Playlist
One of A Kind by GDragon
Just came back from a career talk by J.P. Morgan. Considering how this is technically the second week of semester, I can safely tell you that if you had told me that I would be doing this 3 years ago, I would have laughed in your face and told you the last place I will want to go to is a bank. I guess people change. Life changes us, our environments change, the options made available to us change... Everything changes. And I think that while it is often not something we look forward to, its what we need to do to stay alive. I wish I could maintain the mindset that I had when I was in nineteen. Or less ambitiously, last year. Nevertheless, I cannot go back to who I was. The me today is who I was yesterday, and then some. I cannot undo what was done to me in the course of today, any more than I can prevent myself from becoming who I will be tomorrow. Its part of nature, and sigh, I could go on and on about how much I want things to stay the way they are, but that is not going to happen.
I wonder what I will be doing in 3 years. I would definitely have graduated and would probably be working. Not sure in which industry and doing what but I really hope that it is something that I enjoy. otherwise, I hope that it pays the bills and my mounting school loans. I think I have arrived at this despondent stage where all I really want is something that allows me to live comfortably. When you're still in school, 3 years is no big deal, because you would probably still be in the same school. Considering how I am in my last year of education... The entire gamut of emotions just makes me very confused, scared and lost. Wondering how to deal with the mess that is my head trying to communicate with my heart and my soul. Tri-party networks are not famed for being stable.
Kind of consulted with my mum, and she told me to just apply for everything and try everything. her argument is that while rejection sucks, it builds character and at least I tried. No regrets later on when I'm older and looking back. Thinking about it, I guess while we cannot just sit back and let our lives run itself, there is a measure of luck and fate as well? Being at the right place at the right time, doing the right thing at the right time? Of course, being hardworking and smart does help with the connections and ultimately, the opportunities we get, but I suppose there is this element of affinity? I understand that this is simultaneously very fatalistic and anti-fatalistic, and you can blame it on my upbringing if it gives you a headache. As a Singaporean Chinese, I subscribe to both the Western mindset of man being master of his own fate, and the very Oriental concept of fate and destiny. It works alright in my head because I'm, well, me, but I understand its hard to accept both at once if you don't have the same baggage that I do. Always the case.
Not sure of what will happen anymore. I guess I can only do my best, plan as much as possible, and hope for the best? Trying to be optimistic here...
So much more that is going through my head but I am not sure of how to convey it all. I guess I still need some time. Hopefully my time is not running out...
" I ask for things that cannot, because I have dreams I want to flesh out."
Thursday, 30 August 2012
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
Weak
Playlist
In My Remains by Linkin Park
Borrowed the album from my cousin and I have been listening to it on an endless loop for about half a week. Usual for me when I like an album, but I have not done that since I got hold of Big Bang's Still Alive, and I really cannot remember the last time I listened to an English album on loop for a day, much less days. Only goes to show how much I like Linkin Park's new album I guess? The previous album was very forgettable to me, although it sounded plenty promising and I think I gave up on it sometime around the second rotation. It happens. It is what happened to most of the Japanese bands I follow, although in the case of Japanese bands, I kinda got annoyed at the numerous singles system. There would usually be a new track, a remix of an old track, and sometimes if you're lucky, maybe a Live version or a double side single release. Superbly annoying. Yeah they need to earn money but its not enough. I like things to be substantial. I really don't mind paying as long as its substantial. 10 minutes of music is anything but substantial.
Kinda getting used to Windows 7. Took me a while, but I guess it because there is always the initial resistance to new things that happens after you go past a certain age? But then the thrill of discovery sets in and you start being amazed at how you survived with all the minor little inconveniences that was present in the previous operating system. I guess it makes you realise how quickly people adapt to things? Not that I dislike my old computer or anything of the sort... In fact I like my old computer because I don't have to worry about missing things (for some very strange reason I lack some songs in the new computer's iTunes Library, even though I copied the entire library over... Hmm...), and about where to find the various functions. Mainly things like ease of use that stems from familiarity. After all, after 3 years, you do get a little attached.
And I have approximately 3 weeks left in this country. Which is plenty scary if you think about it in a very objective way. I do suppose that everyone on exchange feels roughly the same as I do though? The excitement that comes with going to a new country, the fear of being ostracised and robbed, the anticipation of meeting new people, the dread of staying alone for an extended period of time... Mixed and mashed together and I'm virtually a ball of nerves and this is unlikely to change anytime soon. I'm weak, and I always need people to want me around and need me around to feel alright. Yeah, I look like I'm superbly self assured and happy, but the truth is, I'm the type that is weak when others are strong and strong when others are weak. Which kinda makes me weak? The more you need me, the stronger I get. Something like that...
