King

Playlist

Sex Blood and Rock n' Roll by VAMPS

I went online and had a downloading spree. So now I have the full VAMPS album, Gackt's Jesus and Journey through Decade and Deluhi's Vivid Place. I love the Internet. I'm sure many share my sentiments.

One of the main reasons why I love the Internet is this site. No. It is not some spam linked site. Nor is it something against the law. Its love. Its the テニスの王子様 ~ Another Story~! You get to see freshman Atobe-sama! Kid Atobe-sama. Who was using 俺 at the tender age of 12! You get to see his sweet little face and big blue eyes, mop of hair... And the kingly attitude that garnered him over 140 thousand chocolates during the Valentine's Day poll. Yes, my dears. The KING. So what if its Ultimate King Rikkai? Yukimura is God. Sanada is Samurai. Tezuka is some old man. But Atobe-sama... Ah. Atobe-sama is KING. The sheer confidence. The flamboyance. The brains. The sporting talent. The status. The green stuff that paves his existence. I'd rather have Atobe-sama any day. Yeah. I'm super high on Atobe-sama. I mean, who can resist such a cute kid! I think Takeshi Konomi is trying to turn us fangirls into pedophiles or something. Making their diminutive versions so very charming. They are absolutely irresistable. I think the cast and producers all know we all love Atobe-sama the most. Cause it is his gorgeous face that is the background of the homepage. OMG. I think I'm going to die from happiness. I cant wait to watch the show! Atobe-sama~!

I need to go shopping. I want to go shopping. I dont need to buy the whole of Singapore. But I wanna get out to breathe the retail air. Retail therapy works. Best part is that you don't have to buy anything to benefit. Just try the clothes, shoes and preen in front of the mirror. You'll feel better. Well, as long as you a like shopping. HAHA. I mean, avoid the sales if you hate getting squished by people. And detest digging through piles of clothes for your size. Still, its an experience I have come to realise that I enjoy. Yes, contrary to popular belief, I do enjoy shopping!

What do you do when you have nowhere to go? Nothing you can do? Will you give? What can you take? What are your limits? How do you know that is your limit? What can you overcome? What cant you? I really wonder how far I can go...




"I know my love life will be smooth. Because I will always love myself even if you do not love me.Because no one will love me if I cant even love myself..."

Tear

Playlist


Uso by SID


I have been running around like a hamster in a cage for the past few days. Like a hamster, it doesn't feel like I'm going round in circles. But unlike a hamster, I know I am. An exercise in futility as Whitby says. I cannot agree with him more. Anyhow. Updates are in order.



I attended the Distant Worlds Final Fantasy concert on 23rd May, here forth known as FF concert. With Vivi and Kaen. We had Subway for dinner at Raffles City. At least Vivi and I did while Kaen was flipping through Jimmy's illustration book. Nothing noteworthy about dinner, the highlight most probably sating myself with proper food after some 6 hours. Oh. We saw LY, JC and SY. Out shopping? I have no idea. Bought HF her birthday present as well. Was not what we intended to get, but better. HF, if you are reading this, you better like your present! HAHA. On the way, we went from early to nearly late as I was sidetracked in Charles and Keith. They are having a sale, and I wanted the boots for Lulubell. I'm not sure if the colour matches my costume though. The matte version is slightly brown, while the black is patent. Patent is definitely out. All that remains is if I should get the matte. I know it wont be there anymore if I wait until July. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Should I get it? Its pretty cheap. Can someone help me decide? Thanks! :)



ANYWAY. We were at the Raffles City underpass to the Esplanade 5 minutes before the concert started. I know how Cinderella feels. When the bell chimes in the underpass, the echo effect is enough to make me sprint to the entrance. Best part, it isnt the first time either. Stupid me made us late, and we couldn't buy the FF concert art book. I know Moster's friend said that it wasn't worth getting, forty bucks and super thin, but hey! A piece of memorabilia would have been nice. Ok. Nicer than the weird looking tee shirt and a CD that doesn't seem particularly attractive. Ok. To the main topic. The music was awesome! The composer himself came down to attend! The conductor was hilarious and funny. The orchestra.... Eh. It was generally good, except for now and then when the double bassist hit the music score stand, when you could hear someone placing their feet on the floor, when people were moving around backstage... Distracting. But the quality is there. The three singers ruined a portion of the performance though. They should have stuck to the choir and the orchestra. Much better. Of course my favourite piece was One Wing Angel. I cheered so loudly that I lost my voice when the conductor announced it during the second encore. I cried with joy when I saw Sephiroth's face on the screen during the song. I know. I'm wacko about my passion. All in all, the concert was nice. I will definitely attend again.



