Futility

Playlist

奈落 by The GazettE

I have no idea why this is making me angry but it is. I know I made things clear, much to the chagrin of my friends with respect to how I did it. (Oh come on, you've known me for so long you should know full well how I operate.) I guess this is just me. I never thought I would be one of those straight laced people who needs every thing in nice little cubby-holed categories. Well, it seems like I am. Within the boundaries of each category, I give plenty of wriggle room? You can do whatever you want as long as you don't ride over to the other category. Its NOT ok to go into the other category. Anything else but that is fine. That category is reserved for the special people who have managed to get there. Its like how I let my best friend get away with making me wait for 3 hours without a valid reason. Anyone else would get punched in the gut. Or I'd just go home and you can forget about ever seeing me again. For her? Well, we're still best friends. I think I sort of threw a tantrum. But otherwise I'm okay? Unless you're my best friend, please don't expect to get the same treatment.

ARGH. So yes I am ANGRY. The only reason why this is on my blog instead of me flying over to sucker punch people is because I don't want to make a mess of things. The very fact that I'm even reacting enough to have a blog post about this just goes to show how absolutely affected I am. Its not what was said. It is when it was said. And how it was said. It could have just ended prematurely. YOU ARE IN THE FREAKING WRONG CATEGORY. Get in line to apply to be a Fishy and we'll see how things go. You don't get to the Fishy stage, you don't get the right to say what you will about me to anyone and everyone!

This is a bad bad BAD way of using my blog. Its not suppose to be a public arena where I air my grievances about the annoying little people who make my day bad and smear my reputation across the floor of the sewage and plumbing with the crazy stupid little rumours and innuendos that they have nothing better to do but say. I have more pressing things to do. I have cannons to spray paint. I have 600 beads to sew. I have tests to study for. I have reports to write. I have paperwork that needs to be filed. I have clothes to iron. I have my room to pack. I have SO MANY THINGS TO DO. I do not want to be thinking of nonsensical pranks as well!

Or is that your aim? To somehow make me think about all this even after everything that was said? If its true, I have three words. Exercise in futility. We all know that nothing can come to pass. Not that I'm being negative or positive or 'not giving people a chance'. Just think of it rationally. Its not that I'm against anything, but honestly? If it was for real I would deal with it differently. But if its all a game? I'm not playing. Let's make this clear once and for all.

"My greatest weakness is my greatest strength"

College

Playlist

Follow Me by BIGBANG

This is something I stumbled upon on Facebook. I know most people don't bother to click on links, but I make it a point to do so if it seems interesting and a) not a photo b) not another lame video c) atypical.

This is an excerpt from the MIT Admissions blog. Quite meaningful. Do read! Its the 50 things you should take note in college. Some are not that relevant, but I think most makes sense. Enjoy~

Here goes...

