? Yukimura is God. Sanada is Samurai. Tezuka is some old man. But Atobe-sama... Ah. Atobe-sama is KING. The sheer confidence. The flamboyance. The brains. The sporting talent. The status. The green stuff that paves his existence. I'd rather have Atobe-sama any day. Yeah. I'm super high on Atobe-sama. I mean, who can resist such a cute kid! I think Takeshi Konomi is trying to turn us fangirls into pedophiles or something. Making their diminutive versions so very charming. They are absolutely irresistable. I think the cast and producers all know we all love Atobe-sama the most. Cause it is his gorgeous face that is the background of the homepage. OMG. I think I'm going to die from happiness. I cant wait to watch the show! Atobe-sama~!

I need to go shopping. I want to go shopping. I dont need to buy the whole of Singapore. But I wanna get out to breathe the retail air. Retail therapy works. Best part is that you don't have to buy anything to benefit. Just try the clothes, shoes and preen in front of the mirror. You'll feel better. Well, as long as you a like shopping. HAHA. I mean, avoid the sales if you hate getting squished by people. And detest digging through piles of clothes for your size. Still, its an experience I have come to realise that I enjoy. Yes, contrary to popular belief, I do enjoy shopping!

What do you do when you have nowhere to go? Nothing you can do? Will you give? What can you take? What are your limits? How do you know that is your limit? What can you overcome? What cant you? I really wonder how far I can go...




"I know my love life will be smooth. Because I will always love myself even if you do not love me.Because no one will love me if I cant even love myself..."

Tear

Playlist


Uso by SID


I have been running around like a hamster in a cage for the past few days. Like a hamster, it doesn't feel like I'm going round in circles. But unlike a hamster, I know I am. An exercise in futility as Whitby says. I cannot agree with him more. Anyhow. Updates are in order.



I attended the Distant Worlds Final Fantasy concert on 23rd May, here forth known as FF concert. With Vivi and Kaen. We had Subway for dinner at Raffles City. At least Vivi and I did while Kaen was flipping through Jimmy's illustration book. Nothing noteworthy about dinner, the highlight most probably sating myself with proper food after some 6 hours. Oh. We saw LY, JC and SY. Out shopping? I have no idea. Bought HF her birthday present as well. Was not what we intended to get, but better. HF, if you are reading this, you better like your present! HAHA. On the way, we went from early to nearly late as I was sidetracked in Charles and Keith. They are having a sale, and I wanted the boots for Lulubell. I'm not sure if the colour matches my costume though. The matte version is slightly brown, while the black is patent. Patent is definitely out. All that remains is if I should get the matte. I know it wont be there anymore if I wait until July. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Should I get it? Its pretty cheap. Can someone help me decide? Thanks! :)



ANYWAY. We were at the Raffles City underpass to the Esplanade 5 minutes before the concert started. I know how Cinderella feels. When the bell chimes in the underpass, the echo effect is enough to make me sprint to the entrance. Best part, it isnt the first time either. Stupid me made us late, and we couldn't buy the FF concert art book. I know Moster's friend said that it wasn't worth getting, forty bucks and super thin, but hey! A piece of memorabilia would have been nice. Ok. Nicer than the weird looking tee shirt and a CD that doesn't seem particularly attractive. Ok. To the main topic. The music was awesome! The composer himself came down to attend! The conductor was hilarious and funny. The orchestra.... Eh. It was generally good, except for now and then when the double bassist hit the music score stand, when you could hear someone placing their feet on the floor, when people were moving around backstage... Distracting. But the quality is there. The three singers ruined a portion of the performance though. They should have stuck to the choir and the orchestra. Much better. Of course my favourite piece was One Wing Angel. I cheered so loudly that I lost my voice when the conductor announced it during the second encore. I cried with joy when I saw Sephiroth's face on the screen during the song. I know. I'm wacko about my passion. All in all, the concert was nice. I will definitely attend again.



Met Moster and some other familiar looking cosplayers during intermission. Believe me when I say that almost every other teenage girl in the toilet was discussing Cosfest costumes. Gah. Its so obvious how the cosplay community is getting increasingly mainstreamed. The attention is good. But when every other person is a Lavi, Allen, KHR character, Lelouch and CC... Things get boring. Fast. I'm not trying to be elitist, but could these people get a measure of pride? Just because you cant join an established team as a character of your choice does not mean that you have the right to overpopulate events with multiples. Spawns. Yech. Pick something more interesting? Dont just buy second hand costumes and commercially available costumes of the most epic series. Yeah, your costume is likely not to have errors. But what does it say about you? That you picked the easy way out? That you have no real pride as a cosplayer? What else does it say? I shant say it out here. Its for me to know and you to find out. After all, information, especially information that provides self awareness is the most expensive thing in the world. I dont run a charity dearies.



Moster, Viv, Kaen and I went for supper after the concert. The sheer amount Moster eats... No wonder he is a guy. One of the primary discerning criteria is the ability to consume copious amounts that will feed half a nation as a 'meal' and still maintain their body shape. Yeah. I am deadly jealous. It doesnt help that he has amazing complexion. Super fair to boot. Some days, I really wish I was born male. I can withstand NS. Its nothing much. Physically daunting in a way, but hey, its not THAT bad. Its not like the Korean and Iraqi NS. That would be tough. Took the last bus home with Viv. I find that I prattle a lot when I am with her. Not sure if its a good thing. Vivi, you should tell me if I'm getting irritating. I often realise it way to late. As usual, dawn comes too late. Still. Bus 857. Just like a month a go when we went for CATS. Had a happy time then too.



