Decay

Playlist

Milky Way bu L'Arc~en~Ciel

You are nothing but a perverted old man. You have no talent and exceedingly limited ability. Stop trying to convince yourself that you are an 18 year-old. You are not. Where do you think you are? A bar? Goodness, you are no where near hot enough to participate in some lousy half-hearted strip tease. I'm not interested. At all. You think you're so funny, so mature, so knowledgeable. Like Hell you are. A narrow-minded frog in a well. What you are so proud of is merely a title. One that you're not even worthy of. I know people who are far better than you. Both in personality and ability. Furthermore, I am not a child. Just because I'm polite does not mean I'm alright with the crap you dish out. You are so predictable. Nothing special. Just the result of a flawed system. Get lost. You think you are so special. You are most definitely not. Yes, I'm being rude. you'll most probably never see this, but just in case you do, good for you. Welcome to the 21st century. Dinosaur.


In one day, I have listened to Nps Ngs five times, Le ciel three times, Returner four times. Not to mention Rebirth and Heart. Yes. I'm listening to music in the office. No harm apparently. Not with two-thirds of the staff absent. I think when the new year begins, I'll miss playing music more than anything else. In a way, my job is really simple. And the workload depends on the applicants. So if the applicants take it easy, my days at the office are like today. Blogging. Listening to music. There's nothing I can do! I believe in devotion to task, yet, when my task is to update applications... There's a limit to how devoted you can get. I'm actually creating work for myself to do. Maybe I should quit. There is hardly any fulfillment. Answering phone calls, sorting documents, updating the online status, replying to enquiries, troubleshooting... Maybe I should do something else. I can feel my brain cells dying.


Eyeliner. Lots of it. Gackt, SID, Laruku. I have the posters. All of them wear eyeliner, with some more than the other. I mean, yukihiro seems to be the type who only uses eyeliner when in the more Gothic Laruku PVs. Gackt on the other hand... Go watch his Sekirei PV. Especially as he blinks awake... I personally like his general appearance in Vanilla and Le Ciel. Hair neither too short nor too long. The fingernails in Le Ciel is suicidal though. The other band members seem to be colour coded. Like blue for Mana, he and his French princess, red for Kozi, purple for Kami, yellow for Yu~ki and... Goodness knows what is Gackt's colour. Still, he looks amazingly, broodingly handsome.

Going by my recent posts, one would think that I have converted my Laruku shrine into a Gackt shrine. Nope. Its still all up there. Staring at me as I do my push-ups, plank and other static exercises in my room. A great motivator. There's this consistent stress that comes from knowing that you're not as fit as them. Okay. I'm using euphemisms. I'll be honest. There is A LOT of pressure that comes from waking up next to their inhumane godliness. I mean, I don't feel a need to lose 10kg and strive towards model thinness, but seriously, losing about 5kg would be real sweet. Yeah. Its that kind of unhealthy feeling. I know! I'm being weird. Still, I realise that my metabolic rate has slowed... And I'm seriously unfit. So its a good thing that I now have a goal. Although it is rather ambiguous. My aim is to be fit, and healthy enough that I don't feel self-conscious in my own room. Good luck to me.

" A fallen fruit... Hastening the process of decay..."

Diverge

Playlist



Bel-Air by Malice Mizer



Goodness. The office is virtually freezing today. I took a look at the thermostat. It was 21.5 degree Celsius. In tropical Singapore. No wonder. I generally like the cold, but in this place where the air is stale... And the carpet smells like... Well, carpet. Believe me, its quite awful. Claustrophobic? Not so much as a morgue. Yeah. I'm thinking too much. I'm speculating. I'm being nonsensical. Guess its because of the music. Been listening to Malice Mizer for way too long. After all, when you have N.p.s. N.g.s. set as your message tone and at repeat... You go lulu after a while. I have no idea what the acronyms mean. I don't want to guess either. You can go listen to it and imagine what the whole bunch of them are trying to convey. I'll just self-hypnotise. In other words, I'm going to ignore it all.





