End

Playlist

High High by G-Dragon and T.O.P.

The last day of the calender year. Not like it makes that big of a difference. School just starts in 4 days and I need to write 2011 instead of 2010. Life goes on without worrying about the changing days. Just a way for us humans to keep track of time. Because we suck without visual aids...

I feel weird. First and foremost I am not ill. Secondly, I feel that I am changing. I am not sure why, but I can feel it. The way I dress, the way I speak, the way I do things. Getting more vicious. Less truthful. There are times when I am sorely tempted to lie and not tell the truth. All for fun. And to try my luck. Because I am angry at something that I have yet to realise, and my subconcious is rebelling to make itself feel better. You see, I have a pretty good relationship with my subconscious. So when it gets mad at me and refuses to tell me why exactly it is beahiving in these peculiar ways, I am very much troubled. Not a good thing if I do things without control. My inner girl is not a very nice person. She is easily jealous, very possesive, likes trouble and has a very warped sense of humour. If you think I am weird and horrid, I feel my subconcious is someone you may not want to meet.
And somehow, she is creeping out. Maybe I have been a bit too stressed and the walls are coming down. Or perhaps there is truly a need for a badder me to exist in my current environment. I might have been a wee bit arrogant about my self control and been negligent? And maybe I am thinking too much and dramatising everything again. Maybe.

Some things never change though, and for that I am grateful. Thank you for the bits of normality in my life.

And so this year ends like this. Last post of the year...

"I'll always change, and always be the same..."

Desire

Playlist

JoJo by SHINee

I have no idea why, but every time I think of SHINee, I feel like a pedophile. Maybe because they look so young, but I feel like some weird old lady who likes younger guys. Not that I am that old. SHINee is talented.They can sing. And a few of them a pretty good dancers. But the age... BRR. The Korean music industry is seriously doing their best to exploit the youthful potential of their artistes. Not that its exactly morally reprensible or wrong per se. Maybe I feel threatened. Or I am just jealous. Regardless, I feel that as a fellow Asian, I wouldn't want to live in a country where the stars look so stellar that normal people seem like they are from another country altogether.

Merry Christmas! I'm not Christian, but I like public holidays, so I am grateful to anything that gives me a day off, discounts, excuses to party and slack and more. Rather uneventful holiday? Compared to some of the other holidays where I'm rushing work, projects, costumes or drowning while trying to entertain, this is a relatively carefree holiday. Yeah, Comics Fiesta was one hell of a nightmare fantasy, but thats a post for another site. My blog is a space for my more normal exploits, if I have any? HAHA. Anyway, everyone is winding down and using the changing calender year as an excuse to not work. So its rather quiet. The most exciting thing was probably at the beach. Went to cycle at ECP. So many people that I wonder if half the population of Singapore was there. Anyway, epic disaster when you have so many people. The bicycle track had so many kids that were cycling across lanes and even against the flow of traffic. Some crazy people were racing against each other and weaving in and out of traffic haphazardly. Pedetrains are the worst. I wanted to ignore some of them an just crash into them. Yeah, I'm evil. Deal with it. Its not my fault, because they were really annoying? Random pedestrains crossing as and when they like, assuming that bicycles will definitely stop for them. One family was even walking their stupid dog in the middle of the entire track, so both sides of traffic had to avoid them? Couples walking along the divider. And of course, there are pedestrains on boths sides of the track. I think the bicycle track was worse than my driving exam. People everywhere, doing unpredictable things. Sighs. One other cyclist crashed into me. her bike went down along with her, and my bike on top of hers. I'm fine. She fell off the bike, but there was no blood nor visible immediate brusiese. Nothing too serious. Come on, I'm a cheerleader, I know my injuries. So I picked my bike off her's and went to park it at the corner, before going back. She was still on the ground, with a face so filled with grief you would think the dentist just told her she needed to extract all her teeth with no aneasthesia. I couldn't help but smirk at her, hey, she crashed into me, I'm a safe cyclist, and I think I gave her my oh-you-fell-poor-you-why-don't-you-get-up-piggy look. She really looked pathetic. The poor-me-pity-me-im-weak-and-useless look? Too bad it doesn't make me feel guilty. Just makes me happy I walked away without a scratch and my ego fully intact. Yeah, you can start saying I'm a meanie~

Yeah. The above paragragh is evidence that I am not very nice. Somewhere out there I think there is a blogger complaining about the bitch they met at the beach, who made her crash/fall or whatever. I don't care. She doesn't have my name.

I told an acquaintance I cosplayed, and her reaction was shock. Could not believe this quiet and sweet young girl was into cosplay. (Yeah right) Probably thought that cosplay was all about cat maids and short skirts and what not. Couldn't be bothered to rectify her impression, I've seen too many people who assume and jump to conclusions. If I was to correct every single one of those flawed persepectives, I'd be an old lady and still not done. Oh well. I think of myself as a self-funded model? Something like leisure modelling? Where the photographers are your friends, and you do your own make-up. And you make your own acessories and costumes. Self-funded is more accurate, but I think leisure sounds better? HAHA. And I act as well. I've been in videos. At events, at photoshoots... I guess I love the attention. No cosplayer hates attention. Because we're super good at drawing attention to ourselves, hating attention would mean you'd die in the scene. And even among fellow cosplayers, we look for ways to outdo each other and outglam each other. Its all competitive. You seek to be the best cosplayer for a certain character, and you tread on the pride and reputations as you advance in the ranks. Completerly self-regulated community. Politics through and through, and there are no moderators. free for all. Free market. Utter chaos, and order is self-established. Fun, and very very painful...

Why am I saying this? I've been considering quitting. To stop and never do it again. Can I even do that I wonder? Its so ingrained... But I need to move on I know. Sighs. Another year is about to descend, and I seem to be at the same place as last year and nothing has changed. I wanted to go for the BSM to New York. No, I'm not going. Did not manage to get in. Which is superbly depressing. Oh well. Shall I just go to Japan to make myself feel better? Anyone wants to join me?

"I will never get what I want..."