Queen just sent me my Dorothea photos. I promise to attempt to upload them soon. I know I still have loads of photos which need uploading. Most probably they will all go on Facebook. Yeah, Dorothea photos on Facebook is not a good idea. Maybe my deviantArt account. If I can somehow figure out how to use it. I dont want random people stealing my photos. At least on Facebook, I can limit who can see it. Or rather, I know how to use it. HAHA. I mean, its ok with Queen uses my photo as her wallpaper. I dont think any of my other friends will. Yes. I know you guys think I'm egoistic enough. HARHAR. Not funny. Meanwhile, you can jolly well stare at my MSN dp. Its the only one I wont mind my colleagues looking at. HAHA.



I wonder what things will be like in another 3 months. As of now, work is lessening. Japanese elementary 2 test is next week. My driving skills seem to be stuck at the beginner level. Belly dance lessons begin somewhere in mid June. I'm desperate to get my hands on my costumes. Oh yeah, this is a reminder about the boots issue. Please do give me an opinion.



Sigh. Somedays I wonder why there are so many stupid people out there with high paying jobs. I mean, they lack common sense. They arent imaginative. I think I know why. The academic type. They score in exams and are employed, although they have little social ability. Those who lose their wallets the moment they get off the airplane. Wait. I think they lose their money to those who commit daylight robbery. Ah. The simplicity of life for those who live in the world of numbers and definite rules. Where everything is black and white. Where new things are considered BAD. Oh well. We need stupid people in order for the world to function.



"Give me one good reason why I should not tear you apart."

Wrath

Playlist



N.A.



I am in a bad mood. I have no idea why. My time of the month was over long ago. I am not hungry. In fact, I had a nice lunch. Subway. Oregano, Subway Club, Sweet Onion. The set thingy. I have enough sugar. I woke up at a decent time this morning. BUT I AM SO UPSET I'M BARELY ABLE TO FUNCTION NORMALLY. I really want to know why. I am just so extremely angry. Furious about something. I'm in a mood to hit and run poor old ladies crossing the road if I drove a truck. In the mood to backstab the people around me. In a mood to throw things to the floor and MAKE SURE they break. A really scary mood. Stay away from me when I say I am in a bad mood. Its my warning to you who is a friend. I may still smile at the general public, but rest assured that I harbour murderous intentions. I am not nice. Remember that.



I have had enough of fools. Lazy fools. Silly fools. Whimsical fools. Fools in general. I must be surrounded by them. They make my life tough. My journey home sucky. My work load increase. They are a huge pain. The world should be utterly rid of them. Shoot every fool you come across and get a free gift. Monetary award. Whatever. Then we keep a few in a zoo as an exhibit to the rest of the remaining human population. A lesson to be learnt. Don't be a fool. They belong in zoos. WOW. It rhymes too. I see propoganda potential. Yes. Don't ever put me into a ruling political party. I will most probably turn into Hitler number 2 if you give me political powetr. People can speculate all they want about my sexual tendencies. After all, its worth the sheer amount of power handed to you on a platter.



Went to my tailor yesterday. Was utterly thrilled when I saw my costume under construction. All that was lacking was the collar. I had my first fitting, and as I put it on, the only thought that was running through my head was that I really wanted year end to come as soon as possible. I have wanted to cosplay as Aoi since.... Last year? Or more. I've always been intrigued my how very human Aoi is. Not like Rekka and the other Hokage who are... Err. Two-dimensional is a nice word. So unbearably flat. I love how Aoi is so conflicted. How he has no idea what he truly wants, but subconciously reaches out to others. How he really wants someone to love him. Its such a simple and real desire. We all want to be loved for who we are. We are deserve to be loved for who we are...

" Nursing my fury/ I held wrath in my arms and kissed it to sleep..."

Addict

Playlist



リヴィングデッド by Deluhi



I am addicted to rock music. Its to the extent that I have absolutely no idea how I survived before listening to rock. Pop songs sound unreal. Like they were placed through some audio editing machine before being churned out to the masses. Think fast food. Definitely not good for health. In rock music, there is this sense of humanity. Ok. I am definitely exaggerating here, but I have no idea how to put it across in any other way. So I'll just plough through and hope I do not confuse you even more. The thing is, not ALL rock music is good. Well, at least to me. Many bands lack a certain aura. An essence that differentiates them from all other entertainers out there. There doesnt seem to be a purpose behind their music. I mean, your purpose can be to not have a purpose, but it will still be a purpose. Think Versailles and their fixation with aristocracy. Yeah, Kamidjo really needs to improve, but Versailles looks like nothing but aristocracy. Their entire concept is this higher-than-thou belief coupled with the subtle hint of vampirism. Yeah. Vampires are the new polar bears. Vampires are 'in'. Hopefully werewolves and bigfoots come next. All the supernatural creatures need their turn in the moonlight.



About my addiction, I think everyone is addicted to something. It can even be an addiction to NOT being addicted to something. There are plenty of fanatics out there I tell you. I am most unfortunate to have come across quite a few of such people recently. I remember a flyer distributing girl near Somerset Mrt. She stopped me as I was hurrying to meet Vivi. Demanded that I take a flyer. Naturally, I thought it was some advertisement for a new hair salon or something, so I smiled and wanted to walk away. Well, she pressed the flyer into my stomach and said, "This is for GOD. How can you not take it?" Believe me, I was stunned. One, how the hell would I have known what its for? Two, why should I take it just because you give it to me? Three, so what if its for your God? I dont believe in your God. Why should I? Its not that I'm Buddhist, Taoist, Muslim or a Jew. I'm a car-bumper-sticker-pasting free thinker. Its not that I WANT to be without a religion. Or that I'm DESPERATELY in love with being a free thinker. Its just something that happens. If I find a religion, so be it. If I dont, I dont. Please do not try to convert me to your religious faith. I dont care if you pray to Allah, Guanyin, God or even money. Leave me ALONE when it comes to the intimate relationship with a higher being.

