Cheerless

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Aririang TV (No, I'm not joking.)

I shall apologise to all of you for turning my blog into a complaint side. Its just that my blog is a reflection of my state of mind, and as is clearly evdent, I am FAR from positive recently.

I made it into the team. I'm in the junior all girls team. And everytime I think about being in the team, I have this urge to call the president and scream to her, "I QUIT!". Yeah. See the issue? I know I was all nice and enthusiastic about cheer some one month ago, so I shall now admit it to you. It was all an act. I was never deadly passionate about cheer. All I wanted to do was to join a CCA where I'd have a higher chance of potentially enjoying myself while I suffer in silence for the sake of getting into exchange. Well. I joined cheer. Potentially one of the most training intensive CCAs, and also the most dangerous sport known to college kind. Injured face? Check. Sprianed wrist? Check. Numerous bruises anywhere form torso to feet? Check. Hair yanked out? Check. What the hell am I doing? Don't ask me? I have no idea either. Which is definitely not a good sign when you consider my personality. I'm the kind of person who has her December costume ready in June. The kind of person who plans her outings two weeks before hand. The kind of person who tries to complete all her assignments the moment she gets them even when the next lesson is a week away. YES. Have you realised that something is not right? You can skip the "Are you okay?". The anwer is NO. It has been NO for quite a while, for those who are too lazy to scroll down to read the previous few posts.

One day, I think I'd either kill someone and be convicted of murder, or I'd go crazy and dash in front of a fast moving vehicle and die. Yeah. Not the nicest of ways to die. But both are very real possiblities at this point in time. Very tempting possiblities. I think cosplay is good, simply because I won't die as long as I'm holding on to my next costume. After all that time and energy and effort, no way come Hell or high water will I die before I finish that costume. Especially if it is for a photoshoot. It has come to the point that cost is almost a non-issue, as its keeping me alive and functioning for the near future. So I've decided to spread out my events so that I can spend less to achieve the same effect. This year, is definitely the last time I complete some 5 costumes in a year.

I cope in many ways, changing tactics as one fail as they are overused. Now its escapicsm. I wonder what would be next. Not like it really matters. I'd still be struggling. I need an avenue for my displeasure. I'm not a nice person naturally, so being nice is difficult without respite. Soon, I'd be snapping away at people I like. No way am I going to become HER. Therefore, can someone help me before its too late? Please?

I'm tired. Exhausted. I'm running myself ragged. Working based on my thinning sense of responsibility and morals that are quickly eroding. While I'm still sane, I'd love it if you could do something to help me. I'd follow where you take me, as long as it stops me from breaking apart. I do not want to try to put myself together again. Its not the shattering that hurts the most. Its trying to piece yourself again that is a killer. Once was bad enough. Not twice. Not again.

No stress. No expectations. I don't dare hope for anything. Because as we all were born alone to this world, I know I will die alone too. I am not afraid of death. We will all turn into dust sooner or later anyway. What are we but little bits of dust in the wide universe of time?

"The noise is killing me..."