Trip

Playlist

波瀾万丈、椿唄 by R指定

New band that I dicovered online. Not bad, or maybe I am attracted to the bishie megane that is their drummer? I wonder~ I like the PV, there is this lazy feel, and the flashing lyrics reminds me of Vocaloid. To set the record straight, I am not a fan of Vocialoid songs. I think they are awful because its all synthesized. If you were to compare real voices and synthesized voices, real voices win hands down. But if you were to compare Vocaloids to other synthsized music, I must admit that it sounds much better. Grows on you after a while as long as the song is not longer than 3 minutes. Anything more than that is audio torture. I shall explore R指定 a wee bit more before I decide to add their songs to my library. Quite promising so far?

Just returned from Malaysia. Went there for Comics Fiesta at Berjaya Times Square. It was a pretty eventful trip? A lot of discoveries. Made new friends. Understood more about myself and my friends. Like every trip, it was a great experience. I think trips are wonderful. Stuffed into the same small space with people whom you don't understand, you are forced to interact and you try your best not to make errors. You blunder around and try to reach a compromise. Some things work. Others do not. You fall flat on your face, you fall in love. You realise that the world is not all about you, and you get irrtated that things do not go your way. You wonder at your luck, and lack of it. You grow, because there is food for the soul. Which is why I love trips. I love pushing myself to the limit to see how fast, how far, how much I can go. I'm not trying to look for my breaking point; I'm looking for a way to stretch myself to achieve the most that I can. You may feel that it sounds as if I am suicidal, but I assure you that it is not the case. I'm looking for a sense of accomplishment, a sense that there was something that you left behind, all in spite of your short life and limited ability. Our search for purpose. Possible through a trip.

There are a lot of things I feel like typing, but I wonder at the reason why I feel like putting it down. I'm afraid of writing it down, because it makes it more real than it already is. And the more afraid I am, the more it feels like something that ought to be done. I'm not sure if you understand what I mean, but it is as if I am typing it down for the sake of typing it down to get it off my chest, and not because there is a need to type it down. At the same time, there is this sense that I need to type it down because it is simply the harder thing to do. I could ignore and tell myself that I'll type it some other time and let it fester in my heart. Not saying is much easier than saying something, because once it is written down in black and white, it is virtually impossible to retrieve. Sure I could delete the post (although I make it a point to never delete or edit the content of my posts), but the person who has read it would have read and seen it. The impact is there. And something I cannot undo no matter what I do.

I think I think too much sometimes, but I think I might love you. Its something that I've felt for quite a while, and this feeling has grown to become something that I am accustomed to. It is something that have never gone away, even though I tore it out, it stubbornly refused to die out, and stayed put, sinking roots in places I cannot access. In the beginning, I was troubled. Not emotionally mature enough. Not socially mature enough. Not smart enough. I was just thinking about it, and I kept apologising and thinking that it was my fault. Kept feeling like I was in the wrong, when there is no wrong and no right. Kept blaming myself. In the end, I told myself to kill off the area that wanted a result. Forced myself to go back to zero. Cried my heart out at the piece of my heart I killed to go on, because I had the mistaken belief that there was no way it could have worked out. How wrong I was. Both of us felt the same way, and both of us could not say it out. Both of us pretended that everything was alright and fine and the same, when inside, we were dying for acceptance, and a solution was there. All we needed to do was to say it. And we didn't. We closed both eyes, and turned the other way. We walked apart. And to this day, I regret not telling you. I regret smiling at other people the way I should to you. I cannot leave you behind, because you have always been there in my heart. For this, I am sorry to you. Dealing with the remnants of my love, I'm shortchanging you and everyone else. I seek your shadow in others, and somehow, something that was once pure has become warped with neglect and pain. So much jealousy, so much anger, so much sadness, so much hatred, so much desire, so much love. All there, and seething under the surface. To escape, I plunge myself in my work, I dive into everything I do in the hopes that activity will keep me from thinking. In a way, it worked. Now I am so busy that I don't have time to be in a relationship. Everything hurts less, but feels less real. I see things in a blur through filters, and nothing really touches the abyss inside. I do not complain, because it is an exchange to save myself from myself. Somewhere along the way, the survival mechanism kicked in, and for that I am thankful. Because if I didn't push the feelings away, hearing you tell me you like someone else will probably send me to my grave.

I guess I am honoured that someone likes me even though I am so worn and battered. I am thankful that he finds me attarctive, and that he wants me to give us a chance. I am thankful that he is willing to wait for me. But he doesn't know about all these. He doesn't know how much you mean to me. Even if he was to know, he will never understand, because he will never feel the same intensity. Lives entwined, and there is no way out. I can't cut you away without cutting myself away as well. Like a malignant tumour that has taken root, and I cannot think of a way to remove it. Its like the entire tumour has taken over my heart and cutting it away would kill me. So I just wait to die, fighting for every breath. And I push him away because I know he deserves someone better than a dying person. Not literally. But emotionally. Please don't fall in love with me. I am a human who is about to turn into a doll. Alive but not vital overmuch. I'll stay with you if it makes you happy. I'll do my best to make you happy. I'll be here until my last moment, wishing you all the best, praying that even when I am gone, you'll still be smiling.

Why do I say this? Its like exposing raw flesh to a shark and saying EAT ME. Asking to be shot and hammered and further ripped apart. Am I crazy? I think so. And so are you. And you. And you too. Over dramatising? Yes? No? Maybe? I don't really care. So what? I won't tell it to you personally, because it would make your life more difficult, and I cannot tell it to you because I have no more expectations for this of you. If I told it to you, I would expect a reply, and that alone would be too much for me to bear. So I will just type everything on my blog, and hope that you will one day read this and understand and somehow, things will be ok.

Its ok if you misunderstand, Its ok if you never wish to speak to me again. Its ok if you ignore all these and pretend you never saw this post. Its ok if you ask me what I mean. Its ok if nothing happens at all. I have given up. I guess I can be happy living this way, until the day everything ends. I just want to say this to give myself closure. Even if I cried a litre of tears, even if everything was to change and nothing was to change. I can happy the way things are, because somehow, I found peace with myself. This reminds me of cheer camp where the flyer spent almost 3 minutes on me, and I just stood there, holding her, crying because it was so painful, and just bearing the weight in silence because I wanted to encourage her to keep going. No one noticed until I told them to take her off because I was in too much pain, and I think they were in shock. Said this before, but I can't help but see the similarity. I cannot frown, because I believe in making the people around me happy, even at the expense of my own happiness.

