Journey

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The Umbrella of  Glass by Versailles

Its recess week! 

Yeah, that is the only exorbitantly overjoyed expression that you will ever be able to squeeze out of me these days. Its as if I have forgotten the concept of a holiday. Why do I say that? I'm thinking of taking summer classes.Yes, go ahead and be horrified. You should, after all, its like one presenation every week, one report every other day, and the exam one month from the first day of class. Its not easy, and I'll need to pay extra $900 for that one module. So why do I want to do this to myself? I'm afraid of too much stress should I be crazy enough to take two majors. Yes, two majors. Double the workload, triple the stress, quadruple the difficulty. Yes. My precious summer break after suffering at the hands of school related stuff for an official 32 weeks, I'm going to subject myself to another 6 weeks of NIGHTMARE. I think I must have gotten more stupid after entering university. Either that or the lack of sleep is impeding my ability to think. Either that or my cheer flyers have fallen on me and killed one too many brain cells.

I wonder what is appealing about me. I mean, I'm not pretty. I'm not exceptional in any way. But there are people who still like me. Personally? I think I'd think I'm too much of a pain to be a friend with. So what if I'm loyal and dedicated and all? I think its all over-rated, in many ways. Can someone please enlighten me?

Its strange how I'm so eager to cosplay nowa days. It used to be a twice a year thing. Now its so often and intersped between all the free periods that I used to have as breathers that I can hardly get a proper rest. Yes, it is a hobby, but I think I'm at the edge of the line between passion and over-doing. If I have around 3 photoshoots within the first half of the year, and considering that classes start from the first week of January, and if we include the infamous amount of work I need to put in for my school... I might be over doing it by a weeeeee bit. I've already cleared one costume this year. There are about 4 more to go. 4 costumes a year. I think I need to get my head examined. I'm seriously messed up.

I wonder if this is a sign of emotional instability or some other coping mechanism or another. I say that I'm going to quit as a 'reason', as an excuse to cosplay to my heart's content. Indeed, I will feel really sad when I really quit the scene. I've made many friends, met many people, learnt a lot, seen a lot. I think cosply, or rather the community, taught me how to interact better with others. Where every word you say is a potential land mine, and where every word you say matters more. And where every word you say loses its meaning so quickly that you might as well have never said anything, and where the things you do are over looked and neglected. Where the people magnify many many things, and kindness pops out at the most unexpected places. It wasn't all fun and games, but I think its something that's like a baptism by fire or something. Makes the socially inept people more adept at navigating the tricky waters of social activity. Hyper-awareness kicks in now and then, and you see this world in this surrealness that is so beautiful, and yet, utterly forlorn. I don't think I'm making sense to a lot of you, but there are moments of glaring clarity and insight. Like I said, I cosplay to find myself in all the roles that I play. No, it isn't about showing off or showing skin or announcing my difference to the wide world. I'm looking for myself.

"A journey that does not end."

Honest

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Konayuki by Remioromen

Right now, I am supposed to be doing my two chapters of Law readings. But as you can see from this post, I am most evidently not doing that. Just bear with me for a while. I'll hurry back to my thick and unappetizing law textbook soon.

I have never been in a 'real' romantic relationship. I have never loved any guy that was real and not related to me by blood. I have never had crushes on my seniors. Nor 'that hot guy'. Nor someone's boyfriend. I have never been nervous in front of any guy, save my family, especially my dad, when I was young and trying to filch more food/ lie, my Aikido peers and seniors when I was trying to smoke some technique and recently, my teachers/ professors when I'm trying to smoke through a presentation. Yeah. In other words, I was not brought up to be conscious that I was a 'girl' and that there were something different known as 'guys'. So when I see my girl friends giggling nervously about someone or another, I can only pretend that I know why they behave that way and participate in a similar manner. Its called peer pressure, and if I learnt anything from my social education, you have to conform to a certain degree to survive.

