Fix

Playlist

Lies by Big Bang

Took a long break from blogging because I felt that I was turning into some whiny kid who was just venting her pointless displeasure with the world in a written format. Wanted to clear my head and think things through before I put anything else out. One of my better decisions this year in a while I think? Was reading through and I realised everything seemed to be circular and utterly boring. Brain numbingly boring. 

Anyhow, some things have changed over the last month or so? Main differences... No longer working part time as a waitress. Exams are over. My internship starts in about 10days. Finally packed everything properly in my room. New laptop. Nationals won and over. Head is way more messed up than before. Heart on its way to hibernation. Body fat index increased. Life goes on, the way it always has. I'm not much better or worse? I think the main thing that really keeps me wondrous is how I've yet to really come down with a fever. Some sneezing fits, a few coughs and some phlegm now and then, but overall, in good health. Must be the increased fats!

Trying to eradicate my sleep debt. Not as easy as expected, because I need to sleep a minimum of 8 hours to even start depleting the debt. I've something like 30hours to clear, and it hasn't been easy. Not adding to the debt is already hard enough; removing the debt is something that really needs dedication. Sleeping at 11pm and waking after 7pm is the bare minimum, and after about one and a half months of insanely screwed up sleeping habits? Uphill task. But one that needs to be undertaken, because I want better skin, better health and more energy. No matter how good I am at surface acting, I do feel tired, and I can feel that my performance is compromised? Yes, contrary to popular belief, walking around feeling like a vampire/zombie is really not appealing to me. Not much time left before internship starts, so I'm going to do my best to sleep more. Hopefully the internship won't be as horrible as school after Week 8. Brrrr...

Was ecstatic when we won Nationals. Forgot all about how fat I look. Almost forgot how badly my shoulder hurts. Momentarily forgot about my presentations that weekend. Everything that we worked towards, every painful bruise, abrasion and injury... It was all almost worth it. The medal. The trophy. The stage. All ours. Indeed, it was not a hundred percent, but in a competition where everything is comparative, we gave good enough. And I'm happy, because this is a trophy that I have working towards since 3 years ago? If there is one thing that I have come to realise over the years, effort does not necessarily equate to results. Its a combination of luck, skill and effort that contributes to your results. Sad but true. Unfair, but then again, what in this world is truly fair? This will probably be my last cheer competition and I'm really glad I could win something... Its so depressing to not get a trophy after consistent abuse. Oops! And the truth emerges once more.

Am honestly pretty upset with my Japanese language abilities. I have difficulty reading this! I've stopped at a level that is way lower than this, and I've resorted to using kanji to survive. Deplorable, and I am really embarrassed that it has come to this. Its not one or two words that I have difficulty with, but a large majority of the text. Out of my depth and my exam is in about 2 months. I think I have my work cut out for me. Please give me the mental capacity to learn fast and well. I desperately need it if I want to survive the exam and exchange.

Trying, not very hard, to look for new Japanese music to listen to. I've realised I have not heard a single new band since a couple of years ago. Maybe its because Japanese artistes tend to avoid YouTube, which happens to be my main source of music nowadays. Why buy something blindly if I can sample it online? And nothing I've heard so far as been interesting enough for me. I'm not sure if it is because I spent too much time listening to really interesting songs and I've standards that can no longer be easily met. Or maybe its because I'm now looking for a different sound. No matter what it is, I hope I find what I am looking for soon. It sometimes gets boring to listen to songs for four to five years. 

Still lost. Not like I expected to be able to find my way so soon. No longer that upset about it, I guess it has reached this stage where I am just resigned about the fact that this is a process that I need to go through. The scariest thing about no knowing where you want to go, is the fear that every decision you make now is taking you further from where you will want to go. What if the things I choose to do now impede what I want to do in the future? What if I am crippling my potential? All the what ifs in the world combined swimming in my head. I suppose this is what people mean by feeling insecure about the future. Everything before this moment has just been the fear that comes from knowing that you are approaching the edge. Still on solid ground and walking. Its only this moment that you look out there and realise that you need to take flight or you'd plummet to your death. Which is when the numbing fear creeps in and paralysis takes hold. Like in one of those horror movies where the protagonist, or victim, cannot do anything but stand there as the chainsaw/knife/implement of doom approaches. Deer in headlights moment.

Its almost the middle of the year and my posts are only about a tenth of my usual number. Maybe I'm starting to outgrow blogging as well? I wonder...

"When the world crumbles, the only way to survive, is to fly."

Paralysis

Playlist

Cough Syrup by Glee

Everywhere hurts. Breathing hurts. If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away to a fortune that I should have found by now. Groping in the darkness when everyone else can see the light. Self doubt. Self loathing. I have these in bucketfuls. Searching for an answer that isn't evident. Relegated to a corner to watch everyone enjoy their lives. Dark days ahead and I cannot seem to find a way out of this.

Waiting for September. Wanting to get away so badly. Never knew I had such a strong escapist streak in me. I cannot stay home. I do not want to go out. I need to find a place to rest. Constant state of panic. Losing my mind. Breaking apart from the inside and the best part is that the cracks aren't even obvious to most people. Remnants of my pride stop me from asking for help. Some part of me would rather die than to seem weak. But I am weak, and so many people know this. But there is no way I could ever ask for help. 

Do I need a counsellor? I have no idea. When did this start? How bad is my emotional state? How about I tell you that I cannot remember the last time I laughed? Lonely. Scared. And far too proud to do something that could shatter this façade. Why is it that no one seems to understand? Am I the only one who stares at the ceiling at night and cry because she wishes that she would never wake up again? 

No gets to kill myself, no nerve to do something to improve the situation. Falling and even though you know the situation is steadily deteriorating, you're afraid of hurting yourself more if you reached out to grab at something. You're afraid you can't grab hold of anything. You're afraid that even if you were able to grab something, it wouldn't help. Fear everywhere. Paralysis.

How sad it is that I seek affirmation from a fortune cookie application. I want someone, something, somehow, to make things right again. Restore things to how they were before. Wishful thinking? Stuck in a rut and I cannot escape. Not sure how I am going to survive this semester. Best part is that this is me being normal. No hormones to combat, no drama in my life to unravel. Crying doesn't even make me feel better. Shall I douse myself in alcohol? Shall I run until I crash from sheer exhaustion? Insecure. Demons in my head nipping at my heels. 

Head in a whirl. No where to go. Regrets like bitter ashes. Mistakes you don't know you made all back to haunt you. People you never want to see again tumbling out of the woodwork. Pain. Everything hurts. Emotional pain into physical pain and physical pain adds to the emotional pain. Where are we going? Circular. Cannot get out. Mood? State of mind. Perspectives change and people leave. Loveless. Heartless. Wishing I was a void. Sleepless nights and fitful nights and nights that never seem to end. And sometimes I hope morning never comes. One more time. Keep going. Nowhere to run. Run.

"A dark world aches for a splash of the sun."

Request

Playlist

Glad You Came by Glee Cast (Warblers)

Feeling a bit depressed again recently. The problem of finding my role in life never did went away, and now its back in full force to bludgeon me for not working harder to find a place that I can belong. Its really painful, because I recently feel too insecure to be able to survive on my own. I need a larger purpose. Breathing, eating and sleeping has ceased to be sufficient motivation to wake up in the morning.What I am scared of is the day I decide it's been too long since I had a goal... And I just give up on everything. If I'm like this when I'm drifting, I wonder what I will be like when I'm devastated. Maybe its a good thing I've always found something to cling on to at the final moment. This is me praying that a similar minor miracle occurs once more. And every single time when I'm looking for somewhere to go.

Application for exchange and Nationals is coming up again. Application is horrible, because I need to get a professor to write me a reference letter. Sounds easy enough for most of the human population in a university, but if there is one thing that I am most horrid at, it is asking for favours. Especially favours that I cannot repay. And asking for a reference letter lands smack into this category. I mean, how in the world do I convince someone to write me a reference if there is nothing in it for them? And it is not as if I have done a lot for that professor that they should write for me? And this just drives home my feelings of inadequacy and makes me feel like a stupid idiot for even hoping that people will bother about me. Every day that I do not get a response is like... Being stabbed. Every time I check my inbox, there is a sense of fear, because every moment that I do not see a response is further confirmation that I am nothing but chopped liver to these people. And I cannot avoid this, because it is a prerequisite. The rapidly approaching deadline makes me wince in despair. Its never good to know that you're not loved. I am such a failure as a student.

