Samhain

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And so its that time of the year again. Where I look at the dates and wonder how in the world I will survive until the next year. Its a good thing I'm born in November, so I have more things to look forward to at the end of the year. I have no idea how I will survive the end of the year if I was born in any other month. There would be nothing to tide me past the onslaught of exams and the culmination of projects and reports and the other hundred and one other things that make our existance on this sad and dreary planet even sadder and more dreary.

Last year was spent in the sad embrace of my Financial Accounting paper. This year? Not much better, Business Processes. And the best part is that I have a paper the very next day as well. So there is no real way that I can celebrate it with my friends or family unless I was to pre-date or postpone the celebration. But really, its a really really sad feeling to know that you have an exam on your birthday and that it only gets worse because you have an exam the very next day as well. And the day before. And that all your friends are far to absorbed in trying to overcome the exam monster to pay any heed to you. Sighs.

I wonder what I will be doing this time next year. If I had my way, I would in studying for my exams in japan. Its an expensive and taxing way to go, I know, so I do not have much hope. I guess I have big dreams and small expectations. Perhaps I learnt this from my family, where my dad always told me to dream big and expect small so that the crushing of my tiny hopes is nothing compared to destroying my big ambitions. Yet, no matter what, it never feels good to have your desires stolen from you. Nothing that is taken from you ever feels good when its being taken.

Quite tired. Peak period, where the reports are all due and your presenattions are strung together. Exams are upcoming, and I'm the new president for my CCA. The pressure is starting to get to me. I need to do well. I expect a lot from myself I guess, but I always doubt my own ability to deliver. Which is rather paralysing if I wasn't quite so tough. Its really a vicious kind of mindset. You want great grades, you want great things. You want to make a name and leave an impact. You want to make an impression and leave a legacy. Yet, you seriously doubt your own capability. The doubts tear at your defenses. You keep dreaming, but you can feel yourself waking up. You think it is all an illusion, and the wind will blow away the smoke and incense that creates your fantasy. You're riddled with holes, and everything bores down on your self-confidence. Of course, you must smile through everything. Of course, you always say that you are fine and you make a joke to lighten the scenario. Well, at least you try to lighten the circumstances.

The weight of desire. No one ever says anything about it. People talk about the weight od expectations. As if everything is external, and if left to your devices, you'd be happy and contented and safe in your little world. So wrong. So narrow. So stupid. People have desires, and these desires are a burden. yeah, sure, its external and whatever. But there are people, like me, who want these things on their own accord. Where you're not content with being envious. I'm greedy. I will work for it. I want it, and I must get it. I am content, but I want to be more contented.

What a contradiction I am...

Welcome to November.

"The thirst that no amount of liquid will quench."

Inside

Playlist


Telephone by Glee Cast


I think I'm seething inside. On the surface I am still able to function and smile and laugh and prattle about insignificant things to make people happy, but inside I'm a wreck. I do know how I feel inside. Like duh. I have a pretty good relationship with myself. I know when I feel like crap. I know when I feel happy. I know when everything is in a mess and the only reason I function is through sheer grit and force of will. I guess I've been in worse straits. I guess I've fallen lower. This isn't rock bottom. Not yet anyway. I'll do my best to never get there? But sometimes your emotions don't function the way you want them to? In fact, they rarely ever do? So yes. Don't ask me if I'm okay. The answer is very obviously NO. But I'll live. I'll freaking yank myself out of this rut. I'll get up, even if I get hurt. Yeah, it would hurt to the high heavens and I'd cry, but I'm going to get up. Help pull me up if you're a friend. I refuse to let myself give up. I refuse to give others a reason a reason to say I'm weak. I refuse to let the situation become a disaster of epic proportions.


I'm not a strong person. I'm indifferent to things and people that don't matter, but once it matters I'm super lousy against it. No resistance, because I tend to give more then I get. A lot of space to get hurt. Which might be the reason why I'm not in a romantic relationship? I think I'll be crying forever if I get into a romantic relationship. So my brain, with whatever brain cells left from what school did not manage to kill, automatically rejects people. I put people into safe categories and with this nice label, I'm safe. I won't let anyone progress past this. Of course, anyone who knows me well knows I'm super duper curious. And that I like to play and experiment. And I like to play with dangerous things. I think I have a minor case of split personality or something. I know it has a high chance of going south of ruining my life. Nevertheless, I'll still go back for more. I'd still try and play. I don't gamble; I just play. Its not just money. Its the intangible things that I play with, the things that you can't quantify. Which might be why I'm in cheer.


I'm a base/back spot. I don't mind? I'd like to fly too though. It looks freaking exciting. Yes, I saw people break their noses. The abrasions. The wounds. Coming down from 2 metres in the air to land on your head. Sprained wrists. Sprained ankles. Knees slammed against the floor. Scratches, cuts... I think cheer is way more dangerous than any other sport mankind can ever imagine. Sport. I'm not talking about cliff-diving and bungee-jumping. These aren't sports. You can't really compete I think? Yeah. I need adrenaline. Maybe because I'm burying parts of myself to conform to society and the demands of daily life. I need an avenue of expression, where I can just do something that is stupid and dangerous. Cheer is both. No matter what anyone tells you, cheer is stupid because it encourages you to put your life onto the hands of others in the name of sport. DUMB.


Sigh. The more I think about this the more I feel like I should take action. Yet, I have no idea of what action I should take. If I do the wrong thing I would probably hit my head against the wall repeatedly in exasperation at my stupidity. Life is scary.


"You knew I was free but you couldn't be bothered."

Lessons

Playlist

踊れ by Micro

I've been in a whole herd of CCAs in my twelve years of formal education and two years in university. And its not like they are all of the same type. Sports, arts, clubs... I've probably been in every type of CCA, with the exception of uniformed groups and those business CCAs. Then again those are considered clubs? Yeah. I've seen a lot of group dynamics, and I think I've learnt a lot. Life lessons I think. Things that the classroom never really teaches you. Things that have to do with organization structure and people relations. And things that tell you more about yourself.

In primary school, my first CCA was Library Club. I assure you it was fun until I wiped the 15th shelf and sorted the 200th book. The teacher in charge was super strict, and we were not allowed to read during club hours. I promptly gave up once I heard that. No point doing cleaning work if I couldn't indulge in my favourite pastime no? The first thing I realised: I was only willing to work for a benefit. 

After that I joined Tennis, and was in Tennis until secondary school. I was never a very consistent player, so I was not in the school team. I was not bad at Tennis, I just got bored of it very quickly. I felt like a dog chasing after a ball, and I disliked having to constantly pick up balls whenever it went out of court. Training in secondary school was very tough. Warm ups were on average 3km runs. Followed by reps to improve coordination and strength. Physical training was killer. More running. Jumping. Numerous exercises. And this was on top of Physical Education in school and jogging sessions. I think I was superbly fit in secondary school. The second thing I learnt: Failing means you have to work more. I can do well, I just need to be motivated. And I think the most important thing was that to improve, a lot of time, effort, sheer hard work, muscle aches, sweat and tears needs to be invested.

Tennis was also the first time I was in contact with the 'popular' clique and hierarchy. It was silly to me, that the seniors get to drink water and got to rest after training, while the juniors had to clean up the court and pack up. To me, everyone used the courts, so everyone should pack. All of us had hands and feet; we could draft a schedule or something and everyone could contribute. I met two of my very good friends in secondary school in Tennis, one a good tennis player, and the other a classmate. The 3 of us were ostracised in the team, because we were not pretty or rich (yes, tennis is a rich person's sport) and obviously, were not 'in'. I think I was left alone because I was a rebel and deviant. People could not predict what I would say or do, so they gave me wide berth. My friends? They were just ignored because they were quieter. It was pretty annoying, because they were nice people (unlike me) and were feeling super lonely. And this taught a few more things: I don't subscribe well to hierarchy. I tend to hang out with the underdogs. And people are mean.

I was also in Audio Visual/ Public Announcement Club in secondary school. Started as a school appointment for my class, and I stayed on for four years. Oh I learnt a lot about politicking from this CCA. The stakes were smaller, so people were more petty. Control was a big thing, and the keys to all the various stores were a physical manifestation of that power everyone wanted so much. It was important to teach the juniors how to use the expensive equipment, so equipment trainings were a big part of club activities. After AV, I know how to wind wires properly, how to test a microphone, how to set up a microphone stand, how to operate stage lighting, how to operate stage curtains, how to operate basic music controls, how to make an announcement in school, how to laminate, how to use walkie talkies... A lot knowledge that you are unlikely to ever use again. More than that, I learnt that the backstage people are people you should never piss off if you want good service. I learnt that AV people are the first to arrive and the last to leave. I learnt how to run across the school carrying heavy equipment, up flights of stairs and to set up in record time. I learnt how to disappear into the background, and that keys are very important assets. I learnt that all the people on stage are useless without us.

