Blunt

Playlist

Flower by Gackt

I want you to be happy, not because I have this belief that everyone has to be happy, but because I like your smile. I like it when you smile at the silly things I say on purpose, and when you laugh at the things that always unluckily happen to me. I like the way we share inside jokes about people we know and don't know, and how we understand how the other person thinks and functions. I like the sense of comfort and security, and the sense that everytime we're together will be another adventure. It doesn't matter if your family isn't well-to-do, it doesn't matter if you're not the smartest nor the brightest nor the most fantastic. To me, I'm happy to be with you every opportunity I get. So let's stay together forever alright? Let's not allow environmental circumstances dictate the way we interact. Let's not allow the people around us to decide if what we have is 'real'. Let's not allow our doubts cloud our belief of each other. And most of all, let's not start wondering why we're in this sort of relationship in the first place. Okay?

I think I'm not a person who is easy to get along with. I say sharp things bluntly (though some will say blunt is an understatement), and I have a low tolerance level for pretentious people and stupidity. I get bored easily, and I will demand what I want from others. I can be very aggressive, and I refuse to compromise on my values and beliefs. I have high standards, and I expect them to be met. I'm stubborn, hard-headed, rude, blunt... And I have no compassion for other people. Charity? Love? I am indifferent to the suffering of people outside my immediate sphere. I'm considerate, because I don't like dirty and messy things. I don't like to waste resources, and I hate pollutants. People who drink and smoke are tolerated because they help to shoulder my taxes, and I absolutely despise people who do nothing but try to fade into the wallpaper. Hit me, and I'll bite back. Steal things from me, and I'll tear your head off. I won't allow myself to be bullied or overlooked, and will gladly stand my ground to tough it out. In short? I'm prickly, and most people won't want to even WANT to get along with me after the initial 30 minutes, if they can even last that long.

But to my friends, I'm mad loyal. To the people I love, I'd brave hell, high water (though I'd probably drown) and whatever nonsense you throw at me to give them what they want and need and expect. I'd stand by you no matter what happens, and I'd be there should you need a hand. I'd forgive mistakes and errors because I love you, and an apology will usually get you further than you expect. I'll be your everything, if you give me a chance to be...

I just realised I typed all that without pause. Reads like a freaking CONFESSION. Oh well. Isn't every relationship a confession of sorts? An admittance that you want the presence of a certain person? A declaration that that person is on the same side as you? A hope that others will acknowledge the bond and link between the both of you? Even the people who are best friends with their own selves are using this concept. At the end of it all, we need understanding, and the acceptance that comes with knowing that even if you think you're weird and everyone thinks that you're weird... You're still accepted, and more importantly, loved.

WOW. This actually seems to make sense? HAHA.

"Alive, not mortal overmuch... Dying, not vital overmuch..."

Space

Playlist

Calling by FLOW

I think I'm going to work myself into a lil corner and later suffer from depression when I can't get out of the hole that I dug myself into. Stupid, but I think I have a tendency to do such nonsensical stuff to myself. For all that I claim to be, I think there are times when I wonder if I'm actually really stupid for doing such silly things to make my life more difficult than it already is... Things like joining a CCA that gives me bruises that number in tens. Things like signing up to do stupid things that will increase the number of injuries on my poor fingers. Things like making promises to irritating people because you have no alternative but to work with them URGH. Growing up stinks.

On to better things... My playlist is now by FLOW. Japanese band. More of a pop/rock sound. Some of their songs are pretty good, but others are just plain boring. The good thing is that I like the type of voice that the main vocalist has. Bad thing is that it doesn't really work well other than as background music. Oh well. You can't have a great playlist every day, the same way you can't have wonderful weather every day. I think I have pretty decent songs? I'd rate my music library an 8 out of 10. Not super awesome, as there are times when I skip 10 songs in a row when the music does not seem to fit my mood. More often than not, however, I think I enjoy my music. So yes, 8 out of 10. Not bad for someone who has pretty extreme internal mood swings (Its called internal for a reason, you can't tell, only my Tofu knows as I skip song after song and scroll up and down and down and up to search for that ONE song.) and needs music that matches. Life. HAHA.

