Pricey

Playlist

Sweet? by SID

Oh my goodness. A university education is so expensive! I mean, for Wisconsin-Madison, the school and tuition fees alone reach US$30,000! Minimum! That is about $45,000 a year, and in four years... Its $180,000! So expensive, and we have yet to include living expenses... Why am I being such a financial burden to my parents? If I was smart or resourceful enough, I could have qualified for some scholarship. Even a partial scholarship would do. I know I'm not considered poor enough to apply for financial aid and bursaries, so the only way is scholarships. Yet, I'm so average that the possibility of me attaining one is as high as my ability to get financial aid. Not good at all.

I feel so helpless sometimes. Ok. MAke that most of the time, especially recently. There's this pervading sense of being mediacore. I've never felt it quite so intensely as now. Awful, depressing, painful... Its all the time. Everywhere. You're not smart enough. Not rich enough. Or poor enough. Not pretty enough. Not slim enough. Not tall enough. Not talented enough. Essentially, you fall short of expectations. Parental expectations. Societal expectations. And the worst of it all, your own expectations. Failing to achieve external expectations is nowhere near as hurtful as the sense of utter despair that comes from failing yourself. This might be a foreign concept to some, but I think there are many out there who emphathise. Is it the education system? The society we live in? Values? I have no idea. Someone greater than me might be able to propose something.

I was not always like this. There was a time, not too long ago, this sounds like some Naational Day propogandistic song, where I lived my life according to my own pace. Not by the rules of others, nor by the larger society. Everything was my way, my pace. I know thissounds awfully selfish, but it was not the way it sounds. I did not hurt people on purpose. I just went about my own way. I mean, too bad if you got hurt, but it was not the intention. The purpose was to do it all my way. Think the Russian harlequin in Heart of Darkness by Conrad. I wanted nothing but space to exist. Now... I'm fighting the tide to get to where I ought to be. Not where I want to be. I'mokay with moving with the flow of destiny, because I know I'm nothing next to Fate. You cant win against something that you cannot even begin to comprehend. And I do not like t fight losing battles. No one does.

Argh. Why do I always get increasingly philosophical? Not like I truly am...

"Its all inconsequential..."