I was given the honour of being part of the Outdoor Adventure Club. It was a pretty big thing in secondary school? The five most promising students from each CCA was nominated to apply, where you go through camps and trainings to be finally selected to be part of this elite CCA cum school appointment thing. You learnt to set up obstacle courses, set up a campfire, perform first aid and much more. It was run like a semi- uniformed group CCA, and all the uniformed groups' students and school counsellors and peer helpers wanted to be in it? And this jellyfish made it through. Somehow. HAHA. My uniformed groups' friends were furious when they realised I was selected to participate. I remember what they said that day, "Why is someone like you selected?!". I suppose to them, I was undisciplined, a rebel and totally lacking as a 'leader'. Not suitable, but I made it. Only one in three were selected and I made it in. Only the very best of each CCA (I was sent by AV, part of a ballot, the sheer blasphemy I know), and I made it in. Sure, I wasn't highly ranked. Sure, I was not in the most fantastic department. But I made it in, and I know so many who were in shock that I managed to get in, both my seniors, peers and juniors. Too bad~ I think I did pretty well? My juniors liked me, the group I was in charge of did well, everything was fine and dandy. And yes. I learnt that destroying stereotypes and building your own path could be fun. I learnt that yelling at people would not necessary get them to work. And more than that, I learnt that hierarchy was just a paper leash. I was just going in the same direction that I was guided upon.

Something made me sign up for Chinese Dance in junior college and I was so busy I had no time to join anything else. I have no prior dance experience and I somehow made it through the audition. And I made it into the performing team for the Singapore Youth Festival Central Judging. Maybe it was my natural flexibility, maybe the dance teacher liked my face or I was just super lucky. Of course it was hard work. During peak performance periods, such as Chinese New Year, College Day, National Day and other competitions and performances, we had dance sessions near 6 times a week, Monday to Saturday, and each session was a minimum of three hours. I had zero dance experience, and I somehow survived all these. Every dance was me starting at zero and working my way up. Sheer hard work. I needed to build my foundations from scratch where others had been dancing since they were three years old. Definitely at a disadvantage. And I made it. And some of my friends and juniors only found out when I graduated that I had no dance experience. I know one senior was in shock when she found out while we were talking during stretching exercises. Its like someone with no music background joining band. Like me joining band. HURHUR. So I established that with hard work and a wee bit of talent, you can achieve what others take for granted. If you do your research and throw yourself into learning, you can do anything you want to. I learn stage make up, and found out how much effort goes into that 6 minutes of glamour on the stage. I moved from backstage to centre stage. In dance, no matter how great you were, unless you were dancing a solo, the moment anyone made a mistake, you had to repeat the entire thing again. I learnt to talk with my eyes, my face, my hands, my gestures and my body. I learnt to plaster a smile on my face even when I was giddy with exhaustion and creating more bruises with every time I knelt on the floor in a performance.

And now in university? Cheerleading. As a base. None of the glamour in the air, but hard work on the ground doing tossing, catching, spotting. I'm collecting bruises at a rate where they increase faster than they heal. I've had knee problems, wrist problems, sprains, bleeding lips, cuts on my face... What are a few bruises? No pom-poms, just plenty of sweat and muscle aches. I've watched my peers quit one by one. I've seen new people join for the pseudo social status and perks and misconceived preconception that it was about looking pretty. And when they see how much work it is, they leave, disappointed it isn't as easy as they thought it would be. Too bad~

I guess I've learnt that hard work plays an important role. And that luck is necessary too. Sometimes, I really think luck is a skill as well because things don't come easily without luck. Not that they come easily even with luck, as you need to invest a measure of effort. The main idea is that you really need some luck or you'd get nothing. Luck makes things happen and gives you the result you desire. If you don't have luck, you'd be fighting against the tide and just get swept away to the open sea, further and further away from land and salvation. I know this isn't the clearest paragraph I have ever typed, but yes, it is supposed to be this way and I'm also sleepy and tired and fighting to keep awake. So I shall end this here rather prematurely.

I will keep fighting. I will keep hoping. I will keep trying. I will keep going. I cannot live in a world where I have nothing to strive for. I cannot live in a world where I am a failure. I cannot live in a world where every breath I take is a reminder of how useless I am. I will motivate myself to persevere. This is not the end of the road, not by a long shot.

"I hate rejection."

Disappear

Playlist

Beautiful Hangover by BIG BANG

Its Week 10 in my school and I have every intention of running away and never coming back. From my school work. From my CCA. From my friends. From everything and everyone and anything and anyone. I think some of you are beginning to feel it. You barely see me around. You hardly see me online. I'm not that responsive when you SMS or MSN me. I'm content not to say anything. I'm constantly listening to music. In short, its as if my body is around somewhere and my mind is 30,000 leagues under the sea. Which is true in a way. I need to get away.

I wonder what would happen if I was to disappear? How long would it take before anyone noticed that I was no longer around? How long would it take people to look for me? How long would it take for people to know why I disappeared? I think my school mates will never notice. They would just wonder where I am and say that they've yet to see me for a while, but to actually realise that I was gone and search me out? I think it would never happen. At most they'd go around and say that I'm a heartless gal for not looking for them, but I don't expect them to start hunting high and low for me. Just not done. We've no real connection anyway. Closer friends would think that I was busy with school work and wait for me to look for them. And they will wait. And wait. And if I still donot contact them, they will think I've gotten bored with them and moved on. They'd just move on and somethimes will wonder what I'm doing. I think that is about it. In a relationship, I'm always the more proactive party. So if I was to disappear? I think the relationship would just come crashing down. I have no expectations of the people I hang around with. It would take a minor miracle for them to seek me out and ask me out for a day of revelry. I have to be the one arranging everything. Its either me arranging, or we can all live on in the shell that is our commute between school and home or work and home. Nothing would happen. Everything built would just be eroded by time and they wouldn't bother to upkeep and do any maintenance.

Depressing thoughts for depressing times. People always tell me that they are busy, but I refuse to accept this excuse. You can always make time. Its just what you think is important to you. If FaceBook is important you would be on Facebook every waking hour, even though it reduces your productiveity by about half? Its all a matter of perspective and your priorities. How long does it take to write me a note? How long does it take to send a SMS? How long does it take to type me an email? Oh well. I'm tired of coercing people to give me their time and attention. I'm tired of just giving in a relationship. I'm tired of always being the one who has to entertain all the time. I'm not a freaking clown. When I screw up people get annoyed with me, when all I am doing is trying to make you happy. And If I don't do it, they think I'm throwing a tantrum. Surface acting all the way. What is the point of having friends if their company leaves you feeling bitter? 

Sleepy. I'm getting about 6 hours of sleep everyday, which is a bit less than decent but still alright. Nevertheless I'm utterly exhausted at the end of the day. I wonder why. Something not quite right with my current state. It might be because none of my final projects are finalised. It might be because I need to make a solo presentation next Thursday and I have absolutely no idea of what to speak on. I have no real passion. Inside I'm all cold and dead, and my presentation needs to be a kind of change that I am passionate about. The hardest thing on earth is talking about something you cannot understand. I don't understand true passion. I understand habits. I understand routine. I understand psychology. I understand everything on a very clinical level though. Its really hard to feel. Because somewhere along the way. My heart gave up.

"The things that don't hurt you are the things that we take for granted."

Face

Playlist

REDRUM by VAMPS

Sometimes, I get really annoyed when people assume I am from China. Technically, I am Chinese, but I am Singaporean Chinese. Its like how people from Taiwan or Malaysia or Indonesia are first and foremost a citizen of their country before being Chinese. Not that I dislike Chinese or anything, I really like Chinese culture, but I don't like the stereotypes that come attached. I have a very oriental face, and everyone immediately assumes I'm from the mainland and some country bumpkin at that.

