Base

Playlist

Goodbye My Love by 8eight

It seems like near forever since I've last blogged. I guess this is a sign of how little I write for pleasure nowadays. Yes, contrary to popular belief, I find blogging a pleasure. What else can be better than writing your own thoughts, in your own way, with your own subject matter? Enough of academic writing. Yes, It'd help me get a job and keep it, but what is the use of a job that feeds my body if my soul is dead? None at all. I need to keep myself alive. Being alive to me is more than functioning. To me, being alive means I enjoy myself, in the long run, if not the short run. It is not materialistic pleasure. Its being happy from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. Its being able to love myself when I wake up in the morning. Something that has, unsurprisingly, been lacking recently.

There's this strange sense of loss. No, I didnt quarrel with my friends. Yes, my grades are atrocious. I think the issue is personal fulfilment. I derive very little fulfilment from what I do nowadays. On a good day, I'd possibly feel that I did something that mattered once. Absoultely pathetic. On bad days, its as if waking up in the morning was a sin to begin with. And then there are days, where every breathe I take seems to be my own futile struggle against the larger scheme of negative things to come. Am I being weak? I used to think that I was, while not strong, definitely not weak. Recently, I've felt so helpless and overwhelmed that I wonder if I've been deluding myself about my strength. I think so.

I'm injured. Scratched face. Sprained left wrist. Knees grinding. Cheer camp. They will be selecting the school team on Tuesday. I want to be chosen. But when I really think hard about it, there's no substantial benefit if I'm chosen. First off, I'd be base or backspot, and likely to hurt my wrist/arm/legs/face as I try to rescue certain people that I'd much rather let crashing to the ground. I mean. I'd save certain people regardles of what happened to me. But when you're a mean bitch who hurt my good friend, and you're pretentious and trying to make life tough for me... Honey, I'd let you fall onto the ground AND THEN FALL ON YOU. Next up, my grades suck. I need more time to revise and study... And cheer is time consuming, to say the least. Finally... I have no real passion for it. Its something that I've just to realise. I love dancing. I love translating. And most unfortunately, cheer isnt on my 'love' list. I just need the exercise, and cheer is way better than going to the gym and running around in mindless circles. All I do now is to throw people into the air mindlessly. Still, the brainless factor for cheer is lower. Although at this point in time, I'm not sure if a more intersting means of getting execise is really worth the injuries. Most probably not...

Thank you. To all the people who were there in my moments of weakness. When I had to find an avenue to release stress. For listening to me rant. For going home with me. For treating me to dessert. For going shopping with me. Most of all, for letting me know that I'm not the only one who wants us to be friends forever. I know I'm blunt. I'm high maintenance. I know I'm not always easy to get along with. So thank you for trying. I'll be nicer, without losing myself meanwhile. I want to be there with you, and I hope you'd want me there as well. After all, you've been my strength, and I would love to be your strength too. I'd be there for you if you'd give me the chance. After all, we're not bound by cruel blood, but by loving ties. If you don't know the reference, go read more fantasy literature. HAHA.

"I'd wish for a forever where we'd always be happy together..."