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No LDK by SID

New album! It has been nearly forever since there was a new SID song that sounds like this. As usual, I love SID for Mao's awesome vocals and the really clear and sweet music. Yeah, you would wonder how rock music can be sweet, but SID is something like a combination fo rock and jazz? Perhaps it is Mao's voice that gives their songs this quality. The main attarction of SID is how their songs seem to have a certain direction. This clarity of musical direction and their own strengths and talents makes their songs very attractive. Each song has a distinct flavour that comes from the same series. So its like a whole range of flavours, but they are all chocolate-ish. Somthing along those lines. I think I am not giving SID enough credit, so you should just listen to their album. Unlikely that you would like every single song, but there are definitely a few that will appeal.

Kinda stressed out right now. So many things to do within the next one month. Nationals. CAT project. CAT Assignment 3. BSM presentation. Marketing test. Marketing project. Finance project. Finance test. Immersion programme application. Waseda application. Plan for NY extension. Plan for Taiwan extension. LOOK FOR AN INTERNSHIP. Yeah. If anyone knows of any place that needs a Marketing/Corporate Communications intern, please let me know? I am pretty desperate right about now. I know I started late, but I just realised that I have to clear my internship now. Or I will not be able to graduate in time. Which is a total pain. Unless I somehow manage to grab an internship in Japan, which is superbly unlikely. So yes. If anyone has any connections and you know I should be able to do a pretty decent job (I'm not blowing my trumpet but I am a pretty conscientious worker), please please PLEASE tell me? I've yet to let anyone who recommended me for a job regret their decision HAHA. Unless it is some super technical Finance or Accounting post, I should be able to do a decent job, so please, just help me? THANK YOU I LOVE YOU.

As you can tell, my life is in shambles right about now. My days consist of trudging to school after I crawl my way out of bed and zombie-ing my way through my classes, before I stone in meetings and somehow try to contribute to the general discussion, and then I stumble my way home to do my homework/research and anything else that needs to be done. If there is training, I try to keep my team motivated by saying encouraging things. My days go by in a whirl of research, writing papers, doing homework, training, quiet moments with my iPod on public transport intersped with conflicts, resolutions and random bouts of rest time. Some people ask why I do so many things to myself. My answer? They happened when I was not looking. I'm serious. I never expected the immersion programme, it leaped into my lap while I was printing notes for the first CAT Assignment, which, by the way, was horrible. BSM happened when I was in CAT class one Tuesday morning. And I never thought I would have to get an internship NOW. And I was not expecting to go to Taiwan immediately after NY. My peers tell me I should have expected it. nevertheless, this is said with the benefit of hindsight. Think about it. Normal people don't think fly to NY for 3 weeks, then go to Taiwan for a week, return home for a month before flying to Japan for 2 months, return home for another month and THEN fly to Japan AGAIN for a YEAR. And yet, this is likely to be what I am going to be doing if I do get into all the programmes I am applying for. In this case, I will probably have to somehow make an internship in Japan miraculously appear out of thin air. Otherwise I can say bye-bye to graduating on time. Believe me, I really want to get out of my university. i know people say that the working world is worse than school, but honestly? I think money makes a difference, thank you very much.

Superbly exhausted now. I think I should be going to bed soon. It has been a super long day that was spent doing work. Recess week is an utter lie. I was in school for more hours this week than during my normal school week. Such a sad life that we students have. School is terrible and home is too. So many stinky expectations. I am unsure why this is happening, but it is: My parents think that university is a cakewalk. Honestly, I wish it was. I wish the classes were a fluke and no one was serious about anything and that everyone would pass everything. I really wish it was like this. But no. Reality is, sorry to be cliched, super harsh. My grades matter because I want to be able to get a good job. I am, most unfortunately, not the most creative and entrepeunerial person ever to have been born on the face of this earth. I can probably write witty articles, among other nonsensical and utterly useless skills that I think are a huge joke, but I think being excellent at convincing people to hire is not in this said list of dubious skill set. Unless I suddenly chance upon this awesomely rich and fabulous guy who for some strange and obscure reason is totally in love with me and is willing to sponsor my career as a rich tai-tai... Yeah. Life is tough, and it gets tougher.