I wish to flatten NUS. They took so bloody long to process my application, only to reject me. Well, they could have done it earlier to save me from much grief. People DO have feelings. They could have been nice and kind and told me I was not cut out for their programme. Save me my time. Brain power. Angst. Sheesh. I think I know where I'm going to already. If there's one thing I hate more than liars and backstabbers, its people who are convinced of their own superiority. And the place is CRAWLING with them. Infested with them. Its not like they are on the kitchen floor where you can see and kill. Oh no. Its behind the stove where three hundred of them starting their very own country. Brrrr.

"I hate cockroaches. Especially big cockroaches. They make me wanna scream and tear down my house to eradicate every single one of them. I know I'm a wee bit extreme :)"

School

Playlist

The fan. The PC. Typing. WOW. A symphony.

The recent AWARE homosexuality education was the trigger. I mean, I've seen people react when I tell them I had 10 years of all girls' school education. They stare at me like I've sprouted an extra pair of eyes, hands, another mouth and have horns and a tail protruding out from my butt. HELLO. YOOHOO. Stop generalising. Girls' school education =/= LESBIAN. The dangers of stupidity. I hear parents going on and on about how they are worried their daughters will become lesbians from entering an all girls' secondary school. Well, I for one think these people should not be parents. Giving your daughters an education in an all girls' school is one of the few things you can do for her to give her a head start in life. Studies have shown that in an all female environment, girls fare better emotionally, psychologically, and most importantly of all to our kiasu parents, academically as well. Besides, saying that enrolling in an all girls' school will make your daughter lesbian is like saying your daughter will be pregnant by enrolling in a co-ed school. Both are ridiculous. And very very insulting to us who love our alma maters.

School has taught me lots of things. Math. Science. Geography. Literature. And more. Much much more. It has taught me the fundamentals of surviving in society. There are rules to be followed. Things to be noted.

In primary school, I realised that teachers, and society in general, like people who are nice and obedient. I was not. I was the trouble maker. The deviant. The one who read books in class and ignored the ramblings of the teachers. I was the one who fought in school and made people cry instead of being the one who cried. I did not do my homework, and could not be bothered with class participation. In short, I was the one the teachers wanted to throw out of class.

In secondary school, I was the model student. A hundred and eighty degree change. I was class representative for various subjects. I was one of the few who did her assignments. Paid attention. Asked questions. The goody two shoes. I was dedicated to learning. On the surface, I was as close as you could get to a model student, except that there was something stirring inside. Like a sleeping leviathan, moving past the ocean bed. I was in school to live and learn. For I believed that knowledge is power, and I definitely wanted power. I had my circle of friends who knew I was not all that met the eye. Who knew that I was different and loved me all the same. I had my violent tendencies. I was loud. Boisterous. Proud. I knew my value, and I was not afraid to let others know too. Of course I got into scrapes. I knew many people hated me. For being a know-it-all. Teacher's pet. I was sabotaged. Ostracised. I guess I learnt to nurse hatred, to turn it into sarcasm and skepticism. To hurt others where they would not discover. Subtlety. The main life skill I gleaned from secondary school was to conform to society. The fools will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. And there are SOOO many of them. So you have to plot. Scheme. Have a nice and social poker face. No one can take things away from you if you do not let them.

Junior college was different. I guess in large part because secondary school taught me that important social lesson. I saw for myself how cruel teenagers are to those who are not like them. Those who are different will be trodden upon and denounced. Simply because they stand out. I realised I did not have it in me to be this completely social animal. Inside, some part of me would die if I was to become part of the 'in' clique. So I went my own way. I was not out, but definitely not in either. I was just there. Which was a blessing because I got to know my friends. I had my clique in class, during CCA and just random people from here and there. I like my friends, because they are not wallflowers. They are people with personality. They see things the way they see them, and are not afraid of being different. Intellectuals. Confident. Still, I know that I cannot ever truly be myself in life. I try. Boy, do I try, but at some point or another, I have given in to societal pressure. To the voice of the common people. Because calling out in the middle of the storm is not a pleasant feeling at all. The sheer desolation. The utter loneliness.

I do not think my experiences were bad. They were just learning points. Like how I have become more open. More liberal. I have come to notice the smaller, more mundane things in life. I have learnt to appreciate what I have and what I can get. I am not sure if I can attribute all these to an all girls' school education, but I know for sure it has contributed to the formation of my character. I have learnt that courage is from doing that which is difficult to do, and perseverance is to stick to the path you believe in, regardless of the cost and the odds. Charity is to give from the heart, and starts from home, and not something done so that others can judge and see. Courtesy is respecting others the way I wish to be respected, and patience is... Something I still lack. HAHA.

I may be weird to many. I may have problems. I may want to tear certain people apart from limb to limb. I may be lesbian. I may be bisexual. I may be asexual. Who knows? I certainly enjoyed my years of formal education on a whole. There were times when I was all angst-y and antsy. There were time when I was all teary and troubled. Yet... On the whole, I think I loved school. I love my friends for all their love. My teachers for all their time, dedication, sadism and what-not. The school for giving me a place to belong, if not emotionally and psychologically, at least physically. I miss school.

" I wish you were here. To laugh with me. To cry with me. To be with me. I wish you were here."

Desperation

Playlist

Aircon in the office...

I am exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. Why? I have not enough sleep. There are not enough hours in a day for me. I NEED SLEEP. Ok. I think need is a gross understatement at this point in time. Its more like... Without sleep, I'm going to die soon. I'm not exaggerating my condition. While i type this on the PC, I can feel my eyes burning in their sockets. I can feel my shoulders cramping up. I know my legs are tired. My posture is quickly deteriorating. My throat has been parched for the whole day. My brain is slow. I'm tired. Dog tired. Dead beat.

