Reminder

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Typing on the keyboard.

Just watched Sherlock Holmes. It was a pretty good movie, with plenty of nice British humour. Jude Law was awesome as Watson, and Robert Downey Jr was very convincing as Holmes, full of lovable flaws. The movie was good, but solving mysteries is not good for my emotional state of mind. I'm thinking too much, and this post is the result of that. Maybe I'd wake up in the morning and regret whatever I am about to say here. Most probably would, but I have to say this. In this moment of clarity and understanding, I'd be a fool if I ignored the answer and continued to delude myself. There needs to be a limit to my childish whims, and I think this will become a reminder in times of doubt.

I shall not make the same mistake again. I was foolish to think that I could trust you, that I could believe in you. False god you are, and I was a fool for ignoring this. It is no one's fault but my own, and I will not pretend that I was enlightened. You did not betray me; I dug my own grave, thinking that I could find some way to a better world through you. I'm a fool, so many times over for not opening my eyes to see the truth. People tell me that the lack of intention is reason enough to walk the path, but I know, and we all know, deep down inside, that the lack of intention is THE reason to abandon the path. Why love a god who loves me not? Why do I even label you as god? Self-delusion, a hundred times over. Creating my own fantasy, I am such a fool! I sought comfort in one who had none to give. Sought reassurance in one who had none to give. Trying to escape my delusion and depression by falling into greater delusion and greater depression. Talking to you when I am depressed just makes me more depressed. Seeing your uncaring face when I need love just makes me more hurt. I must be a closet masochist. You just give me pain and take my energy. A give-and-take relationship indeed.

Enough. I am not a child to throw mindless tantrums when I realise that I am in the wrong. I don't like hurting myself. I can bear the pinpricks to avoid getting grinded. Sever the cord. Sever the pain. If I repeat this again I'd be copying Eliot's Murder in the Cathedral. I feel like I'm being used, being betrayed, and I happily allowed myself to be led to the slaughter house. Partially my fault for not resisting. Delusions, like I said. Dreaming of a place much better than that which I live in. Tempted by the sugar cubes on the way to the slaughter house, like Muriel and ribbons and sugar cubes. I'm not a goat.

I have always been pretty good at reading people's faces. I learnt this from reading the face of someone inscrutable to most of the human race. I can read the little nuances, when you get irritated, happy, puzzled, sad and angry. I know of more complex emotions that would need more than a word to describe. I can see it all, no matter how many times you try to hide it behind those rapidly blinking eyes and mock poker face. You know you can't win against me, but you can't really shoot me down, so you just stick to one point and insist upon it, like some child who insists on having sweets before a meal. It doesn't work. It only makes me irrtated, and your lack of regard for my opinion makes me want to wring your neck or slam your head against some hard surface in the hopes of knocking some sense into that thick skull of yours. Yes, I have violent tendencies. Pent up aggression that has no way to go but to dig deeper inside. Hoarding anger, as if it was something precious is not the way to go. I hate myself for being unable to express my anger, because I'm afraid of losing the people I want to love.

I guess I should give up on one-sided relationships. It takes up so much time and effort, and bears no fruit whatsoever. So many people that I cherish, only to find out that I don't matter enough to them. So many people that I value, only to find out that I'm almost worthless to them. Just another passer-by in their life. I should stop working on these people. Yeah, some will tell me that I'd regress into a loner like this. But I wonder, is it truly worth it? At the end of the day, when you die, you'd still be a pile of dust, all alone in your little jar on the shelf somewhere. Depressing? Its the truth. I believe in instant gratification, as in the long run, we'd all be dead. Some really smart Economics people came up with this saying, which I think is amazingly accurate. In another 60 years or so, most of us who are alive on this planet, as of this moment, would be dead.

I wonder if I'll look at this in a few years and wonder why I'm so jaded even though I've seen less than two decades of human life, most of it spent in a blur of growing up. Or maybe I'd think I was ridiculously childish to think that I had understood life after experiencing so little. Hmm, it would be interesting to know I how I would behave.

