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Ready Or Not by Shinee

February soon. Another month gone, and its about a year before I file for graduation. The horror. It only hit me sometime, last week? That I have been in this school for near three years and my time is almost up. 16 years in the Singapore education system, and the thought of searching for employment feels like a punch in the gut. And here, I will shamelessly admit that I am afraid. The fear that everything I've learnt so far is nowhere sufficient to allow me to safely embark on my career. That the job I'm at is horrible and I feel like killing myself every morning. So many concerns, the least of which is whether I'll be able to earn enough to feed my family. That, and the fact that I am still single and, more often then not, glamorously unavailable. Not because I am truly unavailable, but because I really do not bother to get to know more people. And I'm the type of girl guys avoid, because I am too much 'like a girl' yet 'ungirly'. No idea what these very brilliant boys have in mind, because I can't comprehend head nor tail of what they are trying to get at. So I have very accidentally crafted an image of inaccessibility and independence. As a Corporate Communications major, I feel sad to say that I have almost absolutely no control over my self image. Not sure how I am going to work in the future with my current inadequacy...

If there is one thing I have come to realise, it is that I am not the least bit strong. I, like every other person, get swayed by insincere lies. I fall victim to my biases and get preyed on by vicious people who are out to be mean and sabotage others. I complain and whine and make a lot of noises associated with the weak and useless. And there are some things in life that I cannot fight against. Nevertheless, I think I deserve marks for always making a conscious effort to try. Yeah I have failed, and I have given up prematurely, but I am of the belief that no matter if effort does not equate to result, the fact that you gave yourself a chance is sufficient grounds to applaud. After all, not all of us have nerves of steel and cast iron determination. I for one, do not, and while I will work hard not to deprive myself of an opportunity, I am not about to take masochistic pleasure of making my journey in life exceptionally difficult.

还在想着自己要的到底是什么。我可是不能一直无畏的追着某种远方的幻觉吧？不知不觉中便闭着眼睛走到了尽头，现在必须选新的道路了。无法避免的事实，而现实世界就是如此残酷。 管你有没心理准备，时间一到你只能前进， 否侧必须面对社会上的批评。感情？人情？在这无比现实的社会理，只有失败品与成功者。你要站在哪边呢？

What are you prepared to do to get what you want to achieve? What are your aims and goals worth to you? And the most important question, what are you worth? Principles, rules, limits... these are all concepts. What matters is what you are made of, and what you will withstand and stand for. How far will you push others, how far will you let others push you, how far will you push yourself. So many questions with no apparent nor easy answers. I think all these are things that we only find out over time, over trials and tribulations that life throws you, and through holes that you bury yourself in. Maybe this is what makes you a 'person'. So many things to consider, so much so that living and breathing is filled with decision variables. Ah, if only there was a walk through for life. I think the person who writes such a thing would be a billionaire many times over...

"Smile."