Control

Playlist

Ready Or Not by Shinee

February soon. Another month gone, and its about a year before I file for graduation. The horror. It only hit me sometime, last week? That I have been in this school for near three years and my time is almost up. 16 years in the Singapore education system, and the thought of searching for employment feels like a punch in the gut. And here, I will shamelessly admit that I am afraid. The fear that everything I've learnt so far is nowhere sufficient to allow me to safely embark on my career. That the job I'm at is horrible and I feel like killing myself every morning. So many concerns, the least of which is whether I'll be able to earn enough to feed my family. That, and the fact that I am still single and, more often then not, glamorously unavailable. Not because I am truly unavailable, but because I really do not bother to get to know more people. And I'm the type of girl guys avoid, because I am too much 'like a girl' yet 'ungirly'. No idea what these very brilliant boys have in mind, because I can't comprehend head nor tail of what they are trying to get at. So I have very accidentally crafted an image of inaccessibility and independence. As a Corporate Communications major, I feel sad to say that I have almost absolutely no control over my self image. Not sure how I am going to work in the future with my current inadequacy...

If there is one thing I have come to realise, it is that I am not the least bit strong. I, like every other person, get swayed by insincere lies. I fall victim to my biases and get preyed on by vicious people who are out to be mean and sabotage others. I complain and whine and make a lot of noises associated with the weak and useless. And there are some things in life that I cannot fight against. Nevertheless, I think I deserve marks for always making a conscious effort to try. Yeah I have failed, and I have given up prematurely, but I am of the belief that no matter if effort does not equate to result, the fact that you gave yourself a chance is sufficient grounds to applaud. After all, not all of us have nerves of steel and cast iron determination. I for one, do not, and while I will work hard not to deprive myself of an opportunity, I am not about to take masochistic pleasure of making my journey in life exceptionally difficult.

还在想着自己要的到底是什么。我可是不能一直无畏的追着某种远方的幻觉吧？不知不觉中便闭着眼睛走到了尽头，现在必须选新的道路了。无法避免的事实，而现实世界就是如此残酷。 管你有没心理准备，时间一到你只能前进， 否侧必须面对社会上的批评。感情？人情？在这无比现实的社会理，只有失败品与成功者。你要站在哪边呢？

What are you prepared to do to get what you want to achieve? What are your aims and goals worth to you? And the most important question, what are you worth? Principles, rules, limits... these are all concepts. What matters is what you are made of, and what you will withstand and stand for. How far will you push others, how far will you let others push you, how far will you push yourself. So many questions with no apparent nor easy answers. I think all these are things that we only find out over time, over trials and tribulations that life throws you, and through holes that you bury yourself in. Maybe this is what makes you a 'person'. So many things to consider, so much so that living and breathing is filled with decision variables. Ah, if only there was a walk through for life. I think the person who writes such a thing would be a billionaire many times over...

"Smile."

Place

Playlist

Airbag by Tablo

Lunar New Year has come and gone, and the workload from school is beginning to take its toil on me. My hours are still alright, but the sheer amount of readings that I need to do is scary. Three books worth of catching up, and this does not include the amount of work that I need to do and submit. Its a slow accumulation of work that never seems to go away. Best part is that it is only Week 3 and I'm beginning to drown. This is the earliest that I have ever experienced the pressure. And this is from all four of my modules. Not one, but all four. Finance is killer in ways that I expected, mainly being unbelievably difficult and confusing. Corporate communication classes requires a LOT of preparation and analysis of issues, because air time is very important. None of them are light, which might be because they are all Level 3 classes which hint at the sheer amount of work that needs to be done if I want to pass. Gonna keep fighting, so I guess I am alright for now. I think my professors will come to hate me for constantly knocking on their door for consultations, but I believe it is necessary. Self learning? A joke unless you're really intelligent. This is the reality of higher education.

Its end January, and I have yet to see a proper cheer routine from my group. Sort of given up hope, sort of resigned, sort of no longer interested. There are too many fires to fight in my life to waste time depressed about how no one seems to be sufficiently committed to make our trophy dream possible. I do not blame people for having different priorities, its just part of the way the world works. Everyone is different. Clubbing may be a priority because she wants a boyfriend. Spending time with her boyfriend may be a priority because she's afraid he will leave her. Training may be a priority because its the only time she has an excuse to see him. Different people, different goals, and its fine. I have my own life to lead and my own things to achieve. Time spent away from the mats can be invested in work, relaxation, studies and pursuit of other activities. Nothing to cry over. Nothing will disappoint if you don't have expectations to begin with.