1. Your friends will change a lot over the next four years. Let them.
2. Call someone you love back home a few times a week, even if just for a few minutes.
3. In college more than ever before, songs will attach themselves to memories. Every month or two, make a mix cd, mp3 folder, whatever - just make sure you keep copies of these songs. Ten years out, they'll be as effective as a journal in taking you back to your favorite moments.
4. Take naps in the middle of the afternoon with reckless abandon.
5. Adjust your schedule around when you are most productive and creative. If you're nocturnal and do your best work late at night, embrace that. It may be the only time in your life when you can.
6. If you write your best papers the night before they are due, don't let people tell you that you "should be more organized" or that you "should plan better." Different things work for different people. Personally, I worked best under pressure - so I always procrastinated... and always kicked ass (which annoyed my friends to no end). ;-) Use the freedom that comes with not having grades first semester to experiment and see what works best for you.
7. At least a few times in your college career, do something fun and irresponsible when you should be studying. The night before my freshman year psych final, my roommate somehow scored front row seats to the Indigo Girls at a venue 2 hours away. I didn't do so well on the final, but I haven't thought about psych since 1993. I've thought about the experience of going to that show (with the guy who is now my son's godfather) at least once a month ever since.
8. Become friends with your favorite professors. Recognize that they can learn from you too - in fact, that's part of the reason they chose to be professors.
9. Carve out an hour every single day to be alone. (Sleeping doesn't count.)
10. Go on dates. Don't feel like every date has to turn into a relationship.
11. Don't date someone your roommate has been in a relationship with.
12. When your friends' parents visit, include them. You'll get free food, etc., and you'll help them to feel like they're cool, hangin' with the hip college kids.
13. In the first month of college, send a hand-written letter to someone who made college possible for you and describe your adventures thus far. It will mean a lot to him/her now, and it will mean a lot to you in ten years when he/she shows it to you.
14. Embrace the differences between you and your classmates. Always be asking yourself, "what can I learn from this person?" More of your education will come from this than from any classroom.
15. All-nighters are entirely overrated.
16. For those of you who have come to college in a long-distance relationship with someone from high school: despite what many will tell you, it can work. The key is to not let your relationship interfere with your college experience. If you don't want to date anyone else, that's totally fine! What's not fine, however, is missing out on a lot of defining experiences because you're on the phone with your boyfriend/girlfriend for three hours every day.
17. Working things out between friends is best done in person, not over email. (IM does not count as "in person.") Often someone's facial expressions will tell you more than his/her words.
18. Take risks.
19. Don't be afraid of (or excited by) the co-ed bathrooms. The thrill is over in about 2 seconds.
20. Wednesday is the middle of the week; therefore on wednesday night the week is more than half over. You should celebrate accordingly. (It makes thursday and friday a lot more fun.)
21. Welcome failure into your lives. It's how we grow. What matters is not that you failed, but that you recovered.
22. Take some classes that have nothing to do with your major(s), purely for the fun of it.
23. It's important to think about the future, but it's more important to be present in the now. You won't get the most out of college if you think of it as a stepping stone.
24. When you're living on a college campus with 400 things going on every second of every day, watching TV is pretty much a waste of your time and a waste of your parents' money. If you're going to watch, watch with friends so at least you can call it a "valuable social experience."
25. Don't be afraid to fall in love. When it happens, don't take it for granted. Celebrate it, but don't let it define your college experience.
26. Much of the time you once had for pleasure reading is going to disappear. Keep a list of the books you would have read had you had the time, so that you can start reading them when you graduate.
27. Things that seem like the end of the world really do become funny with a little time and distance. Knowing this, forget the embarrassment and skip to the good part.
29. No matter what your political or religious beliefs, be open-minded. You're going to be challenged over the next four years in ways you can't imagine, across all fronts. You can't learn if you're closed off.
30. If you need to get a job, find something that you actually enjoy. Just because it's work doesn't mean it has to suck.
31. Don't always lead. It's good to follow sometimes.
32. Take a lot of pictures. One of my major regrets in life is that I didn't take more pictures in college. My excuse was the cost of film and processing. Digital cameras are cheap and you have plenty of hard drive space, so you have no excuse.
33. Your health and safety are more important than anything.
34. Ask for help. Often.
35. Half of you will be in the bottom half of your class at any given moment. Way more than half of you will be in the bottom half of your class at some point in the next four years. Get used to it.
36. In ten years very few of you will look as good as you do right now, so secretly revel in how hot you are before it's too late.
37. In the long run, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as what you do with the opportunities you're given there. The MIT name on your resume won't mean much if that's the only thing on your resume. As a student here, you will have access to a variety of unique opportunities that no one else will ever have - don't waste them.
38. On the flip side, don't try to do everything. Balance = well-being.
39. Make perspective a priority. If you're too close to something to have good perspective, rely on your friends to help you.
40. Eat badly sometimes. It's the last time in your life when you can do this without feeling guilty about it.
41. Make a complete ass of yourself at least once, preferably more. It builds character.
42. Wash your sheets more than once a year. Trust me on this one.
43. If you are in a relationship and none of your friends want to hang out with you and your significant other, pay attention. They usually know better than you do.
44. Don't be afraid of the weird pizza topping combinations that your new friend from across the country loves. Some of the truly awful ones actually taste pretty good. Expand your horizons.
45. Explore the campus thoroughly. Don't get caught.
46. Life is too short to stick with a course of study that you're no longer excited about. Switch, even if it complicates things.
47. Tattoos are permanent. Be very certain.
48. Don't make fun of prefrosh. That was you like 2 hours ago.
49. Enjoy every second of the next four years. It is impossible to describe how quickly they pass.
50. This is the only time in your lives when your only real responsibility is to learn. Try to remember how lucky you are every day.

Be yourself. Create. Inspire, and be inspired. Grow. Laugh. Learn. Love. 

Welcome to some of the best years of your lives.

