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What Can I Do by Seung Ri

It has been quite a while since I last blogged. Life in school has been so packed and exciting that it is totally boring. All I do, is to wake up and go to school. Attend classes, go for training, stumble my way home and crash. In whatever time I have between these activities, I try to read my notes and do my homework, to little success. I stay up late most nights, trying to make friends with the moon and the night wind. My laptop gives me problems whenever it thinks I need a break from typing and research, and I use the chance to head to the bathroom. My Google calendar is so packed Iooking at it makes me feel nauseous, and it seems likely that it will just get worse. And yes, I am dreadfully tired. Nothing I can think of is making me feel better, and every single time I think of all the things that need doing, I wonder why I bother to do everything. So many meetings and trainings and readings and projects and homework and assignments and reports and presentations that are due. I know I signed up for everything. I know I was the one who said I would do it. I know. But it does not lessen my suffering. And its made worse when my social life is in shambles.

I am a simple girl. All I want is for you to show you love me. You don't have to like me as much as I like you. I won't test the limits of your love. I just want someone to hug me after a hard day and tell me that after I sleep and wake up, I will conquer the world. I just want someone who gives me faith in myself. I want someone who knows that I am scared and insecure about about my ability. I need someone who will allow me space to blunder around, and knows when to give me a push or pull to help me out here and there. Nothing too complex. I will not ask for the moon, because I do not need it. I will not ask for the stars either. I only go after things that I need. And in this case, I have a great need for acceptance and recognition. Which might be why I do so many things; I need to feel that I can do it. Pushed to breaking point, I fight on because something in me would die if I did not do it. Something in me would die if I found out tomorrow that I am less than everyone else.

Maybe what I am asking is already too much. How many people will see past my smiles and diversions and hear what I truly have to say? How many people will see through my games and find the me who sits here watching everyone dance along? You can only cut as deep as you are willing to be cut, and because I'm great at numbing myself, after a while, I cannot feel anything, I can cut with no regard for my own well-being. Like all humans, I do get caught. But not for long because its all numb after a while. Hurt and bleeding and unable to feel it. The most dangerous thing ever, because you think you're fine and go on, unable to hear your screaming body. What fools we all are. What a fool I am. Living my life like its a game and losing doesn't hurt and won't have consequences. Where your life matters so little. I have no will to live. Just like this world that was created to end. Love is but a minor distraction in my quest for the end.

I think I might be depressed. Halfway throught the fourth week of school and I already feel like tearing all my hair out and throwing things again the wall. I do my best not to take it on out others, but I need an avenue to vent my feelings. Either that or I need to do something to remove all the excess energy. Otherwise I might end up doing things that I will regret. I'm the kind of girl who turns into a bitch when I'm in a bad mood. When I'm tired and stressed, some people cry. I get angry and morph into a bitch. Like this switch is flipped, and no more nice girl emerges. The kind who lures you in and chomps your head off. So sweet and innocent looking, until I open my mouth and the angsty and mean things tumble out. I should reduce the amount of dissonance. Just adding to the tiring things that I have to do on a daily basis to survive.

I am tired. Shall go to sleep soon. Perhaps some rest and Mathematics tomorrow will make me feel better. Rather unlikely, but I shall try it out. After all, I do need to finsh the calculations, and I will have some free time tomorrow. So many things that need to be done and all I am doing is to push it all away until the last possible minute. Not a good habit, bit somehow, it is becoming the norm in my daily existence. I should prepare beforehand. I know it really helps me to understand better, but it never transforms into action. Lazy girl who has too much inertia to initiate change. 

I should go to bed. Injuries need me to sleep for them to heal better. And I want to sleep. Staying awake for extended periods of time drives my brain into overdrive, and the likelihood that I will think too much and go bersek and finally throw myself off my balcony is rather high. Maybe this is just the sleep deprivation talking. And maybe it is the rot that I hide under layers of silk and chiffon and perfumed skirts. And I shall leave this thought here as I retire, because there are many things that have no answer too.

This was meant to be thoughful, but somehow? It turned into a compliant post and for that I apologise. Check back come April. I am sure I will be happier after the exams. HAHA.

"I am sorry."