Spiral

Playlist

Don't Worry Be Happy by 8eight

I wonder why I always fall into the same trap again and again. I do not think it is a simple matter of experience anymore, It is not the first time. I let myself be misled into thinking thta things will get better because of some small little sign. I get my hopes up, and I work really hard to forget the negative things. I do my utmost best to leave everything behind, but in typical fashion, I get hurt again. While I cannot say for certain that every situation is EXACTLY the same, I think I should recognise the pattern and give up. I know. I know, I've said again and again that I shall not give up easily because the things that are worth getting are the things that you have to work hard for. I know this. I said this. Nevertheless, do you think I could forgive myself for giving up? I am really just so tired. 

The exhaustion quickly catches up with you. You do your best, running your fastest. Smiling your most beautiful smile. You work as hard as possible. You're trying to leave everything behind, to become someone more mature, more experienced. You're really doing your best to leave all the negativity all behind. So will I be excused if I decide to quit? There's no one behind you to give you a push. There's no one there next to you to make the ardous journey less painful. There's no one in front of you to give you something to work towards. You stumble forward, each step rife with insecurity and doubt. In the darkness, despair quickly sets in, because there is no God, no light, no paradise and no end in sight. It is a depression that drives you hysterical. It makes you want to cry your eyes out. It makes you want to scream your throat raw. But you don't. You can't. Simply because the moment you start, the bad thing will descend upon you, and to make things worse, you'd never be able to stop.

Believe me when I say that I have no intention to make myself upset. It just happens, and the sadness and despair wraps you close and makes you cold. If I could, I'd wish I'd never know this feeling. But its not the first time, and going by experience, it is highly unlikely that it would be the last time as well. What alternative do I have to the current life that I have? I could try to alter aspects of it, but there is no alternative to the life that was entrusted with us.

I guess I'm always speaking half-truths. When I say I'm alright, and that I don't need help, there is a 50% chance that I'm actually not alright, and that I really do need help. Especially with the people who I am closer too, the more I say that I am fine, the less I am. And when I say that I am not in a good condition... Just make it more severe by around 30%. that should be a pretty accurate representation of my current state of health. I always say i am okay, partly out of habit and courtesy, and partly because I do not want others to worry about me. But on the inside, I think it would not be too much of an exaggeration to say that I would like more love, care, concern and attention. I suppose.

"The signs are there. The warning has been given.Take note, or you'll regret it."

Drum

Playlist

Revolver Blast by Deluhi

I have a new appreciation of bands. I do not mean boy bands and those 'bands' that have 13 sweet nubile young things prancing around. No way. I mean proper bands, where there is actual singing, instead of lip-syncing, musical instruments played and a wee bit of free dancing. Yeah. Not that I do not recognise that there is a significant industry for candy colours and and youthful vigour. I just don't believe in all that happiness.

Anyway! I tried out Band Hero. Played drums. I died the first time I tried it, and it it took me the second try to get the hang of the beat for the song. Everytime I changed a song, especially a song that was totally foreign to me, I would definitely die. How fast I died depended on how unlucky I was. Not good at all. I think drums are kinda difficult. Either that or I lack practice. I secretly think I'm alright if all I need is 2 tries to get the beat of a song that I have never heard of before. But I'm suresome people out there will say I'm lousy to even need a second try...

It is now Week 13, and my projects are in the various stages of incompletion. Yeah. You can say that I'm absolutely negative and I ought to be buried alive for not trusting myself and my team, but hey. The truth does not change just because you wish it so. The fact remains that we are completely disorganised and that there is no teamwork. No matter how many photos we take. No matter how often we plaster smiles on our faces. No matter how often we say that we are a 'team'. No matter how polite we are to each other. Let us all face it. You hate me, and want to kill me. I hate you, and want to strangle you. See? We have something in common. So stay away from me next semester, and I'll stay away from you. My current motivation for not giving in to my fantasy is because I have no intention of going to jail.

