Posies

Playlist

Bad by Tablo

I feel guilty for blogging. This is the first time I'm feeling this way. I've never ever felt guilty for blogging, not when I had an exam the next day, not when I was supposed to be doing work, not when I was in class and not paying attention. I guess it was because I was always of the belief that time is mine to do what I want with, and blogging was a choice. It still is a choice, but the opportunity cost in this situation is the time I could have spent crafting a report for my accounting project that is due in around 24 hours. Each moment I spend here is increasingly expensive in terms of my overall grade. I'm less worried about the presentation as I can just extract the gist from my report. The report is the foundation of which I build my presentation, without which I might as well not do the presentation...

Ah, I dislike having regrets, so I am glad that we broke apart from those leeches. Yeah, we were 'mean' to these poor kids who came to Asia expecting a holiday and was saddled with such a high level class. Too bad. They came at a time where I'm sick and tired of having to clean up after the mess that other people create. If I had seen more effort, it might not have been so ugly? Oh and I know effort, because I am a cosplayer. I know when you put in time, and when you don't and when you leave things to the eleventh hour, desperately hoping for salvation. I know because I have been there, and I can see parts of myself in your laziness and sloppy work. So easy to go there, so hard to go past it.

Wanting to become stronger means you need to be willing to sacrifice blood, sweat, tears, time and effort. You need to steel your mind to take the damage, and you need to know your body to know your limits. And you need to combine both to really get somewhere. It hurts, you feel like giving up, but you force everything to hold together, because you want to achieve something greater. Its discipline and this little bit of insanity to keep wanting something so badly that you can tolerate the pain. Its one small step at a time, convincing yourself every inch of the way. Its closing your eyes to the risk, its blocking out snarky remarks of people who don't believe in you. Its about learning to smile at the end of the day even though things have been awful. Its about realising that the world doesn't end with every setback and that when you wake up, even though you can't reset things, its not as if the world will literally end. Not all thorns, and not all pretty posies. And its fine like this.

Love Tablo. And 8eight. And so many more songs. If you're keen on knowing what I listen to, I would recommend my Tumblr account. I post PVs and MVs of songs that I loop on my playlist. It may not be for everyone, but I think its good to listen to music that we aren't immediately familiar with. Helps us to think about things. In my case, I don't like being able to understand my music. It interferes with my appreciation of the sounds. I'm not sure how to explain this, but its the reason why I barely listen to English and Chinese music, and why I'm withdrawing from Japanese music. Its a process of me learning new languages and abandoning its music once I know what the lyrics mean. Strange habit of mine...

No longer really attending Japanese classes, which saddens me greatly. No way I can give up, but I can barely proceed with the crazy amount of work I need to plow through. I think I will only really sit down to cram come December when my exams are over. The thing is I need to come up with a way to make sure I really do so. Its so easy to run off into the fields to play with my psycho friends or get caught up with moving into my new home. More effort required on my part, of which I've been making on sad excuse after another to avoid. Really need to get to it before I make my teachers in JENESYS sigh in disappointment...

"Wishes that are granted without effort will lead us to ruin."

Burden

Playlist

ホソイコエ by シド

Break up song done Japanese style is really heart-wrenching? Nothing like those pathetic English songs which talk about going back to clubbing and partying. Its about the little things that make you remember the person. The moments of loneliness where you suddenly wish that person was here. Habits that become a painful part of your life immediately after that person leaves. Not like mainstream pop songs that keep repeating the same chorus over and over again. Just some of the 101 reasons why I love シド. Their songs are to describe people, albeit done in poetry and verse. Of course you need to understand Japanese to be able to understand, but I feel that Mao sings in such a way that you know its a sad song if it should be a sad song. Its obvious when its a happy song, because the upbeat tune is very recognisable? I love シド!