Met Moster and some other familiar looking cosplayers during intermission. Believe me when I say that almost every other teenage girl in the toilet was discussing Cosfest costumes. Gah. Its so obvious how the cosplay community is getting increasingly mainstreamed. The attention is good. But when every other person is a Lavi, Allen, KHR character, Lelouch and CC... Things get boring. Fast. I'm not trying to be elitist, but could these people get a measure of pride? Just because you cant join an established team as a character of your choice does not mean that you have the right to overpopulate events with multiples. Spawns. Yech. Pick something more interesting? Dont just buy second hand costumes and commercially available costumes of the most epic series. Yeah, your costume is likely not to have errors. But what does it say about you? That you picked the easy way out? That you have no real pride as a cosplayer? What else does it say? I shant say it out here. Its for me to know and you to find out. After all, information, especially information that provides self awareness is the most expensive thing in the world. I dont run a charity dearies.



Moster, Viv, Kaen and I went for supper after the concert. The sheer amount Moster eats... No wonder he is a guy. One of the primary discerning criteria is the ability to consume copious amounts that will feed half a nation as a 'meal' and still maintain their body shape. Yeah. I am deadly jealous. It doesnt help that he has amazing complexion. Super fair to boot. Some days, I really wish I was born male. I can withstand NS. Its nothing much. Physically daunting in a way, but hey, its not THAT bad. Its not like the Korean and Iraqi NS. That would be tough. Took the last bus home with Viv. I find that I prattle a lot when I am with her. Not sure if its a good thing. Vivi, you should tell me if I'm getting irritating. I often realise it way to late. As usual, dawn comes too late. Still. Bus 857. Just like a month a go when we went for CATS. Had a happy time then too.



Queen just sent me my Dorothea photos. I promise to attempt to upload them soon. I know I still have loads of photos which need uploading. Most probably they will all go on Facebook. Yeah, Dorothea photos on Facebook is not a good idea. Maybe my deviantArt account. If I can somehow figure out how to use it. I dont want random people stealing my photos. At least on Facebook, I can limit who can see it. Or rather, I know how to use it. HAHA. I mean, its ok with Queen uses my photo as her wallpaper. I dont think any of my other friends will. Yes. I know you guys think I'm egoistic enough. HARHAR. Not funny. Meanwhile, you can jolly well stare at my MSN dp. Its the only one I wont mind my colleagues looking at. HAHA.



I wonder what things will be like in another 3 months. As of now, work is lessening. Japanese elementary 2 test is next week. My driving skills seem to be stuck at the beginner level. Belly dance lessons begin somewhere in mid June. I'm desperate to get my hands on my costumes. Oh yeah, this is a reminder about the boots issue. Please do give me an opinion.



Sigh. Somedays I wonder why there are so many stupid people out there with high paying jobs. I mean, they lack common sense. They arent imaginative. I think I know why. The academic type. They score in exams and are employed, although they have little social ability. Those who lose their wallets the moment they get off the airplane. Wait. I think they lose their money to those who commit daylight robbery. Ah. The simplicity of life for those who live in the world of numbers and definite rules. Where everything is black and white. Where new things are considered BAD. Oh well. We need stupid people in order for the world to function.



"Give me one good reason why I should not tear you apart."

Wrath

Playlist



N.A.



I am in a bad mood. I have no idea why. My time of the month was over long ago. I am not hungry. In fact, I had a nice lunch. Subway. Oregano, Subway Club, Sweet Onion. The set thingy. I have enough sugar. I woke up at a decent time this morning. BUT I AM SO UPSET I'M BARELY ABLE TO FUNCTION NORMALLY. I really want to know why. I am just so extremely angry. Furious about something. I'm in a mood to hit and run poor old ladies crossing the road if I drove a truck. In the mood to backstab the people around me. In a mood to throw things to the floor and MAKE SURE they break. A really scary mood. Stay away from me when I say I am in a bad mood. Its my warning to you who is a friend. I may still smile at the general public, but rest assured that I harbour murderous intentions. I am not nice. Remember that.



