Playlist
Bambino by BREAKERZ
Holidays~ Yeah, I still need to finish beading my costume for this Sunday, but at least give me some time to play? I need to feel relieved that I don't have to chase a deadline desperately. I do need a measure of stress to perform, but if I never have any downtime at all, I fear for my sanity. I can see why some people in stressful jobs become vicious. There is a need to express yourself, and when you are unable to do that, it becomes a weight that crushes you. Good thing I can use exercise as a way to destress. Sure, running sucks. Gyming is weird because I'm often the only girl in the gym room and all the guys will keep staring at me like I am some kind of freak. Dance is near impossible because its difficult to continue outside school. I cannot swim. But somehow, I think I manage? I sometimes go on long walks around town or my estate. Need to get the negative energy out of my body and calm myself... I get too highly strung for my own good. So what if my knee is injured? My mental state is far more important.
And on the topic of my mental health, I will use the rest of this post to rant. I guess I need to scold a few people. So what if they have no idea that I am yelling at them? The crux is to get things off my chest.
Its been a year. This time last year, I called and cried and told you I hated you for making me doubt myself. For making me feel insecure, because I felt like I was throwing my feelings into a glass bottle and hurling it into the ocean, praying for a reply. For not saying anything and letting things go even though it made the both of us unhappy. For always adopting a wait and see approach. I hate you because you are so selfish. Unless I freaking break down, you don't show concern for me. Unless I'm in agony, you close both eyes and continue your games, pretending that you don't see me hobbling. Unless I beg for help, you never bother. There is no initiative. You see, you wait, and when its too late, you panic and make things worse. Have you ever changed? You do to me what you do to everything else in your life that is consistent. You take me for granted. You assume I am always here. You assume my love for you will weather through negligence, disregard, your mood swings and other nonsense. You hardly give me anything, just a growing sense of inadequacy and pain. You asked for a chance. I gave so many I weary of myself. Over and over agian, until I have virtually no expectations left. When things that should be normal become so precious because they hardly ever happen. I'm really tired.
I wonder if I am being fair to you. But you never said anything about me not being fair. In fact, you barely said anything, except that you think it is pointless to argue with me. And I think that makes me upset. To me, it feels as if you cannot be bothered to communicate with me. As if, I am not even worth getting angry over. As if, I'm not even worth feeling upset over. I don't know. So many years with each other, and somehow, I seem to get more tired. Do I end things with you? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I truly wonder. When I'm with you, I'm often happy, but the minute we leave each other... I think the problems start. Lack of communication. And the idea that we should not say nasty things when we are with each other because we are just too happy together.
I don't need you to experience SMU. I don't need you to experience Flare. You don't need to know what it is like to keep poking yourself with a needle at the SAME PLACE. I just need you to understand me. How I work. How I feel. How I think. And I would like to know all these about you too. Don't just clam up. I'm not psychic, no matter how good my guesses are. And some things are better said. In fact, a lot of things are better off explicit. Because sometimes, the message in the bottle never reaches the inteded person.
Bed time~
"Some things can only be said NOW."
And on the topic of my mental health, I will use the rest of this post to rant. I guess I need to scold a few people. So what if they have no idea that I am yelling at them? The crux is to get things off my chest.
Its been a year. This time last year, I called and cried and told you I hated you for making me doubt myself. For making me feel insecure, because I felt like I was throwing my feelings into a glass bottle and hurling it into the ocean, praying for a reply. For not saying anything and letting things go even though it made the both of us unhappy. For always adopting a wait and see approach. I hate you because you are so selfish. Unless I freaking break down, you don't show concern for me. Unless I'm in agony, you close both eyes and continue your games, pretending that you don't see me hobbling. Unless I beg for help, you never bother. There is no initiative. You see, you wait, and when its too late, you panic and make things worse. Have you ever changed? You do to me what you do to everything else in your life that is consistent. You take me for granted. You assume I am always here. You assume my love for you will weather through negligence, disregard, your mood swings and other nonsense. You hardly give me anything, just a growing sense of inadequacy and pain. You asked for a chance. I gave so many I weary of myself. Over and over agian, until I have virtually no expectations left. When things that should be normal become so precious because they hardly ever happen. I'm really tired.
I wonder if I am being fair to you. But you never said anything about me not being fair. In fact, you barely said anything, except that you think it is pointless to argue with me. And I think that makes me upset. To me, it feels as if you cannot be bothered to communicate with me. As if, I am not even worth getting angry over. As if, I'm not even worth feeling upset over. I don't know. So many years with each other, and somehow, I seem to get more tired. Do I end things with you? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I truly wonder. When I'm with you, I'm often happy, but the minute we leave each other... I think the problems start. Lack of communication. And the idea that we should not say nasty things when we are with each other because we are just too happy together.
I don't need you to experience SMU. I don't need you to experience Flare. You don't need to know what it is like to keep poking yourself with a needle at the SAME PLACE. I just need you to understand me. How I work. How I feel. How I think. And I would like to know all these about you too. Don't just clam up. I'm not psychic, no matter how good my guesses are. And some things are better said. In fact, a lot of things are better off explicit. Because sometimes, the message in the bottle never reaches the inteded person.
Bed time~
"Some things can only be said NOW."
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