Pit

Playlist

Its Time by Glee (Darren Criss as Blaine Anderson) - Original by Imagine Dragons

Here I am, a quarter of the globe away from home and wishing that I was home. I know, I know, I did this on my own, I stubbornly did all this, and now all I say and do reeks of buyer's remorse. The first time did not work out, and instead of taking it in stride and moving past it, all I did was to try again, and I am now whining about it like a stupid and annoying brat.

I do not hate what I am doing, Neither do I dislike where I am. Nevertheless I admit that I wish I was somewhere else doing something else with someone else. Where what and with who? I have no idea. All I do know is that I feel tired of this place, and I have been here for a mere sixteen odd hours. Maybe its because all I did today was to run around with a twenty two kilogram luggage though train stations and across states in the hot sun. Not exactly the most comfortable and exciting of tasks.

So many things that I am giving up, and so little that I am getting in return. Not even a semblance of return. It feels like an exercise in futility. Or is this just the nerves and slight depression talking? I have no idea and I wish that I could stop feeling this way. It makes me feel like like a wasteful and worthless entity. Oh how I sometimes wish to be a jellyfish. No brains and no ability to doubt and question and think so much that you drive yourself into a  corner from all the thoughts yapping at your heels.

Maybe I should stop this post and just go straight to bed. Quite worrying to blog and continue thinking. It makes me relax, but I fear that I will only be relaxed while blogging, and all the negativity will come haunting again when I power off the computer. As I've previously mentioned, fear is a very crippling emotion. Sometimes vocalising it helps you to deal with it. But I am also of the belief that there are times when you just shove it into a corner and hope that it disappears with time and a lack of concern. Is the fear like a weed or a flowering plant? I think the characteristics of that determines what you do with your thoughts.

Shall end here prematurely. Some things become more real once you say it.

"And now its time to build from the bottom of the pit right to the top..."

Flesh

Playlist

One of A Kind by GDragon

Just came back from a career talk by J.P. Morgan. Considering how this is technically the second week of semester, I can safely tell you that if you had told me that I would be doing this 3 years ago, I would have laughed in your face and told you the last place I will want to go to is a bank. I guess people change. Life changes us, our environments change, the options made available to us change... Everything changes. And I think that while it is often not something we look forward to, its what we need to do to stay alive. I wish I could maintain the mindset that I had when I was in nineteen. Or less ambitiously, last year. Nevertheless, I cannot go back to who I was. The me today is who I was yesterday, and then some. I cannot undo what was done to me in the course of today, any more than I can prevent myself from becoming who I will be tomorrow. Its part of nature, and sigh, I could go on and on about how much I want things to stay the way they are, but that is not going to happen.

I wonder what I will be doing in 3 years. I would definitely have graduated and would probably be working. Not sure in which industry and doing what but I really hope that it is something that I enjoy. otherwise, I hope that it pays the bills and my mounting school loans. I think I have arrived at this despondent stage where all I really want is something that allows me to live comfortably. When you're still in school, 3 years is no big deal, because you would probably still be in the same school. Considering how I am in my last year of education... The entire gamut of emotions just makes me very confused, scared and lost. Wondering how to deal with the mess that is my head trying to communicate with my heart and my soul. Tri-party networks are not famed for being stable.

Kind of consulted with my mum, and she told me to just apply for everything and try everything. her argument is that while rejection sucks, it builds character and at least I tried. No regrets later on when I'm older and looking back. Thinking about it, I guess while we cannot just sit back and let our lives run itself, there is a measure of luck and fate as well? Being at the right place at the right time, doing the right thing at the right time? Of course, being hardworking and smart does help with the connections and ultimately, the opportunities we get, but I suppose there is this element of affinity? I understand that this is simultaneously very fatalistic and anti-fatalistic, and you can blame it on my upbringing if it gives you a headache. As a Singaporean Chinese, I subscribe to both the Western mindset of man being master of his own fate, and the very Oriental concept of fate and destiny. It works alright in my head because I'm, well, me, but I understand its hard to accept both at once if you don't have the same baggage that I do. Always the case.

Not sure of what will happen anymore. I guess I can only do my best, plan as much as possible, and hope for the best? Trying to be optimistic here...

So much more that is going through my head but I am not sure of how to convey it all. I guess I still need some time. Hopefully my time is  not running out...

" I ask for things that cannot, because I have dreams I want to flesh out."

Weak

Playlist

In My Remains by Linkin Park

Borrowed the album from my cousin and I have been listening to it on an endless loop for about half a week. Usual for me when I like an album, but I have not done that since I got hold of Big Bang's Still Alive, and I really cannot remember the last time I listened to an English album on loop for a day, much less days. Only goes to show how much I like Linkin Park's new album I guess? The previous album was very forgettable to me, although it sounded plenty promising and I think I gave up on it sometime around the second rotation. It happens. It is what happened to most of the Japanese bands I follow, although in the case of Japanese bands, I kinda got annoyed at the numerous singles system. There would usually be a new track, a remix of an old track, and sometimes if you're lucky, maybe a Live version or a double side single release. Superbly annoying. Yeah they need to earn money but its not enough. I like things to be substantial. I really don't mind paying as long as its substantial. 10 minutes of music is anything but substantial.

Kinda getting used to Windows 7. Took me a while, but I guess it because there is always the initial resistance to new things that happens after you go past a certain age? But then the thrill of discovery sets in and you start being amazed at how you survived with all the minor little inconveniences that was present in the previous operating system. I guess it makes you realise how quickly people adapt to things? Not that I dislike my old computer or anything of the sort... In fact I like my old computer because I don't have to worry about missing things (for some very strange reason I lack some songs in the new computer's iTunes Library, even though I copied the entire library over... Hmm...), and about where to find the various functions. Mainly things like ease of use that stems from familiarity. After all, after 3 years, you do get a little attached.

And I have approximately 3 weeks left in this country. Which is plenty scary if you think about it in a very objective way. I do suppose that everyone on exchange feels roughly the same as I do though? The excitement that comes with going to a new country, the fear of being ostracised and robbed, the anticipation of meeting new people, the dread of staying alone for an extended period of time... Mixed and mashed together and I'm virtually a ball of nerves and this is unlikely to change anytime soon. I'm weak, and I always need people to want me around and need me around to feel alright. Yeah, I look like I'm superbly self assured and happy, but the truth is, I'm the type that is weak when others are strong and strong when others are weak. Which kinda makes me weak? The more you need me, the stronger I get. Something like that...

