Shut

Playlist

Cocoon by Matenrou Opera

I know I'm weird. I need work to keep me alive. I'm more alive during school term and stressing about school assignments than when its the holidays. I know this. I've always been bored of the holidays a few days into it, but I can keep up at school for a full term. I'd complain about the workload, and I'd wish for a holiday, but I'm never really bored. I need school, because boredom is a killing blow to me. The moment I'm bored, my brian goes into overdrive, and I begin scaring myself.

Perhaps this is nothing more than being a workaholic simply because I want to escape from the problems in my personal life. Maybe this is a way of running away from problems that don't have a clearcut resolution. Inside, I suspect that I'm superbly weak, so I resort to work to push all these away. You won't be vulnerable with work. There's only success and failure, plain and simple. You may get upset by poor grades and project failures, but once its over, its over. There is no remission, there is no love lost. There are no barbs to prick at your conscience at night, and there are is no sense of false security. An emergency is an emergency, and much like how you can guard against an attack or an invasion, you can guard against poor grades by studying. And that, I think, is what I do to keep my brain busy.

You don't have time to worry if your parents are mad crazy if you have to plow through law textbooks. You don't have the time to worry about your social life if you have projects that can't get off the ground. You don't have the spare capacity to think of anything extra, and in this mess can I truly relax and throw myself into my daily life. Eating, sleeping, even friends all becomes mere appendages to school work and school commitments. Food is no longer something thta you think about as you're rushing fromplace to place, class to class. Sleep is a luxury that you indulge in on the bus, in between classes, and when you just crash at home. Friends are a means of getting a slight physical break to laugh and smile so that your brain doesn't overheat. Like I said, all auxillary parts of your life as you cram information and work so that you don't worry about the cracks in the wall and the water seeping through. You run away into work, hoping that when you resurface, all your problems will go away. But they never do, do they?

So much that is lacking, and I pretend that everything is fine and dandy. I learnt that if you don't say anything, no one will know. But I've also come to realise that even if you do say something, no one will bother. So why do bother to begin with. Clam down, shut up, and smile. In this society, those that create problems for others are shunned, hated and eradicated. We all have our own demons to fight. No one needs more problems, and no one will save you even if you ask for help. They'd try and help you here and there, but how much is self-gratification and how much is genuine? Well, beggars can't be choosy, but somedays, I wake up wondering how much impact there'd be if I just threw myself off the balcony. My life is pointless, and my death equally so? I have no real reason for living, and what does it matter if I have no worthy cause to die for.

I've lied. When encourgaing others, I feed them little white lies. Saying things like, "We're on this earth to find ou purpose." So very encouraging, but I really wonder how many actually buy this. The moment the words slip out of my mouth, with my standard reassuring smile and hug, my heart just hardens and I feel like I've turned to stone. I'm amazed if anyone believes this. I can't even convince myself that its a valid argument, so how could I convince anyone else? I don't believe in God per se, I believe that we're just little amoebas and part of the greater biological landscape.

Do you know why I removed the pictures? I want to hide all the things I say here in the greater noise of all my posts. In 2 years, nay, 2 months, how many of you will be able to find this again? And how many will remember this? Do you even remeber what I blogged about in the beginning? Without referring, I cannot even tell you what I wrote! Ah, the contradictions of a human being. Being conscious stinks. In my next life, I want to be a sloth. I want to slep away my problems. I guess, more than anything, I want to forget. Forget everything that I am, that I was, and that I can be. If there was no past and no future, I think the present would disappear into smoke as well. Just let me curl up and pass time. Enveloped in nothingness. There's this faint appeal about losing your coscienceness and going into a vacumm. Where you cannot feel anymore, and everything shuts down. So attractive...

" What do you do when you realise that everything worth fighting for was nothing but an illusion?"