"Some things need to be said over and over again at the risk of sounding like a broken tape recorder. Its just meant to be that way."

Throat

Playlist

Vivid Place by Deluhi

This is a weird time for my blog to be updated, and if you noticed, good for you. No I am not in class, rather I am at home! Not that class was cancelled or that it ended early, but yours truly is SICK. Flu, slight fever and sore throat. I'm going to be a meanie and say this: JX if you are reading this I think you are partially responsible. The other part is one annoying half-recovered bugger with a 4.1 GPA sitting next to me during FT who was having a great time making fun of my resume and kept trying to get my attention simply because he was bored. 3 hours of non-stop nonsense. I should have swapped places with the person on my left. And yes, I fall ill very easily. I will go to NTUC Medicare at least once a term. Not that I'm proud of maximising my school insurance policy, but more of I spend too much energy living life. My resistance is weak when I lack sleep. Its Week6. Who in the WORLD has enough sleep? Except the few smarties here and there. Anyway, I went to school for BP and was super obviously falling asleep, HW can i borrow your notes please?, prepared for MC and went for the presentation before I bailed and went home. Don't want to infect my entire class, its going to be Week7. Crucial period~ (Oh yeah, thanks Al for my ez-link card! *muacks*)

Tone is kinda different because I'm typing this as I wait for the medication to kick in and send me to LaLaland. Hard to sleep with a blocked nose and sore throat. Breathing is tough I guess? But as I'm weak and my throat is on fire and my nose is running like mad... I shall wait until I feel slightly more comfortable before I sleep. I will probably wake at 9pm plus to eat a bit of food, take another round of medication and go back to making friends with my bolster and blanket. Skipping cheer and school because I think I'm a biological hazard. See? I am being nice and considerate!

Its been a hectic week. First half was busy with MPW case presentation and the odd MC rehearsals. After that was MC all the way~ Now that MC is over? Should be using the weekend to study Ethics and some BP. Mid terms coming up, I need to prepare. I'm sort of nervous about the video interview and dine out on Tuesday and Wednesday, but I doubt I would mess it up badly. I'm just wishing that I don't say or do something stupid. I need to improve my GPA. I want to get to Waseda. And to do that I need to keep my GPA above 3.2. Ideally it would be 3.5, but I am not moaning as yet? My fault that I am not doing well because I have not been putting too much effort into certain classes. Sigh. Oh yeah! Can someone remind me to ask my FT prof about dress code for scholarship interviews? Thank you! I always seem to forget to ask her.

I should be churning out my birthday wishlist soon. I know, I know, I'm this crazy girl for creating birthday wishlists. The thing is, I love my birthday. And more than anything, I like presents. You can say that I am thick-skinned or whatever, but I don't like presents that I cannot use. Please don't give me useless things either. Decorative things are risky with me, because you never know when I will smile and thank you for the present only to have it chucked in this distant corner to be a paper weight. Or better yet, I don't even remember you giving me anything! I wish everyone would be as considerate as me and give me a list of things that they want. I am terrible at buying presents. TERRIBLE. Especially for big events like 21st birthdays or going away presents. Please do not ask me to choose something. I will get something that is boring and safe. Stuff your distant uncles and relatives give you. Not that there is no thought, but I would probably spend a month thinking and NOT be able to think of anything. Just tell me what you want. Saves us all the hassle of getting things we don't like, don't want and won't use. Excellent idea yes?

Every time I see a photo blog, there's this slight pang of jealousy. I'm awfully lazy and the chances of me uploading pictures from my camera phone is once in 6 months. The other thing is I have no idea how interested people are in the photos that I take? I have no kick ass camera, just my moody point and shoot and my hand phone camera. Yeah, I have a good sense of angle what with my hobby and all, but I think there are some technical details that angle cannot rescue. Clarity is always lacking. And if you zoom in, it gets all grainy. Poor quality, not in terms of subject, but the medium. Sad, but I'm doing my best to avoid cameras. A bit too expensive. Will just borrow when I can, but I'm staying away from them for now. Along with the cars and watches and pretty clothes, I will stay far far away until I actually earn money. The more I research, the more I want it. Not good. I will go broke all too soon.

Okie, medicine is taking effect. Please SMSSMS, I will reply as long as I am awake. Thank you and loves you!

"Take me away to a faraway place... With you it will always be a great journey... Lets try to go further..."

