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Tomorrow by Tablo ft. TaeYang

This overwhelming sense of loneliness, and the fear that I will grow old and die alone, not even with the cats and jellyfish I would probably rear. Thus, although I never really thought I'd say this, but I am. I think its about high time I stopped being single. Yes, this is the moment you gape at me incredulously and ask me what took me so long. I suppose it took me this long to realise that people around me will one day die and leave me behind... No I am not an idiot, and yes, I have always known this, but there is a HUGE difference between knowing and KNOWING. When a good friend of mine told me she was afflicted with an incurable disease, I nearly cried in front of her. She'll probably never be able to have children on her own, and she'll live her days watching what she does, doing whatever possible to extend her life and quality of life. I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like... The knowledge that any day could be your last. That the sand in your hourglass is running out so much faster than everyone else, and this crazy healthy friend of yours declares she's given up and she'll never get married and never have kids even without really trying to be in a proper relationship. I would slap that friend.

I say this, but I know I need to start somewhere, which isn't likely to be anywhere anytime soon. I think I'm someone people don't want to date because I come across as a person who doesn't need anyone else? Friends have told me that I have this aura that pushes people away. As if they aren't important and I don't need them. According to them, its fine with friends because you expect to be just one of another of crowd, but with a significant other... I understand that it does get painful to be with someone who doesn't seem to need you at all.

Yet, I think its quite sad, because no matter how much I appear to not need people, I really do? I look away, but I think its because I believe you'll always be there with me? That I don't need to guard over people I love, and that they will love me and stay with me. Which leads to a lot of problems, as I have realised, because no one would feel secure with chasing mindlessly. Maybe I should have done more to give people a greater sense of security? Was I so careless to hurt people the way that I've been hurting? If so, I apologise. I'll work harder to hold your hand and never let you go. I'll do my best to let you know that you're special to me. I'll let you know I care, because you are important to me. Of course I do wonder if this alone is enough. Will I look back and think of myself as a fool for hoping people will be satisfied with this? Perhaps you might think this is unnecessary because people who want you will stay on their own. I cannot really determine the effect of this right now, but I bear with me while I try to find out if this is the right approach.

I think we are all a little stupid when it comes to things that are really important to us. Like how I smile like an idiot when I see Pooh in the morning. Like how I sometimes wish he could be with me. Like how I start crying even when I'm happy when I hear a certain song. I guess its part of me to behave in that way, and I believe there is this portion in everyone. We don't show it all the time, but it exists, nestling there in our subconcious mind. It erupts from us, and I think the part of me that I like best would be this. Not the me who can play tennis. Not the me who does Mathematics. Not the me who does the budgets. Its the girl who does laundry when she's annoyed. Its the person who studies with a pillow and a soft toy in her lap. Its the me who adds smiley faces to each message in the hopes that people don't misinterpret my moods. One individual, different facets. 

I should head to bed. Going to have breakfast with my family tomorrow morning and I should not keep them waiting while I bid fond farewells to my pillow and bed and bolster and Pooh for another few hours.

"I will wait for that time to come. I see now. Right now I am trying my best to improve myself, for myself."