Owe

Playlist

Ghost (Requiem Live) by Gackt

Whenever I'm in a bad mood that does not have anything to do with schoolwork, I'd indulge in a bit of Gackt. Okay, make that about hours of Gackt PVs. Its sinful to stare at Gackt for hours on end, mainly because I'd feel bad for the inner hyde fandom that I've established deep in my heart. Yes. Roll your eyes at how weird I'm behaving, but its true! I feel really really sorry for hyde, and I'd listen to Laruku and VAMPS songs on end to appease my inner fangirl. Gackt is like overdosing on sweet food so that I don't feel so terrible, but later on, you will get sick and tired of all that overbearing sweetness, and crave something simpler and more lasting... Like hyde's voice. So until later when I spam Laruku... I'm going to repeat the same vieo over and over again.

I think Gackt is appealing because of his absolute confidence. I mean, how many people can show up at a formal public conference/discussion dressed in a rubber monster suit with blazing blue lights and a wig and with dry ice smoke and STILL look GOOD? Gackt even brought a rubber dragon along! Yeah. Even hyde will have difficulty doing that! Sigh. These people just make me wish I was less normal and more outstanding. In a positive way of course! Some days, I feel like I'm this boring wallpaper that doesn't even serve any purpose. I'm just there because someone, at some silly whim, decided to get some wallpaper, and in the end, got tired of picking designs and just picked soemthing plaain and boring. Yeah. That is how I feel. Not even 'proper' nice wallpaper. Wallpaper with little thought put into it because no one could be bothered to do a good job.

Okay. I seem more depressed than I actually am. I'm just a bit stressed by my summer plans. You'd think that I should be all nice and carefree during summer, but the truth is hardly. There are things to worry about, namely my finances. Trips and cosplay cost money, and I do not want to give up my current standard of living. Furthermore, I've just paid for Japanese classes and am now more broke than ever. Its really infuriating when you take ages to save but money seems to be always lacking. Its one of the reasons why I am seriously considering quitting this. Each costume costs, and I already owe my parents $600 which needs to be paid by the end of next month. Maybe I should look for a job now? But its weird to look for a job now becuase I'll be even busier with school stuff in a few weeks, what with the various camps that I'm organising and all. Last year was better because I was working some 8 months consecutively and had enough to spare for cosplay and school and life. Now? I think I can understand why some people do crazy things for money.

There are some days that I wonder why I'm the way I am. Someone commented that when I'm alone and doing my own thing, I feel so distant and cold, and she wondered if I was merely putting on a front in front of other people to entertain and be accepted. Personally, I have no idea, but I do know that I'm much less enthusiastic about anything alone. I usually try to persuade people to see things the way I do, and its not really necessary to persuade myself about anything that I really feel very strongly for. So all the energy that you see me expend is to convince you to see things from my perspective. Alone, I think I'm likely to curl up and read something. A book usually, or to listen to music and fall asleep. I hardly ever watch television, not even videos online. I get bored by the television, unless its something very entertaining, I usually won't pay more than 15 minutes of attention. Strange aren't I? People say that books are a bore and cannot be bothered to read, but I think books are interesting. Its things like television and hack and slash games that bore me. After a while, it repeats itself and I cannot be bothered anymore. Nothing changes, just a brief adrenaline rush. NEXT.

Lets go read someone's blog~

"What did I do before music?"

Influence

Playlist

The Umbrella of Glass by Versailles

Last night, I had a heart-to-heart-talk with my brother. Both of us were lying in bed, unable to sleep, so Smacky started talking about his health and school when I asked. Although everything that transpired was in the darkness at night at midnight, I'm still in a slight stake of shock. Why? My brother and I are so alike that it is positively freaky. The concerns that he has, the doubts and troubles... I could empathise, because in many ways, we have the same problems. The main difference is our approach to these similar situations, but in essence, the similarity is astounding.