To begin with, it is hardly fair to stereotype everyone from a certain country, and as someone who suffers from it? I can tell you that its is very unpleasant. I have people who never speak to me in any language other than Mandarin, even though they are struggling to construct a coherent sentence. Its only after I ask why they keep trying to speak chopped Mandarin to me, in English, that they realise I can actually understand them in English. And the look on their faces is one of embarrassment desperately hidden under a sheepish laugh. But what about those who do not commit language faux pas that needs correcting? I've found out from my seniors that for 3 months, where they saw me 3 times a week, they were convinced I was not worth working with because I was from China, and they were speculating why a foreign student would want to join the team. When I found out, I gave my most normal smile and told them I wasn't Chinese (meaning from China), but I was an Inuit on exchange because I wanted to see durian trees instead of polar bears.

The people who are biased against me will probably never read this, but I LOVE MY FACE. I love my single eyelids that allow me to spam eyeliner. I love my button nose that isn't broken as easily because of my low nose bridge. I love my cheeks that I can easily puff up to look like a chinchilla to make my friends laugh when they are upset. Sure, I like double eyelids, sharper noses and high cheekbones? But what does it do for me? Easier to apply make up, more photogenic... Less teasing? I'm not even sure of the last part. Grating on my nerves to suffer such indignation but I think I'm not change anything anytime soon.

And on the topic of countries and assumptions and nerves, another ridiculous thing I encounter is the mistaken belief that learning a language for near 2 years will give you mastery over it. The flip side is similarly annoying, where they think they know some phrase and keep using it, and try to show off to you. Unless that person is a freaking GENIUS, I don't think this is even remotely possible to master a language in 2 years. The good ones can achieve a decent level of proficiency. The normal people, like me, are able to read basic words, say basic GRAMMATICAL sentences, and can understand a decent amount of conversation. So please stop asking me things like, "What does Sakae/ Ichiban/ Sushi Tei/ Hanabi/ etc mean? Why do they call it that?" Its a NAME of a restaurant, how the hell will I know why they chose it? So superby annoying. And I abhor people who, somehow somewhere, picked up a Japanese phrase and insist that it means something it doesn't and that I'm wrong. EXCUSE ME. "Ittadakimasu" is used as a greeting before eating, NOT ON THE PHONE. You don't go, " Ittadakimasu, Lee desu." Say that on the phone and I will laugh my lungs out. Honest.

When will people stop being so arrogant? A bit of knowledge and they are oh-so-eager to show off. Its like saying you know everything about the ocean from your primary school science textbook. There is so much more than meets the eye. Scraping the bottom of the barrel and claiming to understand everything on top. There is so much I do not know, and I'm not afraid of acknowledging this weakness. Weaknesses are to be overcome, strengths are to be maintained. Life's like this. And you cannot improve unless you admit that you are weak in a certain area and willing to learn. So frustrating. Not like I'm willing to teach such irritating people anyway. I'd rather help those who are willing to help themselves. Rather than those who are just asking for the sake of asking. I shall just smile and give them a cursory answer to keep them out of my socks.

Killer week is approaching. Let's just say I am beginning to regret the decision I made 8 weeks ago. Oh well. What can I do? Make the best of the situation and hope its satisfactory. No, I am not fatalistic. I'm just pragmatically trying to reduce my tears and pain.

"Sneaking out of my cage, I'm gonna play more!"

Catch

Playlist

Dress by BUCK-TICK

First week back in school after a pseudo one week break where I was in school every single day except Wednesday. All my mid terms are over, so unless there is a pop quiz, I won't be completing another test until November when its the finals. Some of the Mid Term class participation grades have been released, and I seriously need to buck up. I'm in the bottom half of the class, and I need to improve or my GPA will suffer this semester. I really really want to go on exchange to Waseda, so I need to work harder. Yeah, I was stupid to take 5.5 modules this semester when my internship and exchange rests on this semester's results. Nevertheless its a bit useless and late to cry over spilt milk, so all I can do is let the cat drink the milk? In short I'm going to go all out to make sure that I make the best of the situation. Yeah, the power of positive thinking.

Kinda stressed out. Blogging to keep my mood in check. I will probably become slightly more depressed after this entire post is over, but its okay. I need a wake up call. No more mucking about trying to pass time and minimise the suffering. I ought to hit the books, make sure my projects are all A grade worthy and ACE THIS FREAKING SEMESTER. A lot of future tense I know, but I think it is obvious I am trying to psych myself up to make the best out of this semester. I don't have much time left, so optimisation is key. I can hear the desperation and despair creeping in. Sigh.

I wonder if its me being sensitive or its that its happening more frequently. I have this nagging suspicion that its happening more frequently. I may be overreacting an exaggerating a wee bit, but I think a large portion can be attributed to a greater occurrence of annoyances. Maybe its the people I'm hanging out with nowadays. Not my old friends from school, but people I've met within this year. And they don't know me at all. All they see is what I choose to show them in my school persona, and they arrive at ridiculous conclusions from the small amount of time I've spent with them. Really silly but if there's one thing that I have come to realise, it is often the little things that make life hellish. The little insidious comments. The negative rumours and demeaning stereotypes. The things whispered amongst their clique when you're not around, and the acronyms to hide the identity of the person when its already an open secret. Sigh. Politics. Gossip. Jealousy. Viciousness. And that dash of ego and streak of meanness. People.

Blasting music is therapeutic. Studying in school is a necessity. Eating less is probably better for my health. Exercising is good for my self esteem. One day I hope to be free of constraints.

"Like the wind, like the clouds, like the starts, like the moon..."

Flaw

Playlist

Strange by Kerli

I believe there is kismet. And I think I should stop listening to sad songs when I'm in a bad mood. It only serves to amplify the anger and sadness I feel into epic proportions. I need to listen to something like REVOLUTION. Or Brilliant Snow. Something more upbeat and positive. All my playlist is giving me is stuff like Strange, Raison D'Etre and other sad stuff. I need to create mood playlists instead of just shuffling everything.

Was in a bad mood at first, but I think I'm feeling better. I was not consciously aware about why I was in a bad mood? Think it is a side effect of all the Literature classes that I paid attention in. All the books I read and had intense reflection about. Too reflective for my own good. Creating my own self fulfilling prophecies. And I hasten my demise as I start on my downward spiral of negativity and pain. Sighs. The problem with people like me. You live each moment so intensely that its a pain. Happiness is so rich that you get dizzy. Sadness so heart wrenching that your tears never end. Anger so blood churning you act and don't remember a thing, only to see the aftermath. And when you are depressed? You can feel yourself sinking to a place beyond darkness. The higher you go, the harder you fall. And if you work at it, the higher you bounce back too. Not that this way of life is recommended. You go a wee bit nuts after a while. Human kind isn't built for these extreme mood changes. I think your brain goes a bit kooky from all the sudden hormonal differences.

I observe I'm at that age where everyone starts asking about whether I'm in an relationship? I understand that these friends and relatives mean well, what with wanting me out of the house and clearing the fridge less often and dealing with less of my idiosyncrasies... But most unfortunately, the answer is no. In fact, I think I will be a HORRIBLE girlfriend. So I am in no real hurry to get attached? Not that I am likely to, with me being slightly insane, super dramatic and lazy. Not the type that people are generally attracted to. I know, and I'm okay with this? In some crazy, obscure, lazy and frightening way, I actually want to grow old with a few cats in a rickety chair? But of course there is this part that gets a wee bit lonely and all, but its quickly engulfed in the hassles of day to day living. I really don't have the spare brain capacity to WORRY about this. Just passing thoughts in the ocean of my mind. I guess at some point or another you realise you'll never be Number One to anyone and its alright to just be one of the crowd. There's no one I really like anyway? Not inclusive of my shrine and all the random stuff in my room that stares back at me. (You should know what i mean HAHA). Knowing me, if I really liked someone I would pounce on them and NEVER let them go? HAHA. Not so viscerally, but yeah. Those who know me well will understand. Sink thy claws and hope to draw blood.

Is my blog too lengthy? A friend mentioned that reading my blog is like crawling through an essay. And apparently, she has bad memories of essays. I would make it shorter, except that I think I will have 5 shorts posts to replace this one longer post. Ridiculous, so the length will remain unless many have difficulty? Something along the lines of the train of thought, and since I can sit in front of the screen for nearly an hour to compose this, spending 10 minutes to read this should not be a huge problem? Yes, it is not effortless to type a post of this length, contrary to popular belief. 4 paragraphs of text do not just automatically type itself, no matter what you might have been led to believe. If you don't have the patience to read this you can always saunter over to my Tumblr. I assure you that everything there is short. And for those who need pictures and videos to be pictorially and kinaesthetically stimulated, there are plenty of those there too. I try not to type for more than 5 minutes for my Tumblr. Those on Tumblr tend to have a shorter attention span (of course this is an unfounded, completely biased personal opinion); something lengthy would kill their brain cells I believe. So yes. This blog will remain wordy. HAHA.