I think software and the various technological advancements are just driving us to our grave faster. Waiting for photos and videos to be uploaded are bad enough, but the real killer is when after 3 hours, the site throws you a pop-up that tells you that there has been an error. And you can jolly well spend another 3 hours to try again. It is beyond infuriating, believe me. There is this urge to throw something hard at the computer screen, though this may just be my restrained anger talking. Maybe everyone loves waiting for things to load, and crash when you think it is finally going to be successful. MAYBE.

My phone's data plan has expired, and I'm thinking of getting a new phone? Any suggestions? I'm thinking iPhone, but is it totally overrated? I know the Blackberry isn't the best because I'm not a fan of tiny screens and teeny keypads. And I know that the various Nokia phones are irritating because of the poor synchronisation. iPhone anyone? I really need advice...

"We can try our hardest, but sometimes, it all boils down to luck."

Rage

One by Epik High

I am so exhausted that I wonder why I am blogging instead of showering or going to bed. I think I have this mistaken belief that blogging will make things easier for me as it eases my mind. Psychological? I have no idea, but rest assured that I will continue to blog. Not everyday for sure, what with four presentations next week and exams in 2 weeks, but I should update this space every few days. I am doing my best not to leave this site unattended for too long a period of time. Not that I have so much to say, nor that I have no place to say it, what with 4 blogs in total, but rather, because this is the only site where I do an in depth analysis of things that I think are worth the analysis.

Just to let you know, I skipped the last session of Japanese today. I should not have done that. It was a Japanese test for the final stage of the intermediate level, and I felt that it was less important than helping to set up the booth at RP. Boy was I misinformed. All I did was to waste time on the train and at RP. There was no need for so many people, as there clearly isn't that many things to be done. Best part? I will have to go there again tomorrow! As if transportation lines are free! And I was told that it would end at 1PM, when the entire thing ends only at 5PM. It would be okay if there was a need to man the booth for period of time. But noooooo. We're there to attend stupid talks for some 6 hours. My reaction when I heard that was a few choice expletives that I shall not repeat here. I do not see a need to travel an hour just to set up a booth for an hour, have a free buffet lunch, and sit in a hall for 6 hours to listen to a few professionals drone on and on about issues which are not relevant to the audience in the hall. The people you need to brainwash are out THERE, far far away. Its like preaching to the choir. One word: Futility!

Which is why, I do not feel like waking up all nice and bright and early tomorrow. I could be in NJ practicing dance. I could be sleeping in. I could be helping my TWC groupmates. i could be helping my CT groupmates. I could be studying. I could be completing my homework. The opportunity cost is far too high to be wasted on something that I have utterly no interest in. The only possible reason why I would attend is to have my face in the photograph as evidence of my attendance as I do not have a 'valid' reason to skip. Can you believe this? The only reason I'm not there is as I need to pretend that I'm all enthusiastic and IN LOVE with my group members and project goals. Trying to hoodwink myself. I think I ought to stop deluding myself... But for the sake of grades? How far shall I go?

It is unbelievable that I've degenerated to such flack. There was never such problems. I guess I'm growing up and starting to take things for granted. Maybe I should get my head examined. Maybe I should change my school. Maybe I should do something about my attitude. I have no idea, but I know that something is dreadfully wrong. Maybe I'm just becoming more jaded. Maybe.

By the way, you are a freaking egomaniac bastard. Your mother should have smothered you in your cradle.

"I'm not god; I can't tolerate all your nonsense."

Song

Playlist

Run by Epik High

I love the idea a Top 30 songs list. Its a chance for you to discover nice new songs by new singers and bands. Not that I have abandoned my old favourites, its just that I cannot possibly expect bands to release a song every month, so more bands, when staggered, help to keep me alive by feeding my music addition. At this point, I need to defend myself. I usually load songs off YouTube, but these are only samples! I hardly ever manage to get the whole album, not that I would want to rip everything! I like CDs. I like the artwork, the jacket, the limited edition stuff that comes with the songs. I like the lyrics, as well as to stare at the gorgeous pictures in CDs. There is no way that the internet can beat the physical pleasure of holding a CD and placing the CD into the stereo system to blast it at full volume and wake the neighbours from their afternoon nap. You pay for what you get, and I don't mind paying to support my favourite artistes! You may say I'm dumb to buy CDs, but hey! CD quality is usually way better than that of ripped songs. Listen to the person who still buys and listen to CDs!