The only thing that I would proudly boast as my strength would be my ability to organise my life such that, even when I'm drifting, I have something to keep me going. Not that these are good substitutes for knowing what I should do, but at least I've a way to keep progressing. I cannot really turn to anyone for help, because this is a problem that I need to resolve on my own if I want to grow up. I cannot rely on others to resolve my issues, much like how I cannot do away with problems for others. There are some battles that can only be fought on my own, and I think this is one of them.

一片昏乱。 完全不知道自己在干嘛，不知道我要的是什么。总而言之就是人生乱得无法自拔。有能救我的人吗？若现在能遇到你，感激不尽。

Fighting a losing war with myself. Being depressed is horrid. Sigh.

"Request for assistance."

Overshare

Playlist

Episode 0 by Gackt

Earworm was originally Adele, so I decided that I should change it to something less evidently emo and listen to something more... Inspirational. Not exactly the most encouraging song, but Gackt is always worth 4 minutes of my life. 

Feeling a bit depressed. Might be due to the fact that my period is coming (yes I am oversharing), and I am hungry (still slightly oversharing), and I feel like I am barely well-regarded by the people around me. And no, I have been feeling this way for a couple of days. I will admit that up to about 20% of this negativity might be due to my hormonal imbalance, but I honestly doubt all of it is unwarranted.

I am quite tired of being the security blanket. A stupid role to play, because all you ever get are the unbearably depressing collection of stories from everyone. I'm not the girl people go to if they want a party. I'm not the girl people go to if they want to share happiness. I'm the one they go to when their world is a-crashing and they need to offload angst and depression. I'm the one who offers hugs and tissues. I'm the one people discuss existential questions with. I'm the one who gives support and encouragement when people are lost and weary... 

Three simple reasons why I'm irritated:

1) One person is fine. Two people, still manageable. But when virtually ALL my friends use me as a touchstone? Hello, you people hardly ever share with me ANY good news. I only know about your boyfriend when you're about to break up. I only know what classes you take when you start complaining. I only know where you work when you tell me how your boss is an ass. What am I? An emotional dustbin? Can't you ever share anything happy? Oh wait, my name is synonymous with 'personal counsellor'.

2) Who the fuck listens to me when I'm falling apart? Who the shit hugs me and doesn't judge when I'm ranting? Who in hell has been my pillar of support? I'll tell you who, MYSELF. Whenever I'm crumbling, people around me run like the plague is upon them. You people make that face betrays what's in your head, you saying "OMG why the hell is she crying can she stop I don't know what to do GETAWAY GETAWAY!". I'm human, I'm fallible. I'm useless if I can't stand on my own? Let's see you stand on your own. Every single time. I feel sad, I hug Pooh and cry to sleep. I feel angry, I plaster a smile to my face and spend all my energy flouncing around. I feel lonely, I read until my eyes can't keep open and fall asleep. Does this sound like the lifestyle of a happy person?

3) People say I'm cruel. Me? Cruel? Excuse me, who called and spoke to you on the phone for 2 hours when you wanted to kill yourself? Who is always the first person to send an encouraging SMS? Who follows up after every upsetting incident and always pushes you forward? Ungrateful brats.

I think it is plenty obvious that I am tired of being Aunt Agony. I'm not paid. No one ever pays back the favour. Just because I don't say anything doesn't mean I don't have a chalkboard in my head to keep score. I know how many times I've done special things just to make you happier. I know how many times I've played counsellor. And I know how many times you've stabbed me, over and over again, the very moment you feel slightly better. Too many times. The people who I owe favours number on one hand, and my family makes up the bulk of it. The people reading this? As long as you're a friend, you're super likely to owe me big time. I dare you to ask me how huge your debt is. Ask me, and brace for my smirk as I tell you you'd probably never pay it back. Because its become such that I won't show my weaknesses to people again. 

So yeah, I'd grind salt into wounds, because I'm in pain, and there's no way I can get out of it. Hurt all over and healed badly such that I'm not capable of not being mean to people who matter anymore. Which is expected, because the people who matter to me are the very same people who make use of me when I'm hurt and toss me in a corner when they're fine. I am not a first aid kit.

最近一直有着搬出去住的念头。可能是六月自己在日本呆的那段日子实在太棒了？自由的活着，偶尔与亲戚朋友沟通，每天过得非常愉快。没有实现别人的愿望的压力，不必为他人着想， 活在自己步伐的日子真的蛮轻松蛮舒服。在日本玩得太痛快，回来变得无精打采，稍微不习惯这里的日常生活方式。很想回去。一定会想办法回去。而可能性以外的还蛮高的。我不多说了，锁定了才透漏。这样才能过得比较精彩吗。有点臭屁吧？不管了，这是我的人生，就由我决定方向。

I'll find my way to live my life. Without you if its not fated to be. I'll do the things I want, at my pace. After all, since no one will love me the way I need to be love, I might as well love myself and ignore the people who won't. Why waste my life away in sorrow?

"この両手で守り切るには/裏切る言葉が多過ぎて/いつぞや 見た愛を信じ/刹那を生き抜きたい"

Grin

Playlist

Its Not Unusual by Glee Cast

Almost Valentine's Day. And I started thinking about my relationships with he various people in my life. It started with the people who are the most distant from me, and why I'm still happily single at this stage in my life. Went on to my distant friends, and I thought about how they became these near strangers. Close friends next, and I was wondering how and why I've kept up the relationship. Family was the last, and the only overarching feeling I have is of immense gratitude to my parents for always being there to make fun of me and feed me milk with cereal.

 Introspection leads to very depressing thoughts. Which is why I try hard to work myself to the extent that I don't have excess brain power to process philosophical thoughts above self worth and all that jazz. Even if I do, I try to blog it out to work it out of my system so I don't start deflating. Someone asked me why I always try so hard to be happy. I will admit the first thing that went through my head was " Are you daft? Why the hell wouldn't you try to be happy?!" Obviously it was not so eloquent and polite, but... Yeah you get the idea. I asked her why, and she told me she just accepts the fact that life isn't always happy and just accepts that her mood is so. That she is usually in a 'neutral' mood, and rarely happy or unhappy. And that she lives life like this every day and thinks that its how life is... Makes me pity her. 

Thing is, I understand. I really do understand what it is that she means. I used to think that accepting what life is like was the mark of someone that is mature and, although a bit depressing, something that I should work towards. After a while, however, I think I've moved towards a state of mind where I think we need to know when to give up and when to fight on. And happiness is something that I believe is worth fighting for. I don't want to regret living in this world, and I especially don't want to look back and think that I could have chosen to spent my days in a more enjoyable manner.

努力的跟自己奋斗着。不想败给烦恼，不想输给不安。变勇敢并不容易，变坚强更困难。偶尔会觉得趋弱的自己超讨厌，丑透了。可是这也是我的一部分，而懂得爱自己的弱点是学自爱的条件之一。想的太多与想的太少的人正在自讨苦吃，但怎能想得恰当呢？怎能让自己更有自信更喜欢自己？有过痛苦想爱自己却无法成功的经验，也有不明白为何不会自爱的时候。唉，做人好辛苦。下辈子当个无大脑而不知感情的水母算了。

Trying hard to exercise more often. Running, cheer and just more static exercises to increase my strength. For Nationals? For fitness? For my reputation? Strong is the new sexy and all? Not really, but I think I am tired of feeling weak. And I tend to work out more when I feel insecure? I dress better too, and worry about my hair and skin and everything. Its always super obvious when I feel horrid, because I try very hard to keep a smile on my face and dress to impress. Some people say this is my 'vain' tendencies emerging, but I call it armouring myself. Life is cruel, society is vicious, and I need all the protection I can get. Look neat, look sharp, look gorgeous so that people will be intimidated and avoid messing around with you. Cultivate an aura of glamourous inaccessibility so that you won't get hurt when people leave you and choose others over you. Smile, wave, make small talk, give cold hugs. Be chirpy, energetic, enthusiastic, and absolutely friendly. In short, toss all your insecurities out of the window and schmooze. And inside, its a cold, hard, unfeeling place. Your world spins, you barely feel your fingers, and your inner monologue is nothing like whatever is tumbling out of your mouth. Feeling lonely? Crying inside? Need a hug? Shut that part down. No emotions here! Grin and bear it babe, because life is tough and the weak becomes roadkill and dinner for the strong.