Anyway, my brother moved out of the bedroom and hyde and Laraku and SID moved in! HAHA. I immediately enshrined them on the glass of my cupboard and sliding door. AWESOME MAX! HAHA. There's now a lot of space in the middle of the room with one bed gone. Kinda strange to be in the room alone after almost 2 years (?) with my brother. I think he's at the age where he needs more space. I think he's more conscious of the fact that I'm a girl than I am of the fact that he is a guy? To me, my brother will always be my Smacky. So it doesn't really make a difference to me. But yes. There is now SPACE. A lot of space, that I have no idea where to put my stuff. I want to maintain the neatness of my room. Everytime I move the cupboard, I throw away stuff that I've not touched since the previous time I packed. This time round? 2 bags of rubbish. People who know me well should know how anal I can be. Everything needs to be neat and tidy and IN LINE. I will scream and chop the person who messes up my area. Drip water on my floor? Put random objects on my cupboard or bed? Leave things on my floor? Clothes in a pile? I WILL HOLLER AT YOU. ANYWAY. My cupboard is now nice and empty, and the room is HUGE. I like~ Cleanliness and neatness is next to godliness.

The most irritating thing is that there's the GSS now. But I'm stuck with CIP and prop making and CCA for the next 2 weeks at least. I feel so deprived. I want to break the monotony of what I'm doing. Its like this: wake up, breakfast, go for CIP/ prop making, go for CCA, go home. BORING. I need new clothes for the new term. I need to clear out my cupboard. I need to repaint my room. OMG. So dead. So many things to do and so little time. I need to get a change in environment. Things are making me feel stifled and depressed. I shall be more positive!

"Please answer this call..."

Problem

Playlist

Sara by Matenrou Opera

I don't like problems. No matter what people say about challenges being character building and whatnot, I really really dislike problems. Some might feel that this is an obvious fact, (Who in their right minds would like problems?) but the truth is that there are people who DO like problems. Oh sure, these people SAY that they dislike problems, but according to my astute observational skills and with a little bit of low level imagination, I think there are those who revel in problems.

For the record, in case you were daydreaming while reading the previous paragragh, I DO NOT LIKE PROBLEMS. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel useless. It makes me feel like I'm trapped and helpess to do anything but to go with the flow and pray hard that something decent sprouts out from all the nonsense that I've been hurled. Absolutely detestable.  Nevertheless, for the sake of something called image, I think I've learnt to not show these feelings. I won't give you a sad face when I'm talking about my problems. I will smile and gestulate energetically. I'll laugh at the situation, and reduce the severity of it all. Better yet, I'll let you talk about your problems, and let mine take a back seat even if all you have are trivialities. After all, your problems are far off and distant, or something that I've experienced before. I'll give you a rational answer, wishing that you won't ask "What about you?".

I'm not sure if this is something that seems ironic. Or confusing. I think my recent blogs have been chronicling a constant flux of perspectives. Yes, it is all from me, but I realise thta I have changed the subject, object and tone as I go along. Its as if the different parts of myself that I keep seperated are started to bleed into each other. Its fine on my blog, but in real life, I can safely say that it would be very very troublesome. I should do something about this. While it keeps the bare truth hidden, I'm afraid that I'll be hiding more than I ought to?

In a most peculair state of mind. I think it is rather obvious to anyone who has constantly been in contatc with me or reading my blog. As mentioned, in a state of flux. Give me some time and I'll deal with it. I'll go back to my inane complaints about people and pathetic new experiences that I've gathered. Somedays, I wonder why I feel like writing when the content is so silly. Well, I hope someone out there who reads this will feel happier knowning that the owner of this blog is more ridiculous than them. All in a day's work for a charitable and generous person. Like me.

