Transition

Playlist

Some People by Kurt Hummel (Chris Coulfer) from Glee

I am superbly annoyed with so many people. If I was to list everyone here, it will look something like a list of people to assasinate. If killing people was not a crime, I'd do it. Make life easier for everyone in the whole wide world. Ok, maybe it is just me who wants to kill three hundred people. Maybe. I'm honest. Who knows, there might be three hundred other people who want to kill the people on my bucket list. Whatever. Annoy me more and I'll be mean. I don't like burning bridges, but I'd do it if I have to.

I like Glee. They sing nice songs and make me happy. They have cute characters. They have decent character development. Of course, I feel that Season 1 is way better than Season 2. But I still like how Tina and Santana and Brittany and Kurt have their romp in the sun? Rachel and Finn is a bit too much. Overkill and getting boring with their silly love pentagon with Quinn. And the transformation of Sue is annoying. Its like trying to de-stereotype someone you set up as a stereotype to explore the complexities of the various relationships. Ridiculous. And bring terri back is just plain dumb. She doesn't do anything to the plot! And I am terribly depressed that I only have one more episode to the end of Season 2. And that I have to wait to August to get Season 3. The good news is Blaine and Sam are now permanent. Cannot wait! Meanwhile I think I will check out Vampire Diaries and Lie to Me. I know none of them are going to be as epic as Glee but I guess I need to get myself exposed to more stuff. If I get bored I will probably rewatch Glee. Totally worth it.

Right now, I am about 10 days away from going to Osaka. Yes, I have just realised it. I have yet to decide on what to bring. I have yet to change money. I have yet to brush up on my Japanese. I have yet to meet up with all my friends in Singapore. I have yet to plan the stuff I want to do in Osaka. I have yet to write my Japanese self-introduction. I am so screwed. Someone punch me out of my Glee craze and make me start mugging Japanese. Else I will go there and get a huge culture shock. And just gesture at anything and everything in the hopes that someone will understand. Or just resort to English or Mandarin. I am so scared. Can you see my despearation? Its seeping through my language. All the short phrases and sentences. I ramble when I am confident in written text.

So many things that are not working out in my life. Grades are not that great. I feel disillusioned by the things I am learning. CCA is kinda starting to suck as people get depressed and are no longer as motivated. In general I feel a bit lonely and it really does not help that my friends are everywhere and busy with their own lives. I guess I'm just down and kinda on my way out. Not that I am proud of this, but if there is one thing I have come to realise, it is that acknowledging the situation makes things easier for myself. Face up to my fears and understand that I am not perfect. Yes my grades are lousy. Yes my path ahead is nearly all thorns and no fluffy clouds. Yes I have no real idea of what I want to do and how I am even supposed to get anywhere. Yes just slap me upside down with my track shoes.

There are so many things that are going wrong, but I want to take this short paragraph to be appreciative of everything that went well. Like how I'm actually going to Osaka. Like how Taiwan was rather enjoyable. Like how trainings are killer tough and my body seems to be bouncing back into shape. Like how my brother seems to be feeling slightly happier recently. Like how the weather is improving in Singapore, from bloddy hot to warm and wet. So many more things could go wrong, so I need to be happy. So what if things are bad? Its okay. I can deal with it. Things have been worse. I'll do my best and hopefully, be able to laugh at everything I went through someday.

"Here we go againn.../ I kinda wanna be more than friends.../ So take it easy on me... /I"m afraid you're never satisfied..."

Laundry

Playlist

Somewhere Only We Know by Warblers

I am absolutely in love with Glee. For someone who usually does not have the patience to watch American television programmes, Glee has been surprisingly addictive. I kinda like virtually every character in Glee? Although I am very partial to Kurt, Blaine (like who wouldn't love Klaine?!), Santana, Brittany (again superbly hilarious together) and Sue. All are amazing actors/performers and I think Glee is probably one of the best things to ever happen to television. I am addicted to the songs and I love the performances. Snarky lines are fantastic as well. Its a really empowering show, and I think it deals with issues of today's world very well. I would recommend everyone to watch the show. Don't just watch the performances! There is some really good story-telling, especially in Season One. Like nothing you have ever seen.

Now that I have got the shameless advert out of the way, I need to declare that I AM BACK IN SINGAPORE! Woohoo! Was in the States, New York, and in Canada, Montreal for about 3 weeks before I went to Taipei. I know I am supposed to tell stories about what happened in New York and Montreal but I must admit I was busy (trying to cram a decent reflective essay in 2 days while constantly distracted by Glee and YGE is NOT a good way to do work), and a wee bit lazy. I should get around to doing it sometime in the next three days. If you don't see anything in 3 days, you can expect that I will never type out the entire long drawn retarded story. I would probably list down all the cool/ interesting things that I managed to do in my limited budget and time, but yeah. I need to be in the mood to type an extensive post. And moods, well you know how moods are. They come and they go.

Bought quite a lot of clothes, and was doing laundry. Strangly enough I felt that the clothes from the USA were cheaper than that of Taipei? I have no idea how it came to be so but it is the truth. Quality is better and the price is comparable, if not cheaper. No wonder Americans love shopping. I could too. Anyway, not to sound like a middle-aged housewife but I kinda like to do laundry? As in when I feel in the laundry mood (yes, that word again), I can clear piles of clothes in one washing. It helps when the sun is out so that my clothes dry faster and I can wash more stuff. I am dead serious when I say this. Its hard to get me to wash new clothes usually, and I am very inclined to just toss everything into the washer when I should be hand-washing but... Yeah. When I start washing, its a huge load. Something like 30 pieces at least. Madness but I think it might be hereditary or contagious so I am not completely to blame. HAHA.

Heading to Osaka in early June. Yes I might have been bitten by the travelling bug. Plane flights are not the most pleasant thing, especially when you are doing long haul flights with crazy people or crying infants near you, but I like to get to places. Customs are another nightmare, and I cannot fanthom how people without visa-free nationalities get anywhere. I already feel that it is a pain, what more those who need another ton of paperwork just to get anywhere. A necessary evil to board a plane at 1am in the morning, but hey, its Singapore Air (always fantastic when compared to other airlines, I assure you) and its virtually all expenses paid so why not? Japan. Kansai. Osaka. I am in total disbelief as I type this. You know me, I can keep calm in the weirdest situations BECAUSE I am in disbelief. As if my brain is capable of separating reality form THAT WHICH NEEDS TO BE DONE. The more hysterical I behave, the less hysterical I feel inside. The less I show, the more I feel inside. It is a really strange paradox and I have no idea why I behave in such a manner. Maybe from some stupid past trauma blah blah blah. I have just come to terms with the fact that I might actually be noisier than Hell itself so I am unprepared for more self-discovery. One thing at a time yo~

I can feel myself derailing as I struggle to finish this post in order to go for lunch. So I think I shall conclude here by reiterating the fact that Klaine is superbly adorable and everyone should go watch Glee. 

Oh. And I need to say one more thing!

I am not a child. I freaking hell virtually arranged trips to Hong Kong, Taipei and helped with a gazillion other travel plans. Furthermore, the attitude that you showed me was horrible. You are making a request of me, and that is NOT the tone to use. Unfortunately for me, money does not descend from the sky. Else I would not be hunting high and low for free ways to go to Japan. And in case you have forgotten, I happen to be a full time student. I need to know my schedule before I can make a decision. AND YOU DO NOT FUCKING SPRING THINGS LIKE THIS AND DEMAND AN ANSWER IN TWO DAYS. TWO DAYS. HELLO. INCONSIDERATE MUCH? Leave me out of the discussion and SUDDENLY I HAVE TO TAKE ACTION NOW? The last time I checked, I don't owe you ANYTHING. You did not tell me anything about your plans. You did not ask me for my opinion. I had no idea what was going on and now you make it sound as if it is my fault that I am not giving you an answer immediately? Hello, I CAN WALK THERE IF I MADE UP MY MIND TO DO SO. Do not use that stupid condescending tone on me. One little thing like this and it tires you out? Don't make things to be larger than they really are. I am not amused. I was nice and polite because you are a friend. For now. You might go into the acquaintance category soon if you keep up with such ridiculous behaviour. I have no patience with fools. My life is already filled with them, and I do not need to add to the collection. I am really disappointed in you. And in case you think this is bad? You should see my original reply. And you should have seen the reply SHE wanted to give you. We're not impressed honey, we're really not.