"And high up above or down below/ When you're too in love to let it go/ But if you never try you'll never know/ Just what you're worth"

Control

Playlist

Ready Or Not by Shinee

February soon. Another month gone, and its about a year before I file for graduation. The horror. It only hit me sometime, last week? That I have been in this school for near three years and my time is almost up. 16 years in the Singapore education system, and the thought of searching for employment feels like a punch in the gut. And here, I will shamelessly admit that I am afraid. The fear that everything I've learnt so far is nowhere sufficient to allow me to safely embark on my career. That the job I'm at is horrible and I feel like killing myself every morning. So many concerns, the least of which is whether I'll be able to earn enough to feed my family. That, and the fact that I am still single and, more often then not, glamorously unavailable. Not because I am truly unavailable, but because I really do not bother to get to know more people. And I'm the type of girl guys avoid, because I am too much 'like a girl' yet 'ungirly'. No idea what these very brilliant boys have in mind, because I can't comprehend head nor tail of what they are trying to get at. So I have very accidentally crafted an image of inaccessibility and independence. As a Corporate Communications major, I feel sad to say that I have almost absolutely no control over my self image. Not sure how I am going to work in the future with my current inadequacy...

If there is one thing I have come to realise, it is that I am not the least bit strong. I, like every other person, get swayed by insincere lies. I fall victim to my biases and get preyed on by vicious people who are out to be mean and sabotage others. I complain and whine and make a lot of noises associated with the weak and useless. And there are some things in life that I cannot fight against. Nevertheless, I think I deserve marks for always making a conscious effort to try. Yeah I have failed, and I have given up prematurely, but I am of the belief that no matter if effort does not equate to result, the fact that you gave yourself a chance is sufficient grounds to applaud. After all, not all of us have nerves of steel and cast iron determination. I for one, do not, and while I will work hard not to deprive myself of an opportunity, I am not about to take masochistic pleasure of making my journey in life exceptionally difficult.

还在想着自己要的到底是什么。我可是不能一直无畏的追着某种远方的幻觉吧？不知不觉中便闭着眼睛走到了尽头，现在必须选新的道路了。无法避免的事实，而现实世界就是如此残酷。 管你有没心理准备，时间一到你只能前进， 否侧必须面对社会上的批评。感情？人情？在这无比现实的社会理，只有失败品与成功者。你要站在哪边呢？

What are you prepared to do to get what you want to achieve? What are your aims and goals worth to you? And the most important question, what are you worth? Principles, rules, limits... these are all concepts. What matters is what you are made of, and what you will withstand and stand for. How far will you push others, how far will you let others push you, how far will you push yourself. So many questions with no apparent nor easy answers. I think all these are things that we only find out over time, over trials and tribulations that life throws you, and through holes that you bury yourself in. Maybe this is what makes you a 'person'. So many things to consider, so much so that living and breathing is filled with decision variables. Ah, if only there was a walk through for life. I think the person who writes such a thing would be a billionaire many times over...

"Smile."

Place

Playlist

Airbag by Tablo

Lunar New Year has come and gone, and the workload from school is beginning to take its toil on me. My hours are still alright, but the sheer amount of readings that I need to do is scary. Three books worth of catching up, and this does not include the amount of work that I need to do and submit. Its a slow accumulation of work that never seems to go away. Best part is that it is only Week 3 and I'm beginning to drown. This is the earliest that I have ever experienced the pressure. And this is from all four of my modules. Not one, but all four. Finance is killer in ways that I expected, mainly being unbelievably difficult and confusing. Corporate communication classes requires a LOT of preparation and analysis of issues, because air time is very important. None of them are light, which might be because they are all Level 3 classes which hint at the sheer amount of work that needs to be done if I want to pass. Gonna keep fighting, so I guess I am alright for now. I think my professors will come to hate me for constantly knocking on their door for consultations, but I believe it is necessary. Self learning? A joke unless you're really intelligent. This is the reality of higher education.

Its end January, and I have yet to see a proper cheer routine from my group. Sort of given up hope, sort of resigned, sort of no longer interested. There are too many fires to fight in my life to waste time depressed about how no one seems to be sufficiently committed to make our trophy dream possible. I do not blame people for having different priorities, its just part of the way the world works. Everyone is different. Clubbing may be a priority because she wants a boyfriend. Spending time with her boyfriend may be a priority because she's afraid he will leave her. Training may be a priority because its the only time she has an excuse to see him. Different people, different goals, and its fine. I have my own life to lead and my own things to achieve. Time spent away from the mats can be invested in work, relaxation, studies and pursuit of other activities. Nothing to cry over. Nothing will disappoint if you don't have expectations to begin with.

郁闷的过着每一天。有时会觉得是自己活得太幸福太快乐所以会有这种多余的想法。若连三餐都吃不饱，睡得不好，一定不会有多余的精力来想这种没用的想法。应该吃多点苦，才会对现在的生活方式感到感激不尽，而不会怨东怨西，对人生感到不满。这样的我跟那些讨厌的千金公主殿下有何分别？吃好住好便开始活得如此舍此，浪费着时间和人生的无畏追着唯物主义的生活方式。的确，我对名牌衣服包包鞋子并不这么感兴趣，可是我可够挑食贪吃，也偏爱选昂贵的名食。经常觉得自己好奸好惹人厌。满嘴的大道理，但到了紧要关头却懦弱起来，真是可悲透了。有时会觉得我这种人该从这世上消失算了。又没什么贡献却一直引起麻烦事来，没救的人渣败类。

I find it rather amusing how things in Chinese differ so much from that in English. I find Chinese a far more succinct language, with so many concepts squished into one word, where English needs an entire string of words to convey one idea. And Chinese with its proverbs and sayings... I remember being awfully amused by how English had about four pages of proverbs to learn, when Chinese has dictionaries worth of them. Never managed to learn everything, not like there was a need to. Its so easy to pick it up and to infer meanings from the words alone. None of it cliched and all of it had a cute little story behind it to slam the knowledge into your long term memory. Of course some say that English requires less rod memorisation, but I've always found Chinese far too interesting to ever be JUST memory work. Maybe I'm lucky because my parents were keen to introduce me to other parts of the language that made it fun and relevant even in a country that functions in English. I love Chinese, I love its culture, and I think, if I could, I would go back to Chinese classes. Super sad that my school does not have anything other than Introduction to Chinese. Oh well...

Shall think of happy thoughts! Like how the smell of sun block reminds me of Japan, JENESYS and Osaka. Like how good it feels to run with my hair streaming behind me and my legs moving me forward. Like how comforting it is to wake up all toasty because of the sun coming in through the curtains. Like how a hot shower makes every sad thing disappear immediately. Like how yummy milk and cereal is at night when you're sleepy and hungry. Like how its so fun to laugh until I'm dizzy. Life is good, no matter how painful it can be.

"Shine a light through an open door/ Love and life I will divide/ Turn away cause I need you more/ Feel the heartbeat in my mind"

Return

Playlist

Somebody Else by Se7en

Never really a Se7en fan, but this song is pretty decent? Not one of the songs that you quickly forget after a while but those that stick in your head and sometimes pops out to annoy you. One of those. Which is good, because Se7en really needs something to boost his career. I'm all for good music in the world, because I believe everyone needs something to listen to when they are in one of those moods...

Technically, its the Lunar New Year season, which only goes to show how very long it has been since I last posted. I think it might be due to my pretty packed schedule. 4 modules, Nationals and a part time job is no joke. I know I was asking for it, so I am not complaining per se? Just a bit tired, and feeling sad that I no longer have the time to write lengthy posts to tell everyone more about my life. Not that there are that many people reading, but still... I like writing. Was just playing with the idea of posts in Chinese. Ok, maybe that is a wee bit ambitious, so maybe a paragraph at a time? Until I am certain that I can type coherent sentences in Chinese. Correction, coherent sentences that don't read like a 10 year old wrote it. Yeah. Aiming for that. Let's hope I am not biting off more than I can possibly chew.

