Inside

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Telephone by Glee Cast


I think I'm seething inside. On the surface I am still able to function and smile and laugh and prattle about insignificant things to make people happy, but inside I'm a wreck. I do know how I feel inside. Like duh. I have a pretty good relationship with myself. I know when I feel like crap. I know when I feel happy. I know when everything is in a mess and the only reason I function is through sheer grit and force of will. I guess I've been in worse straits. I guess I've fallen lower. This isn't rock bottom. Not yet anyway. I'll do my best to never get there? But sometimes your emotions don't function the way you want them to? In fact, they rarely ever do? So yes. Don't ask me if I'm okay. The answer is very obviously NO. But I'll live. I'll freaking yank myself out of this rut. I'll get up, even if I get hurt. Yeah, it would hurt to the high heavens and I'd cry, but I'm going to get up. Help pull me up if you're a friend. I refuse to let myself give up. I refuse to give others a reason a reason to say I'm weak. I refuse to let the situation become a disaster of epic proportions.


I'm not a strong person. I'm indifferent to things and people that don't matter, but once it matters I'm super lousy against it. No resistance, because I tend to give more then I get. A lot of space to get hurt. Which might be the reason why I'm not in a romantic relationship? I think I'll be crying forever if I get into a romantic relationship. So my brain, with whatever brain cells left from what school did not manage to kill, automatically rejects people. I put people into safe categories and with this nice label, I'm safe. I won't let anyone progress past this. Of course, anyone who knows me well knows I'm super duper curious. And that I like to play and experiment. And I like to play with dangerous things. I think I have a minor case of split personality or something. I know it has a high chance of going south of ruining my life. Nevertheless, I'll still go back for more. I'd still try and play. I don't gamble; I just play. Its not just money. Its the intangible things that I play with, the things that you can't quantify. Which might be why I'm in cheer.


I'm a base/back spot. I don't mind? I'd like to fly too though. It looks freaking exciting. Yes, I saw people break their noses. The abrasions. The wounds. Coming down from 2 metres in the air to land on your head. Sprained wrists. Sprained ankles. Knees slammed against the floor. Scratches, cuts... I think cheer is way more dangerous than any other sport mankind can ever imagine. Sport. I'm not talking about cliff-diving and bungee-jumping. These aren't sports. You can't really compete I think? Yeah. I need adrenaline. Maybe because I'm burying parts of myself to conform to society and the demands of daily life. I need an avenue of expression, where I can just do something that is stupid and dangerous. Cheer is both. No matter what anyone tells you, cheer is stupid because it encourages you to put your life onto the hands of others in the name of sport. DUMB.


Sigh. The more I think about this the more I feel like I should take action. Yet, I have no idea of what action I should take. If I do the wrong thing I would probably hit my head against the wall repeatedly in exasperation at my stupidity. Life is scary.


"You knew I was free but you couldn't be bothered."