Disappear

Playlist

Beautiful Hangover by BIG BANG

Its Week 10 in my school and I have every intention of running away and never coming back. From my school work. From my CCA. From my friends. From everything and everyone and anything and anyone. I think some of you are beginning to feel it. You barely see me around. You hardly see me online. I'm not that responsive when you SMS or MSN me. I'm content not to say anything. I'm constantly listening to music. In short, its as if my body is around somewhere and my mind is 30,000 leagues under the sea. Which is true in a way. I need to get away.

I wonder what would happen if I was to disappear? How long would it take before anyone noticed that I was no longer around? How long would it take people to look for me? How long would it take for people to know why I disappeared? I think my school mates will never notice. They would just wonder where I am and say that they've yet to see me for a while, but to actually realise that I was gone and search me out? I think it would never happen. At most they'd go around and say that I'm a heartless gal for not looking for them, but I don't expect them to start hunting high and low for me. Just not done. We've no real connection anyway. Closer friends would think that I was busy with school work and wait for me to look for them. And they will wait. And wait. And if I still donot contact them, they will think I've gotten bored with them and moved on. They'd just move on and somethimes will wonder what I'm doing. I think that is about it. In a relationship, I'm always the more proactive party. So if I was to disappear? I think the relationship would just come crashing down. I have no expectations of the people I hang around with. It would take a minor miracle for them to seek me out and ask me out for a day of revelry. I have to be the one arranging everything. Its either me arranging, or we can all live on in the shell that is our commute between school and home or work and home. Nothing would happen. Everything built would just be eroded by time and they wouldn't bother to upkeep and do any maintenance.

Depressing thoughts for depressing times. People always tell me that they are busy, but I refuse to accept this excuse. You can always make time. Its just what you think is important to you. If FaceBook is important you would be on Facebook every waking hour, even though it reduces your productiveity by about half? Its all a matter of perspective and your priorities. How long does it take to write me a note? How long does it take to send a SMS? How long does it take to type me an email? Oh well. I'm tired of coercing people to give me their time and attention. I'm tired of just giving in a relationship. I'm tired of always being the one who has to entertain all the time. I'm not a freaking clown. When I screw up people get annoyed with me, when all I am doing is trying to make you happy. And If I don't do it, they think I'm throwing a tantrum. Surface acting all the way. What is the point of having friends if their company leaves you feeling bitter? 

Sleepy. I'm getting about 6 hours of sleep everyday, which is a bit less than decent but still alright. Nevertheless I'm utterly exhausted at the end of the day. I wonder why. Something not quite right with my current state. It might be because none of my final projects are finalised. It might be because I need to make a solo presentation next Thursday and I have absolutely no idea of what to speak on. I have no real passion. Inside I'm all cold and dead, and my presentation needs to be a kind of change that I am passionate about. The hardest thing on earth is talking about something you cannot understand. I don't understand true passion. I understand habits. I understand routine. I understand psychology. I understand everything on a very clinical level though. Its really hard to feel. Because somewhere along the way. My heart gave up.

"The things that don't hurt you are the things that we take for granted."