最近又变得一点累了。总是在做相同的东西，日子过得相当难过。水母般的飘浮虽看起来蛮自由自在，但长久以来可是非常累人的。没有停息的地方是件相当痛苦的事。可能因为这样，自己好像喜欢上了不应该喜欢的人。明明知道他有多损却依然喜欢上他的我，感觉上可比他笨很多。已经认识了一段时间。从有女朋友到单身又有女朋友到又单身到又一次有女朋友而现在单身，这整段时间都一直有种认识。觉得他身材不错，人也蛮聪明，肯用功努力，就是他的态度遭透了。一个星期内可以跟两三个不同的女生搞关系， 吸烟喝酒的量度也有点恐怖。 很极端的人儿，认识我的人应该知道他是谁吧，而他也不是我一般上喜欢的菜色。所以我觉得我这辈子应该永远不会有什么进展？ 两个人实在是有太大的差别了。他也曾经说过，他喜欢我的原因是我永远不会被他的花言巧语给骗了，而我是他唯一能单纯的只有友情关系的女性朋友。这样的关系害我现在觉得有点困惑。我不知道自己是因为太闷了而对坏男生感兴趣，还是就是喜欢他？没有答案的问题。

That was not too difficult? Although I am certain that one day in the future, I am going to look back and laugh at my horrid Chinese. Not bad for someone who has not been writing anything in Chinese for the past few years. Excuses, and I'll work harder at this. No matter how many mean jokes about how I look like a country bumpkin from rural China that I get, I want to make sure that no one will ever feel that my language abilities are pathetic. It makes me mad and angry when they tease me, but I'm going to work at it. My appearance is not a reason for me to avoid the language. Never gonna be able to run away from this part, so I might as well make the best of everything. Being able to passively read is fun, but I want to be more actively engaged. Surrounding myself in English is easy, and life isn't exciting if its too easy. So as per my usual style, I'm gonna ramp things up and push myself to the limit. Until the day that I can't go anymore, I want to live a life that makes me feel proud of myself for doing things that seemed impossible. I want to be able to laugh at my previous fears of inadequacy and hug my new self with confidence.

In some strange way, I know that I will never be able to find someone who loves me as much as I love myself. If I did, maybe the way I see the world will change, but until that day comes, I think I will do all I can to be someone that I will always be able to be proud of. I want to never hesitate when asked if I love myself. I want to always be able to love myself for all my idiosyncrasies and quirks. I want to be able to be happy being me.

"This is not a payback. This is my return."

Haze

Playlist

Someone Like You by Adele

Really annoyed for the last few days, which I shall soon go in-depth into, but I'd like to say here that its strange how everyone says I look really good. As if I'm full of energy and happy. Which is why I sometimes feel that anger is totally my element. The rage gives me an extra bounce in my step, an extra flounce in my hair. I smile harder, and I move about with purpose. Burning candle? Maybe, but who cares? I don't intend to live that long either.

Angry. Really angry. The kind of anger, that if left alone, I will soon just shut off and close people off. Block off everyone and go back into my shell. I'd probably get depressed though. Either that or I'd be really snarky and evil for the next few weeks and purposely tread on toes. Of the both, I would think the latter would be more enjoyable, though I would definitely be burning a few bridges here and there. Onward to the main issue!

What kind of bloody useless friend are you? Trigger point was when you implied that I am troublesome and not worth effort. I hate your half-hearted attempts to get back to what we used to be. I hate how you always disappear into that annoying default face when you think I'm mad at you but think you're thinking too much. Well darling, I usually am. I just don't say it because it would be stupid if I were to reprimand you every time you did something awfully selfish and rude. You've made me wonder if I should even be friends with you so many times that its not funny anymore. You say you didn't know. You say I didn't tell you. You say sorry without meaning it. You say we're different, as if this fact didn't occur to you when you first met me and decided to get along with me. You say I give half-hearted 'smartphone' replies to your smses, well sugar, you were the one who first started it. Texts that seem to be a collection of emotes and lacking any concrete content. What do I respond to? How do I respond? Send you my own collection of emotes?! Fucking annoying. I hold back because you always say that I hurt you with my straightforward comments. And when I don't say anything, you say its weird and shut up too. So what? Am I supposed to stare at you in silence and read your mind? Too bad, I don't have this magical power.

I'm no longer really trying to connect the bonds. After all, you gave up on me first. I half-consciously tested you by not stepping out when you reached out. And instead of taking a step toward me, you backtracked and looked for someone else. All the times I reached out to take your hand. All the times I soldered on because I believed that it wasn't a me and you but a we. And my fate is to be abandoned the moment I falter. Good for you, to be connected such that there will always be people willing to cushion your life. I hope they stay the way I did, because I'm not going to for you anymore. Going overseas taught me that loneliness is chained to me, that no matter where I go I'll always feel out of the loop. And I guess, although painful, its ok. Its better than being betrayed.

Wanted to make things right. Wanted to see if we could stop gnawing on each other. Wanted to be someone that you could rely on. So why did it become like this?  I wonder when I'm not so angry and more emotional. If I could wave a magical wand and make things right, why not? But I know things will disintegrate. I'm no longer the child who cried to our mutual friend at my block, telling her I wanted to kill myself. I'm no longer the teenager who explodes over the phone, hoping you'd understand my rage and comfort me. I'm an adult, and as an adult, I'll walk away from things that aren't good for me. In this case, its you.

Do you feel hurt? I hope so. I'm not going to let you get away with hurting me. Well, I don't think I can inflict that much damage, I don't have so much time. I actually... Almost can't be bothered already. Not sure, but I really hope I can erase you from my life. Not worth staying having you in it if all you're gonna do to me is make me more messed up than I already am. Its fine, I can grow old alone with my jellyfishes. I think it would be rather peaceful.

Why does the first post of 2012 have to be so disappointing I wonder. Oh well, if I were to start the year on a non positive note, I think it can only get better. I remember what I got from the temple in Japan. I knew it would be a bad year, but for some strange reason, its not as bad as I had hoped, although it has most certainly been horrible in various ways. A level that I can deal with for now, so I shall pray that my life in this new year is less turbulent. As usual, there is not much I can do but to try my best and hope that things don't head south and never return. Such is life, and I think I used up all my good luck in summer. Not enough to tide the year, so with this new year, I hope I get a luck refill to survive the year. Really need it...

Short post as I need a shower. Long day in school thats even longer now due to these depressing emotions. Need to cleanse all the negative thoughts before I hug Pooh to sleep. 

"Only yesterday was the time of our lives/ We were born and raised/ In a summer haze/ Bound by the surprise of our glory days..."

Differ

Playlist

Different by Ximena

Rediscovered music I used to like and who's song titles and artists were always beyond me. Nostalgic, and slightly ironic. After all these were songs I liked and over time ceased liking, although I probably would have declared them timeless favorites back then. And now, months and years later, I'm back, although when I left them behind, I would have thought they had lost their allure. So its like looking back, while looking forward, and you come to realise there are some things don't change even though they seem to change. And then there are things that change, while remaining the same. Yes I studied Murder in the Cathedral by T.S. Elliot for my Literature exams.

In a way, I sometimes wonder if its the same with relationships. Yeah, there are numerous people who drift away and never come back, but there are those who you stumble upon again somewhere along the way in your life. They may be friends of new friends, family of new friends, your banker and more. I cannot profess to have lived long enough to see many people who drift away come back, but I have observed this trend from my admittedly teeny sample size of my life and social circle and... This is the conclusion that I've arrived at. Somehow, roads cross, people come, roads diverge, people leave and at the end, we reach this roundabout where you see people opposite and you can't talk to them, but they most certainly are there. Its a lonely feeling? Where you wonder why you ever met if you'll never really be as close ever again. You're lonely not because there isn't anyone, but rather, because the people left. The remembrance of the shared yesterday is what makes the today that you're spending alone feel awful. And thinking if there will be anyone there tomorrow makes it even worse? No wonder people want to get into a stable relationship... Something about the security of knowing there will be someone who likes you and will talk to you when you wake up the next morning is very appealing.

