Cookie

Playlist

明星オリオン by D=Out

I smell like butter and sugar. Yes, I've showered, but the cloying smell seems to have seeped into my pores. My hair smells like shampoo and my skin smells like soap, but under all these, its the smell of sugar and butter. As if while baking, I was soaking in the scents in the kitchen as well. Its not that I hate it, just that I'm not used to smelling like food. I usually eat food. Not smell like food. Not the delectable kind of girl. More of the kind of girl you'd avoid being with because I'm not cute nor amusing. I'm more if the type who's like a cat. Faintly interesting and seemingly concerned about you, but you'll never reach my core. For all my smiles and hugs and glomps, how many people can claim to know me? If you've been to my house, I guess you'd probably be able to say that you're a friend. All the others? I have no idea? Somewhere in the various gray areas I suppose? If you have to sincerely ask... *smiles*

Anyway, the cookies are pretty good, if you like them a wee bit charred and crunchy. Plenty of filling and slightly sweet. Overall, I think I did a pretty decent job for someone who has not used the oven for more than a year. Tell me if you want some? I'll pass them to you, as long as there are still some left. Whilst stocks last~

I think I'm in this weird state of mind now. I refuse to let it be June, simply because time is passing too fast. I fear July and the administrative things that i will have to do for school with it. Disgusting. Another year to fight through and struggle with. I must have been mentally retarded when I made my choice. Yes, distance is a non-issue, but the workload is HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. It makes you wonder if suicide is worth it because of the sheer amount of work that will be left over. You're actually worried if the work will haunt you even after you die. You cannot fall ill. You cannot take a break, because the work will pile up. I'm going to say something random now, and that is that I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend, much less get married and have kids. Its not the lack of boyfriend and potential spouses that I'm worried about. I really really want a child. Not now, but in the near future. As in, within the next ten years, so its more of a long term plan to most, but what is ten years to me? Random much? I've yet to meet anyone that I'm interested in anyway. Sure, there are good looking guys here and there, nice guys someplace around and all the other types elsewhere. Nevertheless, I've yet to come across someone that makes me feel 'I can work with you in the long run', much less 'I can't do without you'. Pathetic eh?

Sometimes I'm really jealous of the people around me. I want to grab them and shake them really hard and yell at them to appreciate the things that they are taking for granted. Then again, there are likely to be people who wish to do the same to me? I would not be too surprised if there really were people who think I'm a spoilt princess who takes everythting that I possess for granted. Personally, while I joke that I am my father's princess, deep in my heart, there's this sense of uncertainty whenever I say it. If something is the truth, there is this weight when you say it. Well, its not like the declaration of my princess-hood is utterly unture, although there are elements of it for sure. After all, which princess you know would clean the floor, do the laundry, run errands... MY GPA stinks. I want a better GPA. So I shall work harder (and smarter towards a better GPA). So what if I can qualify for the better exchange programmes? With only 3 to 5 places a year, cometition is tough! I will definitely get into that particular programme. After all, its what I want~

This seems like a short post. I suppose I'm sick and tired of posting this? Sometimes, there are just some things that will not do well to be mentioned in a blog. The nature of what needs to be said might require it to be carried away with the wind. And I should stop my bad habit of passing off my thoughts and opinions as that of others. I lose out on the credit, and there is no risk. Not enjoyable. Too safe. And there's going to be a Koi Bubble Tea store at Iluma~

"If I could embrace you and never let you go..."

Worth

Playlist

Vampire Depression by VAMPS

I think I'm going to be murdered for this blog post. But I think I'd feel like I'm a terrible friend if I didn't post this. The content, as a disclaimer as you know how much I like to warn people, is going to make you pissy. Like real pissy. So if you're just going to get mad and NOT THINK about why and what all these mean, please shelve and read this some other time. I'm your friend. I'm not a puppet. I'm not a parrot. I'm not polishing apples and licking boots. I'm saying this because you need it. It hurts and you can say I don't understand, but then again, how much of ANYTHING can we claim to understand? So yes. In bad mood now? DON'T READ. I never remove posts, as you all know, so you can read this after you cool down and calm down. I don't want to hurt you, but I think you need to think about this as well.

Humans are selfish. Selfless humans are virtually non-existant. I'm selfish. So are you. And everyone else out there. We want people to love us and be with us and care for us and do what we want them to do. Parents love their children, not the children of their colleagues and neighbours. We care for our friends, and not for random people. We cannot really connect beyond our community, so those who seem more caring just have a larger group encompassed within their definition of community. What am I trying to say? I'm in your community. I sincerely want to help you. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for there to be any negatoive outcome of everything that I do and say. Nevertheless, life is never really the way that we dream and envision it to be. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. And I'm sorry for being the one who did it. I'm really sorry. If you cannot forgive my good intentions, I can understand. There are some things that you never forgive, no matter who it is. I'm sorry.

I'm someone who wants to live up to expectations. I work very very hard not to disappoint. I'd jump through hoops of fire if it meant I could make the people I love smile. Of course there are negative expectations, and in those situations, its a circle of hurting each other. But overall? I've always worked hard to deliver what was expected and needed. My parents wanted good grades, so I study like my life depends upon it. My CCA mates need someone to rely on, so I become as dependable as I can be. I don't have to like it, I'll just do it if it ought to be done. Which may be the problem with me. You see, there are no emotions involved, and there is no issue of not possible. Especially with regard to my parents. If my parents wanted me to become a doctor, I think I would be studying medicine now. Its that simple. There is no room for failure, no room for non-performance. If it didn't come true, I think some part of my existence would cease to be. Some part of me would lose its meaning. So I fight to live by fighting to meet expectations. And thats the difference between you and me. 

You see, even if you failed, you would still have options. Even if things went wrong, there would always be a back door route for you. Its not the same for me, because I have no alternative. If I stray off the path, all I'd get is darkness. I cannot turn back and I cannot make a detour. I have to walk the path laid ahead of me to prove my existence. Of course, all the self-help books would tell you to break away and recreate your boundaries. Cross the border. Think out of the box. And other cliches. Well, I think people who don't even know that it is a box cannot escape. And even if you got out of the box, all you'd get is a bigger box. You're trapped forever, as long as you exist within that identity and body. You can't get away, as you disappear if you leave the path created for you. And like any other self preserving and selfish human being, I need to stay alive, which is why I'm where I am today. I can only be here. I cannot exist elsewhere. I sincerely hope that you can understand the difference between us now. It isn't that I'm smarter or faster or richer or better or anything. I'm just fighting desperately for survival while its a game for you. You can restart the game. reroll the dice. Me? All I have is one path out of this.

I'm not trying to make you sympathise with me. I don't need pity, because this is the only way I have. You don't pity an insect for having an exoskeleton. You don't pity a fish for not being able to breathe out of water. It just is the way things are. My way of life is the only one I know. Rather, why not try to make the best of your own situation? To me, I'm fine with the way I am because I have no alternative. You won't see me in parallel universes because there are no other choices for me to make. I have only one path. For you who has an alternative, why not explore you other options? If you were to realise that its a dead end on this path, why not change to another path? You can make the switch. All it needs is a bit of faith and some effort. Infinitely better then me who, no matter the effort and faith, will never be able to swap for anything else.

I hope you understand what I mean. I left this a wee bit obscure, I know. If you need clarification, tell me? I'll be here. No matter when, I'll be here for you, waiting.

"What is worth? Someone please tell me...?"