I am an idiot. So shoot me.

"And we'll tear each other to pieces."

Scream

Playlist

Bambino by BREAKERZ

Holidays~ Yeah, I still need to finish beading my costume for this Sunday, but at least give me some time to play? I need to feel relieved that I don't have to chase a deadline desperately. I do need a measure of stress to perform, but if I never have any downtime at all, I fear for my sanity. I can see why some people in stressful jobs become vicious. There is a need to express yourself, and when you are unable to do that, it becomes a weight that crushes you. Good thing I can use exercise as a way to destress. Sure, running sucks. Gyming is weird because I'm often the only girl in the gym room and all the guys will keep staring at me like I am some kind of freak. Dance is near impossible because its difficult to continue outside school. I cannot swim. But somehow, I think I manage? I sometimes go on long walks around town or my estate. Need to get the negative energy out of my body and calm myself... I get too highly strung for my own good. So what if my knee is injured? My mental state is far more important.

And on the topic of my mental health, I will use the rest of this post to rant. I guess I need to scold a few people. So what if they have no idea that I am yelling at them? The crux is to get things off my chest.

Its been a year. This time last year, I called and cried and told you I hated you for making me doubt myself. For making me feel insecure, because I felt like I was throwing my feelings into a glass bottle and hurling it into the ocean, praying for a reply. For not saying anything and letting things go even though it made the both of us unhappy. For always adopting a wait and see approach. I hate you because you are so selfish. Unless I freaking break down, you don't show concern for me. Unless I'm in agony, you close both eyes and continue your games, pretending that you don't see me hobbling. Unless I beg for help, you never bother. There is no initiative. You see, you wait, and when its too late, you panic and make things worse. Have you ever changed? You do to me what you do to everything else in your life that is consistent. You take me for granted. You assume I am always here. You assume my love for you will weather through negligence, disregard, your mood swings and other nonsense. You hardly give me anything, just a growing sense of inadequacy and pain. You asked for a chance. I gave so many I weary of myself. Over and over agian, until I have virtually no expectations left. When things that should be normal become so precious because they hardly ever happen. I'm really tired.

I wonder if I am being fair to you. But you never said anything about me not being fair. In fact, you barely said anything, except that you think it is pointless to argue with me. And I think that makes me upset. To me, it feels as if you cannot be bothered to communicate with me. As if, I am not even worth getting angry over. As if, I'm not even worth feeling upset over. I don't know. So many years with each other, and somehow, I seem to get more tired. Do I end things with you? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I truly wonder. When I'm with you, I'm often happy, but the minute we leave each other... I think the problems start. Lack of communication. And the idea that we should not say nasty things when we are with each other because we are just too happy together.

I don't need you to experience SMU. I don't need you to experience Flare. You don't need to know what it is like to keep poking yourself with a needle at the SAME PLACE. I just need you to understand me. How I work. How I feel. How I think. And I would like to know all these about you too. Don't just clam up. I'm not psychic, no matter how good my guesses are. And some things are better said. In fact, a lot of things are better off explicit. Because sometimes, the message in the bottle never reaches the inteded person.

Bed time~

"Some things can only be said NOW."

Ouchy

Playlist

Spell Magic by Acid Black Cherry

Nice song. I think hyde has good taste, because I was watching a programme about yasu from Acid Black Cherry, and he was talking about how he created ABC (I'm too tired to type out the name of the entire group every single time HAHA) from the advice of hyde. Its kinda obvious that yasu has a crush on hyde? Just like how Gackt like hyde too? I think everyone likes hyde because he is such a talented and lovable person. Anyway I have a lot of new songs to listen to, what with BREAKERZ and Acid Black Cherry joining my music library. Heehee, happy music days ahead...

I'm actually really tired because I have been at cheer camp for the past few days. So now I have a LOT of bruises and abrasions and all the muscle in my body are aching? Had a full body workout. We trained for about 10hours a day, which is actually more than the 6hours of interrupted sleep I had? So yes, utterly exhausted. The upside of all the stunting and working out is that my body is superbly toned now. I have nice arms, nice abs and decent looking legs! I know the muscle tone would not last past Sunday, but I feel good about myself? Who would not if they had been doing virtually nothing but exercise for the past 48hours or so? I could go for a beach shoot now and exude confidence. I guess I should work out more often. Sure, I will never be as skinny or as pretty many other girls, but at least I have a body that is fit and healthy? I could do without aching muscles, but it is a small price to pay for improving my poor self esteem. 

Oh yeah, my bruises are all over and ugly. I have a huge one on my right arm, quite a few on my shoulders, some on my legs and some on my back and chest and tummy. Yes, for the hundredth time, cheerleading is a scary sport that is totally not for the faint hearted. Damaging, dangerous and darn addictive. Sure, when your flyers suck and keep hurting you its no fun at all? I'm kicked, punched, stepped upon, scratched, bruised, sprained... The list goes on. Yesterday, I cried because my flyer was so lousy that on shoulder stand, she was bruising me. And she isn't exactly the lightest person around. And I held the position for near a minute as the others tried to convince her that it was safe to continue. I was keeping quiet because I really really wanted her to get the courage to move on, but she kept saying that she could not do it, and kept shifting her weight and... Yeah, the tears were flowing. I think I totally freaked everyone in the team out. In the end they carried her off, and I think I've convinced her that flying is a no go. For that I am truly apologetic, but when your stunts go up and come down beautifully, the sense of satisfaction is so immense I sort of forget all the injuries I've sustained? Every single tear shed and bruise sustained is worth it.

At this point in time? What I really want is a shoulder massage! My shoulders hurt so badly that I can barely lift my arm to type. I should really go for a spa massage. Or go for tui na or something along those lines. Shoulders are not used to carrying so much weight for a prolonged period of time... Sighs.