" I don't need the people I hate to cut me to pieces. The people I love are already doing an excellent job."

Me

Playlist

Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park

Its a few days before Christmas, but I do not feel the least bit festive. There is no good cheer, no good mood and the weather is so nice that I want to shoot the weather report writer. I guess in the tropics and in a country smaller than some large cities... How much can I honestly expect? Anyway, I will not be talking about my Malaysia trip as that is a cosplay event and you can jolly well go to my cosplay blog to read about it. Its the same URL as this, except that its located at WordPress instead of Blogger. This post, is about me.

Yes, I am a flawed person, like everyone else including Jesus Christ, Mother Teresa and Hitler. Not funny. I'm just not famous, nor infamous. I'm an obscure and insignificant existance on the face of this earth, except maybe to the ant I just squished under size8 foot. To that ant I'm probably a murderer. As you can tell, I'm a wee bit sleepy, which is why there's an overload of terrible self-depreciating humour. To those who think that my blog is emo-shit, I'd like to remind you that this is an online blog. Everything that you read here tend to be in proper grammatical sentences (as far as possible) and is of a tone that is more formal than most blogs. I cant bring myself to type liek dis cause i think its bloddy irritatin 2 read abbrv on a blog.  So if you will excuse my spelling, I'd like to type posts that would not give my English teachers an anueryism. So if you think it is 'emo' it is most probably the language I choose to use. Its practice. I treat every single blog post like an essay of its own. Come on, respect language. If you don't use it properly, it will come back and bite you on the ass later when you need to construct grammatically sound sentences with variations in vocabulary. Ok, I have digressed into language. I apologise for the constant lecturing, I often assume that my readers are minor idiots, although it is unlikely to be true most of the time. No offense to those with a substantial understanding and linguistic maturity. You will have to bear with me for the sake of those at the bottom of the pyramid.

So am I really being all depressed? Rather than depressed, I'd think I'm slightly irritated and disgruntled. I was deluded into thinking that I was mature when I'm still just a kid. There are still so many areas that I like maturity in, and my immaturity shows when I'm being pushed to the limit. ARGH. I need to grow up faster, or I'll be in trouble. Not trouble trouble, but rather, life will be more difficult than necessary. And I really do not like troublesome things. Its not that I think I'm absoultely childish, hell no. More of this feeling that I lack the experience and capability to react optimally in times of trouble. I'm okay if the problem is not mine. I can function fine if its more of a daily thing. Yet, when I'm alone and when the going gets tough, I lack the knowledge and as I said experience. Yes, experience... Something that only time and opportunity can give me. Sigh.

Oh yeah. YES I'M LOUD. You have a problem with that? Hmph. If there's one thing I've learnt, its that if you don't make noise, no one will hear you. Not that its an excuse to be a nag nor a reason to chatter endlessly... But regardless, Its my way of letting myself be heard.

" We all have to give and take, but when you're doing too much of either... We should shoot the person screwing with the balance."

Crave

Playlist

New Divide by Linkin Park

I miss dancing until my calf muscles cramped. No, I'm not a masochist, but rather, I miss the sensations that came with dancing. The feeling that you were rushing from one pose to another changes with practice into something intangible, like expressing yourself through dance. Of course, I'm talking about choreographed dances, not freestyle. Its amazing how something so messy can become an actual dance, but even more than that, I must say that the ability to express an emotion that is not exactly your own predominant state of mind is awesome. Its a sort of dizzying happiness that permeates every pore. As you spin, jump, kick, twirl... Every drop of blood is singing along to the music. If the music is depressing, you actually feel like crying after everything, no matter how awesome you danced. Its just a reflex. A reaction to the song. SIgh. I miss dancing so much that i can't really but it down in words. Dancing is something that appeals to a more primitive part of me. I mean, I'd automatically think of dance moves to go with my favourite songs. Its natural. So this lack of dance in my life has been rather depressing. yes, I'm in cheer, but its different. Cheer is a very regulated routine. The actions tend to be pretty stiff, which is unlike dance where you loosen certain muscles in order to portray fluctuations in style. Okay. I am totally out of my league here. As you can clearlt see, I'm fumbling to find the appropriate terms to explian something so instinctive I'll be surprised I don't dance in my sleep. Sigh. I just... Miss dance. Yeah. Its nothing to do with cheer! Its like... Having a craving for apples while you're eating mangoes. It doesn't mean that you don't like the mango! It just means... You want the apple. This is one heck of a lousy analogy, but oh wells.