Most of my friends are attached and slowly, it becomes as though you are the weird one that no one loves. Sure, none of them are mean enough to say it, but sometimes its this half unsaid comment that just hangs in the air about you. Do I hate being single? Nope. Do I want to be attached? Maybe. Its that awkward phase where it feels more like a social obligation rather than a personal desire. Lousy reason to tie someone to me. But I will admit that I am weak. In a very strange way, I think I am a little afraid of being alone. I am not too sure of what I am like when I am by myself. Do I smile? Am I less annoying? I just tend to keep quiet and laze around and do the hundred and one things that introverts do when they are alone. Like blog. Read books and comics. Do my cross stitch. Things like that. I tend to avoid social networking when I am by myself, which hints at introversion. Sort of like... Adjusting my temperament to suit the situation, although I know that I am horrible at networking and at making friends. I guess people can just detect my lack of interest. Interestingly enough I am pretty decent in sales? The fake smile does work on people, enough to make them buy things but not enough for them to want to be my friend. I am so pathetic. Sigh.

Recently, my parents have been starting to talk about their retirement plans, and my career path and all the scary stuff that no one ever tells you when you're a kid. Its not scary like the monsters in the bathroom or the flying cockroaches that pop out of the bin cabinet; its scary because you know its there. Most of us will have the ill luck of experiencing aging, where your bones start to creak and your eyes start to fail and your teeth begin to fall out and your hearing dulls and all the other inevitable signs of physical deterioration. Getting old. Losing control of your body. And the worse part is how we all live like we are going to die, totally forgetting that we need to age before we get to die. I know things are not gonna be all fun and games for me in another fifty years, because even know, I have problems with my knees. My wrists feel weird on certain days, and I'm barely past my second decade of life. The back and the neck area, my fingers... All these are potential trouble spots just waiting to suffer from wear and tear... Goodness. This is such a very depressing topic.

Scrolled upwards and realised that this post is steadily growing in length. I guess it makes me happy when I see something nice and lengthy. The despondent ex-Literature student syndrome. You prefer extensive text and practice strange writing styles that most people never utilise because you learn the strangest tools that novelists and playwrights employ. Sometimes your sentences even rhyme, or have a certain meter thanks to all the poems you devoured in an attempt to better identify themes and patterns. I miss the good old days of laughing at the various themes and corny interpretations that we come up with. The teachers who loved what they were doing, the classmates who read and recommended books that were never on a reading list... Fun times. Gone.

Oh man, I just added another paragraph! Ok, all these thought shall probably be continued at another time in the, hopefully, not so distant future.


"Falling in the cracks/ Of every broken heart/ Digging through the wreckage/ Of your disregard..."

Caesura

Playlist

Its All Coming Back To Me by Glee (Original by Celine Dion)

In slight disbelief that it has been three months since I first started my internship. Last day today. What have I accomplished? This I know not at this point in time. I could tell you about what I did and what was my job description, and as I have mentioned previously, I could go on and on about the fluffy things... But it would be completely missing the point. I will honestly admit here that no matter what the hell I decide to write in my internship report, I have absolutely no stinky idea as to what I've achieved in this span of time. The worst part is that I believe I will be as lost until sometime a year or two later. New York, Montreal and Japan is just starting to sink in. Pray tell what makes an internship easier to absorb than the most expansive trip I have ever taken in my entire life?

So yes, I do feel extremely lost now. Not sure of what I want, where I want to go and how to go about from here on. So many things that I have yet to try and cannot yet decide on how I want to proceed. I do not even know if I am really doing what I want... I guess I feel like a headless chicken/housefly that is just running amok with neither purpose nor a destination in mind... And this is the kind of knowledge that makes you feel useless and upset about yourself.

This will be a super short post because I have no idea of what else to type. Been quite a while since everything in my head dried up so... Sorry? I guess ruminating is not a good thing if done in excess. Then again, nothing that is done in excess is ever really good. I mean yeah, you could say that a certain amount of dedication is necessary to accomplish results, but honestly? I often feel that it is just a very fine line between being determined and being stubborn. The same way there is a line between seeking better results and overdoing things. The most hilarious thing is how we decide on which side of the line we are on, and everyone has a different idea of what is acceptable and unacceptable.

I mean, take the Olympics for example. Most of the athletes train about six to eight hours everyday, some even go all the way up to ten hours. I mean if I told my mum I wanted to run for anything more than an hour everday, she would probably tell me that I am overdoing it. But I guess the desired outcome, and hence the guideline for the intensity of the activity differs. I am nowhere trying to be an Olympian, and I have other things to do in life. Not like they are any more meaningful but... Yeah, I think thats why things are the way they are.

Yes, I should probably stop here. Half baked thoughts and strange reasoning. Until next time.

"I finished crying in the instant that you left... And I banished every memory that you and I had ever made... "

Wash

Playlist

Kiss Kiss by Kim Hyun Jung

Woke up this morning and saw the mess that was my house and this immense sense of irritation descended upon me. I hate messy places. I ignore them as far as possible because I understand not everything can be labelled and sorted and stored away forever in a nice corner never to emerge again. I also understand that there is a certain measure of disorder that arises from living in a shared space. And there are time constraints on all of us, which is why my book cupboard is in a relative mess, my wardrobe has too many jackets hanging for my liking, and there are still 3 cupboard boxes in my room. All of them will disappear come early August, when I FINALLY have the time to sort things out. I moved into my new house in January, had to fight with school until mid April, had one week to relax slightly before this insane internship began in the beginning of May. So my real holiday starts only in August, where I will definitely pack up my book cupboard and wardrobe. With respect to the boxes, I have this sinking feeling that they will remain due to the sheer lack of book shelf space available in my house. We used to have a book room, and even then there were boxes of books inside; very unlikely that this part will change. 

What annoys me more than mess, is dirt. I abhor dirty places. The only day that I dare to sleep on the floor, although I love sleeping on the floor, is on Sundays after I have cleaned the floor. There is no way in hell that I will sleep on a dirty floor. I don't care if some people think its just 'some' dirt. Dirt is dirt and with all the construction and renovation in my area, I will be damned if I were to sleep on the floor.