"I walked across an empty land,/ I knew the pathway like the back of my hand..."

Explore

Playlist

Open Up Your Mind by Mirai

Currently in New York! Last day here after spending a week here chilling around, getting fat from awesome muffins and visiting companies. It has been a number of days so I shall just give a brief recap. Exams ended on 19th April in the morning. Rushed to do my ID and clear some administrative maters such as changing foreign currency and meeting up with old friends. Had a good time walking around with JX, which was followed by a karaoke session with some people in Flare. Mainly a mess of packing and worrying about all the little things such as my court shoes and attire. I must admit that I was superbly excited about the trip and really lookig forward to it. The days passed by in a blur, and on 21st April, I woke up wondering what I would have to pay for being able to go to New York on such a fantastic programme. And boy is the price high...

Parents took half a day off to have breakfast with me and send me to the airport, something which I really appreciate. Had a nice breakfast with loads of kaya, yes I adore kaya, and just took it slow. They drove me to the airport, and met Kaen and SD there! Thank you guys for showing up! I love you! And I miss you loads... How will I survive another two weeks without seeing you guys? Sigh, too reliant on you guys. Queued to check in, went in, took some more kaya bread, boarded the airplane and I was on my way to Taiwan's Tayuan to transit. A short 4hour flight and I managed to get about an hour of sleep. By Eva Air and it was pretty decent? The flight stewardess was really pretty, and they had this really annoying high pitched and fake-girly voice? Nice service in the very typical Taiwanese girl style though I must admit? So I arrived in Taiwan feeling really energetic and happy... And then there was the second leg of the flight to Newark.

Oh my goodness it was awful. Cold, unable to fall asleep due to this annoying Taiwanese woman who kept the light on to write random stuff and the space was too cramped for me to have sufficient leg room. Did I mention that there was an irritating Taiwanese woman on the flight who kept the light on throughout the flight? I happen to be very sensitive to light so I could not sleep at all. Wanted to slap her. With my shoe. Or something else hard and hopefully made of metal. Like a hammer. So I clocked about 2hours of sleep on a 14hour flight. Crazy torturous expereince that I never want to replicate again. Anyway we arrived in Newark at about 9pm, my prof had some drama with customs in Newark, which is a joke as he was based in USA for about 10 years? In the end we made it through, took a chartered shuttle to the hostel and unpacked, went for some supper nextdoor at the deli, and went to bed. And that is Day1.

Had a really good sleep as I was superbly tired (hello 4hours of sleep ONLY?) and woke up when the sun was nice and up at 730am. To think positively, the lack of sleep made me non jetlagged? Because I was so exhausted from the lack of sleep? Hopefully the flight to taiwan won't be as painful and I won't have too bad a case of jetlag. I really want to go around in Taiwan. Anyway I will not go into the nitty gritty details of what I did as there are really too many things to type? Just that in the first free and easy 3 days, we went to Stanten Island, took photos at the Brooklyn Bridge, explored Times Square (as my hostel is just off Times Square), went to the Metroplitian Museum, Coney Island... Its about there? If you want details, go ahead and ask me, I will tell you everything and all the drama that surfaced. A lot of things, tried a lot of food and just had a good time seeing the different things in the city. New York is a place that is rather different from Singapore? Like obviously? HAHA. Took the subway everywhere, which is a pretty fun? You get to see the 'normal' people in New York, you get to learn a different system, you get to be 'one' of the crowd. There were a lot of buskers in the Subway and I assure you its totally different from home. The buskers are super good and super talented. Not always my thing, but I can definitely appreciate talent when I see and hear it.

The first three days were a blur of acclimatising and exploring and wandering. Good, but there were things that had started to crop up, and many things would just degenerate over the next few days. Lull before the storm that isn't really a lull nor a storm, if you get what I mean?

Okies, I need to go to bed. Need to wake super early tomorrow and the freezing night weather is making me most uncomfortable. Goodnight!

"With you, things would be infinitely better."

Empty

Playlist

Love Song by Big Bang

This is my 300th post! Celebrations are in order! It took me about... 3 years? So I guess I post an average of 100posts per year, which brings us to about one post every 3 days. Quite a feeat if I say so myself? After all, there were periods where I disappeared for a while, too caught up with my suffering/fun to post. Or just too lazy to compose my thoughts and write a proper essay on how I feel. or just at a loss as to how to express what I am feeling and decided that I should not be childish and just rant. Regardless of what I have said or have not said over the years, I think being able to continue a blog is a kind of achievement on its own. Being honest to yourself and doing my utmost not to create nonsense to contribute to the growing presence of rubbish on the Interne... Hey, I think I get a paragraph of bragging rights?

The older I get and the more I reflect, the more conflicted I think I am. So many things that I say I believe in, but when push comes to shove, my behaviour is superbly erratic. I wish I could tell you that I am someone who practices what she preaches. Or even that I am a total hypocrite and that I cannot be trusted to do things right. The maddening things is that my behaviour alters according to the situation, so much so that while I am a hypocrite, I think there are quite a few who have witnessed the 'resilience' of my mind.

I'm not trying to lie to anyone intentionally, which probably only makes it worse. I'm the kind of person who had rather you cheat on me because you wanted me to pay more attention to you, rather than not cheat on me and just let the relationship die out. Ok, the previous sentence was really convoluted, but you get the idea. I think it is difficult to live for other people, so its hard for me to pretend to like other people or do things that I dislike? I can be polite about it, and I can smoke to cover my ass but... Sigh, I wonder why I am behaving like this...

Getting rather moody. I wish I could fall in love with someone other than myself. So scary how I feel so empty inside. I smile and decline people, saying the words that no apology will ever rectify. I find flaws in people because they refuse to accept the fact that I cannot love anyone. I always tell the other party: " I think it won't work out because I cannot bring myself to like anything from the bottom of my heart." And none of them have ever believed me. I had to tell them that I liked someone else. Or that I didn't like something about them. Why? The fact that you cannot believe and understand how I cannot like someone is reason enough to not continue. If you had told me and asked to continue as friends, there might have been a chance, because I fall in love with all my good friends but... SIGH. You will never read this and will never understand this.

I am getting sad just from typing this out. So many things you never manage to say in person. So many things that never come out the way you want them too. I think our lives are full of regrets and missed opportunities that make us want to knock our heads against the wall.

I shall go back to drooling at the dance moves that guys can do. Yes, I should be studying for my finals :(

"You said it wouldn't be so, but you lied..."

Musings

Playlist

Athena by TVXQ (or HoMin for those who refuse to acknowledge a 2 member band)

I think whoever said that people fight to survive only got half the equation right. Something like LHS does not agree with RHS if you remember whatever you learnt in Mathematics class from school. I think we fight to live as desperately as we fight to die. Yeah, it may sound really silly, but hear me out? I don't always post nonsense here HAHA.

I've seen how very destructive people are. So very SELF-destructive to be exact. It is as if we cannot help but want to die even as every cell within us fights to keep us respiring. We drive ourselves so hard, so cruelly, testing the very limits of our body and minds, as if a short and blazing legacy is the only thing worth living for. Of course there are those who have a long and blazing legacy, but how many of us can claim to be so gifted to be able to do something like that? Not many. Barely any in fact. Of the few billion of our kind who walk this earth with us and before us, how many people have a legacy that was remotely memorable? We can list them because the billions of us disappeared, and will disappear, the day we die, both literally and figuratively.

Must we all discover the next cure for AIDs? Must we all be the best ballet dancer in history? Must we all marry 15 other people and divorce 15 times? Must we all invent something or do something or revolutionise something? Can't I just be another face in the crowd and smile as I watch the clouds move across the sky? I cannot understand why our worth is determined by what we accomplish. What about my potential? What about my character? What about the little joys I bring to the people around me? What about my ability to keep alive in spite of the pollution and disasters? Its a fight to be born, its a fight to stay alive, and now I have to fight to make sure I die in a way that can be remembered? How sad.