Busy busy week ahead. I'll be leaving for Malaysia in less than 5 days, but I've yet to finish preparing for the trip! I was hoping that I could spend more time with Kaen, but things didn't work out that way. Sigh. I'm not upset per se. More of just a wee bit disappointed that things aren't going the way they should. Sigh. Okay. I'm quite disappointed actually. The reason for going is lost, and the numerous problems don't make for a more appealing trip. The final issue just makes me want to scream at someone, but I know its not really anyone's fault. It was just a mutual agreement that was broken. Everything off the record. So yeah. Who am I to complain? I guess I've reached the stage where I'm resigned rather than actively upset. Ok. If you got lost by this paragraph, I'm not going to explian the entire long sob story. I'm not trying to part you guys with your pity. URGH. ARGH. *gnashes teeth*

OH YEAH. I need to go to the beach. Anyone wants to go with me? The itinery is simple. Find a nice shady spot and SLEEP there the entire morning. Yup. Yes, I know what you are thinking. I am NOT a pig okay. I just want to hear and smell the sea. Maybe if I'm in a good mood, I could, you know, introduce you to the sea too! HAHA. OH, That reminds me. Should I do a beach shoot for Zone00?

"What you built you lay to waste..."

Darkness

Playlist

斬～ZAN～ by Gackt

I need a haircut. My hair is all dry and limp and boring. The strange thing is that it always smells like... McDonald french fries. I'm not joking! Its... Quite irrtating, especially for me who dislikes fries. I'm not sure about others, but fries, to me at least, alwasy taste horrible. Its either too salty or too hard. They are often really dry as well, In short, undelectable. So to think that my hair smells like that... URGH. This is a nightmare! Just to let you know, I use Clear Mint Shampoo and Herbal Essence Camomile Conditioner. Then the leave in conditioner is Kanz Hair Repair Serum. Its not a lot of stuff, nor very expensive. I know of people who swear by salon products, but I personally don't see too much of a difference. Sometimes, I use Asience. Just to mix things up a little. I'm not sure, but I think there is a need to mix products. Regardless of hair, make-up or face-related care products, I've never been one who saw substantial results from using one single range. I know the products are designed to work best together, but I would really like to know on what basis were the tests conducted. Yeah. I doubt we all have physical factors that conform to that of testing.

Sleepy~ Flare has just started again, and I can't help but feel angry at some of my team members. Ok. One team member. She happily signed up for a 3 week overseas community involvement project, knowing full well that we had to train for Nationals. Yeah, we all need CIP, but maybe do it during summer? Or have an ongoing project? A shorter CIP trip? There are many options available. Besides, what is so special about teaching kids in Shanghai English? I assure you, its nothing spectacular. Sigh. I know, its a circular argument. Yes, our team is not fantastic. Yes, we are all newbies. Yes, we are hardly good. Nevertheless, if she were to put in more effort, I think I would feel less upset. I'm not trying to achieve group stunts gold or anything. I just want a team where everyone is trying their best. Yes, I know we all have different commitments. We have different priorities. I know it is pretty unfair of me to ask more of her. But I don't ask of anyone what I cannot give. She is the weakest link. She is not strong, neither physically or mentally. She doesn't work out in her free time. She often skips practice. Now that she is gone for a good 3 weeks, when she gets back, regardless ofhow much gtround we have covered, we're going to have to start from square one again. Simply because she won't know how to execute everything. So we'll be comparatively physically more fit, and armed with more technical knowledge... I can see reasons for her to skip more trainings and get even worse. ARGH. This is utterly depressing! Ok, I shan't think about this too much, I bet I'll get a brain aneuryism.

