Mess

Playlist

Get It Right by Glee

This song grows on me. The first time I heard it on GleeOnFox, I was totally prepared to diss it as just another song that showcased the vocal prowess of Rachel Berry blah blah blah. But amzingly, its really pretty good. Yes, total Rachel Berry showcase, not like we need yet another one, but I think this song is good. Go check it out on the official Glee channels to support Glee! OK, advert done. I can go back to squealing over Blaine Anderson (Darren Criss) and his Warblers. I'm so sad that he's going to exchange the Dalton blazer for normal clothes. I love the Dalton school uniform! Oh well, I'll just wait for Season 3...

I think travelling to the States has changed me. I'm not sure exactly where and how, but I know that I have a different approach to things now. More anger, but at what? There is this sense that life is bigger than whatever I have seen, and there is this sense of fatalism. As if, no matter what I do, the future has already been decided for me, and there is nothing I can do to change it. Its ridiculous, because I think the trip was supposed to make us feel inspired to work harder and smarter and to try everything that comes our way. Evidently, it doesn't seemed to have had the desired effect on me.

I really feel like interning now. Everyone is doing their internship, and all I'm doing this summer is travelling everywhere. States, Taiwan, Japan. What did it do for me? Make me more depressed and somehow, I feel totally alone. As if I was cut off from everyone else and I can't seem to get anyone back. Anyway, I have absolutely no idea how I will clear my internship component at this rate, especially if I go on a one-year exchange to Waseda. Unless I am amazing enough to score an internship in Japan? I have no idea. My grades are horrible, I have no inkling as to what major I want to declare, I have no idea which industry I want to work in... I think I'm really drifting around meaninglessly. Maybe an internship would have given me some sense of direction. I have no idea. I think all I'm capable of is to grasp at straws in the hopes that something makes me feel less like an overgrown child. Utterly depressing. 

So yes. In conclusion, there are about 300 things that I need to do, of which I have yet to take action on any of it. Go ahead and scold me and say whatever you want. I'm just in a weird mood to sit around listening to songs the whole day. Not the least bit productive, but not that I really care now. I know I will regret this, but I would like to believe that the time I enjoyed wasting isn't exactly wasted if I enjoyed it. Very optimistic and excuse-sounding, but what can I do? I need toget out of this emotional quicksand, but I have no idea how...

Just to let you know how deep I am in nonsense and sinking fast, I need to 1) Pack for Japan, 2) Declare my major, 3) Study Japanese, 4) Buy omiyage, 5) Settle Flare stuff and all these are by next Monday! I also need to decide on exchange, and if I do go on exchange, I need to find out how I am going to clear my internship. Its really not easy to find a Japanese internship if you are a foreign student? And my school really does not help with this... Unless I was to take Leave of Absence and intern? That might be a pretty good idea actually... I am kinda tired of school. Disillusioned with the establishment. Too many years of book flipping and paper chasing. Yes, even people like me who you think are bookish get tired of studying. It should be said that it is especially scary when the people who love something start hating it. I've seen a few people who have truly lost it and I'm not keen to join them. The way you hate something you once loved... The intensity of emotion is not to be trifled with. And the one thing I seriously cannot afford right now, is to hate studying. I'd suffer a slow and exceedingly painful death...

I have nothing more to say. Just gettting more depressed as I type. Ciao.

"What are you waiting for?"