This is going to be a packed December holiday. I have quite a number of photo shoots pending, cheer practice continues at 3 times a week, just that we now need to add gym sessions to make sure that we build on our strength to accomplish more high level stunts. I have Comics Fiesta in Kuala Lumpur come mid December, and some work assignments. I have costumes to sew and props to make and repair. And I still have to prepare for school, map modules for exchange and continue with my Japanese lessons. Less stress to perform well for Japanese after this Sunday because JLPT will be over by then. On top of all these, I have a social life to keep up! Really wondering if I will have any time for personal development and me-time to relax. Contrary to popular belief, I am kind of introverted? Hanging out with too many people for too long makes me very tired, probably because of the emotional acting and dissonance? Yeah, the terminology creeps in. I think I have been studying too much for an extended period of time. Best part? Next semester I am taking 4 heavy modules and I have Nationals for cheer. I need to clear my photo shoots with Winter before she leaves for Australia as well. So many things to do and so little time, but I shall do my best? I really do not want any regrets when I look back and wonder why I did not put in more effort. Yes, it is tiring and difficult, and I would be blatantly lying if I told you I have never wanted to quit. I have wanted to throw in towel so many times, and I persevere on with sheer grit, determination and through my sense of duty and responsibility. Sometimes, even to me, it seems I am living in a whirlwind and everything is flying out of control. But somehow, I am moving along on a course and getting somewhere. Somehow. Of course I doubt I am as destructive as a whirlewind (I HOPE I am nowhere as destructive), but I guess to some I'm everywhere that it seems so messy, but I manage to keep going in a certain direction? I do my best. I really try to maximise and optimise whatever possible. Sure, I fail. Sure, I fall flat on my face and I grumble and complain. Nevertheless, I would think that I am happy with the way things are? Too much direction is restrictive. Too much vision is crippling. Too much certainty is paralysing.

I am hungry and thirsty. I think I lost too much water during the camp. I know I drank a lot, but I must have lost more water than what was replenished. No craving for anything salty, in fact, I want fruits! A watermelon would be yummy right about now.

Dinner time! I miss you loads?

"Life is not a zero sum game."

Cancer

Playlist

No Air by Glee Cast

I feel like I am drowning. The song title is kind of accurate in describing my current state. Not the part about pining, but more of being saddled with the weight of life.

Yeah, I am 20. No real responsibilities you may think. No worries. I am suppose to be in the prime of my life, carefree, happy, energetic and full of vigour. My reaction to this, is WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO BLUFF? And to everyone who thinks that post exams is equivalent to being happy and not stressed, please take a hard brick and smash it continuously against your head for being an utter moron. Who made exams the be all and end all of your life? There are things such as CCA. Such as politics. Such as external commitments. Such as work. Such as relationship issues. And more.

I have not had a single day of rest since my last exam paper. Even my rest day was made up of work in the morning. I have not had personal time since... I cannot remember when. I think it was before the semester. Somewhere in summer where I went to the library and read the day away. Which is easily 6 months ago. Half a year of running on adrenaline. Half a year of never-ending pressure to perform. Half a year of emotional dissonance. I think i'm going to go crazy soon.

I have not been blogging much I know. So many things that I wonder if I should say. Its as if every holidays, when others catch their breath I rush to move ahead. I should blame my father for this. I remember I had way more homework during the holidays than during the school term, which is why I came to like school. His idea was that I was slow and stupid, so I needed to catch up with my peers by working harder when others were playing away. The turtle concept. We're told its always better to be the turtle. But have people realised that the turtle is SLOW? They keep telling you to be steady and consistent, but how can you be a turtle if you are a high performer? You'll burn out. I'm not a high performer, and I can testify to that. Keep going fast and you'll die. Its a catch22. You can't go slow or you will die. You can't stop or you will die. Either way, you die if you so much as slack a little bit. What a horrid world we live in.

I know I have my emotional scars. Quite a lot of them in fact. I know I am consciously denying my subconscious. I know I'm going to break from all the nonsense I put myself through. And somehow everyone thinks it is good. Have you ever wondered what my real smile looks like? Not the stage smile I carry so well. Have you ever seen me really rest? People tell me its amazing how I can snap awake at the correct time without an alarm. I would like to ask this people, how well-rested do you think I am to do such a thing? Have you ever truly cared about me? Its not about the big things, but the little things. Things like remembering that I get hungry easily. Things like the days I have CCA. Things like arranging a meal with me, to my convenience. And more. These are just the very basic things. Yet, I can honestly, and very sadly say that NO ONE has ever been able to make me feel like they really care. Am I high maintenance? Maybe. Am I demanding? Probably. The thing is, if I can do it, why can't you?

Indeed, we are different people, but are we really so different? Is a bit of effort so much to ask for? Maybe I am the strange one for living my life to the convenience of others. Maybe I should become more selfish and less concerned with others. Maybe.

I don't trust you anymore you know? Because you betrayed me, when I thought you never would. Because you did the same thing to me that you did 5 years ago. Because we are going back to the beginning. because you hurt me withou thinking about it. I don't have many more pieces of my heart for you to break. Let me warn you, that the thing that kills a relationship is not hatred or fury. It is indifference. Your indifference is killing our link, and I am weary of being the one to salvage the situation. i am tired of all your excuses. This time, save us if I matter to you. Enough is enough.

I need a holiday.

"Burn away the cancer..."

Twenty

Playlist

眩暈 by SID

Its been a long time since I blogged. I will say I have been busy with my studies, but its partially an excuse because I always had the time to read manga, to sleep, to read, to run... So yes, I have the time to blog, but I guess I have not been in the mood to do so? So many things that I want to say, but the problem is that whenever I say it here on my blog, I read it and realise there are so many ways to interpret everything because there is no tone. And I think by now you should have realised that I have this teeny bad habit of making things slightly more exaggerated than they really are? In a way, that is totally me (yes, I am often told I am a drama queen), but if it is here onm,y blog and someone misinterprets it... I guess that is the risk that I take by writing anything here? Kaen told me about her interpretation of a post I blogged about a year ago... And it makes me laugh when I think she thinks I knew and I was trying to apologise to her. you will read this and pretend you never read it or I will kill you because our relationship might change but remember this: I feel the same way as you do. This is all that I am going to say. Anything else will be hilarious on epic proportions.