I'm a wee bit tired, and very worried about some of my grades. I have 4 presentations in the last week of school, and I am very very worried about a few of my presentations. Some of it is clearly missing active participation, and I'm worried about failing. After all, in the school I am in, presentations often account for a large proportion of our grades. SIGH. I shall not go into detail here. I think I will end up ranting non-stop, and not only will that irritate whomever is reading this, I'll just make myself more worked up about all the work.

Exams are approaching. I feel like changing my CCA. I need a holiday. Should I take Term 3 modules? Someone advise me?

"Time is ticking, but all I can do is stand here waiting, like an abandoned child, lost and vulnerable..."

Transcend

Playlist

花になるby レミオロメン

Watched Nodame Cantabile last night. Watched Alice in Wonderland a week ago. I didn't really blog about it because I felt that it was 'just' another movie outing that I went to. Guess I was wrong. There is this theme that stretches across both, this idea of trancendence. As if the reality one person believes in is a fantasy to another, and that nothing really lasts. Nodame Cantabile was jaw-numbingly hilarious, but I feel sad for Nodame. The feeling of Nodame that Chiaki leaving her because he is just so much better... I think falling in love with your idol is dumb. Especially if that person is way better than you at whatever field you wish to specialise in. Sure, you are encouraged to dream, but sometimes, if you aim way off (think Pluto), I think some serious heartache is likely to occur. For me, I think an idol will always be an idol. And I'd idolise someone for having characteristics that I don't. More than anything, I admire people who are honestly kind and gentle. Its something that is more difficult than attaining a perfect GPA in these scheming times! As for Alice, the only thing I can say about the movie as that it was melancholic. The sense of loss throughout the entire movie was rather pervasive, and there was this idea that you'd wake up and everything would be over. That is great if you're in a nightmare, but if it was something good, you'd essentially be missing out on the time of your life. Which, I think would be utterly depressing. Those in Wonderand would really miss Alice I think, especially now that she returned after such an extended period of time, only to forget them all, and now that she has just remembered them, to leave and never return again. ARGH. I'd be moping around for WEEKS.

Hmm. I just remebered something. A poem by rudyard Kipling entitled 'If'. In a way, its a wee bit relevant to what I've just typed, although I think it can serve as a reminder for all of us in times both good and bad to persevere and work hard! Its quite easy to find the poem, so I shall not post it here. Its already on my Tumblr, so you can read it there if you're too lazy to Google it. (Since when has Google become an adverb?)

OH YEAH. Maybe you'd think that I have this annoying habit of exaggerating and trying to squeeze meaning out of every insignificant little thing that occurs in my life. Maybe I do and maybe I don't. All I can say is that there are probably another million blogs out there, and you could go read something else? I don't see a need to torture poor innocent souls with my holier than thou attitude. If you think I have one that is, because I think I don't. More veidence that I have a personality flaw I suppose? Then again, who doesn't have a couple of flaws? I'm not GOD.

Its now Week 11. The end of Week 11. Cheer competition this Staurday. Dance concert soon. Calligraphy classes every Saturday. I need to prepare for cosplay stuff too.  I think I'm prepared to slog my guts, lungs, intestines and heart out. Its not like I have any other choice now, do I? Everything comes down to this 2 weeks. 4 presentations. Numerous reports. Papers to be written. Administrative stuff to take care of. SIGH. I need a body double.

Prude

Playlist

La Vérité Fermée by Lacroix Despheres

I know some people will feel that I am overreacting about a 'small' matter, but I absolutely detest being looked down upon. I am most definitley not a child, no matter how you try to evade and protect your warped ideals by brushing me off with a 'You're not old enough to understand.' Most children will wonder about it and either a) nag at you or b) keep quiet about it. As I am not a child, I'm going to smear your honour online. Of course, I won't say who EXACTLY you are, but there are bound to be people who know. You see? The vindictiveness of adulthood.

