Affection

Music Request

Beast of Blood by Malice Mizer

The outing was boring. I'm being honest. Yeah. I left early. I wasn't close to the others. The reasons could go on. Still, there is a need to confront it at face value. The truth is that I felt I was on an outing with infantile teenagers. Which, if examined from a certain perspective was exactly what I did. Go out for lunch, and a freakingly expensive one at that, with a bunch of infantile teenagers. We went to Yuki no Yaki, a teppanyaki cum ice cream place for lunch. Cost me a bloody $21.30, didn't eat my fill and the food wasn't particularly good. Stayed there for a good three hours, watching others talk, laugh, irritate the hell out of each other... Boring. That idiot, who was disturbing kaen, became the victim of my boredom. You all know I like to play with people when I'm unbearably bored. He just became a target as he didn't have the backing the others had, and I didn't care about his opinion of him. it wasn't purely out of the goodness of my heart, defending my friend, but rather, a form of entertainment that also happened to have some form of positive externality. Bullying the weak. I'm getting old, jaded, and meaner. Oh well. Its inevitable.

We proceeded to the arcade, where they started on the Para Para and GuitarFreak machines. The same way they did the previous time they were in the area. Boring. Serious. As I watched them all move their bodies, I wouldn't call it dancing, not even what Kai did, and whack at the various buttons. It was at this very moment, that with a sudden clarity, I realised I had left them behind. Left Kaen behind. let me place this into a context the rest of the human population can understand:

Say we are all in love with Mr XYZ. We are all females, and he can have as many wives, mistresses, lovers, flings as he wants without being jailed. Lol. Ok. We all start with the first feeling of true love, the speeding heart rate, the constant blushes, the nervousness. After that, people get all lovey-dovey, after that its a stable relationship... You get the drift. Well. Where I thought we were all in a stable relationship with anime/manga etc, it turns out it was all the unstable palpitations, the addiction phase. This is as i just realised that I have defeated the Boss of Level One, and now at Level Two, do I truly realise how Level One was nothing. Nothing at all. Where I thought I really loved cosplay and Lolita, I merely LUSTED after the ecstasy and pleasure of doing something enjoyable. I didn't truly love it. The way ALL those children don't love it. I looked at them moving, living in the moment, and I truly understood. Was enlightened. It was a big part of them, I'm not saying it isn't. Cutting them away from cosplay may kill them, the way you die of sudden withdrawal from an addiction. As for me, taking it away is highly unlikely to kill me NOW. I'll look totally fine, I'll do all the daily motions. While I rot away inside. In utter silence. The way, in stories, the wife waits for her husband to return, all the while knowing he never will, can never return, as he is dead. Yet, she still waits. Its that kind of feeling. That intensity. This is what it has come to mean to me.

I look at them, aged thirteen onwards, some older then me, and wonder. How many feel the way I do? Not many, I know. The kind where it has become a part of you. Not an extension of you, no. To them, cosplay is more of an extension. Auxillary. How many will continue, when they are at my age, at the crossroads I face, and still love ot the way I do? Highly unlikely. In a way, it is true that I have a commitment problem I commit, and I'll never, ever let go. Just ask Kaen about my relationship with my boarding house...



"My tongue functions without permission from my brain..."