Owe

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Ghost (Requiem Live) by Gackt

Whenever I'm in a bad mood that does not have anything to do with schoolwork, I'd indulge in a bit of Gackt. Okay, make that about hours of Gackt PVs. Its sinful to stare at Gackt for hours on end, mainly because I'd feel bad for the inner hyde fandom that I've established deep in my heart. Yes. Roll your eyes at how weird I'm behaving, but its true! I feel really really sorry for hyde, and I'd listen to Laruku and VAMPS songs on end to appease my inner fangirl. Gackt is like overdosing on sweet food so that I don't feel so terrible, but later on, you will get sick and tired of all that overbearing sweetness, and crave something simpler and more lasting... Like hyde's voice. So until later when I spam Laruku... I'm going to repeat the same vieo over and over again.

I think Gackt is appealing because of his absolute confidence. I mean, how many people can show up at a formal public conference/discussion dressed in a rubber monster suit with blazing blue lights and a wig and with dry ice smoke and STILL look GOOD? Gackt even brought a rubber dragon along! Yeah. Even hyde will have difficulty doing that! Sigh. These people just make me wish I was less normal and more outstanding. In a positive way of course! Some days, I feel like I'm this boring wallpaper that doesn't even serve any purpose. I'm just there because someone, at some silly whim, decided to get some wallpaper, and in the end, got tired of picking designs and just picked soemthing plaain and boring. Yeah. That is how I feel. Not even 'proper' nice wallpaper. Wallpaper with little thought put into it because no one could be bothered to do a good job.

Okay. I seem more depressed than I actually am. I'm just a bit stressed by my summer plans. You'd think that I should be all nice and carefree during summer, but the truth is hardly. There are things to worry about, namely my finances. Trips and cosplay cost money, and I do not want to give up my current standard of living. Furthermore, I've just paid for Japanese classes and am now more broke than ever. Its really infuriating when you take ages to save but money seems to be always lacking. Its one of the reasons why I am seriously considering quitting this. Each costume costs, and I already owe my parents $600 which needs to be paid by the end of next month. Maybe I should look for a job now? But its weird to look for a job now becuase I'll be even busier with school stuff in a few weeks, what with the various camps that I'm organising and all. Last year was better because I was working some 8 months consecutively and had enough to spare for cosplay and school and life. Now? I think I can understand why some people do crazy things for money.

There are some days that I wonder why I'm the way I am. Someone commented that when I'm alone and doing my own thing, I feel so distant and cold, and she wondered if I was merely putting on a front in front of other people to entertain and be accepted. Personally, I have no idea, but I do know that I'm much less enthusiastic about anything alone. I usually try to persuade people to see things the way I do, and its not really necessary to persuade myself about anything that I really feel very strongly for. So all the energy that you see me expend is to convince you to see things from my perspective. Alone, I think I'm likely to curl up and read something. A book usually, or to listen to music and fall asleep. I hardly ever watch television, not even videos online. I get bored by the television, unless its something very entertaining, I usually won't pay more than 15 minutes of attention. Strange aren't I? People say that books are a bore and cannot be bothered to read, but I think books are interesting. Its things like television and hack and slash games that bore me. After a while, it repeats itself and I cannot be bothered anymore. Nothing changes, just a brief adrenaline rush. NEXT.

Lets go read someone's blog~

"What did I do before music?"