So if you were to fangirl over some musician or actor or book or character, I can empathise; I'd even join you, as I do feel that emotional high. But, if it was a real person, and you pointed him out to me, for the life of me, I wouldn't be able to tell you if he was 'hot' or 'cute' or whatever. I could tell you if he was kind, considerate, or a bastard, a jerk, but I couldn't gauge his physical attractiveness for you. I'd tell you I like guys who have deep voices, based on the kind of music I like. I'd tell you I like responsible and mature guys, and who wouldn't? But if I were to fall head over heels in love? I think, so far... None. Of course, I often give relationship advice to friends who ask it of me. Hey, I'm a logical, rational and mature individual. I can tell you if someone is bad for you, and outline a few things you can do. If I can't give you advice, I can always lend a shoulder, a helping hand, a listening ear... That's me being me. I'm dutiful, loyal, caring... HEY. I'm NOT A DOG.

Nevertheless, regardless of all these, you need to know that I have never been in a romantic relationship. Emotional maturity and logic can only go so far without experience. There are many times when I have no idea what to do for my friends who are stuck in a rut; I simply cannot comprehend the magnitude of emotion. I do not understand the foolish things that you do in the name of love. The silliest thing I've done in a similar context is probably to plaster my room with Laruku posters and call it a shrine. Or perhaps write sappy fanfictions in secondary school to express my loneliness and desire for acceptance. It was always very self-centred and microscopic. Which is why I think I'm not cut out for romantic love.

I've been told that I'm cute. I've been told that I clean up well. I've been told that I'm interesting. I've been told that I'm pretty (with make up). I've been told that I'd make a good wfe and mother. I've also been told that I'm too aggressive. And that I'm too loud and raucious. I've been told that I'm noisy. I've been told that I'm arrogant. I've been told I'm demanding. I've been told that I'm weird. So? Who am I? All of these, plus some more. I'll show you all my flaws. i've nothing to hide, because this is who I am. But don't forget, I have my strenghts as well. Don't put me into a box, and pretend that you know everything about me. Even I don't know everything about me, so don't try. Let me fly free, and if you're lucky, I'll keep you entertained and let you see things you've never seen before.

Thank you.

"If I can't be honest with myself, than everything in the world is meaningless..."

Lunar

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sleep by SID

Its Lunar New Year. or Spring Festival as its known in Mandarin. To celebrate the coming of spring, which I think is kinda silly since its still snowing in most parts of China, but hey, who am I to comment on what my ancestors decided upon? Anyway, Lunar New Year is a time of the year where the whole family gets together to celebrate, eating home-cooked meals, gambling, socialising, talking... Just having fun and celebrating the fact that there are ties that bind. 

At least, that is what its suppose to be about.

I'm not sure about most other people, but I think I can safetly say that Lunar New Year gets increasingly irritating as you get older. Every year that I grow older, I see the elders get frail and wrinkly. I see the elders shrinking, losing their essence. The more I see them, the more I want to spend time with my grandparents. I know that they don't have much time left, and I want to hold on to them with everything that I have. I've always been like this. Very emotional about the people that I love, and utterly oblivious to strangers. I'm not sure if I'm compassionate; I'm definitely not caring though.

I watch my younger cousins and family friends grow up like bean sprouts, and even my younger brother, whom I see everyday, is growing up so fast. I want to be there for every moment that matters, but that is as likely to be possible as me making the Dean's list. HAHA. I see them all growing up, so full of hope and innocence, and I want them to keep their precious untainted soul. I don't want them to become jaded like us...

It is so obvious that my parents and aunts/uncles are aging. They are losing physical ability, and in a bid to hold on to their youth, I often see them do and say all sorts of silly things. I see a loneliness that is inpenetratable, because in their quest for something or another, these adults have given up things that are coming back to bite them. They are different from the elders. The senior citizens have come to terms with their losses, because they know they do not have time to mope. It is often the adults, and their unconscious belief that things can still the way they were in the past that is frightening. I hear the delusion, the utter faith in their ability, the determination to keep things the way they are. If there was a god that they prayed to, it would be themselves. Some of them are more aware, but there are those who are stumbling into the very traps that they claim to abhor. Maybe I lack faith in myself. Maybe I ought to be more determined. Maybe I'm the one who is really and truly flawed. I can't really know. But its not everyone, and it is my conviction that it is only a few of them that is slightly comforting to me as evidence that I've not lost my full bag of marbles, at the very least.

