葬

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花葬 by L'Arc~en~Ciel

Always liked this song. Everyone has an all time favourite song, and this is mine for Larc. With the concert recording just a few days away, I really hope that I can memorise all the lyrics of all their songs? A wee bit tough as Larc is a 20 year old band, but I'll do my best! Birthday present to myself :D

Ah, about birthdays. Mine is coming up and I feel lonelier with every passing day. Its the worst when I wake up on that day. The feeling of staring at yourself in the mirror while you prepare to go to school alone for an exam is THE WORST EVER. Doesn't help that no one in the entire examination venue will know its your birthday. Doesn't help that most of your friends would be too busy to remember. The moment where on the public transportation, you look into your reflection in the mirror and wonder if the world will change if you weren't there. Probably not, is the very disappointing answer that stares back at you. Oh, and I hate insincere wishes. Which is why my birthday isn't available on FB nor anywhere else. I am such a disgusting person aren't I? Make that little mental leap from what I've been saying. And if you don't get what I mean, its better that you don't. I am in no hurry to introduce my friends to the deep dark recesses of my mind. Psychotic tendencies are contagious after all.

Not sure if what I'm saying is ANYWHERE near the truth, but I love Larc's new song Chase. Maybe its me, but its a hopeful song. Its a dark song, but somehow, it feels like one of redemption? (Please don't start singing Gackt's Redemption to me I'd punch you) Not sure how to explain. As if, even though its a song about losing your way and losing things, there's a choice to fight on and play on and prove yourself? I may, of course, be completely misinterpreting the song. There have yet to be any official lyrics, which makes it possible that all my musings completely out of whack. Then again, who cares what it actually means as long as I like it? Oh, oh, another song I've been spamming is Glee's Rumour Has It/ Someone Like You mash-up. It is superbly terrific. One of the few songs that makes me want to break into song in the middle of the street? Of course I can't sing, so I probably never will, but the temptation is really there. I can probably do the dance, but the song is way out of my league. So unfortunate. Sigh.

Best thing to do during the study week: Hug a pillow, eat ice cream and blog while listening to music. Indeed, I am one day plus behind on my revision but for some strange and inexplicable reason, I don't feel any remorse. Which is bad news considering how my first exam is in a mere 3 days. The question now is whether I am worried because I am not worried about the exam, or I am worried because I am not worried about my slow progress. It is two rather separate kind of worries and... I just realised that instead of worrying about my worries, I should probably begin on my work. Sigh. I hope this laidback attitude doesn't cost me too much in terms of my final grade. I can just imagine myself flunking accounting and finance and doing poorly in corporate communication and economics. Depressing thoughts cloud my November, which is why I often engage in the consumption of overtly sugary confectionery in the hopes that it will negate all the negativity inside me. Quite difficult as there is a limit to how much I can eat, no I am not a bottomless pit although you might be inclined to think so, and that it wears off. Furthermore, sugar crashing hurts.

I think my gastritis might be linked to the fact that my dinner is becomingly increasingly pathetic. I know I'm really lucky to have someone cook for me? But the food is getting reduced everyday? I know leftovers are problematic, but its as if all I eat at home is white rice. Sorry, white rice with some soup. Maybe something like 20g of meat and 15g of vegetables. Which kinda might be the reason why I keep feeling like I'm dying after 11pm. I'm not sure how to tell my family that I need more nutritious food, and that that lump of meat isn't gonna be enough, because they keep asking me to eat more rice. I can't complain cause my parents would throw a freaking hissy fit and start going on about the joy of someone preparing food for me but... Your daughter's stomach lining is being steadily eroded. And I wake up in the morning feeling ill, because sometimes? Its been something like 14 plus hours since I last ate. Thats more than a day. No wonder I feel supremely awful every single day.

"You and I have history, or don't you remember?"