I used to be very driven. Wanted to get straight As in school, wanted to be in the best jobs, wanted to prove my worth. And one day, I realised, I was doing all these so desperately because I was insecure. Scared that people would hate me if I was not exemplary. Scared that I would be hurt if I was unable to deliver. Scared that I would have no reason to exist if I could not live up to expectations. And then I realised, who do I want recognition from? My parents? My family? My friends? My school? Society in general? What was I so desperately looking for? What was missing in my life that I needed to throw caution to the wind and fight every burning breathe and throbbing step of the way. And it hit me. The only person I wanted to say they loved me was myself.

Indeed, I want my parents to say they love me. I want my friends to like me, and I want school to recognise me for my efforts. But the thing I really want is to be able to wake up and go to sleep happy. Happy that I am here, happy that its another day alive in this beautiful world. Its not about the best grades or the best relationships. All these are supplementary and work towards giving you a better sense of self-worth. You could live without all these if you had a fabulous sense of self-worth. You'd be happy regardless, others may call you an idiot, but who can hurt a happy idiot? You'd be able to find happiness wherever and however, and that, I think is a kind of accomplishment on its own.

I'm not telling you to be lazy simply because lazy people can never find happiness. You're too lazy to make the extra effort to be exceptionally happy. I'm asking you to learn to love yourself. So what if you can't get straight As? So what if your family is in a mess? The very fact that you're here on this earth is half the battle won. We'll all die in the end, why not make your stay on this planet more enjoyable? Why hurt yourself trying to be someone or something you are not? Why make yourself upset by forcing things that aren't meant to be? I'd slap you if you could do it and were to lazy to achieve it. I'd punch you if you gave up easily on something that could have been yours. I'd kill you if you said I'm encouraging people to roll around on their beds all day and proclaim they were born to lay in bed all day. This is not what I'm saying. I'm stick by my belief that you have to fight for what you want, but on top of that, love yourself. Love yourself for everything you can and cannot do. Love yourself for all the wonderful things you can do, and stop drilling yourself deeper into holes. Love who you are, because if you don't, no one else could really love you.

"Uphill battle for that downhill pleasure."

Insignificant

Playlist

Stupid Liar by Big Bang

I love the fact that Big Bang is back form their 2.3 year hiatus. Not that I have loved them from 2 years ago, but it means that I have more stuff to add to my music library. It was getting a wee bit old in there.

It is now Study Week, and I have been trying to study for the past week, but you know me. I need a decent level of stress to be able to function properly. And the fact that the real hardcore papers are the last 2 days of the entire exam period is not helping to boost my studying morale. I'm in this happy holiday state which is, honestly, worrying the rationale part of me. Not that I have not been doing ANY work, I am too rational for that, but I have not been working sufficiently hard. And I'm disappointed with myself.

I know I really should be more hardworking and I know my grades need the extra effort, but I am in no mood to slog like a cow. Or a horse. And I think my final grade is going to reflect this lack of commitment. I shall start mourning for my grades now. Wait, I should be studying rather than mourning OMG. I've got the order totally wrong.... So many things that could have been put aside, and was not. So many things that should have been done and was left alone. So many things that have been hurled into the room of regret, and I think I might need another such room again. Too many things that make me sigh when I look back.

Has been a long time since I blogged, to the extent that I wonder what I should say. Passing emotions were expressed at Tumblr. Random thoughts that float through my head were dumped on Twitter. I think the onslaught of social media has made it such that thoughts lose their value. How much value can each tweet have? Its reads like random spewings of a semi-crazed person, what with rants and random comments here and there. Conversations with others pepper your tweets, and the general feeling is a never ending MSN conversation. Tumblr is better, but it allows you to be lazy. You can post photos and videos and they even have a template for conversations. So very easy to make yourself heard. So easy to express yourself. So easy to lose yourself.

I think thoughts are important because it needs to go through the workings of your brain. You need to observe and infer and come to a conclusion before expressing your opinion. This task becomes even more difficult once you include the dimension of conveying it succintly. On Twitter, I would just mouth whatever I observe. On Tumblr, I just dump the raw data and allow you to come to your own conclusions. I can be as lazy as I want without 'damaging' the experience. But what does it do for me? Nothing. Who listens? No one. Who cares to begin with? So much raw data. Good for sharing but who do I share this with? I might as well just put the links up there for the whole world to access in their free time. Good riddance to personal opinion and takeaways from the experience.

So what happens to experience? I know experience is over-rated, but it isn't over-rated to THIS extent. There is value in falling and tripping and rolling up your sleeves to get your hands dirty. There is value in composing an entire blog post from start to end with decent reasoning and logical assumptions. It is not easy. It can be tiring. It is definitely time consuming, but when I look back at my blog posts, I can't help but smile at the memories. So many things that I was worried about, so many flavours depending on the situation and my mood. The things I love and loved, so many people I met, so many worries... It makes me feel glad that time has passed and I've grown and learnt from these things that I have chronicled. It is not the same for Tumblr. I look back at my posts and sometimes wonder what I was trying to tell people. Was I in a bad mood and being angsty? Or was I just trying to be cool and tough and dug out something 'emo'? I wonder too much for me to be happy with what I'm posting. Which is why even though I may have disappeared from here for a while, I always come back. The perfect relationship, not forced to stay, allowed to roam, and always welcome when I return. Now I just need to find a guy who is like this. I'd love him forever.

You may think I think too much. You may think I am unnecessarily conplicating things by looking at it at from the weirdest angle possible. Its ok, I somethimes think the same of myself as well. Th thing is, this place is meant for me to talk to my future self. Sure, to communicate my thoughts to my friends as well, but... The audience isn't exactly you. It is kinda myself. I want to see what happened to the adrenaline-loving, solo dance-loving, tako mouth girl. I want to remember how the years have been cruel. I want to remember all the beautiful emotions that I experienced. I want to fall in love with myself every time I read my blog. Myself for being flawed and imperfect and so very perfect. Call it self-love. Call it pride and arrogance. I believe in loving myself because no one will ever understand, and at the same time, not understand me as much as myself.

"Am I that easy to love? Am I that easy to leave?

One

Playlist

One by D=Out

New single by D=Out after they went mainstream. The music has changed a little, but I think it is still decent listening. The PV was nice and funny, and the guys had a lot of fun in the filming so I guess they are still essentially the same band. As you can tell, I'm a fan of the band and more importantly, the music, so I can't be bothered if they do go mainstream or stay indie as long as they are still able to produce fabulous music. Some may say that the bands have betrayed their roots or whatever, but I subscribe to the believe that as fans, my role is to support the band as far as I can. If D=Out went pop I'd probably roll over and die and never listen to another song again but otherwise? I'm not particular at all.

This is the last week of formal classes in school. Time seriously flies, even when you're not having fun. I guess this semester has been like every other semester in this glass cage in the middle of town? Tiring, full of drama, alot of work, falling ill, presentations and more of the usual things that transpire in the everyday life of an active female university student. Gone to more classes than I care to count, did less work than I imagined, smoked and fluffed my way through my everyday, and met one guy that I'd really like to be in a relationship with.

Yeah, got you there didn't I? I've never ever talked about any flesh and blood, non-family non-idol male that i'd liek to have a romantic relationship with have I? Always been happy to just float around and do my own thing... Been contented and avoiding the jarring lack of male relationships. As in, yeah, I have guy friends and guy groupmates and classmates and all that jazz, but I've never ever wanted someone? I guess because I'm a lazy and selfish girl who just ignored everything. Turned people down, and always picked at faults but inside, I knew that if I tried, I think something could have worked out. Just that I didn't want it to work out as I'm too lazy to get out of my comfort zone and be nice to people I'm not familiar with for a change. Even with him, I was wishing he was attached so that I could just tell him I liked him and get rejected immediately. I just wanted to move on. But voila! Not attached. So what shall I do with these feelings?

I've given a lot of relationship advice from my common sense, and if I was to advise myself, I think I would have yelled at myself. HAHA. Went to text him and point blank asked if he was attached. Covered it up with professional reasons, but really, I wished I could have asked him for a one week trial. I don't know if it would work out, which is a first time for me (the not knowing the end result part!), so I want to see if its an exercise in futility or something possible. So many reasons NOT to ask, but the thing is, I hate the feeling of being in limbo. I'm not the kind of person to have a secret crush, because my crushes can never be secret. I don't like misunderstandings between people, so I tend to overcommunicate when I'm in a relationship to try reduce the miscommunications which are bound to occur. Its been alright so far, but I think some peopel would feel that I overshare. So what? I know I'm weird. Shoot me for being unable to be dull and boring and quiet.