Rush

Playlist

Lupin by KARA

My brain is half dead. And yes, in case you were worried that school has started, the answer is NO. Its still the summer holidays. How do you tell? First, humidity and temperatures are soaring to greater heights. Second, there are no complaints about school work on my blog. Third, I'm half dead from being overworked by CCA, cosplay and CIP. See the 3Cs? The fourth will be the beginning of vulgarities being hurled at my life and my inane ability to overwork myself when I'm supposed to be vacationing and playing.

I need to go to the beach. Any takers?

There are times when I feel that modern people are just hastening their demise. We sleep so few hours that the prescribed 8 hours seem like a luxury instead of a necessity. We rush from place to place, as we think taking our own sweet time is a waste time. We schedule one activity after another as we think being lazy is a sin. We work our hair, socks and eyebrows off as we all need money to feed our narcisstic tendencies and material desires.We demand excellence and immediate responses so much that a slight delay aggravates us and makes us pissy. We eat rubbish, breathe in rubbish food and spew more rubbish out onto the streets. Personally, I think humans are disgusting, me included. So if I ever compare you to an animal, please be honoured. No, I'm not joking. 

I know full well that I have just returned form the nice and breezy HK. I know full well that the photos are no where to be seen online. I know full well that I'm supposed to be all happy and rested and LOVING every single minute that I'm engaged in meaningful community aiding activities. I know I'm supposed to be superbly happy about getting my photo taken after the long break. And I know that only in fairytales to you SUPPOSEDLY live happily ever after. After all, this is not a galaxy far far away. Nor is it once-upon-a-time-land. This is here and now. Not there. Not later. Its called the present, and like all gifts given by our dearest god almightly, its a double edged sword and jack-in-the-box combined. Its going tospring out at you and STAB YOU IN THE EYE. Yes, I'm still sane, most unfortunately. Else I'd plead insanity and go rest in IMH.

I ought to sleep earlier. My complexion is terrible. I think it is partially the allergic reaction when I was leaving for HK and my time of the month. Like everyone who knows me can tell, my face virtually explodes into a mass of pimples everytime I get my period. One look and you know which part of my monthly cycle I'm at. The nicer my complexion, the further away from my the bloddy thing. Sigh. I know its part of me being a girl, but it is so irrtating. Why can't I just lay eggs like chickens or something? Okay, I take that back. It'd be a huge pain to lay an egg first thing every morning. It might actually be even worse than bleeding 7 days of the month and sporting a pimple-filled face for 14 days of the month. Comparative evil and all. Guys have it easier in this aspect nyah~

On the topic of procreation, I think I'm going to give up on my goal. A bit too difficult. If you don't know what I am talking about, please pay more attention to me. I'm too lazy and irritated at having to continuously repeat myself. And in case you forgot, I don't like BOYS. I like MEN. I like guys who aren't busy chasing after whimisical games because they cannot be bothered to think more. The only person who can do that and get all my love is my younger brother. If you don't fit into the above mentioned category, stop thinking that I'm amused by your little antics. Monkey tricks are only appealing in the zoo or at the circus.

On a final note, I think those who think that all bloggers are eyeliner spamming bimbos ought to hurl themselves off the nearest skyscraper. I recommend a high rise building, preferably throw yourself off the ledge  above the 12th floor. Higher probability of death. And make sure that there is nothing but hard concrete on your way down. You'd make a wonderfully bloddy pancake on the sidewalk. Insulting buggers, to quote Winter. I like eyeliner, but I hardly ever use make-up. And I spam eyeliner only for a photoshoot and only because I have single eyelids. Sheesh! Imbeciles! I'm not a poodle toting bimbo! The only poodle are those balloons I sell! And those are for CHARITY. You can buy one from me at $2 if you wish. (Shameless plug)

Okay, I shall stop the ranting and raving....

"If results were everything, we'd stop living our lives because the end result is death."

Rail

Playlist

Last Game by Matenrou Opera

I miss my old self. The self that I was before all this nonsense began. The self who never questioned my instincts, and never buttered the truth. The self who would do things honestly, and unflinchingly take the punishment for mistakes. The self who faced the world with wide eyes, head on. I miss that me. I'm not certain that I can go back to that period of innocence. Lost and never to return. Its saddening. And infuriating. But deep down inside, I guess I acknowledge the fact that we all lose parts of ourselves along the way. Purity and innocence are ideals that we can scarce afford when we're surrounded by scheming wolves. Sure, I could hold on to these. Of course, this blog would have died out some 3 to 4 years ago. Oh yeah. That means it would never have existed in the first place! So yes. Survival of the fittest. Or in this case, those who can afford to lose more. Nevertheless, I miss myself. Hey, I'm entitled to sentimental feelings for the portions of my life I sacrificed!

There are times when I wake up in the morning and wonder what it is that keeps me ticking. What makes it such that I can wake up in the morning and not die at night? What makes it such that my heart still beats, my heart functions, my brain is processing away and all other bodily activities are a GO? And best of all, why do I keep waking up? If there is a higher purpose, I'd really like to find out, because I honestly feel that I'm barely better than a marionette. I'm doing the same things in the same old pattern every day. I'm going about my life with as much drive as a car with a dead battery. Which is to say that I'm dragging my feet all the way and not really putting in sufficient effort into anything. I think I'm a lucky gal, but I'm not doing enough? I'm not sufficiently motivated enough. Its not an external thing; I know I'm not one to be very driven by external circumstances. Internal motivation is sorely lacking.

I was at Borders that day and bought a full length kanji dictionary. I realised that while the online dictionaries were plenty cute and all, there are certain word applications that were absent. Of course, there are the more common words, but when I want to check the meaning of the phrase, the most online dictionaries can do is to give me the meaning of each individual kanji, and I'll have to put it all together. Yes, I'm able to understand Chinese, which makes studying Japanese much easier, but there are some combinations that are different. Nuances, as the Japanese adopted kanji so many hundred years ago and there has been a separate developement of kanji to suit the needs of the island nation. Chinese, on the other hand, was utilised by a larger community and has been directly modified by modern day culture (without katakana to buffer foreign words out) so its inevitable that there are differences. In case you're wondering, I'm NOT a linguistics professor. The sheer number of errors in my blog should be testament to that. I'm just a girl who happens to have been brought up in an Chinese family in an English speaking country, and have an interest in the Japanese language. I can read and write Chinese and English just fine, although I'm linguistically weaker in Chinese, with basic knowledge of Japanese. So I'm no expert, though I love the Chinese and Japanese language. Its so romantic, compared to English. The way the characters are formed, and the way the sentences are structured... Pretty~

Okay, I sound superbly biased. I'm not! The fact that this blog is in ENGLISH should be reason enough. I wouldn't be able to construct a blog like this in Chinese. For me, Chinese is a language close to my heart. I won't want to use it to blog, because you run the risk of overtly emoting and sounding like the blurb of some weepy drama serial. I'd probably sound like a primary school student if I were to blog in Chinese, and a toddler if I did so in Japanese. URGH. I need to hit the books again. either that or I need to be dropped into the middle of China or Japan. I'd prefer Japan, just so you know, because they have a better public transporatation system.

I believe I've happily went off tangent and derailed at some far off island in the middle of the Pacific. Pardon the pathetic attempt at humour. My life is boring ya know? So this is a short post, and I'll go see if there's anymore laundry that needs to be done. If there's one thing that is always present, its laundry. Did it on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and now? There are still clothes waiting to be washed. Other clothes waiting to be folded. And some waiting to be kept. The sad reality is that the cycle repeats.