Memory

Playlist

サイケデリコ∞サイケデリコ by D=Out

I was thinking about my family as I was cleaning the floor today. I realised that although we're not rich, I had a great time growing up. I never really lacked anything I guess? I always had fun. Yeah, there were many times that I cried. Many times I wanted to die. Regardless, I had a good time as a kid.

My dad used to bring us to the old National Library on Saturdays morning. After breakfast we would wait for the library to open and my brother and I would run in to grab our books. We needed to go grocery shopping, so we usually only had about 30 minutes to get everything. My dad would get Runner's World or some sport related book. Sometimes there would be Scientific American. Or some technology magazine. My mum would get stuff like cook books, scarf knotting books, flower arrangement and the odd Chinese philosophy book. My younger brother would head to the animals and insects and plants section. Or those spot the difference books. And me? Fairy tales. Classics. Science fiction. Fantasy. Humour. I loved the original darker Grimm's fairytales. Loved anything out of this world. I only started reading general fiction when I started to run out of things to read. Now Murakami is love. Discovered horror in late secondary school. No romance because my dad didn't want me reading 'trashy' books, and I later realised I loved plot too much to read bodice rippers. I get bored far too fast. I would devour all the books by Sunday night and would be eagerly anticipating the weekend because I wanted new books. My parents had to limit me to one book per day. And then I found out about the school library. Wiped out all the fiction books in my library because most of it was too childish for me. Can you imagine? I was reading Pride and Prejudice, Lord of the Rings, To Kill a Mockingbrid at age 12? Secondary school was stuff like Grapes of Wrath, all of Shakespeare's stuff, Catcher in the Rye and more. Junior college was stuffed with modern writing on themes like war and death and love and life. And these are just the stuff in English. I read comics, be it Marvel or Chuangyi. I read the Chinese classics. I studied poetry in both English and Chinese. I love books. My one true love in this world. I can talk about books forever, and I have so many fabulous memories of the old National Library.

Another amazing memory is going to MacRitchie. Yeah, I hate running, but I love that place. We had picnics, jogging sessions, playing on the slope, running on the planks, trying to catch fish... HAHA. I have a scar on my ankle from where I scraped against the drain. It was fun to get out and see the plants and run around and play. It was tiring, sure, but enjoyable. All the energy has to go somewhere, and MacRitchie was understanding. Yelled and jumped and played. The cross country events when I was in secondary school were a pain, but my original memory of that place is one where I could disappear from all my troubles amongst the greenery. OH! The beach was fabulous too! Picnics! Cycling! Cycling! Sleeping on a hammock. Lousy sandcastles. Shell collecting. Kayaking even though I can't swim to save my life. 26th December. The day of the Boxing Day tsunami, I was solo kayaking in the sea with my dad. Crashed against the beach 4 times trying to take off. Hurt like anything but he was taunting me so I persevered. MAD FUN. Sea was choppy, but if there's one thing I know, respect nature and you'll never be in deep trouble. I wanted to show my dad I could do it. Yeah, I'm a bit competitive. A bit. HAHA.

I think I could blog a series about my childhood. Each fantastic individual memory in full technicolour. All the smells and tastes. All the reckless things I did because I wanted to prove myself. In the beginning to my dad. Later to my peers and teachers. And now, myself. More than anything, I want to show myself that I can do it. I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself, but I will push myself to the limit? I'm not a marathoner. I'm not a mugger. If there's one thing I learnt, its the importance of balance. I studied really hard. I played really hard. I had fun indoors, I had fun outdoors. I had fun alone, I had fun with others. No wonder all my personality tests show someone who is neutral. I'm an introvert who is a closet extrovert and an extrovert who is introverted. I am a pessimist who is a secretly optimistic and an optimist with a strong streak of pessimism. I'm not your average girl because somewhere along the way as I was growing up, I grew tired of the bimbos and bitches, and I decided that I didnt want to be a tomboy either. After all, gender is a social construct.

"Because this is the only chance I'll have at this."