Suppose to be adjusting my balance sheet for Qantas but I'm taking some time off to blog. Been rather moody for a few days because I've been doing nothing but work. No entertainment at all. Utterly depressing. Not anyone's fault, because everything is due 2359 on 30th October.  My FIIM report and presentation. My Corp report and presentation. My IEA presentation. Neither FIIM not Corp is anywhere near submission-ready, and these are the projects that really matter. Sigh. I'm really tired anyway, so I'm just going to be lazy and not continue. Its a good thing my group mates don't visit this site or they'll have my head. Call me irresponsible, but compared to the other 2 people in the group who have barely contributed an ounce of work? I think I deserve a short break. Just a bit of time off and going to bed early... I need a rest from staring at those disgusting balance sheets and income statements before I really lose it.

Its boring to do work with no holiday in sight. I guess working people look forward to the weekend and their public holidays? Well, as a student who goes back to school everyday, regardless of whether its a holiday or weekend... I think working life would be far more enjoyable. My holidays only start on 28th November. Which seems like light years away when you are drowning in your project. I know its just barely a month, and I have projects due and exams to take... Nevertheless its too far. Not like I have anything really substantial to look forward to during the holidays. And I already know its going to be an exceedingly short break. So I'm not going to touch any work AT ALL. Just play and sleep and laze my days away. I know I'm gonna be busy with school work and trainings once the semester begins proper, and I still need to overlook renovation works at my new home... Hopefully I manage to get plenty of rest. Body has yet to break down, so I ought to reward it with a proper holiday. Taking care of myself like every intelligent individual would.

I think my blog posts are getting far shorter because I'm running out of meaningful things to say. Swamped and brain squeezed to the extent that I can't really come up with anything too complex to discuss here. Just living day to day from hand to mouth is already proving to be difficult. Been super long since I felt this swamped this badly... I guess I could always rely on at least a few other group members to pull their own weight. Ah well, its a wee bit too late to give up now, just going to plough forward and hope nothing goes wrong. At this stage, everything is still possible if we all work consistently... Trying to be optimistic because the moment doubt creeps in, I'd probably surrender under all the stress. Lesson learnt form cheer: Never give up because once you do, everyone else will throw in the towel with you. Partially a mental game I'm playing with myself. I can be productive for only as long as I believe I can be productive. Quash all doubts and fears and uncertainty. 

"Because you'd be mowed over the moment you stop."

Wheel

Playlist

Back to Tomorrow by 東方神起

Been playing this on repeat for quite a while, which is kind of relaxing, if a bit depressing. Totally reflects my current mood. Hmph. New Japanese album was recently released, and I think its pretty good? As I always tell everyone, I feel superbly embarrassed when I watch TVXQ on Japanese variety shows because they are so good in Japanese. They can easily function without a translator, which is something I still cannot do. I need a dictionary, at the very least, and a LOT of revision before I can even think of running around alone. Conversations would still warrant a lot of gesturing on my part and plenty 'request for explanation'. Lousy me.

Mid terms just ended earlier today, but I spent the whole day in school? Exam followed by training and throw in 2 project meetings for good measure. Typical life of a university student who's active in club activities and has to complete three full projects in 2 weeks. Add non-existent and MIA group members into the mix for good measure. My life is all about chasing deadlines the way pet poodles chase after tennis balls and hoping that the evil meanie thingy chasing after me doesn't gobble me up. Ok, this is a really pathetic example because I am creatively sucked dry. I know people feel that starving and homeless Parisians and New Yorkers make excellent artists, but this girl needs food and comfort to be able to think of witty ways portray a relatively bleak scenery?

I really want a holiday. A proper one? Not sure what I would give to get one. Really relax for one? Wait, I always say that, but the truth is that when I am on a holiday, I always do a million things and never get a proper opportunity to rest. I am always trying to make everyone else happy and I always forget that the only thing I really want is a whole day to myself? To rest and sleep and do whatever I want, or not do whatever I don't want to do. I think, for my 21st present to myself, I'm going to book a night in a decent hotel and just spend the whole day reading and lazing. Maybe go downstairs to swim and gym. Will definitely order room service. Maybe I'll spend the first day on my own? And the second day would be a pyjama party or something? Could be quite fun :D Maybe I should try planning now, although I foresee cost being a huge issue. I mean one night in MBS would probably cost as much as a flight to Hong Kong. Annoying.