So the things I need to do, organising wise, would be, is to tidy up the two cupboards in my room, and if possible, remove a box or two. After that, I want to launder all the new clothes that I've bought and is waiting for me under my bed. So many things to do, and so little time. Knowing myself, I will probably throw away a bag or two of things when sorting things out. I have this habit of tossing things that I seem to no longer actively use, which might be something bad, because I end up tossing things with sentimental value. Of course, I usually forget about them the moment they head down the bin, but nevertheless... I wish I could keep more of it. If only I had enough space to allow things to collect dust in a corner, as they say.

Have this gut feeling that I will experience numerous problems if I were to have my own family. I dislike the never-ending nature of chores, and there is only so much I can tolerate before feeling as though I should be paid wages to do household chores. In a way, this has been a factor, and very possibly, a problem, that I have with guys. I constantly ask myself if a guy is worth my attention by posing to myself the question of his willingness to do household chores for me. Will he be willing to clear the laundry every other day? Will he clean half the house? Will he clean the windows and change the lights? If the guy seems unlikely to be agreeable, or has ever professed his dependence on his maid/mother, I squash all thoughts of taking things anything further. The immediate failures of my mental assessment are the guys who proudly admit that their room is a pig sty. Those who ask me to, jokingly of course, clean their room on their behalf, will never proceed beyond the distant friend category. I have no patience to date fully grown children who do not have the maturity to see the need to keep their environment clean and orderly. Am I judging them? You bet I am. 

Am I asking for too much? Maybe, but the pain that comes from returning home to huge piles of unwashed laundry and random articles all over the house while your spouse lazes on the couch watching television is beyond words. I might just go to the kitchen, grab a knife and threaten him with it. Very cell block tango? Perhaps, but irritation-induced manslaughter is something that I can relate to. It would be far better for all parties involved for me to look for the elusive modern day male who is man enough to do chores with me. 

Either that or I could stay single and live in my clean, happy and neat little world. No dead men, no frustrated me, and everyone lives happily ever after. And no, according to my consultation with a Psych major friend, I lack the drive to be afflicted with OCD. Thank goodness for normalcy.

Oh. And I think you owe me an apology. I am still waiting for it.

"Atrocious. Love is atrocious. / You were the very reason I breathe for, but now you’re suffocating me. / Love is so bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. / Love only gets worse as you dig deeper."

Trail

Playlist

Starships by Nicki Minaj

So I have been trying to exercise with a greater degree of consistency lately. Started running regularly in late May, and from once a week when I could squeeze time out, it is now something like 3km to 5km, twice to four times a week, with static exercises after or as a replacement when it rains etc.

So far, after about a month and a half, I have effectively shed about one proper kilogram of weight. From the horrific 59kg, bordering on 60kg when I have around 5 meals a day, I’m now about 57kg, usually 58kg after the water retention and 4 meals a day. Of course my weight fluctuates based on the amount of water I retain or lose, I'm sometimes plus minus a kilogram. I will admit that the numbers are nothing fabulous considering the lengthy time frame, but my clothes, especially my pants, are slightly looser around the thighs, and my top two abs are slightly more well defined than, well, a lump. I take the better fit of my clothes as a more positive sign, because I suppose the ultimate aim is to reduce fat and build more lean muscle. Besides, I am attempting to lose weight through the least... Unnatural way possible.

I know the running is working, because my metabolic rate has increased quite a bit. I cool down and warm up much faster than before, running is less tiring, and the jiggly feeling that I often get when running has almost all but disappeared. Indeed, running with slight static after is probably one of the slowest means of losing weight, but I think its better than forcing myself to swear off lava cake and ice cream immediately. Weights are troublesome because it takes time to calibrate and I have to go to the school gym. CCA is ridiculous, because my schedule has too many conflicts for it to be possible. Considering how most sports require a location and partners... Running is still the best option.
 

Sure, my knee is slightly more creaky than before, but what is a bit of discomfort, not pain mind you, when I’m getting lighter and happier? Technically I’m never supposed to run again but I need to shed the weight to make life easier for my knee because I cannot crash my diet successfully so… Yes a Catch 22 situation that I am feebly attempting to reduce by slight controls on my diet. There is no reason to self implement a system that I will relish breaking. The rebellious streak in me just loves breaking things apart, to the extent that strict diet controls will fail horribly, regardless of how hard I try to convince myself that it is ultimately beneficial. Rules and I don't make for good bedfellows.

I think prohibitive diets make me crave sweets even MORE. And I have a horrible sweet tooth. So I will ration my sweets consumption to when I feel depressed and/or suicidal/murderous, and just make healthier choices where possible. Knowing my personality, this is probably the best way about it.

Furthermore, the endorphin high that kicks in after the run makes me feel so good. I’m happy! For a change I’m happy!

Anyhow, I tried this figure hugging top in a shop today, and I can safely say that, other than a slight lower abdominal pouch which I am working to deflate, leaner thighs and arms… Generally I am slightly less displeased with my body. I would not ask for another body, but I would like to improve it. There are things I like, like how my nails grow and my eyelashes curl naturally. There are things I have come to accept, like how I've single eyelids and a generally flat Asian face. And then there are things I would like to change, such as my evident lack of substantial triceps and the heinous excessive fat agglomeration around my thighs.

People around me have not exactly been supportive of my exercise regime though. Gotten numerous comments about how I’m not fat, how its ‘too much’, how I’m ‘crazy’… Which is utterly depressing to say the least. I’m aiming for a healthier life and a leaner and stronger frame. Shouldn’t I be worried if I am carrying with me unnecessary fats that will impede my lifestyle? High blood pressure, diabetes, high blood cholesterol… All of these start from having an unhealthy lifestyle and fats play a large role in these illnesses. The icing on the cake? I’m predisposed to all these because I’ve relatives with these illnesses. Now tell me again that I’m doing ‘too much’. Hey, all I am doing is running and static. I am not starving myself. I am not clocking 10km everyday. I am not attempting marathons. I am not going under the knife. All I am doing is run and static. Maximum workout time is an hour, usually half and hour to forty five minutes!

Believe me, I am not aiming for zero fats. My brain would die and my body processes will fail. I’m aiming for something like 15% to 18%, sufficient to keep myself warm, my brain functioning and most importantly severely reduce my chances of getting the suite of ‘rich man’ illnesses that I am, most unfortunately, genetically vulnerable to.

Think of it this way: I don’t need people to run with me. Neither do I need people to gym with me. I will not force people to eat the things I do. You don’t need to participate in my lifestyle change; all I ask is that you support my decision to get moving and do SOMETHING about how I’m wasting my body away.