Going to the hair salon on Friday. Like FINALLY after about a year. I know I should really take better care of my appearance, but I must admit that it is too time consuming to worry about it. And after I discovered make-up and dressing to take the focus away from my 'flaws', I've realised that I can get away with a lot of nonsense. Nonsense like eyebags, bad skin and messy hair. As long as it looked like it was done on purpose, the hair not the eyebags!, people wouldn't find it weird. Which is weird but never mind, I'm just glad I get to be lazy. Anyway, I have no idea what kind of hairstyle to get on Friday. Probably will just tell the guy not to cut my hair too short, and not to layer too much but yeah. Unless I see something awesome in a magazine, or if I were to have a brainwave from now to then... Thats about it. Hair can grow back which little difficulty, although being laughed at by my peers isn't a particularly stimulating nor positive experience.

Presentation in about 30minutes. Should I text him before I go in?

"All I want is the things I want."

Dog

Playlist

dog run by SID

From their new album deadstock that was released a while back. I feel guilty because I have only been listening to Big Bang's new mini-album, totally ignoring SID. Oh well, I did get around to listening to everything on deadstock, so I feel betetr now. Long commutes are awesome for listening to music. Which reminds me that I need to come up with a way to survive the flight to New York. I think my Tofu cannot withstand so many hours of continuous music playing. I will probably sleep a large part of the flight, but I need music to sleep when I travel. Unless I am dog tired. Like now? If I wanted to I could conk out on the table right about now. I have been functioning on about 4 hours of sleep recently. Not a good idea for my general mental well-being. No wonder I fell ill.

I have been doing things that I am not proud of. I guess it is because I am desperate. Trying to hold on. Trying to come on top. Trying to stay alive. I am someone who is driven. If I want something very badly, I will stop at nothing to get it. Its like how I did my CAT assignment. Was failing throughout, and suddenly I realised that I needed to do well to pass. And miraculously, I managed to solve the VBA question. Miracles do happen. But there have been bad stuff too. Like losing Nationals by 2 points. Like getting embroiled in the whole "not committed to CAT project group" fiasco. I know some people will say that I am being totally bimbotic by rambling on about my own problems when Japan is in a mess, Libya is in a mess and the economy is still crawling on its hands and feet. But my stance is simple, this is my life. If I was Japan I would blog about how I am suffering in the aftermath. But I'm so far away. And the here always feels a hundred times more painful when compared to the distant suffereing of strangers you have no knowledge of. And every moment I live is like breathing toxic fumes which hurt.

Everywhere hurts. Not physically, I heal fast so I'm totally fine from the 3 day hiatus from training. No, its my emotional and psychological state that is taking a beating. I think I was really stupid to want to let you go, but since I decided, the stubborn cow part of me refuses to allow me to go back on what I have concluded. Its simple. I think, no, I know, you will do much better without me. We aren't meant for each other. Maybe in our next lives we could be together under less conflicted terms. I think we missed our chance in this life, and there is no way to go back, so let's move forward. If I keep looking back, I will just fall apart and crumble. I'm just pulling myself with sheer willpower and determination.

I think sometimes I think too much. I am too convinced of my own righteousness. I am a selfish and immature prig, but I refuse to accept this when people put it in front of me. You can say I am proud, you can make fun of me and all and I'd be able to laugh it all. But if you were to say that I was wrong... I think unless I really respect you, its an uphill battle to even get me to listen. I know this, I know I need to change. Its difficult though. So hard to believe what other people say, so hard to think that what they say is important. I'm too used to prattling to fill in the blanks. Too used to thinking I am right.

I need to find something to suck away all my free time. Every single minute of it. So much so that I cannot think of anything extra, I cannot doubt people. I need to drown myself in my everyday. I need to do things to prove to myself that I am not useless and that I can be fabulous too. I am insecure. I need someone to tell em that I am good. I need people to love me before I can love myself. I need affection and attention. I am superbly emotionally high maintenance. I think you can't deal with this. I know I cannot, so I don't blame you. But if both of us cannot keep us together, then let us part since I am the one pulling you down.

"Wishes and dreams under a sky of blood tears."

Help

Playlist

No LDK by SID

New album! It has been nearly forever since there was a new SID song that sounds like this. As usual, I love SID for Mao's awesome vocals and the really clear and sweet music. Yeah, you would wonder how rock music can be sweet, but SID is something like a combination fo rock and jazz? Perhaps it is Mao's voice that gives their songs this quality. The main attarction of SID is how their songs seem to have a certain direction. This clarity of musical direction and their own strengths and talents makes their songs very attractive. Each song has a distinct flavour that comes from the same series. So its like a whole range of flavours, but they are all chocolate-ish. Somthing along those lines. I think I am not giving SID enough credit, so you should just listen to their album. Unlikely that you would like every single song, but there are definitely a few that will appeal.

Kinda stressed out right now. So many things to do within the next one month. Nationals. CAT project. CAT Assignment 3. BSM presentation. Marketing test. Marketing project. Finance project. Finance test. Immersion programme application. Waseda application. Plan for NY extension. Plan for Taiwan extension. LOOK FOR AN INTERNSHIP. Yeah. If anyone knows of any place that needs a Marketing/Corporate Communications intern, please let me know? I am pretty desperate right about now. I know I started late, but I just realised that I have to clear my internship now. Or I will not be able to graduate in time. Which is a total pain. Unless I somehow manage to grab an internship in Japan, which is superbly unlikely. So yes. If anyone has any connections and you know I should be able to do a pretty decent job (I'm not blowing my trumpet but I am a pretty conscientious worker), please please PLEASE tell me? I've yet to let anyone who recommended me for a job regret their decision HAHA. Unless it is some super technical Finance or Accounting post, I should be able to do a decent job, so please, just help me? THANK YOU I LOVE YOU.

As you can tell, my life is in shambles right about now. My days consist of trudging to school after I crawl my way out of bed and zombie-ing my way through my classes, before I stone in meetings and somehow try to contribute to the general discussion, and then I stumble my way home to do my homework/research and anything else that needs to be done. If there is training, I try to keep my team motivated by saying encouraging things. My days go by in a whirl of research, writing papers, doing homework, training, quiet moments with my iPod on public transport intersped with conflicts, resolutions and random bouts of rest time. Some people ask why I do so many things to myself. My answer? They happened when I was not looking. I'm serious. I never expected the immersion programme, it leaped into my lap while I was printing notes for the first CAT Assignment, which, by the way, was horrible. BSM happened when I was in CAT class one Tuesday morning. And I never thought I would have to get an internship NOW. And I was not expecting to go to Taiwan immediately after NY. My peers tell me I should have expected it. nevertheless, this is said with the benefit of hindsight. Think about it. Normal people don't think fly to NY for 3 weeks, then go to Taiwan for a week, return home for a month before flying to Japan for 2 months, return home for another month and THEN fly to Japan AGAIN for a YEAR. And yet, this is likely to be what I am going to be doing if I do get into all the programmes I am applying for. In this case, I will probably have to somehow make an internship in Japan miraculously appear out of thin air. Otherwise I can say bye-bye to graduating on time. Believe me, I really want to get out of my university. i know people say that the working world is worse than school, but honestly? I think money makes a difference, thank you very much.

Superbly exhausted now. I think I should be going to bed soon. It has been a super long day that was spent doing work. Recess week is an utter lie. I was in school for more hours this week than during my normal school week. Such a sad life that we students have. School is terrible and home is too. So many stinky expectations. I am unsure why this is happening, but it is: My parents think that university is a cakewalk. Honestly, I wish it was. I wish the classes were a fluke and no one was serious about anything and that everyone would pass everything. I really wish it was like this. But no. Reality is, sorry to be cliched, super harsh. My grades matter because I want to be able to get a good job. I am, most unfortunately, not the most creative and entrepeunerial person ever to have been born on the face of this earth. I can probably write witty articles, among other nonsensical and utterly useless skills that I think are a huge joke, but I think being excellent at convincing people to hire is not in this said list of dubious skill set. Unless I suddenly chance upon this awesomely rich and fabulous guy who for some strange and obscure reason is totally in love with me and is willing to sponsor my career as a rich tai-tai... Yeah. Life is tough, and it gets tougher.