"Is background noise is better than oppresive silence?"

Trip

Playlist

春風シャララ by D=Out
 

Back in Singapore. The trip to HK was pretty good overall. Of course there were irritating episodes with sales people, but I enjoyed my trip. I went with wonderful people and met more wonderful people than expected, so I think it was worth the time and money. It was a packed 5 days, so I think I'll just blog about whatever I can remember? I didn't really go to any really tourist-ish area, so there aren't many photos. What I did was to shop. Walk. Eat. Shop. Walk. And eat. Had loads of good food in HK. I think in HK, unlike SG, its harder to find awful food because most of the stores are the property and livelihood of the local people. A greater sense of pride in their store maybe? Anyhow, now that I'm back, I have no idea of what to eat! In HK I was out walking about, so I just entered any store that struck my fancy. Here, I need to detach myself from my chair and walk out to find food, the main difficulty being the detaching from my chair part. And the finding food part. No idea what to eat nowadays...

Stayed in a pretty decent hotel with HL and Viv. 2 Queen sized beds with a pretty big shower. I forgot to take photos, but trust me, it was alright. It was fun to room with HL and Viv. Quite an interesting combination. I wouldn't say that they became best friends, but I think the both of them got along? I was kinda afraid that there would be queer silences where neither wants to speak to the other because they can't tolerate the other but... Yeah, it turned out okay. Nevertheless, I felt kinda bad for both HL and Viv. HL because she wanted to shop, but out of consideration for both me and Viv, toned it down. As for Viv, I could tell that the last place she wanted to be was that mall, whatever it was called. I think it would have been easier on her if it was more tourist-ish things that we wanted to do, rather than the monotonous pattern of checking out every single shop along Tsim Tsa Tsui to see if they stock that particular shoe I wanted. YES. We went into virtually every shoe store to see if they stocked that ONE particular pair of heels that I wanted. Single minded determination. Or you can peel back that layer of fluff and say that I'm a stubborn pig. While I did say that I had given up, I still went into each and every shop to scan for that pair of shoes. Finally found it after exhausting Viv. She would enter the shop, find the chair, plop down and then I would appear and say those two words that would send us all walking again. "I'm done." I think she hates me now.

Other than our madcap adventure to search for one pair of heels, we shop hopped as well. I managed to get a two pretty decent dresses, although one of them, on hindsight, is very much overpriced. But I like the design, so... HAHA. I'm going to ignore the expenditure as much as possible. Other than that, I stupidly bought an oversized satin bustier that I will probably see if my tailor can alter, a pair of socks, a pair of tights, a waist belt, a white eyeliner, and a pair of hot shorts that will only look flattering on me if I suddenly became skinny like Kaen. Which is like... NEVER. So in conclusion, I should never buy on impulse. NEVER. EVER. Anyhow, I got more basics later on when I met up with my parents, namely a vest and a cardigan. And then I found a really cool looking denim skirt. I got annother pair of tights. And then I found this jumper skirt-ish thing which I bought. Followed by bangles that I love and ADORE. I bought EXILE's latest album at HMV, and a Japanese fashion magazine to entertain me on the flight back. This is about everything inedible that I purchased, other than my MTR cards. OH YEAH. I got a present for Kaen too! Personally, I don't think I bought a lot of things. Most of these are wardrobe basics, and I can share them with my mum. Yup~

Shopping for others in HK is really difficult! Wanted to get things for my brother... But there was nothing appropriate for a reasonable sum of money. Everything was about a hundred, and there is NO WAY I will buy fugly teeshirts just so that I get something for my Smacky. Over my dead and rotting body! Wanted to get presents for others too, but it just didn't work out. Unless I buy food, repeated presents or cute and useless articles... Yeah. Not appealing AT ALL. Nothing screamed at me to get for anyone in particular. So sorry my dears! Next time, come with me and play! The experience would be loads better than presents I think?

I've come to realise that I tend to reply more on my parents when I'm with them. When I'm with my friends, I am much more conscious of my surroundings. I would notice the location, the direction I'm travelling, how much money I spend, the people around me... Everything. When with my parents? HAHA. I thought I misplaced my passport when it was lying in my bag all along. Utter panic. I'm way more careless, and I put my things everywhere. I'm less conscious of where I am, and I behave like I'm 15. Seriously immature. No wonder my parents worry about me while my friends do not. I think I should really leave my home for a while. Make myself more independent, turn it into a habit and stop over-relying on my parents. Be an adult. Explore the differenet facets of my personality. Stress myself. gain experience. I sound like Pokemon trainer. HAHA. Not funny. I'm a university student, and yet I'm a kid in front of my parents. I should stop being a spoilt brat so they will stop treating me like a spoilt brat. Sigh. Life is never as clear cut and simple as we try to make it out to be.

Given a choice, I think the most is one more vacation in HK. I want to spend an entire day at Ocean Park. Shopping wise, I already know where to go, so I suppose it'd be much easier the next time round. Four days should do it. One full day at Ocean Park, unless it gets so boring that I have to escape into the malls. I suppose the main thing that I've learnt in this trip is to buy what you want, because you're unlikely to go back to the same shop again. As with life, we should do what is to be done at that point in time because we're unlikely to have a second go at it. Like the shop you can't find again, life can become full of missed opportunities. Personally, I don't have any thing that I regret not buying, although there are things that I regret getting. Nevertheless, isn't it better to regret having bought it and work to rectify the situation? I don't want to be moping about something that I did not get. Then again, I don't think I'm the type to mope too much about what I missed out on. The future is to malleable for me to know that the path I did not take would be better. My two cents worth of blog wisdom so that you keep reading.Just to let you know, the pillow in the hotels STINK. I might as well as had slept on the bed alone. It was FLAT. SHEESH. My shoulder was killing me!

There were no real adventures in HK. I misplaced my Airport Express MTR while looking for my dad's hotel? I don't think that counts for anything. There was nothing terribly exhilirating nor boring, it was just life experience. I think the funny thing is how HL, Viv and I kept having dessert as a main course. Not that it was awful, but the amount of sugar... I hope I burnt it off by walking. And for the record, I walked from Tsim Tsa Tsui to Mongkok and back to Jordan with my parents. I think HK is great for walking as the weather is nice and breezy. Not like SG with the insufferable heat and humidity. One step outside my home and I start to perspire. Ridiculous weather we have here at the equator. Good thing SG has nice people, or I'll bever come back. I miss my friends and family too much to stay away, although it most certainly is VERY tempting. I wonder if anyone will really miss me if I was to go for exchange? Will you? I hope so. It'd be sad if no one would ever miss me at all. Sigh. Good thing there is the internet.

Okie. Back to life on this side of the planet. Loads of things coming up. I really want to meet up with friends and curl up with them. Yeah, sound weird, but I think all my friends understand what I mean. I want to stay with them and read a book/magazine or sleep on the cool marble floor with aircon. They can do whatever they want. I want company more than entertainment. Yes, I'm very much like a rabbit in this aspect. If you don't get the reference, you need to read more manga! HAHA.