Quirk

Playlist

GIRLism by SCANDAL

I think I pick up personality quirks really easily. The more I hang out with a certain person, the more I speak like them. Not that I copy whatever they say, but the vocabulary and sentence structures that I utilise starts to evolve to something similar. Of course, its not as if I will sound like that person, but while retaining some personal flavour, my speech patterns have changed. Learning Japanese has also changed the way I structure my sentences in English. I think it might be due to the differences in grammar forms for these two languages. English tends to move the subject to the back of a sentence and the modifiers in front of it, while Japanese stuffs the topic right smack in the front, but modifies it at the back. I need to think in a weird way to compose a coherent sentence in Japanese. Its different form Chinese and English, although there are many things about the language that makes it similar as well. And the culture? There are some things that are not said directly in Japanese. Questions are a very good example. And there are just some sentence forms that do not exist at all.

I've changed quite a lot. I'm no longer as blunt as how I used to be. I'm way more two-faced than a few years ago. I'm better at hiding my weaknesses and pretending to be okay. Sighs. I think I can attribute part of it to learning Japanese. It makes you think more about what you're going to say and how its going to sound to others. And I often try to translate whatever I think into Japanese to improve my sentence structures, although this has had very limited success. On the whole? My environment has changed me. Getting to know more people this summer, getting to know more people in my classes, getting to know more people in my project groups... In short more exposure. I never thought that I would become like this. I would probably have been voted Most Likely To Insult Some Big Shot And Get Shot in secondary school. In JC I think the post would have evolved to Most Likely To Say Something That Would Speed Up Her Demise. And now? I am still more blunt than most people, but I think I'm nearer to the average. The progress has been nothing short of exponential in my one year in SMU.

Of course I still do stupid things. I'm more aggressive and confrontational than most people, and this is something that is hard to change. I won't run away from problems, but my too direct approach makes people think that I'm offensive. And sometimes, I do things that are exercises in futility, like trying to sort out a misunderstanding and actually CREATING a bigger misunderstanding. I've this wonderful ability to do that. And everyone will stare at me, fascinated, like some car that is hurtling headlong into a wall at top speed and a collision is inevitable. HELLO? People, couldn't you try to tell me to swerve and avoid the wall? Friends? PFT. I think you people think I'm this very amusing an entertaining clown.

I guess the more surface acting that you do, the more tired you're going to be. I don't even feel like smiling. And sometimes I want to shut up and just do my own thing. But no, I have to be nice and considerate and kind and talkative. Its not often that I can just keep quiet and people won't misunderstand my silence as me being pissed off at something or someone or another. Its my natural face. If I don't smile and don't move, I look like I'm angry. I know this. So many regrets, but I guess I try not to live my life examining each one in agonising detail. I'd probably go crazy from depression at my inadequacy and despair of ever moving forward and improving. No good at all.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to blog. Partially my rather egoistic way of justifying my existence. A blog is my space. No one else can post at this site but me. you can only spectate; I'm the one in charge of the content. Control. My best friend and worst enemy. Too much and too little. I'm too extreme for my own good. Should walk the middle path as per Aristotle.

Eeek. I just reread the entire post and realised that I'm near incoherent. I want to sleep, so I shall stop here. Yet another inconclusive post~

"I fear running away, so I will be a coward and approach head-on"

Tempt

Playlist

Ring Ding Dong by Shinee

Yes I gave in to temptation and listened to Shinee. Yes, they make me feel fat.Yes, they make me feel old. Yes, some of their songs are irritating. But I guess Korean pop is good for doing homework because I've been completing more work? So yes. I will just listen to a few songs here and there and skip the rest. HAHA.

I miss Laruku. I know they are celebrating their 20th anniversary next year, but it feels so very far away. I really want to know where will the concerts be held. Other than the usual Japan. And Paris and London. I have this feeling Shanghai will get a stop as well. The furthest I am willing to travel is Hong Kong/Taiwan. Just for them. Partially because I want to go to Hong Kong again and I would love to be able to visit Taiwan. If I somehow manage to go Japan, I'll buy the tickets. FOR SURE. So what if I won't understand most of what is being said by them. So what if I'd probably get lost on my to the concert location and on my way back. I will attend their concert. Its the least I can do for myself. I love Laruku. When I was crying, when I was sulking, when I was depressed, when I was hurt and feeling like the world might as well end, they were the one band in my playlist that I could rely upon to make me feel better again. Big Bang helps me feel like partying. Deluhi is nice. D=Out is cool. Epik High makes me feel calm. Flow is comforting. Gackt is funny. Kazuki is jazzy. Matenrou is hypnotic. SID is awesome. Versailles gives me confidence. Vidoll is familiar. But my one and only true love is hyde with his amazing vocals and Laruku's classic rhythms. VAMPS works because its hyde singing. I think I've explained enough.