In case the main point was buried under all the ridiculous things I typed, which it most definitely is, I am not out there having fun. I don't club. I don't shop. I don't do high teas. I don't sit in salons for hours to do my hair and nails. I do really boring things like study in the school library. Like struggling to solve questions in my homework assignment. Nothing exciting nor sexy nor luxurious. I am a commoner, and I will probably live like one unless some minor miracle happens and alters the status quo. Which is why I cannot comprehend why my parents are angry that I am not home. They should be worried if I am home and am so free to repack my cupboard. Because honestly, typing this is probably the only other 'wasteful' thing that I have done this week. I need space to breathe and I am not getting any. Instead, I get chewed on for not staying at home lounging decoratively on the sofa. Hey dad, thanks for making me feel so happy that I have such awfully lengthy back to back meetings. I really don't like chilling at home and reading a book while sipping coffee. RIGHT.

Indeed, I am annoyed.

I need sleep. Nights world. This girl needs an internship~ Please be nice and kind and help~

"We can only believe what we can fanthom."

Veil

Playlist

Defying Gravity by Glee Cast

Its mid February! Been a pretty packed month, and yes, I will immediately do my work after this post. No more surfing around on the Internet. I'm already sick and learning ability is impaired so I can't keep deviating unless I want to FAIL Finance mid-terms. Which I do not. So yes.

Time seems to go by really fast? And really slowly at the same time. It is as if the time before suffering is so long drawn and painful, but the moment your suffering ends? The holidays go by too fast for you to notice the hours that you have whiled away. And the time that has passed just seems so... far away. I remember days that seems like a foggy haze of happiness and laughter, and days that are blanketed with smoke to keep me away from the fires of turmoil. I've said this before and I'll say it again, no matter how happy or sad you are, one day it will all be a memory. Even if its the happiest day of your life, or maybe the worst, slowly and surely, the details will first escape you, and soon, all that is left are just moments imprinted. Even so, all too often, we forget all these moments, and our past becomes a blank. A blur. Murky depths where the leviathan lurks.

People often say that I am far too expressive for my own good. Whenever I hear this, the inner me goes crazy laughing. Those who know me well should know how much I always have things that are important and never said. I go around telling people to unabashedly express themselves, because this is something that I've not been able to do for a long time now. I've been wanting to say everything inside, but the stakes are too high. I know, high risk high returns, but this isn't a business venture, where all you lose is material possessions and money. This is a situation where parts of your life is at stake. Relationships are at stake. I can be superbly open to the people who don't matter, because I don't give a damn about what the think or feel about me. They can think I'm selfish, arrogant, lesbian or whatever. It doesn't matter. But to the people I like, I do not wish to hurt you. If I do hurt you, I hurt myself, because the last thing I want, is for you to be hurt. 

I am not a masochist. Nor a sadist. I am so normal I wonder why people even bother with me. I don't think I am attractive, nor unattractive enough to attract attention. Someone once said that the most outstanding thing about me is my personality. I'm not sure if this is a compliment or an insult, so I shall leave it to you to decide. Maybe it is because I am so average that I am outstanding. How many people can claim to be totally average? And then I am sure that some people will feel that I am nowhere near average. Ho-hum.

I don't want to repeat myself again. I find myself sounding like some broken tape recorder or typewriter, spamming the same thing time after time, again and again. Its as if you cannot be bothered to remember. As if you cannot understand. And that is wearing me out. Hopefully this is the last time I say this, because if I have to say this again, I wonder how much nearer I am to the edge.

On a side note, thank you. Thank you for being insistent and stubborn and utterly silly. Thank you for making me smile. Thank you for remembering what I like, and making me go along with you. Thank you for letting me realise that happiness isn't about getting everything I want, it is about appreciating the things I have, and aspiring to do better. Not everything I want is important, but I think i can gladly say that everything I have is important to me. Thank you for the great memories. And next year, let's do something together...

"You need to know what you need and how to get it. Its all out there, waiting."

Eye

Playlist

Robot Boy by Linkin Park

If I could, I would wish that time would stop at this moment. Not that I am at a particularly happy period of my life. Nor is this time of the year especially joyous and all. I have been reduced to a sad creature who is thankful she can breathe well and sleep before midnight, that there are no immediate deadlines, and no meetings to attend. Yes, this is the lull before the storm known as midterms. I have four big exams next week, and I think I am likely to flunk a few of them. not that there are a lot to flunk. Not funny. I am quite stressed? But I am so tired from all the projects that were due earlier and my brain is screaming at me for a break. And I must admit that part of the reason why I am so useless now can be attributed to the Lunar New Year break. Too many days spent in the company of fluffy pillows, comfortable armchairs and in a general atmosphere of cheer and happiness. Brain is stuck in this mistaken belief that life is all about sweet treats and lolling around in bed. Reality is a bit too harsh to come crashing back to.

Cheer is going full steam ahead. Nationals is in about a month. More of five weeks if anyone is counting, which I certainly am? Not sure how well we will do this year, but I am doing my best not to think about this topic. Quite scared that we will screw up and I have no idea what to tell the school if things are not favourable. How do I break the news that we couldn't place? Everything will sound like an excuse if you have nothing to back it up. Do I tell the person in-charge that my CCA can probably be turned into a drame serial a million times better than those Taiwanese drama? There is betrayal, loss, lies, political struggles, insults, blood, sweat, tears, ulterior motives, love, smoking, drinking, wild parties, clubbing, performances, glitter, short skirts, bare midriffs, physical contact, jokes, dominance struggles, weight lifting and a hundred and one other things that just juice up my life. If I swear likea sailor, it is because of cheer. If I toss and turn and have sleepless nights, it is because of cheer. If I feel like the world will end tomorrow, it is also because of cheer. As you can clearly see, there is a trend that is quickly forming here.

Not that I am blaming cheer. I chose it, but sometimes, like now, I wish things were different. Love for the sport alone is barely enough to keep me going non-stop. I need people to show up, people to be committed, people to talk to me and tell me things and most importantly, I need people to give me the feeling that they trust me. I can do it if you leave it to me. I will do it. Let me prove it to you. I won't throw you away or think less of you for revealing problems. I value honesty and integrity and all that jazz, and no I am not just saying this for show. Not like you people will ever read this, but I feel like letting this out of my system. Necessary to keep sane.

"Warmth comes from living things. You can't get warmth from textbooks not electronics."

Shovel

Playlist

The Catalyst by Linkin Park

This is turning out to be a superbly awful day. It is only eleven in the morning and I am so incensed I might be able to cook eggs on my head. I feel like throwing a few things at some people. And I will make sure all the things I throw are going to be of a certain destructive capacity. Else there is no need to throw anything yes?

I did it! Didn't cry in front of her. I was going to, but I kept it in. Was tearing throughout the enitre journey home, but I didn't let anything out, so it was ok I guess? Sniffling yes, crying no. I think she would have felt even worse if I had bawled out loud so to keep my reputation and emotions stable, I just clammed everything up inside. I will probably need to cry at some point in time, but not now. Not now when there are demons to slay and exams to take. One day, when the going gets crazy, I'll let it all out. I refuse to think that she will never return. I refuse to think that I won't be able to hug her for at least a year. I refuse to think I won't hear another one of her lame jokes or disturbing comments. I refuse to acknowledge that we cannot have soup spoon together. I can't believe that the only time I'll see or hear her is through old photos and webcam. All the way in the Southern Hemisphere. You may think that I am over-reacting, but given how likely my timetable will change, if things go a certain way, I won't see her until next December? Of course this is if I get in. If I don't get in, I'll be upset that I cannot go, and glad that I have a chance to see her soon. Between a rock and a hard place.

