Personal

Raison D'Etre by Dir En Grey

I now know that I need freedom. I need to be able to do the things that I want to do without having to account for them to 300 other people. I dislike having to explain everything I choose to do, because some of these were done due to an intuitive leap of logic and understanding. Some are due to impulse. I cannot explain to you why I would want to buy a blue jacket. I could tell you that its pretty or cool, but what was it that could convince me to part money is beyond me. Ask a psychologist. Just stop nagging and chasing after me for an explaination. I'm using a very domestic example because the other examples are likely to insult more people than I can possibly afford to insult. I don't want you to silence my windchime. I don't want you to ask me why I have to arrange my driving exam around Chinese New Year. I don't want you to ask me why I'm always so busy. I don't want you to ask me why I have so many things on my plate. I don't want to be nice to you only because I need to have a good grade. Like I said previously, I think I should become a hermit. University is starting to make the draws of hermit-hood apparent to me.

I think I am an introvert. I need alone time to recharge and make my moods less turmultous. I need alone time to think through my decisions. And I do these best if I'm provided with music or manga or TV or a book. While I lose myself in something else, my subconcious recharges and sorts out my problems, to a certain degree. Its like what they say, sleeping on a problem helps you to solve it. As for me, not thinking about it helps. Not like its possible with all the constant reminders everywhere I turn to look. I know extroverted people are externally motivated, but could they pity the people like me? Stop blaring messages everywhere you go! I need peace and quiet with myself!

I hate myself for taking my anger out on others. I thought I stopped the habit, but its back, apparently. I dislike the word apparently as weel, but I just used it... So. I know what this says about me, and I don't like it one bit.

" Pressure is good in an optimal amount. Anything more will result in a nuclear meltdown. Remeber that."