I have had enough of fools. Lazy fools. Silly fools. Whimsical fools. Fools in general. I must be surrounded by them. They make my life tough. My journey home sucky. My work load increase. They are a huge pain. The world should be utterly rid of them. Shoot every fool you come across and get a free gift. Monetary award. Whatever. Then we keep a few in a zoo as an exhibit to the rest of the remaining human population. A lesson to be learnt. Don't be a fool. They belong in zoos. WOW. It rhymes too. I see propoganda potential. Yes. Don't ever put me into a ruling political party. I will most probably turn into Hitler number 2 if you give me political powetr. People can speculate all they want about my sexual tendencies. After all, its worth the sheer amount of power handed to you on a platter.



Went to my tailor yesterday. Was utterly thrilled when I saw my costume under construction. All that was lacking was the collar. I had my first fitting, and as I put it on, the only thought that was running through my head was that I really wanted year end to come as soon as possible. I have wanted to cosplay as Aoi since.... Last year? Or more. I've always been intrigued my how very human Aoi is. Not like Rekka and the other Hokage who are... Err. Two-dimensional is a nice word. So unbearably flat. I love how Aoi is so conflicted. How he has no idea what he truly wants, but subconciously reaches out to others. How he really wants someone to love him. Its such a simple and real desire. We all want to be loved for who we are. We are deserve to be loved for who we are...

" Nursing my fury/ I held wrath in my arms and kissed it to sleep..."

Addict

Playlist



リヴィングデッド by Deluhi



I am addicted to rock music. Its to the extent that I have absolutely no idea how I survived before listening to rock. Pop songs sound unreal. Like they were placed through some audio editing machine before being churned out to the masses. Think fast food. Definitely not good for health. In rock music, there is this sense of humanity. Ok. I am definitely exaggerating here, but I have no idea how to put it across in any other way. So I'll just plough through and hope I do not confuse you even more. The thing is, not ALL rock music is good. Well, at least to me. Many bands lack a certain aura. An essence that differentiates them from all other entertainers out there. There doesnt seem to be a purpose behind their music. I mean, your purpose can be to not have a purpose, but it will still be a purpose. Think Versailles and their fixation with aristocracy. Yeah, Kamidjo really needs to improve, but Versailles looks like nothing but aristocracy. Their entire concept is this higher-than-thou belief coupled with the subtle hint of vampirism. Yeah. Vampires are the new polar bears. Vampires are 'in'. Hopefully werewolves and bigfoots come next. All the supernatural creatures need their turn in the moonlight.



About my addiction, I think everyone is addicted to something. It can even be an addiction to NOT being addicted to something. There are plenty of fanatics out there I tell you. I am most unfortunate to have come across quite a few of such people recently. I remember a flyer distributing girl near Somerset Mrt. She stopped me as I was hurrying to meet Vivi. Demanded that I take a flyer. Naturally, I thought it was some advertisement for a new hair salon or something, so I smiled and wanted to walk away. Well, she pressed the flyer into my stomach and said, "This is for GOD. How can you not take it?" Believe me, I was stunned. One, how the hell would I have known what its for? Two, why should I take it just because you give it to me? Three, so what if its for your God? I dont believe in your God. Why should I? Its not that I'm Buddhist, Taoist, Muslim or a Jew. I'm a car-bumper-sticker-pasting free thinker. Its not that I WANT to be without a religion. Or that I'm DESPERATELY in love with being a free thinker. Its just something that happens. If I find a religion, so be it. If I dont, I dont. Please do not try to convert me to your religious faith. I dont care if you pray to Allah, Guanyin, God or even money. Leave me ALONE when it comes to the intimate relationship with a higher being.

I wish to flatten NUS. They took so bloody long to process my application, only to reject me. Well, they could have done it earlier to save me from much grief. People DO have feelings. They could have been nice and kind and told me I was not cut out for their programme. Save me my time. Brain power. Angst. Sheesh. I think I know where I'm going to already. If there's one thing I hate more than liars and backstabbers, its people who are convinced of their own superiority. And the place is CRAWLING with them. Infested with them. Its not like they are on the kitchen floor where you can see and kill. Oh no. Its behind the stove where three hundred of them starting their very own country. Brrrr.

"I hate cockroaches. Especially big cockroaches. They make me wanna scream and tear down my house to eradicate every single one of them. I know I'm a wee bit extreme :)"

School

Playlist

The fan. The PC. Typing. WOW. A symphony.