Yes, its that day. If you did not notice, either you do not have me as a friend on FaceBook or you don't care about me at all. FaceBook makes it so easy to remember. Just log in and on your homepage, my name is there. Click on it, it leads you to my profile, and all you need to do is write that two words on my Wall. And where is the sincereity in that I wonder? You have my phone number. You have my address. You could not be bothered to call? Or sms me? I know I am guilty of that too. it is just so easy and convenient! But I wonder, one day, will these people not even matter that much for me to call and talk for 5 seconds?

Ok, no more negativity. I admit I was happy to receive the well wishes, and I always will be. I'm not ungrateful. In these trying times, even if one person was to remember, it is an achievement indeed. So what if technology helped? Thank you, for remembering me through all these times. Love you~

This will end around here because I need to go back to studying for my exam paper. Last exam of the term tomorrow. I really want to go overseas, but since I cannot, I shall make do with what I have. Yes I love travelling, because I like the excitement of seeing new things and the randomness and unexpected nature of things. Sure, there are dangers aplenty, but does that stop the experience? Singapore is far too sterile for the development of a well rounded and street smart individual. I need the thrill of knowing that something may go haywire at any moment, the thrill of knowing you made it fine from blundering around. The knowledge that you get with experience. Stories from others can only do so much after all. Anyone wants to travel with me to Hong Kong or Taiwan? Or do you have a place to recommend for good food and fun? I like shopping too~

If only I could go to Japan. Sigh. One day I will get there. In the meantime, let us all work hard together. Nothing like the present~ Will blog more after today.

"Happy birthday~"

Samhain

Playlist

And so its that time of the year again. Where I look at the dates and wonder how in the world I will survive until the next year. Its a good thing I'm born in November, so I have more things to look forward to at the end of the year. I have no idea how I will survive the end of the year if I was born in any other month. There would be nothing to tide me past the onslaught of exams and the culmination of projects and reports and the other hundred and one other things that make our existance on this sad and dreary planet even sadder and more dreary.

Last year was spent in the sad embrace of my Financial Accounting paper. This year? Not much better, Business Processes. And the best part is that I have a paper the very next day as well. So there is no real way that I can celebrate it with my friends or family unless I was to pre-date or postpone the celebration. But really, its a really really sad feeling to know that you have an exam on your birthday and that it only gets worse because you have an exam the very next day as well. And the day before. And that all your friends are far to absorbed in trying to overcome the exam monster to pay any heed to you. Sighs.

I wonder what I will be doing this time next year. If I had my way, I would in studying for my exams in japan. Its an expensive and taxing way to go, I know, so I do not have much hope. I guess I have big dreams and small expectations. Perhaps I learnt this from my family, where my dad always told me to dream big and expect small so that the crushing of my tiny hopes is nothing compared to destroying my big ambitions. Yet, no matter what, it never feels good to have your desires stolen from you. Nothing that is taken from you ever feels good when its being taken.

Quite tired. Peak period, where the reports are all due and your presenattions are strung together. Exams are upcoming, and I'm the new president for my CCA. The pressure is starting to get to me. I need to do well. I expect a lot from myself I guess, but I always doubt my own ability to deliver. Which is rather paralysing if I wasn't quite so tough. Its really a vicious kind of mindset. You want great grades, you want great things. You want to make a name and leave an impact. You want to make an impression and leave a legacy. Yet, you seriously doubt your own capability. The doubts tear at your defenses. You keep dreaming, but you can feel yourself waking up. You think it is all an illusion, and the wind will blow away the smoke and incense that creates your fantasy. You're riddled with holes, and everything bores down on your self-confidence. Of course, you must smile through everything. Of course, you always say that you are fine and you make a joke to lighten the scenario. Well, at least you try to lighten the circumstances.

The weight of desire. No one ever says anything about it. People talk about the weight od expectations. As if everything is external, and if left to your devices, you'd be happy and contented and safe in your little world. So wrong. So narrow. So stupid. People have desires, and these desires are a burden. yeah, sure, its external and whatever. But there are people, like me, who want these things on their own accord. Where you're not content with being envious. I'm greedy. I will work for it. I want it, and I must get it. I am content, but I want to be more contented.

What a contradiction I am...

Welcome to November.

"The thirst that no amount of liquid will quench."

Inside

Playlist


Telephone by Glee Cast


I think I'm seething inside. On the surface I am still able to function and smile and laugh and prattle about insignificant things to make people happy, but inside I'm a wreck. I do know how I feel inside. Like duh. I have a pretty good relationship with myself. I know when I feel like crap. I know when I feel happy. I know when everything is in a mess and the only reason I function is through sheer grit and force of will. I guess I've been in worse straits. I guess I've fallen lower. This isn't rock bottom. Not yet anyway. I'll do my best to never get there? But sometimes your emotions don't function the way you want them to? In fact, they rarely ever do? So yes. Don't ask me if I'm okay. The answer is very obviously NO. But I'll live. I'll freaking yank myself out of this rut. I'll get up, even if I get hurt. Yeah, it would hurt to the high heavens and I'd cry, but I'm going to get up. Help pull me up if you're a friend. I refuse to let myself give up. I refuse to give others a reason a reason to say I'm weak. I refuse to let the situation become a disaster of epic proportions.


I'm not a strong person. I'm indifferent to things and people that don't matter, but once it matters I'm super lousy against it. No resistance, because I tend to give more then I get. A lot of space to get hurt. Which might be the reason why I'm not in a romantic relationship? I think I'll be crying forever if I get into a romantic relationship. So my brain, with whatever brain cells left from what school did not manage to kill, automatically rejects people. I put people into safe categories and with this nice label, I'm safe. I won't let anyone progress past this. Of course, anyone who knows me well knows I'm super duper curious. And that I like to play and experiment. And I like to play with dangerous things. I think I have a minor case of split personality or something. I know it has a high chance of going south of ruining my life. Nevertheless, I'll still go back for more. I'd still try and play. I don't gamble; I just play. Its not just money. Its the intangible things that I play with, the things that you can't quantify. Which might be why I'm in cheer.