My schedule for the past week has been packed. The gist of it all is that I wake up early, sleep late, and do lots of stuff while I am awake. I work, study for Japanese, study for SAT, do my Japanese homework, have driving lessons, watched CATS, went for Japanese lessons... Yeah. The majority was studying and working. Transportation was another biggie, with my mind most occupied with SAT and Japanese. I pass my days in a daze, hopping from one locale to another. Its times like this when I really wish I had lesser things on my plate. I mean, I have loads of things to be done. But I'm not exactly enjoying myself. Its like little events strung together to make me stay alive. I do not feel engaged. I do not feel amused. the most interesting thing that happened recently was when I had lunch with Germaine and her boyfriend. Can you believe it? My life stinks to such an extent. Since when did I become like this? I was never quite so dependent on external factors to keep me going when I was still in school. Maybe it was that I had an aim. A source of motivation. Instead of waiting helplessly for NUS as I am now. This kind of existence is DISGUSTING. Sometimes, I really hate myself.

I have been complaining on my blog. Way to often. Maybe I ought to do something more stimulating. My life is so awful I can't phantom what I'm going to be like in a month if I'm already falling apart now. Anyone has an idea or two to spare???

"We know we are flawed. We just refuse to admit it."

Eternal

Playlist

Regret by Malice Mizer

I have listened to Regret about 10 times. Its that good. The most amusing thing was watching the live. Gackt manages to play the piano with his legs CROSSED. I have no idea how he reaches the pedals. Maybe his legs are sooooo long that he can play the piano while crossing his legs. Maybe his piano has no pedals. Maybe he doesn't need pedals. Maybe its a recording. AS IF. Watch it. I think Gackt is AMAZING.

Watched CATS yesterday with Vivien. My seat was D24. Met Vivien after work at City Hall MRT to have dinner. She wanted to have Ocha, but their menu did not seem dinner-friendly, so I proposed Cedele's. Had a Chocolate Walnut Truffle cake. A set, with iced tea. Remind me never to have their iced tea ever again. Not good. It was not exactly enough for dinner, the slice of cake was teeny, so I bought some Taiyaki form this new shop opposite Cedele's. There was a discount, but I have a nagging suspicion that the discount was only so that they can practice making Taiyaki. Because the Taiyake they served were UGLY. It looked nothing remotely like a fish. The shop at Takashimaya Basement 2 looks way better. Well, I suppose you get what you pay for.

On to CATS. CATS was... It was awesome. Super. Duper. Awesome. There was singing, dancing and acting. All three together. I was seated at the second row. So I could see every line they drew on their face. The copious amount of tape required to tape their dance shoes. The angle of their arches. Believe me, I was absolutely floored for the entire performance. There was so much energy present. As a dancer myself, I can appreciate how very difficult it is to keep kicking, twisting, leaping and posing. I do not think there is an once of fat on any of the performers. Even those who are supposedly fat may very well be ten times fitter than me. I am in awe as to how they can both sing well and dance well. I mean, its hard to dance well. Very hard. But to sing at the same time? I applaud their talent and hard work. Scary people, these performers. After watching... I think I paid more than I was willing to. Yes, if they were in Singapore again, I would gladly fork out another hundred to watch. Not the hundred and fifty Viv and I paid. Yes, the seats were good. Yes, I could see everything right smack in front of me. Yes, I can touch the performers when they were interacting with the audience. Nevertheless... Its a bit expensive. Its a good quarter of my take home pay. Not something I can afford, especially if I'm a student.

There are new photos of me. YES. I have narcissistic tendencies. Whatever. Here. Photographer was Queen. She is so cute. And hilarious. I think she will scream vulgarities at me when she reads this, but I shall persist. Her photography skills are great. Her personality is adorable, though not for everyone. Personally, I give an internal wince whenever she swears, but I have come to realise its part of her. Just like how she loves yaoi and photography. No. I am not one of those little princesses who cries whenever someone swears. Its just that I believe that only those who lack vocabulary swear. I do not think she lacks vocabulary, but still. I'm not about to ask my friends to change for me. I AM NOT A PERSONALITY EVANGELIST. So yeah. Stop asking me to improve my friends. As long as they do not do something EVIL or MORALLY WRONG or something that will negatively influence me, I shall not care. I like them. Regardless of their flaws. Besides, who am I to ask them to change?

"Memory... I was beautiful once..."

Refresh

Playlist

Boys over Flowers in the background while I type

I'm addicted to the Korean Boys Over Flowers, BOF from now on. Its hilarious! I think Jun Pyo is the funniest with his inability to think past his curly mop of hair. What with the crazy reasoning, the nonsensical idioms, cute expressions and weird family. Personally, I think the guys look way too old to pass off as high school students. Jan Di is okay simply because she has baby fat. Otherwise, the cast is more suited for university than high school. Please. In what way do they look like 17 year olds? Especially Ji Yung and that other casino rich kid. In no warp reality do they look anything like they are 17. I mean, drive? Motorbikes? Speedboats? Crazy. Anyway, watching the show makes me want to have a rich boyfriend. So that I can go on island holidays. On a private jet plane to boot. Its AWFUL for the environment, but what the heck. Maybe there would be some environmentally friendly jet plane. HAHA. What an oxymoron. Environmentally friendly airplane. HAHAHA. My latest joke. Still, I had much rather have a rich daddy than a rich bofriend. After all, my daddy will always love me. He'll spoil me rotten, and I can live in the lap of luxury from birth. A rich byfriend is unreliable. Unsustainable. Hmm. I sound like some spoilt brat. HAHA. Maybe I should just make it rich on my own. Stop relying on undepependable people. After all, the money you earn on your own gives you the most satisfaction when you spend it. Not that money given to me isnt legal tender. HAHA.

My blog is going to undergo some real renovation soon. I'm currently hunting for the perfect skin. If your're observant, I think you would have noticed that there are already a few changes here and there. There will definietely be more, so hang around with me until than ok? If anything looks seriously off on your browser, please tell me. I'll do something that everyone can appreciate.

Ok, here goes the future!