"Even if I were to disappear from this world, the fact that I have existed will never cease to be..."

Brief

Playlist

Lollipop by 2NE1 ft. BIG BANG

Suddenly on a Korean song craze. Not sure why, but I think that interceding Japanese and Korean songs makes for great listening. I think its because of the difference in the structure of the songs and language. Its amusing how 2 languages that started from Chinese could have evolved to be so different, yet still so beautiful. I guess I like Asian languages best. Nothing too guttural and sharp. Nice and fluid~

I'm pretty tired these few days. Dog tired. Exhausted. I think most of it is from the CIP camp that I just returned from, but I guess I'm also sick of my life. Not that I'm suicidal, more of sick of my lifestyle. I feel that there is a lack of meaning, and I'm not really able to connect with anyone. Everyone seems so busy, or so afflicted with their own demons to help you slay yours. Even if there were no evils to be conquered, I think as a social animal, I need constant interaction with others to keep going. I'm half introverted and half extroverted, so while I hate huge parties, being a solitary creature for an extended period of time is detrimental to my health too. By extended period I mean something like a WEEK. I can survive on acquaintances for about 2 weeks, but after the first week, I start to exhibit signs of stress. I guess I'm high maintenance in this way? HAHA.

We've all wondered if there are things we do that are worth it. And sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and really wonder if everything that I'm doing is nothing more than an exercise in futility. (I need to thank Whitby for teaching me this.) Especially when I wake up with aching muscles, walk over to the bathroom and see the cuts and bruises... I wonder if I'm doing something that is worth all these. Come on, I think there's something wrong if I'm using knee guards and wrist guards every waking moment. And I'm taking so much Vitamin C that its s good thing that you can't overdose on it. If I was more self-concious about my body, I think all the bruises will freak me out, after all at last count, I have 10.

"Searching for that something extra..."

Recall

Playlist

NPS NGS by Malice Mizer

HAHA. Yes, I'm listening to a song that was released more than a decade ago. Not sure why, but I really like the combination of Mana's composition and Gackt's voice. It gives a consistently high level of 'ooh'ness. Not that Klaha's voice isn't great, but there are some songs which are just... Not as interesting. Strangely, after Malice disbanded, I never really liked any of Mana's other compositions. I guess Malice was his musical creative peak to me? The new style of Mois is not Tofu-able.

My new favourite band is D=Out, as anyone who reads my Tumblr will know. They always seem to be having fun and the lack of English words in their songs make the band very appealing. They have this rather jazzy feel (jazz and rock, WOW) that makes for easy listening. Kouki's voice may be too nasal for many at first listening, but it grows on you. He has this hyena voice, and his laugh is kinda creepy (sounds FAMILIAR no?). But when he sings... I'd be lying if I said that there are no traces of his hyena voice, but its good. Very different from most other vocalists. Most singers tend to have a smooth voice, no matter the pitch. Kouki, however has a slightly husky nasal voice. Weird combination? Yeah, its not very obvious, but its there. Not very husky, but not smooth, especially when he encounters choppy sounds (OMG I forgot the name of the sound! Whitby will have MY HEAD!). In all? Listen to D=Out! (shameless plug!)