I remember the first time we met. Long haired girl combing a friend's silver wig. I remember thinking she was pretty quiet and very pretty. And I remember how easy it was to talk to her. We didn't really talk much after that, although we saw each other on and off at various events. I remember thinking she was really nice and funny at the Noah shoot. And after that, would sometimes talk to her online. First time we had real interaction with each other was in 2009? One event was all it took to make me feel like I have known her forever. Prior to that event, all the costume rushing let me know that she was very very Scorpio-ish and utterly DISTURBING. We're very alike in many ways, and we have similar tastes. And more importantly, she is someone who can keep up with me and banter with me and laugh at herself. And I will really miss you. I know we will all miss you. And I think I am crying now.

Ok, I dislike wallowing in despair, so is hall choose to seeth in anger. Here goes~

I am furious. Yeah, leadership is a full time job. Unfortunately for you and everyone else, I hate working. And this stupid thing was forced upon me. You have stupid expectations of me, and too bad for everyone, I cannot live up to them. I cannot read minds. I cannot teleport. I have my own social life. And if you tell me things at the eleventh hour, how in the WORLD do you expect me to be able to respond to it? Unlike what you might think, my life does not revolve around the CCA. I do not check my phone every fifteen minutes throughout the entire 24hours that is in a day. I need to sleep, so I ususally put my phone on silent mode. And please, who in their right minds will expect me to wake up at a god awful hour to fly to the freaking airport to deliver stuff that I need to extract from school? Hello, it is a good one hour away. This is assuming all forms of transportation works in my favour. And to go to school I will need a good half hour. So it means I need 2 hours to get there. At that point in time, there was NO WAY I could have done it. I cannot stop time. So I didn't bother. And then you 2 hours later you tell me that the timing was pushed back by 2 hours. WOW. Last minute much? I am not rich enough to cab at peak hour. And I don't have a vehicle. Call it different priorities. Call it lack of dedication. Call it anything you will. If I asked you to do it, would you have been able to, given the same circumstances? Think about this before you look down on me. Think long and hard about what you have done, and what you would have done.

I think life is about choices, and I choose to do things that I will regret doing the most. I will regret not saying good-bye. I will regret not sleeping more. Your side can be easily rectified with a decent photo. You can say I am not commited enough, but this is the truth that I see. Deal with it.

"With great power comes a great need to shovel shit from others."

Understand

Playlist

Shock by Beast

Its amusing how my playlist often goes to a track that articulates how I feel in its title. Yes, I am in shock. I'll probably post everything tomorrow, so I should get the Chinese New Year thoughts out of my head to make space.

This year was four days of celebration, as the first two days were on Thursday and Friday, which gives everyone an extended holiday. Good for some, a nightmare for others I'm sure. So many things that you can do and can't do. Perfect for a trip, but for those who need to hand in assignments? Totally depressing to have to go back to school when you know virtually half of the country is in a holiday mood.

I guess this year was fine? I was able to spend more time with my family, and some more time with friends, so I shall not complain too much. Cheer trainings were totally butchered, and I think it will take at least a week to get everyone back into shape. With Nationals a mere four weeks away and us losing people left and right, I shall not think too much about competition. I know I need to register us. I know the governing body is after our heads because there are a lot of fomalising that needs to be done. And I know my workload is going to increase. Best part? Mid term exams are 2 weeks away. And I'm about to lose one of my closest friends. I hate my life sometimes.

In many ways, I am an idiot. I always tell people the right things to do, and they always tell me how I'm so mature and that my advice is always spot on. And somehow, my life is in shambles. So whenever I get such compliments, I smile politely, and inside I'm screaming "OMG ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS Oh why and HOW is it that I NEVER feel that MY OWN ADVICE is good? Oh yeah I CANT PREDICT STUFF FOR MYSELF What an UTTER IDIOT I am HAHA SOMEONE come and KILL me?". My internal monologue is something like this. I know, I know, dissonance is crazy, but this is the way I have been since I learnt that people don't usually mean it when they say they want the truth. Yeah, loads of people say they do, but they can't deal with it. I know you're probably thinking, at this point, "I can TOTALLY take the truth!". RIGHT. SURE. Like you can take it when I tell you how I'm always being fake nice to you and I think how your fashion sense is HORRIBLE and you're really very annoying because you keep trying to preach to me so you should just go jump down from some random building to help improve the human race by NEVER pro-creating? Yeah. I'm weird. And crazy. You can't deal with it, so don't ask for it. Unless you think you can get mowed by a truck and go about as per normal immediately after, truth is something best served in miligrams.

As I was saying, I need to sort my life out. I always wait for people, and I always hopelessly believe in people. I believe people will kepp their promises and their word. I believe people aren't trying to be a bitch or bastard or jerk and they have decent intentions. I believe I must have been dropped on my head when I was a child by the doctor because I am so utterly stupid. This stupidity is in-built. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I allow everyone I like so many chances I might make religious people think I'm trying very very hard to get into heaven. And for this, I get back-stabbed, abandoned, ignored and more. I don't like this feeling, so I react in selfish ways to try to minimise these occurences. After a while, I get tired, so I withdraw into my world of cheer and books and exams and I keep myself hidden, hoping no one notices that Io feel hurt and waiting for my stupidity setting to go back to default and I forgive people again. Yeah. How dumb can I get? Super dumb apparently.

I am very amused by my current social network. The reactions to the slightest things. Oh well. Maybe I am really at that age. Ho hum. Not that I care. Like I've mentioned so many times, all I need is the people I love to love me back. The rest, unfortuantely, do not matter.

"Don't pretend to understand me. You don't. Just accept me and move on. Your life will be much easier."

Limit

Playlist

What Can I Do by Seung Ri

It has been quite a while since I last blogged. Life in school has been so packed and exciting that it is totally boring. All I do, is to wake up and go to school. Attend classes, go for training, stumble my way home and crash. In whatever time I have between these activities, I try to read my notes and do my homework, to little success. I stay up late most nights, trying to make friends with the moon and the night wind. My laptop gives me problems whenever it thinks I need a break from typing and research, and I use the chance to head to the bathroom. My Google calendar is so packed Iooking at it makes me feel nauseous, and it seems likely that it will just get worse. And yes, I am dreadfully tired. Nothing I can think of is making me feel better, and every single time I think of all the things that need doing, I wonder why I bother to do everything. So many meetings and trainings and readings and projects and homework and assignments and reports and presentations that are due. I know I signed up for everything. I know I was the one who said I would do it. I know. But it does not lessen my suffering. And its made worse when my social life is in shambles.

I am a simple girl. All I want is for you to show you love me. You don't have to like me as much as I like you. I won't test the limits of your love. I just want someone to hug me after a hard day and tell me that after I sleep and wake up, I will conquer the world. I just want someone who gives me faith in myself. I want someone who knows that I am scared and insecure about about my ability. I need someone who will allow me space to blunder around, and knows when to give me a push or pull to help me out here and there. Nothing too complex. I will not ask for the moon, because I do not need it. I will not ask for the stars either. I only go after things that I need. And in this case, I have a great need for acceptance and recognition. Which might be why I do so many things; I need to feel that I can do it. Pushed to breaking point, I fight on because something in me would die if I did not do it. Something in me would die if I found out tomorrow that I am less than everyone else.

Maybe what I am asking is already too much. How many people will see past my smiles and diversions and hear what I truly have to say? How many people will see through my games and find the me who sits here watching everyone dance along? You can only cut as deep as you are willing to be cut, and because I'm great at numbing myself, after a while, I cannot feel anything, I can cut with no regard for my own well-being. Like all humans, I do get caught. But not for long because its all numb after a while. Hurt and bleeding and unable to feel it. The most dangerous thing ever, because you think you're fine and go on, unable to hear your screaming body. What fools we all are. What a fool I am. Living my life like its a game and losing doesn't hurt and won't have consequences. Where your life matters so little. I have no will to live. Just like this world that was created to end. Love is but a minor distraction in my quest for the end.

I think I might be depressed. Halfway throught the fourth week of school and I already feel like tearing all my hair out and throwing things again the wall. I do my best not to take it on out others, but I need an avenue to vent my feelings. Either that or I need to do something to remove all the excess energy. Otherwise I might end up doing things that I will regret. I'm the kind of girl who turns into a bitch when I'm in a bad mood. When I'm tired and stressed, some people cry. I get angry and morph into a bitch. Like this switch is flipped, and no more nice girl emerges. The kind who lures you in and chomps your head off. So sweet and innocent looking, until I open my mouth and the angsty and mean things tumble out. I should reduce the amount of dissonance. Just adding to the tiring things that I have to do on a daily basis to survive.