"Thank you for loving me."

Lousy

Playlist



Just Dance by Lady Ga Ga



Yes, I do listen to non-Asian music. I think Lady Ga Ga is one smart woman. I respect her for her fashion sense and her music. The sound... Is quite different from what is available mainstream.



I have realised that I'm lousy as a girl. I like fashion, but I'm not fashion crazy. I hardly read magazines, I do not watch runway shows. I rarely shop as I have little free time. I don't usually borrow clothes. Nor do I create my own clothes. Or design my own clothes. I'm too lazy to follow most fashion trends. Make up is something I avoid unless there is some major family event or I need to cosplay. I only study make up so that I can understand what people are saying, and not because I like putting it on my face. Or anyone else's face for that matter. I do not have the finances to afford playing and experimenting with make up, and neither do I have the time and energy to do so. All these are just superfluities. I am lousy as a girl because I cannot empathise. Most girls like to mope in groups. Cry. Wail. Pull their hair. Not eat. Sob. Sob. And sob. Phone bills escalate. There is a need to share problems. I can pity. I give heart broken people space. I let them cry on my shoulder. I offer suggestions. I can mother. Nevertheless, 2 weeks later, I expect them to be able to bounce back from whatever has been afflicting them. Which is why I'm a failure as a girl.



Most girls cannot recover in 2 weeks. Broken hearts need months to repair. Lousy grades are taboo until their grades improve. Family problems will never be resolved. Its a long drawn pain sharing session that drives me off the wall. If I cannot resolve something, I put it aside until I have the time/energy/ability to do something about it. There is no point sweeping the floor with your hair. Moping the floor with your feet. If there is nothing you can do, do not do anything now. No point wasting your life, breath, time, effort. I understand the need for comfort, but months of it? I'm sorry, but I doubt I have the spare emotional capacity for you. There's hardly enough for myself as I am. If I'm not loving, caring, kind, concerned, empathetic, understanding enough, get yourself a new friend. I solve problems, or wait until the opportune moment to solve problems. Its just that while waiting, I do other things.

That is why I make a lousy girl.

"We thought they were gone, when it was us who had left them ..."

Renew

Playlist

Antique in the Future by Versailles

I feel better. Do not ask me what I was afflicted with. I have no idea either. I do not want to know either. Sometimes, its better to live in selective ignorance. So do not ask me. The most important thing is that I feel better now no? HAHA.

Chinese Dance achieved Gold with Honours! WOW. Long awaited. Yeah. I know I was never very positive about my CCA. Still, the performance was stellar. It made me ache to join them upon the stage again. My heart was pounding. Racing even. I wanted to jump from my seat and throw myself upon the stage. I think it was what dance should be about. Infectious energy that makes the audience lose the sensation of being a spectator. It alienates, because you are not part of the splendour, but it harmonises, as you are part of the instant. Je ne sais quoi. That which cannot be named. The ultimate quality that all artists seek. I am amazed that I found it where I thought I would never see it. If they did not get Honours, I think the judges ought to be flogged. I'm not biased towards them. You should watch it. It was way better than some pretentiously intellectual calligraphy dance and some overtly analytical wedding dissection.

I have renamed my blog. Why? Next stage of my life. Yes. I'm arrogant. Sarcastic. Sharp. Blunt. Love me or hate me, but I cannot be who you want me to be. Its too late. I will just follow my path of flaming flamboyance to the end. What else can I do? Weep that I am not the stereotypical humble little girl? Too bad. I'm not like that.

" Oh its a red carpet day when blood flows like a river in the middle of the street..."

38.8

Playlist

Ash Like Snow by The Brilliant Green

At home. Running a fever. 38.8 when I last checked. Joints hurt. No running nose. No cough. Took medication a while back. Today is the second day. Went to Dr. Lee. I'm under observation. If the fever persists until Wednesday, I'll have to go for a blood test. No point testing now he says. He suspects that its dengue. That or a viral fever.

If its dengue, I'm so screwed. I'm missing Japanese. Work. Driving. There's SYF on Wednesday. My outing with the girls on Friday. CATS next Tuesday. SAT I next Saturday. Lousy timing huh? Yes. I've had dengue before. It lasts a long while. Your joints hurt like anything. I can eat anything I want, but I usually do not have much of an appetite when I'm ill with ever. I think its psychological. Simply because I do not have a flu which affects my taste perception. Food does not appeal to me when I'm unwell. My body works in strange ways. I dont understand, but at my age, you start to accept that your body has its own quirks. You either work around and with it, or you suffer. I'm no masochist. So guess which I pick?

Yeah. I'm killing time until I can sleep again. I'm spamming like 20 hours a day. My eyebags still wont go away. I have a nagging suspicion that its permanent. Oh well. This is notice to all my friends that if I'm ill. So yes. There will be a lag time for me to reply your SMS, phone calls, emails and the like. Those who have absolutely nothing to do can come visit me. I'm bored out of my wits. And I cant go out because I dont have the strength. Joint aches, remember? I will be at home rotting away. Trying to study for the SAT as I harbour hope that its a viral fever. Not like its likely.

"Everything seems like a distant dream..."

Deluhi

Playlist



Baby Play by Deluhi



Its official. I love Deluhi. デルヒ. Like. Adore. Admire. Am fangirling over them. So what if Leda/Yu-To cannot seem to get along with Juri. So what if the band is barely a year old? They are awesome. Great. Fabulous. I think they are considered of a higher tier. I know they rock.



First the facts. 4 members. All male. Juri ジュリ, vocals. Leda レダ, guitar. Aggy アギー, bass. Sujk スーク, drums. I shall not go into the long sob story of where they were from as all that matters is what they are doing now.

I typed this whole long thing, and Blogger died on me. I'm way to lazy to retype. You guys can just go to www.deluhi.com. And Youtube them. No way in hell am I going to retype all their releases, habits, hobbies etc all over again. Especially when its all online. Albeit scattered all over the Internet. I don't care.

