Weak

Playlist

In My Remains by Linkin Park

Borrowed the album from my cousin and I have been listening to it on an endless loop for about half a week. Usual for me when I like an album, but I have not done that since I got hold of Big Bang's Still Alive, and I really cannot remember the last time I listened to an English album on loop for a day, much less days. Only goes to show how much I like Linkin Park's new album I guess? The previous album was very forgettable to me, although it sounded plenty promising and I think I gave up on it sometime around the second rotation. It happens. It is what happened to most of the Japanese bands I follow, although in the case of Japanese bands, I kinda got annoyed at the numerous singles system. There would usually be a new track, a remix of an old track, and sometimes if you're lucky, maybe a Live version or a double side single release. Superbly annoying. Yeah they need to earn money but its not enough. I like things to be substantial. I really don't mind paying as long as its substantial. 10 minutes of music is anything but substantial.

Kinda getting used to Windows 7. Took me a while, but I guess it because there is always the initial resistance to new things that happens after you go past a certain age? But then the thrill of discovery sets in and you start being amazed at how you survived with all the minor little inconveniences that was present in the previous operating system. I guess it makes you realise how quickly people adapt to things? Not that I dislike my old computer or anything of the sort... In fact I like my old computer because I don't have to worry about missing things (for some very strange reason I lack some songs in the new computer's iTunes Library, even though I copied the entire library over... Hmm...), and about where to find the various functions. Mainly things like ease of use that stems from familiarity. After all, after 3 years, you do get a little attached.

And I have approximately 3 weeks left in this country. Which is plenty scary if you think about it in a very objective way. I do suppose that everyone on exchange feels roughly the same as I do though? The excitement that comes with going to a new country, the fear of being ostracised and robbed, the anticipation of meeting new people, the dread of staying alone for an extended period of time... Mixed and mashed together and I'm virtually a ball of nerves and this is unlikely to change anytime soon. I'm weak, and I always need people to want me around and need me around to feel alright. Yeah, I look like I'm superbly self assured and happy, but the truth is, I'm the type that is weak when others are strong and strong when others are weak. Which kinda makes me weak? The more you need me, the stronger I get. Something like that...

Most of my friends are attached and slowly, it becomes as though you are the weird one that no one loves. Sure, none of them are mean enough to say it, but sometimes its this half unsaid comment that just hangs in the air about you. Do I hate being single? Nope. Do I want to be attached? Maybe. Its that awkward phase where it feels more like a social obligation rather than a personal desire. Lousy reason to tie someone to me. But I will admit that I am weak. In a very strange way, I think I am a little afraid of being alone. I am not too sure of what I am like when I am by myself. Do I smile? Am I less annoying? I just tend to keep quiet and laze around and do the hundred and one things that introverts do when they are alone. Like blog. Read books and comics. Do my cross stitch. Things like that. I tend to avoid social networking when I am by myself, which hints at introversion. Sort of like... Adjusting my temperament to suit the situation, although I know that I am horrible at networking and at making friends. I guess people can just detect my lack of interest. Interestingly enough I am pretty decent in sales? The fake smile does work on people, enough to make them buy things but not enough for them to want to be my friend. I am so pathetic. Sigh.

Recently, my parents have been starting to talk about their retirement plans, and my career path and all the scary stuff that no one ever tells you when you're a kid. Its not scary like the monsters in the bathroom or the flying cockroaches that pop out of the bin cabinet; its scary because you know its there. Most of us will have the ill luck of experiencing aging, where your bones start to creak and your eyes start to fail and your teeth begin to fall out and your hearing dulls and all the other inevitable signs of physical deterioration. Getting old. Losing control of your body. And the worse part is how we all live like we are going to die, totally forgetting that we need to age before we get to die. I know things are not gonna be all fun and games for me in another fifty years, because even know, I have problems with my knees. My wrists feel weird on certain days, and I'm barely past my second decade of life. The back and the neck area, my fingers... All these are potential trouble spots just waiting to suffer from wear and tear... Goodness. This is such a very depressing topic.

Scrolled upwards and realised that this post is steadily growing in length. I guess it makes me happy when I see something nice and lengthy. The despondent ex-Literature student syndrome. You prefer extensive text and practice strange writing styles that most people never utilise because you learn the strangest tools that novelists and playwrights employ. Sometimes your sentences even rhyme, or have a certain meter thanks to all the poems you devoured in an attempt to better identify themes and patterns. I miss the good old days of laughing at the various themes and corny interpretations that we come up with. The teachers who loved what they were doing, the classmates who read and recommended books that were never on a reading list... Fun times. Gone.

Oh man, I just added another paragraph! Ok, all these thought shall probably be continued at another time in the, hopefully, not so distant future.


"Falling in the cracks/ Of every broken heart/ Digging through the wreckage/ Of your disregard..."