 

"Without flaws, I would be boring."

Recess

Playlist

Roulette by TETSUYA

2 months since I finally had some time all to myself. No books. No laptop. No mugging and pouring over half understood notes. Life is good. Went to trim my hair. Most of the dry ends are gone and I'm a happy girl that it looks way less like STRAW and DRIED GRASS. HAHA. After that had my long awaited shopping trip with StarF. Was going to wear the dress I bought in Hong Kong, but was irritated to realise that the material was thinner than expected. My monochrome theme turned into a denim theme. Oh well. Met at Wisma's food court and I had three bowls of mango pomelove sago. 3 bowls. Not fantastic, but I was in a mango mood so it was fine. Went over to Far East after that. Its been a long long time since I went there. Bought a pair of shorts from the stall I got my leather jacket from. The uncle is a fantastic sales person, and he totally knows what to recommend. Its really hard for me to buy shorts because of my bottom heavy body shape, but he took one look at me and recommended something that I liked and looked good in. After that I got a shirt, 2 belts and we walked around trying formal shoes... It got boring pretty fast even with a break for tea at Han's. I guess Far East really isn't cheap nor special enough for me to keep at it. We went back to Wisma for Famous Amos and to find FaceShop. Apparently every single FaceShop in the whole of Singapore had run out of nail polish remover. Tried 313 Somerset as well to no avail. In the end I gave up and bought remover from Guardian.

Discovered something new about myself yesterday night. It was my grandma's birthday celebration. At Tung Lok Signatures at Central Clarke Quay. The food was decent I suppose, but nothing exceptional. Dessert was good, the service staff were nice, but I think overall was just decent. For the price? I think the money could have been better spent. Not that I am complaining, I had a good time. The thing is, I tried red wine with no allergic reaction! Either I've outgrown it... Or it was something else that I've been reacting to all along. I liked the wine we had. Sweet. I might actually come to like wine? Will upload a few photos on FaceBook when I'm in the mood to do so. Only took pictures of the things that were interesting and/or yummy. Some were the standard Chinese restaurant dishes so I could not be bothered.

Was suppose to go to Yt's birthday, but my grandma's dinner took much too long. The distance was too great for me to conveniently go over. I feel kind of bad? She bothered to call and ask me to go over to her house for her 21st party and I was a no show. The present was with me the whole day, but I think I was too tired to keep at it past 1030pm. The dinner took 3.5 hours, and by the time we went to the bathroom and all? I was leaving the restaurant with my parents at 11pm. Good thing I did not attend, because by the time I got home and showered I was nearly dead on my feet. Went to bed at midnight. Could barely keep my eyes open. I was supposed to talk to Manwi, but my body could barely keep me awake, much less fangirl. Sorry~

Woke up late today. First thing I did was to do research for my project. Seems like my 3 days turned into 1 day. Not that I can do anything. Friday was spent making my assignment better. Sunday was already used to research for my BP project. The start of my To-Do List:

1) Catch up with MA homework (I'm only at Week3)

2) Revise for MA test next Monday

3) Research MA project

4) Interview my Dad for MPW

5) BP business plan

6) Revise Ethics

7) MC speech idea

Those are the school work related stuff. Below are other things that I need to do:

1) Sew Medusa beads

2) Spray props

3) Collect Sakuya (look for Sakuya's shoes)

4) Research locations for Medusa

5) Prepare for KL trip

I look at this and I feel stressed. Sigh. Why is it that the older I get, the more I feel like time is always running out?

"Run run run away... Run til you can touch the sky with your hands... Run til you get your dreams..."

Grass

Playlist

cosmetic by SID

YES! FREEDOM!

I think school is great because it teaches you to appreciate the rare off days that you don't have any work due. No classes. No need to go to school. No assignments due in the next 3 days. No readings to be done in the next 4 days. No projects due in the next 5 days. Its a kind of paradise after the hectic mess that was Week 6 and 7, what with me falling ill with flu AND food poisoning. There were presentations, tests, classes, assignments due... All over until another week. Recess week is for stocking up on sleep, buying time and trying to prevent fires instead of the usual fire fighting. After 2 semesters in school, I already know that time will pass way to fast during recess and I'll soon be running in my school life cycle treadmill again. Nevertheless, its good to be able to sleep well knowing that you don't have to run after the bus and chase elusive deadlines and trudge your sorry way to school come rain or shine or flooding.

I need to cut my hair. The ends look like dried grass. Brown. And dry. Dried grass. Its kinda kinky as well because of all the knots I've gotten into it. My hair is rebonded, so any knots in my hair are stuck permanently as kinks. Only way to remove kinks is to cut. And I really do want to cut. Its at a length that it keeps getting caught with my bag, that I accidentally pull it when I wake up in the morning, that I accidentally slap people behind me when I turn my head, that is super heavy when wet, that some idiots can easily grab and mess up (as if they are still in primary school), that take forever for me to wash in the shower... I think its quite obvious that it is starting to get on my nerves. I have very little patience for the inconveniences of life. And my hair is doing nothing but adding to it. I need it long to finish up my photoshoot, but the way its growing out and the way its annoying me? If my mood hits and I'm not careful I'm just going to hack it off. I can imagine the headache its going to cause, so I think I'm just going to trim it a wee bit before it gets out of hand. Maybe tomorrow. Just a bit shorter. Give my neck a bit of a rest.

So many things happening over the next few days. Long awaited shopping trip with StarF. Birthday party of my granny and a friend. I want to start on my costume. Spray painting. Anything and everything but hitting the books. I need a break and I'm going to give myself the break. Of course I'm going to sleep more too. My poor body has not have the time to rest and recuperate. This gal needs about an average of 8 hours to be happy. Anything less than that and all the symptoms of stress starts to accumulate. Sure I still function fine, just that I am not at my peak? Needs rest. Rest~

Oh yeah. There was someone who seriously pissed me off. Lets call this person A for the sake of protecting those who are still nice and kind and innocent and unaware of the stinking bitch she is. I mean, she's not the kind of person that those will use the 5 letter word to describe, but she really is one. Underneath that cute-sy and slightly blur facade is one conniving hell of a pest. I don't usually defame people on my blog to such an extent, so she really is something for me to just go all out. She doesn't read this blog, and has never known about this blog and is likely to NEVER get to know about this from me. I used to think she was okay. Used to be okay with her. But the more I see how she does things, I can't help but think she's really a super BITCH. The things she says of others smacks of hypocrisy. Jealous, possessive, two-faced, rude, unkind... She's really smart and nice to the people she likes, so most don't realise what a horrible person she is. She's nice to me so far, but the way she is constantly complaining about others and bitching about them makes me seriously wonder about the awful things she might be saying behind my back. I'm not her best friend. She's not my best friend. We've known each other for barely a year. We've hardly worked together. And yet all the stuff she tells me about others are bordering on private. I wouldn't tell a mere acquaintance about intimate details in a friend's relationship. I wouldn't ask for special favours from an acquaintance. Its almost shameless how she tries to make use of others, and thinks I'll just go along with her. And everyone falls for that girl-next-door smile and happy laugh.

Someone help me find the person I was, the person who believed in righteousness, justice, love and truth. I can't find her anymore. Its not darkness. Its chaos. In the noise and colours and the mess of everyday, where did my true self go?

"Happy Children's Day"

Futility

Playlist

奈落 by The GazettE

I have no idea why this is making me angry but it is. I know I made things clear, much to the chagrin of my friends with respect to how I did it. (Oh come on, you've known me for so long you should know full well how I operate.) I guess this is just me. I never thought I would be one of those straight laced people who needs every thing in nice little cubby-holed categories. Well, it seems like I am. Within the boundaries of each category, I give plenty of wriggle room? You can do whatever you want as long as you don't ride over to the other category. Its NOT ok to go into the other category. Anything else but that is fine. That category is reserved for the special people who have managed to get there. Its like how I let my best friend get away with making me wait for 3 hours without a valid reason. Anyone else would get punched in the gut. Or I'd just go home and you can forget about ever seeing me again. For her? Well, we're still best friends. I think I sort of threw a tantrum. But otherwise I'm okay? Unless you're my best friend, please don't expect to get the same treatment.