And because of all of these, on the days that I feel a wee bit annoyed and strangely prophetic, I try to see how long my relationships will last. I do assure you this exercise is likely to cause a measure of grief, depending on your level of optimism/pessimism, and is not to be attempted by individuals with their plate full. It might cause rifts to occur where there were none, and your friends are not likely to be pleased by your sudden change in friendliness. Believe me, this is the voice of experience, most unfortunately or otherwise.  Anyway, the crux of this lies in extrapolating the potential behaviour of yourself and your friend, and arriving at a guesstimate of how long it'd be before someone blows a fuse. Add in the severity of the disagreement, the potential for discussion and a favourable outcome. Repeat, factor in external environmental changes such as new friends, work changes, family etc, include a margin for error and voila! Your relationship map is ready for use. Please be forewarned that testing this out is to make you suffer and unhappy. For use by masochists, or bored people only.

Holidays this December... Mostly spent moving, training and watching videos. Nothing much to do, which is good, because I really need a break. Studied a bit of Japanese, went out a couple of times with friends, but its mainly been moving. There are really a LOT of things to do when you're moving, especially when your new home isn't prepared yet, so I've essentially moved twice in a month. Crazy. If I could, I will never do this again. Ever. If it wasn't the school holidays, I think I might have died from stress. And the best part is that I'm not even doing most of the work. Not sure what I'd do without my parents. I'm sure I'll be fine when I have my own home, because I'm the type of person that somehow manages alright when things become horrible and I can't rely on others. Horrible aren't I? Useless when there are people around and useful when there aren't because there isn't anyone to leech off. Why am I not surprised that my dad always calls me a leech? 

Not sure what to say already. Have not been doing much recently, and with the lack of new activities, and errr... My infatuation with my bed and pooh...

Good night!

"I'm from a different zone~"

Twist

Playlist

Let's Go Party by 2NE1

Despite the rather 'happening' song title, it's a slow song that is suitable for listening when you're semi awake and unbearably tired. Which is how I feel like now after standing at Botanic Gardens MRT for the past hour as I wait for a friend. You wouldn't want to know how many times I've checked Twitter and FaceBook. It's gotten so bad, there are no seats so I can snooze, that I've resorted to writing about it on my blog. Thank goodness for blog apps. Life would be endless stoning and meditation and temper tantrums if it weren't for technology. People really need to learn to be punctual. Not asking for you to be early, which I usually am, but at the very least, get your butt to the meeting place on time. 5minutes late would still be acceptable, what with the relatively unreliable bus system. Even 15minutes is fine. But an hour is too much. Bordering on waiting for me to bitch slap you before doing a diva hair toss. Yes, I get annoyed when people reduce my sleeping hours. Not like they are in excess to begin with, so its precious!

Just in case, I'm not really angry mad. Annoyed but that is about it. After all, its the holidays and time should be frivolously spent on doing things that do not require me to rush around like a semi possessed person. Rest and relaxation is always appreciated.

I really miss dance. Watching the Korean pop acts and their dances makes my shoulders and legs start moving on their own. Possessed by the music. Not likely to join the dance clubs in school, cliques and politics are too much for my third year school fried brain, so I'm thinking of joining an external group. Not Studio Wu, because I think its overpriced. If I could I'd go back to HHK, but I need to audition and commit to performances, which is a problem. Not sure how to get around this, and I doubt there is going to be a simple solution. Cost is an issue, dance style is yet another issue and my schedule is already packed with school, cca, work and Japanese classes. Sigh. Seems like the probability that I'll overwork myself next semester is pretty high.

Another thing is that I was offered a fashion internship. The problem is that its 10months, and I'll probably need to take a Leave of Absence if I commit to       this. Awfully attracted to doing this, because I think it would be a good opportunity to explore potential strengths and weaknesses of myself. And I do need to clear my internship component if I want to graduate. Thing is, should I be doing this? I'd be making myself work far harder than expected. I could always pick something simpler and shorter and so called more related to my course. Easier way out of the situation. But life would be so boring if I always chose the easier way to go things. Not in me. Somehow I think I must be slightly suicidal to keep aiming to outfit myself over and about. As if I fear mediocrity and consistency. I might, in a subconscious way. After all, its been a while since I chose the more challenging option in my life.The question that makes me hesitate is the opportunity cost. There is always an opportunity cost, its just whether what you carve out from yourself is worth what you're adding to yourself. Which is why I am still considering.

Red moon hanging in the sky. Reminds me of Zone 00, where its the night of the siege, the fateful night where all the demons that have been haunting you attack at the same time. Night of reckoning per se? Scary thoughts. I think I'm reading too much manga. Comparing the real world to Zone is silly, but the overarching themes are very real? About how the things you do have consequences, even if you feel the backlash 500 years later. How we give in to temptation, how we all make mistakes, how we all have fears that we hide because bringing it to the surface will completely paralyse you. And how we all have a past that often comes up to bite us in the ass. Very real. Very scary in many ways to see the hidden things in you reflected in the book you're reading. Very addictive too!

"Together, we can burn brighter than the sun."

Console.

Playlist

FIRE by 2NE1

I think, amidst the hustle and bustle of my daily life, I've been feeling pretty down. Not out and useless down, but functioning down. The kind where you live day to day, and you always reach your destination without knowing how you got there. And no, there is no way I could have slept the walk from my school to the bus stop. Its the kind of feeling where time just disappears, and you have no idea where it went to. Something like that when you're in between being awake and asleep in the morning? But now through the day and for days. Something must be wrong with me, without me realising that consciously. I've been feeling very sleepy and tired for a few days, but I thought it was just me being lazy and silly because exams have ended. Which was, itself, pretty silly considering how exams were only 3 days ago, but I've been to school every single day. For cheer and meetings. At home, I'm packing my room, my house, dealing with my club's transitions, redoing stupid budgeting proposals... And more, so how in the world did I think I was lazy? URGH. 

Anyway I'm kind of better now. Was moping about and being really slow with packing when I received a message from a good friend. It was just after I've read through 6 plus years of letters, notes, cards and more, and feeling as if all the good and fun times are now over and done with. Was being all sad and slightly teary, when her messaged floored me. It started off simply enough, asking if I was well, and wishing me a happy birthday. I replied that my birthday was just another day and not that important, and guess what? " I won't disagree if you mean birthdays in general no big deal, that's a subjective thing. But if you mean your birthday specifically, you're very wrong, cos you're an individual whose birthday deserves to be remembered and celebrated." I really cried after reading her text, and I suddenly felt so refreshed. 

I've missed the people who will say things like this to me. I've missed the people who aren't afraid of showing me that I'm important to them, especially when I'm full of self-loathing and self-doubt. I've missed the people who won't run from me when I'm depressed and lonely, who'll look at me in the eye and tell me I'm special and amazing. I've missed the non-fair weather friends. I seem to be surrounded with people who's response to a sad me is to run away. Or ignore me until I'm better. Or let 'other people' who 'understand' me better console me. Well, evidently I'm expecting too much from most of my friends. Just one of those selfish people who cannot be bothered to rescue me, and yet expect me to rescue them whenever they have problems. Tired of these people who keep taking whatever I can give. The response to any and every argument we have is that someone's right and someone's wrong, and they avoid conflict by claiming they are in the wrong and sorry. Or they'd just pretend there isn't a conflict and avoid. Wait for me to get 'better'? What if I never do? I'm too fabulous to feel insecure? Rubbish. Too good to fail? I wish.

Somehow I've turned the sadness into anger once again. Sigh. I guess its easier to vocalise and express my feeling as anger than sadness. I don't like to be all weepy. Its easier to be angry at someone/something. At least it doesn't paralyse you. Fear and sadness are two things that makes it difficult to continue, so I try to get over it. Convert all of it into destructively constructive energy and do something. Make up for all the times I've been sad and useless with inactivity. Forget about the pain as much as possible and continue with homework, revision and trainings. Am I trying to hard? I don't really know what exactly I'm trying to say anymore. Ought to stop before I'm completely out of point...

"Yeah I'm cold to the core."