In case the main point was buried under all the ridiculous things I typed, which it most definitely is, I am not out there having fun. I don't club. I don't shop. I don't do high teas. I don't sit in salons for hours to do my hair and nails. I do really boring things like study in the school library. Like struggling to solve questions in my homework assignment. Nothing exciting nor sexy nor luxurious. I am a commoner, and I will probably live like one unless some minor miracle happens and alters the status quo. Which is why I cannot comprehend why my parents are angry that I am not home. They should be worried if I am home and am so free to repack my cupboard. Because honestly, typing this is probably the only other 'wasteful' thing that I have done this week. I need space to breathe and I am not getting any. Instead, I get chewed on for not staying at home lounging decoratively on the sofa. Hey dad, thanks for making me feel so happy that I have such awfully lengthy back to back meetings. I really don't like chilling at home and reading a book while sipping coffee. RIGHT.

Indeed, I am annoyed.

I need sleep. Nights world. This girl needs an internship~ Please be nice and kind and help~

"We can only believe what we can fanthom."

Veil

Playlist

Defying Gravity by Glee Cast

Its mid February! Been a pretty packed month, and yes, I will immediately do my work after this post. No more surfing around on the Internet. I'm already sick and learning ability is impaired so I can't keep deviating unless I want to FAIL Finance mid-terms. Which I do not. So yes.

Time seems to go by really fast? And really slowly at the same time. It is as if the time before suffering is so long drawn and painful, but the moment your suffering ends? The holidays go by too fast for you to notice the hours that you have whiled away. And the time that has passed just seems so... far away. I remember days that seems like a foggy haze of happiness and laughter, and days that are blanketed with smoke to keep me away from the fires of turmoil. I've said this before and I'll say it again, no matter how happy or sad you are, one day it will all be a memory. Even if its the happiest day of your life, or maybe the worst, slowly and surely, the details will first escape you, and soon, all that is left are just moments imprinted. Even so, all too often, we forget all these moments, and our past becomes a blank. A blur. Murky depths where the leviathan lurks.

People often say that I am far too expressive for my own good. Whenever I hear this, the inner me goes crazy laughing. Those who know me well should know how much I always have things that are important and never said. I go around telling people to unabashedly express themselves, because this is something that I've not been able to do for a long time now. I've been wanting to say everything inside, but the stakes are too high. I know, high risk high returns, but this isn't a business venture, where all you lose is material possessions and money. This is a situation where parts of your life is at stake. Relationships are at stake. I can be superbly open to the people who don't matter, because I don't give a damn about what the think or feel about me. They can think I'm selfish, arrogant, lesbian or whatever. It doesn't matter. But to the people I like, I do not wish to hurt you. If I do hurt you, I hurt myself, because the last thing I want, is for you to be hurt. 

I am not a masochist. Nor a sadist. I am so normal I wonder why people even bother with me. I don't think I am attractive, nor unattractive enough to attract attention. Someone once said that the most outstanding thing about me is my personality. I'm not sure if this is a compliment or an insult, so I shall leave it to you to decide. Maybe it is because I am so average that I am outstanding. How many people can claim to be totally average? And then I am sure that some people will feel that I am nowhere near average. Ho-hum.

I don't want to repeat myself again. I find myself sounding like some broken tape recorder or typewriter, spamming the same thing time after time, again and again. Its as if you cannot be bothered to remember. As if you cannot understand. And that is wearing me out. Hopefully this is the last time I say this, because if I have to say this again, I wonder how much nearer I am to the edge.

On a side note, thank you. Thank you for being insistent and stubborn and utterly silly. Thank you for making me smile. Thank you for remembering what I like, and making me go along with you. Thank you for letting me realise that happiness isn't about getting everything I want, it is about appreciating the things I have, and aspiring to do better. Not everything I want is important, but I think i can gladly say that everything I have is important to me. Thank you for the great memories. And next year, let's do something together...

"You need to know what you need and how to get it. Its all out there, waiting."

Eye

Playlist

Robot Boy by Linkin Park

If I could, I would wish that time would stop at this moment. Not that I am at a particularly happy period of my life. Nor is this time of the year especially joyous and all. I have been reduced to a sad creature who is thankful she can breathe well and sleep before midnight, that there are no immediate deadlines, and no meetings to attend. Yes, this is the lull before the storm known as midterms. I have four big exams next week, and I think I am likely to flunk a few of them. not that there are a lot to flunk. Not funny. I am quite stressed? But I am so tired from all the projects that were due earlier and my brain is screaming at me for a break. And I must admit that part of the reason why I am so useless now can be attributed to the Lunar New Year break. Too many days spent in the company of fluffy pillows, comfortable armchairs and in a general atmosphere of cheer and happiness. Brain is stuck in this mistaken belief that life is all about sweet treats and lolling around in bed. Reality is a bit too harsh to come crashing back to.