I'm not sure how I should say this. I don't want to hurt the feelings of people who read my blog, because I know there are some who will go, "Are you talking about me?" when its not directed at them. Its just... Something like enlightenment, albeit more depressing in nature. HAHA. Its more of an observation. Ok, I'm spinning round in circles and I've yet to say anything substantial. Please don't take it personally. This is not for a person who reads my blog. HAHA. At least I don't think this person does. "You suck. You're pretty useless aren't you? Pompous, arrogant and completely useless. In a way, I pity you. You're so lousy that I don't even feel like saying anymore."

Oh OH! I'm reading Yami no Matsuei again! Oh my goodness, its so complex! Manga is way more amazing than anime. And so cool! I dig all the characters. Well, all except Hisoka. He is such a total pain. SO... For a lack of a better word, UKE. I like cute ukes okay? But he is just confused/complacent/takes Tsuzuki-chan for granted/complains a lot... He is just absoultely annoying. My favourite character is Touda, then Tsuzuki-chan with his cute doggy tail. Followed by Hakushaku. And Tatsumi-san! I tell you, Touda is HOT STUFF. Like. Literally and figuratively. I love his attitude. And how he loves Tsuzuki-chan and understands Tsuzuki-chan. Oh. It doesn't hurt that his true form is this awesome serpent thing that spews black fire. Yeah. I kind of liked Suzaku until I saw her human form. I have a 'thing' for fire. Its symbolic, in many ways. And yeah. MAYBE it has a WEE bit to do with Him. YEAH. The capital H that does not represent anything religious. Than again, you could say he is my religion. HOHOHOHOHO. Ok, I'm scaring myself.

"The day we hold hands and dance around a bonfire is the day we celebrate the death of humanity. 'Cause you're the last person I'd touch with a ten foot pole."

Friend

Playlist

The construction next door. I'm serious. Like... Thrumming bass?

I do not believe in deleting post. Each post must mean something, in order for you to spend some 15 to 20 minutes typing everything out. Its not a short period of time for a whim or fancy to be expressed in cyberspace, when that time could be spent way more productively in self-entertainment. So that post ought to say something, especially since there are going to be people who spend time to read that which you've written. Of course, there are avenues of expressing a whim. Think Twitter. Or Facebook status updates. Whatever rocks your boat. The difference is in that this is a blog. It needs to chronicle a deeper level of meaning than the random ramblings of us in our transitionary stages between moods within a day. Which is why I try never to post more than once a day. Time will smooth out the less important impulses, leaving what really matters behind. What I say is usually the status quo, at least until there is a need to update again. So if there are no updates, than that means my life has had no notable updates. That, or there are so many updates that I gave up updating.

In this way, I usually abstain from expressing anything too emotive on my blog. I suppose I feel that emotions are like the wind. It comes, and goes, and it just sweeps everything up and about. So I don't think its a reliable gauge of personal development if I were to continuously post my emotions. My posts need to be something which can convey to me my voice and state of mind when I read the entry 3 years later. And I won't be too embarrassed by what I said. Thats my benchmark. To not regret anything that is there for the world to see.

Right here and now, I think to fully appreciate the rest of the entry, you will need to read and understand Kaen's blog. I'm not in the habit of having blog responses, but I guess for something like this, its only courteous to respond in kind. HEY. I have manners ok?