On-demand

Playlist

I Kissed A Girl by Glee

I need to admit that I watch Glee for its musical numbers. Somehow, Season 1 was for the story, Season 2 was for Kurt/Blaine and Season 3 seems to be pulling out all the stops in songs for Santana. Excellent as I love her voice. The only thing I'm sad about is how Tina seems to be disappearing in Glee. Would really love Glee more if they tried to focus more on Tina too? I don't think I have ever heard a proper Tina solo since... Season1? Sigh. Hoping for more developments in the next few weeks.

Exams are over! Supposed to celebrate, but I head back to school everyday for meetings, trainings and other school related things. Why is it that I am unable to extract myself from school? Sigh, the sad life of being in the committee. When you're higher up on the hierarchy, the nearer you are to the people who hurl orders, and they turn to look at you all the time. The price I pay, but I guess its worth the title. Learnt a lot of things about others and myself, did a whole bunch of things that required higher order mental facilities and essentially moved away from naive little girl to cynical bitch. Not that I was ever really naive nor am I anywhere near as bitch-y as some of the girls I know, but you get the drift. Not the same girl I was when I stepped up to take up the position. Manipulating people is a very important skill to learn. No one can get through life easily without remote control-ling a few people here and there along the way. Being able to do everything makes you capable. Doing everything is stupid. And delegating everything to the right people is the hallmark of leadership. Yeah, there are some things that only you can do, but there are many things in life that many other people can do. So there's a need to understand the comparative advantages. Not the absolute advantage but the comparative advantage. Tricky little devil that we're not trained to find, but not finding it means running the whole show on your own, which is silly. The opportunity cost is the many beautiful things you could be doing with our precious time.

A string of activities all lined up for next few weeks. Gonna try my hand at a part time job around Christmas until next March too, so I foresee myself running myself ragged if I'm not careful. The main issue now is how many classes I should take next semester. Its either 3 or 4, and either way, I can graduate in time. Main concern would be how much time do I want to spend in school, how much time I want to allocate to my job, and more pressingly, cheer. Do I ignore my knee? Do I go ahead and fight for the trophy? Should work be of a higher priority? So many questions and no clear answers. There is this part of me that really wants the trophy and is willing to do anything for it. I mean, which self-respecting cheerleading president would want to leave the club before getting a trophy? Doesn't make sense to settle for 4th place when you know you were 1 point away from being 3rd. The competitive streak in me wouldn't let me walk away without putting on a fight, and with the team this year, assuming everyone commits to the competition, we could come back with 2nd if we're careful and dedicated enough. Naturally, my concern is the dedication factor. There's no way that I can win that trophy on my own, I need another 4 girls to be as dedicated, if not more dedicated, to be able to take that trophy. Which, as usual, is the both the problem and the solution that I am looking for. I guess things will depend on what I see from now to January. Will just do my best for now and hope everything works out fine.

Pressured this company that annoyed me until they gave in. Not going to say who they are, you should know if you've been keeping up with my FB and Twitter, since they've been smart enough to take measures to rectify their error. So no, I won't humiliate them on my blog and let them plummet into the annals of shame in cyberspace. Its important to ensure that you have a good corporate communication team in a company, or at the very least, a very good crisis management team. The new world is made up of people like me who have no qualms sending a few very politely snarky emails to demand compensation. Its part of what we're taught, that we are entitled to good service and we won't baulk and pointing out discrepancies. So yes, do hire me as part of your corporate communication staff, at the very least, you will potentially have one less snarky customer to worry about. I promise to be able to deliver sincere and effective communication to ensure that your customers are kept happy and non-irate. Customer service is vital to a company after all. Shameless self-plug ends here~

The song has been on repeat for something close to 2 hours. I really ought to get myself the full collection of all Glee songs. Repeating it on YouTube isn't exactly great fun, although I know it contributes to the revenues of the company. Hey, I don't believe in stealing songs if they can be purchased. I mean, its near impossible if its only released in a certain country and not allowed to be exported, the song isn't available on iTunes nor any other legal site, nor can I get it through any video website. Otherwise? I don't see a reason to steal music. Just my opinion.

"It felt so wrong/ It felt so right/Don't mean I'm in love tonight~"

Candy

Playlist

Candyman by Glee

Annoying day. Woke up with the light in my face because I forgot to draw the curtains. Birds were squabbling at the balcony, and my neighbour slammed the door close. Wanted to go back to sleep, and when I nearly did, the stupid alarm went off. Lo and behold, its the day, the one day in the year, where I wake up dreading what's going to happen. I'm not sure why, but its as if every year, to make up for the awesome luck I have usually, nothing good has ever happened to me on my birthday. Its either an exam, which has been the case for the past 3 years, me falling ill, when I was in secondary school, losing something important, junior college days, or something equally depressing. The best birthday would be one where absolutely nothing happens. I spend it reading books in the safety of my home, putting the existence of every other human on this planet far far away at the back of my head. Not that I dislike company, because I really don't, but because there's this expectation that is unfair to people. The best solution would be to avoid human contact and live happily ever after. Which is not really possible. So I just quash everything and speak in riddles for the whole day, hoping that people get the hint that I really don't want to to talk to them. Anti-social right?

One more paper before the end of this horrible semester. I just need to clear one stupid accounting paper that is worth half of my total final grade. Not that I expect the next semester to be anything better, but at the very least, I won't have to think about exams during my birthday. The happy thing about the second semester is that you have summer to look forward to, a summer of meaningless exploits in the name of fun, even when you have internships that beg completion. Things are better in summer, where all you think about is having fun and wishing you were gallivanting along the streets. The good thing about being a student are the time you have to waste away without worrying about productivity during the holidays. The time I spend lazing in bed and staring at my pooh to incite an imaginary conversation out of him. Times like these are what makes me sane. When I enter the workforce... I see myself taking a number of days off at totally random times.

Older and none the wiser. Fatter, lazier and increasingly jaded. Drifted apart from some buddies. Depressed, often hungry, and watching my expenditures skyrocket. New friends, new home, one more shot at Nationals. Travelled alone, learnt that there are people out there who find me attractive, and came back with new-found confidence. Spoke a new language, saw the world through someone else's eyes and explored the boundaries of my limits. I have to agree, that travelling gives you a wider perspective. It tells you how racist you are. It tells you how intolerant you are. It tells you how adaptable you are. It tells you how great and how lousy a human being you are. That's all. You learn about yourself. That's all. No more, no less. The important thing is how much this information is worth to you. Is it worth the amount of money you need to pay for your ticket? Is it worth the risk of being robbed, getting stranded and more? What will you give up for this information? Can you find out all these things about yourself on your own? Some of us can, others cannot, and there will be those who live like children their entire lives, because this information is a heavy weight dragging you down to the bottom. Of course, what you do with this knowledge is a concern too. Will you pretend you never found out how ugly you are? Will you boast about your strengths? Will you scurry away from the discoveries you made and go back into your shell? There is no right nor wrong answer. The answer will always be 'It depends.' because what works for one person often does not work for another. Most of us will let our subconscious decide on the path to take. Others will consciously make an effort to utilise what they've learnt. And there will always be those who just forget everything the moment they reach home. People.

Been addicted to Scrabble recently. Playing non stop. I have always liked games that need some measure of brain power and Scrabble is loads of fun. Doesn't hurt that its a game to be played with other people, and luck is an element as well, so its a gorgeous combination of the best things in life. Well to me at least. I'm certain that there will be those people who think its a complete waste of time and effort and would rather go to bed than play Scrabble. To each their own I guess. This is my idea of relaxation and fun. Deal with it.

Oh, and I think I am more of a journey person rather than a destination person. 

"Good luck smile my way."

Wind

Playlist

Ugly by 2NE1

I can't frown. Anyone who knows me personally can attest to that. I can try, but it ends up looking like a cross between a frog face and a retarded face. Which kinda gives me a retarded froggy face. Facial muscles aren't developed enough to frown I suppose. Somewhere inside I always thought I might have been a devolved version of a human being because I don't possess enough facial control muscles to frown. Yeah, musings of a semi deranged girl who was born middle aged and never seemed to grow up. It's quite a mouthful, but I promise you it makes sense if you think about it.

Annoyed with parents. As usual. I think we all get annoyed by these seemingly mature individuals who have so much control over our lives. I profess that they are seemingly mature because they do things that they tell me are childish and should be avoided. Things like indiscriminately venting their anger out on everyone and anyone. Things like leaving their dirty dishes in the sink and expecting others to wash up after them. Things like watching television at horrendous volume levels at night. Things like forgetting to do things entrusted to them by others. And more.