ARGH. So yes I am ANGRY. The only reason why this is on my blog instead of me flying over to sucker punch people is because I don't want to make a mess of things. The very fact that I'm even reacting enough to have a blog post about this just goes to show how absolutely affected I am. Its not what was said. It is when it was said. And how it was said. It could have just ended prematurely. YOU ARE IN THE FREAKING WRONG CATEGORY. Get in line to apply to be a Fishy and we'll see how things go. You don't get to the Fishy stage, you don't get the right to say what you will about me to anyone and everyone!

This is a bad bad BAD way of using my blog. Its not suppose to be a public arena where I air my grievances about the annoying little people who make my day bad and smear my reputation across the floor of the sewage and plumbing with the crazy stupid little rumours and innuendos that they have nothing better to do but say. I have more pressing things to do. I have cannons to spray paint. I have 600 beads to sew. I have tests to study for. I have reports to write. I have paperwork that needs to be filed. I have clothes to iron. I have my room to pack. I have SO MANY THINGS TO DO. I do not want to be thinking of nonsensical pranks as well!

Or is that your aim? To somehow make me think about all this even after everything that was said? If its true, I have three words. Exercise in futility. We all know that nothing can come to pass. Not that I'm being negative or positive or 'not giving people a chance'. Just think of it rationally. Its not that I'm against anything, but honestly? If it was for real I would deal with it differently. But if its all a game? I'm not playing. Let's make this clear once and for all.

"My greatest weakness is my greatest strength"

College

Playlist

Follow Me by BIGBANG

This is something I stumbled upon on Facebook. I know most people don't bother to click on links, but I make it a point to do so if it seems interesting and a) not a photo b) not another lame video c) atypical.

This is an excerpt from the MIT Admissions blog. Quite meaningful. Do read! Its the 50 things you should take note in college. Some are not that relevant, but I think most makes sense. Enjoy~

Here goes...

1. Your friends will change a lot over the next four years. Let them.
2. Call someone you love back home a few times a week, even if just for a few minutes.
3. In college more than ever before, songs will attach themselves to memories. Every month or two, make a mix cd, mp3 folder, whatever - just make sure you keep copies of these songs. Ten years out, they'll be as effective as a journal in taking you back to your favorite moments.
4. Take naps in the middle of the afternoon with reckless abandon.
5. Adjust your schedule around when you are most productive and creative. If you're nocturnal and do your best work late at night, embrace that. It may be the only time in your life when you can.
6. If you write your best papers the night before they are due, don't let people tell you that you "should be more organized" or that you "should plan better." Different things work for different people. Personally, I worked best under pressure - so I always procrastinated... and always kicked ass (which annoyed my friends to no end). ;-) Use the freedom that comes with not having grades first semester to experiment and see what works best for you.
7. At least a few times in your college career, do something fun and irresponsible when you should be studying. The night before my freshman year psych final, my roommate somehow scored front row seats to the Indigo Girls at a venue 2 hours away. I didn't do so well on the final, but I haven't thought about psych since 1993. I've thought about the experience of going to that show (with the guy who is now my son's godfather) at least once a month ever since.
8. Become friends with your favorite professors. Recognize that they can learn from you too - in fact, that's part of the reason they chose to be professors.
9. Carve out an hour every single day to be alone. (Sleeping doesn't count.)
10. Go on dates. Don't feel like every date has to turn into a relationship.
11. Don't date someone your roommate has been in a relationship with.
12. When your friends' parents visit, include them. You'll get free food, etc., and you'll help them to feel like they're cool, hangin' with the hip college kids.
13. In the first month of college, send a hand-written letter to someone who made college possible for you and describe your adventures thus far. It will mean a lot to him/her now, and it will mean a lot to you in ten years when he/she shows it to you.
14. Embrace the differences between you and your classmates. Always be asking yourself, "what can I learn from this person?" More of your education will come from this than from any classroom.
15. All-nighters are entirely overrated.
16. For those of you who have come to college in a long-distance relationship with someone from high school: despite what many will tell you, it can work. The key is to not let your relationship interfere with your college experience. If you don't want to date anyone else, that's totally fine! What's not fine, however, is missing out on a lot of defining experiences because you're on the phone with your boyfriend/girlfriend for three hours every day.
17. Working things out between friends is best done in person, not over email. (IM does not count as "in person.") Often someone's facial expressions will tell you more than his/her words.
18. Take risks.
19. Don't be afraid of (or excited by) the co-ed bathrooms. The thrill is over in about 2 seconds.
20. Wednesday is the middle of the week; therefore on wednesday night the week is more than half over. You should celebrate accordingly. (It makes thursday and friday a lot more fun.)
21. Welcome failure into your lives. It's how we grow. What matters is not that you failed, but that you recovered.
22. Take some classes that have nothing to do with your major(s), purely for the fun of it.
23. It's important to think about the future, but it's more important to be present in the now. You won't get the most out of college if you think of it as a stepping stone.
24. When you're living on a college campus with 400 things going on every second of every day, watching TV is pretty much a waste of your time and a waste of your parents' money. If you're going to watch, watch with friends so at least you can call it a "valuable social experience."
25. Don't be afraid to fall in love. When it happens, don't take it for granted. Celebrate it, but don't let it define your college experience.
26. Much of the time you once had for pleasure reading is going to disappear. Keep a list of the books you would have read had you had the time, so that you can start reading them when you graduate.
27. Things that seem like the end of the world really do become funny with a little time and distance. Knowing this, forget the embarrassment and skip to the good part.
29. No matter what your political or religious beliefs, be open-minded. You're going to be challenged over the next four years in ways you can't imagine, across all fronts. You can't learn if you're closed off.
30. If you need to get a job, find something that you actually enjoy. Just because it's work doesn't mean it has to suck.
31. Don't always lead. It's good to follow sometimes.
32. Take a lot of pictures. One of my major regrets in life is that I didn't take more pictures in college. My excuse was the cost of film and processing. Digital cameras are cheap and you have plenty of hard drive space, so you have no excuse.
33. Your health and safety are more important than anything.
34. Ask for help. Often.
35. Half of you will be in the bottom half of your class at any given moment. Way more than half of you will be in the bottom half of your class at some point in the next four years. Get used to it.
36. In ten years very few of you will look as good as you do right now, so secretly revel in how hot you are before it's too late.
37. In the long run, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as what you do with the opportunities you're given there. The MIT name on your resume won't mean much if that's the only thing on your resume. As a student here, you will have access to a variety of unique opportunities that no one else will ever have - don't waste them.
38. On the flip side, don't try to do everything. Balance = well-being.
39. Make perspective a priority. If you're too close to something to have good perspective, rely on your friends to help you.
40. Eat badly sometimes. It's the last time in your life when you can do this without feeling guilty about it.
41. Make a complete ass of yourself at least once, preferably more. It builds character.
42. Wash your sheets more than once a year. Trust me on this one.
43. If you are in a relationship and none of your friends want to hang out with you and your significant other, pay attention. They usually know better than you do.
44. Don't be afraid of the weird pizza topping combinations that your new friend from across the country loves. Some of the truly awful ones actually taste pretty good. Expand your horizons.
45. Explore the campus thoroughly. Don't get caught.
46. Life is too short to stick with a course of study that you're no longer excited about. Switch, even if it complicates things.
47. Tattoos are permanent. Be very certain.
48. Don't make fun of prefrosh. That was you like 2 hours ago.
49. Enjoy every second of the next four years. It is impossible to describe how quickly they pass.
50. This is the only time in your lives when your only real responsibility is to learn. Try to remember how lucky you are every day.

Be yourself. Create. Inspire, and be inspired. Grow. Laugh. Learn. Love. 

Welcome to some of the best years of your lives.

"Some things need to be said over and over again at the risk of sounding like a broken tape recorder. Its just meant to be that way."