The essence, is that they totally rock. Absolutely. 100 percent awesome. Pure love. I am far too lazy to promote them AGAIN. So yeah. This once long post has been reduced to such a pittance. Not my fault. Blame Blogger.

"Love given when sought is sweet,but sweeter still more when given unsought..."

Incensed

Playlist



Hybrid Truth by Deluhi



This post is going to be a rant. Simply because I am extremely annoyed by certain things. I am tired, a little hungry and supremely cranky now, so I'm not going to play nice. This is a warning for those who wish to live in the illusion that I am a 'nice' girl. I'm socially gracious. Not your girl-next-door 'nice'. After all, I'm from 10 years of girls' school. I have a younger brother. I'm my father's daughter. I think the last is the most important factor. You have been warned.







I am sick and tired of people making assumptions about me. NO. I DO NOT GO OUT AND PLAY EVERYDAY. I have a DAY JOB. ADMIN. MY OFFICIAL HOURS ARE FROM 9AM TO 6PM MONDAYS TO THURSDAYS AND 9AM TO 5.30PM ON FRIDAYS. CALL ME AT WORK IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME. I DO WORK AT WORK. I"M NOT PERPETUALLY ON FACEBOOK. I am not gallivanting around the streets of Orchard Road. I HAVE JAPANESE LESSONS ON MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS. 8PM TO 10PM. I AM NOT CLUBBING, PUBBING NOR MAKING OUT WITH MEN/WOMEN AFTER WORK. I go straight home after my lessons. My lessons are at KOVAN. I take the NEL MRT line to Boon Keng. I HAVE DRIVING LESSONS ON SUNDAYS, USUALLY IN THE MORNING. After that, I clean the house in the afternoon. Sometimes, I head to the library after my driving lesson. I TUTOR MY BROTHER ON THURSDAYS AND FRIDAYS IN THE EVENING, 8PM TO 9PM. On certain Saturdays, my family has family dinners, so I effectively only have Tuesday evenings and Saturday morning to myself. I have to study for SATs as well as complete my Japanese homework. DOES MY LIFE SOUND LIKE A WALK IN THE PARK TO YOU???? Its slowed down now, but previously, I had to study for my Japanese test, Advanced Theory Test and fill up my university applications too. Think its easy? TRY IT!



I have had enough of assholes who think that I lead a charmed life. Yeah. I'm not poor, disabled, stupid nor fucking ugly. Nevertheless, it does not mean my life is all roses and pansies descending from the sky. HELLO??? Been reading too many fairytale stories? I have my problems. I have my difficulties. Just because I smile and behave graciously, you think I'm HAPPY? DAMN YOU. Which bloody planet are you from? There is something known as a social self. A public self. What you see IS NOT WHAT I AM. Have I lost you? Can't process anything more than the usual frivolity I blog about? Yeah. I blog about school, how tired I am, Visual Kei, my shrine, Laruku, Gackt, yadda yadda yadda. DO YOU THINK THIS IS ALL THERE IS TO MY LIFE? HELL NO. Common sense would tell you that there is more. WAIT. I forgot. YOU LACK COMMON SENSE. Go and drown yourself in some far off and obscure body of salt water. Human garbage. Your existence is a blight upon this beautiful world.

I am disgusted by how pathetic people like you are. Parasites who live off squashing others. BASTARD. BITCH. I honestly think you are a freak of nature. Preaching to me? What nonsense. For your information, I am NOT AN IDIOT. I have a brain. I happen to use it. I LIKE USING MY BRAIN. To think. Process information. The usual. Oh, I'm sorry. You wouldn't understand, would you? Stop judging me based on your warped moral values. I am who I am. I'm not going to become someone you think is 'good' simply because of your criticism. This is my life. You're not the one who is going to wake up and see me in the mirror everyday. So fuck off. Stop interfering. Say what you will, but the truth is, you don't matter enough for me to do anything more than blog about your narcissm, foolishness, uselessness and lack of judgement. Unfortunate, but that is all there is to me. You are just the trigger. I had a barrage of complaints compounding within me. Just the combination of stupidity, stress, displeasure and hunger. Don't worry. Its not you. Its me. Don't kid yourself into believing that I actually care that much.

Ah. Shall continue my Deluhi spree~

"I purr not because I like you, but because I'm hungry..."

Cardinal

Playlist

Venom by Kato Kazuki

I was watching videos on Youtube. Like there is anything else we can do on Youtube. ANYWAY. I realised that my favourite band is L'Arc-en~Ciel while my favourite singer is Gackt. Yes. I ought to be stoned, thrown into a pit of venomous snakes and have my corpse desecrated upon. Yeah. How could I, a true blue Laruku fan actually say something so blasphemous?! Simple. Hyde is married. I really adore hyde. I have his face, as well as that of Laruku plastered all over my room. The first thing I see when I open my eyes first thing in the morning is hyde's face. Regardless, I'm not the type of girl who digs married men. Especially when they have a child. So yeah. Gackt it is.

I know hyde is an entertainer. Completely out of reach. I go completely berserk when I watch their lives. Yet, the moment I remember he is married, it feels as if a pail of cold water has just been emptied on me. All the enthusiasm just dies away. In real life, I have nothing against people who get divorced, fall in love outside marriage or fall in love with married people. I realise that love is fleeting, transient. Nevertheless, I instinctively shy away from people who are attached. Call it a leftover from the emotional disaster my parents showed me. I automatically avoid trying to create children like me. Not like I am likely to be the cause of any such household problem, but I just will NOT go there. Maybe it started in secondary school, where somewhere, somehow, I came across this idea that male friendships are much better than female friendships. From the perspective of someone who spent the first 10 years of her formal education in all girls' schools, it was absolutely absurd. All my good friends are female. My best friend is female. The guys outside my family are colleagues or classmates or acquaintances. None of them have made it into the good friend category. I decided to never do anything that would make my friends hate me. The cardinal girl rules:

1) Never date a guy prettier than you.