郁闷的过着每一天。有时会觉得是自己活得太幸福太快乐所以会有这种多余的想法。若连三餐都吃不饱，睡得不好，一定不会有多余的精力来想这种没用的想法。应该吃多点苦，才会对现在的生活方式感到感激不尽，而不会怨东怨西，对人生感到不满。这样的我跟那些讨厌的千金公主殿下有何分别？吃好住好便开始活得如此舍此，浪费着时间和人生的无畏追着唯物主义的生活方式。的确，我对名牌衣服包包鞋子并不这么感兴趣，可是我可够挑食贪吃，也偏爱选昂贵的名食。经常觉得自己好奸好惹人厌。满嘴的大道理，但到了紧要关头却懦弱起来，真是可悲透了。有时会觉得我这种人该从这世上消失算了。又没什么贡献却一直引起麻烦事来，没救的人渣败类。

I find it rather amusing how things in Chinese differ so much from that in English. I find Chinese a far more succinct language, with so many concepts squished into one word, where English needs an entire string of words to convey one idea. And Chinese with its proverbs and sayings... I remember being awfully amused by how English had about four pages of proverbs to learn, when Chinese has dictionaries worth of them. Never managed to learn everything, not like there was a need to. Its so easy to pick it up and to infer meanings from the words alone. None of it cliched and all of it had a cute little story behind it to slam the knowledge into your long term memory. Of course some say that English requires less rod memorisation, but I've always found Chinese far too interesting to ever be JUST memory work. Maybe I'm lucky because my parents were keen to introduce me to other parts of the language that made it fun and relevant even in a country that functions in English. I love Chinese, I love its culture, and I think, if I could, I would go back to Chinese classes. Super sad that my school does not have anything other than Introduction to Chinese. Oh well...

Shall think of happy thoughts! Like how the smell of sun block reminds me of Japan, JENESYS and Osaka. Like how good it feels to run with my hair streaming behind me and my legs moving me forward. Like how comforting it is to wake up all toasty because of the sun coming in through the curtains. Like how a hot shower makes every sad thing disappear immediately. Like how yummy milk and cereal is at night when you're sleepy and hungry. Like how its so fun to laugh until I'm dizzy. Life is good, no matter how painful it can be.

"Shine a light through an open door/ Love and life I will divide/ Turn away cause I need you more/ Feel the heartbeat in my mind"

Return

Playlist

Somebody Else by Se7en

Never really a Se7en fan, but this song is pretty decent? Not one of the songs that you quickly forget after a while but those that stick in your head and sometimes pops out to annoy you. One of those. Which is good, because Se7en really needs something to boost his career. I'm all for good music in the world, because I believe everyone needs something to listen to when they are in one of those moods...

Technically, its the Lunar New Year season, which only goes to show how very long it has been since I last posted. I think it might be due to my pretty packed schedule. 4 modules, Nationals and a part time job is no joke. I know I was asking for it, so I am not complaining per se? Just a bit tired, and feeling sad that I no longer have the time to write lengthy posts to tell everyone more about my life. Not that there are that many people reading, but still... I like writing. Was just playing with the idea of posts in Chinese. Ok, maybe that is a wee bit ambitious, so maybe a paragraph at a time? Until I am certain that I can type coherent sentences in Chinese. Correction, coherent sentences that don't read like a 10 year old wrote it. Yeah. Aiming for that. Let's hope I am not biting off more than I can possibly chew.

最近又变得一点累了。总是在做相同的东西，日子过得相当难过。水母般的飘浮虽看起来蛮自由自在，但长久以来可是非常累人的。没有停息的地方是件相当痛苦的事。可能因为这样，自己好像喜欢上了不应该喜欢的人。明明知道他有多损却依然喜欢上他的我，感觉上可比他笨很多。已经认识了一段时间。从有女朋友到单身又有女朋友到又单身到又一次有女朋友而现在单身，这整段时间都一直有种认识。觉得他身材不错，人也蛮聪明，肯用功努力，就是他的态度遭透了。一个星期内可以跟两三个不同的女生搞关系， 吸烟喝酒的量度也有点恐怖。 很极端的人儿，认识我的人应该知道他是谁吧，而他也不是我一般上喜欢的菜色。所以我觉得我这辈子应该永远不会有什么进展？ 两个人实在是有太大的差别了。他也曾经说过，他喜欢我的原因是我永远不会被他的花言巧语给骗了，而我是他唯一能单纯的只有友情关系的女性朋友。这样的关系害我现在觉得有点困惑。我不知道自己是因为太闷了而对坏男生感兴趣，还是就是喜欢他？没有答案的问题。

That was not too difficult? Although I am certain that one day in the future, I am going to look back and laugh at my horrid Chinese. Not bad for someone who has not been writing anything in Chinese for the past few years. Excuses, and I'll work harder at this. No matter how many mean jokes about how I look like a country bumpkin from rural China that I get, I want to make sure that no one will ever feel that my language abilities are pathetic. It makes me mad and angry when they tease me, but I'm going to work at it. My appearance is not a reason for me to avoid the language. Never gonna be able to run away from this part, so I might as well make the best of everything. Being able to passively read is fun, but I want to be more actively engaged. Surrounding myself in English is easy, and life isn't exciting if its too easy. So as per my usual style, I'm gonna ramp things up and push myself to the limit. Until the day that I can't go anymore, I want to live a life that makes me feel proud of myself for doing things that seemed impossible. I want to be able to laugh at my previous fears of inadequacy and hug my new self with confidence.