I'll update this post if there is anything that I have missed out. Unlikely, but a possibilty nonetheless. The few photos I took will go up on Facebook by the end of the week if I have some time and if Facebook decides to cooperate with me. I might PhotoShop some of my photos as I had an allergic reaction the morning I boarded the flight. My face and neck was reddish and there were spots here and there. My skin is still recovering from the outbreak now. So yes. I look superbly ugly in my photos. Red. Spotty. Fat. Bad combination. The itch was unbearable on the flight, and I was in a cramped space because it was a budget flight, with poor air, also because it was a budget flight... Please do not expect me to look like I stepped out of a salon. No such thing. My skin was slightly less irritated after I did a mask, but it was still horrible. The return flight just aggravated it. Yes, the return flight was less cramped and had better ventilation, but still... Sigh. If I'm too lazy to care, I'll just upload the pictures, me with spots and all. Otherwise... HAHA. Yes, just stay tuned~

On a side note, I gained 1 whole kilogram! OMG. I will go and train and lose that weight TOMORROW. (There's cheer anyway~)

"We'll all play and laugh and live like fireflies in the summer night, short-lived, but glowing and beautiful"

Away

Playlist

Sunrise by D=Out

OH MY. I just realised that I am twelve hours away from boarding at the airport! Feels so unreal. As if it isn't tomorrow that I'll be in Hong Kong. At this time tomorrow, I'll be so far from home... Unbelievable!

I think this will be a short post, because I feel about as awake as a sleeping sloth. No idea why, but I'm pretty sleepy now. I don't think I'd go to sleep per se as I have to sleep earlier tonight. Don't want to be too awake at midnight when I'm suppose to be getting my beauty sleep, though I'm likely to be too excited to sleep too early. I'm suppose to be waiting for HL's dad at 430am at the bus stop so... Yes, sleep is essential.

My luggage has loads of space as of now. I think its because I pack like a guy (told to me by friends and family members). I'm only using about half the space? Inclusive of my mum's stuff. So in essence, only about 40%? But light is good, because both my elbows are a bit kooky. Sprained my right elbow,while the left is recovering. Personally, I don't think its THAT bad, although the Chinese doctor was aghast at how I managed to survive 3 days without going to her. She promptly bandaged my elbow and told me not to carry anything heavy for a week. Not possible, but I'll do my best to use more of my left hand? Is about 5kg heavy? Cause thats about the weight of my luggage. 1kg plus of stuff, while the bag is about 3kg plus. Is that heavy? I mean I could carry it with my left hand, but I think my left hand will get tired if its a long distance? And I have no intention of making V nor HL carry my things.

My current worry is that the flight will be noisy. And that will mean that I can't appreciate the full glory of my Tofu. My earphones are the normal in-ear earphones, so they have no noise cancelling function. Which is bad if the flight is going to be noisy. I want to nick my dad's earphones (mid range Audio Technica WITH noise cancelling), but he's going to fly to Korea and then to Hong Kong before coming back. I know he isn't as dependent as I am on music, but I'd feel bad for him. I wanted to invest in a proper pair of headphones, but I rarely travel (compared to my dad), and my current pair is sufficient for my daily commute and home use. So what am I to do? Any suggestions? If my dad did offer the use of his headphones, I'd take him up on his offer immediately. Its just that its rude to demand so much from him. And offer is different from a demand dears~

Okays, in Hong Kong, I will only have brief internet connection every night at around 10pm to 11pm. If there's anything that you need to tell me, please SMS or email me. MSN is unavailable on my Tofu, which is what I'm bringing along. I have no laptop, so all stuff that needs saving and extracting will be ignored. I'm not silly enough to bring a 3kg laptop, no matter how much baggage allowance I have. So yes. SMS, I'll reply only if its urgent, else I'd wait to email you. Emails will be replied to as well. If you don't know my email address? Ask KAEN. Or WINTER. Or SD. For people looking for me for school related stuff, use OUTLOOK to find my name. I'm the only person with this name in the entire SCHOOL.

Wish me fun, good health, safety okay? I'll bring back food if its possible. And if I see something and think of you, I'll get you something too~

"たとえ世界が終わろうとも　ただ貴方といたいだけ 誰も彼もうらやむ　ここが楽園なのさ..."

Game

Playlist

Genesis by Matenrou Opera

New single by Matenrou Opera. Not the most interesting single out there, but its decent listening. Hey, I'm pretty much desperate! Nice songs are never enough because there's always a need for a different song depending on your mood. Sometimes Laruku songs are too familiar. Sometimes Versailles songs are too pompous for me to enjoy. Sometimes Mao sounds too annoying. Sometimes Kato Kazuki songs are too simple. Sometimes Deluhi songs are too messy. Sometimes Sono's voice is too nasal for prolonged listening. And sometimes, Epik High is absolutely BORING. So yes, new songs are always good. I never know when I'd be in a strange mood and in need of a certain type of song. There should be some software to help us classify songs by their type so that I can match it to my mood. And I don't mean the genre!

Its been an action packed few days. Cheer summer trainings have started, and I've developed my arm, core and leg muscles better thanks to trying to outdo the guys. Ridiculous eh? I know I can't run as fast and I can't carry as much weight, but I can keep at it longer. If there's one thing I'm proud of, its my stubborn and competitive nature, never mind the aching muscles and sheer exhaustion that soon sets in. I can't match a doctor in knowledge about illnesses, but I can always aim to be better in other areas. After all, absolute strength and weaknesses aren't really applicable among average individuals in real life. If you can't outrun them, outglam them! On the topic of cheerleading and glamour, I made it onto the cover of some trade magazine for a certain company. I'm not happy my dears. Not the least because it wasn't an issue about us, but we were just used as arm candy. Fishcakes, guppies and starfishes! They lied to us nyah, and I'm angry. I hate being used. A free tee shirt does not even barely cover the time, effort and trust that was betrayed. You'd better watch out~

RIGHT! I went to Celine's house to play Wii! It was fun smacking guileless looking rabbits with a shovel. It was also fun to send the same rabbit airborne to measure the distance covered before smashing to the ground. Similarly, I had fun squirting carrot juice to drown rabbits. The fun never ends with Wii. Too bad I don't have a Wii, and its highly unlikely that I'd get one. Enjoyable, but these games are a wee bit too sadistic for the conscience that I'm nurturing to approve of. Also, there's the issue of cost. And the fact that most of the games that I enjoy are found on other platforms. man, I wish I was mad rich, so I could get a PSP, a PS3, a Wii, a Nintendo and Xbox360. Oh the games that I could play! Okay, I shall not fantasize too much. Reality would hurt more if I was living in LaLaLand any more than now. A healthy dose of reality is in order.

On another note, I finally managed to meet up with all the NUS and NTU people who had been missing in my life for the past few weeks. It really feels good to be there with them. I guess I've missed all of you loads? Its been a while since I've sat down and talked to people about things other than projects and subject related issues. Its not that we completely avoid school related stuff, more that I know that I can keep the conversation going even without numerous references to projects. Frankly, its a relief. I don't have to continue to be nice to people for the sake of grades and appearances. I don't have to say nice things to convince people to work together and motivate them to work. I can say anything that strikes my fancy, and I don't have to worry if people will misinterpret and stab me in the back. Oh, the relief~

I'll be in Hong Kong in a few more days. As mentioned, its super unreal! I'm actually looking for a leather skirt. Not a cow leather, crocodile leather nor pig leather (if there is such a thing). I'm looking for man-made leather, NOT PVC. I'm not stupid. PVC and leather is two very different things. So I want a leather skirt. Black would be nice, but I'm open to other colours if its pretty. Why do I want a leather skirt? I think its a staple of any decent wardrobe. Instant street cred, and its easy to match clothes with leather as well. I've a baby face, so I carry off a more punk look better than most. Well, I won't look OLD, more of a cute and slightly mischievous feel. Well, at least that is what I've been told. If you see a decently priced leather skirt, please tell me okay? Thanks!

