Haze

Playlist

Someone Like You by Adele

Really annoyed for the last few days, which I shall soon go in-depth into, but I'd like to say here that its strange how everyone says I look really good. As if I'm full of energy and happy. Which is why I sometimes feel that anger is totally my element. The rage gives me an extra bounce in my step, an extra flounce in my hair. I smile harder, and I move about with purpose. Burning candle? Maybe, but who cares? I don't intend to live that long either.

Angry. Really angry. The kind of anger, that if left alone, I will soon just shut off and close people off. Block off everyone and go back into my shell. I'd probably get depressed though. Either that or I'd be really snarky and evil for the next few weeks and purposely tread on toes. Of the both, I would think the latter would be more enjoyable, though I would definitely be burning a few bridges here and there. Onward to the main issue!

What kind of bloody useless friend are you? Trigger point was when you implied that I am troublesome and not worth effort. I hate your half-hearted attempts to get back to what we used to be. I hate how you always disappear into that annoying default face when you think I'm mad at you but think you're thinking too much. Well darling, I usually am. I just don't say it because it would be stupid if I were to reprimand you every time you did something awfully selfish and rude. You've made me wonder if I should even be friends with you so many times that its not funny anymore. You say you didn't know. You say I didn't tell you. You say sorry without meaning it. You say we're different, as if this fact didn't occur to you when you first met me and decided to get along with me. You say I give half-hearted 'smartphone' replies to your smses, well sugar, you were the one who first started it. Texts that seem to be a collection of emotes and lacking any concrete content. What do I respond to? How do I respond? Send you my own collection of emotes?! Fucking annoying. I hold back because you always say that I hurt you with my straightforward comments. And when I don't say anything, you say its weird and shut up too. So what? Am I supposed to stare at you in silence and read your mind? Too bad, I don't have this magical power.

I'm no longer really trying to connect the bonds. After all, you gave up on me first. I half-consciously tested you by not stepping out when you reached out. And instead of taking a step toward me, you backtracked and looked for someone else. All the times I reached out to take your hand. All the times I soldered on because I believed that it wasn't a me and you but a we. And my fate is to be abandoned the moment I falter. Good for you, to be connected such that there will always be people willing to cushion your life. I hope they stay the way I did, because I'm not going to for you anymore. Going overseas taught me that loneliness is chained to me, that no matter where I go I'll always feel out of the loop. And I guess, although painful, its ok. Its better than being betrayed.

Wanted to make things right. Wanted to see if we could stop gnawing on each other. Wanted to be someone that you could rely on. So why did it become like this?  I wonder when I'm not so angry and more emotional. If I could wave a magical wand and make things right, why not? But I know things will disintegrate. I'm no longer the child who cried to our mutual friend at my block, telling her I wanted to kill myself. I'm no longer the teenager who explodes over the phone, hoping you'd understand my rage and comfort me. I'm an adult, and as an adult, I'll walk away from things that aren't good for me. In this case, its you.

Do you feel hurt? I hope so. I'm not going to let you get away with hurting me. Well, I don't think I can inflict that much damage, I don't have so much time. I actually... Almost can't be bothered already. Not sure, but I really hope I can erase you from my life. Not worth staying having you in it if all you're gonna do to me is make me more messed up than I already am. Its fine, I can grow old alone with my jellyfishes. I think it would be rather peaceful.

Why does the first post of 2012 have to be so disappointing I wonder. Oh well, if I were to start the year on a non positive note, I think it can only get better. I remember what I got from the temple in Japan. I knew it would be a bad year, but for some strange reason, its not as bad as I had hoped, although it has most certainly been horrible in various ways. A level that I can deal with for now, so I shall pray that my life in this new year is less turbulent. As usual, there is not much I can do but to try my best and hope that things don't head south and never return. Such is life, and I think I used up all my good luck in summer. Not enough to tide the year, so with this new year, I hope I get a luck refill to survive the year. Really need it...

Short post as I need a shower. Long day in school thats even longer now due to these depressing emotions. Need to cleanse all the negative thoughts before I hug Pooh to sleep. 

"Only yesterday was the time of our lives/ We were born and raised/ In a summer haze/ Bound by the surprise of our glory days..."