Cancer

Playlist

No Air by Glee Cast

I feel like I am drowning. The song title is kind of accurate in describing my current state. Not the part about pining, but more of being saddled with the weight of life.

Yeah, I am 20. No real responsibilities you may think. No worries. I am suppose to be in the prime of my life, carefree, happy, energetic and full of vigour. My reaction to this, is WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO BLUFF? And to everyone who thinks that post exams is equivalent to being happy and not stressed, please take a hard brick and smash it continuously against your head for being an utter moron. Who made exams the be all and end all of your life? There are things such as CCA. Such as politics. Such as external commitments. Such as work. Such as relationship issues. And more.

I have not had a single day of rest since my last exam paper. Even my rest day was made up of work in the morning. I have not had personal time since... I cannot remember when. I think it was before the semester. Somewhere in summer where I went to the library and read the day away. Which is easily 6 months ago. Half a year of running on adrenaline. Half a year of never-ending pressure to perform. Half a year of emotional dissonance. I think i'm going to go crazy soon.

I have not been blogging much I know. So many things that I wonder if I should say. Its as if every holidays, when others catch their breath I rush to move ahead. I should blame my father for this. I remember I had way more homework during the holidays than during the school term, which is why I came to like school. His idea was that I was slow and stupid, so I needed to catch up with my peers by working harder when others were playing away. The turtle concept. We're told its always better to be the turtle. But have people realised that the turtle is SLOW? They keep telling you to be steady and consistent, but how can you be a turtle if you are a high performer? You'll burn out. I'm not a high performer, and I can testify to that. Keep going fast and you'll die. Its a catch22. You can't go slow or you will die. You can't stop or you will die. Either way, you die if you so much as slack a little bit. What a horrid world we live in.

I know I have my emotional scars. Quite a lot of them in fact. I know I am consciously denying my subconscious. I know I'm going to break from all the nonsense I put myself through. And somehow everyone thinks it is good. Have you ever wondered what my real smile looks like? Not the stage smile I carry so well. Have you ever seen me really rest? People tell me its amazing how I can snap awake at the correct time without an alarm. I would like to ask this people, how well-rested do you think I am to do such a thing? Have you ever truly cared about me? Its not about the big things, but the little things. Things like remembering that I get hungry easily. Things like the days I have CCA. Things like arranging a meal with me, to my convenience. And more. These are just the very basic things. Yet, I can honestly, and very sadly say that NO ONE has ever been able to make me feel like they really care. Am I high maintenance? Maybe. Am I demanding? Probably. The thing is, if I can do it, why can't you?

Indeed, we are different people, but are we really so different? Is a bit of effort so much to ask for? Maybe I am the strange one for living my life to the convenience of others. Maybe I should become more selfish and less concerned with others. Maybe.

I don't trust you anymore you know? Because you betrayed me, when I thought you never would. Because you did the same thing to me that you did 5 years ago. Because we are going back to the beginning. because you hurt me withou thinking about it. I don't have many more pieces of my heart for you to break. Let me warn you, that the thing that kills a relationship is not hatred or fury. It is indifference. Your indifference is killing our link, and I am weary of being the one to salvage the situation. i am tired of all your excuses. This time, save us if I matter to you. Enough is enough.

I need a holiday.

"Burn away the cancer..."