Influence

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The Umbrella of Glass by Versailles

Last night, I had a heart-to-heart-talk with my brother. Both of us were lying in bed, unable to sleep, so Smacky started talking about his health and school when I asked. Although everything that transpired was in the darkness at night at midnight, I'm still in a slight stake of shock. Why? My brother and I are so alike that it is positively freaky. The concerns that he has, the doubts and troubles... I could empathise, because in many ways, we have the same problems. The main difference is our approach to these similar situations, but in essence, the similarity is astounding.

Smacky was telling me about how he feels like an outsider most of the time, in school especially. We went on to talk about how he seems to have a different mindset from most of his classmates, and that he keeps hiding his true self in order to fit in better. Nevertheless, he still feels like a sore thumb, and that no one really understands him. In many ways, he feels that he also doesn't understand himself, and seems to be pretty lost on the issue of self-knowledge. After that, we talked a bit about his fears (MANY!) and his perspective of our family. I was really touched when he said that I was sometimes his 'best friend', although the status quo was that I was his sister. And it seems to me that I should start treating Smacky as a 'boy' rather than a 'brother' because he seems acutely aware that I'm a girl. And I mean ACUTELY.

I think I learnt al lot about my brother. It seems as if, under his rather nonchalant and reticent exterior, lies a little boy cruelly thrust into the adult world and forced to grow up to fit in. And grow up he did, way too fast and reminiscing his childhood. On many subjects, he has amazingly accurate insight, but his lack of real world experience makes it difficult for him to discipline himself and come to terms with the way things are. Not like I am much older and way more experienced, but I think an extra 4 years does make a difference. He seems so much like a younger me, and I am very much inclined to nag and cajole him into taking the 'easy' path that I see, but I know I'm being selfish. Smacky needs to make his own mistakes, and needs to attain comprehension on his own. If I were to handhold him all the way, he would suffer the moment he was left on his own. And more than anyone, I know how painful it is to be forced to live in the shadow of someone else. As his sister, I think I should provide support of any kind that he needs. I won't tell him where to go; I can only tell him the choices that he has an advice him. The ultimate decision needs to be his.

Its strange how I see myself reflected in him. Do my parents see their younger selves similarly reflected in me? In us? Do we all have some piece growing in the people that we live with and love? Or do we influence them to take similar paths and make similar decisions? I have no answer to all these, take them as the random nusing of a half mad girl with too much time and nothing to do if you wish. 

I want to be a better sister to my brother, and I'll plow my way through it regardless of what others think and say. I'm not certain of the mindset of my peers? Do all elder siblings try to take an active role in the well-being of their younger siblings? I do not mean this in the traditional Asian context where elder siblings are obligated to be nice, kind, sweet, loving and all, to younger siblings BECAUSE they are older and the siblings are younger. No, no. I mean this as aform of a conscious choice. A choice to be involved, to be concerned  and to do something to make the lives of those who come after us improve. Of course, I've no guarantee that my involvement will be beneficial rather than detrimental. Yet, would it not be better to try and fail than to not try at all? This is something that I've been puzzling over for quite a while, and have yet to arrive at a concrete answer. Making things worse with my input just reeks of self-fulfilment, and I feel that any endeavour that stems from purely hedonistic tendencies are doomed to failure.

What shall I do with this growing boy? 

"Everything that I am, I give to you in the hope that your tomorrow will be a better day."