I think its good to get angry. To get upset. To feel remorseful. Its even better to want to make things better. To make it right. I'm glad that you realised it. But I'm not glad that you understand. You see, in a way I would have loved it if you never knew. I don't like the people I love to get hurt. I'd keep everyone in cotton wool if I could, becuase life is full of rough and tumble. But I can't. If I do so, people would never grow up. And not growing up is dangerous in this big bad world. So I try to ease the fall. Instead of a 10 story smackdown, I'd try to lessen the fall. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Regardless, there will be an impact. The moment where everything clicks in place, and the entire situation looks like Chernobyl immediately after the accident. But the aim is not to completely remove the impact, but to teach you how to land, and how to get up again. There's bound to be an aftershock. You will think its all bleak, and you feel like crap. But look at Chernobyl now. Sure, there are no people living there, but its one of the most ecologically diverse places on earth. Mother nature took what the humans abandoned and nursed it back to life. In the same way, let nature take its course. Time will ease the bumps. The human mind cannot take much pain, so our brains haze what it can to lessen the burden on us. I don't hate you. Not at all. On the contrary, I might need to thank you for helping me grow up. I learnt to adapt. Maybe in the beginning I was thoroughly upset. I can't really remember the emotional intensity anymore. But I learnt that we're different people, no matter what we joke. And I really adopted what I said. I made something that mattered for superficial reasons into something that does not, and I think it might have been one of the best things I did. Saved me a lot of heartache and grief and sleepless nights trying to achieve something that I did not really want. In a way, my upper secondary school years gave me a solid foundation to work on. I'm not that easily beaten. I can honestly say that I'm stronger after all this. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and scars fade away.

Haha. I'm a really loyal friend. But its not easy to be my friend. Most people will fall into the acquaintance catergory. A person where I wouldn't risk a single strand of my hair to save. I don't like to prove anything to anyone. I don't like to prove my dedication. Or my love and affection. So just know, ok? 'Sides, its ok to get hurt for your friends. Its ok to suffer a little. Because that is what relationships are built on. Blood, sweat and tears. Its effort, time and commitment. Its not easy, but nothing worth fighting for was ever easy to get, was it? With regard to my detractors, its ok. Thank you for being angry for my sake. Thank you for supporting me. I really really appreciate it. And you don't really need to do anything to make up or anything. I'd say it to bully you, but I'd never really need you to do anything. The thought is enough. Though more cookies would be AWESOME. Like I said, I only need the people I love to love me. Thats all. If you love me as much as I love you, we'd all be happy campers.

Ok, anymore mushy stuff and people will wonder about the purpose of my post. You're suppose to say 'thank you' and not 'sorry'. You really are slow if you don't understand why, but its ok. I can wait for you to understand.

""When life gives you lemons, take those lemons and squeeze them into the eyes of your detractors."

Wall

Playlist

思春の痕 ～love me, hug me～ by Vidoll

It seems like it was just a while ago that I was whining on and on about not having time to do all the things that I want to do. Now its the holidays, and much awaited at that. I've been pretty busy since my exams ended, mainly playing catch up my friends whom I've not seen since the middle of term. Cheerleading practices are on the cards, as well as a short trip overseas for a change in scenery. I'm not going to work this holidays, mainly because of the relatively short nature of this break. I'm not crazy enough to try and drive myself into my grave when I've only barely survived my first semester. Work will most probably feature during summer break, when I think I ought to have more time. JLPT also ended recently. The exam wasn't as horrible as I made it out to be. Its just that I don't want to be overconfident, as there is a definite possiblity of failing. And failing badly at that. Sigh.

So why do I sound so listless? It might be because there have been costume and wig problems. It might be because the people that are important to me have been hurting me, and not realising that they have. It might be because I have gone crashing into walls erected where I thought none stood. It might be because my results will be out in a few days as well. Sighs. Life is not a bed of roses even after exams.