"Nonsense is worth its weight in gold... Nonsensical gold of course!"

Wish

Playlist

Dolce by Matenrou Opera

I cannot believe that I will be in Hong Kong in less than 10 days. It feels utterly unreal. With my friends, and later on with my family. Hong Kong. The last time I went there was in August in 2007 I think. It was the middle of the raining season with typhoon warnings everyday. Just kept raining and raining and raining. We even had to stay indoor for some 10 hours because of a huge typhoon on the day we were suppose to go Ocean Park. In essence, BAD. I really hope the rain won't dampen my mood this time. If it was to rain every single day again... I think I'll forget about Hong Kong and just fly to Taiwan instead in the future. I like Hong Kong because of the food and shopping. Its also relatively safe, and the transportation system is decent. And these are the very qualities that Taiwan possess as well. Okay, I like Hong Kong food more than Taiwanese food. So yes. Please let the weather be nice~

I went to the library a few times after my exams, and I've realised that I've become even more picky about the stuff that I read. As if I'm not picky enough. Sigh. So now every trip to the library is like a treasure hunt to find a book. I'm considered LUCKY if I so much as find a single book that I like. Somedays, its so bad that I resort to reading comics instead of fiction. Maybe the problem isn't with me, but rather with the books in the library? Alternatively, if everyone borrows all the nice books, what am I to read? Reread all the previous books I like? Wait. Or maybe there is a problem with the method I employ to find books? So many silly questions, but when you really want to read something, its really irritating to not be able to find anything suitable. Its this sense of abject frustration. So infuriating and annoying! Anyone has any books that they'd recommend? Please? I'm near desperation!

Went out with my grandparents today. I like going out with them. There's no stress to be someone I'm not. I can behave anyway that i choose, and I know they wouldn't bat an eyelid with respect to my attitude and behaviour. Okay, I admit that its partially because I really love my grandparents. Reagrdless of what they said against me... I'm glad that they kept their end of the agreement to bring me up. I'm not EVIL nor ungrateful. The greatest insult to me would be that I'm a traitor. I don't betray people. Period.

Hungry. Shall go for dinner~ Food makes the world go round!

"Follow your heart to your destination."

Shut

Playlist

Cocoon by Matenrou Opera

I know I'm weird. I need work to keep me alive. I'm more alive during school term and stressing about school assignments than when its the holidays. I know this. I've always been bored of the holidays a few days into it, but I can keep up at school for a full term. I'd complain about the workload, and I'd wish for a holiday, but I'm never really bored. I need school, because boredom is a killing blow to me. The moment I'm bored, my brian goes into overdrive, and I begin scaring myself.

Perhaps this is nothing more than being a workaholic simply because I want to escape from the problems in my personal life. Maybe this is a way of running away from problems that don't have a clearcut resolution. Inside, I suspect that I'm superbly weak, so I resort to work to push all these away. You won't be vulnerable with work. There's only success and failure, plain and simple. You may get upset by poor grades and project failures, but once its over, its over. There is no remission, there is no love lost. There are no barbs to prick at your conscience at night, and there are is no sense of false security. An emergency is an emergency, and much like how you can guard against an attack or an invasion, you can guard against poor grades by studying. And that, I think, is what I do to keep my brain busy.

You don't have time to worry if your parents are mad crazy if you have to plow through law textbooks. You don't have the time to worry about your social life if you have projects that can't get off the ground. You don't have the spare capacity to think of anything extra, and in this mess can I truly relax and throw myself into my daily life. Eating, sleeping, even friends all becomes mere appendages to school work and school commitments. Food is no longer something thta you think about as you're rushing fromplace to place, class to class. Sleep is a luxury that you indulge in on the bus, in between classes, and when you just crash at home. Friends are a means of getting a slight physical break to laugh and smile so that your brain doesn't overheat. Like I said, all auxillary parts of your life as you cram information and work so that you don't worry about the cracks in the wall and the water seeping through. You run away into work, hoping that when you resurface, all your problems will go away. But they never do, do they?

So much that is lacking, and I pretend that everything is fine and dandy. I learnt that if you don't say anything, no one will know. But I've also come to realise that even if you do say something, no one will bother. So why do bother to begin with. Clam down, shut up, and smile. In this society, those that create problems for others are shunned, hated and eradicated. We all have our own demons to fight. No one needs more problems, and no one will save you even if you ask for help. They'd try and help you here and there, but how much is self-gratification and how much is genuine? Well, beggars can't be choosy, but somedays, I wake up wondering how much impact there'd be if I just threw myself off the balcony. My life is pointless, and my death equally so? I have no real reason for living, and what does it matter if I have no worthy cause to die for.

I've lied. When encourgaing others, I feed them little white lies. Saying things like, "We're on this earth to find ou purpose." So very encouraging, but I really wonder how many actually buy this. The moment the words slip out of my mouth, with my standard reassuring smile and hug, my heart just hardens and I feel like I've turned to stone. I'm amazed if anyone believes this. I can't even convince myself that its a valid argument, so how could I convince anyone else? I don't believe in God per se, I believe that we're just little amoebas and part of the greater biological landscape.

Do you know why I removed the pictures? I want to hide all the things I say here in the greater noise of all my posts. In 2 years, nay, 2 months, how many of you will be able to find this again? And how many will remember this? Do you even remeber what I blogged about in the beginning? Without referring, I cannot even tell you what I wrote! Ah, the contradictions of a human being. Being conscious stinks. In my next life, I want to be a sloth. I want to slep away my problems. I guess, more than anything, I want to forget. Forget everything that I am, that I was, and that I can be. If there was no past and no future, I think the present would disappear into smoke as well. Just let me curl up and pass time. Enveloped in nothingness. There's this faint appeal about losing your coscienceness and going into a vacumm. Where you cannot feel anymore, and everything shuts down. So attractive...

" What do you do when you realise that everything worth fighting for was nothing but an illusion?"

Owe

Playlist

Ghost (Requiem Live) by Gackt

Whenever I'm in a bad mood that does not have anything to do with schoolwork, I'd indulge in a bit of Gackt. Okay, make that about hours of Gackt PVs. Its sinful to stare at Gackt for hours on end, mainly because I'd feel bad for the inner hyde fandom that I've established deep in my heart. Yes. Roll your eyes at how weird I'm behaving, but its true! I feel really really sorry for hyde, and I'd listen to Laruku and VAMPS songs on end to appease my inner fangirl. Gackt is like overdosing on sweet food so that I don't feel so terrible, but later on, you will get sick and tired of all that overbearing sweetness, and crave something simpler and more lasting... Like hyde's voice. So until later when I spam Laruku... I'm going to repeat the same vieo over and over again.

I think Gackt is appealing because of his absolute confidence. I mean, how many people can show up at a formal public conference/discussion dressed in a rubber monster suit with blazing blue lights and a wig and with dry ice smoke and STILL look GOOD? Gackt even brought a rubber dragon along! Yeah. Even hyde will have difficulty doing that! Sigh. These people just make me wish I was less normal and more outstanding. In a positive way of course! Some days, I feel like I'm this boring wallpaper that doesn't even serve any purpose. I'm just there because someone, at some silly whim, decided to get some wallpaper, and in the end, got tired of picking designs and just picked soemthing plaain and boring. Yeah. That is how I feel. Not even 'proper' nice wallpaper. Wallpaper with little thought put into it because no one could be bothered to do a good job.