I feel like creating a list. Something along the lines of "Top 10 Things That I Cannot Do Without". Or something like "Top 10 Songs That I Listen to When I'm Gyming". Or maybe something like "Top 10 Ways to TOTALLY Piss Me Off". I'm not sure why, but I'm in the mood for lists. I think with humour and some simple organisation with formatting, lists can make fun reading. Better than typing lengthy chunks of prose with no markers as to the next transition that I will undertake. At least with a list, if I say that there are 10 items, you'd read 10 paragraphs of text in order to get to the end of that list. No need to structure my post in such a way that I can retain your attention. I mean, each post takes, on average, 30 odd minutes to type. So if you get bored, I'd feel feel very sad. And angry. And disappointed that I can't get your attention. Call me high maintenance and whatnot, but the truth is, I DO think and try to structure my post OKAYSSS~ I've received a lot of feedback that I'm actually this long-winded middle aged woman masquerading as a 'happening' young lass. My reaction, was somewhere between shock, horror and amusement. I'm not sure how the scale for this would work, but yeah, just to let you know, I'm 20. Yeah. Pretend you did not see that number. I'm young (compared to most other human beings) and I am unsure about how cool I am. I don't think I'm cool, more like... Strange. If someone was to say I was 'cool', I think I would pretend to be happy and be morbidly affronted. My reaction would probably be along "WTHELL? I'M COOL? Since when! Are you sure you're talking about me and not my non-existent twin? I'm COOL? In which parallel universe or alternate dimension did you come from? HOMG! Do you need a DOCTOR?!" Kinda pathetic eh? Someone says that you're cool, its suppose to be a compliment, but you react as if you've just been told you've got cancer. Oh well.

I think I might be overworking my body. Chair potato that I am have been training 3 times a week for the past few weeks. Like the good cheerleader that I'm supposed to be. YEAH. Laugh, go ahead and laugh. The fact of the matter is that this afternoon, I had a 3 hour nap. I'm only calling it a nap because I don't have a term for bouts of sleeping that is neither long nor short. It was pretty deep sleep (had a really weird and psychedelic dream that I cannot describe) and I think I might have slept all the way to tomorrow if my mum had not dragged me out of bed. I guess tired doesn't really cover it anymore. Both physical and mental stress. Muscle aches and mental gymnastics trying to figure out a way to divide my time between cosplay and school. It seems simple, but there are soooo many sub-divisions that I cannot be bothered to break it out here. Conclusion, I'm tired.

Now for the Top 10! What shall it be? MOVIES~

My Top 10 Favourite Movies of ALL TIME~

10) My Fair Lady. Funny. Teaches you English pronounciation. Audrey Hepburn. Smart movie.

9) Howl's Moving Castle. Realistic. Prince Charming turns out to be useless. Cool talking lump of charcoal. Nice voice acting. Hayao Miyazaki. WATCH!

8) Stephen Chow's Pandora Box movie. (For the life of me, I can't remember the title!) FUNNY. Pointless. Stephen Chow. Lame jokes. Lame-r jokes. Stupid things.

7) Romeo + Juliet. Classic remixed. Lines from the play in a movie. Smart movie. Cool effects. Good screenplay. "Draw thy sword!".

6) Heartbreak Library. Very sweet and sad. Romantic without being cheesy and corny. Makes you want to believe in people again.

5) MOON CHILD. hyde. Gackt. Gunfire. Gunfire. MORE GUNFIRE. Big brother and little brother. Sad song. Touching moments. Plot twists. 'Nuff said.

4) Nodame Cantabile. HILARIOUS. Stupid. Sad. Sweet. Funny. SPOOF-ish. Dancing squirrels. Music. Priceless facial expressions.

3) Spirited Away. Hayao Miyazaki. DRAGONS! Crying babies. Sweet, sweet inter species love. DRAGONS. PIGS! MAD funny.

2) Antique Bakery. Gay guys never looked this HAWT. Cakes never looked so YUMMY. Kim Jae Wook is absolute delish! As yummy as the stuff he makes~

1) Still looking! Anti-climatic eh? HAHA~

So there we have it. The LIST. WOW. Its way shorter than I thought it would be. Maybe I should list my favourite songs next. I bet that would be a head scratching, hair tearing and grimacing experience. Music is a mood thing~

"I won't regret loving you, so leave, because all that is left are the good memories..."

Role

Playlist

Sunrise by D=Out

I was not going to blog about this incident, because I felt that it would have been akin to a mindless rant. No added value to anyone who reads it. Nevertheless, when I woke up this morning with aching biceps, upper torso, back and thigh muscles, I just  could not resist the urge to blog about this. I've given it about 12 hours to get the immediate anger out of my system, so now... I'm gonna preach. YEAH. Stop reading if you're in no mood to continue.