I'm not saying that my parents are horrid, though I probably could because they once told me that they had never wanted me to be born but that's a story for another day. And they also told me that forgiveness isn't something that I should expect for my errors, but that's also another story for another day. The thing I'm trying to say today, would probably be that being mature would be learning to live with the truth of my reality. I'm not perfectly mature and 'adult' all the time, and in knowing this, in a very ironic way, is a long of maturity.

Of course I do plenty of silly things. Ok not as many as what I'd like to be doing, and in all likelihood less than many of my peers but I go enough to qualify as a kid. And I'm glad to be this way. I'm not ambitious and aiming to be a high flying professional. What I want, is quite basically, my own place. I don't mind if its a little room, though I'd definitely prefer a house of my own. Rentals are fine. Which means I need to earn enough to pay rent and my expenses. Living hand to mouth is kinda alright too. Blasphemous right? What about the low risk, low expenditure, high savings, collectivist, communal and filial values of my Asian upbringing? The thing is, I like freedom. I like doing things at my own pace. Like packing my cupboard in the dead of the night. I don't want to live at someone else's pace, which is very likely to cause me problems if I ever got married. Not that I'm going to get married anytime soon.

I think this streak in me makes it hard for me to get along with others. People want security. Hanging out with a friend who's like the wind, and expects you to be rock steady is kind of a tall order. I can leave but you can't. You need to trust that I love you but I won't trust you. Double standards and superb contradictions abound. Which is why I think I'll never get married. And I'll never be able to have really solid relationships with people. Sigh. I guess I'll just grow old with my tanks of jellyfish.

By the way, I'm supposed to be studying for my exams. First one on Monday and I've yet to cover all the material. 4 papers and none properly prepared for. Ggxx. As always, my life is exciting because I make it out to be so. Hopefully I'm not faced with Cs at the end of this semester. Academic suicide is really unpleasant. Wish me luck~

"Unable to say anything, because you wouldn't listen."

葬

Playlist

花葬 by L'Arc~en~Ciel

Always liked this song. Everyone has an all time favourite song, and this is mine for Larc. With the concert recording just a few days away, I really hope that I can memorise all the lyrics of all their songs? A wee bit tough as Larc is a 20 year old band, but I'll do my best! Birthday present to myself :D

Ah, about birthdays. Mine is coming up and I feel lonelier with every passing day. Its the worst when I wake up on that day. The feeling of staring at yourself in the mirror while you prepare to go to school alone for an exam is THE WORST EVER. Doesn't help that no one in the entire examination venue will know its your birthday. Doesn't help that most of your friends would be too busy to remember. The moment where on the public transportation, you look into your reflection in the mirror and wonder if the world will change if you weren't there. Probably not, is the very disappointing answer that stares back at you. Oh, and I hate insincere wishes. Which is why my birthday isn't available on FB nor anywhere else. I am such a disgusting person aren't I? Make that little mental leap from what I've been saying. And if you don't get what I mean, its better that you don't. I am in no hurry to introduce my friends to the deep dark recesses of my mind. Psychotic tendencies are contagious after all.

Not sure if what I'm saying is ANYWHERE near the truth, but I love Larc's new song Chase. Maybe its me, but its a hopeful song. Its a dark song, but somehow, it feels like one of redemption? (Please don't start singing Gackt's Redemption to me I'd punch you) Not sure how to explain. As if, even though its a song about losing your way and losing things, there's a choice to fight on and play on and prove yourself? I may, of course, be completely misinterpreting the song. There have yet to be any official lyrics, which makes it possible that all my musings completely out of whack. Then again, who cares what it actually means as long as I like it? Oh, oh, another song I've been spamming is Glee's Rumour Has It/ Someone Like You mash-up. It is superbly terrific. One of the few songs that makes me want to break into song in the middle of the street? Of course I can't sing, so I probably never will, but the temptation is really there. I can probably do the dance, but the song is way out of my league. So unfortunate. Sigh.

Best thing to do during the study week: Hug a pillow, eat ice cream and blog while listening to music. Indeed, I am one day plus behind on my revision but for some strange and inexplicable reason, I don't feel any remorse. Which is bad news considering how my first exam is in a mere 3 days. The question now is whether I am worried because I am not worried about the exam, or I am worried because I am not worried about my slow progress. It is two rather separate kind of worries and... I just realised that instead of worrying about my worries, I should probably begin on my work. Sigh. I hope this laidback attitude doesn't cost me too much in terms of my final grade. I can just imagine myself flunking accounting and finance and doing poorly in corporate communication and economics. Depressing thoughts cloud my November, which is why I often engage in the consumption of overtly sugary confectionery in the hopes that it will negate all the negativity inside me. Quite difficult as there is a limit to how much I can eat, no I am not a bottomless pit although you might be inclined to think so, and that it wears off. Furthermore, sugar crashing hurts.

I think my gastritis might be linked to the fact that my dinner is becomingly increasingly pathetic. I know I'm really lucky to have someone cook for me? But the food is getting reduced everyday? I know leftovers are problematic, but its as if all I eat at home is white rice. Sorry, white rice with some soup. Maybe something like 20g of meat and 15g of vegetables. Which kinda might be the reason why I keep feeling like I'm dying after 11pm. I'm not sure how to tell my family that I need more nutritious food, and that that lump of meat isn't gonna be enough, because they keep asking me to eat more rice. I can't complain cause my parents would throw a freaking hissy fit and start going on about the joy of someone preparing food for me but... Your daughter's stomach lining is being steadily eroded. And I wake up in the morning feeling ill, because sometimes? Its been something like 14 plus hours since I last ate. Thats more than a day. No wonder I feel supremely awful every single day.

"You and I have history, or don't you remember?"

Chase

Playlist

Chase by L'Arc~en~Ciel

The new song is pretty different from what they've been producing up to date. A lot more synthesizer and there's quite an obvious hook and all. In a way, it sounds a lot more like what you'd expect from pop groups? I can totally imagine 2NE1 performing to something like this. Of course Chase is far more mature and rockish, but the fact that I can even associate it with 2NE1 speaks for itself.

And if the format of this post is a wee bit queer because I'm typing this on the go. On my phone no less. It's an application I found from the Android Market. Not an official app because there isn't one available, but this seemed pretty decent, which is why I've decided to try it out. Rest assured that my blog will always chart the me who tries to compose her thoughts in complete sentences and will ponder the intricacies of structure. Not about to abandon my blog for Tumblr anytime soon. There are, nevertheless, likely to be alterations, such as shorter paragraphs. This is because on the teeny screen I have (well compared to my laptop anyway since I might possible have one of the largest touchscreen phones around) it seems far too lengthy, a paragraph such as this. It might benefit me in the long run by encouraging more concise paragraphs, but I think I'd hope to maintain my meandering thoughts. If there weren't any convolution, I'd be one heck of a sad gal.

Running a flu and my final, most important presentation this semester is tomorrow. Yes I have classes in Saturday because of the holiday on Monday. I think I've mentioned repeatedly that my school has a policy of having make up classes on Saturday? So yes, my class is at 3pm. Superbly nervous because I know how terrible my.performance becomes when I'm running a flu. Everything seems to be moving faster than what I can deal with and I can't seem to hear myself right. Doesn't help that my nose is like a leaking dam and its highly uncomfortable to have a feeling of an overflowing nose. Gross and annoying to the maximum. So yes, having a presentation isn't the best idea, but I'll deal with what I can get. Hopefully I don't feel so awful tomorrow. Perhaps I should volunteer to be the first group to go. Reduce the amount of pain I'll have to go through and let's me rest earlier. Touchwood... Really hoping it tides over by tomorrow so that I can show the other group how very epic we are. Competitive til the day I die.