Okay. I seem more depressed than I actually am. I'm just a bit stressed by my summer plans. You'd think that I should be all nice and carefree during summer, but the truth is hardly. There are things to worry about, namely my finances. Trips and cosplay cost money, and I do not want to give up my current standard of living. Furthermore, I've just paid for Japanese classes and am now more broke than ever. Its really infuriating when you take ages to save but money seems to be always lacking. Its one of the reasons why I am seriously considering quitting this. Each costume costs, and I already owe my parents $600 which needs to be paid by the end of next month. Maybe I should look for a job now? But its weird to look for a job now becuase I'll be even busier with school stuff in a few weeks, what with the various camps that I'm organising and all. Last year was better because I was working some 8 months consecutively and had enough to spare for cosplay and school and life. Now? I think I can understand why some people do crazy things for money.

There are some days that I wonder why I'm the way I am. Someone commented that when I'm alone and doing my own thing, I feel so distant and cold, and she wondered if I was merely putting on a front in front of other people to entertain and be accepted. Personally, I have no idea, but I do know that I'm much less enthusiastic about anything alone. I usually try to persuade people to see things the way I do, and its not really necessary to persuade myself about anything that I really feel very strongly for. So all the energy that you see me expend is to convince you to see things from my perspective. Alone, I think I'm likely to curl up and read something. A book usually, or to listen to music and fall asleep. I hardly ever watch television, not even videos online. I get bored by the television, unless its something very entertaining, I usually won't pay more than 15 minutes of attention. Strange aren't I? People say that books are a bore and cannot be bothered to read, but I think books are interesting. Its things like television and hack and slash games that bore me. After a while, it repeats itself and I cannot be bothered anymore. Nothing changes, just a brief adrenaline rush. NEXT.

Lets go read someone's blog~

"What did I do before music?"

Influence

Playlist

The Umbrella of Glass by Versailles

Last night, I had a heart-to-heart-talk with my brother. Both of us were lying in bed, unable to sleep, so Smacky started talking about his health and school when I asked. Although everything that transpired was in the darkness at night at midnight, I'm still in a slight stake of shock. Why? My brother and I are so alike that it is positively freaky. The concerns that he has, the doubts and troubles... I could empathise, because in many ways, we have the same problems. The main difference is our approach to these similar situations, but in essence, the similarity is astounding.

Smacky was telling me about how he feels like an outsider most of the time, in school especially. We went on to talk about how he seems to have a different mindset from most of his classmates, and that he keeps hiding his true self in order to fit in better. Nevertheless, he still feels like a sore thumb, and that no one really understands him. In many ways, he feels that he also doesn't understand himself, and seems to be pretty lost on the issue of self-knowledge. After that, we talked a bit about his fears (MANY!) and his perspective of our family. I was really touched when he said that I was sometimes his 'best friend', although the status quo was that I was his sister. And it seems to me that I should start treating Smacky as a 'boy' rather than a 'brother' because he seems acutely aware that I'm a girl. And I mean ACUTELY.

I think I learnt al lot about my brother. It seems as if, under his rather nonchalant and reticent exterior, lies a little boy cruelly thrust into the adult world and forced to grow up to fit in. And grow up he did, way too fast and reminiscing his childhood. On many subjects, he has amazingly accurate insight, but his lack of real world experience makes it difficult for him to discipline himself and come to terms with the way things are. Not like I am much older and way more experienced, but I think an extra 4 years does make a difference. He seems so much like a younger me, and I am very much inclined to nag and cajole him into taking the 'easy' path that I see, but I know I'm being selfish. Smacky needs to make his own mistakes, and needs to attain comprehension on his own. If I were to handhold him all the way, he would suffer the moment he was left on his own. And more than anyone, I know how painful it is to be forced to live in the shadow of someone else. As his sister, I think I should provide support of any kind that he needs. I won't tell him where to go; I can only tell him the choices that he has an advice him. The ultimate decision needs to be his.

Its strange how I see myself reflected in him. Do my parents see their younger selves similarly reflected in me? In us? Do we all have some piece growing in the people that we live with and love? Or do we influence them to take similar paths and make similar decisions? I have no answer to all these, take them as the random nusing of a half mad girl with too much time and nothing to do if you wish. 

I want to be a better sister to my brother, and I'll plow my way through it regardless of what others think and say. I'm not certain of the mindset of my peers? Do all elder siblings try to take an active role in the well-being of their younger siblings? I do not mean this in the traditional Asian context where elder siblings are obligated to be nice, kind, sweet, loving and all, to younger siblings BECAUSE they are older and the siblings are younger. No, no. I mean this as aform of a conscious choice. A choice to be involved, to be concerned  and to do something to make the lives of those who come after us improve. Of course, I've no guarantee that my involvement will be beneficial rather than detrimental. Yet, would it not be better to try and fail than to not try at all? This is something that I've been puzzling over for quite a while, and have yet to arrive at a concrete answer. Making things worse with my input just reeks of self-fulfilment, and I feel that any endeavour that stems from purely hedonistic tendencies are doomed to failure.

What shall I do with this growing boy? 

"Everything that I am, I give to you in the hope that your tomorrow will be a better day."

Down

Playlist

Anomie by Matenrou Opera

I've been wondering for a while. Why in the world do I do the things that I do? Why did I choose to pursue this direction? Are there any secret desires that I'm trying to fulfil? Do I have a hidden motive for the path that I chose to take? Why did I pick this way of life instead of something less problematic? Why do I drive myself to do this? There's always this fear that what I'm doing is wrong. The feeling that I've made a drastic error somewhere a long the way, and that there is no way that I can get out of it. Its a nagging feeling, and you wonder if the person you are today is actually a cumulation of small errors that has created a situation where you can only go on to make more mistakes.

Why do I even think this is a mistake? I cannot really explain this very well, but I liken the sensation to something like a creeping suspicion of your motives. the feeling is something like this: Completing your exam script, and as you look up, you realise everyone around you is busy scribbling away. And you have absoloutely nothing left to write for your answer. The best part? You still have a lot of time to complete the exam. Thats the feeling. Not that I'm about to end my life early or anything, this is just a comaprison. But the feelingmakes you want to rip out your hair and scream in frustration. Okay. Maybe only I will feel like screaming in frustration, seeing how I'm someone who is more aggressve. Nevertheless, I think you know what I mean. So insecure!

I was ill for a while back. Fever, running nose, coughing... Typical flu symptoms. Been down with the flu far too many times in the later weeks of this semester. I ought to get more rest, rather than staying up late to read manga and to chat on MSN. I can undertsand why people will get addicted to the Internet. The degree of connectivity is astounding. The feeling that you'll never have to be alone again is rather appealing in a very sinister way. We all have our secrets and private thoughts, so when face with the prospect of never having to be alone... I think the little girl in me is happy to have people to relate to, but the adult in me understands that it is a surreal delusion. It is not true that I will never feel alone again. Its just a promise of camaraderie. Real relationships need physical interaction, because so much is lost through words and images alone. All the subtle messages...