Like I've mentioned somewhere in my blog some months ago, I spent 10 years in an all-girls' education system. The next 2 years in junior college was almost the same, with guys numbering 4 out of the 26 students in my class. Not a really balanced environment I know, but it did teach me one very important thing: You are only as good as what you believe. What do I mean by this? 

Even in junior college, there was a slight culture shock when dealing with others, especially girls from a co-education schools. Its only in a mixed environment that you realise the presence of gender roles, and the most surprising thing is that these roles are usually self imposed! Teachers will tell the boys to move the tables and the girls stand aside, even if you only have 4 guys and 30 plus tables to move. I'm sure it can be attributed to sheer laziness on the part of the girls to sit there and wait for the guys to move all the 30 plus tables up 3 flights of stairs. About 8 times each. With a table in hand. Up 3 flights of stairs. If I was one of my male classmates, I would have screamed bloddy murder. Of course, the guys kept quiet (though I could see they wanted to protest), and the girls kept quiet and we watched those poor boys slaving away.

Knowing me? HAHA. I stood up after the boys were gone and decided to contrubute. I mean, I've arms and legs. I'm healthy and fit. I might not have the stamina like the guys, but if I clear 4 tables, thats one table less for each guy! And if a few more of my classmates, who were healthy and fit decided to contribute? The reaction of the girls was very amusing. There were a few like me who started to move the tables, while the rest continued chatting away on their perch. Later, I overheard one of those girls saying:" I don't understand why girls have to carry tables and chairs?! Its so tiring! Leave it to the guys!" My response? WTFISHCAKE.

The implications and undertones are so infuriating. Its like saying 1) Guys are meant to perform manual labour, 2) Girls should never perform manual labour, 3) Guys don't find manual labour tiring, and the more sublimal messages are a) I should not be carrying heavy (The table was around 1kg? Or less?) b) The guys are meant to do these kind of things for me. Of course, I find all these really silly and mind-numbingly infantile. Go find yourself a boyfriend who will carry everything and do everything for you for the next 50 years. You can just sit there and wait. I prefer to get things done my own way at my own time. None of my business. Well, that was what I thought until yesterday. At cheer.

I'm not going to bore you with MORE details (The previous few paragraphs must have been a HUGE BORE). Lets just say there was a new girl, quite skinny, a bit pretty, super bimbotic. We made her a backspot because of her height, but boy, was that a HUGE mistake. She was shying away from the flyer all the time. And the first time the flyer fell? She huddled into a corner. She was supposed to save the flyer who was falling from a height of 1.2 metres and she ducked away."I'm scared!" Sure. So am I, looking at the way you spot. Told her to help load the flyer? "Oh my, she's so heavy!" Excuse me, I'm carrying her weight! All you need to do is help me load her! Asked her to balance the flyer by holding on to her ankles? "Her feet are dirty!" Well, I'm holding the BOTTOM OF HER SHOE? Flyer fell and brushed against her (cause she was too busy ducking away)? "My face hurts! I think its swollen! What am I going to do? It hurts!" Yeah, my flyer hurts too cause she just slammed onto the floor, free fall mind you because of said useless girl, for the 5th time? HAHA.

So I decided to backspot instead and swopped her to base. The reasoning was that even if the flyer fell through her hands, I could probably rescue the flyer. Her aghast face that she was going to be 'stepped upon' must have been worth a few thousand dollars at least. It was slightly better, but I felt like it was just one base and one backspot holding the flyer up. Because honestly? I was pretty much doing whatever I could do keep the weight off her hands just in case she decided to give up. That girl should be kicked off the team. If you're so weak that you can't even backspot, I don't think you'll have the strength to hold for prep as a flyer either. More importantly? I think If I based you, I'd be inclined to work less hard. Much less harder.