I think its really disgusting to judge the maturity of a person by how much they can 'take' crude jokes, vulgarities, stereotypes, and references to sex. One word: RIDICULOUS. No, I'm not performing some Harry potter spell. (HAHA.) Rather, I think people who feel that those with greater 'immunity' to crude language and behaviour are preposterous. Call me a prude if you must, but I feel that there is no need for these forms of speech. Firstly, there are many many forms of humour, not inclusive of a sexual innuendo. You have black humour, satire, hyperbole, pun, irony, parody, sarcasm, paradox... There are way more. I'm just listing, off-hand, the few that Mr Whitby managed to smack into my thick skull over the course of 2 years in his Literature class. So there is no need for crudeness to be funny. Secondly, vulgarities are the vocabulary of the uncivilised and miseducated. you may say that its a means of fostering community bonding through slang, but I'm sure you can conduct such dialogues with minimal references to genitals and sex. Of course, I understand that sex is a common overarching theme across all class, culture and ages, but seriously? I'd be very disappointed if sex was the only thing various cultures had in common. Thus, if possible, I abstain from vulgarities and stick to seafood. There is no need to use repeated fricatives in every sentence. Its not like its a pre-school speech and drama practice session. I'm sure there are more words in any language to get your point across. Its just that you've yet to learn it. NUMBSKULL.

Maturity by vulgarity usage? Pft. I can't be bothered. Call me an elite or a spoilt brat if you wish, but I'm all for using mutlisyllabic words and ample descriptives. I'm not going to sink to the level of retards only to be clobbered by their experience. I'll sit here on my lofty perch and laugh at the peons who can't construct a simple grammatically coherent sentence. Words and books do not discriminate. Only people do. The words are there. Use it. It'd be a sad day indeed should we have to combine meanings to a common sound/word on a wide-scale. Linguistically, we'd all be dead.

Ahhh. I feel so much better after saying all these. Too bad you won't understand everything. A free online dictionary that is of repute is available at www.merriam-webster.com. Please do learn something today.

"The truly scary things are the things that are unpredictable."

Ten

Playlist

cradle by L'arc-en~Ciel

Its the end of Week Ten. Just four more weeks before the exams, and I'm starting to get a wee bit nervous. Yes, I do get nervous. I am a normal person! Anyhow, I think that before I get to the exams, I'm going to have to survive Week Thirteen. I have four presentations on Week Thirteen. Considering the fact that I take 5 modules this semester, and that I operate on a four-day week, this would mean that I will have a presenatation everyday of Week Thirteen. In short, this is my second Killer Week in this semester. SIGH.

If its any concession, I have no more cheerleading practices until summer is here. But yeah. I think this is poor consideration, given how I'm participating in my JC's Aristal performance in early May. I think I'm unconsciouly trying to kill myself by running myself ragged. I'm sure of it. There is no other rational reason why I would saddle myself with so many commitments when I'm suppose to try and relax, chill and take things more slowly this semester. If I was to compare this semester with last semester, I think this semester is more hectic because of projects, but less taxing on individual assignments. Last semester was a lot of consistent studying for pop quizzes and essays. This semester is heavier on the groupwork component. So I cannot really compare my semesters, as the cause of 'busy-ness' is different.

I think I know why older people like me. By older people, I mean senior citizens, ususally above the age 60. I'm not sure why, but elderly people really do like me. Random old people at bus stops and MRT stations, and even along the road, tend to ask me for directions, ask me if my schoolwork is alright, ask me about the government, ask me what school I'm from, ask me if I know their grandson/grandaughter (this actually happened!). with all these, I think can reasonably conclude that I'm liked right? Unless they are so bored that they have nothing to do, which I think is rather unlikely... Anyhow, I think its because I look absolutely harmless and trustworthy. Not that I am saying that I indeed am. My hair is long, black and straight. Not a hint of anything other than my natural colour. Indeed, my hairstyle is a little wacky, but its not dangerous wacky. Its a sort of safe, trying-to-be-cute-or-cool wacky, that highlights my youth and is most endearing to them. Furthermore, I don't exactly have a fringe, and I don't ususally use makeup, except for formal events. Now, most of the elderly feel that exposing your forehead shows that you have nothing to hide, so they feel that I am trustworthy. The lack of make-up makes me non-threatening, because we tend to associate make-up with adults. My lack of make-up incorporation just makes me seem more teenager and adorable (though I think my round and chubby cheeks play a large role too), unlike 'those young people you see on TV'. When you consider that I dress for comfort, think tee-shirts and shorts (nothing higher than mid thigh), I practically scream, "SAFE! I won't steal your money! I'll give up my seat to you! TRUST ME!". Not that I'm complaining.

