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Frontier by DELUHI

In case you're worried, I am still your one and only JellyFish. I will still make fun of your email name. I will still laugh at the silly things you do. I will still do the mad, crazy things I always do to make you happy. And to me, you'll always be my 'dear'. No matter what happens. If you were to betray me or were to leave me, I'd get mad pissed. I'd scream at you. I'd cry buckets of tears and stab voodoo dolls of you. And I do all these, because I love you no matter how much I hate you. Not the most comforting thing I can say, but you don't expect me to write paragraphs of purple prose declaring my undying love right? You've know me since times long past, and I think you should know how I deal with stress~

In a way, I was right. 2 people who are the same will never have a happy ending. I mean, one of me and one of you is way more than enough in this world. If I met someone who was like me, not LOOK like me, I would probably stab her to death? So annoying. So irritating. So noisy. So disgusting. Something along those lines. So I guess it is a good thing that we are so different? How I'm caring and blunt, and you're selfish and such a sweet-talker. Perfect combination of good cop bad cop, both internally and externally. I'm always the 'evil' one to tell people the bad news while you comfort them, when inside, you're the one who's happy you don't have to do it. And I do it because I can't bear to watch another moment of this grande debacle. Somehow, we work, and I really am glad for this relationship. I guess it gives me a sense of security? False security it might be, but I would settle for the little I can get. When I can get it of course. You with your bright and happy life that is so distracting that you can't be bothered to drag me along? I'm sick to embroil myself further in this funk, but I suppose this spiralling web of darkness is better than a swift descend into the abyss. Lesser of two evils and all.

I wonder what I would be like if I was like every other person. I can't even begin to imagine life without all the things I do. No Flare. No Ballooning Bliss. No Laruku. No Gackt. No Deluhi. No FLOW. No D=Out. No manga. No Manwy. No SD. No Brinjal. No Kaen. No Fishies. No extended 'family'. What would I be doing now? Cooking? Baking? Studying? Cycling? Playing tennis? Reading? Watching television? I really have no idea. I am too used to the way I live, rushing from one deadline to another, living day by day, week by week, event by event. How can I even fanthom another? It would be like imagining another world, you can see it, but you cannot smell it, nor can you feel the texture of it. You can only guess what it will be like form your limited knowledge of this world, but the other path is clearly out of reach. Still, I can dream, can't I?

I should learn a musical instrument. I get a bit green-eyed whenever my people show off their musical prowess. Does not help that almost everyone you know can either play the guitar, the violin or better yet, the PIANO. And the look at me in amazement when I tell them I can't tell the difference with all those beansprouts on those lines. I'm sorry if my parents did not have the money to send me for ballet to pirouette in pink tutu skirts, nor did they have the money to buy send me for music classes. But I'm happy with the way I am? Sure I wish I could go on pointe. Sure I want to be able to show of my awesome musical ability. But I know how to laugh. I know how to love people. I know how to be loyal. I know how to be humane. I know how to get up on my feet and keep going even if the odds are stacked high as the mountians reaching to the sky. I'd be sad. I'd need encouragement. But I'd keep going. And for that I am proud to be who I am.

I think I derailed. And lost sight of the train. And somehow, I realised that I no longer want to go to where I was heading to in the beginning. So I guess this is it.

"君に会いたい今会いたい眠れない夜も夢の中も。。。”