Sigh. I'm rather sad that i won;'t be participating in THAT event, but I know it was never a real likelihood to begin with. I'm sad, but not depressed. If there's one thing I've learnt from my days in school, it is that if I let little things like this get me down, I will never be able to attain anything... Down yes, but not out yet. If I proclaim my own failure before I've even started on the journey, how successful and how enjoyable can it possibly be? Strange how I sound as if I am doing my best to convince myself to be stronger. I acknowledge that I am weak. just have to work harder and smarter. No way out of this...

"Don't look down on me, because I'll surely get somewhere."

MEME

Playlist

Me sneezing...

A

Available: I suppose?

Age: 20

Annoyance: Many. Mainly irritating people.

Allergic: Augmentin. Stupidity. Yeah.

Animal: Horse?

Actor: I suppose?

B

Beer: YUCK.

Birthday/Birthplace: 24 November, Singapore

Best Friends: Those FISHES out there:D

Body Part on opposite sex: ABS.

Blind or Deaf: Neither!

Best weather: Cool.

Been in Love: Yes.

Been bitched out?: Now and then.

Been on stage?: Definitely. LOVE IT.

Believe in yourself?: I do my best.

Believe in life on other planets: Yeah.

Believe in miracles: Now and then.

Believe in Magic: No

Believe in God: Capital G no. Small letter, yes.

Believe in Satan: Nah.

Believe in Santa: NEVER.

Believe in Ghosts/spirits: Yeah.

Believe in Evolution: Hmmm. Kinda?

C

Car: Anything as long as its mine.

Candy: NO.

Color: Purple. Red. Black? Depends. Usually purple.

Cried in school: Yes

Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate

Chinese/Mexican: Chinese

Cake or pie: Usually cake.

Countries to visit: Japan. USA. France. Italy. Hong Kong. Taiwan. Anywhere nice~

D

Day or Night: Day

Dream vehicle: Aeroplane

Danced: Love it. Present tense please.

Dance in the rain?: No

Dance in the middle of the street?: For some parade thing

Do the splits?: Easy.

E

Eggs: Any way.

Eyes: Black

Everyone is: Alive

Ever failed a class?: Math. History. Economics. ENGLISH YES THANKS TO THAT WITCH.

F

First crush: Can't remember

Full name: *:D*

First thoughts waking up: Please let me not screw up my exam.

Food: LOVESSSS~

G

Greatest Fear: Losing people because I didn't try hard enough.

Giver or taker: BOTH.

Goals: Sleep enough. Good GPA. GET MARRIED? HAHA

Gum: YUCK.

Get along with your parents?: Yes

Good luck charms: Sleep?

H

Hair Colour: Black

Height: 168cm-ish

Happy: Now and then

Holidays: Starts this Sunday

How do you want to die: Happy

Health freak?: Lazy, but conscientious

I (In guys/girls)

Eye colour: Black

Hair Colour: Black

Height: Not particular

Clothing Style: Please be able to dress appropriately.

Characteristics: Responsible. Caring. Understanding.

Ice Cream: Chocolate

Instrument: Likes many? Drums?

J

Jewelry: Has a weakness for bracelets

Job:Admin, F&B and Sales

K

Kids: Smart

Kickboxing or karate: Karate?

Keep a journal?: Yes

L

Longest Car Ride: About 9 hours?

Love: A lot of things.

Letter: Love them!

Laughed so hard you cried: Yes

Love at first sight: Chocolate?

M

Milk flavour: Plain

Movie: Anything that serves it purpose

Mooned anyone?: No

Marriage: Kinda?

Motion sickness?: NEVER.

McD’s or BK: BK. Moderately. Both are awful.

N

Number of Siblings:1

Number of Piercings: One each ear

Number: 17

O

Overused Phrases: Fish. Shark. Shoot. Sheet. Damn. Hell. Heck. What. Retarded.

One wish: More brains

One phobia: Falling ill (School does this to you.)

P

Place you’d like to live: Somewhere nice

Pepsi/Coke: Neither. BAD.

Q

Quail: Egg?

Questionnaires: HAHA.

R

Reason to cry: Sick. In pain.

Reality T.V.: NAH

Radio Station: International Channel?

Roll your tongue in a circle?: DONE.

S

Song: I like too many...

Shoe size: 39

Sushi: Salmon anyday

Skipped school: Yeah

Slept outside:Yes

Seen a dead body?: Yes

Smoked?: No

Skinny dipped?: No

Shower daily?: Yes

Sing well?: Don't know

In the shower?: Sometimes

Swear?: When in pain, sheer stress, pissed.

Stuffed Animals?: LOADS.

Single/Group dates: Yeah

Strawberries/Blueberries: Either

Scientists need to invent: More time!

T

Time for bed: When I'm done

Thunderstorms: Make my room stuffy though I love it

Touch your tongue to your nose?: NOPE

U

Unpredictable: Life?

Under the influence?: Too many things?

Understanding?: I WISH

V

Vegetable you hate: Anything that isn't GREEN

Vegetable you love: Broccoli

Vacation spot: Anyone wants to go Bali?

W

Weakness: Temper. Tongue.

When you grow up: HAHA

Which one of your friends acts the most like you: None. All different I guess?

Who makes you laugh the most: Depends?

Worst feeling: Being sick

Wanted to be a model?: Yes

Where do we go when we die: The urns in Guang Ming Hill

Worst weather: Heat. Humidity

Walk with a book on your head?: Now and then for fun

X

X-Rays: Yes

Y

Year it is now: 2010

Yellow: Fever?

Z

Zoo animal: Are animals?

Zodiac sign: Saggitarus

Brother

Playlist

Love Love Love by Epik High

This is a very strange coincidence. The song actually matches what I'm writing about. Its rarely the case nyah. My playlist is left on shuffle, so it really is random. WOW. A one out of 600 chance. Shows the amazing power of loving your brother.

In case I freak anyone out, I think I should quantify this. I love my brother as my brother. I've loved him from the moment my parents brought him home 16 years ago from the hospital. At that time he was just a little thing swaddled up and placed in the cot that I could barely peek into. Until today, where he's taller and heavier, and so very picky about the things that he wears. I love my brother, always have, always will, no matter what I may seem to say or do.

I've been plenty pissed at him. For ruining my toys. For messing up my fun. For kicking me in his sleep. For leaving his dirty clothes strewn around the house. For yelling at me when I refuse to give in to him. I know I've not always been the best sister around, but I do try. Why? I know he's an amazing person! What would I do without that boy who will long-windedly tell me about how his teacher is a dolt? What will I do without the boy who cleans the study room, stairs and kitchen every Sunday afternoon? What will I do without that boy who shakes his head at the crazy antics of his elder sister? What will I do without that boy who steals my chocolates and cookies and still dares to grin at me while strutting past me? I really love him.

In this life, I'll only have this one brother. We have different blood types, he's an A while I'm B. He can't even touch his toes while I'm a Chinese dancer. But all the same, he's the only person I'd ever poke and hug with absolutely no reservations. He can steal my cake and apple juice and I'd let him get away with it. I can take his stationary and he'd let me get away with it. We get along with each other, because somewhere in my head and heart, he's been there from the day he appeared wrapped like a present to a very bored 4 year old girl. 