Most of my friends are attached and slowly, it becomes as though you are the weird one that no one loves. Sure, none of them are mean enough to say it, but sometimes its this half unsaid comment that just hangs in the air about you. Do I hate being single? Nope. Do I want to be attached? Maybe. Its that awkward phase where it feels more like a social obligation rather than a personal desire. Lousy reason to tie someone to me. But I will admit that I am weak. In a very strange way, I think I am a little afraid of being alone. I am not too sure of what I am like when I am by myself. Do I smile? Am I less annoying? I just tend to keep quiet and laze around and do the hundred and one things that introverts do when they are alone. Like blog. Read books and comics. Do my cross stitch. Things like that. I tend to avoid social networking when I am by myself, which hints at introversion. Sort of like... Adjusting my temperament to suit the situation, although I know that I am horrible at networking and at making friends. I guess people can just detect my lack of interest. Interestingly enough I am pretty decent in sales? The fake smile does work on people, enough to make them buy things but not enough for them to want to be my friend. I am so pathetic. Sigh.
Recently, my parents have been starting to talk about their retirement plans, and my career path and all the scary stuff that no one ever tells you when you're a kid. Its not scary like the monsters in the bathroom or the flying cockroaches that pop out of the bin cabinet; its scary because you know its there. Most of us will have the ill luck of experiencing aging, where your bones start to creak and your eyes start to fail and your teeth begin to fall out and your hearing dulls and all the other inevitable signs of physical deterioration. Getting old. Losing control of your body. And the worse part is how we all live like we are going to die, totally forgetting that we need to age before we get to die. I know things are not gonna be all fun and games for me in another fifty years, because even know, I have problems with my knees. My wrists feel weird on certain days, and I'm barely past my second decade of life. The back and the neck area, my fingers... All these are potential trouble spots just waiting to suffer from wear and tear... Goodness. This is such a very depressing topic.
Scrolled upwards and realised that this post is steadily growing in length. I guess it makes me happy when I see something nice and lengthy. The despondent ex-Literature student syndrome. You prefer extensive text and practice strange writing styles that most people never utilise because you learn the strangest tools that novelists and playwrights employ. Sometimes your sentences even rhyme, or have a certain meter thanks to all the poems you devoured in an attempt to better identify themes and patterns. I miss the good old days of laughing at the various themes and corny interpretations that we come up with. The teachers who loved what they were doing, the classmates who read and recommended books that were never on a reading list... Fun times. Gone.
Oh man, I just added another paragraph! Ok, all these thought shall probably be continued at another time in the, hopefully, not so distant future.
"Falling in the cracks/ Of every broken heart/ Digging through the wreckage/ Of your disregard..."
In My Remains by Linkin Park
Borrowed the album from my cousin and I have been listening to it on an endless loop for about half a week. Usual for me when I like an album, but I have not done that since I got hold of Big Bang's Still Alive, and I really cannot remember the last time I listened to an English album on loop for a day, much less days. Only goes to show how much I like Linkin Park's new album I guess? The previous album was very forgettable to me, although it sounded plenty promising and I think I gave up on it sometime around the second rotation. It happens. It is what happened to most of the Japanese bands I follow, although in the case of Japanese bands, I kinda got annoyed at the numerous singles system. There would usually be a new track, a remix of an old track, and sometimes if you're lucky, maybe a Live version or a double side single release. Superbly annoying. Yeah they need to earn money but its not enough. I like things to be substantial. I really don't mind paying as long as its substantial. 10 minutes of music is anything but substantial.
Kinda getting used to Windows 7. Took me a while, but I guess it because there is always the initial resistance to new things that happens after you go past a certain age? But then the thrill of discovery sets in and you start being amazed at how you survived with all the minor little inconveniences that was present in the previous operating system. I guess it makes you realise how quickly people adapt to things? Not that I dislike my old computer or anything of the sort... In fact I like my old computer because I don't have to worry about missing things (for some very strange reason I lack some songs in the new computer's iTunes Library, even though I copied the entire library over... Hmm...), and about where to find the various functions. Mainly things like ease of use that stems from familiarity. After all, after 3 years, you do get a little attached.
And I have approximately 3 weeks left in this country. Which is plenty scary if you think about it in a very objective way. I do suppose that everyone on exchange feels roughly the same as I do though? The excitement that comes with going to a new country, the fear of being ostracised and robbed, the anticipation of meeting new people, the dread of staying alone for an extended period of time... Mixed and mashed together and I'm virtually a ball of nerves and this is unlikely to change anytime soon. I'm weak, and I always need people to want me around and need me around to feel alright. Yeah, I look like I'm superbly self assured and happy, but the truth is, I'm the type that is weak when others are strong and strong when others are weak. Which kinda makes me weak? The more you need me, the stronger I get. Something like that...
