Wind

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Ugly by 2NE1

I can't frown. Anyone who knows me personally can attest to that. I can try, but it ends up looking like a cross between a frog face and a retarded face. Which kinda gives me a retarded froggy face. Facial muscles aren't developed enough to frown I suppose. Somewhere inside I always thought I might have been a devolved version of a human being because I don't possess enough facial control muscles to frown. Yeah, musings of a semi deranged girl who was born middle aged and never seemed to grow up. It's quite a mouthful, but I promise you it makes sense if you think about it.

Annoyed with parents. As usual. I think we all get annoyed by these seemingly mature individuals who have so much control over our lives. I profess that they are seemingly mature because they do things that they tell me are childish and should be avoided. Things like indiscriminately venting their anger out on everyone and anyone. Things like leaving their dirty dishes in the sink and expecting others to wash up after them. Things like watching television at horrendous volume levels at night. Things like forgetting to do things entrusted to them by others. And more.

I'm not saying that my parents are horrid, though I probably could because they once told me that they had never wanted me to be born but that's a story for another day. And they also told me that forgiveness isn't something that I should expect for my errors, but that's also another story for another day. The thing I'm trying to say today, would probably be that being mature would be learning to live with the truth of my reality. I'm not perfectly mature and 'adult' all the time, and in knowing this, in a very ironic way, is a long of maturity.

Of course I do plenty of silly things. Ok not as many as what I'd like to be doing, and in all likelihood less than many of my peers but I go enough to qualify as a kid. And I'm glad to be this way. I'm not ambitious and aiming to be a high flying professional. What I want, is quite basically, my own place. I don't mind if its a little room, though I'd definitely prefer a house of my own. Rentals are fine. Which means I need to earn enough to pay rent and my expenses. Living hand to mouth is kinda alright too. Blasphemous right? What about the low risk, low expenditure, high savings, collectivist, communal and filial values of my Asian upbringing? The thing is, I like freedom. I like doing things at my own pace. Like packing my cupboard in the dead of the night. I don't want to live at someone else's pace, which is very likely to cause me problems if I ever got married. Not that I'm going to get married anytime soon.

I think this streak in me makes it hard for me to get along with others. People want security. Hanging out with a friend who's like the wind, and expects you to be rock steady is kind of a tall order. I can leave but you can't. You need to trust that I love you but I won't trust you. Double standards and superb contradictions abound. Which is why I think I'll never get married. And I'll never be able to have really solid relationships with people. Sigh. I guess I'll just grow old with my tanks of jellyfish.

By the way, I'm supposed to be studying for my exams. First one on Monday and I've yet to cover all the material. 4 papers and none properly prepared for. Ggxx. As always, my life is exciting because I make it out to be so. Hopefully I'm not faced with Cs at the end of this semester. Academic suicide is really unpleasant. Wish me luck~

"Unable to say anything, because you wouldn't listen."