You see, I’m not forcing you to get off your fat ass and run. Neither am I going to ask you to strengthen your heart muscles and lungs. Yeah, you don’t drink so your liver should be fine. And you don’t smoke, so you probably won’t get lung cancer. But what about your heart, the blood vessels, your kidneys and all the other organs in your body? When one fails, all the rest tend to go at the same time. I want to maintain my standard of living, thank you very much. According to the fortune teller, I will, most unfortunately, live to around seventy years old and die from either heart or lung problems. If possible, I would rather not die slowly and/or painfully, so pardon me while I pursue the elusive ideal of health.
 

Therefore, stop telling me to be a lazy bum who cannot be bothered to cherish her body. I am doing so. In my own way.

Thank you.

"Why don't you understand how I feel? Why don't I understand how you feel?"

Tenacity

Playlist

I Love You by 2NE1

Leaving Singapore for Japan in about 2 months. More or less confirmed everything with my parents. Module mapping is still a mess because of school, and much of the administrative work is pending due to some reason or another. Administrative work is likely to require at least 3 months, easily stretching into my term in Japan. Which is not surprising because there is just so much of it, and most of it will need confirmation from the various government and organisational bodies. Most of it is unbearable tedious but I'm taking it as part of the process. If there is one thing I do not dislike, it is form filling, so I think I am in good stead?

Been a while since I blogged. Was previously very busy with studying for Japanese and trying to sort out my life, so I neglected here for a bit. My schedule for June was virtually like this: Wake up, work, run, dinner, shower, study Japanese and crash. Rinse and repeat. Sometimes, when my knee hurts and I arrange dinner with friends, it went something like this: Wake up, work, dinner with friends, shower, study Japanese and crash. Weekends were: Wake, run, breakfast, shower, study Japanese, lunch, nap, household chores, dinner, study Japanese, crash. Yes it was pretty much the life of an automaton. Barely any variations in my habits, superbly predictable timings, and I was just trudging along day by day. It was driving me crazy though. I like a wee bit of excitement and adventure in my life, and this type of regimented lifestyle is totally not for me. A week or two of this makes me feel as though a year has gone by with nothing to show for it. Once in a while is good, because it gives my body time to rest and adjust, but I'm the sort who believes that a bit of a shock now and then is always good for the system. Establishing better mental capabilities and all.

I never thought that I would say this, but I think I will come to miss wearing shorts and tank tops. Work has relegated my shorts and mini skirts to the dark dingy corner in my cupboard. My tanks are all lonely and waiting for me to pull them out during the weekend. And I am washing my work appropriate attire so many times that I fear they will soon discolour. Recycling the same few pieces over and over again. I think I will miss the warm-ish breeze we get in Singapore, but I look forward to moaning about how dreadfully cold it is in Japan in winter. Never been really cold before, and I think it is one of those things that everyone should experience. Its so sad to have never seen snow, and I have no intention to remain sad forever. Not eactly sure, but if the difficulty of classes in Japan are similar to that of Singapore, its bound to be difficult without any of my finance friends to rely on, but I guess its alright because its back to the old days of really studying on my own. Not impossible.

Also thinking of pursuing, if possible, an internship in Japan. Hopefully finance related because I really want to try out the finance side of things before I graduate. Before joining SMU, it never really occurred to me to intern and try out, but now that I'm three years in and one year to get out, I just feel like applying for an internship wherever to see if I am suited to the career. Reality and textbook scenarios are very different, and no matter how much you read or hear about something, nothing is as effective as experiencing it all first hand. Kinaesthetic memory.

Almost Olympic season! And there is nothing quite like watching the gymnasts. But with the pathetic amount of news and television exposure that I get every day, I have barely any idea of what is happening, who is qualifying and all. Distinctly different from the previous Olympics, where I was watching the qualifier rounds wee into the night due to the lousy timings of the broadcasts due to the free-to-air programming. Sad eh? The things that we so easily give up in order to cope with the other parts of our lives. Now why can't I seem to give up on the foods that I like so much but are so obviously bad for my weight?

No longer falling ill on a quarterly basis, and I'm beginning to understand how effective two days of a liquid diet is. Indeed, all I am doing is sleeping in bed and resting, but my basal metabolic rate burned away all the fats that were accumulating quite easily, and due to a reduced appetite from the starving, I need about a week to go back to prior consumption levels. Analysing it this way, its no wonder that I had no difficulty maintaining lithe. I was effective purging my system every two months! Not like I can go back to those days, because its ridiculous to force myself to fall ill in order to lose weight. Health is important, and I think I have resigned myself to the fact that I will need to run consistently for the rest of my life to enjoy a healthy body fat percentage. Gotta keep it up and ramp it up. Sure, my runs have significantly increased my basal metabolic rate, but with my dreadfully sedentary lifestyle, its unlikely that I will see a significant improvement anytime soon. Oh well.

July is almost at an end, and it will definitely end with a ton of events at my internship. Its the slight lull before the storm now, as one of the main events has just ended. Need to see how things go, but I will be looking for a part time job in August to supplement my lifestyle. I would probably die from boredom if I didn't do anything work related during the month? And now that I have stopped going for training, there really is not much that I can do if I do not work. There are only so many hours in a day that I can spend on course mapping! Research is fun, but after a while... I will admit that I need a break. Doing mindless physical tasks sounds like the break my heart needs to clear up.

"Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand... Just like the river twisting over the dusty land..."

Pathetic

Playlist

Monster by Big Bang

I think this might easily become the song of the year. Without lyrics and its sad enough to make me feel sad. Chorus is insanely catchy. The music video is more of a movie than a music video. Its one of the songs that makes me feel that music, with its heartfelt emotions and brutal honesty, is something that transcends all geographical and linguistic boundaries. I would recommend anyone who ever felt that Korean music was 'for kids' to watch the music video. As a famous YouTube personality so aptly described Big Bang, they are the most creative and gay, and yet non-gay, hip hop group around. Straight men sporting eyeliner, red eyeshadow, funky hair and exuding truckloads of testosterone is not a common occurrence.

