Dad

Playlist

The fan in my brother's room

I do not drive. Which is why I am learning how to drive. I do not think I am smart. Which is why I try and read proper books and articles. I do not think I know a lot. Which is why I am willing to learn, to ask. I do not think I am anything special. Which is why I do my best. I am flawed. I am sometimes a hypocrite. I am not always nice. I am not always assertive. I do not know what I want. I do not know what I can do. I am lost. I am paranoid. I lack self-esteem. I KNOW IT IS A PROBLEM.

The people you love the most hurt you the most. And it is often under the pretense of them loving you. They say things that hurt you, because it is not true. It hurts, because they did not clarify things and foolishly jump to conclusions. It hurts, because you were betrayed of your trust. Which is why I will never let myself love anyone. I will not let myself fall in love with anyone. I am not a masochist. I will not sign a contract to hurt myself.

I think God is a witness. He should not interfere.

I do not want you to interfere. YOU SAID YOU WOULD NOT INTERFERE. You did. You always do. You determine what I do. Not directly. You'll be snide, and mean, and insulting. You'll poke and prod and complain. You'll cold-shoulder me. I love you, so I'll do what you want me to do. I know I should listen to myself, but I love you. So I give it all up for you. I regret it, but I never tell it to you. I don't want you to feel guilty. If you ever do. I want you to be proud of me. I want you to love me the way I love you. Sometimes, I hate you for what you've turned me into. I hate you for what you've turned my world into. In spite of all this... I still love you. I really do. Thats why it hurts so much... Thats why I always cry. You say I'm weak. You say I'm a crybaby. Don't you know, its only if its things that are related to you?!

"Go ahead and break my heart. I gave it to you anyway."