Quirk

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GIRLism by SCANDAL

I think I pick up personality quirks really easily. The more I hang out with a certain person, the more I speak like them. Not that I copy whatever they say, but the vocabulary and sentence structures that I utilise starts to evolve to something similar. Of course, its not as if I will sound like that person, but while retaining some personal flavour, my speech patterns have changed. Learning Japanese has also changed the way I structure my sentences in English. I think it might be due to the differences in grammar forms for these two languages. English tends to move the subject to the back of a sentence and the modifiers in front of it, while Japanese stuffs the topic right smack in the front, but modifies it at the back. I need to think in a weird way to compose a coherent sentence in Japanese. Its different form Chinese and English, although there are many things about the language that makes it similar as well. And the culture? There are some things that are not said directly in Japanese. Questions are a very good example. And there are just some sentence forms that do not exist at all.

I've changed quite a lot. I'm no longer as blunt as how I used to be. I'm way more two-faced than a few years ago. I'm better at hiding my weaknesses and pretending to be okay. Sighs. I think I can attribute part of it to learning Japanese. It makes you think more about what you're going to say and how its going to sound to others. And I often try to translate whatever I think into Japanese to improve my sentence structures, although this has had very limited success. On the whole? My environment has changed me. Getting to know more people this summer, getting to know more people in my classes, getting to know more people in my project groups... In short more exposure. I never thought that I would become like this. I would probably have been voted Most Likely To Insult Some Big Shot And Get Shot in secondary school. In JC I think the post would have evolved to Most Likely To Say Something That Would Speed Up Her Demise. And now? I am still more blunt than most people, but I think I'm nearer to the average. The progress has been nothing short of exponential in my one year in SMU.

Of course I still do stupid things. I'm more aggressive and confrontational than most people, and this is something that is hard to change. I won't run away from problems, but my too direct approach makes people think that I'm offensive. And sometimes, I do things that are exercises in futility, like trying to sort out a misunderstanding and actually CREATING a bigger misunderstanding. I've this wonderful ability to do that. And everyone will stare at me, fascinated, like some car that is hurtling headlong into a wall at top speed and a collision is inevitable. HELLO? People, couldn't you try to tell me to swerve and avoid the wall? Friends? PFT. I think you people think I'm this very amusing an entertaining clown.

I guess the more surface acting that you do, the more tired you're going to be. I don't even feel like smiling. And sometimes I want to shut up and just do my own thing. But no, I have to be nice and considerate and kind and talkative. Its not often that I can just keep quiet and people won't misunderstand my silence as me being pissed off at something or someone or another. Its my natural face. If I don't smile and don't move, I look like I'm angry. I know this. So many regrets, but I guess I try not to live my life examining each one in agonising detail. I'd probably go crazy from depression at my inadequacy and despair of ever moving forward and improving. No good at all.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to blog. Partially my rather egoistic way of justifying my existence. A blog is my space. No one else can post at this site but me. you can only spectate; I'm the one in charge of the content. Control. My best friend and worst enemy. Too much and too little. I'm too extreme for my own good. Should walk the middle path as per Aristotle.

Eeek. I just reread the entire post and realised that I'm near incoherent. I want to sleep, so I shall stop here. Yet another inconclusive post~

"I fear running away, so I will be a coward and approach head-on"