Ex-schoolmate got married on Sunday. A friend has applied for a HDB flat under the Fiancée scheme. I am still single, have never even really dated any guy and cannot even fathom being in a steady relationship with anyone, much less get married. Most of the people around me are in stable, relatively happy relationships, with the possible exception of one or two people here and there, and with my parents constantly bugging me to bring home a guy... It would be lie if I said I do not feel any stress. The silly thing is that it is all external in nature. People always tell you to just 'ignore the noise' and to 'take things at your own pace', but let us not kid each other. External forces are plenty strong. You would probably be socially inept if you could block all external sources of stress. The thought of wanting to be attached had never crossed your mind? At all? Not when you walk home at night in the dark, all alone? Not when all your good friends turn you down for a dinner because they have something arranged with their significant others? Not when your peers are walking down the aisle and you realise, slightly belatedly, that you are single and very much available? Think about it a little.

Growing up sure is tough. I seem to have left myself in the past, because I always hesitate a little before saying my age. There is no way I feel like I am twenty two, because my instinct is to say a number that is in the tens. Ok, maybe the only part that I feel that I'm legally an adult is when I have think of my impending graduation and all the money I owe the bank. The weight of school loans is enough to make me feel, albeit monetarily, like an adult. But the thought passes and everything is uncertain and flighty again. Playing the games I used to pursue. Trying to turn back the clock to regain the halcyon days of ignorance and adventure. The line between illusion and reality bleed into each other, and no one is able to point me in a direction that will take me forward. So yes, I am stumbling along and hoping, very desperately praying, that the decisions I make in my current haze do not impede the path I wish to pursue when I'm out of the fog. After all, as I've previously mentioned, the scary thing about not knowing what you want is not knowing if the decisions you make now will one day be an obstacle to you when you know what you want. Abstract concepts for toilet pondering.

Supposed to be studying for JLPT and absolutely without progress on my own. I think I have more discipline when it comes to exercise than studies. I will run four times a week because I want a nicer body, but I refuse to put in the time to study properly to pass the exam. I think it might be because I am tired of staring at work in the office? Running out of stamina, and I know I will really beat myself up if I fail the exam. I really want to pass the exam so that I can proceed with the course. No longer certain about my motivations for studying Japanese because I barely have any interaction with the language. And somehow, the trip to Japan last year just cemented my sense of inferiority in the language. The main driving force is the trip to Japan and until that is confirmed, I think it is highly unlikely that I will plow in the hours to really hit the books. It is not something that can be settled with last minute crash mugging and most unfortunately, knowing this and KNOWING this is two very separate concepts. If I fail this exam, I think I will never continue with lessons. Sad truth is that while I have an interest in the language, it is barely sustainable. My returns on investment seems to have peaked with the trip? I am such a horrid student.

Heading to bed because I need to go to school tomorrow. Submission of a scholarship application form for scholarships that I know full well are inaccessible to me. My fault for being a poor student. Just another one of my pathetic attempts to be less pathetic. Futile struggles against the tide and prolonging my suffering. And I have yet to tell my father about my trip! Might just give it up once more if I cannot locate a decent winter jacket. I need someone to really psyche me up for the trip. Not sure who is capable of this but I sure as hell know its not me. How I have fallen...

"Still far apart, with love still divided... Please remember the me that stood next to you... Please don’t ever forget me..."

Bones

Playlist

Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson

The benefits of listening to the radio for the entire workday: You know when there is a new English song. And it tries to fill in the awkward silence that arrives when the boss enters the room, where everyone is dreading the moment where she addresses you. Things are far more peaceful when she is not around, but I guess its no good when your boss is constantly absent.

I think I am not getting enough sleep. My face is sort of showing it, with more pimples and no longer nice and smooth. Either that or the facial lady overdid something and my poor face is reacting to the abuse. One of the things I hate about facials is that you never really know if the therapist actually knows what the hell she is doing. Many would tell me that I should not scrimp on my face, but I really do not see a need to pay hundreds of dollars for each treatment. Yes my face is worth a lot, but paying more does not guarantee better service? Especially in a service industry which offers personalised treatments... My complexion changes depending on my lifestyle and hormones. Are you telling me that going to see the therapist once a month is going to give me good skin for a while? I don't need decent skin; I can achieve that on my own. I want good skin. The kind where foundation is barely necessary. That is what I want. Contact me if you think you can deliver that consistently, because with my current facial place, if I pay greater attention to my skin, it barely makes a difference.

Not too happy with my grades. It has increased, but by the pathetic and relatively insignificant 0.05. I know that I am not putting in sufficient effort to memorise, and I cannot really fault anyone but myself, but still... A very annoying feeling. Was hoping to graduate with a Merit Award at least, but seems like all I can get will be a pathetic Pass. Yes I am not as academically brilliant as I once was, partially because of my lack of love for what I am doing. Not like love will make a big difference to my grades at this point in time. All I can hope is that I do not screw things up so badly that my GPA plummets. 4 Cs in university. I am such a horrible student. In the most ridiculous subjects, and mostly picked up in one semester too. Believe me, I am as incredulous as you are. How the once mighty have fallen. Where A grades agglomerated like flies around a rotting corpse, I am now struggling to fish out As from my dying brain.

Trying to study for the Japanese exam that is next week and failing to do so quite horribly. Nothing, and I mean, NOTHING, is going into my memory. Not enough practice and exposure, both areas that are pretty difficult to tackle at this point in time. I tried having a Japanese penpal, but my schedule is evidently not particularly conducive to letter writing. I need something like an hour of uninterrupted time to wring all the Japanese sentence structures that I know out of of my head. Time that is not easily attained with my long, and very strange, work hours and dire need for 8 hours every night. Weekends are spent doing laundry and chores and trying to reclaim a semblance of a life. Exercise is squished into every available time slot. Food is wolfed down, baths hurried affairs. I have not had the time to read a proper chapter of manga since work began. Yes things are this bad. I really wonder at how people who live far from work survive. As I am, I am barely scraping by, and I don't even have any form of nightlife!

I apologise for the post, it seems like I have given in to complaining. Again. And here I keep telling myself to be less of a whiny little brat and to think things through properly before writing it all out. Sigh, I shall resign myself to the fact that I am a lazy ass choosing the easy way out. Well, hopefully I will have something more interesting to post come after Saturday?  Going out with someone that I thought I would never go out with, so I think there will be quite a few things to reflect on. So yes, I expect the next post here to be on Sunday at the very earliest. I'll update the other side soon, probably sometime on Thursday or Friday, depending on how much time I have on hand. Its good to be blogging again, because I am sick and tired of reading the blogs of others. Strange right? call me an egoistic bitch, but I prefer looking at a wall of text. Better than a battalion of pictures of pouty mouthed, overexposed over-saturated faces anyway. Are people such curious idiots? I really wonder anyone would regularly read those blogs... I get bored after the third camwhore photo and cannot wait to get out of the site. Deathly boring.

