Honest

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Konayuki by Remioromen

Right now, I am supposed to be doing my two chapters of Law readings. But as you can see from this post, I am most evidently not doing that. Just bear with me for a while. I'll hurry back to my thick and unappetizing law textbook soon.

I have never been in a 'real' romantic relationship. I have never loved any guy that was real and not related to me by blood. I have never had crushes on my seniors. Nor 'that hot guy'. Nor someone's boyfriend. I have never been nervous in front of any guy, save my family, especially my dad, when I was young and trying to filch more food/ lie, my Aikido peers and seniors when I was trying to smoke some technique and recently, my teachers/ professors when I'm trying to smoke through a presentation. Yeah. In other words, I was not brought up to be conscious that I was a 'girl' and that there were something different known as 'guys'. So when I see my girl friends giggling nervously about someone or another, I can only pretend that I know why they behave that way and participate in a similar manner. Its called peer pressure, and if I learnt anything from my social education, you have to conform to a certain degree to survive.

So if you were to fangirl over some musician or actor or book or character, I can empathise; I'd even join you, as I do feel that emotional high. But, if it was a real person, and you pointed him out to me, for the life of me, I wouldn't be able to tell you if he was 'hot' or 'cute' or whatever. I could tell you if he was kind, considerate, or a bastard, a jerk, but I couldn't gauge his physical attractiveness for you. I'd tell you I like guys who have deep voices, based on the kind of music I like. I'd tell you I like responsible and mature guys, and who wouldn't? But if I were to fall head over heels in love? I think, so far... None. Of course, I often give relationship advice to friends who ask it of me. Hey, I'm a logical, rational and mature individual. I can tell you if someone is bad for you, and outline a few things you can do. If I can't give you advice, I can always lend a shoulder, a helping hand, a listening ear... That's me being me. I'm dutiful, loyal, caring... HEY. I'm NOT A DOG.

Nevertheless, regardless of all these, you need to know that I have never been in a romantic relationship. Emotional maturity and logic can only go so far without experience. There are many times when I have no idea what to do for my friends who are stuck in a rut; I simply cannot comprehend the magnitude of emotion. I do not understand the foolish things that you do in the name of love. The silliest thing I've done in a similar context is probably to plaster my room with Laruku posters and call it a shrine. Or perhaps write sappy fanfictions in secondary school to express my loneliness and desire for acceptance. It was always very self-centred and microscopic. Which is why I think I'm not cut out for romantic love.

I've been told that I'm cute. I've been told that I clean up well. I've been told that I'm interesting. I've been told that I'm pretty (with make up). I've been told that I'd make a good wfe and mother. I've also been told that I'm too aggressive. And that I'm too loud and raucious. I've been told that I'm noisy. I've been told that I'm arrogant. I've been told I'm demanding. I've been told that I'm weird. So? Who am I? All of these, plus some more. I'll show you all my flaws. i've nothing to hide, because this is who I am. But don't forget, I have my strenghts as well. Don't put me into a box, and pretend that you know everything about me. Even I don't know everything about me, so don't try. Let me fly free, and if you're lucky, I'll keep you entertained and let you see things you've never seen before.

Thank you.

"If I can't be honest with myself, than everything in the world is meaningless..."