I feel so terribly insulted. Or should I not? Ok, I'm not exactly HURT or anything. Its just that I feel I OUGHT to feel hurt. Whatever. Anyhow, one of my colleagues just mentioned that I have a supremely mugger look. He, yes, a he. Age 35. Single. Likes Indian food. Those who know me will know the rest of the details. What he said was that my spectacles and hair puts me in a 'MUGGER' category. Furthermore, I'm not tan enough. Now I know why the whole bunch of SRF people think I look very different when I'm cosplaying and when I'm in normal clothes. Honestly, I think there's not much of a difference. After all, I've seen myself in all circumstances. In full dance gear with the one-inch make-up, Lolita make-up, be it sweet or Goth... When I have just woken up... When I'm all spotty... Still me inside. At the end of it all, I'm still... Me. No matter how unglamorous I may look. Yes, you can say I'm an arrogant prig who is full of self-love. I don't care. After all, who, on this blue earth, is going to love me the way I love myself? No one.

Going to Kovan to register for Japanese lesson later...

"Yes... Yes... Thank you... Have a nice day!"

Baby

Playlist

Le Ciel By Malice Mizer

Merry Christmas! Well, another year where we commercially celebrate the birth of Christ. Personally, I don't feel as guilty this year because I did not buy expensive gifts for myself. Nor anyone else for that matter. Cards and other handmade stuff. Tiring, but much more worth it. The sense of satisfaction from completing something is amazing.

On to frivolous things. I love Gackt's voice. I was wrong to think that Klaha was more suited and Gackt... Yeah. I was wrong. Its two totally different things. Watching videos, low quality ones at that, on Youtube is not an accurate representation of how Gackt sounds. In the CD, he sounds way better. The flamboyance of Malice is absolutely reliant on Gackt's vocals. I think Klaha's bass voice matched the funeral goth route they ventured into in the third stage. Well, Mana is a genius. I mean, the music is excellently produced with considerations for the voice type of the singer. Simply amazing for a guy who refuses to speak to the normal human public. The music of Malice Mizer is like nothing else. This is high praise coming from someone who lives in the world spawned by them. All the Visual Kei groups conbined cannot seem to produce music sufficiently haunting. The Malice Mizer genius, is very simply, their trademark.

How did I get the music? Borrowed the CDs from my PAE classmate Germaine. Its scary how the world is such a small place. Evidently, her sister is a huge Gackt fan. So she lent me a whole bunch of Gackt and Laruku CDs. Now that I've seen the originals, I'm convincede that if I ever have the good fortune to chance upon a windfall, I'll go get all the Gackt CDs available. The cover art and the song booklet and... The entire packaging is great! Its no longer just for the music, but everything. Especially how he addresses his fanclub. Its called DEARS. So yeah. A personal, intimate form of address. Boy does he know how to take advantage of his fans. Haha. Willing. Like I mentioned to Kaen, I'll gladly let him stab me with a knife. Lost cause.

I have a new phone! N6500s. The improved version of my Dad's previous phone. The nice, old, interface. Metal casing. Same weight as my previous phone. Able to take great photos. Sorts my music... Wonderful yeah? I actually wanted to get the W980. I mean, 8GB? And its Sony Ericsson. Nice music quality. The price tag was hefty, however. Something like 6 times the price of my current phone. No way am I paying that much. I'd feel guilty if my parents got it for me. This is as its not really essential to my living. I can survive with another phone, like my current baby. maybe I'll wait until its much cheaper...

"Magic or merriment... Communion with Nimrod..."

Returning

Playlist

Returner ~ Yami no Shuuen~ by Gackt

Goodness. I'm in love with Gackt again. Not that I've abandoned my half completed Laruku shrine... But watch the video above. Singing about love in the midst of battle. Its seriously impressive, although it sounds strange when I put it in writing. Oh well. It does not matter whether or not you are a Gackt fan. The sheer depth of feeling conveyed is sufficient to convince you that Gackt is a genius. And that he looks hot. In a smothering, depressed hero kind of way. Lol. From his Furinkazan stint? Oh. New single is called Jesus. I wonder if the Japanese are rediscovering Christianity. hyde's music has been increasingly religious too. Still, Returner and Mizerable are my absolute favourites. For me, I like Gackt because of his ability to convert his soft-spoken voice into really haunting vocals. His voice is not powerful, well at least from the PVs and CDs, but it sticks in your head. The music is also amazing enough for the tune to just keep replaying. The visual feast that is his PV does not hurt either :) Guess its from his VKei roots...