Cheer is going full steam ahead. Nationals is in about a month. More of five weeks if anyone is counting, which I certainly am? Not sure how well we will do this year, but I am doing my best not to think about this topic. Quite scared that we will screw up and I have no idea what to tell the school if things are not favourable. How do I break the news that we couldn't place? Everything will sound like an excuse if you have nothing to back it up. Do I tell the person in-charge that my CCA can probably be turned into a drame serial a million times better than those Taiwanese drama? There is betrayal, loss, lies, political struggles, insults, blood, sweat, tears, ulterior motives, love, smoking, drinking, wild parties, clubbing, performances, glitter, short skirts, bare midriffs, physical contact, jokes, dominance struggles, weight lifting and a hundred and one other things that just juice up my life. If I swear likea sailor, it is because of cheer. If I toss and turn and have sleepless nights, it is because of cheer. If I feel like the world will end tomorrow, it is also because of cheer. As you can clearly see, there is a trend that is quickly forming here.

Not that I am blaming cheer. I chose it, but sometimes, like now, I wish things were different. Love for the sport alone is barely enough to keep me going non-stop. I need people to show up, people to be committed, people to talk to me and tell me things and most importantly, I need people to give me the feeling that they trust me. I can do it if you leave it to me. I will do it. Let me prove it to you. I won't throw you away or think less of you for revealing problems. I value honesty and integrity and all that jazz, and no I am not just saying this for show. Not like you people will ever read this, but I feel like letting this out of my system. Necessary to keep sane.

"Warmth comes from living things. You can't get warmth from textbooks not electronics."

Shovel

Playlist

The Catalyst by Linkin Park

This is turning out to be a superbly awful day. It is only eleven in the morning and I am so incensed I might be able to cook eggs on my head. I feel like throwing a few things at some people. And I will make sure all the things I throw are going to be of a certain destructive capacity. Else there is no need to throw anything yes?

I did it! Didn't cry in front of her. I was going to, but I kept it in. Was tearing throughout the enitre journey home, but I didn't let anything out, so it was ok I guess? Sniffling yes, crying no. I think she would have felt even worse if I had bawled out loud so to keep my reputation and emotions stable, I just clammed everything up inside. I will probably need to cry at some point in time, but not now. Not now when there are demons to slay and exams to take. One day, when the going gets crazy, I'll let it all out. I refuse to think that she will never return. I refuse to think that I won't be able to hug her for at least a year. I refuse to think I won't hear another one of her lame jokes or disturbing comments. I refuse to acknowledge that we cannot have soup spoon together. I can't believe that the only time I'll see or hear her is through old photos and webcam. All the way in the Southern Hemisphere. You may think that I am over-reacting, but given how likely my timetable will change, if things go a certain way, I won't see her until next December? Of course this is if I get in. If I don't get in, I'll be upset that I cannot go, and glad that I have a chance to see her soon. Between a rock and a hard place.

I remember the first time we met. Long haired girl combing a friend's silver wig. I remember thinking she was pretty quiet and very pretty. And I remember how easy it was to talk to her. We didn't really talk much after that, although we saw each other on and off at various events. I remember thinking she was really nice and funny at the Noah shoot. And after that, would sometimes talk to her online. First time we had real interaction with each other was in 2009? One event was all it took to make me feel like I have known her forever. Prior to that event, all the costume rushing let me know that she was very very Scorpio-ish and utterly DISTURBING. We're very alike in many ways, and we have similar tastes. And more importantly, she is someone who can keep up with me and banter with me and laugh at herself. And I will really miss you. I know we will all miss you. And I think I am crying now.

