Flesh

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One of A Kind by GDragon

Just came back from a career talk by J.P. Morgan. Considering how this is technically the second week of semester, I can safely tell you that if you had told me that I would be doing this 3 years ago, I would have laughed in your face and told you the last place I will want to go to is a bank. I guess people change. Life changes us, our environments change, the options made available to us change... Everything changes. And I think that while it is often not something we look forward to, its what we need to do to stay alive. I wish I could maintain the mindset that I had when I was in nineteen. Or less ambitiously, last year. Nevertheless, I cannot go back to who I was. The me today is who I was yesterday, and then some. I cannot undo what was done to me in the course of today, any more than I can prevent myself from becoming who I will be tomorrow. Its part of nature, and sigh, I could go on and on about how much I want things to stay the way they are, but that is not going to happen.

I wonder what I will be doing in 3 years. I would definitely have graduated and would probably be working. Not sure in which industry and doing what but I really hope that it is something that I enjoy. otherwise, I hope that it pays the bills and my mounting school loans. I think I have arrived at this despondent stage where all I really want is something that allows me to live comfortably. When you're still in school, 3 years is no big deal, because you would probably still be in the same school. Considering how I am in my last year of education... The entire gamut of emotions just makes me very confused, scared and lost. Wondering how to deal with the mess that is my head trying to communicate with my heart and my soul. Tri-party networks are not famed for being stable.

Kind of consulted with my mum, and she told me to just apply for everything and try everything. her argument is that while rejection sucks, it builds character and at least I tried. No regrets later on when I'm older and looking back. Thinking about it, I guess while we cannot just sit back and let our lives run itself, there is a measure of luck and fate as well? Being at the right place at the right time, doing the right thing at the right time? Of course, being hardworking and smart does help with the connections and ultimately, the opportunities we get, but I suppose there is this element of affinity? I understand that this is simultaneously very fatalistic and anti-fatalistic, and you can blame it on my upbringing if it gives you a headache. As a Singaporean Chinese, I subscribe to both the Western mindset of man being master of his own fate, and the very Oriental concept of fate and destiny. It works alright in my head because I'm, well, me, but I understand its hard to accept both at once if you don't have the same baggage that I do. Always the case.

Not sure of what will happen anymore. I guess I can only do my best, plan as much as possible, and hope for the best? Trying to be optimistic here...

So much more that is going through my head but I am not sure of how to convey it all. I guess I still need some time. Hopefully my time is  not running out...

" I ask for things that cannot, because I have dreams I want to flesh out."