Smacky was telling me about how he feels like an outsider most of the time, in school especially. We went on to talk about how he seems to have a different mindset from most of his classmates, and that he keeps hiding his true self in order to fit in better. Nevertheless, he still feels like a sore thumb, and that no one really understands him. In many ways, he feels that he also doesn't understand himself, and seems to be pretty lost on the issue of self-knowledge. After that, we talked a bit about his fears (MANY!) and his perspective of our family. I was really touched when he said that I was sometimes his 'best friend', although the status quo was that I was his sister. And it seems to me that I should start treating Smacky as a 'boy' rather than a 'brother' because he seems acutely aware that I'm a girl. And I mean ACUTELY.

I think I learnt al lot about my brother. It seems as if, under his rather nonchalant and reticent exterior, lies a little boy cruelly thrust into the adult world and forced to grow up to fit in. And grow up he did, way too fast and reminiscing his childhood. On many subjects, he has amazingly accurate insight, but his lack of real world experience makes it difficult for him to discipline himself and come to terms with the way things are. Not like I am much older and way more experienced, but I think an extra 4 years does make a difference. He seems so much like a younger me, and I am very much inclined to nag and cajole him into taking the 'easy' path that I see, but I know I'm being selfish. Smacky needs to make his own mistakes, and needs to attain comprehension on his own. If I were to handhold him all the way, he would suffer the moment he was left on his own. And more than anyone, I know how painful it is to be forced to live in the shadow of someone else. As his sister, I think I should provide support of any kind that he needs. I won't tell him where to go; I can only tell him the choices that he has an advice him. The ultimate decision needs to be his.

Its strange how I see myself reflected in him. Do my parents see their younger selves similarly reflected in me? In us? Do we all have some piece growing in the people that we live with and love? Or do we influence them to take similar paths and make similar decisions? I have no answer to all these, take them as the random nusing of a half mad girl with too much time and nothing to do if you wish. 

I want to be a better sister to my brother, and I'll plow my way through it regardless of what others think and say. I'm not certain of the mindset of my peers? Do all elder siblings try to take an active role in the well-being of their younger siblings? I do not mean this in the traditional Asian context where elder siblings are obligated to be nice, kind, sweet, loving and all, to younger siblings BECAUSE they are older and the siblings are younger. No, no. I mean this as aform of a conscious choice. A choice to be involved, to be concerned  and to do something to make the lives of those who come after us improve. Of course, I've no guarantee that my involvement will be beneficial rather than detrimental. Yet, would it not be better to try and fail than to not try at all? This is something that I've been puzzling over for quite a while, and have yet to arrive at a concrete answer. Making things worse with my input just reeks of self-fulfilment, and I feel that any endeavour that stems from purely hedonistic tendencies are doomed to failure.

What shall I do with this growing boy? 

"Everything that I am, I give to you in the hope that your tomorrow will be a better day."

Down

Playlist

Anomie by Matenrou Opera

I've been wondering for a while. Why in the world do I do the things that I do? Why did I choose to pursue this direction? Are there any secret desires that I'm trying to fulfil? Do I have a hidden motive for the path that I chose to take? Why did I pick this way of life instead of something less problematic? Why do I drive myself to do this? There's always this fear that what I'm doing is wrong. The feeling that I've made a drastic error somewhere a long the way, and that there is no way that I can get out of it. Its a nagging feeling, and you wonder if the person you are today is actually a cumulation of small errors that has created a situation where you can only go on to make more mistakes.

Why do I even think this is a mistake? I cannot really explain this very well, but I liken the sensation to something like a creeping suspicion of your motives. the feeling is something like this: Completing your exam script, and as you look up, you realise everyone around you is busy scribbling away. And you have absoloutely nothing left to write for your answer. The best part? You still have a lot of time to complete the exam. Thats the feeling. Not that I'm about to end my life early or anything, this is just a comaprison. But the feelingmakes you want to rip out your hair and scream in frustration. Okay. Maybe only I will feel like screaming in frustration, seeing how I'm someone who is more aggressve. Nevertheless, I think you know what I mean. So insecure!