I'm a base/back spot. I don't mind? I'd like to fly too though. It looks freaking exciting. Yes, I saw people break their noses. The abrasions. The wounds. Coming down from 2 metres in the air to land on your head. Sprained wrists. Sprained ankles. Knees slammed against the floor. Scratches, cuts... I think cheer is way more dangerous than any other sport mankind can ever imagine. Sport. I'm not talking about cliff-diving and bungee-jumping. These aren't sports. You can't really compete I think? Yeah. I need adrenaline. Maybe because I'm burying parts of myself to conform to society and the demands of daily life. I need an avenue of expression, where I can just do something that is stupid and dangerous. Cheer is both. No matter what anyone tells you, cheer is stupid because it encourages you to put your life onto the hands of others in the name of sport. DUMB.


Sigh. The more I think about this the more I feel like I should take action. Yet, I have no idea of what action I should take. If I do the wrong thing I would probably hit my head against the wall repeatedly in exasperation at my stupidity. Life is scary.


"You knew I was free but you couldn't be bothered."

Lessons

Playlist

踊れ by Micro

I've been in a whole herd of CCAs in my twelve years of formal education and two years in university. And its not like they are all of the same type. Sports, arts, clubs... I've probably been in every type of CCA, with the exception of uniformed groups and those business CCAs. Then again those are considered clubs? Yeah. I've seen a lot of group dynamics, and I think I've learnt a lot. Life lessons I think. Things that the classroom never really teaches you. Things that have to do with organization structure and people relations. And things that tell you more about yourself.

In primary school, my first CCA was Library Club. I assure you it was fun until I wiped the 15th shelf and sorted the 200th book. The teacher in charge was super strict, and we were not allowed to read during club hours. I promptly gave up once I heard that. No point doing cleaning work if I couldn't indulge in my favourite pastime no? The first thing I realised: I was only willing to work for a benefit. 

After that I joined Tennis, and was in Tennis until secondary school. I was never a very consistent player, so I was not in the school team. I was not bad at Tennis, I just got bored of it very quickly. I felt like a dog chasing after a ball, and I disliked having to constantly pick up balls whenever it went out of court. Training in secondary school was very tough. Warm ups were on average 3km runs. Followed by reps to improve coordination and strength. Physical training was killer. More running. Jumping. Numerous exercises. And this was on top of Physical Education in school and jogging sessions. I think I was superbly fit in secondary school. The second thing I learnt: Failing means you have to work more. I can do well, I just need to be motivated. And I think the most important thing was that to improve, a lot of time, effort, sheer hard work, muscle aches, sweat and tears needs to be invested.

Tennis was also the first time I was in contact with the 'popular' clique and hierarchy. It was silly to me, that the seniors get to drink water and got to rest after training, while the juniors had to clean up the court and pack up. To me, everyone used the courts, so everyone should pack. All of us had hands and feet; we could draft a schedule or something and everyone could contribute. I met two of my very good friends in secondary school in Tennis, one a good tennis player, and the other a classmate. The 3 of us were ostracised in the team, because we were not pretty or rich (yes, tennis is a rich person's sport) and obviously, were not 'in'. I think I was left alone because I was a rebel and deviant. People could not predict what I would say or do, so they gave me wide berth. My friends? They were just ignored because they were quieter. It was pretty annoying, because they were nice people (unlike me) and were feeling super lonely. And this taught a few more things: I don't subscribe well to hierarchy. I tend to hang out with the underdogs. And people are mean.

I was also in Audio Visual/ Public Announcement Club in secondary school. Started as a school appointment for my class, and I stayed on for four years. Oh I learnt a lot about politicking from this CCA. The stakes were smaller, so people were more petty. Control was a big thing, and the keys to all the various stores were a physical manifestation of that power everyone wanted so much. It was important to teach the juniors how to use the expensive equipment, so equipment trainings were a big part of club activities. After AV, I know how to wind wires properly, how to test a microphone, how to set up a microphone stand, how to operate stage lighting, how to operate stage curtains, how to operate basic music controls, how to make an announcement in school, how to laminate, how to use walkie talkies... A lot knowledge that you are unlikely to ever use again. More than that, I learnt that the backstage people are people you should never piss off if you want good service. I learnt that AV people are the first to arrive and the last to leave. I learnt how to run across the school carrying heavy equipment, up flights of stairs and to set up in record time. I learnt how to disappear into the background, and that keys are very important assets. I learnt that all the people on stage are useless without us.

I was given the honour of being part of the Outdoor Adventure Club. It was a pretty big thing in secondary school? The five most promising students from each CCA was nominated to apply, where you go through camps and trainings to be finally selected to be part of this elite CCA cum school appointment thing. You learnt to set up obstacle courses, set up a campfire, perform first aid and much more. It was run like a semi- uniformed group CCA, and all the uniformed groups' students and school counsellors and peer helpers wanted to be in it? And this jellyfish made it through. Somehow. HAHA. My uniformed groups' friends were furious when they realised I was selected to participate. I remember what they said that day, "Why is someone like you selected?!". I suppose to them, I was undisciplined, a rebel and totally lacking as a 'leader'. Not suitable, but I made it. Only one in three were selected and I made it in. Only the very best of each CCA (I was sent by AV, part of a ballot, the sheer blasphemy I know), and I made it in. Sure, I wasn't highly ranked. Sure, I was not in the most fantastic department. But I made it in, and I know so many who were in shock that I managed to get in, both my seniors, peers and juniors. Too bad~ I think I did pretty well? My juniors liked me, the group I was in charge of did well, everything was fine and dandy. And yes. I learnt that destroying stereotypes and building your own path could be fun. I learnt that yelling at people would not necessary get them to work. And more than that, I learnt that hierarchy was just a paper leash. I was just going in the same direction that I was guided upon.