I need sleep as I have to be on time for work tomorrow. Eek! Good night!

"Stuck in reverse..."

Scrub

Playlist

Starships by Nicki Minaj

I will be the first to say that I am not a huge fan of Nicki Minaj, and that I found the MV hilariously ridiculous, but I will admit that I think this song is crazy inspiring and addictive. I think she is a fan of jeremy Scott, and I think she is insane for putting everything Jeremy Scott together in one singular outfit. One statement piece is enough but well, she is a celebrity and her job is to make people stare at her stunned, which is something she accomplishes with zero difficulty.

In a pretty good mood because I just cleaned most of my house. Scrubbed the bathroom until everything was gleaming and was happy to see it all sparkly clean. Yes, cleanliness is next to godliness, and to someone like me who does not subscribe to a religion, cleanliness is my mad love. Of course I am not always insane about scrubbing and cleaning. I do not have obsessive compulsive disorder; I am just a little bit more of a neat freak than most people my age. Its mainly just when the mood hits, when I want to remove every speck of dust I can see and make sure that everything around me is all pretty and gleaming. Generally, I cannot work in a messy place, so I tend to accumulate things and dirt to my limit before getting down to business. I'm the kind of person who will do the laundry when its a hot day, do ironing if its a cool day, and everything else whenever I have spare time. Due to the nature of my job, it has become such that I can only do the cleaning on weekends. The timing on weekdays is far too peculiar to be conducive for household chores.

Maybe because I've spent most of my life without a helper, and I've gotten used to the fact that chores are usually split 4 ways, that I wonder how I will ever have my own family. In my family, most of us do our own dishes, unless its a full meal where my mum and I do the cleaning up. Laundry is usually done by myself or my mother, unless its an item that needs handwashing, which is then done by whomever that item belongs to. Plants watered, heavy lifting, electrical maintenance, paintwork and repairs are done by my dad. Once a week we do a generic house cleaning, with the house divided into 4 and each with their own segment to clean. In a way, while our household is still very much like the traditional Asian family where the women do most of the work, at least the guys play a role? I can barely think of anyone with a dad who vacuums and wipes the floor every week.

I think I am capable of living alone quite well. Spent almost a month, in the States and Taiwan combined, and spent 6 weeks in Japan on my own. Did my laundry, cleaned my room and all. Since I will probably now spend 6 months on exchange, my main concerns are whether there is a vacuum cleaner in the hostel and the name of the Japanese equivalent for Jif. I hope that someone comes in once every couple of weeks to clean the toilets, because it is going to be insanely difficult to find toilet brushes and water sweepers in a foreign country. If the floor is carpeted, I'll probably need to think of a way to find a vacuum cleaner. Kind of hoping that the floor is not, so I can at least wipe it clean. Otherwise, if the hostel is old, I think I will do my best to never touch the floor with any clean item. I'll also need a kettle, I wonder if there will be a hot water flask, and I am sorely tempted to bring my hair dryer along.

Was just informed of my failure to attain the JASSO scholarship. Which means I have to try harder for the scholarship offered by my school. Very unlikely to get it as my family is not poor and I am not a Dean's lister. As I have mentioned previously, one of the most painful things about my life is that I'm average and mediocre. I fall through the cracks, because I am not poor enough to get charity money, and I am not smart enough to get scholarships. I am not rich enough to afford the things I want, and I am not stupid enough to be turned down. Stuck in limbo. I need a business angel right about now. Will settle for a sugar daddy or mummy either. I feel horrid asking my parents to pay for my education overseas, but I want it badly enough to apply after rejecting it the first year. What does that say about me I wonder? I do not want to spend ten thousand dollars in a foreign land for a sham of a exchange. I know the classes will be alright, and I know I will do work and be a good girl. But I wonder about the true motivation behind my trip. Something drives me and I wonder if it is just a whim, because this is something that I have wanted to do since I was seventeen. Whims are passing fancies. 5 years, on most counts, are not passing fancies.

Work is taking up a lot of time, but I am slowly getting hold of my schedule. Going for runs now and then, movies with friends here and there, dinner and the odd lunch date with people I want to keep in contact with. After a while, there is a trend and I suppose I am coping relatively well? Most of my work related angst goes to my other blog so I shall keep this area as neutral as possible. Quite a good avenue to put everything down and helps maintain sanity. In many ways, I wonder what I will be like after 10 more weeks. It has only been 3 weeks and I have begun to notice slight differences in the way I do things. Journey of self discovery... Where will I go from here?

"夜が来た 目覚ましな..."

Biology

Playlist

Girls Gone Wild by Madonna

I usually try not to blog when I feel that my objectivity is compromised by more than 50%. I mean, while I am entitled to my own opinion, I believe in the sanctity of freedom of speech and I try not to abuse this privilege. Some may feel that freedom of speech is a basic human right but I beg to differ. An argument for another day, because I want to get to the heart of what I am trying to say.

This is a topic that I am definitely biased in, and I am talking about PMS. Or whatever variation of it that afflicts most of the female humans on this planet. No two person will have the exact same experience, although I am told that many females are far grouchier in the days leading up to menstruation, and during their period itself. Now considering that most normal females will have a 28 day cycle, a few really unfortunate individuals will seem to be in a bad mood for something like 12 days out of the 31 days of the average month.

I will not insist that there are no mood changes for females, I mean, I've noticed it among friends. What I am saying, is that people, especially males who never have to go through this biological process, ought to be more understanding. So what if your mother/wife/girlfriend/friend is a little moody? You either associate or disassociate. If their non-moody personality is not enough to counter their moody self, then find someone else. Don't proudly proclaim on the bloody train that "all females are stupid and emotional" because of PMS, and that you "will never understand why must they be so angry". We know its a really annoying biological function that impedes our daily lives, we don't need the constant sarcasm and numerous reminders from you!