Exams are around the corner and I don't have much motivation to study. I think it might be because of the flu, but I have been being a lazy sloth for the past few days too so I really wonder. Really hope I do well this semester and with the majority of my grade reliant on my finals, I ought to be drinking the contents of my textbooks and notes. Sigh. Help me find the drive to study? No way that I want to repeat my triple C performance of last semester. Really horrible. If I weren't in New York at that point in time I might have offed myself in despair. Even then, I did go into a state of shock. Cried in the bathroom while showering so that my roommates wouldn't be able to see how I wad breaking apart. Even then I think they kinda guessed that law this hollow shell-shocked mess. Not sure how I survived the next few days... I think visiting the Strand helped? I know I was awfully testy in Taiwan and I only properly recovered when I went to Japan. I think the horrible illness I had between Taiwan and Japan, when I was in Singapore, might have been my body's way of catching up with the mental stress. Like I said, I'm pretty competitive so I don't do well with abject failure. In essence, me needs to study so that I can improve my gpa and smile properly again.

Call me what you will for being so grade conscious but I like doing well. It matters to me. It makes me happy to go well. So yeah. Go ahead and judge me, I don't really care. Everyone have things that matter to them. For me, seeing an A grade makes me jubilant. I don't comment on your infatuation with collecting pencils or barbie dolls, don't put for collecting pretty grades.

"Calling, the fallen angel, rolling, on cold asphalt..."

Experiment

Playlist

Tomorrow by Tablo ft. TaeYang

This overwhelming sense of loneliness, and the fear that I will grow old and die alone, not even with the cats and jellyfish I would probably rear. Thus, although I never really thought I'd say this, but I am. I think its about high time I stopped being single. Yes, this is the moment you gape at me incredulously and ask me what took me so long. I suppose it took me this long to realise that people around me will one day die and leave me behind... No I am not an idiot, and yes, I have always known this, but there is a HUGE difference between knowing and KNOWING. When a good friend of mine told me she was afflicted with an incurable disease, I nearly cried in front of her. She'll probably never be able to have children on her own, and she'll live her days watching what she does, doing whatever possible to extend her life and quality of life. I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like... The knowledge that any day could be your last. That the sand in your hourglass is running out so much faster than everyone else, and this crazy healthy friend of yours declares she's given up and she'll never get married and never have kids even without really trying to be in a proper relationship. I would slap that friend.

I say this, but I know I need to start somewhere, which isn't likely to be anywhere anytime soon. I think I'm someone people don't want to date because I come across as a person who doesn't need anyone else? Friends have told me that I have this aura that pushes people away. As if they aren't important and I don't need them. According to them, its fine with friends because you expect to be just one of another of crowd, but with a significant other... I understand that it does get painful to be with someone who doesn't seem to need you at all.

Yet, I think its quite sad, because no matter how much I appear to not need people, I really do? I look away, but I think its because I believe you'll always be there with me? That I don't need to guard over people I love, and that they will love me and stay with me. Which leads to a lot of problems, as I have realised, because no one would feel secure with chasing mindlessly. Maybe I should have done more to give people a greater sense of security? Was I so careless to hurt people the way that I've been hurting? If so, I apologise. I'll work harder to hold your hand and never let you go. I'll do my best to let you know that you're special to me. I'll let you know I care, because you are important to me. Of course I do wonder if this alone is enough. Will I look back and think of myself as a fool for hoping people will be satisfied with this? Perhaps you might think this is unnecessary because people who want you will stay on their own. I cannot really determine the effect of this right now, but I bear with me while I try to find out if this is the right approach.

I think we are all a little stupid when it comes to things that are really important to us. Like how I smile like an idiot when I see Pooh in the morning. Like how I sometimes wish he could be with me. Like how I start crying even when I'm happy when I hear a certain song. I guess its part of me to behave in that way, and I believe there is this portion in everyone. We don't show it all the time, but it exists, nestling there in our subconcious mind. It erupts from us, and I think the part of me that I like best would be this. Not the me who can play tennis. Not the me who does Mathematics. Not the me who does the budgets. Its the girl who does laundry when she's annoyed. Its the person who studies with a pillow and a soft toy in her lap. Its the me who adds smiley faces to each message in the hopes that people don't misinterpret my moods. One individual, different facets. 

I should head to bed. Going to have breakfast with my family tomorrow morning and I should not keep them waiting while I bid fond farewells to my pillow and bed and bolster and Pooh for another few hours.

"I will wait for that time to come. I see now. Right now I am trying my best to improve myself, for myself."

Cereal

Playlist

Fire by 2NE1

Old song but I love it. The kind of song that you revisit after a while and it doesn't lose its lustre. One of the few girl bands that I listen to, so if you're not a big fan of high pitched and squeaky girls shaking their assets and not being able to sing, I'd recommend them. Doesn't hurt that the clothes they wear is pretty? Not skanky, more edgy. Shameless, unpaid advertisement. Their PR person had better thank me.

I think I grew up a little bit today. Not sure if anyone will approve, but I re-learned how to walk alone today. I typed something pretty lengthy (for Tumblr) on Tumblr, and I'm not going to repeat it here. Each post has its place, and I think it belongs there, so you can head over to read... All I'm going to say is that if you misunderstand, I'd feel sorry for you. It's not a brutual "I hate you let's split" but a more genial "I think we should reconsider how things are" post. I don't think I can ever hate you? I never actually hate the people I leave, because if I hated them, I wouldn't be with them in the first place?  I will always love the people I love, in spite of all the pain and heartache. Just my personality to do so, but it doesn't equal to staying with you. As I've mentioned, you're no longer my number one. I am. Simply because if I wasn't anyone's number one, this part of me which is insecure and immature would cringe and wither and die. So I became my number one. So in a way, I've learnt to be as selfish, and to choose my path based on where I think I want to go, rather than where you'd like me to go with you. Is this me being immature? I wonder. Because I feel part of being an adult is knowing when to stop being a bench warmer. When to stop being an option. When to stop being on the wait-list. To walk away from being the spare tire in the boot of the car who deflates while waiting to be of importance.

Anyway, killer week is over! Submitted all my reports and most of my presentations are done and over. One more to go, but then again, I've never really had stage fright so I'm not nervous... All I'm afraid of is forgetting stuff, which happens when I don't have cues or if I didn't write the part that I'm presenting. Yeah, I'm a Corp Comm major, but that doesn't mean my memory is fantastic awesome. Especially if you want me to memorise the history of commercial banking in USA and I don't have any visual cues at all. And if there are problems when setting up the laptop and I'm the first presenter? Sorry but I'm not THAT good yet. Yes, this happened to me in Finance. Major mess and I'll learn from this. Next time I'm not going to prepare one night before, no matter how last minute the meeting to consolidate is. Too much grief with no cues... Either that or I need to foresee such issues when I do slides. Stupid me...

This post is taking longer than usual because I was silly enough to paint my nails just before typing this. Which means I'm using something like 2 fingers to type. Ridiculously difficult as I don't want to scratch the still-wet nails. The lengths girls go to beautify themselves... Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself? I like painting my nails because I love the colours. The awful smell and insanely long time its takes to dry are problems that future producers of nail polish need to resolve, but the colours... I just love colours. Anyone who's ever seen me in real life would know that I always play with colours. Makes me feel good, and nail polish adds another dimension of colour to the overall outfit? If I could, I would change the colour of my polish everyday. I'd probably kill my nails with all chemicals though, so I think I'd refrain from doing so. Really hoping that people who develop nail polish can come up with a solution to its toxicity soon.

L'arc~en~Ciel live will be shown in theatres later this month! My birthday present to myself. Then again, this whole month is to celebrate my birthday! I mean, why make it a one off thing if you can drag it an entire month? Make myself happy and reward myself for surviving all the insane projects and making it to another year. Part of my policy to make myself a happier person, to cherish myself more. Not that I have been physically abusing myself, but mentally? Hating myself and reprimanding myself all the time isn't the way to go...

I think I've decided that I don't ever want to be a housewife. Taking care of my mum and brother is virtually driving me to the edge. I don't deal well with blood and sick people. Not that I cannot, but I had rather not. I feel sad if people aren't well and because I cannot do anything to help them. The feeling of helplessness is horrid. I'm not a control freak, it's just too painful to watch people suffer and there's not a thing you can do to alleviate their pain. I am not a compassionate person per se... I just don't like people to suffer from physical wounds and to look halfway to the place where no one wants to go to. Sigh. Not that I won't take care of my family, I love my family!, but I don't like doing it. I'm not that unfeeling!

"Can you hear me?"