Which song do I like? And why? I think Ready Steady School is one of my all-time favourites. Vivid Colours. Blurry Eyes. My Dear. Twinkle, twinkle. Lost Heaven. New World. Shout at the Devil. Honey. Dive to Blue. Pretty girl. Seventh Heaven. Bless. Why do I like them? I think its the composition? I'm not sure, never bothered to study music. I am more of a consumer than a producer. I just know that its not something that can be easily danced to, but its still addictive. I like dance tracks with variation because it allows me to move along to it. But Laruku songs are more of stuff you listen to as you look out of the window in the bus? HAHA. I feel like putting down more, but I feel weird. Its like revealing all your little desires that make you tick. Its like telling someone all the embarrassing things you did. Its like telling people the colour of your freaking underwear. YEAH. So I shan't continue. Too private. Too close to my heart. Too much ammunition HAHA.

So sad that I can't sing along to Laruku songs without mauling it. Its not that I can't sing, but my key is way off. I mean, yes, hyde is a guy. And my singing voice is higher than most girls. I can do those super whiny and high-pitched annoying girl voices. The kind of voice that I hate the most and will want to hurl something pointy at the source of the annoyance. But I have that kind of voice. Like Spinelle. YEAH. I can pitch my voice lower, I usually do when I'm being sarcastic? But when I'm angry enough, I use that whiny voice against others. I know it pisses people off, so I do it to be mean. HAHA. I probably have accumulated a mountain of negative karma.

Ah. I must have been a rabbit or hamster or penguin in my previous life. I love skin contact. DISTURBING, but true. I will unconciously bump into people I'm with. I will go so close as to invade and remove personal space. I will cling and hold hands and hug and just touch. Okie, this comes across as something utterly disturbing and potentially bad for my reputation, but HECK. Its not like I didn't have rumours about me being lesbian when I was in school. People thought I was double-dating 2 of my close friends. Hilarious but true. And then some thought I'm bisexual. At that point, I felt slightly hurt? But after a while it was a game to do the most shocking thing possible to stun everyone around me. I don't remember what I did with my friends, but I remember some very fun episodes where even mutual friends wondered if it was a game or for real. Yes, I'm a bit extreme. But I exert self-control when I'm around guy friends? Especially guy friends who are already attached. Must stay at least one arm's width away. Must control and not do stuff that can be misinterpreted. I feel bad otherwise? So I will always need to find a close female friend after that to glomp. I guess its because I feel lonely? What love and affection and friendship? I can't believe in intagibles like that. Touch is something that I can trust. Skin hunger is something I have, and I'm not afraid to say it if I need a hug? Why should I deny myself of being hapy if its free and guranteed to work? Just because most people don't do so? Most people are STUPID if thats the case. I'm a social animal. I will want physical reassurance. You mean you've never ever wanted a hug? I know some people have proximity issues, and I usually can't get along with those people because I need the contact. Its part of the way I communicate, so if I can't touch you at all I feel disabled in a way. Which might explain why my guy friends are sadly super few. The ones I'm closer to are those who don't run away the moment I lean in closer? HAHA. I'm not going to bite anyone... I think?

Yes, this is because someone said something that made me angry. I should change my Facebook status to engaged. Or married. Or something. Let them guess and speculate and wonder if its for real or a game. Life's a game anyway. EECH. Don't make me angry, I might just go mad and play with someone that you don't want me to touch~ Careful I don't steal the person you love away from you just for the fun of it because YOU hurt the people I love. So hold on tight ok? <3

"どしゃぶり雨が上がれば　生まれたての空が光る いつだって変われるよ絶対　本気で願えば大丈夫さ"

Choice

Playlist

Frontier by DELUHI

In case you're worried, I am still your one and only JellyFish. I will still make fun of your email name. I will still laugh at the silly things you do. I will still do the mad, crazy things I always do to make you happy. And to me, you'll always be my 'dear'. No matter what happens. If you were to betray me or were to leave me, I'd get mad pissed. I'd scream at you. I'd cry buckets of tears and stab voodoo dolls of you. And I do all these, because I love you no matter how much I hate you. Not the most comforting thing I can say, but you don't expect me to write paragraphs of purple prose declaring my undying love right? You've know me since times long past, and I think you should know how I deal with stress~