Most of my friends are attached and slowly, it becomes as though you are the weird one that no one loves. Sure, none of them are mean enough to say it, but sometimes its this half unsaid comment that just hangs in the air about you. Do I hate being single? Nope. Do I want to be attached? Maybe. Its that awkward phase where it feels more like a social obligation rather than a personal desire. Lousy reason to tie someone to me. But I will admit that I am weak. In a very strange way, I think I am a little afraid of being alone. I am not too sure of what I am like when I am by myself. Do I smile? Am I less annoying? I just tend to keep quiet and laze around and do the hundred and one things that introverts do when they are alone. Like blog. Read books and comics. Do my cross stitch. Things like that. I tend to avoid social networking when I am by myself, which hints at introversion. Sort of like... Adjusting my temperament to suit the situation, although I know that I am horrible at networking and at making friends. I guess people can just detect my lack of interest. Interestingly enough I am pretty decent in sales? The fake smile does work on people, enough to make them buy things but not enough for them to want to be my friend. I am so pathetic. Sigh.
Recently, my parents have been starting to talk about their retirement plans, and my career path and all the scary stuff that no one ever tells you when you're a kid. Its not scary like the monsters in the bathroom or the flying cockroaches that pop out of the bin cabinet; its scary because you know its there. Most of us will have the ill luck of experiencing aging, where your bones start to creak and your eyes start to fail and your teeth begin to fall out and your hearing dulls and all the other inevitable signs of physical deterioration. Getting old. Losing control of your body. And the worse part is how we all live like we are going to die, totally forgetting that we need to age before we get to die. I know things are not gonna be all fun and games for me in another fifty years, because even know, I have problems with my knees. My wrists feel weird on certain days, and I'm barely past my second decade of life. The back and the neck area, my fingers... All these are potential trouble spots just waiting to suffer from wear and tear... Goodness. This is such a very depressing topic.
Scrolled upwards and realised that this post is steadily growing in length. I guess it makes me happy when I see something nice and lengthy. The despondent ex-Literature student syndrome. You prefer extensive text and practice strange writing styles that most people never utilise because you learn the strangest tools that novelists and playwrights employ. Sometimes your sentences even rhyme, or have a certain meter thanks to all the poems you devoured in an attempt to better identify themes and patterns. I miss the good old days of laughing at the various themes and corny interpretations that we come up with. The teachers who loved what they were doing, the classmates who read and recommended books that were never on a reading list... Fun times. Gone.
Oh man, I just added another paragraph! Ok, all these thought shall probably be continued at another time in the, hopefully, not so distant future.
"Falling in the cracks/ Of every broken heart/ Digging through the wreckage/ Of your disregard..."
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Caesura
Playlist
Its All Coming Back To Me by Glee (Original by Celine Dion)
In slight disbelief that it has been three months since I first started my internship. Last day today. What have I accomplished? This I know not at this point in time. I could tell you about what I did and what was my job description, and as I have mentioned previously, I could go on and on about the fluffy things... But it would be completely missing the point. I will honestly admit here that no matter what the hell I decide to write in my internship report, I have absolutely no stinky idea as to what I've achieved in this span of time. The worst part is that I believe I will be as lost until sometime a year or two later. New York, Montreal and Japan is just starting to sink in. Pray tell what makes an internship easier to absorb than the most expansive trip I have ever taken in my entire life?
So yes, I do feel extremely lost now. Not sure of what I want, where I want to go and how to go about from here on. So many things that I have yet to try and cannot yet decide on how I want to proceed. I do not even know if I am really doing what I want... I guess I feel like a headless chicken/housefly that is just running amok with neither purpose nor a destination in mind... And this is the kind of knowledge that makes you feel useless and upset about yourself.
This will be a super short post because I have no idea of what else to type. Been quite a while since everything in my head dried up so... Sorry? I guess ruminating is not a good thing if done in excess. Then again, nothing that is done in excess is ever really good. I mean yeah, you could say that a certain amount of dedication is necessary to accomplish results, but honestly? I often feel that it is just a very fine line between being determined and being stubborn. The same way there is a line between seeking better results and overdoing things. The most hilarious thing is how we decide on which side of the line we are on, and everyone has a different idea of what is acceptable and unacceptable.
I mean, take the Olympics for example. Most of the athletes train about six to eight hours everyday, some even go all the way up to ten hours. I mean if I told my mum I wanted to run for anything more than an hour everday, she would probably tell me that I am overdoing it. But I guess the desired outcome, and hence the guideline for the intensity of the activity differs. I am nowhere trying to be an Olympian, and I have other things to do in life. Not like they are any more meaningful but... Yeah, I think thats why things are the way they are.
Yes, I should probably stop here. Half baked thoughts and strange reasoning. Until next time.
I mean, take the Olympics for example. Most of the athletes train about six to eight hours everyday, some even go all the way up to ten hours. I mean if I told my mum I wanted to run for anything more than an hour everday, she would probably tell me that I am overdoing it. But I guess the desired outcome, and hence the guideline for the intensity of the activity differs. I am nowhere trying to be an Olympian, and I have other things to do in life. Not like they are any more meaningful but... Yeah, I think thats why things are the way they are.
Yes, I should probably stop here. Half baked thoughts and strange reasoning. Until next time.
"I finished crying in the instant that you left... And I banished every memory that you and I had ever made... "
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