I am tired. Shall go to sleep soon. Perhaps some rest and Mathematics tomorrow will make me feel better. Rather unlikely, but I shall try it out. After all, I do need to finsh the calculations, and I will have some free time tomorrow. So many things that need to be done and all I am doing is to push it all away until the last possible minute. Not a good habit, bit somehow, it is becoming the norm in my daily existence. I should prepare beforehand. I know it really helps me to understand better, but it never transforms into action. Lazy girl who has too much inertia to initiate change. 

I should go to bed. Injuries need me to sleep for them to heal better. And I want to sleep. Staying awake for extended periods of time drives my brain into overdrive, and the likelihood that I will think too much and go bersek and finally throw myself off my balcony is rather high. Maybe this is just the sleep deprivation talking. And maybe it is the rot that I hide under layers of silk and chiffon and perfumed skirts. And I shall leave this thought here as I retire, because there are many things that have no answer too.

This was meant to be thoughful, but somehow? It turned into a compliant post and for that I apologise. Check back come April. I am sure I will be happier after the exams. HAHA.

"I am sorry."

Year

Playlist

Ivory and irony by DELUHI

Happy New Year! A new calender year... Wow. Depressing thought. I have to live through yet another year of my life. As if suffering twenty odd years was not enough. Ok, this is a bit to sombre, so I  shall just halt the topic. I shall just go ahead and attribute this to the fact that I had only 4 hours of sleep after staying awake for a full 24hours. Not in the best of moods now. Groggy due to a lack of sleep and a wee bit annoyed... I want to curl back in bed, and roll around with my bear and pillows while watching it rain on the outside. Which is obviously impossible in my household. My family is pretty crazy about doing the correct things at the right time. Breakfast is in the morning at around 8am. Lunch is at noon. Dinner is at 6pm. Bedtime is 11pm. Something like that. So when I do things that go past the prescribed timings... Yeah, things get a wee bit prickly and problems start cropping up left right and centre. Not a good idea. I shall just hold on for another few hours before surrendering to my bed. meanwhile, please forgive me if the sentence structure, grammar, spelling or syntax is weird. Functioning in spite of a severe lack of sleep does not bode well for the coherence of this post...

I think 2010 taught me a lot of things. I learnt that I can survive in a foreign country where I didn't understand a word of what is being said. I learnt that I can make friends on the go, and good friends at that. I learnt not to make too many plans, and to always expect the worst. I learnt to appreciate people more, and not take the things I have for granted. I learnt what it is like to fall in love and out of love, and to have to be the one to break the bad news. I learnt that if I tried, I could make a difference. And more importantly, I learnt that sometimes, no matter how hard you work, some things just don't belong to you.

Perhaps many of these lessons will be further enforced in 2011. Very possible, and I'm likely to suffer a lot and learn a lot more. Another year in SMU and Flare. More things to deal with, more people to work with. I have so many things that I fear, but all these need to be done. I do not have much of a choice in the matter, so I'll just fight my way through. I guess the worst thing that could happen would be failure. And the best... Perhaps I will really do well? I'm not sure, but I am none too optimistic about this year. There is this nagging suspicion that I have just spent the best years of my life. Wasted it all away, and no moment can be retrieved except in my memories. Oh dear. I feel worried for myself. I wonder if it is the lacking of sleep amplifying all my fears, or am I really this depressed?

Strange post for the start of a strange and unknown new year. I might be falling ill form the combination of my retainers and the lack of sleep. Killer pairing that might make it difficult from the start. And here I was thinking that I was finally breaking the chain of bad luck where I am always falling ill on the first day of every new calender year. And this is the year that I officially become an adult. Ah, I can feel the burden increasing. Expectations galore, and I am not getting any younger with each pasisng year. I might just be too old for the things that I am doing now...

"A new year is just another unit of measurement of time..."

End

Playlist

High High by G-Dragon and T.O.P.

The last day of the calender year. Not like it makes that big of a difference. School just starts in 4 days and I need to write 2011 instead of 2010. Life goes on without worrying about the changing days. Just a way for us humans to keep track of time. Because we suck without visual aids...

I feel weird. First and foremost I am not ill. Secondly, I feel that I am changing. I am not sure why, but I can feel it. The way I dress, the way I speak, the way I do things. Getting more vicious. Less truthful. There are times when I am sorely tempted to lie and not tell the truth. All for fun. And to try my luck. Because I am angry at something that I have yet to realise, and my subconcious is rebelling to make itself feel better. You see, I have a pretty good relationship with my subconscious. So when it gets mad at me and refuses to tell me why exactly it is beahiving in these peculiar ways, I am very much troubled. Not a good thing if I do things without control. My inner girl is not a very nice person. She is easily jealous, very possesive, likes trouble and has a very warped sense of humour. If you think I am weird and horrid, I feel my subconcious is someone you may not want to meet.
And somehow, she is creeping out. Maybe I have been a bit too stressed and the walls are coming down. Or perhaps there is truly a need for a badder me to exist in my current environment. I might have been a wee bit arrogant about my self control and been negligent? And maybe I am thinking too much and dramatising everything again. Maybe.

Some things never change though, and for that I am grateful. Thank you for the bits of normality in my life.

And so this year ends like this. Last post of the year...

"I'll always change, and always be the same..."

Desire

Playlist

JoJo by SHINee

I have no idea why, but every time I think of SHINee, I feel like a pedophile. Maybe because they look so young, but I feel like some weird old lady who likes younger guys. Not that I am that old. SHINee is talented.They can sing. And a few of them a pretty good dancers. But the age... BRR. The Korean music industry is seriously doing their best to exploit the youthful potential of their artistes. Not that its exactly morally reprensible or wrong per se. Maybe I feel threatened. Or I am just jealous. Regardless, I feel that as a fellow Asian, I wouldn't want to live in a country where the stars look so stellar that normal people seem like they are from another country altogether.

Merry Christmas! I'm not Christian, but I like public holidays, so I am grateful to anything that gives me a day off, discounts, excuses to party and slack and more. Rather uneventful holiday? Compared to some of the other holidays where I'm rushing work, projects, costumes or drowning while trying to entertain, this is a relatively carefree holiday. Yeah, Comics Fiesta was one hell of a nightmare fantasy, but thats a post for another site. My blog is a space for my more normal exploits, if I have any? HAHA. Anyway, everyone is winding down and using the changing calender year as an excuse to not work. So its rather quiet. The most exciting thing was probably at the beach. Went to cycle at ECP. So many people that I wonder if half the population of Singapore was there. Anyway, epic disaster when you have so many people. The bicycle track had so many kids that were cycling across lanes and even against the flow of traffic. Some crazy people were racing against each other and weaving in and out of traffic haphazardly. Pedetrains are the worst. I wanted to ignore some of them an just crash into them. Yeah, I'm evil. Deal with it. Its not my fault, because they were really annoying? Random pedestrains crossing as and when they like, assuming that bicycles will definitely stop for them. One family was even walking their stupid dog in the middle of the entire track, so both sides of traffic had to avoid them? Couples walking along the divider. And of course, there are pedestrains on boths sides of the track. I think the bicycle track was worse than my driving exam. People everywhere, doing unpredictable things. Sighs. One other cyclist crashed into me. her bike went down along with her, and my bike on top of hers. I'm fine. She fell off the bike, but there was no blood nor visible immediate brusiese. Nothing too serious. Come on, I'm a cheerleader, I know my injuries. So I picked my bike off her's and went to park it at the corner, before going back. She was still on the ground, with a face so filled with grief you would think the dentist just told her she needed to extract all her teeth with no aneasthesia. I couldn't help but smirk at her, hey, she crashed into me, I'm a safe cyclist, and I think I gave her my oh-you-fell-poor-you-why-don't-you-get-up-piggy look. She really looked pathetic. The poor-me-pity-me-im-weak-and-useless look? Too bad it doesn't make me feel guilty. Just makes me happy I walked away without a scratch and my ego fully intact. Yeah, you can start saying I'm a meanie~

Yeah. The above paragragh is evidence that I am not very nice. Somewhere out there I think there is a blogger complaining about the bitch they met at the beach, who made her crash/fall or whatever. I don't care. She doesn't have my name.

