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The wind


I just noticed something rather sad about my life. I'm a very lonely person. I'm not trying to squeeze you of pity, Heavens NO, but its just an observation that I had while I was showering just now. I like water, in almost all its forms. The sea. Ice. Snow, though I've never seen any real snow. Its a relaxing element. Well, to me its generally a relaxing element, probably because I interact with it in the safety of my shower. I've never been a sailor nor fisherman, so I can't really speak for anyone other than me, this urbanite who is unable to swim. So yeah.


Back to my realisation of loneliness. The thing is, I tend to participate in solo activities. Yes, I'm in cheer, but even in cheer, I'm very much alone. I don't have a partner. There's a group, but I'm not close to them. I do what I have to do out of duty and responsibility. Not out of my overarching love for my team. ANYWAY. You see, I like reading. Reading is a solo activity. I'm not particularly interested in being read to, though I bet I must have loved it when I was a child. I like sitting on one of the chairs in the library and reading book after book after book. Its okay if I'd read it before. New books hold pleasant surprises, while old books are a comforting and familiar friend. Sometimes you discover something new in books that you've read, and these are like uncovering something precious under your bed. AWESOME.


I like listening to music too. But I don't like noise. Which effectively means that I can only listen to music alone in the silence of my room, far away from raucous crowds that do nothing to aid my enjoyment. I'm happy to lie in bed and listen to my playlist until I fall asleep, serenaded by the bass, guitar, drums and the occasional screaming vocals. Rock music is my addiction. One day without listening to my music will send me into a bad mood. I've been a complete bitch for an entire day when I forgot to bring my music. I guess I need music to charge up my social tolerance. When dealing with idiots and faced with daunting projects... I need the tolerance to stop myself from getting expelled from school. Strangely enough, books and music do not mix. I can't read a book and listen to music at the same time. Enjoyment of both would be mere shadows of what it could have been if I were to do both separately. No such thing as 'the more the merrier' here.


These are very introverted interests, and I know of quite a few people who would comfortably put me into the category marked 'extrovert'. I'm not sure if I'm truly an introvert, but I do know that I need my own space to recharge. Being with people is fun, but I tend to feel more lonely after sticking around people for an entire day. Its the feeling that you're surrounded by people, but inside, in your head and in your heart, in your soul and your spirit, you are very much alone. Of course, the more religious individuals will, at this point in time, promote the various benefits that come with faith. Unfortunately, I don't buy into the idea that god, on purpose for some VERY vindictive reason, CHOOSES to create the disparities that we see all around us. As if all Americans were blessed and chosen to enjoy freedom and binge on MacDonalds while the poor African people suffer from starvation, carnage and whatnot. And god, our very loving father, CHOSE to do this to them. WOW. Cruel eh? So no. No religion that I can truly believe in.


I like blogging. I'm often told that my blog is a rare example of a personal blog that is not peppered with abbreviations and sound effects. It seems to me that it is more appealing to read a blog that is, in general, made up of grammatical sentences and makes an honest attempt to vary its vocabulary and tone. I know I'm trumpeting my writing style, but can you honestly fault me for being proud of something which I've invested so much in? Not money, but time, effort, sweat and tears. I remember reading Enid Blyton numerous times to get my pronunciation down pat. I remember the massive tomes of English exercise books that I ploughed through to improve my grammar and vocabulary. I remember the pages after pages of essays that I wrote to practice everything that I learnt. I remember the hundreds, maybe thousands of books that I read to improve sentence structure and cohesion. If there is something I am proud of, it is my relative linguistic ability.


I wonder if I'll ever be able to read everything available. Unlikely, as even if I were to have the luxury of time to read one book every day of the week, there a centuries worth of books to read, in so many languages, just waiting to be read. But should this time ever come that I actively seek to read every single book out there, it would be a sad day for me indeed. After all, if there is one thing that my shower today made me realise, I turn to books when I have no one to turn to. I hang out at the library when the silence in my head is especially jarring when I'm in an area bustling with activity. At least in the library, I can, like Alice, escape down the rabbit hole. I can delude myself into thinking that the silence in the library is causing the silence I hear in my heart.


We all need our delusions to cope with harsh reality.


"As the crows flew overhead, their black wings and cawing was an ominous harbinger of darker things to come."