Throat

Playlist

Vivid Place by Deluhi

This is a weird time for my blog to be updated, and if you noticed, good for you. No I am not in class, rather I am at home! Not that class was cancelled or that it ended early, but yours truly is SICK. Flu, slight fever and sore throat. I'm going to be a meanie and say this: JX if you are reading this I think you are partially responsible. The other part is one annoying half-recovered bugger with a 4.1 GPA sitting next to me during FT who was having a great time making fun of my resume and kept trying to get my attention simply because he was bored. 3 hours of non-stop nonsense. I should have swapped places with the person on my left. And yes, I fall ill very easily. I will go to NTUC Medicare at least once a term. Not that I'm proud of maximising my school insurance policy, but more of I spend too much energy living life. My resistance is weak when I lack sleep. Its Week6. Who in the WORLD has enough sleep? Except the few smarties here and there. Anyway, I went to school for BP and was super obviously falling asleep, HW can i borrow your notes please?, prepared for MC and went for the presentation before I bailed and went home. Don't want to infect my entire class, its going to be Week7. Crucial period~ (Oh yeah, thanks Al for my ez-link card! *muacks*)

Tone is kinda different because I'm typing this as I wait for the medication to kick in and send me to LaLaland. Hard to sleep with a blocked nose and sore throat. Breathing is tough I guess? But as I'm weak and my throat is on fire and my nose is running like mad... I shall wait until I feel slightly more comfortable before I sleep. I will probably wake at 9pm plus to eat a bit of food, take another round of medication and go back to making friends with my bolster and blanket. Skipping cheer and school because I think I'm a biological hazard. See? I am being nice and considerate!

Its been a hectic week. First half was busy with MPW case presentation and the odd MC rehearsals. After that was MC all the way~ Now that MC is over? Should be using the weekend to study Ethics and some BP. Mid terms coming up, I need to prepare. I'm sort of nervous about the video interview and dine out on Tuesday and Wednesday, but I doubt I would mess it up badly. I'm just wishing that I don't say or do something stupid. I need to improve my GPA. I want to get to Waseda. And to do that I need to keep my GPA above 3.2. Ideally it would be 3.5, but I am not moaning as yet? My fault that I am not doing well because I have not been putting too much effort into certain classes. Sigh. Oh yeah! Can someone remind me to ask my FT prof about dress code for scholarship interviews? Thank you! I always seem to forget to ask her.

I should be churning out my birthday wishlist soon. I know, I know, I'm this crazy girl for creating birthday wishlists. The thing is, I love my birthday. And more than anything, I like presents. You can say that I am thick-skinned or whatever, but I don't like presents that I cannot use. Please don't give me useless things either. Decorative things are risky with me, because you never know when I will smile and thank you for the present only to have it chucked in this distant corner to be a paper weight. Or better yet, I don't even remember you giving me anything! I wish everyone would be as considerate as me and give me a list of things that they want. I am terrible at buying presents. TERRIBLE. Especially for big events like 21st birthdays or going away presents. Please do not ask me to choose something. I will get something that is boring and safe. Stuff your distant uncles and relatives give you. Not that there is no thought, but I would probably spend a month thinking and NOT be able to think of anything. Just tell me what you want. Saves us all the hassle of getting things we don't like, don't want and won't use. Excellent idea yes?

Every time I see a photo blog, there's this slight pang of jealousy. I'm awfully lazy and the chances of me uploading pictures from my camera phone is once in 6 months. The other thing is I have no idea how interested people are in the photos that I take? I have no kick ass camera, just my moody point and shoot and my hand phone camera. Yeah, I have a good sense of angle what with my hobby and all, but I think there are some technical details that angle cannot rescue. Clarity is always lacking. And if you zoom in, it gets all grainy. Poor quality, not in terms of subject, but the medium. Sad, but I'm doing my best to avoid cameras. A bit too expensive. Will just borrow when I can, but I'm staying away from them for now. Along with the cars and watches and pretty clothes, I will stay far far away until I actually earn money. The more I research, the more I want it. Not good. I will go broke all too soon.

Okie, medicine is taking effect. Please SMSSMS, I will reply as long as I am awake. Thank you and loves you!

"Take me away to a faraway place... With you it will always be a great journey... Lets try to go further..."

Memory

Playlist

サイケデリコ∞サイケデリコ by D=Out

I was thinking about my family as I was cleaning the floor today. I realised that although we're not rich, I had a great time growing up. I never really lacked anything I guess? I always had fun. Yeah, there were many times that I cried. Many times I wanted to die. Regardless, I had a good time as a kid.

My dad used to bring us to the old National Library on Saturdays morning. After breakfast we would wait for the library to open and my brother and I would run in to grab our books. We needed to go grocery shopping, so we usually only had about 30 minutes to get everything. My dad would get Runner's World or some sport related book. Sometimes there would be Scientific American. Or some technology magazine. My mum would get stuff like cook books, scarf knotting books, flower arrangement and the odd Chinese philosophy book. My younger brother would head to the animals and insects and plants section. Or those spot the difference books. And me? Fairy tales. Classics. Science fiction. Fantasy. Humour. I loved the original darker Grimm's fairytales. Loved anything out of this world. I only started reading general fiction when I started to run out of things to read. Now Murakami is love. Discovered horror in late secondary school. No romance because my dad didn't want me reading 'trashy' books, and I later realised I loved plot too much to read bodice rippers. I get bored far too fast. I would devour all the books by Sunday night and would be eagerly anticipating the weekend because I wanted new books. My parents had to limit me to one book per day. And then I found out about the school library. Wiped out all the fiction books in my library because most of it was too childish for me. Can you imagine? I was reading Pride and Prejudice, Lord of the Rings, To Kill a Mockingbrid at age 12? Secondary school was stuff like Grapes of Wrath, all of Shakespeare's stuff, Catcher in the Rye and more. Junior college was stuffed with modern writing on themes like war and death and love and life. And these are just the stuff in English. I read comics, be it Marvel or Chuangyi. I read the Chinese classics. I studied poetry in both English and Chinese. I love books. My one true love in this world. I can talk about books forever, and I have so many fabulous memories of the old National Library.

Another amazing memory is going to MacRitchie. Yeah, I hate running, but I love that place. We had picnics, jogging sessions, playing on the slope, running on the planks, trying to catch fish... HAHA. I have a scar on my ankle from where I scraped against the drain. It was fun to get out and see the plants and run around and play. It was tiring, sure, but enjoyable. All the energy has to go somewhere, and MacRitchie was understanding. Yelled and jumped and played. The cross country events when I was in secondary school were a pain, but my original memory of that place is one where I could disappear from all my troubles amongst the greenery. OH! The beach was fabulous too! Picnics! Cycling! Cycling! Sleeping on a hammock. Lousy sandcastles. Shell collecting. Kayaking even though I can't swim to save my life. 26th December. The day of the Boxing Day tsunami, I was solo kayaking in the sea with my dad. Crashed against the beach 4 times trying to take off. Hurt like anything but he was taunting me so I persevered. MAD FUN. Sea was choppy, but if there's one thing I know, respect nature and you'll never be in deep trouble. I wanted to show my dad I could do it. Yeah, I'm a bit competitive. A bit. HAHA.

I think I could blog a series about my childhood. Each fantastic individual memory in full technicolour. All the smells and tastes. All the reckless things I did because I wanted to prove myself. In the beginning to my dad. Later to my peers and teachers. And now, myself. More than anything, I want to show myself that I can do it. I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself, but I will push myself to the limit? I'm not a marathoner. I'm not a mugger. If there's one thing I learnt, its the importance of balance. I studied really hard. I played really hard. I had fun indoors, I had fun outdoors. I had fun alone, I had fun with others. No wonder all my personality tests show someone who is neutral. I'm an introvert who is a closet extrovert and an extrovert who is introverted. I am a pessimist who is a secretly optimistic and an optimist with a strong streak of pessimism. I'm not your average girl because somewhere along the way as I was growing up, I grew tired of the bimbos and bitches, and I decided that I didnt want to be a tomboy either. After all, gender is a social construct.

"Because this is the only chance I'll have at this."

Quirk

Playlist

GIRLism by SCANDAL

I think I pick up personality quirks really easily. The more I hang out with a certain person, the more I speak like them. Not that I copy whatever they say, but the vocabulary and sentence structures that I utilise starts to evolve to something similar. Of course, its not as if I will sound like that person, but while retaining some personal flavour, my speech patterns have changed. Learning Japanese has also changed the way I structure my sentences in English. I think it might be due to the differences in grammar forms for these two languages. English tends to move the subject to the back of a sentence and the modifiers in front of it, while Japanese stuffs the topic right smack in the front, but modifies it at the back. I need to think in a weird way to compose a coherent sentence in Japanese. Its different form Chinese and English, although there are many things about the language that makes it similar as well. And the culture? There are some things that are not said directly in Japanese. Questions are a very good example. And there are just some sentence forms that do not exist at all.