I think parents should not use the words 'never' and 'always' when dealing with, especially when disciplining, children. I'm not sure how many will feel this way, but personally, I detest it when my parents use these words on me. Stuff like, "You NEVER pack your room on your own." "You ALWAYS create trouble." I really want to throw the words back at them. There are bound to be instances where I've done the task, or I've made the effort, or that it has not happened. It may seem ridiculous to some, but I think that children are little adults. Calling anyone under the age of 16 a child is rather deceptive at times, because there is a tendency to overlook the fact that there is a functioning brain behind that innocent face. Kids think. kids feel. kids understand. Assuming otherwise is a huge problem, because the things adults say and do have a very distinct impact on children. I have very bad memories from my childhood, and I although I hardly ever express displeasure about the decisions my parent shave made on my behalf, the truth is that I blame them for it. Many flaws in my personality stem from these traumatic experiences, of which I shall not mention here. I know most parents mean well, but the fact of the matter remains. I have a lot of anger and hatred, and its very likely because of the helplessness I felt. Ok. No more.

I wonder how long I can keep this blog. The older I get, the more things that I can no longer say. I think this is the price of growing up: You lose your voice.

"If I try hard enough, will you like me?"

Tuesday

Playlist

歌姫 by SID

I'm kinda tired today. Nah, I'm not in YET another emotional rut. (Thank god for small mercies!), but I'm physically tired. In brief, I had a photoshoot which spanned the whole morning and ate a little into my afternoon, followed by manning of the LTB booth. After that, I had classes until 10pm, and I've just finished clearing my emails. Long day.

The photoshoot was for cheer, by APB, and there was another male model, HG, other than us 5 girls. I'm using as many acronyms as possible because I'm hoping that Google doesn't pick up my blog. HAHA. If you know me and ask me, I'd tell you everything, but for blog purposes, they shall remain acronyms. Not that I want to be anonymous, but I'd like to stay low-key. Well, as low-key as I possibly can. I felt that the photoshoot was less tiring than the usual cosplay photoshoot. Guess it was because there were make-up and costume people to take care of us. No matter what any model says about how tiring the industry is, the fact is that cosplay is way worse. I suppose its because the cosplayer is model, make-up artist and stylist all rolled into one. Sometimes, we're also the one doing the recce and post-process as well. Way worse than just worrying about whether or not you look enthusiastic and making sure that the white skirt remains white.

Anyhow, the male model is supposed to be a pretty famous guy. I Googled him, and saw sooooo much about him, including his resume. WOW. I didn't think that he was superbly famous, but he seems to be pretty 'hot', going by opinion polls and the number of bloggers who talked about him? Yup. He was pretty nice, and had a good sense of humour. The interesting thing was that I saw him drawing the skull design of my t-shirt in his notebook during the rest time. How do I know its not just any skull? You need to see my tee-shirt to understand. Its not your typical skull. Anyway, he was suppose to be 'serious' while us cheerleaderswere supposed to be all bimbo and cheerful. We had a few problems in the beginning with the issue of height ( He's about 1.8m plus, most cheer flyer girls are less than 1.5, except me...), contrast of expressions, shadow, passers-by and what not. It was resolved after a while, professionals are really professionals, and we wrapped everything up pretty quickly. Okay, with him it was slow, but us girls alone was fast. Easy to be all hyper and energetic in uniform and able to move as we please without 'overwhelming' the guy. Anyhow, I really liked the make-up. Simple, yet very very flattering. My eyes looked superbly cute. I know I have to qualify this. I have single eyelid tear-shaped eyes. Not common even among Asians, though its something that we commonly associate with Asians. Normally, I look Chinese or Japanese, but with the make-up, I think I look like a pretty Asian girl. OKAY. I admit that I FELT that my eyes looked cute. The fake double eyelid line was excellently drawn. Like I said, professional...