The recent AWARE homosexuality education was the trigger. I mean, I've seen people react when I tell them I had 10 years of all girls' school education. They stare at me like I've sprouted an extra pair of eyes, hands, another mouth and have horns and a tail protruding out from my butt. HELLO. YOOHOO. Stop generalising. Girls' school education =/= LESBIAN. The dangers of stupidity. I hear parents going on and on about how they are worried their daughters will become lesbians from entering an all girls' secondary school. Well, I for one think these people should not be parents. Giving your daughters an education in an all girls' school is one of the few things you can do for her to give her a head start in life. Studies have shown that in an all female environment, girls fare better emotionally, psychologically, and most importantly of all to our kiasu parents, academically as well. Besides, saying that enrolling in an all girls' school will make your daughter lesbian is like saying your daughter will be pregnant by enrolling in a co-ed school. Both are ridiculous. And very very insulting to us who love our alma maters.

School has taught me lots of things. Math. Science. Geography. Literature. And more. Much much more. It has taught me the fundamentals of surviving in society. There are rules to be followed. Things to be noted.

In primary school, I realised that teachers, and society in general, like people who are nice and obedient. I was not. I was the trouble maker. The deviant. The one who read books in class and ignored the ramblings of the teachers. I was the one who fought in school and made people cry instead of being the one who cried. I did not do my homework, and could not be bothered with class participation. In short, I was the one the teachers wanted to throw out of class.

In secondary school, I was the model student. A hundred and eighty degree change. I was class representative for various subjects. I was one of the few who did her assignments. Paid attention. Asked questions. The goody two shoes. I was dedicated to learning. On the surface, I was as close as you could get to a model student, except that there was something stirring inside. Like a sleeping leviathan, moving past the ocean bed. I was in school to live and learn. For I believed that knowledge is power, and I definitely wanted power. I had my circle of friends who knew I was not all that met the eye. Who knew that I was different and loved me all the same. I had my violent tendencies. I was loud. Boisterous. Proud. I knew my value, and I was not afraid to let others know too. Of course I got into scrapes. I knew many people hated me. For being a know-it-all. Teacher's pet. I was sabotaged. Ostracised. I guess I learnt to nurse hatred, to turn it into sarcasm and skepticism. To hurt others where they would not discover. Subtlety. The main life skill I gleaned from secondary school was to conform to society. The fools will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. And there are SOOO many of them. So you have to plot. Scheme. Have a nice and social poker face. No one can take things away from you if you do not let them.

Junior college was different. I guess in large part because secondary school taught me that important social lesson. I saw for myself how cruel teenagers are to those who are not like them. Those who are different will be trodden upon and denounced. Simply because they stand out. I realised I did not have it in me to be this completely social animal. Inside, some part of me would die if I was to become part of the 'in' clique. So I went my own way. I was not out, but definitely not in either. I was just there. Which was a blessing because I got to know my friends. I had my clique in class, during CCA and just random people from here and there. I like my friends, because they are not wallflowers. They are people with personality. They see things the way they see them, and are not afraid of being different. Intellectuals. Confident. Still, I know that I cannot ever truly be myself in life. I try. Boy, do I try, but at some point or another, I have given in to societal pressure. To the voice of the common people. Because calling out in the middle of the storm is not a pleasant feeling at all. The sheer desolation. The utter loneliness.

I do not think my experiences were bad. They were just learning points. Like how I have become more open. More liberal. I have come to notice the smaller, more mundane things in life. I have learnt to appreciate what I have and what I can get. I am not sure if I can attribute all these to an all girls' school education, but I know for sure it has contributed to the formation of my character. I have learnt that courage is from doing that which is difficult to do, and perseverance is to stick to the path you believe in, regardless of the cost and the odds. Charity is to give from the heart, and starts from home, and not something done so that others can judge and see. Courtesy is respecting others the way I wish to be respected, and patience is... Something I still lack. HAHA.

I may be weird to many. I may have problems. I may want to tear certain people apart from limb to limb. I may be lesbian. I may be bisexual. I may be asexual. Who knows? I certainly enjoyed my years of formal education on a whole. There were times when I was all angst-y and antsy. There were time when I was all teary and troubled. Yet... On the whole, I think I loved school. I love my friends for all their love. My teachers for all their time, dedication, sadism and what-not. The school for giving me a place to belong, if not emotionally and psychologically, at least physically. I miss school.

" I wish you were here. To laugh with me. To cry with me. To be with me. I wish you were here."