I was ill for a while back. Fever, running nose, coughing... Typical flu symptoms. Been down with the flu far too many times in the later weeks of this semester. I ought to get more rest, rather than staying up late to read manga and to chat on MSN. I can undertsand why people will get addicted to the Internet. The degree of connectivity is astounding. The feeling that you'll never have to be alone again is rather appealing in a very sinister way. We all have our secrets and private thoughts, so when face with the prospect of never having to be alone... I think the little girl in me is happy to have people to relate to, but the adult in me understands that it is a surreal delusion. It is not true that I will never feel alone again. Its just a promise of camaraderie. Real relationships need physical interaction, because so much is lost through words and images alone. All the subtle messages...

Sigh. I'm rather sad that i won;'t be participating in THAT event, but I know it was never a real likelihood to begin with. I'm sad, but not depressed. If there's one thing I've learnt from my days in school, it is that if I let little things like this get me down, I will never be able to attain anything... Down yes, but not out yet. If I proclaim my own failure before I've even started on the journey, how successful and how enjoyable can it possibly be? Strange how I sound as if I am doing my best to convince myself to be stronger. I acknowledge that I am weak. just have to work harder and smarter. No way out of this...

"Don't look down on me, because I'll surely get somewhere."

MEME

Playlist

Me sneezing...

A

Available: I suppose?

Age: 20

Annoyance: Many. Mainly irritating people.

Allergic: Augmentin. Stupidity. Yeah.

Animal: Horse?

Actor: I suppose?

B

Beer: YUCK.

Birthday/Birthplace: 24 November, Singapore

Best Friends: Those FISHES out there:D

Body Part on opposite sex: ABS.

Blind or Deaf: Neither!

Best weather: Cool.

Been in Love: Yes.

Been bitched out?: Now and then.

Been on stage?: Definitely. LOVE IT.

Believe in yourself?: I do my best.

Believe in life on other planets: Yeah.

Believe in miracles: Now and then.

Believe in Magic: No

Believe in God: Capital G no. Small letter, yes.

Believe in Satan: Nah.

Believe in Santa: NEVER.

Believe in Ghosts/spirits: Yeah.

Believe in Evolution: Hmmm. Kinda?

C

Car: Anything as long as its mine.

Candy: NO.

Color: Purple. Red. Black? Depends. Usually purple.

Cried in school: Yes

Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate

Chinese/Mexican: Chinese

Cake or pie: Usually cake.

Countries to visit: Japan. USA. France. Italy. Hong Kong. Taiwan. Anywhere nice~

D

Day or Night: Day

Dream vehicle: Aeroplane

Danced: Love it. Present tense please.

Dance in the rain?: No

Dance in the middle of the street?: For some parade thing

Do the splits?: Easy.

E

Eggs: Any way.

Eyes: Black

Everyone is: Alive

Ever failed a class?: Math. History. Economics. ENGLISH YES THANKS TO THAT WITCH.

F

First crush: Can't remember

Full name: *:D*

First thoughts waking up: Please let me not screw up my exam.

Food: LOVESSSS~

G

Greatest Fear: Losing people because I didn't try hard enough.

Giver or taker: BOTH.

Goals: Sleep enough. Good GPA. GET MARRIED? HAHA

Gum: YUCK.

Get along with your parents?: Yes

Good luck charms: Sleep?

H

Hair Colour: Black

Height: 168cm-ish

Happy: Now and then

Holidays: Starts this Sunday

How do you want to die: Happy

Health freak?: Lazy, but conscientious

I (In guys/girls)

Eye colour: Black

Hair Colour: Black

Height: Not particular

Clothing Style: Please be able to dress appropriately.

Characteristics: Responsible. Caring. Understanding.

Ice Cream: Chocolate

Instrument: Likes many? Drums?

J

Jewelry: Has a weakness for bracelets

Job:Admin, F&B and Sales

K

Kids: Smart

Kickboxing or karate: Karate?

Keep a journal?: Yes

L

Longest Car Ride: About 9 hours?