There have been many things that I've been through because of him. Nursery school, grandparents, parents, cousins, many things changed because of him. When I was younger, I was disgruntled, and would sometimes take it out on him. But I guess I never meant any ill intent, because I remember that I'd go to sleep next to him because he said he was scared. I remember being irritated that I had to wake him up every morning, but I did so every day. I still do so, especially if he oversleeps his alarm. I'd make breakfast for him everyday when I was in primary school and lower secondary school until he was old enough to do so on his own. I remember washing his school shoes, complaining that his shoes were more black than white. I remember this distant sense of pride when I watched him on stage, really glad that my brother was so awesome. 

Yeah, I love my Smacky. He's stinky, messy, vain, cowardly, irritating and downright rude at times. At the same time, he's the cutest, sweetest, funniest and most understanding brother I could ask for. This big sister hasn't always been there, has she? I haven't been the kindest or most considerate sister, have I? I've said hurtful things, and done selfish things. I've been a pain and I've been inconsiderate. So even if you hate me, I'd still love you.

Of course, I don't think you hate me~ I know you love me too~ Although with your pride as a young and 'cool' 16 year old male, I sincerely doubt you'd ever say anyhting like that. You'd just go " Yeah lah, yeah lah, whatever." or " You siao ah!". But thank you for never saying "No". So don't worry, I'll still scold you and make you do your Mathematics homework. And please stop hiding your Literature textbook. I promise I won't EAT it, no matter how much I love books. So yeah, hand it over.

"I think I'm falling in love..."

Panic

Playlist

Dolce by Matenrou Opera

Tomorrow will be the Law exam. The day after my Philo-like paper. And on Saturday will be my Tech paper. This is the 10000th time I've said this, so please stop inventing exams for me on Thursday, Friday, or even last week. I don't need anymore exams to add to my plate. I know that it is not you who is taking these exams, but would you please try and remember, at least, that its 2 days in the row, before a Saturday paper? I am sick and tired of repeating this to anyone and everyone. If you can't be bothered to rememberall the nitty gritty details, not like there are a lot of details to remember, just note that my holidays start on Sunday and bug me then with you incessant repeated questions. I'd be in a better mood to deal with idiots. SHEESH.

I was hoping that I'd be in a good mood today, but I guess the insecurity at having to face an exam where my weakest topic is likely to likely to make up the majority of the marks is very daunting. I've done no other studying than for Law these past few days, but I do not yet feel suitably enlightened. I feel the same way I did 3 weeks ago, which is a bad sign, considering how badly I've been faring in class and the Mid Terms. In short, all these lengthy sentences are equivalent to me screaming "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~~~!!!!!". Yeah. I indulge in long convoluted sentences that warp meanings and make my readers scream in agony at having to decipher the twisted sentence structure. HO HUM. I'm stressed, so the least you could do is to close one eye to all the convolution and bear with me. I should use less heavy sentences and will sturcture my thoughts in clear STRAIGHT LINES after my exams are over. I think...

Right now, I'm panicking about way too many things. I should calm down. The worst that could happen is that I flunk my exams?

HAHAHA? Not comforting at all...

"I'd like more time, but not like more time will make me less nervous about this..."

Thankful

Playlist

Faust by Matenrou Opera

New songs, new band. Not bad. A wee bit Deluhi-ish, with a touch of Versailles. I like.

This post is something like a thank you post. I'm relatively certain that the people I will be thanking will not be reading this, but I like the idea of a permanent cyber thank you. Immortalizing. AHHH. I miss Literature.

This is to all the people who helped me out in my crazy moments. The people who laughed with me. The people who laughed at the silly things I did, and promptly forgot it. The people who held out a hand when I was struggling. The people who gave me without asking for anything in return. The people who yanked me whan I was dragging my feet, and slowed me down when I was rushing to my death. These are the people that I owe a lot to. The people that I'll thank when I look back at the blobs in my memory where I was half-crazed and murderous, and they told me that I was being daft. Sometimes expressed, and often implied. Thank you.

I think I've seen my fair share of pain and suffering, but I'd readily admit that I'm one of the luckiest people. I don't have to suffer unjust treatment everyday, and my physical environment is pleasant. And I have all these amazing people who never seem to give up on me. I'm not sure if they actually hate me fromthe bottom of their hearts, but even so, its only a subjective evil. I'm still better off now.

I apologise if the spelling is abdominable, and if the syntax is strange. I'm currently dizzy from the cough mixture I ingested about an hour ago. So pelase pardon anything abnormal in my language. WAIT. It seems slightly pompous doesn't it? This post? OH WELL. I'm half concussed anyway.

Exams start next Tuesday, and end on Saturday. And the moment my last paper ends, my summer holidays begin. Fantastic isn't it? Near three months of freedom. I think I'll be busy reading,sewing and exercising. Need to get in shape. I have non-cheer reasons for wanting a nice figure, and that has mainly to do with photography and cosplay. There, I went and said it. My main motivation for keeping in shape. So unpure, but I guess it works, considering how I have yet to balloon into a fat pig.

This will be short, as my keyboard is blurry and the screen glows weirdly. 

I love you all. Thank you.

"I'm not sorry; I'm thankful."

Rest

Playlist

ヒトヒラのハナビラ by Stereo Pony

All my projects are done and presented. All that is left are exams, one Law, one Philosophy and one Tech paper. As of yesterday, I have now officially survived a year in my school. I think this is a fantatstic accomplishment, seeing how the first term was rocky and the second term was rockier. I fell ill more times than I can count, the most recent being NOW, I reached home from school past midnight more times than I can count, I slept at 3am more times than I can count, I felt suicidal more times than I count... But here I am today, alive and as well as I can reasonably be expected to be.

I think next year will be far worse. No more fluff subjects. More intensive and demanding classes. More course bidding nightmares. I can no longer be in the same classes as my friends. Training will intensify... In other words, things will only get tougher. A few people were dicussing quitting school for somewhere easier in the West. I can understand, but I cannot empathise. 

For me, when I decide on something, I will complain if there are problems, but I'd never really want to give up. Clutching at straws? Yes. I'd clutch at straws until it snaps. I wouldn't let go before. Yeah. I have a commitment problem; I never let go. I need to learn to stop, to really give up. Holding on for too long is ridiculous, but I like to believe that its not too long until nothing can be salvaged. Idealistic? Naive? Yeah, yeah, say whatever you like. I've lost things that could have been saved if I'd kept at it, so I'd rather be a stubborn mule than lose precious things. 

Blogging is a form of relief. Its a way to say things that I'd never have a chance to say in real life because of the various reasons and rules that govern social conduct. I hardly ever mention names, so it is open to individual interpretation. If you think I'm referring to you, that's great. If you think I'm referring to someone else, better luck next time? I don't care if its wordy and difficult to understand. I don't care if its cryptic and gives you a headache to plow through my maze of thoughts. its just the way my brain structures things. For once, I can write whatever suits my fancy! There is NO way I'm going to give it to you in report or research paper style just so you can understand it better. It meant to be this way! Stumble through my diction, hop through my insertions, cartwheel across my rhetorics. This is my blog, and I've already made concessions about the text and colour scheme. My content is my own to decide. As is my life.

Stereo Pony is an awesome band. I admire all-girl bands. Especially those who sing and dance WHILE playing musical instruments. I get irritated by falsely high pitched singing, but Stereo Pony is fine. The vocalist can carry a tune, and she's not whiny. OH YEAH. I have a question. When do Japanese girls use 僕? I hear it in Kalafina and Stereo Pony, but not other bands? Why? Can anyone solve this for me?

"Piss me off and I'll give you hot PINK words on a WHITE background."