Ok, I dislike wallowing in despair, so is hall choose to seeth in anger. Here goes~

I am furious. Yeah, leadership is a full time job. Unfortunately for you and everyone else, I hate working. And this stupid thing was forced upon me. You have stupid expectations of me, and too bad for everyone, I cannot live up to them. I cannot read minds. I cannot teleport. I have my own social life. And if you tell me things at the eleventh hour, how in the WORLD do you expect me to be able to respond to it? Unlike what you might think, my life does not revolve around the CCA. I do not check my phone every fifteen minutes throughout the entire 24hours that is in a day. I need to sleep, so I ususally put my phone on silent mode. And please, who in their right minds will expect me to wake up at a god awful hour to fly to the freaking airport to deliver stuff that I need to extract from school? Hello, it is a good one hour away. This is assuming all forms of transportation works in my favour. And to go to school I will need a good half hour. So it means I need 2 hours to get there. At that point in time, there was NO WAY I could have done it. I cannot stop time. So I didn't bother. And then you 2 hours later you tell me that the timing was pushed back by 2 hours. WOW. Last minute much? I am not rich enough to cab at peak hour. And I don't have a vehicle. Call it different priorities. Call it lack of dedication. Call it anything you will. If I asked you to do it, would you have been able to, given the same circumstances? Think about this before you look down on me. Think long and hard about what you have done, and what you would have done.

I think life is about choices, and I choose to do things that I will regret doing the most. I will regret not saying good-bye. I will regret not sleeping more. Your side can be easily rectified with a decent photo. You can say I am not commited enough, but this is the truth that I see. Deal with it.

"With great power comes a great need to shovel shit from others."

Understand

Playlist

Shock by Beast

Its amusing how my playlist often goes to a track that articulates how I feel in its title. Yes, I am in shock. I'll probably post everything tomorrow, so I should get the Chinese New Year thoughts out of my head to make space.

This year was four days of celebration, as the first two days were on Thursday and Friday, which gives everyone an extended holiday. Good for some, a nightmare for others I'm sure. So many things that you can do and can't do. Perfect for a trip, but for those who need to hand in assignments? Totally depressing to have to go back to school when you know virtually half of the country is in a holiday mood.

I guess this year was fine? I was able to spend more time with my family, and some more time with friends, so I shall not complain too much. Cheer trainings were totally butchered, and I think it will take at least a week to get everyone back into shape. With Nationals a mere four weeks away and us losing people left and right, I shall not think too much about competition. I know I need to register us. I know the governing body is after our heads because there are a lot of fomalising that needs to be done. And I know my workload is going to increase. Best part? Mid term exams are 2 weeks away. And I'm about to lose one of my closest friends. I hate my life sometimes.

In many ways, I am an idiot. I always tell people the right things to do, and they always tell me how I'm so mature and that my advice is always spot on. And somehow, my life is in shambles. So whenever I get such compliments, I smile politely, and inside I'm screaming "OMG ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS Oh why and HOW is it that I NEVER feel that MY OWN ADVICE is good? Oh yeah I CANT PREDICT STUFF FOR MYSELF What an UTTER IDIOT I am HAHA SOMEONE come and KILL me?". My internal monologue is something like this. I know, I know, dissonance is crazy, but this is the way I have been since I learnt that people don't usually mean it when they say they want the truth. Yeah, loads of people say they do, but they can't deal with it. I know you're probably thinking, at this point, "I can TOTALLY take the truth!". RIGHT. SURE. Like you can take it when I tell you how I'm always being fake nice to you and I think how your fashion sense is HORRIBLE and you're really very annoying because you keep trying to preach to me so you should just go jump down from some random building to help improve the human race by NEVER pro-creating? Yeah. I'm weird. And crazy. You can't deal with it, so don't ask for it. Unless you think you can get mowed by a truck and go about as per normal immediately after, truth is something best served in miligrams.

As I was saying, I need to sort my life out. I always wait for people, and I always hopelessly believe in people. I believe people will kepp their promises and their word. I believe people aren't trying to be a bitch or bastard or jerk and they have decent intentions. I believe I must have been dropped on my head when I was a child by the doctor because I am so utterly stupid. This stupidity is in-built. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I allow everyone I like so many chances I might make religious people think I'm trying very very hard to get into heaven. And for this, I get back-stabbed, abandoned, ignored and more. I don't like this feeling, so I react in selfish ways to try to minimise these occurences. After a while, I get tired, so I withdraw into my world of cheer and books and exams and I keep myself hidden, hoping no one notices that Io feel hurt and waiting for my stupidity setting to go back to default and I forgive people again. Yeah. How dumb can I get? Super dumb apparently.

I am very amused by my current social network. The reactions to the slightest things. Oh well. Maybe I am really at that age. Ho hum. Not that I care. Like I've mentioned so many times, all I need is the people I love to love me back. The rest, unfortuantely, do not matter.

"Don't pretend to understand me. You don't. Just accept me and move on. Your life will be much easier."