After all the 'YAY-ing', went to LTB to man the booth. I didn't really help much as I was in a zombie mode. I did drag a friend or two to look at our booth, but I think I spent more time eating, taking care of our belongings and securing the structure than soliciting people. Which was tough, because the black partition was a literally and figuratively a barrier to people. There was this cleaning lady who was very amused by our coffin (Yep, there was a coffin.) and kept bringing her friends and colleagues along. Other than that, I spoke to a few of the maintenance staff about the booth. Yeah, I think I work better with older people.

CT class was, as usual, a complete bore. Law was, well, law. And there ends my day. My Tuesday for this semester at least. 

I still have an exam tomorrow night, but I think that things will be way better once LTB is done and over with. I think life will definitely look up when cheer ends as I'll have more time to study for my finals, and I can't wait for the summer holidays. I think summer is the time where we recharge for the entire year, as our winter break is PATHETIC, and I intend to make full use of it. I'm going to Hong Kong, the tickets have already been purchased, and I think I'm likely to pick up pole dancing. Other than cheer training for summer, we'll be starting pyramids, and doing some school based CIP project, I hope I won't have to go back to school too often. Its irritating to have your school in town sometimes, especially when you want to relax. You can't do so as all you think about is school work and assignments. Nevertheless, I appreciate the location as I have no need to travel all the way to the other end of the island everyday. All that travelling would definitely totally kill me. Just the transport cost alone is a pain, not to mention the amount of time wasted. And having to squeeze with the working adults during peak hour. EECH.

I can't wait for summer...

"I'll do my best, so I hope you shall too~"

Fight

Playlist

PRINCESS by Versailles

This will come up as something completely random to some of you, but heck. I've been thinking about this from what I've seen and heard, and I need to let people know about this. Just let me express my displeasure and views on this matter. It will just be in passing, before I go on to other more 'normal' stuff.

I hate people who don't fight for what they want, and spend forever moping about their 'loss'. Its not a proper loss, because you did not put in the effort to get what you want, so you never even made it on to the track, much less the winner's podium. So it cannot be a loss, because you were never in the running for it. This is applicable for many many things in life, be it your grades, a job, a relationship, ANYTHING. For me, I'd do my best and have no regrets. Well, as far as possible, I'd have no regrets. If there's one thing that life has taught me, it is that those who let others roll all over them will just be downtrodden and unhappy, and NO ONE is going to do anything to help you. I mean, people, usually friends and family can TRY to help you, but the ultimate decision is yours. You were the one who chose to gave up, despite your goal being in reach. You were the one who felt that you could not do it, in spite of the belief of everyone. You were the one who felt that effort was unnecessary, in spite of the encouragement from everyone. So don't go blaming others and being jealous when you were clearly the one who placed yourslf in that predicament. You're being inane and ridiculous, and I do not want to deal with a tantrum throwing brat. I've much better things to do, especially since you were the one disregarded everything I said and did. So I'm not going to bother with you, and you know you're being unfair to me. Until you realise this, I'm not going to do anything for you. I've already walked a mile towards you. All you need to do is to take that additional step.

I think HG Wells was right. The quote is below. There is no other way but to go forward if you can't retrieve your past self. Throw everything away and start from scratch. Get a haircut. Get a new look. A change in dressing style would be good. Make new friends. Change your personality. I think this isn't easy, but I think it might be a good thing to do now that I'm at this stage. I have been too reliant on the same people for the same things, and after a while, I've lost the ability to connect to others because I'm all nice and secure in my happy little world that I've built. Well, the buildings are swaying, the ground is cracking apart and the tide is rising. Its almost at armageddon, so I might as well recreate everything.

