Understand

Playlist

Shock by Beast

Its amusing how my playlist often goes to a track that articulates how I feel in its title. Yes, I am in shock. I'll probably post everything tomorrow, so I should get the Chinese New Year thoughts out of my head to make space.

This year was four days of celebration, as the first two days were on Thursday and Friday, which gives everyone an extended holiday. Good for some, a nightmare for others I'm sure. So many things that you can do and can't do. Perfect for a trip, but for those who need to hand in assignments? Totally depressing to have to go back to school when you know virtually half of the country is in a holiday mood.

I guess this year was fine? I was able to spend more time with my family, and some more time with friends, so I shall not complain too much. Cheer trainings were totally butchered, and I think it will take at least a week to get everyone back into shape. With Nationals a mere four weeks away and us losing people left and right, I shall not think too much about competition. I know I need to register us. I know the governing body is after our heads because there are a lot of fomalising that needs to be done. And I know my workload is going to increase. Best part? Mid term exams are 2 weeks away. And I'm about to lose one of my closest friends. I hate my life sometimes.

In many ways, I am an idiot. I always tell people the right things to do, and they always tell me how I'm so mature and that my advice is always spot on. And somehow, my life is in shambles. So whenever I get such compliments, I smile politely, and inside I'm screaming "OMG ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS Oh why and HOW is it that I NEVER feel that MY OWN ADVICE is good? Oh yeah I CANT PREDICT STUFF FOR MYSELF What an UTTER IDIOT I am HAHA SOMEONE come and KILL me?". My internal monologue is something like this. I know, I know, dissonance is crazy, but this is the way I have been since I learnt that people don't usually mean it when they say they want the truth. Yeah, loads of people say they do, but they can't deal with it. I know you're probably thinking, at this point, "I can TOTALLY take the truth!". RIGHT. SURE. Like you can take it when I tell you how I'm always being fake nice to you and I think how your fashion sense is HORRIBLE and you're really very annoying because you keep trying to preach to me so you should just go jump down from some random building to help improve the human race by NEVER pro-creating? Yeah. I'm weird. And crazy. You can't deal with it, so don't ask for it. Unless you think you can get mowed by a truck and go about as per normal immediately after, truth is something best served in miligrams.

As I was saying, I need to sort my life out. I always wait for people, and I always hopelessly believe in people. I believe people will kepp their promises and their word. I believe people aren't trying to be a bitch or bastard or jerk and they have decent intentions. I believe I must have been dropped on my head when I was a child by the doctor because I am so utterly stupid. This stupidity is in-built. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I allow everyone I like so many chances I might make religious people think I'm trying very very hard to get into heaven. And for this, I get back-stabbed, abandoned, ignored and more. I don't like this feeling, so I react in selfish ways to try to minimise these occurences. After a while, I get tired, so I withdraw into my world of cheer and books and exams and I keep myself hidden, hoping no one notices that Io feel hurt and waiting for my stupidity setting to go back to default and I forgive people again. Yeah. How dumb can I get? Super dumb apparently.

I am very amused by my current social network. The reactions to the slightest things. Oh well. Maybe I am really at that age. Ho hum. Not that I care. Like I've mentioned so many times, all I need is the people I love to love me back. The rest, unfortuantely, do not matter.

"Don't pretend to understand me. You don't. Just accept me and move on. Your life will be much easier."