For the obvious reason of having less self-esteem problems. As well as less chances of him cheating on you.

2) Never date your friends' ex.

Personally, as one with a personality weird enough to have my family worried that I'll never ever date anyone, I do not think this is much of a concern. Yet,this is important. Yes, your friend will most probably tell you its ok. That the relationship is over anyway. That she doesn't like him anymore. Still, you never know how she really feels about the entire thing. Especially if their relationship was one which she felt did not work out due to a lack of communication. That there were things left unsaid. The worst possible scenario would be that she thinks you were the reason why the relationship did not work. Sticky things. I'd rather not be caught in all these.

Back to the topic of Youtube, I was most surprised to find out that Gackt shops at Maru Cho. I think thats how its spelled. The Singapore equivalent would be something like a One Dollar shop that sells produce as well. The astonishing thing is not how frugal he is. Its him spending 4 days to cook curry. I'm serious. He said so himself. Four days. One would think he had to hunt down the pig and slaughter it as well. Well, the video is here. Take a look. Laugh. Go watch more of Gackt's videos. They are hilarious. I think the Japanese are really hilarious on talk shows. They let themselves be themselves. Wish there were shows half as entertaining in Singapore. It might not be a good thing though. I was laughing so hard my brother said our neighbour would most probably call Woodbridge. I cant help it. It was superbly entertaining.

Have discovered another Visual Kei band, thanks to Queen. Its Deluhi. I have no idea what it represents, how many people there are... Think me and Vidoll at the beginning. Shall introduce them more if I have a sustained interest in their music. You know me. I'm picky. I'd rather not waste time researching about them if I'm only going to like them today. Also available on Youtube. Ah. The wonders of the Internet.

"Cosplay is a choice. My choice to be more than the person you see."

Trouble

Playlist

Trouble by VAMPS

Its awesome. So addictive. Yeah, it was by Shampoo I think. A British band. Made famous by being the theme song for Power Rangers. Us who belonged in the Power Rangers generation would know. I think I like Love Addict, Trouble and Time Goes By. I Gotta Kickstart Now is less... Infectious I would say. Lacks a certain something. I miss L'Arc-en~Ciel. Part of the Laruku feel is present in Trouble, but it seems almost repetitive. Like if you put all three songs into an album, you'd fall asleep all too soon. I honestly doubt its what hyde and KAZ are trying to do in VAMPS, so its kinda worrying. I'm a hardcore fan, but this is not enough. They can be much better. I believe in them. Anyway, hyde is so absolutely pretty in Trouble. I think he might even be prettier than the girl. Haha. Considering his age, gender, personality... I think he might find it an insult. Still, its the truth. He has the androgynous naughty schoolgirl look. The older he gets, the hotter he seems to become. Yes, I am not embarrassed of liking him.

Went for both NTU and SMU interview. I believe I shall hear from them in May. Not sure if either will accept me. NUS, as usual, is slow. Its making me worry that they have lost my application. Still... I know how NUS works. I just think its them being slow again. Sigh. Its bad for my nerves. HAHA. I make myself sound like some jittery school girl. Not exactly an accurate description of myself, no? Still, when its very future at stake, we are all entitled to hysterics and nervous ramble. Normal. Well, at least it was, the last time I checked.

There is this pervasive sense of emptiness. I'm not sure why. I thought I had resolved it by finding gainful employment, by engaging in my hobbies. I've been reading more books, doing more homework, resting more... Taking things at my pace. Yet, I have no inner peace to show for it. It is not that I lack material necessities. Maybe I need a religion. Maybe I need to find love. Maybe I need a new life. I think I need a new life. Something is definitely wrong with the way I do things now. I lack a greater purpose. Its not something that I can hide under rock music and cosplay. Its something that bleeds out and corrupts. I need to exterminate this discontentment. Urgently. I need to improve myself.

"忘れなくないの一瞬に。。。”

Metal

Playlist



Whirring of the CPU



I watched Detroit Metal City (デトロイト・メタル・シティ） yesterday at Plaza Singapura. It was fantastic. Hilariously vulgar. Spastically sweet. Sacrily funny. The actors are good. Especially Kenichi Matsuyama and Yasuko Matsuyuki. He is L from Deathnote, and she is Yasuko Hanaoka from Suspect X and Ritsuko Ogawara from Helen the Baby Fox. I was wondering how the hell Negishi Soichi could be L, but the moment I heard his voice, I knew. After all, you cant fool a seiyuu fangal who picks up the voice of her favourite seiyuu out of 15 people singing. You can fool me visually, but never from the voice. HAHAHA. Anyhow, I was laughing so hard in the cinema, I forgot what I was laughing at. Maybe at how Krauser is so different from Negishi. Maybe at how Negishi might be bipolar. Maybe at how absolutely petrified they are of their Boss. Maybe at how wonderfully sharp his mother is. Maybe at the sight of a death metal singer driving a tractor, eating at the table, petting Shigime, cutting grass... The poor kids in カワイ音楽室 when he was calling Aikawa in his metal get up and scaring the little girl. I cant imagine that the Power Rangers are fans! Changing the kanji 殺 to the English 'KILL' so that Jack understands him. I think the garnish of the movie are his fans. I can understand the wacko feeling. Believe me, if hyde or Gackt was in front of me... I'd be exactly the same. Screaming, professing my love, fainting, creating seriously weird explanations for their behaviour... Did I mention screaming? HAHA. In these dark economic times, we all need a movie like DMC. I mean, you thought your boss was bad? HAH. Meet Boss. Dominatrix, slave-driver who is violent, vulgar and a chain-smoker. Think your life sucks? Bet its not as bad as Negishi's. I can go on and on about DMC. Just go watch it. Its great.