In some strange way, I know that I will never be able to find someone who loves me as much as I love myself. If I did, maybe the way I see the world will change, but until that day comes, I think I will do all I can to be someone that I will always be able to be proud of. I want to never hesitate when asked if I love myself. I want to always be able to love myself for all my idiosyncrasies and quirks. I want to be able to be happy being me.

"This is not a payback. This is my return."

Haze

Playlist

Someone Like You by Adele

Really annoyed for the last few days, which I shall soon go in-depth into, but I'd like to say here that its strange how everyone says I look really good. As if I'm full of energy and happy. Which is why I sometimes feel that anger is totally my element. The rage gives me an extra bounce in my step, an extra flounce in my hair. I smile harder, and I move about with purpose. Burning candle? Maybe, but who cares? I don't intend to live that long either.

Angry. Really angry. The kind of anger, that if left alone, I will soon just shut off and close people off. Block off everyone and go back into my shell. I'd probably get depressed though. Either that or I'd be really snarky and evil for the next few weeks and purposely tread on toes. Of the both, I would think the latter would be more enjoyable, though I would definitely be burning a few bridges here and there. Onward to the main issue!

What kind of bloody useless friend are you? Trigger point was when you implied that I am troublesome and not worth effort. I hate your half-hearted attempts to get back to what we used to be. I hate how you always disappear into that annoying default face when you think I'm mad at you but think you're thinking too much. Well darling, I usually am. I just don't say it because it would be stupid if I were to reprimand you every time you did something awfully selfish and rude. You've made me wonder if I should even be friends with you so many times that its not funny anymore. You say you didn't know. You say I didn't tell you. You say sorry without meaning it. You say we're different, as if this fact didn't occur to you when you first met me and decided to get along with me. You say I give half-hearted 'smartphone' replies to your smses, well sugar, you were the one who first started it. Texts that seem to be a collection of emotes and lacking any concrete content. What do I respond to? How do I respond? Send you my own collection of emotes?! Fucking annoying. I hold back because you always say that I hurt you with my straightforward comments. And when I don't say anything, you say its weird and shut up too. So what? Am I supposed to stare at you in silence and read your mind? Too bad, I don't have this magical power.

I'm no longer really trying to connect the bonds. After all, you gave up on me first. I half-consciously tested you by not stepping out when you reached out. And instead of taking a step toward me, you backtracked and looked for someone else. All the times I reached out to take your hand. All the times I soldered on because I believed that it wasn't a me and you but a we. And my fate is to be abandoned the moment I falter. Good for you, to be connected such that there will always be people willing to cushion your life. I hope they stay the way I did, because I'm not going to for you anymore. Going overseas taught me that loneliness is chained to me, that no matter where I go I'll always feel out of the loop. And I guess, although painful, its ok. Its better than being betrayed.

Wanted to make things right. Wanted to see if we could stop gnawing on each other. Wanted to be someone that you could rely on. So why did it become like this?  I wonder when I'm not so angry and more emotional. If I could wave a magical wand and make things right, why not? But I know things will disintegrate. I'm no longer the child who cried to our mutual friend at my block, telling her I wanted to kill myself. I'm no longer the teenager who explodes over the phone, hoping you'd understand my rage and comfort me. I'm an adult, and as an adult, I'll walk away from things that aren't good for me. In this case, its you.

Do you feel hurt? I hope so. I'm not going to let you get away with hurting me. Well, I don't think I can inflict that much damage, I don't have so much time. I actually... Almost can't be bothered already. Not sure, but I really hope I can erase you from my life. Not worth staying having you in it if all you're gonna do to me is make me more messed up than I already am. Its fine, I can grow old alone with my jellyfishes. I think it would be rather peaceful.

Why does the first post of 2012 have to be so disappointing I wonder. Oh well, if I were to start the year on a non positive note, I think it can only get better. I remember what I got from the temple in Japan. I knew it would be a bad year, but for some strange reason, its not as bad as I had hoped, although it has most certainly been horrible in various ways. A level that I can deal with for now, so I shall pray that my life in this new year is less turbulent. As usual, there is not much I can do but to try my best and hope that things don't head south and never return. Such is life, and I think I used up all my good luck in summer. Not enough to tide the year, so with this new year, I hope I get a luck refill to survive the year. Really need it...

Short post as I need a shower. Long day in school thats even longer now due to these depressing emotions. Need to cleanse all the negative thoughts before I hug Pooh to sleep. 

"Only yesterday was the time of our lives/ We were born and raised/ In a summer haze/ Bound by the surprise of our glory days..."