In a way, I was right. 2 people who are the same will never have a happy ending. I mean, one of me and one of you is way more than enough in this world. If I met someone who was like me, not LOOK like me, I would probably stab her to death? So annoying. So irritating. So noisy. So disgusting. Something along those lines. So I guess it is a good thing that we are so different? How I'm caring and blunt, and you're selfish and such a sweet-talker. Perfect combination of good cop bad cop, both internally and externally. I'm always the 'evil' one to tell people the bad news while you comfort them, when inside, you're the one who's happy you don't have to do it. And I do it because I can't bear to watch another moment of this grande debacle. Somehow, we work, and I really am glad for this relationship. I guess it gives me a sense of security? False security it might be, but I would settle for the little I can get. When I can get it of course. You with your bright and happy life that is so distracting that you can't be bothered to drag me along? I'm sick to embroil myself further in this funk, but I suppose this spiralling web of darkness is better than a swift descend into the abyss. Lesser of two evils and all.

I wonder what I would be like if I was like every other person. I can't even begin to imagine life without all the things I do. No Flare. No Ballooning Bliss. No Laruku. No Gackt. No Deluhi. No FLOW. No D=Out. No manga. No Manwy. No SD. No Brinjal. No Kaen. No Fishies. No extended 'family'. What would I be doing now? Cooking? Baking? Studying? Cycling? Playing tennis? Reading? Watching television? I really have no idea. I am too used to the way I live, rushing from one deadline to another, living day by day, week by week, event by event. How can I even fanthom another? It would be like imagining another world, you can see it, but you cannot smell it, nor can you feel the texture of it. You can only guess what it will be like form your limited knowledge of this world, but the other path is clearly out of reach. Still, I can dream, can't I?

I should learn a musical instrument. I get a bit green-eyed whenever my people show off their musical prowess. Does not help that almost everyone you know can either play the guitar, the violin or better yet, the PIANO. And the look at me in amazement when I tell them I can't tell the difference with all those beansprouts on those lines. I'm sorry if my parents did not have the money to send me for ballet to pirouette in pink tutu skirts, nor did they have the money to buy send me for music classes. But I'm happy with the way I am? Sure I wish I could go on pointe. Sure I want to be able to show of my awesome musical ability. But I know how to laugh. I know how to love people. I know how to be loyal. I know how to be humane. I know how to get up on my feet and keep going even if the odds are stacked high as the mountians reaching to the sky. I'd be sad. I'd need encouragement. But I'd keep going. And for that I am proud to be who I am.

I think I derailed. And lost sight of the train. And somehow, I realised that I no longer want to go to where I was heading to in the beginning. So I guess this is it.

"君に会いたい今会いたい眠れない夜も夢の中も。。。”

Fair

Playlist

Lorelei by Deluhi

I know I said I would not treat this blog as some ranting arena, but I think I'm at my limit. I wanted to survive 7 weeks in school before I go crazy and complain about school here, but evidently, this post is proof that I'm nowhere near 7 weeks and already falling apart.

In case people forgot, I am human. I have wishes. I have troubles. I have desires. I have problems. I have responsibilities. I have my own life. No matter how much I try to be there for you, I do have a limit. Let's face it, I can't be there every single freaking moment of your life. I need to sleep. I need to eat. I need to study. I need to live my life. I can't possibly be there all the time right smack at the moment next to you when you need a hug. I cannot feasibly teleport myself. The most I can do is to give you a call. And I cannot possibly call you in the middle of my seminar. Or when I am asleep. Or when my phone runs out of battery. There are physical inadequacies. I know these. So all I ask is for you to hold on until I can get to you. I know the next 4 hours will feel like a nightmare. I know waiting for me to call you feels like forever. I know our next meeting is eons away. I know. All I ask is for you to hold on. Just a bit more. I'll be there. I'll catch you if you fall. Just don't hit the ground so fast? Believe me, I am thinking of you. You say I can just leave if I put you as my first priority, but really think about it. In good times, you were the one who told me that you could hold on.