I passed my driving Advaced Theory Test. So my practical test will be on July 28th. Seems like quite a while to go. Haha. I'm sorta nervous. I think I should do ok...


"Give me more, because I desire infinity and beyond..."

Approaching

Playlist

Pride by HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOUR

WOW. It feels really good to finish the USP essay. Yeah, I still have my self-description that needs to be completed, but getting the load of the essay of my shoulders feels SO good. Like sitting down after walking all day. Like taking a bath after exercise. 気持ちですね！Shall tackle my self-description tomorrow.

I just realised that I'll most probably never run away from home. I mean, there are so many things that I love at home. There's my darling, my wind chime, my shrine, my CDs, my books, my clothes, my chocolate stash... The list goes on. I mean, I might move out, but I'll never fly away from home without a thought. Too much at stake. I guess it just shows how much I'm tied to home. Its a double-edged thing.

Went for the SMU interview. It was enjoyable. And dare I say, fun? I liked the environment when we were interacting with the professors. It felt like Literature with Whitby all over again. Ok. Maybe not THAT fun. About 70% of Literature with Whitby. Way better than I expected. I dont mind getting into SMU at all. I used to have this rather negative impression of the place, partially fueled by my cousin and MBA. Yet, after the session... It would not be the end of the world. Yes, fees are scary. Its in town where food is expensive. CCA is like... Urgh. Yet... If I enjoy myself, I think it might be worth it. After all, what more is important than for us to enjoy ourselves? I'm not sure if all these are but a front, but as of now... I shall wait.

I've recently been hooked on Facebook games. Namely Restaurant City and Pet Society. I like seeing my pet, Kurei. He laughs when I clean him. Giggles when I brush him. Dances when I start the application. Sleeps curled when I ignore him... I love him. For obvious reasons that have nothing to do with the name. In Restaurant City, I like working my friends to death to earn money and level up my shop. HAHA. No, I'm not sadistic. Its just really cute. Play the game if you dont believe me. If you're not particular about logging in every day, its great to kill some time. The more brainy stuff is like Word Challenge and Geo Challenge. All of these do not take much time. Just Flash player and you're good to go.

Japanese lessons are starting to be tough. No longer able to rely on my knowledge from random anime and manga and Japanese songs. Its the complex sentences as well as dictionary and polite forms. If anything, Japanese pop culture is uncouth. Think common everyday slang. Not the stuff you type into a school report. So yeah. I can no longer just scrape by, but need to really study from now on. Or I'll flunk. THE HORROR! Oh yeah. For your information, I scored a 89 upon 100 for my Elementary One test. So I'm not lousy.

On the topic of tests, by driving advanced theory is on Wednesday. I have yet to finish studying. SAT is on MAY 2nd. I so need to hit the books.

"Regardless of what is to come to pass, all that matters is that I have enjoyed the times that have passed. What more can I ask for, in my short and feeble existence?"

US + P

Playlist

Construction next door

I'm at home today. Interview at SMU later. I'm nervous. Not the visible type, but the palms are wet type. Its this slow creeping sense that you are totally running out of time. Furthermore, I have not read the paper in ages. Out of date for current affairs. My family does not subscribe to the paper. And recently, I think I'm suffering from social withdrawal symptoms. I hardly go out with my friends, I dont post on the threads, I'm not blogging regularly, the number of SMSes I send has been reduced... In short, I'm turning into a semi-hermit.

I hate this blog format. I cant change the font to Trebuchet. I hate this font, whatever it is. It looks nothing like a blog post, but rather, like some application essay. Yes. Application essay blanks have this default font. Exhaustive in that you have to reformat everything when you copy your essay from Word to the blank, as well as how all the words are flat and small and absolutely lacking in aesthetic appeal. As you can tell, I'm rambling. I think its due to a lack of nutrition today. had one measly slice of bread some 5 hours ago. I'm not one of those girls, or guys, who think they are rabbits and try to survive on lettuce and water. I need proper food. Think carbohydrates, proteins and even fats. I believe in food being food. Not like... Eh. Vegetables all the way. Or just juice. Or just meat. We need a balanced intake. Even when I diet for photo shoots, its modified. No matter how good Vivi claims South Beach is, I think I dislike it enough to alter it into something more enjoyable, if a more sinful.

My USP essay has been rewritten 6 times. As in, rehashed. Not edit. I've edited it so many times I lost count. The topic is still the same, but I've been playing around with changing the focus, as well as the depth of my analysis. If I do get into USP with my current essay, I owe someone lunch. Yes, you. Haha. I mean what I say on MSN. While we are ahead, I would like to thank the following people for being so nice to me during this turbulent times of essay writing.

My brother, for not complaining too much when I hog the computer. The poor kid even had to swap rooms with me. I love you for being such a sweet kid. My dad and mum for not really reinforcing their threat to turn off the computer power supply. I know I spend a REALLY LONG time. Will go back to my maximum-of-3-hours-a-week usage soon. Next are my colleagues. Thanks for turning a blind eye to my essay writing during office hours. Especially Jason, for helping me to proofread. I had no idea he liked L'Arc~en-Ciel! And Glay! I promise I'll stop saying that you are old. And NO. I am NEITHER a scruffy dog NOR Tinkerbell. HAHA. Vivi, for helping me with my essay flow and CHeJ for giving me direction. Without them, I think my essay wont even be trash bin worthy, not to mention USP. Finally... The same gang of people who I always complain to. Who always give me moral support, entertainment and lotsa love. I love you guys too!

This sounds like some Oscar speech. And I'm not even sure if I'm getting into the programme. HECK. They made the effort for me anyway.

"I struggle because I do not wish to die. I fight because I do not wish to live a half-life. I am who I am because I can be no other."