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Anomie by Matenrou Opera

I've been wondering for a while. Why in the world do I do the things that I do? Why did I choose to pursue this direction? Are there any secret desires that I'm trying to fulfil? Do I have a hidden motive for the path that I chose to take? Why did I pick this way of life instead of something less problematic? Why do I drive myself to do this? There's always this fear that what I'm doing is wrong. The feeling that I've made a drastic error somewhere a long the way, and that there is no way that I can get out of it. Its a nagging feeling, and you wonder if the person you are today is actually a cumulation of small errors that has created a situation where you can only go on to make more mistakes.

Why do I even think this is a mistake? I cannot really explain this very well, but I liken the sensation to something like a creeping suspicion of your motives. the feeling is something like this: Completing your exam script, and as you look up, you realise everyone around you is busy scribbling away. And you have absoloutely nothing left to write for your answer. The best part? You still have a lot of time to complete the exam. Thats the feeling. Not that I'm about to end my life early or anything, this is just a comaprison. But the feelingmakes you want to rip out your hair and scream in frustration. Okay. Maybe only I will feel like screaming in frustration, seeing how I'm someone who is more aggressve. Nevertheless, I think you know what I mean. So insecure!

I was ill for a while back. Fever, running nose, coughing... Typical flu symptoms. Been down with the flu far too many times in the later weeks of this semester. I ought to get more rest, rather than staying up late to read manga and to chat on MSN. I can undertsand why people will get addicted to the Internet. The degree of connectivity is astounding. The feeling that you'll never have to be alone again is rather appealing in a very sinister way. We all have our secrets and private thoughts, so when face with the prospect of never having to be alone... I think the little girl in me is happy to have people to relate to, but the adult in me understands that it is a surreal delusion. It is not true that I will never feel alone again. Its just a promise of camaraderie. Real relationships need physical interaction, because so much is lost through words and images alone. All the subtle messages...

Sigh. I'm rather sad that i won;'t be participating in THAT event, but I know it was never a real likelihood to begin with. I'm sad, but not depressed. If there's one thing I've learnt from my days in school, it is that if I let little things like this get me down, I will never be able to attain anything... Down yes, but not out yet. If I proclaim my own failure before I've even started on the journey, how successful and how enjoyable can it possibly be? Strange how I sound as if I am doing my best to convince myself to be stronger. I acknowledge that I am weak. just have to work harder and smarter. No way out of this...

"Don't look down on me, because I'll surely get somewhere."