I am utterly exhausted. Emotionally drained from dealing with drama. Mentally drained by the gymnastics required by my classes. Physically drained from running on little food and even lesser sleep. I try, but I feel that I am about to break down in the middle of something important and start crying soon. Have you ever thought about me? Have you ever thought if I was falling apart under my toothy smile and never-ending enthusiasm? Have you ever asked me what I wanted instead of telling me what you want? Some may say I talk too much for them to talk, but I prattle on because you expect me to talk. And you say I'm a talkative, loud and noisy. Isn't this unfair? I can live in silence, but you'd feel uncomfortable and make me talk. So I go on and on about things that don't matter, or hint about things that matter. But I guess you didn't get the hint, which is why this post exists.

I hate this part of you that makes me so ugly. Left to my own devices, I'd be reading manga. Or books. Or my notes. Or watching videos. Or listening to music. I'm introverted, but I do all the surface acting for your sake. Its so unbearably tiring, but what else can I do? How many people actually know me? How many of you avoid me the moment I'm in trouble because you 'can't deal' with me? Fair weather friend you lot! You are allowed to go berserk, and I have to be your supportive crutch all the way, but the moment I'm in a fix I'm left to my own devices?! 

I have had enough.

"Fair weather friend, LEAVE."

Surface

Playlist

In class....

Just went to the Apple store to take a look, and I feel sad for my Tofu. Not even a year and it now looks like something from the stone age. Not that I will change my Tofu immediately, hell no, but the retina display is really very attractive to a frequent reader of manga on the go. Being able to see Tsuruga Ren CLEARLY is a huge plus. Oh well, you have it to Apple to make wants feel like a need.

I guess we all have our sad and bad times. No one can predict when exactly we would feel bad, but I guess you can predict certain patterns after a while? You start feeling upset when you feel unmotivated, when you feel that you're not as important as others, when you fel that you're being abandoned, when you feel that you're not understood, when you feel that you have no other viable alternative. The symptoms are obvious enough, and they set in after a while. First is the emptiness in some deep part of you that makes you go out more and talk more and interact more. Next comes the nagging suspicion that you're just not up to task and that everyone else is spinning gaily away from you. After that comes the more physical manifestations, where some sleep more and others sleep much less, where some eat more and others eat much less. Sooner or later, you reach this stage where, with the closest of your friends, the bestest of your friends, you don't know what to say anymore. No problems with those who are just 'friends' because you're able to smoke and fluff through with random nuggets of information, surface acting and pasisng information along. But with those who know you well? You can't hide and you don't know what to say, so you go along and play along with the mood, all the while feeling like you should be doing something else somewhere else... Or that something is just wrong.

Voice of experience as you can tell. Its been so long that I've been stuck in this rut that after a while it becomes modus operandi. As if you'll never be able to truly smile from the bottom of your heart because you closed off parts of your heart to stop the flooding from wrecking your daily life. (Disconcerting submarine analogy I know.) As if you'll never know what you truly want, because all the surface acting has robbed of you of your ability to be true to yourself. As if you'll never be able to love anyone, because you can't even love yourself, much less another entity. You may say that I'm exaggerating, but how would you know that I am? How do you know what lies under my laughter, smiles, lame jokes and dramatics? No matter what, I am made of flesh and blood and tears.

Okay, this is not a particularly inspiring post. I don't think despair is something that I would like to share. Misery loves company, but not to make others more miserable, oh no, but that miserable people love the company of others. I think there is a need to communicate what you want? Even if its superficial and surface, its better than denying this base need. Because how many layer of masks do you want to wear? One? Two? Three? Or even more to the extent that you can't count anymore? Its tiring, unbearably so. Just tell others what you need and what you want, because in our nice and conservative Asian society, sometimes what you want is actually what you need. I try not to tell myself 'It's okay.', because it rarely ever is. You clamp down on your internal uprising and put on your best 'okay' face at what expense? At the expense of your own happiness. At the expense of your ability to express yourself. At the expense of opprtunities lost and forever gone. At the expense of your own peace of mind. I think its almost never 'okay'. We all have our preference, i'll jsut say mine, while you say yours and I'm sure we'll reach a consensus somewhere.

Okie, this turned out to be pretty lecture-ish. But I suppose it is a pretty accurate representation of how I feel inside. You might not feel the same way as me, which is DUH, because we're different people. But the key thing is that we are all still people? That we have hopes and fears, we have dreams and nightmares, we have desires and all the itty bitty things we want far far away from us. We're all human. All people. And I think this is probably the most important factor. I may not be friends with everyone, but I respect them as human beings. Its the very least I can do.

"And sometimes, tears alone won't be enough, because blood has to be shed for a new day's dawn."