Something made me sign up for Chinese Dance in junior college and I was so busy I had no time to join anything else. I have no prior dance experience and I somehow made it through the audition. And I made it into the performing team for the Singapore Youth Festival Central Judging. Maybe it was my natural flexibility, maybe the dance teacher liked my face or I was just super lucky. Of course it was hard work. During peak performance periods, such as Chinese New Year, College Day, National Day and other competitions and performances, we had dance sessions near 6 times a week, Monday to Saturday, and each session was a minimum of three hours. I had zero dance experience, and I somehow survived all these. Every dance was me starting at zero and working my way up. Sheer hard work. I needed to build my foundations from scratch where others had been dancing since they were three years old. Definitely at a disadvantage. And I made it. And some of my friends and juniors only found out when I graduated that I had no dance experience. I know one senior was in shock when she found out while we were talking during stretching exercises. Its like someone with no music background joining band. Like me joining band. HURHUR. So I established that with hard work and a wee bit of talent, you can achieve what others take for granted. If you do your research and throw yourself into learning, you can do anything you want to. I learn stage make up, and found out how much effort goes into that 6 minutes of glamour on the stage. I moved from backstage to centre stage. In dance, no matter how great you were, unless you were dancing a solo, the moment anyone made a mistake, you had to repeat the entire thing again. I learnt to talk with my eyes, my face, my hands, my gestures and my body. I learnt to plaster a smile on my face even when I was giddy with exhaustion and creating more bruises with every time I knelt on the floor in a performance.

And now in university? Cheerleading. As a base. None of the glamour in the air, but hard work on the ground doing tossing, catching, spotting. I'm collecting bruises at a rate where they increase faster than they heal. I've had knee problems, wrist problems, sprains, bleeding lips, cuts on my face... What are a few bruises? No pom-poms, just plenty of sweat and muscle aches. I've watched my peers quit one by one. I've seen new people join for the pseudo social status and perks and misconceived preconception that it was about looking pretty. And when they see how much work it is, they leave, disappointed it isn't as easy as they thought it would be. Too bad~

I guess I've learnt that hard work plays an important role. And that luck is necessary too. Sometimes, I really think luck is a skill as well because things don't come easily without luck. Not that they come easily even with luck, as you need to invest a measure of effort. The main idea is that you really need some luck or you'd get nothing. Luck makes things happen and gives you the result you desire. If you don't have luck, you'd be fighting against the tide and just get swept away to the open sea, further and further away from land and salvation. I know this isn't the clearest paragraph I have ever typed, but yes, it is supposed to be this way and I'm also sleepy and tired and fighting to keep awake. So I shall end this here rather prematurely.

I will keep fighting. I will keep hoping. I will keep trying. I will keep going. I cannot live in a world where I have nothing to strive for. I cannot live in a world where I am a failure. I cannot live in a world where every breath I take is a reminder of how useless I am. I will motivate myself to persevere. This is not the end of the road, not by a long shot.

"I hate rejection."

Disappear

Playlist

Beautiful Hangover by BIG BANG

Its Week 10 in my school and I have every intention of running away and never coming back. From my school work. From my CCA. From my friends. From everything and everyone and anything and anyone. I think some of you are beginning to feel it. You barely see me around. You hardly see me online. I'm not that responsive when you SMS or MSN me. I'm content not to say anything. I'm constantly listening to music. In short, its as if my body is around somewhere and my mind is 30,000 leagues under the sea. Which is true in a way. I need to get away.

I wonder what would happen if I was to disappear? How long would it take before anyone noticed that I was no longer around? How long would it take people to look for me? How long would it take for people to know why I disappeared? I think my school mates will never notice. They would just wonder where I am and say that they've yet to see me for a while, but to actually realise that I was gone and search me out? I think it would never happen. At most they'd go around and say that I'm a heartless gal for not looking for them, but I don't expect them to start hunting high and low for me. Just not done. We've no real connection anyway. Closer friends would think that I was busy with school work and wait for me to look for them. And they will wait. And wait. And if I still donot contact them, they will think I've gotten bored with them and moved on. They'd just move on and somethimes will wonder what I'm doing. I think that is about it. In a relationship, I'm always the more proactive party. So if I was to disappear? I think the relationship would just come crashing down. I have no expectations of the people I hang around with. It would take a minor miracle for them to seek me out and ask me out for a day of revelry. I have to be the one arranging everything. Its either me arranging, or we can all live on in the shell that is our commute between school and home or work and home. Nothing would happen. Everything built would just be eroded by time and they wouldn't bother to upkeep and do any maintenance.

Depressing thoughts for depressing times. People always tell me that they are busy, but I refuse to accept this excuse. You can always make time. Its just what you think is important to you. If FaceBook is important you would be on Facebook every waking hour, even though it reduces your productiveity by about half? Its all a matter of perspective and your priorities. How long does it take to write me a note? How long does it take to send a SMS? How long does it take to type me an email? Oh well. I'm tired of coercing people to give me their time and attention. I'm tired of just giving in a relationship. I'm tired of always being the one who has to entertain all the time. I'm not a freaking clown. When I screw up people get annoyed with me, when all I am doing is trying to make you happy. And If I don't do it, they think I'm throwing a tantrum. Surface acting all the way. What is the point of having friends if their company leaves you feeling bitter? 

Sleepy. I'm getting about 6 hours of sleep everyday, which is a bit less than decent but still alright. Nevertheless I'm utterly exhausted at the end of the day. I wonder why. Something not quite right with my current state. It might be because none of my final projects are finalised. It might be because I need to make a solo presentation next Thursday and I have absolutely no idea of what to speak on. I have no real passion. Inside I'm all cold and dead, and my presentation needs to be a kind of change that I am passionate about. The hardest thing on earth is talking about something you cannot understand. I don't understand true passion. I understand habits. I understand routine. I understand psychology. I understand everything on a very clinical level though. Its really hard to feel. Because somewhere along the way. My heart gave up.

"The things that don't hurt you are the things that we take for granted."

Face

Playlist

REDRUM by VAMPS

Sometimes, I get really annoyed when people assume I am from China. Technically, I am Chinese, but I am Singaporean Chinese. Its like how people from Taiwan or Malaysia or Indonesia are first and foremost a citizen of their country before being Chinese. Not that I dislike Chinese or anything, I really like Chinese culture, but I don't like the stereotypes that come attached. I have a very oriental face, and everyone immediately assumes I'm from the mainland and some country bumpkin at that.