I've changed quite a lot. I'm no longer as blunt as how I used to be. I'm way more two-faced than a few years ago. I'm better at hiding my weaknesses and pretending to be okay. Sighs. I think I can attribute part of it to learning Japanese. It makes you think more about what you're going to say and how its going to sound to others. And I often try to translate whatever I think into Japanese to improve my sentence structures, although this has had very limited success. On the whole? My environment has changed me. Getting to know more people this summer, getting to know more people in my classes, getting to know more people in my project groups... In short more exposure. I never thought that I would become like this. I would probably have been voted Most Likely To Insult Some Big Shot And Get Shot in secondary school. In JC I think the post would have evolved to Most Likely To Say Something That Would Speed Up Her Demise. And now? I am still more blunt than most people, but I think I'm nearer to the average. The progress has been nothing short of exponential in my one year in SMU.

Of course I still do stupid things. I'm more aggressive and confrontational than most people, and this is something that is hard to change. I won't run away from problems, but my too direct approach makes people think that I'm offensive. And sometimes, I do things that are exercises in futility, like trying to sort out a misunderstanding and actually CREATING a bigger misunderstanding. I've this wonderful ability to do that. And everyone will stare at me, fascinated, like some car that is hurtling headlong into a wall at top speed and a collision is inevitable. HELLO? People, couldn't you try to tell me to swerve and avoid the wall? Friends? PFT. I think you people think I'm this very amusing an entertaining clown.

I guess the more surface acting that you do, the more tired you're going to be. I don't even feel like smiling. And sometimes I want to shut up and just do my own thing. But no, I have to be nice and considerate and kind and talkative. Its not often that I can just keep quiet and people won't misunderstand my silence as me being pissed off at something or someone or another. Its my natural face. If I don't smile and don't move, I look like I'm angry. I know this. So many regrets, but I guess I try not to live my life examining each one in agonising detail. I'd probably go crazy from depression at my inadequacy and despair of ever moving forward and improving. No good at all.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to blog. Partially my rather egoistic way of justifying my existence. A blog is my space. No one else can post at this site but me. you can only spectate; I'm the one in charge of the content. Control. My best friend and worst enemy. Too much and too little. I'm too extreme for my own good. Should walk the middle path as per Aristotle.

Eeek. I just reread the entire post and realised that I'm near incoherent. I want to sleep, so I shall stop here. Yet another inconclusive post~

"I fear running away, so I will be a coward and approach head-on"

Tempt

Playlist

Ring Ding Dong by Shinee

Yes I gave in to temptation and listened to Shinee. Yes, they make me feel fat.Yes, they make me feel old. Yes, some of their songs are irritating. But I guess Korean pop is good for doing homework because I've been completing more work? So yes. I will just listen to a few songs here and there and skip the rest. HAHA.

I miss Laruku. I know they are celebrating their 20th anniversary next year, but it feels so very far away. I really want to know where will the concerts be held. Other than the usual Japan. And Paris and London. I have this feeling Shanghai will get a stop as well. The furthest I am willing to travel is Hong Kong/Taiwan. Just for them. Partially because I want to go to Hong Kong again and I would love to be able to visit Taiwan. If I somehow manage to go Japan, I'll buy the tickets. FOR SURE. So what if I won't understand most of what is being said by them. So what if I'd probably get lost on my to the concert location and on my way back. I will attend their concert. Its the least I can do for myself. I love Laruku. When I was crying, when I was sulking, when I was depressed, when I was hurt and feeling like the world might as well end, they were the one band in my playlist that I could rely upon to make me feel better again. Big Bang helps me feel like partying. Deluhi is nice. D=Out is cool. Epik High makes me feel calm. Flow is comforting. Gackt is funny. Kazuki is jazzy. Matenrou is hypnotic. SID is awesome. Versailles gives me confidence. Vidoll is familiar. But my one and only true love is hyde with his amazing vocals and Laruku's classic rhythms. VAMPS works because its hyde singing. I think I've explained enough.

Which song do I like? And why? I think Ready Steady School is one of my all-time favourites. Vivid Colours. Blurry Eyes. My Dear. Twinkle, twinkle. Lost Heaven. New World. Shout at the Devil. Honey. Dive to Blue. Pretty girl. Seventh Heaven. Bless. Why do I like them? I think its the composition? I'm not sure, never bothered to study music. I am more of a consumer than a producer. I just know that its not something that can be easily danced to, but its still addictive. I like dance tracks with variation because it allows me to move along to it. But Laruku songs are more of stuff you listen to as you look out of the window in the bus? HAHA. I feel like putting down more, but I feel weird. Its like revealing all your little desires that make you tick. Its like telling someone all the embarrassing things you did. Its like telling people the colour of your freaking underwear. YEAH. So I shan't continue. Too private. Too close to my heart. Too much ammunition HAHA.

So sad that I can't sing along to Laruku songs without mauling it. Its not that I can't sing, but my key is way off. I mean, yes, hyde is a guy. And my singing voice is higher than most girls. I can do those super whiny and high-pitched annoying girl voices. The kind of voice that I hate the most and will want to hurl something pointy at the source of the annoyance. But I have that kind of voice. Like Spinelle. YEAH. I can pitch my voice lower, I usually do when I'm being sarcastic? But when I'm angry enough, I use that whiny voice against others. I know it pisses people off, so I do it to be mean. HAHA. I probably have accumulated a mountain of negative karma.

Ah. I must have been a rabbit or hamster or penguin in my previous life. I love skin contact. DISTURBING, but true. I will unconciously bump into people I'm with. I will go so close as to invade and remove personal space. I will cling and hold hands and hug and just touch. Okie, this comes across as something utterly disturbing and potentially bad for my reputation, but HECK. Its not like I didn't have rumours about me being lesbian when I was in school. People thought I was double-dating 2 of my close friends. Hilarious but true. And then some thought I'm bisexual. At that point, I felt slightly hurt? But after a while it was a game to do the most shocking thing possible to stun everyone around me. I don't remember what I did with my friends, but I remember some very fun episodes where even mutual friends wondered if it was a game or for real. Yes, I'm a bit extreme. But I exert self-control when I'm around guy friends? Especially guy friends who are already attached. Must stay at least one arm's width away. Must control and not do stuff that can be misinterpreted. I feel bad otherwise? So I will always need to find a close female friend after that to glomp. I guess its because I feel lonely? What love and affection and friendship? I can't believe in intagibles like that. Touch is something that I can trust. Skin hunger is something I have, and I'm not afraid to say it if I need a hug? Why should I deny myself of being hapy if its free and guranteed to work? Just because most people don't do so? Most people are STUPID if thats the case. I'm a social animal. I will want physical reassurance. You mean you've never ever wanted a hug? I know some people have proximity issues, and I usually can't get along with those people because I need the contact. Its part of the way I communicate, so if I can't touch you at all I feel disabled in a way. Which might explain why my guy friends are sadly super few. The ones I'm closer to are those who don't run away the moment I lean in closer? HAHA. I'm not going to bite anyone... I think?

Yes, this is because someone said something that made me angry. I should change my Facebook status to engaged. Or married. Or something. Let them guess and speculate and wonder if its for real or a game. Life's a game anyway. EECH. Don't make me angry, I might just go mad and play with someone that you don't want me to touch~ Careful I don't steal the person you love away from you just for the fun of it because YOU hurt the people I love. So hold on tight ok? <3

"どしゃぶり雨が上がれば　生まれたての空が光る いつだって変われるよ絶対　本気で願えば大丈夫さ"

Choice

Playlist

Frontier by DELUHI

In case you're worried, I am still your one and only JellyFish. I will still make fun of your email name. I will still laugh at the silly things you do. I will still do the mad, crazy things I always do to make you happy. And to me, you'll always be my 'dear'. No matter what happens. If you were to betray me or were to leave me, I'd get mad pissed. I'd scream at you. I'd cry buckets of tears and stab voodoo dolls of you. And I do all these, because I love you no matter how much I hate you. Not the most comforting thing I can say, but you don't expect me to write paragraphs of purple prose declaring my undying love right? You've know me since times long past, and I think you should know how I deal with stress~

In a way, I was right. 2 people who are the same will never have a happy ending. I mean, one of me and one of you is way more than enough in this world. If I met someone who was like me, not LOOK like me, I would probably stab her to death? So annoying. So irritating. So noisy. So disgusting. Something along those lines. So I guess it is a good thing that we are so different? How I'm caring and blunt, and you're selfish and such a sweet-talker. Perfect combination of good cop bad cop, both internally and externally. I'm always the 'evil' one to tell people the bad news while you comfort them, when inside, you're the one who's happy you don't have to do it. And I do it because I can't bear to watch another moment of this grande debacle. Somehow, we work, and I really am glad for this relationship. I guess it gives me a sense of security? False security it might be, but I would settle for the little I can get. When I can get it of course. You with your bright and happy life that is so distracting that you can't be bothered to drag me along? I'm sick to embroil myself further in this funk, but I suppose this spiralling web of darkness is better than a swift descend into the abyss. Lesser of two evils and all.