Think of it this way, for something like a week, which is 7 days, and approximately 168 hours, we are discharging old blood. It is a non-stop process. All the time. While you are asleep. Awake. Reading a book. Watching TV. Walking to the bus stop. And it is not always a painless process as there is constriction and cramps and water retention and this general feeling of being supremely bloated... The list never ends. There is also a general spike in body temperatures. Put all these together, and you get a bunch of people who are not only in discomfort, they feel downright horrible. Of course, some lucky people will never get a cramp as long as they live, but those individuals are as common as people who are skinny naturally, which is not common at ALL. 

And then your hormones are in a mess as your body is transitioning from fertile to infertile and then back to fertile. Think of it as spring cleaning that takes a week and is done every month. How often do you spring clean? In fact, when was the last time the average young adult cleaned their room, much less the entire house? How much effort does that take? Well, menstruation is the biological equivalent. And you wonder why girls are grouchy. Wouldn't you be as well? As I mentioned, this is something that I am biased about, but I sincerely doubt that you can find anyone who is completely neutral about it. Not that I am bothered enough by my lack of objectivity in this subject to seek a second opinion.

And tomorrow will officially be my second week at work. Not sure what my boss thinks of me, but I hope its something positive. I have yet to screw up, and I hope I never do. A little behind time on one aspect, but its alright, because I intend to pace myself. Being too awesome will probably make her have higher expectations of me and all that. That does not mean I will try to mess things up, but I will not be giving 100% anytime soon. How should I say this? Perhaps I do not see myself staying in the company, but the main reason is that I do not see a long term benefit if I'm hugely efficient and amazing from the get-go. There are some areas where I still have much time to learn, and it would not help if my boss was to raise the bar unnecessarily. How selfish I am right?

Almost a non-existent social life so I do not have much to add. Unlikely that I will have the opportunity to meet anyone new to socialise with anytime soon. Sometimes I wonder if I really am a young adult. I seem to live like some old lady at times. I wake up, shower and clean up, have breakfast, change and go to work. Lunch, more work, before I end at 7pm. After that its either Japanese study session with Athen, gym/run or a stay at home and rest day. Weekends are spent lazing, packing the house, and running errands. Boring and relaxing and a wee bit creepy how at the grand old age of 22, I am living like this. Which might be why I often feel there is no space in my life for someone special. Oh wells.

I shall head to bed after watching Glee!

"Like a dream come alive, incredible..."

Spinning

Playlist

Payphone by Maroon 5

Near the end of the week and I am not too tired? The inertia from Monday has passed and I'm rather indifferent to the work I have to do. Single and lacking friends means I have more free time than expected. Was a wee bit upset about my friend-less status a while back but I guess it happens. More time to listen to music, to read and exercise. I spend more time with my parents than with anyone else on this planet. Premature ageing, but at least this means I get to spend quality time with my parents. Its nice to hang out with people who are definitely on the same wavelength as you for a change. Expectations are always met, because I have been with them for the past 20 odd years... If anyone is disappointed I guess it would be them. I'm sorry Daddy and Mummy! But even so, all the years have made it a secure relationship that is all nice and comfortable. None tumultuous. Something I need emotionally. 

Rediscovered Madonna. I am in absolute disbelief at what I have been missing out. She is really insanely talented. Her music is so infectious that I found myself singing along in the office. Class 98FM plays Girl Gone Wild often enough that it feels like my personal playlist. Yes, that is the station that my office is tuned into every day, and while the songs are not the latest hits, I guess its unobtrusive enough for us to make calls. Besides, there have been feedback that the background music is nice. Not sure if that is a compliment, because that kind of means that they can hear what we are listening to... Oh well this is barely of my concern. So yes, Madonna. Not all her songs, but a good number are stuff that I wish I had listened to earlier. Interestingly, I think I like the songs that were not covered by Glee? Somehow, sometimes having a choir sing it makes it sound better. Maybe its because you pick the person to fit the song, rather than trying to make yourself fit your song. Do I make sense to you? I think my explanation is relatively pathetic...

Not sure why, but I've started taking an interest in the major fashion houses. By major, I mean fashion houses that have a haute couture show. You cannot get far more major than haute couture, because the clothes are sold in a few hundred thousand dollars, and each is tailored to fit you and come with lifetime guarantees or something. The only thing about haute couture is that you can never wear a dress twice. Not sure how rich people live, but I cannot think about not wearing an article of clothing twice. And my clothes all cost less than $150, tops. One of the main areas that I am looking at are the Asian models that are internationally recognised (feature in haute couture!). Some of them are just breathtakingly gorgeous. Other than one or two, I would not say they are pretty, but they have this quality about them that makes them so beautiful. Charisma? I wonder. I think its harder for Asian models to make it internationally, which might be why the Asian models stand out. Oh well, I shall continue my research into these decadent uncharted seas.

I wish work started earlier, but there is not much that I can do about my reporting time. Quite a waste of my morning, and it makes activities at night rather hard to do. Such an annoying situation and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it. Well, I should be doing something to rectify the situation, or at the very least, to improve what I have to accept instead of being a whiny little girl. Will seek an arrangement that is more beneficial.

Not sure of what to blog about... for now. Do I talk about someone who is giving off mixed signals? Do I talk about how depressed I am to realise that the pay for PR people is so deplorable and similar to cheap labour? I need to find an industry that will give me a higher take home pay. Yeah, reading magazines is fun, but fun rarely gives anyone a secure and substantial income. I can toss fun if it means I get to continue enjoying hot water for the rest of my life. Not sure who, or where I got it from, but I have this relatively pragmatic streak in me that will soon evolve into a part of my personality. I need to eat. I like my conveniences. I enjoy being able to spend money on the people I love. Sure, there are ethical and moral considerations. But yeah, they are considerations. Unless I get something more substantial, this is very likely to be the last pure PR job I will do. Not worth my time.

"Good girls don't misbehave, misbehave... But I'm a bad girl anyway..."

List

Playlist

Love You Like A Love Song by Glee

Was asked a question on FormSpring that I found interesting, but didn't want to answer there. It went like this, "What are 5 thing about you that most people don't know?". A wee bit too private for FormSpring, because I'm pretty open about loads of stuff? To the extent that if most people don't know about it, its probably super random or super embarrassing. Keep in mind that I'm from an Asian culture where oversharing is deemed inappropriate most of the time. Anyhow, felt it might be a nice change to the feel of my blog and decided to post!