Need to get back to work soon if I don't want to screw up this semester. Last semester was really awful for me academically and I need to do everything I can to make sure I don't hasten my academic suicide.

Sorry for the brevity. OMG I just started thinking of Thomas Beckett and Murder in the Cathedral. I miss the good old days of Literature, where life was reading books and trying to figure out the hundred and one unsaid things that probably were never really said but we assumed the author wanted to say anyway. Long sentence, but thinking off Literature makes me like this. Super keen to go on and on forever. Maybe it was my way of escapism. Seeing things in others that I wish I could see and things I didn't want to see, all reflected. Tough, but always entertaining. Teacher was awesome, class was pretty good, text was interesting... It was like a little slice of paradise where you could laugh and say whatever you wanted whenever you wanted. Where copying notes was fun. I miss Literature lessons.

"I fight loneliness and fear by pretending to be happier and more satisfied than anyone else."

Flip

Playlist

波瀾万丈、椿唄 by R指定

This is one of the few songs that feature in my playlist irrespective of my mood? The other is 星の無いの夜に by Deluhi. For some strange reason, these two songs always make me feel better about myself after I've heard them a couple of times? No matter how depressed I am, no matter how sad I am? I tend to cry during 星の無いの夜に, but I always feel more 'me' when I'm done. Its a bit sad how Deluhi disbanded and I feel guilty for being totally out with R指定. Not on purpose, just that I have not really been listening to anything new after returning from Japan? Unless the song is thrust right at me, which is the Korean style, the more subtle self promotion method of Japanese Visual Kei Really sorry... I'll work harder to look for nice songs to recommend!

Not really in a good mood now. Yeah, was reprimanded by my dad for wanting to go on exchange. He's telling me that since I could give up on Japan, I can jolly well give up on anywhere else. I wonder if its me changing, or its him who is losing it, because I have never given up on Japan. Maybe not now what with the mess that is the Tohoku region. Maybe not now what with the crazy exchange rate. It doesn't mean I've given up on it, all I've done is to merely shelve the desire to go there. There is rather big difference? Why else would I be learning the language for three years? Its not something that you throw away or forget that easily. I doubt I'd move there in the foreseeable future, but I think it is highly unlikely that I will stop associating with Japan. It would be like never responding if someone was to call my name.

My options now are 2 very simple places. Hong Kong or Taiwan. I'm not saying that I want to fly to the other side of the world. In fact, I should be making noise to go there what with the excellent exchange rate and all. I'm not suggesting Africa nor America nor India nor China, I picked places with relatively developed infrastructure and where I'd look just like a local. Its not that expensive, it has a pretty decent standard of living, rather safe in Asia... And he had to go and blow a fuse. I can pay for it on my own. I don't need him to pay for it, but it just goes over his head. I really don't understand what is the problem, and its silly to expect me to read his mind to figure it out. Tired of this. Its not that I MUST go on exchange? I would rather go on trips, but no, he says I have been traveling more than him (as if that is even possible) and burst a couple more blood vessels. I am highly inclined to ask him if he wants me to get married and settle down and be a stay at home mother or something. I'm quite sure such a statement would give him a brain aneurysm. What is the purpose of disposable income if you don't dispose of it? I am not allowed to trade, so all the money is doing in my bank is accumulate that pathetic 0.25% interest. Perhaps this is the curse of education. I am not getting any gratification from my savings. Unlike crazy hoarder old people, I do not derive satisfaction when watching the balance crawlingly increase. The interest rate isn't even enough to cover inflation. I might as well spend it and make myself happier OMG.

Ok, this the the limit, two lengthy paragraphs complaining about first world problems. Some people out there cannot even afford a university education, much less exchange. OH. On this note, I read, with slight disgust, Intelligent Life's commentary on rising university tuition fees. I wanted to laugh in the faces of the Europeans. Call me evil, but seriously, they live in this gilded cage where education is a state funded affair. Freaking 2000 Euros for a four year education is pricey? OMG have you seen what we pay here in Asia? You have no idea what I would give for such cheap education. No owing the bank staggering 5 figure sums the moment you step out into society... The relief would be enormous. Such children. I guess the Asian model is vastly different?