Enough of Gackt! I've ripped an astonishing number of hyde's photos from the net. I can't help it! hyde is just so absolutely photogenic! In a way, he's a bit like a vampire... You know, the never aging part? He totally does not look like he's 40 next year! Haha. Well, he's exceedingly private, so the age is the result of speculating and math done by crazy fan girls like me. Lol. In a way, 40 is the minimum age. Any younger and... Well, lets just say he would not be able to would not be able to do certain things when he started out. Gackt too. Minimum is 35 next year. Another age-less vampire. I can understand why, after all, the entertainment industry is seriously hard on those without the glamour of youth. Which makes the Japanese entertainment industry kind on those who are old. Well, at least men. Like I said previously, men need maturity. I mean, there's Laruku, Gackt... a whole lot of singers in middle age... Even Mana! Goodness knows how old he is... A friend of mine commented that he looks a bit like the Thai transvestite prostitutes when he models as a female recently. I think its age influencing his face shape. I don't know. He still looks ok to me, but... I still admire him, but I think he should stop the cross-dressing modelling. He looks good as a guy. Should just stick with it. Mana fans, please don't kill me!


Ah! I found a blog that reviewed hyde's album, Faith. Here. I don't really agree with all the reviews, but its a rather accurate representation of my general review of the album. To me, Faith is something like 4 stars on the whole, with a few songs 3 stars. So the girl's reaction is a bit extreme. Still, its worth reading.


I want new stuff to listen...


"If I can see you again... If only in a dream... Please let me have eternal sleep..."

Shrine

Playlist

Drink It Down by L'arc-en~Ciel

My room looks like a Laruku shrine. I think if any of the Laruku guys stepped into my room, they are likely to run out screaming at the top of their voice. Haha. When I described my room to a friend and showed her photos of my new decor, she shook her head and looked at me pitifully. The look said 'Lost Cause'. Still, as a nice and considerate member of society, all she did was to ask me how I sleep with a minimum of 13 pairs of eyes staring at me. I think sleeping isn't the problem. I've been so exhausted recently that I fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow. Not sure why. Anyhow, I have no problems with sleep. I mean, I actually have wind chime! Rather, its changing. It is extremely disconcerting to change with the said 13 pairs of eyes staring at you. Firstly, and most obviously, they are ALL MALE. Secondly, and also kinda obviously, I look nothing like a model. Thirdly, its LARUKU for goodness's sake! And SID. So yeah. I took down two Laruku posters and the SID poster. So now its only 5 pairs of eyes. I could not bring myself to take down the enormous hyde poster. Sacrilegious!


My brother gave me an excellent idea. He proposed that I take my favourite Laruku picture and turn it into a bedsheet set. So I'll have a Laruku pillowcase, bolster case, bed spread, blanket... Then to match my room decor, he suggested that I paint or whitewash blown up Laruku posters on my wall, get some life-size standees of the band and set up an altar with new incense burnt everyday. I honestly have no intention to convert my room into an shrine. The main reason that all the stuff costs money, which I sorely lack at this juncture. Also, I am not yet so crazy about the band that i'd go to such an extent. After all, the whole bunch of them are old enough to be my father. Just because I admire their musical genius does not mean I have to worship them. Yeech! Although hyde does look increasingly yummy as he gets older... I have said this once, and I'll say it again, men need maturity to be attractive, women need youth. Its a super unfair world...


Going to sign up for Basic theory test for driving later. I'll most probably sign up for the YMCA ballet lesson too. And Japanese at Kovan. These will obviously be at a later date. There is, after all, a limit to the number of hours in a day. Oh. I need to study for SAT too. I'm totally behind my schedule for my SAT. Goodness. I need a minimum of about 2230... Ok. I'll do it later this evening. No more procrastinating.

"Confusion rules this shifting age...And uproar fills the town... My thoughts of you are drowning in the noise... How could you know?... Why should you know me?"