All flyers are the same to me. It doesn't matter if you're the bitch who made my friends cry or the super nice girl who really listens and tries hard. I'll save you all the same because I don't think anyone should break their spine or ribs or anywhere else because I was too lazy or too weak to rescue them. If I wanted to exact revenge, I'd drop you when you're loading up, or give you less momentum at pop so that you'll have to work more. Nothing that will send you to the hospital. I'm not evil. I won't run away because by getting up there, you're trusting me to catch you when you fall. I won't betray that trust, but if you can't respect others and show others that you are worthy of trust... Get out of the team before something bad happens, BIMBOTIC BITCH.

"What a lousy way to start my June... SIGHS. So busy~"

Cookie

Playlist

明星オリオン by D=Out

I smell like butter and sugar. Yes, I've showered, but the cloying smell seems to have seeped into my pores. My hair smells like shampoo and my skin smells like soap, but under all these, its the smell of sugar and butter. As if while baking, I was soaking in the scents in the kitchen as well. Its not that I hate it, just that I'm not used to smelling like food. I usually eat food. Not smell like food. Not the delectable kind of girl. More of the kind of girl you'd avoid being with because I'm not cute nor amusing. I'm more if the type who's like a cat. Faintly interesting and seemingly concerned about you, but you'll never reach my core. For all my smiles and hugs and glomps, how many people can claim to know me? If you've been to my house, I guess you'd probably be able to say that you're a friend. All the others? I have no idea? Somewhere in the various gray areas I suppose? If you have to sincerely ask... *smiles*

Anyway, the cookies are pretty good, if you like them a wee bit charred and crunchy. Plenty of filling and slightly sweet. Overall, I think I did a pretty decent job for someone who has not used the oven for more than a year. Tell me if you want some? I'll pass them to you, as long as there are still some left. Whilst stocks last~

I think I'm in this weird state of mind now. I refuse to let it be June, simply because time is passing too fast. I fear July and the administrative things that i will have to do for school with it. Disgusting. Another year to fight through and struggle with. I must have been mentally retarded when I made my choice. Yes, distance is a non-issue, but the workload is HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. It makes you wonder if suicide is worth it because of the sheer amount of work that will be left over. You're actually worried if the work will haunt you even after you die. You cannot fall ill. You cannot take a break, because the work will pile up. I'm going to say something random now, and that is that I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend, much less get married and have kids. Its not the lack of boyfriend and potential spouses that I'm worried about. I really really want a child. Not now, but in the near future. As in, within the next ten years, so its more of a long term plan to most, but what is ten years to me? Random much? I've yet to meet anyone that I'm interested in anyway. Sure, there are good looking guys here and there, nice guys someplace around and all the other types elsewhere. Nevertheless, I've yet to come across someone that makes me feel 'I can work with you in the long run', much less 'I can't do without you'. Pathetic eh?

Sometimes I'm really jealous of the people around me. I want to grab them and shake them really hard and yell at them to appreciate the things that they are taking for granted. Then again, there are likely to be people who wish to do the same to me? I would not be too surprised if there really were people who think I'm a spoilt princess who takes everythting that I possess for granted. Personally, while I joke that I am my father's princess, deep in my heart, there's this sense of uncertainty whenever I say it. If something is the truth, there is this weight when you say it. Well, its not like the declaration of my princess-hood is utterly unture, although there are elements of it for sure. After all, which princess you know would clean the floor, do the laundry, run errands... MY GPA stinks. I want a better GPA. So I shall work harder (and smarter towards a better GPA). So what if I can qualify for the better exchange programmes? With only 3 to 5 places a year, cometition is tough! I will definitely get into that particular programme. After all, its what I want~

This seems like a short post. I suppose I'm sick and tired of posting this? Sometimes, there are just some things that will not do well to be mentioned in a blog. The nature of what needs to be said might require it to be carried away with the wind. And I should stop my bad habit of passing off my thoughts and opinions as that of others. I lose out on the credit, and there is no risk. Not enjoyable. Too safe. And there's going to be a Koi Bubble Tea store at Iluma~

"If I could embrace you and never let you go..."