Love: A lot of things.

Letter: Love them!

Laughed so hard you cried: Yes

Love at first sight: Chocolate?

M

Milk flavour: Plain

Movie: Anything that serves it purpose

Mooned anyone?: No

Marriage: Kinda?

Motion sickness?: NEVER.

McD’s or BK: BK. Moderately. Both are awful.

N

Number of Siblings:1

Number of Piercings: One each ear

Number: 17

O

Overused Phrases: Fish. Shark. Shoot. Sheet. Damn. Hell. Heck. What. Retarded.

One wish: More brains

One phobia: Falling ill (School does this to you.)

P

Place you’d like to live: Somewhere nice

Pepsi/Coke: Neither. BAD.

Q

Quail: Egg?

Questionnaires: HAHA.

R

Reason to cry: Sick. In pain.

Reality T.V.: NAH

Radio Station: International Channel?

Roll your tongue in a circle?: DONE.

S

Song: I like too many...

Shoe size: 39

Sushi: Salmon anyday

Skipped school: Yeah

Slept outside:Yes

Seen a dead body?: Yes

Smoked?: No

Skinny dipped?: No

Shower daily?: Yes

Sing well?: Don't know

In the shower?: Sometimes

Swear?: When in pain, sheer stress, pissed.

Stuffed Animals?: LOADS.

Single/Group dates: Yeah

Strawberries/Blueberries: Either

Scientists need to invent: More time!

T

Time for bed: When I'm done

Thunderstorms: Make my room stuffy though I love it

Touch your tongue to your nose?: NOPE

U

Unpredictable: Life?

Under the influence?: Too many things?

Understanding?: I WISH

V

Vegetable you hate: Anything that isn't GREEN

Vegetable you love: Broccoli

Vacation spot: Anyone wants to go Bali?

W

Weakness: Temper. Tongue.

When you grow up: HAHA

Which one of your friends acts the most like you: None. All different I guess?

Who makes you laugh the most: Depends?

Worst feeling: Being sick

Wanted to be a model?: Yes

Where do we go when we die: The urns in Guang Ming Hill

Worst weather: Heat. Humidity

Walk with a book on your head?: Now and then for fun

X

X-Rays: Yes

Y

Year it is now: 2010

Yellow: Fever?

Z

Zoo animal: Are animals?

Zodiac sign: Saggitarus

Brother

Playlist

Love Love Love by Epik High

This is a very strange coincidence. The song actually matches what I'm writing about. Its rarely the case nyah. My playlist is left on shuffle, so it really is random. WOW. A one out of 600 chance. Shows the amazing power of loving your brother.

In case I freak anyone out, I think I should quantify this. I love my brother as my brother. I've loved him from the moment my parents brought him home 16 years ago from the hospital. At that time he was just a little thing swaddled up and placed in the cot that I could barely peek into. Until today, where he's taller and heavier, and so very picky about the things that he wears. I love my brother, always have, always will, no matter what I may seem to say or do.

I've been plenty pissed at him. For ruining my toys. For messing up my fun. For kicking me in his sleep. For leaving his dirty clothes strewn around the house. For yelling at me when I refuse to give in to him. I know I've not always been the best sister around, but I do try. Why? I know he's an amazing person! What would I do without that boy who will long-windedly tell me about how his teacher is a dolt? What will I do without the boy who cleans the study room, stairs and kitchen every Sunday afternoon? What will I do without that boy who shakes his head at the crazy antics of his elder sister? What will I do without that boy who steals my chocolates and cookies and still dares to grin at me while strutting past me? I really love him.

In this life, I'll only have this one brother. We have different blood types, he's an A while I'm B. He can't even touch his toes while I'm a Chinese dancer. But all the same, he's the only person I'd ever poke and hug with absolutely no reservations. He can steal my cake and apple juice and I'd let him get away with it. I can take his stationary and he'd let me get away with it. We get along with each other, because somewhere in my head and heart, he's been there from the day he appeared wrapped like a present to a very bored 4 year old girl. 

