Trip

Playlist

波瀾万丈、椿唄 by R指定

New band that I dicovered online. Not bad, or maybe I am attracted to the bishie megane that is their drummer? I wonder~ I like the PV, there is this lazy feel, and the flashing lyrics reminds me of Vocaloid. To set the record straight, I am not a fan of Vocialoid songs. I think they are awful because its all synthesized. If you were to compare real voices and synthesized voices, real voices win hands down. But if you were to compare Vocaloids to other synthsized music, I must admit that it sounds much better. Grows on you after a while as long as the song is not longer than 3 minutes. Anything more than that is audio torture. I shall explore R指定 a wee bit more before I decide to add their songs to my library. Quite promising so far?

Just returned from Malaysia. Went there for Comics Fiesta at Berjaya Times Square. It was a pretty eventful trip? A lot of discoveries. Made new friends. Understood more about myself and my friends. Like every trip, it was a great experience. I think trips are wonderful. Stuffed into the same small space with people whom you don't understand, you are forced to interact and you try your best not to make errors. You blunder around and try to reach a compromise. Some things work. Others do not. You fall flat on your face, you fall in love. You realise that the world is not all about you, and you get irrtated that things do not go your way. You wonder at your luck, and lack of it. You grow, because there is food for the soul. Which is why I love trips. I love pushing myself to the limit to see how fast, how far, how much I can go. I'm not trying to look for my breaking point; I'm looking for a way to stretch myself to achieve the most that I can. You may feel that it sounds as if I am suicidal, but I assure you that it is not the case. I'm looking for a sense of accomplishment, a sense that there was something that you left behind, all in spite of your short life and limited ability. Our search for purpose. Possible through a trip.

There are a lot of things I feel like typing, but I wonder at the reason why I feel like putting it down. I'm afraid of writing it down, because it makes it more real than it already is. And the more afraid I am, the more it feels like something that ought to be done. I'm not sure if you understand what I mean, but it is as if I am typing it down for the sake of typing it down to get it off my chest, and not because there is a need to type it down. At the same time, there is this sense that I need to type it down because it is simply the harder thing to do. I could ignore and tell myself that I'll type it some other time and let it fester in my heart. Not saying is much easier than saying something, because once it is written down in black and white, it is virtually impossible to retrieve. Sure I could delete the post (although I make it a point to never delete or edit the content of my posts), but the person who has read it would have read and seen it. The impact is there. And something I cannot undo no matter what I do.

I think I think too much sometimes, but I think I might love you. Its something that I've felt for quite a while, and this feeling has grown to become something that I am accustomed to. It is something that have never gone away, even though I tore it out, it stubbornly refused to die out, and stayed put, sinking roots in places I cannot access. In the beginning, I was troubled. Not emotionally mature enough. Not socially mature enough. Not smart enough. I was just thinking about it, and I kept apologising and thinking that it was my fault. Kept feeling like I was in the wrong, when there is no wrong and no right. Kept blaming myself. In the end, I told myself to kill off the area that wanted a result. Forced myself to go back to zero. Cried my heart out at the piece of my heart I killed to go on, because I had the mistaken belief that there was no way it could have worked out. How wrong I was. Both of us felt the same way, and both of us could not say it out. Both of us pretended that everything was alright and fine and the same, when inside, we were dying for acceptance, and a solution was there. All we needed to do was to say it. And we didn't. We closed both eyes, and turned the other way. We walked apart. And to this day, I regret not telling you. I regret smiling at other people the way I should to you. I cannot leave you behind, because you have always been there in my heart. For this, I am sorry to you. Dealing with the remnants of my love, I'm shortchanging you and everyone else. I seek your shadow in others, and somehow, something that was once pure has become warped with neglect and pain. So much jealousy, so much anger, so much sadness, so much hatred, so much desire, so much love. All there, and seething under the surface. To escape, I plunge myself in my work, I dive into everything I do in the hopes that activity will keep me from thinking. In a way, it worked. Now I am so busy that I don't have time to be in a relationship. Everything hurts less, but feels less real. I see things in a blur through filters, and nothing really touches the abyss inside. I do not complain, because it is an exchange to save myself from myself. Somewhere along the way, the survival mechanism kicked in, and for that I am thankful. Because if I didn't push the feelings away, hearing you tell me you like someone else will probably send me to my grave.

I guess I am honoured that someone likes me even though I am so worn and battered. I am thankful that he finds me attarctive, and that he wants me to give us a chance. I am thankful that he is willing to wait for me. But he doesn't know about all these. He doesn't know how much you mean to me. Even if he was to know, he will never understand, because he will never feel the same intensity. Lives entwined, and there is no way out. I can't cut you away without cutting myself away as well. Like a malignant tumour that has taken root, and I cannot think of a way to remove it. Its like the entire tumour has taken over my heart and cutting it away would kill me. So I just wait to die, fighting for every breath. And I push him away because I know he deserves someone better than a dying person. Not literally. But emotionally. Please don't fall in love with me. I am a human who is about to turn into a doll. Alive but not vital overmuch. I'll stay with you if it makes you happy. I'll do my best to make you happy. I'll be here until my last moment, wishing you all the best, praying that even when I am gone, you'll still be smiling.

Why do I say this? Its like exposing raw flesh to a shark and saying EAT ME. Asking to be shot and hammered and further ripped apart. Am I crazy? I think so. And so are you. And you. And you too. Over dramatising? Yes? No? Maybe? I don't really care. So what? I won't tell it to you personally, because it would make your life more difficult, and I cannot tell it to you because I have no more expectations for this of you. If I told it to you, I would expect a reply, and that alone would be too much for me to bear. So I will just type everything on my blog, and hope that you will one day read this and understand and somehow, things will be ok.

Its ok if you misunderstand, Its ok if you never wish to speak to me again. Its ok if you ignore all these and pretend you never saw this post. Its ok if you ask me what I mean. Its ok if nothing happens at all. I have given up. I guess I can be happy living this way, until the day everything ends. I just want to say this to give myself closure. Even if I cried a litre of tears, even if everything was to change and nothing was to change. I can happy the way things are, because somehow, I found peace with myself. This reminds me of cheer camp where the flyer spent almost 3 minutes on me, and I just stood there, holding her, crying because it was so painful, and just bearing the weight in silence because I wanted to encourage her to keep going. No one noticed until I told them to take her off because I was in too much pain, and I think they were in shock. Said this before, but I can't help but see the similarity. I cannot frown, because I believe in making the people around me happy, even at the expense of my own happiness.

I am an idiot. So shoot me.

"And we'll tear each other to pieces."