On a happier note, my mid terms are almost over! Just a bit more and I can relax for a few days before the mad rush to complete projects begin. And after that would be cramming for the finals. I guess this is the standard life cycle of a student, and I'm pretty used to it by now? After all I am a third year. You have the maturity and stability to balance things out? No longer panicking over every single thing. Things can and will get done if everyone do their best, of that I am sure. So yeah, will only become more active after my exams, but I think you'll still see traces of me here and there. Trying not to be online so often but old habits die hard. Always contactable by a text or a phone call, so don't be a stranger, because I'll always let you know if I'm busy. A thirty minute conversation shouldn't and wouldn't hurt. A three hour conversation might hurt though HAHA.

I miss my friends. Sighs.

"Its not unusual to go out at anytime/ But when I see you out and about its such a crime... Love will never do what you want it to..."

Pause

Playlist

Hot Summer by f(X)

Crazy, but I'm listening to something that appeals to guys more than girls. And its SM Entertainment's girls... Well at least its not as reputation damaging as Girls Generation. At least f(x) has the super cool Amber. Victoria is also pretty good as a singer? And Sulli is adorable in her own way. And I cannot seem to find high quality videos of TVXQ's new song. So f(X) will have to do for now. 

Recess week of this semester. Somehow, my groupmates aren't hunting me down to do work this semester, which is making me very very worried. I need to complete three projects, none of which have much progress? And none of them are fluffy projects either? Suicidal not to start, but what can I do if no one is replying? And no one is starting on the work? I mean while I could start on everything on my own, this is hardly the way to go about it. I can foresee everyone panicking at the 11th hour and we'd probably need to do some crazy repairs to whatever we have to make sure it isn't disgusting. Sometimes, I really hate the culture of my school. Rather, I think I dislike the attitude that exchange students have? They really treat a semester in Singapore like an extended summer holiday, what with the numerous visits to virtually every country in ASEAN to examine the beaches and shopping streets. Annoying to the maximum. Going to study and do whatever I can, because I don't want to be the one suffering when I have three million things to do in October...

If possible, I think I'll try to head to Hong Kong in December. Even if I am going to be the only one going. Not because I want to travel for the sake of traveling, but something tells me that I might really regret it if I do not take this holiday to vamoose out of this country. Highly unlikely that I will get to leave in 2012 because I need to clear my internship component, unless my company sends me overseas, which would be a huge joke. And I don't do well in Singapore for extended periods of time. Not precisely because breathing in humid air kills me, no it isn't the case, but more of a sense that unless I evacuate the country, I can be called up to serve, not in the army thank goodness, but for school. At any point in time they can dial my number and ask me to throw together a bunch of unwilling young adults together to somehow miraculously form a performance for some event in the not so distant future. Which totally stinks, because it means sacrificing sleep, free time and a gazillion other things to bow backwards to accommodate the school. I do appreciate the financial assistance by the school but honestly? I would much rather not be around to watch my team explode into little bits of debris when I need them to come together. They can come apart when I'm not there, I really do not care, but when I'm there... I have key performance indicators to meet, and I am one to deliver. I know this comment would make a lot of people mad, but I think I've done my fair share of community service. The only thing that stands between me and the door is duty, and I think my study of the Japanese language has a part to play in determining my commitment to a sinking ship. Not that I will exhaust brain cells to ponder the intricacies of my addiction to throw good money after bad money, but yeah. Even I have my limits.

Things will come to pass. One day none of us will remember the problems that plagued us, as we lay rotting in the ground. Oops, sorry, in this land scarce island, we don't even have ground space to lay rotting to contribute back to ecology. Taking everything that is thrown at us and sucking the world dry. Seems like an excellent method of maximising gratification. But nevertheless, its all nothing one day. No matter how hard you try, or didn't try, which can be seen as both a good thing and a bad thing? I use it to motivate myself when things get all screwey, but by the same reasoning, it works both ways? Ah, but it does work so...

Thoughts getting all jumbled up. About high time I stopped. Need to study for Economics. Sigh.

"Sometimes, nothing is better than fighting for something."