Continue

Playlist

A Drop Of Colour by Hyde


I didn't have the time to type it all out yesterday. So many things happened. Mostly good, fortunately.


Started with cleaning the house, as per usual. Was reprimanded for sloppy work, as usual, and I left in a pretty bad mood. Missed the bus to Yishun, and I was pretty sullen by the time I reached. Which was the duration of my displeasure. How upset can I be, when I see the very people who have been with me, through thick and thin in dance for the past 2 years? Its just not possible. The moment we met each other, we were laughing and talking faster than any bird could chatter. I'm serious. We were exchanging connections to help others find work, swapping tips for SAT, joking about school, exchanging Christmas presents, discussing driving schools... Lots of things to catch up on. Its amazing how we can still connect despite the time spent apart.


From Yanyan, I've come to realise what a negative influence my clique was on the CCA. After we left, they implemented physical training, full day dance sessions... Stuff we never had. I guess its partially because a third of the members would have started to actively skip dance lessons, not like some of us were not already, and also because our president was lazy. Not sure which has a greater influence, but I think it was the cumulative effect that resulted in a rather minimal CCA involvement.



We had lunch... Went to Popular bookstore to get some stuff.... Walked around a bit... Yanyan bought a pair of shoes... Snapped some photos... We went to play billards... My first time, and since we were all lousy, we altered the rules to suit our very limited capability... And I left after we had attempted a few arcade games. The general atmosphere was relaxed. No real complaints from anyone, not surprising, seeing how we are all in the waiting phase. Its interesting to see the various things each of us is engaged in. Without the pervasive sense that time is running out, we all seem happer. Obviously.



I went to Kaen's house after that for SRF's birthday celebration. We played Don't Forget the Lyrics, the anime version, as well as with Wii. Believe me when I say there are people out there who can remember every single word of every anime song that was played. Bya. Crazy I tell you. Kaen too. I mean, I know she can remember all the songs that she likes... But still. Thats why I think she's kidding herself when she tells me she has poor memory and cannot remember her notes. Its no longer a matter of memory, but of willingness. Oh well.



The previous post? Kaen gave me a SID poster, a Laruku clothe banner, a hyde poster, 3 Laruku posters, and a Laruku keychain. Why will I not be so overcome with happiness that I shriek at the top of my voice and start crying? Totally acceptable behavior. Its just that I did not expect her to get me anything from Japan. She did tell me that she could not find any of the things on my shopping list, but she did not tell me she got other stuff! I think she was stunned by my rewaction. A bit extreme I admit. But you must realise, all feelings are more intense when you are suffering from post-rejection depression. The little things that make people happy seem like MAJOR incidents...

After that, I was in an excellent mood. Was quite tired when I reached her house, but all the lactic acid dissipated immediately after that. Haha. I'm not surprised. I had intended to stay over, but the thought of going to bed without a bath and brushing my teeth, coupled with the prospect of upset parents sent me home. I don't know why I bothered, because they were upset anyway. I suppose its because I did not clean up everything before high-tailing out of the house. Yeah. Whatever.

Anyhow, my room now looks like a Laruku shrine now...

"Light my Laruku fire..."

Instant

Playlist

Random music... Playing Don't Forget The Lyrics...

THANK YOU KAEN!!!!

"I'll be back..."

Body

Playlist

Mayura ~ Pisaroto~ by VIDOLL

I'm happy today. Yes, its really early in the morning for anything major to have occurred, and no, I did not wake up in this supreme mood. While I am more of a morning person, it does not equate to a mood that allows you to bounce around grinning like a frog. So why? My mother commented that my complexion is improving! Honestly, its difficult to get peple who see you everyday to comment on aspects of your physical apperance. Unless its really drastic, like from a lion's mane to rebonded hair. So for my mother to notice my complexion... It means the stuff I'm using works! Actually I don't feel that there has been such an improvement. Indeed, the blackheads are virtually all gone. The whiteheads heal pretty fast. Scaring from previous spots have lightened considerably. No, my complexion does not look as good as my display picture. That was taken on a day when all the stars aligned and sang a Christmas carol. So yeah. Unlikely to happen again relying solely on my natural bodily processes. Sigh.

