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Mayura ~ Pisaroto~ by VIDOLL

I'm happy today. Yes, its really early in the morning for anything major to have occurred, and no, I did not wake up in this supreme mood. While I am more of a morning person, it does not equate to a mood that allows you to bounce around grinning like a frog. So why? My mother commented that my complexion is improving! Honestly, its difficult to get peple who see you everyday to comment on aspects of your physical apperance. Unless its really drastic, like from a lion's mane to rebonded hair. So for my mother to notice my complexion... It means the stuff I'm using works! Actually I don't feel that there has been such an improvement. Indeed, the blackheads are virtually all gone. The whiteheads heal pretty fast. Scaring from previous spots have lightened considerably. No, my complexion does not look as good as my display picture. That was taken on a day when all the stars aligned and sang a Christmas carol. So yeah. Unlikely to happen again relying solely on my natural bodily processes. Sigh.

I've realised that my Dad is right. That biology plays a major role. Genetics, to be more specific. I'll never be able to undergo LASIK, even though I might be able to get perks due to Dad's connections. Why? I have dry eyes. Rather, I have a dry eye. My right. My left eye is normal, if a little teary to begin with. My right... The afternoon in the office is sufficient to cause it to hurt. There is no redness, but you know there's something not quite right. After all, it is your eye. I used to be pretty upset about being short-sighted. Every year, when I found out that my extent of myopia increased, I would cry myself to sleep. As I used to share a room with my brother, I would wait for him to sleep, before sobbing away. Pathetic right? When I first found out about LASIK, I was so happy. The very thought of living without spectacles put me in a good mood for months! Yes, I have to wait until I'm older, preferably after age 21, but the thought of never needing spectacles again...There's this part of me thats still really hopeful. Wishing that technology will improve sufficiently to make my dream come true...

I want to grow taller. I know its out of reach, but my ideal height is actually 1.7m. Don't ask me why. Currently, I stand at around 1.67m. Just 3 cm shy, but its like the difference between the ground and the sky. Mere numbers, like your weight and measurements, but they mean the world to someonewho has just lost her bearings. Long story for another post. My current weight is 53kg. Ideal is 50kg, although I think I'd gladly settle for 51kg. Rather than lose weight, I'd actually like slimmer thighs. I absolutely cannot wear skinny pants. In fact, I look fat in most pants. Its the bone structure. My thigh bone is the same size as a guy's. In fact, larger. I compared it with my Dad and my uncle... Discretely against othe guys I've seen. The same size, or bigger. Awful yeah? Its a pain looking for pants, and you look fat in photos... What am I to do? There's only so much skirts can hide.

Is this sudden self-conciousness the emergence of something more worrying? I wonder why I have begun to doubt and nitpick at things that used to be perfectly fine. Dissatisfaction? With what? What am I actually looking for? And do I really want to know the answer? Is my growing conncern with my physical appearance a symtom of something more...

" I can't psychoanalyse myself. Fortunately."