I wonder what I would be like if I was like every other person. I can't even begin to imagine life without all the things I do. No Flare. No Ballooning Bliss. No Laruku. No Gackt. No Deluhi. No FLOW. No D=Out. No manga. No Manwy. No SD. No Brinjal. No Kaen. No Fishies. No extended 'family'. What would I be doing now? Cooking? Baking? Studying? Cycling? Playing tennis? Reading? Watching television? I really have no idea. I am too used to the way I live, rushing from one deadline to another, living day by day, week by week, event by event. How can I even fanthom another? It would be like imagining another world, you can see it, but you cannot smell it, nor can you feel the texture of it. You can only guess what it will be like form your limited knowledge of this world, but the other path is clearly out of reach. Still, I can dream, can't I?

I should learn a musical instrument. I get a bit green-eyed whenever my people show off their musical prowess. Does not help that almost everyone you know can either play the guitar, the violin or better yet, the PIANO. And the look at me in amazement when I tell them I can't tell the difference with all those beansprouts on those lines. I'm sorry if my parents did not have the money to send me for ballet to pirouette in pink tutu skirts, nor did they have the money to buy send me for music classes. But I'm happy with the way I am? Sure I wish I could go on pointe. Sure I want to be able to show of my awesome musical ability. But I know how to laugh. I know how to love people. I know how to be loyal. I know how to be humane. I know how to get up on my feet and keep going even if the odds are stacked high as the mountians reaching to the sky. I'd be sad. I'd need encouragement. But I'd keep going. And for that I am proud to be who I am.

I think I derailed. And lost sight of the train. And somehow, I realised that I no longer want to go to where I was heading to in the beginning. So I guess this is it.

"君に会いたい今会いたい眠れない夜も夢の中も。。。”

Fair

Playlist

Lorelei by Deluhi

I know I said I would not treat this blog as some ranting arena, but I think I'm at my limit. I wanted to survive 7 weeks in school before I go crazy and complain about school here, but evidently, this post is proof that I'm nowhere near 7 weeks and already falling apart.

In case people forgot, I am human. I have wishes. I have troubles. I have desires. I have problems. I have responsibilities. I have my own life. No matter how much I try to be there for you, I do have a limit. Let's face it, I can't be there every single freaking moment of your life. I need to sleep. I need to eat. I need to study. I need to live my life. I can't possibly be there all the time right smack at the moment next to you when you need a hug. I cannot feasibly teleport myself. The most I can do is to give you a call. And I cannot possibly call you in the middle of my seminar. Or when I am asleep. Or when my phone runs out of battery. There are physical inadequacies. I know these. So all I ask is for you to hold on until I can get to you. I know the next 4 hours will feel like a nightmare. I know waiting for me to call you feels like forever. I know our next meeting is eons away. I know. All I ask is for you to hold on. Just a bit more. I'll be there. I'll catch you if you fall. Just don't hit the ground so fast? Believe me, I am thinking of you. You say I can just leave if I put you as my first priority, but really think about it. In good times, you were the one who told me that you could hold on.

I am utterly exhausted. Emotionally drained from dealing with drama. Mentally drained by the gymnastics required by my classes. Physically drained from running on little food and even lesser sleep. I try, but I feel that I am about to break down in the middle of something important and start crying soon. Have you ever thought about me? Have you ever thought if I was falling apart under my toothy smile and never-ending enthusiasm? Have you ever asked me what I wanted instead of telling me what you want? Some may say I talk too much for them to talk, but I prattle on because you expect me to talk. And you say I'm a talkative, loud and noisy. Isn't this unfair? I can live in silence, but you'd feel uncomfortable and make me talk. So I go on and on about things that don't matter, or hint about things that matter. But I guess you didn't get the hint, which is why this post exists.

I hate this part of you that makes me so ugly. Left to my own devices, I'd be reading manga. Or books. Or my notes. Or watching videos. Or listening to music. I'm introverted, but I do all the surface acting for your sake. Its so unbearably tiring, but what else can I do? How many people actually know me? How many of you avoid me the moment I'm in trouble because you 'can't deal' with me? Fair weather friend you lot! You are allowed to go berserk, and I have to be your supportive crutch all the way, but the moment I'm in a fix I'm left to my own devices?! 

I have had enough.

"Fair weather friend, LEAVE."

Surface

Playlist

In class....

Just went to the Apple store to take a look, and I feel sad for my Tofu. Not even a year and it now looks like something from the stone age. Not that I will change my Tofu immediately, hell no, but the retina display is really very attractive to a frequent reader of manga on the go. Being able to see Tsuruga Ren CLEARLY is a huge plus. Oh well, you have it to Apple to make wants feel like a need.

I guess we all have our sad and bad times. No one can predict when exactly we would feel bad, but I guess you can predict certain patterns after a while? You start feeling upset when you feel unmotivated, when you feel that you're not as important as others, when you fel that you're being abandoned, when you feel that you're not understood, when you feel that you have no other viable alternative. The symptoms are obvious enough, and they set in after a while. First is the emptiness in some deep part of you that makes you go out more and talk more and interact more. Next comes the nagging suspicion that you're just not up to task and that everyone else is spinning gaily away from you. After that comes the more physical manifestations, where some sleep more and others sleep much less, where some eat more and others eat much less. Sooner or later, you reach this stage where, with the closest of your friends, the bestest of your friends, you don't know what to say anymore. No problems with those who are just 'friends' because you're able to smoke and fluff through with random nuggets of information, surface acting and pasisng information along. But with those who know you well? You can't hide and you don't know what to say, so you go along and play along with the mood, all the while feeling like you should be doing something else somewhere else... Or that something is just wrong.

Voice of experience as you can tell. Its been so long that I've been stuck in this rut that after a while it becomes modus operandi. As if you'll never be able to truly smile from the bottom of your heart because you closed off parts of your heart to stop the flooding from wrecking your daily life. (Disconcerting submarine analogy I know.) As if you'll never know what you truly want, because all the surface acting has robbed of you of your ability to be true to yourself. As if you'll never be able to love anyone, because you can't even love yourself, much less another entity. You may say that I'm exaggerating, but how would you know that I am? How do you know what lies under my laughter, smiles, lame jokes and dramatics? No matter what, I am made of flesh and blood and tears.

Okay, this is not a particularly inspiring post. I don't think despair is something that I would like to share. Misery loves company, but not to make others more miserable, oh no, but that miserable people love the company of others. I think there is a need to communicate what you want? Even if its superficial and surface, its better than denying this base need. Because how many layer of masks do you want to wear? One? Two? Three? Or even more to the extent that you can't count anymore? Its tiring, unbearably so. Just tell others what you need and what you want, because in our nice and conservative Asian society, sometimes what you want is actually what you need. I try not to tell myself 'It's okay.', because it rarely ever is. You clamp down on your internal uprising and put on your best 'okay' face at what expense? At the expense of your own happiness. At the expense of your ability to express yourself. At the expense of opprtunities lost and forever gone. At the expense of your own peace of mind. I think its almost never 'okay'. We all have our preference, i'll jsut say mine, while you say yours and I'm sure we'll reach a consensus somewhere.

Okie, this turned out to be pretty lecture-ish. But I suppose it is a pretty accurate representation of how I feel inside. You might not feel the same way as me, which is DUH, because we're different people. But the key thing is that we are all still people? That we have hopes and fears, we have dreams and nightmares, we have desires and all the itty bitty things we want far far away from us. We're all human. All people. And I think this is probably the most important factor. I may not be friends with everyone, but I respect them as human beings. Its the very least I can do.

"And sometimes, tears alone won't be enough, because blood has to be shed for a new day's dawn."