Samhain

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And so its that time of the year again. Where I look at the dates and wonder how in the world I will survive until the next year. Its a good thing I'm born in November, so I have more things to look forward to at the end of the year. I have no idea how I will survive the end of the year if I was born in any other month. There would be nothing to tide me past the onslaught of exams and the culmination of projects and reports and the other hundred and one other things that make our existance on this sad and dreary planet even sadder and more dreary.

Last year was spent in the sad embrace of my Financial Accounting paper. This year? Not much better, Business Processes. And the best part is that I have a paper the very next day as well. So there is no real way that I can celebrate it with my friends or family unless I was to pre-date or postpone the celebration. But really, its a really really sad feeling to know that you have an exam on your birthday and that it only gets worse because you have an exam the very next day as well. And the day before. And that all your friends are far to absorbed in trying to overcome the exam monster to pay any heed to you. Sighs.

I wonder what I will be doing this time next year. If I had my way, I would in studying for my exams in japan. Its an expensive and taxing way to go, I know, so I do not have much hope. I guess I have big dreams and small expectations. Perhaps I learnt this from my family, where my dad always told me to dream big and expect small so that the crushing of my tiny hopes is nothing compared to destroying my big ambitions. Yet, no matter what, it never feels good to have your desires stolen from you. Nothing that is taken from you ever feels good when its being taken.

Quite tired. Peak period, where the reports are all due and your presenattions are strung together. Exams are upcoming, and I'm the new president for my CCA. The pressure is starting to get to me. I need to do well. I expect a lot from myself I guess, but I always doubt my own ability to deliver. Which is rather paralysing if I wasn't quite so tough. Its really a vicious kind of mindset. You want great grades, you want great things. You want to make a name and leave an impact. You want to make an impression and leave a legacy. Yet, you seriously doubt your own capability. The doubts tear at your defenses. You keep dreaming, but you can feel yourself waking up. You think it is all an illusion, and the wind will blow away the smoke and incense that creates your fantasy. You're riddled with holes, and everything bores down on your self-confidence. Of course, you must smile through everything. Of course, you always say that you are fine and you make a joke to lighten the scenario. Well, at least you try to lighten the circumstances.

The weight of desire. No one ever says anything about it. People talk about the weight od expectations. As if everything is external, and if left to your devices, you'd be happy and contented and safe in your little world. So wrong. So narrow. So stupid. People have desires, and these desires are a burden. yeah, sure, its external and whatever. But there are people, like me, who want these things on their own accord. Where you're not content with being envious. I'm greedy. I will work for it. I want it, and I must get it. I am content, but I want to be more contented.

What a contradiction I am...

Welcome to November.

"The thirst that no amount of liquid will quench."