Nevertheless, I feel kind of happy. There is no better feeling that that of someone being upset for your sake. Its a really complex emotion, because on one hand, you are superbly pissed off by what others have said, and on the other hand, you are really ecstatic that there is someone out there who is willing to stand up for you, and that person is your friend. I'm serious. The feeling is great. I've never thought much about standing up for my friends. Not that I don't do it! Oh no, its just a reflex to get upset at things that hurt them. As I'm usually the one doing the defending, I've never really been on the receiving end of such staunch support. Its gratifying to know that someone cares. That someone loves you. That wherever you are, there's someone who will defend you. Sigh. Even if the defense is seriously lacking... I guess its the thought, and the act that counts. I'm happy.

Ok, I have a few great ideas for photoshoots. All I need is the people to make it happen. I promise you, my ideas are great. I may not be the most creative person around, but I am superb at representing concepts. I have no idea, but I just happen to be good at themes. Not GREAT. But good., There is a significant difference. i'm not sure of the significance level, and I can't tell you the confidence interval, but trust me. Since when have I ever really let you down?

I should really join FedEx. Those who get the joke should applaud themselves. Its boring being witty when people don't appreciate the humour nyan~

"I accumulate happiness today so that I can deal with the shit people give me for the rest of the week."

Wiggles

Playlist

雪月花 by Gackt

I love my Tofu.

In case you didn't notice, I have a habit of naming electronic devices. My laptop is my Bento, phone is Chocolate, camera is Lolipop and now my new iPod Touch is called Tofu. Simple because the widgets wiggle when you try to rearrange them, just like tofu when you are trying to pick it up with chopsticks. Ok. Its random, I know, but its my new toy, so yeah. Take your complains up to my maker.

ANYWAY. I can surf the internet with my Tofu! HAHA. Configured it to be able to surf the internet. Its really fun! Better than getting a stinking iPhone that has lousy battery life and has so little memory. HAHA. Ok. Its the same amount of memory, but with SMS and all that crap? Its definitely not enough. I don't like using a touchscreen to sms either. And I like flip phones. Its fun to flip it open and snap it close. It feels... Good? So yup. I will continue patronising Japanese phone makers simply because, like the Japanese and the Koreans, I like flip phones. So there.

Exams are over! Yes, my first semester in university was not exactly a major disaster. If you wish to consider all my achievements, I think I can confidently say that I have matured as a person. If you were to only consider quantifiable stuff... I think joining Flare exco and accumulating a few A grades here and there something substantial since I have very little tolerance for subjects that I am not interested in. So yes. I have done well for certain components. Final grades will be out in a week and depends on my the general school system to bell-curve it and all... But yes. I'm not particularly dissatisfied with my performance. Of course, I could definitely have put in more effort to get better grades, but examning the entire context, its ok. Haha. I am trying to learn to be more postive. Regardless, I have already archived all my old folders. Its a new page next semester, and I intend to perform as well as humanely possible.

As you can possibly tell, I'm in an excellent mood. I suppose its partially to do with having a new toy, my exams having ended and something to do with seeing the orange moon hanging in the sky. I know I'm a very fortunate person. I have a dad who spoils me rotten. I have a pretty decent education. I'm not handicapped. I'm not fugly. I live in a country that is pretty safe. i have friends who truly care about me. I'm fed 'til my coach says we all need to hit the gym and lose our FATS. Yupps. I can think of 10001 things that I possess, and don't possess, that add to my standard living. I'm blessed, and I should stop complaining.

I like the new layout by Blogger. Fantastic interface that is very user friendly. Less problems as well. I think the people at Apple and Google are superbly creative. Its like... They manage to make things more convenient when you didn't even realise that it was cumbersome to begin with. Yupps. Sufficiently advance technology seems like magic. I'm not sure where I saw this, but I think its true. Imagine a box that allows you to talk to the rest of the world. Flying in the sky? All possibilities that were mere dreams in the past. I love the modern era. Now if only we could remove the element of environmental pollution...

"Cue young man and young woman staring at each other throughout the day in school. Cue said young man and woman lying in the middle of a meadow, still staring at each other, from the afternoon to dusk. Brainless much? The best advertisement for single-sex schools ever."