There have been many things that I've been through because of him. Nursery school, grandparents, parents, cousins, many things changed because of him. When I was younger, I was disgruntled, and would sometimes take it out on him. But I guess I never meant any ill intent, because I remember that I'd go to sleep next to him because he said he was scared. I remember being irritated that I had to wake him up every morning, but I did so every day. I still do so, especially if he oversleeps his alarm. I'd make breakfast for him everyday when I was in primary school and lower secondary school until he was old enough to do so on his own. I remember washing his school shoes, complaining that his shoes were more black than white. I remember this distant sense of pride when I watched him on stage, really glad that my brother was so awesome. 

Yeah, I love my Smacky. He's stinky, messy, vain, cowardly, irritating and downright rude at times. At the same time, he's the cutest, sweetest, funniest and most understanding brother I could ask for. This big sister hasn't always been there, has she? I haven't been the kindest or most considerate sister, have I? I've said hurtful things, and done selfish things. I've been a pain and I've been inconsiderate. So even if you hate me, I'd still love you.

Of course, I don't think you hate me~ I know you love me too~ Although with your pride as a young and 'cool' 16 year old male, I sincerely doubt you'd ever say anyhting like that. You'd just go " Yeah lah, yeah lah, whatever." or " You siao ah!". But thank you for never saying "No". So don't worry, I'll still scold you and make you do your Mathematics homework. And please stop hiding your Literature textbook. I promise I won't EAT it, no matter how much I love books. So yeah, hand it over.

"I think I'm falling in love..."

Panic

Playlist

Dolce by Matenrou Opera

Tomorrow will be the Law exam. The day after my Philo-like paper. And on Saturday will be my Tech paper. This is the 10000th time I've said this, so please stop inventing exams for me on Thursday, Friday, or even last week. I don't need anymore exams to add to my plate. I know that it is not you who is taking these exams, but would you please try and remember, at least, that its 2 days in the row, before a Saturday paper? I am sick and tired of repeating this to anyone and everyone. If you can't be bothered to rememberall the nitty gritty details, not like there are a lot of details to remember, just note that my holidays start on Sunday and bug me then with you incessant repeated questions. I'd be in a better mood to deal with idiots. SHEESH.

I was hoping that I'd be in a good mood today, but I guess the insecurity at having to face an exam where my weakest topic is likely to likely to make up the majority of the marks is very daunting. I've done no other studying than for Law these past few days, but I do not yet feel suitably enlightened. I feel the same way I did 3 weeks ago, which is a bad sign, considering how badly I've been faring in class and the Mid Terms. In short, all these lengthy sentences are equivalent to me screaming "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~~~!!!!!". Yeah. I indulge in long convoluted sentences that warp meanings and make my readers scream in agony at having to decipher the twisted sentence structure. HO HUM. I'm stressed, so the least you could do is to close one eye to all the convolution and bear with me. I should use less heavy sentences and will sturcture my thoughts in clear STRAIGHT LINES after my exams are over. I think...

Right now, I'm panicking about way too many things. I should calm down. The worst that could happen is that I flunk my exams?

HAHAHA? Not comforting at all...

"I'd like more time, but not like more time will make me less nervous about this..."

Thankful

Playlist

Faust by Matenrou Opera

New songs, new band. Not bad. A wee bit Deluhi-ish, with a touch of Versailles. I like.

This post is something like a thank you post. I'm relatively certain that the people I will be thanking will not be reading this, but I like the idea of a permanent cyber thank you. Immortalizing. AHHH. I miss Literature.

This is to all the people who helped me out in my crazy moments. The people who laughed with me. The people who laughed at the silly things I did, and promptly forgot it. The people who held out a hand when I was struggling. The people who gave me without asking for anything in return. The people who yanked me whan I was dragging my feet, and slowed me down when I was rushing to my death. These are the people that I owe a lot to. The people that I'll thank when I look back at the blobs in my memory where I was half-crazed and murderous, and they told me that I was being daft. Sometimes expressed, and often implied. Thank you.