I think growing up hurts. Its a weight that bears down on you. Life often seems to be a really cruel experience that we are all put through, as if we are suppose to gain a secret prize for hitting the pinata blind. I'm not sure, but I think its not fun if everytime you missed, you get an electric shock? But in many ways, this is the way we live.We complain, but nothing really changes. We try to change things here and there, but its like reducing the strength of the current rather than removing the current. The shock remains. All we need now is a hide that is thick enough.

"Since when did the two of us become only one?"

Personal

Raison D'Etre by Dir En Grey

I now know that I need freedom. I need to be able to do the things that I want to do without having to account for them to 300 other people. I dislike having to explain everything I choose to do, because some of these were done due to an intuitive leap of logic and understanding. Some are due to impulse. I cannot explain to you why I would want to buy a blue jacket. I could tell you that its pretty or cool, but what was it that could convince me to part money is beyond me. Ask a psychologist. Just stop nagging and chasing after me for an explaination. I'm using a very domestic example because the other examples are likely to insult more people than I can possibly afford to insult. I don't want you to silence my windchime. I don't want you to ask me why I have to arrange my driving exam around Chinese New Year. I don't want you to ask me why I'm always so busy. I don't want you to ask me why I have so many things on my plate. I don't want to be nice to you only because I need to have a good grade. Like I said previously, I think I should become a hermit. University is starting to make the draws of hermit-hood apparent to me.

I think I am an introvert. I need alone time to recharge and make my moods less turmultous. I need alone time to think through my decisions. And I do these best if I'm provided with music or manga or TV or a book. While I lose myself in something else, my subconcious recharges and sorts out my problems, to a certain degree. Its like what they say, sleeping on a problem helps you to solve it. As for me, not thinking about it helps. Not like its possible with all the constant reminders everywhere I turn to look. I know extroverted people are externally motivated, but could they pity the people like me? Stop blaring messages everywhere you go! I need peace and quiet with myself!

I hate myself for taking my anger out on others. I thought I stopped the habit, but its back, apparently. I dislike the word apparently as weel, but I just used it... So. I know what this says about me, and I don't like it one bit.

" Pressure is good in an optimal amount. Anything more will result in a nuclear meltdown. Remeber that."

Hermit

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Cars on the road...

I'm so tired of social conventions. Social norms. I'm so tired of being someone who is 300 times more polite, more couteous, kinder and nicer than I really am. Its not a one hour thing. Nor a one day thing. Nor a one weke thing. I've been trying so hard, and putting in so much effort to tone down. I've been wearing away my natural response to create something that is artificial and acceptable by the general public. If this continues, I am about to become one of those personality-less people who walk around. There's no soul, no character. All that exists is a creature that eats, breathes and performs the basic functions expected of it. What is the purpose of such an existence?!

I come with a few barbs. I come with a few soft spots. I come with my strengths and weaknesses, and I know I'm not perfect. But what does it mean when I try to remove all the bumps in my personality to create something else? i think I come across as a stereotype to most people. That I fill the space of girl-with-a-mad-interest-for-all-things-Japanese. What in the world does that mean? I'm expected to have weird ideas. And do silly things. I'm the girl with the somewhat funky hairstyle who's, not stupid but not smart, and makes a lot of noise. Something like that. I'm sick an tired of whatever there is on my plate at this point in time. I see no purpose in whatever it is that I am doing. I can hardly find any join. Cheer is a form of escape. Cosplay is another problem. Music numbs the pain. But nothing really removes the root of the problem! The problem? Is people.

On a side note. This. Mixed team should consist of 5 members including 3 (three) male or
maximum 2 (two) females. What shall I do? Shall I quit? Since I'm practically useless?

I need to sleep and think about this. Just because my Buisness Law presentation is over does not mean that life is now better. Its not. Whoever said that university is like breezing through air has obviously never seen a typhoon.

"My new goal in life is to become a hermit."