In no particular order:

1) Hot water baths. I need them to survive. Yes I use to be from an organisation that had me camping out and surviving on cold water for weeks, but that was something like 7 years ago. Nowadays, I cannot live with no hot water. Its a horrible weakness and people are bound to comment about how diva-esque I am but I don't care. I sleep without air-conditioning. I sometimes sleep without the fan even. I usually only shower once a day, unless I'm stinky or sticky. So let me enjoy my wasteful hot water. We all need some creature comfort to remind us of our careful masks of civilisation or veneers of civility. Hot water makes me happy. It makes me feel clean and comfortable. I will probably never willingly go to a place without hot water. I dare you to bring out the pitchforks and judge away.

2) Smells. I've very strong opinions on scents. I adore the scent of Chinese ink! Ink for painting and/or writing? Fantabulous! And certain books, especially library books smell awesome. Fresh food always smells fabulous. Apples too! I like the smell of the sea, and of the air as rain and thunderclouds gather, especially in the night. Clean soil smells good too, but only natural soil and not those that have been pumped full of fertilizer or are processed with something. I utterly abhor the smell of lavender. It is supposed to be a relaxing smell but it just reminds me of something icky and almost spoilt. No idea why but it makes me want to run away. Far far away. Musky male colognes make me want to hurl. No guy who uses a musky cologne will ever get within arms length of me. Repulsive.

3) This is way oversharing, but heck. Strangely enough, I always suffer from ingrown hair. I get them on my arms, my thighs, my calves, my chest... my tummy even! Which is why I don't shave nor wax. I can't to be exact, because it makes things really horrible. I need to exfoliate constantly and all... body maintenance has to be done minimally. Yeah, I manage to get by sheer luck that most of my body hair is superbly thin and not very obvious. But it still happens... Ok this is getting strangely awkward, shall not continue. Moral of the story: I use 3 different types of wash, of which one is an exfoliator. The end.

4) All the guys who have ever confessed to me, and were all subsequently rejected, said they liked me because I was someone "who is reliable and understands my problems". Mistaking me for a surrogate mother/sister or counsellor, is immediate ground for rejection. The fact that they only knew at most half, of my entire lifestyle, was the second reason. All of these people come with really complex backgrounds that I have no mood to go into excruciating detail so... This is about all I will say. What kind of luck do I have to attract those who need Aunt Agony? Grrrrr.

5) I sleep with 2 pillows, a bolster, and a bear. Pooh bear to be exact. Many people have told me that its really childish, not that I really care, but about the soft toy? Its from someone special! Very very special! Its from my 19 year old self, and a birthday present to celebrate graduation from compulsory education. I walked past and fell in love with something that reminded me of the parts of me that I was abandoning to fit in with school and society. So the parts that couldn't stay went into my Pooh. Sad? Pathetic? Stupid? All, and none of the above. 

And there is my list of 5 things that I believe most people do not know about me! More tiring to type than expected, if only because I was trying to think about things that people would like to know that they don't already. I mean who wants to know that my feet are too wide to fit into shoes that are supposed to be my size because of the silly narrow cut? Or about the fact that my hair ties are constantly disappearing on me? Sound more like complaints than anything else. Unless you want to know about my very complex relationship with my office computer that is a Pentium 4 dinosaur that happily alternate between freezing and disconnecting from the internet every few minutes. Goodness...

"Its been said and done, every beautiful thought has been already sung..."

いばら

Playlist

Its Not Right But Its Ok by Glee

Internship starts tomorrow. Sort of decided on what to wear, but my head is in a bit of a mess. I have no idea of what to expect of my job, and the job description is not the most helpful piece of paper around. As I've said, my head is kind of in a mess. The good thing about it all is that work starts at 10am, so I have some time to wake up properly before heading down to work. Not sure if the late start time is a good or bad thing? I foresee myself saying that its ok not to go to bed early because I can wake up later than most, which sort of defeats the purpose of having a late start time. One drawback is that work ends late too, which makes it very difficult for me to have dinner at a normal-ish hour. Unless I eat near work or late, its hard to have dinner with others. Kind of sad as I like having meals with people I like.

Was talking to a friend about my worries and while there was this part of me that knew what she said was true, the fear does not disappear. Discussed stuff like work, a sense of belonging and social pressures... Depressing things that stalk you in the night. Anyway, while I was talking to her, I felt all reinvigorated, but the very moment the conversation lulled, I was almost reduced back to my lump of useless worrying. Your rational self loses all control when confronted with irrational fears, and nothing you say to yourself seems to help. Scary scary feeling. Not like I can force her to talk to me non stop just for my selfish reasons. I guess I really ought to reinforce my mental fortress. 

Went for the L'arc~en~Ciel concert on Saturday. I would have had a really horrible time if I had been all vain and stupid to put on make-up and contacts because I cried four times in the two and a half hours concert. And by cry, I mean cry, not the sniffling-and-teary type, but the bawling-heart-out type. I might have cried out my contacts and had eyeliner running down my face as I cried from disbelief, joy, sadness and all the other hundred and one confused emotions whirling inside. Yeah, I really felt like the spin cycle of an industrial washing machine choked full with emotions. Heart wrenching pain as I might never get to attend another concert of theirs. Joy at being able to hear them live after all these years of wanting to attend a concert. And all the other very complex feelings that will make me sound utterly convoluted if I were to type it all out because everything is all tangled up in my heart and head. The main thing is that the concert was fantastic. I will never ever forget the opening strains of いばらの涙 for the rest of my life. The lame ass joke of pink Merlions for testu by ken. My only grouse is that SISTIC screwed me over, which is why I was not seated at the first sector, aka, the banana range. Shall not continue thinking about such depressing things, it might ruin my happy memory of the concert.

OH. And I think I spent something like five hundred dollars on merchandise and tickets. Half to the the ticket price and the rest to the poster, shirt, CD and bag that I purchased. Was only intending to get the CD and the bag but the post concert high made me part with money at the booth. Horrible lack of self discipline, but I have no regrets. The poster is gorgeous, the bag is pretty cute, the shirt will be for my Pooh to wear when I feel depressed, and the CD is now in my iTunes playlist. Yes, happiness can be derived from money, in particular, purchasing power. So now everyone who reads my blog knows what happened to most of my income from my part time job... And one more thing off my bucket list! Yippee!

Going to head to bed, after all, I do need to work tomorrow. Argh.

"燃え行く体は灰になって奪われても　穢れてなかったなら　その時はあなたが連れて行って　そしてそっと抱いて"