I told an acquaintance I cosplayed, and her reaction was shock. Could not believe this quiet and sweet young girl was into cosplay. (Yeah right) Probably thought that cosplay was all about cat maids and short skirts and what not. Couldn't be bothered to rectify her impression, I've seen too many people who assume and jump to conclusions. If I was to correct every single one of those flawed persepectives, I'd be an old lady and still not done. Oh well. I think of myself as a self-funded model? Something like leisure modelling? Where the photographers are your friends, and you do your own make-up. And you make your own acessories and costumes. Self-funded is more accurate, but I think leisure sounds better? HAHA. And I act as well. I've been in videos. At events, at photoshoots... I guess I love the attention. No cosplayer hates attention. Because we're super good at drawing attention to ourselves, hating attention would mean you'd die in the scene. And even among fellow cosplayers, we look for ways to outdo each other and outglam each other. Its all competitive. You seek to be the best cosplayer for a certain character, and you tread on the pride and reputations as you advance in the ranks. Completerly self-regulated community. Politics through and through, and there are no moderators. free for all. Free market. Utter chaos, and order is self-established. Fun, and very very painful...

Why am I saying this? I've been considering quitting. To stop and never do it again. Can I even do that I wonder? Its so ingrained... But I need to move on I know. Sighs. Another year is about to descend, and I seem to be at the same place as last year and nothing has changed. I wanted to go for the BSM to New York. No, I'm not going. Did not manage to get in. Which is superbly depressing. Oh well. Shall I just go to Japan to make myself feel better? Anyone wants to join me?

"I will never get what I want..."

Trip

Playlist

波瀾万丈、椿唄 by R指定

New band that I dicovered online. Not bad, or maybe I am attracted to the bishie megane that is their drummer? I wonder~ I like the PV, there is this lazy feel, and the flashing lyrics reminds me of Vocaloid. To set the record straight, I am not a fan of Vocialoid songs. I think they are awful because its all synthesized. If you were to compare real voices and synthesized voices, real voices win hands down. But if you were to compare Vocaloids to other synthsized music, I must admit that it sounds much better. Grows on you after a while as long as the song is not longer than 3 minutes. Anything more than that is audio torture. I shall explore R指定 a wee bit more before I decide to add their songs to my library. Quite promising so far?

Just returned from Malaysia. Went there for Comics Fiesta at Berjaya Times Square. It was a pretty eventful trip? A lot of discoveries. Made new friends. Understood more about myself and my friends. Like every trip, it was a great experience. I think trips are wonderful. Stuffed into the same small space with people whom you don't understand, you are forced to interact and you try your best not to make errors. You blunder around and try to reach a compromise. Some things work. Others do not. You fall flat on your face, you fall in love. You realise that the world is not all about you, and you get irrtated that things do not go your way. You wonder at your luck, and lack of it. You grow, because there is food for the soul. Which is why I love trips. I love pushing myself to the limit to see how fast, how far, how much I can go. I'm not trying to look for my breaking point; I'm looking for a way to stretch myself to achieve the most that I can. You may feel that it sounds as if I am suicidal, but I assure you that it is not the case. I'm looking for a sense of accomplishment, a sense that there was something that you left behind, all in spite of your short life and limited ability. Our search for purpose. Possible through a trip.

There are a lot of things I feel like typing, but I wonder at the reason why I feel like putting it down. I'm afraid of writing it down, because it makes it more real than it already is. And the more afraid I am, the more it feels like something that ought to be done. I'm not sure if you understand what I mean, but it is as if I am typing it down for the sake of typing it down to get it off my chest, and not because there is a need to type it down. At the same time, there is this sense that I need to type it down because it is simply the harder thing to do. I could ignore and tell myself that I'll type it some other time and let it fester in my heart. Not saying is much easier than saying something, because once it is written down in black and white, it is virtually impossible to retrieve. Sure I could delete the post (although I make it a point to never delete or edit the content of my posts), but the person who has read it would have read and seen it. The impact is there. And something I cannot undo no matter what I do.

I think I think too much sometimes, but I think I might love you. Its something that I've felt for quite a while, and this feeling has grown to become something that I am accustomed to. It is something that have never gone away, even though I tore it out, it stubbornly refused to die out, and stayed put, sinking roots in places I cannot access. In the beginning, I was troubled. Not emotionally mature enough. Not socially mature enough. Not smart enough. I was just thinking about it, and I kept apologising and thinking that it was my fault. Kept feeling like I was in the wrong, when there is no wrong and no right. Kept blaming myself. In the end, I told myself to kill off the area that wanted a result. Forced myself to go back to zero. Cried my heart out at the piece of my heart I killed to go on, because I had the mistaken belief that there was no way it could have worked out. How wrong I was. Both of us felt the same way, and both of us could not say it out. Both of us pretended that everything was alright and fine and the same, when inside, we were dying for acceptance, and a solution was there. All we needed to do was to say it. And we didn't. We closed both eyes, and turned the other way. We walked apart. And to this day, I regret not telling you. I regret smiling at other people the way I should to you. I cannot leave you behind, because you have always been there in my heart. For this, I am sorry to you. Dealing with the remnants of my love, I'm shortchanging you and everyone else. I seek your shadow in others, and somehow, something that was once pure has become warped with neglect and pain. So much jealousy, so much anger, so much sadness, so much hatred, so much desire, so much love. All there, and seething under the surface. To escape, I plunge myself in my work, I dive into everything I do in the hopes that activity will keep me from thinking. In a way, it worked. Now I am so busy that I don't have time to be in a relationship. Everything hurts less, but feels less real. I see things in a blur through filters, and nothing really touches the abyss inside. I do not complain, because it is an exchange to save myself from myself. Somewhere along the way, the survival mechanism kicked in, and for that I am thankful. Because if I didn't push the feelings away, hearing you tell me you like someone else will probably send me to my grave.

I guess I am honoured that someone likes me even though I am so worn and battered. I am thankful that he finds me attarctive, and that he wants me to give us a chance. I am thankful that he is willing to wait for me. But he doesn't know about all these. He doesn't know how much you mean to me. Even if he was to know, he will never understand, because he will never feel the same intensity. Lives entwined, and there is no way out. I can't cut you away without cutting myself away as well. Like a malignant tumour that has taken root, and I cannot think of a way to remove it. Its like the entire tumour has taken over my heart and cutting it away would kill me. So I just wait to die, fighting for every breath. And I push him away because I know he deserves someone better than a dying person. Not literally. But emotionally. Please don't fall in love with me. I am a human who is about to turn into a doll. Alive but not vital overmuch. I'll stay with you if it makes you happy. I'll do my best to make you happy. I'll be here until my last moment, wishing you all the best, praying that even when I am gone, you'll still be smiling.

Why do I say this? Its like exposing raw flesh to a shark and saying EAT ME. Asking to be shot and hammered and further ripped apart. Am I crazy? I think so. And so are you. And you. And you too. Over dramatising? Yes? No? Maybe? I don't really care. So what? I won't tell it to you personally, because it would make your life more difficult, and I cannot tell it to you because I have no more expectations for this of you. If I told it to you, I would expect a reply, and that alone would be too much for me to bear. So I will just type everything on my blog, and hope that you will one day read this and understand and somehow, things will be ok.

Its ok if you misunderstand, Its ok if you never wish to speak to me again. Its ok if you ignore all these and pretend you never saw this post. Its ok if you ask me what I mean. Its ok if nothing happens at all. I have given up. I guess I can be happy living this way, until the day everything ends. I just want to say this to give myself closure. Even if I cried a litre of tears, even if everything was to change and nothing was to change. I can happy the way things are, because somehow, I found peace with myself. This reminds me of cheer camp where the flyer spent almost 3 minutes on me, and I just stood there, holding her, crying because it was so painful, and just bearing the weight in silence because I wanted to encourage her to keep going. No one noticed until I told them to take her off because I was in too much pain, and I think they were in shock. Said this before, but I can't help but see the similarity. I cannot frown, because I believe in making the people around me happy, even at the expense of my own happiness.

I am an idiot. So shoot me.

"And we'll tear each other to pieces."