I've realised that my Dad is right. That biology plays a major role. Genetics, to be more specific. I'll never be able to undergo LASIK, even though I might be able to get perks due to Dad's connections. Why? I have dry eyes. Rather, I have a dry eye. My right. My left eye is normal, if a little teary to begin with. My right... The afternoon in the office is sufficient to cause it to hurt. There is no redness, but you know there's something not quite right. After all, it is your eye. I used to be pretty upset about being short-sighted. Every year, when I found out that my extent of myopia increased, I would cry myself to sleep. As I used to share a room with my brother, I would wait for him to sleep, before sobbing away. Pathetic right? When I first found out about LASIK, I was so happy. The very thought of living without spectacles put me in a good mood for months! Yes, I have to wait until I'm older, preferably after age 21, but the thought of never needing spectacles again...There's this part of me thats still really hopeful. Wishing that technology will improve sufficiently to make my dream come true...

I want to grow taller. I know its out of reach, but my ideal height is actually 1.7m. Don't ask me why. Currently, I stand at around 1.67m. Just 3 cm shy, but its like the difference between the ground and the sky. Mere numbers, like your weight and measurements, but they mean the world to someonewho has just lost her bearings. Long story for another post. My current weight is 53kg. Ideal is 50kg, although I think I'd gladly settle for 51kg. Rather than lose weight, I'd actually like slimmer thighs. I absolutely cannot wear skinny pants. In fact, I look fat in most pants. Its the bone structure. My thigh bone is the same size as a guy's. In fact, larger. I compared it with my Dad and my uncle... Discretely against othe guys I've seen. The same size, or bigger. Awful yeah? Its a pain looking for pants, and you look fat in photos... What am I to do? There's only so much skirts can hide.

Is this sudden self-conciousness the emergence of something more worrying? I wonder why I have begun to doubt and nitpick at things that used to be perfectly fine. Dissatisfaction? With what? What am I actually looking for? And do I really want to know the answer? Is my growing conncern with my physical appearance a symtom of something more...

" I can't psychoanalyse myself. Fortunately."

EOY

Playlist

life by SID

They are back! Both Kaen and Vivi! Missed them so much! You only realise what a person means to you when you cannot contact them. I'm not saying that all the other people I know do not matter. Its just that its more obvious when there's silence. Like hurling a message in a bottle into the ocean. This does not apply to Duck. Regardless of whether she's around or not, she just keeps forgetting to reply my sms and calls. So yeah. I feel really lucky when I get a message. Pathetic eh?

EOY was another, similarly pathetic event. Air-conditioning was hardly working. Place was virtually empty. Loads of Cardcaptor. Ten? The theme was retro, but still... Most of the better cosplayers were absent. Heard that there was a major wig problem on SGCafe. Apparently, a reputable supplier ,essed things up. Made the person starting the thread and those who were in the batch furious. I would be too. All the effort all down the drain because the supplier could not deliver. Oh well. Hope such stuff does not repeat itself. Unlikely. Rather, I think I shall hope that such a thing does not occur to me.

EOY was so boring that I really have nothing much to say. So I shall not discuss it. Waste of time and effort. Hmm. But about Ayu... Sigh. I pity her. I know, its rude, but thats the most a semi-emotionless person like me can do. I want to help her, because I want it all to be an extension of my self. Selfish right? Stil... I wish I could feel the same way she feels. Not quite possible. If I was not so plain, I think I might go into the entertainment industry. I have no problems playing the various societal roles even in life, so acting is no problem. Puppet. No wonder I am so fascinated with modernism. Reflects the inner state of mind. After all, Oscar Wilde did say that the audience sees his inner self in art. Not what the artist may be trying to express, but the self. So as prideful and hedonistic human beings... We see ourself in whatever we think is beautiful. Deep. As Australia. Inside joke!

Enough.

I love VIDOLL!!!!

"It must be genetic!"