Not easy. There are so many things that I like and love. If I didn't like it, I would never have created this world for myself! Bearing this in mind, I think I'm dragging my feet. Maybe I should just let everything come to an end. After all, I've worked so hard and for so long, and now that things are unravelling, I should just hit 'Refresh' and get a new page. If I hold on any longer, I'd become stuck in limbo, unable to move on and unable to go back. I know full well that I'm not important enough. I know full well that I am just another statistic. I know full well that I am easily replaceable. Sad, but its omething that I have come to realise and accept, to a certain degree of course. I think resignation occurs when you try very hard, selling your soul and all, but with absolutely no returns... Its wearisome. No matter what excuse there is, be it not understanding or whatever nonsense espoused, the fact remains that the effort is missing on the other end, and you just surrender. You can't clap with only one hand. You need another surface, be it a wall or another hand. You can't work with nothing. You do everything you can, and its simply unattainable. Now this may seem like hypocrisy, as I've mentioned that I hate people who give up, but its different. Its like, buying a Lamboghini with your $2,000 monthly paycheck, and buying a Nissan Sunny. The former is MADNESS. The latter is worth working towards.

I think I have been blogging about the same issue since December last year. Its strange, but its like an awkward silence, where everyone knows, yet everyone pretend that nothing happens as they are afraid of change. Unlike what Obama said, change is not something that is welcome and easily attainable. Its something fleeting and difficult to measure. When you do notice it, things are already gone and altered, so we're always playing a game of catch-up. 

I'll do my best.

"Once you start to lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely and create a new one.”

Stress

Playlist

遠い道の先で　by 武川愛

I'm not sure what exactly is the matter with me, but I think my brain processes have all been messed up by school. Its simple. I'm no longer able to function well if you give me plenty of time. I need a pressure cooker environment in order to get things done, which, if I might just casually add here, is suicidal in the long run. Humans were not made to function in a constant extreme high pressure environment. All the adrenline and stress will drive your brain, heart and body wonky, and before you know it, you're no better than roadkill. In short, you'd die faster.

I know I need a little bit if stress to work well. Nothing new here, but I never did feel that I NEEDED STRESS to work well. There is a difference when you capitalise it. Other than the fact that it takes up more pixels on the computer screen, it also serves to show how essential it is to me now. I need to know of the deadline, else I won't be able to get to work. So if you tell me 'own-time-own-target', I smack you left right and centre and not get a single ounce of work done. Another way that this comes out is through presentations. I'm a natural presenter, because I always wanted attention, but the thing now is different. I present way better if I have a limited time to practice.The sense of urgency makes me work harder and smarter to get the presenattion up to standard. I know this will sound like gloating to some of you, but I'm a naturally energetic presenter. I crack jokes, maintain eye contact, ask rhetorical questions, give humourous examples... The list goes on. But this is only in the first few presentations. Given too much time to prepare, I get bored by my topic, and lapse into a state of zombie-hood. In short, only my mouth functions, and my presentation stinks like rotten eggs simply because I can't be bothered anymore. Repetition of the same thing too many times makes me bored witless, something detrimental to my grades. So yes. I'm weird about this.

You'd think that I ought to rectify myself and 'improve' myself. i know a lot of people wax lyrical about problems on their blogs. Some will choose to make their blog sound like a very extensive complaint letter, where the blame their teachers for their grades, their friends for a lack of social life, their parents for restricting their finances and the whole wide world for not kowtowing to them. Okay, that was an exaggeration, but I suppose you do understand what I'm trying to say. For me, this space is a sacred ground to extole my virtues, my idiosyncracies and whatnot. I'm not about to complain too much about others, after all, attention is expensive~ I wanna talk about ME. Yeah. Call me proud, arrogant, thick-skinned, whatever. I'm kind of happy to be the way I am. So yes, please stop trying to make me jealous of you having a boyfriend. Its not going to work, because I don't have the same set of values as you. I'd be jealous if you had ALL the Atobe trading cards and ALL the Kurei trading cards and ALL the various Laruku merchandise. In fact, if you did have all of these, you'd better watch out. One day, I might steal into your house to get 'em.

Sigh. its going to be yet another busy week. Just to let you know, I'm likely to go back to my JC to participate in Aristal. Yes, you heard me all right. I'm gonna dance again! WOOHOO~

"One day, maybe I won't have to pretend to be someone else anymore..."