I think I've seen my fair share of pain and suffering, but I'd readily admit that I'm one of the luckiest people. I don't have to suffer unjust treatment everyday, and my physical environment is pleasant. And I have all these amazing people who never seem to give up on me. I'm not sure if they actually hate me fromthe bottom of their hearts, but even so, its only a subjective evil. I'm still better off now.

I apologise if the spelling is abdominable, and if the syntax is strange. I'm currently dizzy from the cough mixture I ingested about an hour ago. So pelase pardon anything abnormal in my language. WAIT. It seems slightly pompous doesn't it? This post? OH WELL. I'm half concussed anyway.

Exams start next Tuesday, and end on Saturday. And the moment my last paper ends, my summer holidays begin. Fantastic isn't it? Near three months of freedom. I think I'll be busy reading,sewing and exercising. Need to get in shape. I have non-cheer reasons for wanting a nice figure, and that has mainly to do with photography and cosplay. There, I went and said it. My main motivation for keeping in shape. So unpure, but I guess it works, considering how I have yet to balloon into a fat pig.

This will be short, as my keyboard is blurry and the screen glows weirdly. 

I love you all. Thank you.

"I'm not sorry; I'm thankful."

Rest

Playlist

ヒトヒラのハナビラ by Stereo Pony

All my projects are done and presented. All that is left are exams, one Law, one Philosophy and one Tech paper. As of yesterday, I have now officially survived a year in my school. I think this is a fantatstic accomplishment, seeing how the first term was rocky and the second term was rockier. I fell ill more times than I can count, the most recent being NOW, I reached home from school past midnight more times than I can count, I slept at 3am more times than I can count, I felt suicidal more times than I count... But here I am today, alive and as well as I can reasonably be expected to be.

I think next year will be far worse. No more fluff subjects. More intensive and demanding classes. More course bidding nightmares. I can no longer be in the same classes as my friends. Training will intensify... In other words, things will only get tougher. A few people were dicussing quitting school for somewhere easier in the West. I can understand, but I cannot empathise. 

For me, when I decide on something, I will complain if there are problems, but I'd never really want to give up. Clutching at straws? Yes. I'd clutch at straws until it snaps. I wouldn't let go before. Yeah. I have a commitment problem; I never let go. I need to learn to stop, to really give up. Holding on for too long is ridiculous, but I like to believe that its not too long until nothing can be salvaged. Idealistic? Naive? Yeah, yeah, say whatever you like. I've lost things that could have been saved if I'd kept at it, so I'd rather be a stubborn mule than lose precious things. 

Blogging is a form of relief. Its a way to say things that I'd never have a chance to say in real life because of the various reasons and rules that govern social conduct. I hardly ever mention names, so it is open to individual interpretation. If you think I'm referring to you, that's great. If you think I'm referring to someone else, better luck next time? I don't care if its wordy and difficult to understand. I don't care if its cryptic and gives you a headache to plow through my maze of thoughts. its just the way my brain structures things. For once, I can write whatever suits my fancy! There is NO way I'm going to give it to you in report or research paper style just so you can understand it better. It meant to be this way! Stumble through my diction, hop through my insertions, cartwheel across my rhetorics. This is my blog, and I've already made concessions about the text and colour scheme. My content is my own to decide. As is my life.

Stereo Pony is an awesome band. I admire all-girl bands. Especially those who sing and dance WHILE playing musical instruments. I get irritated by falsely high pitched singing, but Stereo Pony is fine. The vocalist can carry a tune, and she's not whiny. OH YEAH. I have a question. When do Japanese girls use 僕? I hear it in Kalafina and Stereo Pony, but not other bands? Why? Can anyone solve this for me?

"Piss me off and I'll give you hot PINK words on a WHITE background."