Pricey

Playlist

Sweet? by SID

Oh my goodness. A university education is so expensive! I mean, for Wisconsin-Madison, the school and tuition fees alone reach US$30,000! Minimum! That is about $45,000 a year, and in four years... Its $180,000! So expensive, and we have yet to include living expenses... Why am I being such a financial burden to my parents? If I was smart or resourceful enough, I could have qualified for some scholarship. Even a partial scholarship would do. I know I'm not considered poor enough to apply for financial aid and bursaries, so the only way is scholarships. Yet, I'm so average that the possibility of me attaining one is as high as my ability to get financial aid. Not good at all.

I feel so helpless sometimes. Ok. MAke that most of the time, especially recently. There's this pervading sense of being mediacore. I've never felt it quite so intensely as now. Awful, depressing, painful... Its all the time. Everywhere. You're not smart enough. Not rich enough. Or poor enough. Not pretty enough. Not slim enough. Not tall enough. Not talented enough. Essentially, you fall short of expectations. Parental expectations. Societal expectations. And the worst of it all, your own expectations. Failing to achieve external expectations is nowhere near as hurtful as the sense of utter despair that comes from failing yourself. This might be a foreign concept to some, but I think there are many out there who emphathise. Is it the education system? The society we live in? Values? I have no idea. Someone greater than me might be able to propose something.

I was not always like this. There was a time, not too long ago, this sounds like some Naational Day propogandistic song, where I lived my life according to my own pace. Not by the rules of others, nor by the larger society. Everything was my way, my pace. I know thissounds awfully selfish, but it was not the way it sounds. I did not hurt people on purpose. I just went about my own way. I mean, too bad if you got hurt, but it was not the intention. The purpose was to do it all my way. Think the Russian harlequin in Heart of Darkness by Conrad. I wanted nothing but space to exist. Now... I'm fighting the tide to get to where I ought to be. Not where I want to be. I'mokay with moving with the flow of destiny, because I know I'm nothing next to Fate. You cant win against something that you cannot even begin to comprehend. And I do not like t fight losing battles. No one does.

Argh. Why do I always get increasingly philosophical? Not like I truly am...

"Its all inconsequential..."

Purgatory

Playlist



Silence... Blogging in the office... Shush...



Its a lie! A freaking lie, I tell you. The person who said that being involved in an activity dispels boredom is LYING. Currently, I'm working full time in NUS, helping out at a gift shop in Raffles City, as well as studying for my SATs... Yet, I'm so bored, I'm likely to do whatever stupidly ridiculous thing anyone dares me to do. I'm serious. I can imagine my brain cells dying one by one, moaning in agony as they perish from my brain. There's hardly any simulation. Yes, I'm lucky to be employed. Yes, I'm lucky to have adecent hope ofgoing to university. Yes, I'm lucky to have use of all my limbs, can breathe without assistance, able to speak and yes, normal. Still, what is the point if you're bored?



Most would feel that I'm exhibiting the stereotypical Singaporean quality of complaining when I've got it all made. I disagree. Its not complaining. Its lamenting the sad state of human existence where we are expected to be contented with scraps from the table. Indeed, I am materially better off than many people in the world. Yet, how can we use such as absolute measure? How many of us live empty lives? Going about our tasks and daily activities without a sense of accomplishment, satisfaction, purpose and understanding? Shells! Nothing real, and we spend such a large part of our lives doing all these tasks. Pathetic. I feel sorry for myself. And I don't want to feel sorry for myself. Such a disgusting emotional state.



I sort of gave up on uploading the AFA photos. I can't help it! Its blurry to the point that its really difficult to clear it. Furthermore, I've yet to have the time to really upload the photos. Busy working and studying. I assure you, its tough to study and work. Quite tiring. when you're home, all you want to do is relax. There is virtually no energy to sit down and study. This, together with me still in the post exam relaxing mood, no way that I can get admitted into a US university at this point in time and many other things that I want to do... Sigh. Virtually a lost cause. Oh well. I'll just do my best for the paper. Shall not waste time and money.

Right now, I'm considering Wisconsin-Madison and Michigan. Effectively just looking around. NUS is sort of my fall back plan. I know, its ranked higher, but still. I feel like I have no personality, and the very banal existence I have in Singapore only serves to contribute to a growing sense of restlessness.

"What are we all waiting for?"