To begin with, it is hardly fair to stereotype everyone from a certain country, and as someone who suffers from it? I can tell you that its is very unpleasant. I have people who never speak to me in any language other than Mandarin, even though they are struggling to construct a coherent sentence. Its only after I ask why they keep trying to speak chopped Mandarin to me, in English, that they realise I can actually understand them in English. And the look on their faces is one of embarrassment desperately hidden under a sheepish laugh. But what about those who do not commit language faux pas that needs correcting? I've found out from my seniors that for 3 months, where they saw me 3 times a week, they were convinced I was not worth working with because I was from China, and they were speculating why a foreign student would want to join the team. When I found out, I gave my most normal smile and told them I wasn't Chinese (meaning from China), but I was an Inuit on exchange because I wanted to see durian trees instead of polar bears.

The people who are biased against me will probably never read this, but I LOVE MY FACE. I love my single eyelids that allow me to spam eyeliner. I love my button nose that isn't broken as easily because of my low nose bridge. I love my cheeks that I can easily puff up to look like a chinchilla to make my friends laugh when they are upset. Sure, I like double eyelids, sharper noses and high cheekbones? But what does it do for me? Easier to apply make up, more photogenic... Less teasing? I'm not even sure of the last part. Grating on my nerves to suffer such indignation but I think I'm not change anything anytime soon.

And on the topic of countries and assumptions and nerves, another ridiculous thing I encounter is the mistaken belief that learning a language for near 2 years will give you mastery over it. The flip side is similarly annoying, where they think they know some phrase and keep using it, and try to show off to you. Unless that person is a freaking GENIUS, I don't think this is even remotely possible to master a language in 2 years. The good ones can achieve a decent level of proficiency. The normal people, like me, are able to read basic words, say basic GRAMMATICAL sentences, and can understand a decent amount of conversation. So please stop asking me things like, "What does Sakae/ Ichiban/ Sushi Tei/ Hanabi/ etc mean? Why do they call it that?" Its a NAME of a restaurant, how the hell will I know why they chose it? So superby annoying. And I abhor people who, somehow somewhere, picked up a Japanese phrase and insist that it means something it doesn't and that I'm wrong. EXCUSE ME. "Ittadakimasu" is used as a greeting before eating, NOT ON THE PHONE. You don't go, " Ittadakimasu, Lee desu." Say that on the phone and I will laugh my lungs out. Honest.

When will people stop being so arrogant? A bit of knowledge and they are oh-so-eager to show off. Its like saying you know everything about the ocean from your primary school science textbook. There is so much more than meets the eye. Scraping the bottom of the barrel and claiming to understand everything on top. There is so much I do not know, and I'm not afraid of acknowledging this weakness. Weaknesses are to be overcome, strengths are to be maintained. Life's like this. And you cannot improve unless you admit that you are weak in a certain area and willing to learn. So frustrating. Not like I'm willing to teach such irritating people anyway. I'd rather help those who are willing to help themselves. Rather than those who are just asking for the sake of asking. I shall just smile and give them a cursory answer to keep them out of my socks.

Killer week is approaching. Let's just say I am beginning to regret the decision I made 8 weeks ago. Oh well. What can I do? Make the best of the situation and hope its satisfactory. No, I am not fatalistic. I'm just pragmatically trying to reduce my tears and pain.

"Sneaking out of my cage, I'm gonna play more!"

Catch

Playlist

Dress by BUCK-TICK

First week back in school after a pseudo one week break where I was in school every single day except Wednesday. All my mid terms are over, so unless there is a pop quiz, I won't be completing another test until November when its the finals. Some of the Mid Term class participation grades have been released, and I seriously need to buck up. I'm in the bottom half of the class, and I need to improve or my GPA will suffer this semester. I really really want to go on exchange to Waseda, so I need to work harder. Yeah, I was stupid to take 5.5 modules this semester when my internship and exchange rests on this semester's results. Nevertheless its a bit useless and late to cry over spilt milk, so all I can do is let the cat drink the milk? In short I'm going to go all out to make sure that I make the best of the situation. Yeah, the power of positive thinking.

Kinda stressed out. Blogging to keep my mood in check. I will probably become slightly more depressed after this entire post is over, but its okay. I need a wake up call. No more mucking about trying to pass time and minimise the suffering. I ought to hit the books, make sure my projects are all A grade worthy and ACE THIS FREAKING SEMESTER. A lot of future tense I know, but I think it is obvious I am trying to psych myself up to make the best out of this semester. I don't have much time left, so optimisation is key. I can hear the desperation and despair creeping in. Sigh.

I wonder if its me being sensitive or its that its happening more frequently. I have this nagging suspicion that its happening more frequently. I may be overreacting an exaggerating a wee bit, but I think a large portion can be attributed to a greater occurrence of annoyances. Maybe its the people I'm hanging out with nowadays. Not my old friends from school, but people I've met within this year. And they don't know me at all. All they see is what I choose to show them in my school persona, and they arrive at ridiculous conclusions from the small amount of time I've spent with them. Really silly but if there's one thing that I have come to realise, it is often the little things that make life hellish. The little insidious comments. The negative rumours and demeaning stereotypes. The things whispered amongst their clique when you're not around, and the acronyms to hide the identity of the person when its already an open secret. Sigh. Politics. Gossip. Jealousy. Viciousness. And that dash of ego and streak of meanness. People.

Blasting music is therapeutic. Studying in school is a necessity. Eating less is probably better for my health. Exercising is good for my self esteem. One day I hope to be free of constraints.

"Like the wind, like the clouds, like the starts, like the moon..."

Flaw

Playlist

Strange by Kerli

I believe there is kismet. And I think I should stop listening to sad songs when I'm in a bad mood. It only serves to amplify the anger and sadness I feel into epic proportions. I need to listen to something like REVOLUTION. Or Brilliant Snow. Something more upbeat and positive. All my playlist is giving me is stuff like Strange, Raison D'Etre and other sad stuff. I need to create mood playlists instead of just shuffling everything.

Was in a bad mood at first, but I think I'm feeling better. I was not consciously aware about why I was in a bad mood? Think it is a side effect of all the Literature classes that I paid attention in. All the books I read and had intense reflection about. Too reflective for my own good. Creating my own self fulfilling prophecies. And I hasten my demise as I start on my downward spiral of negativity and pain. Sighs. The problem with people like me. You live each moment so intensely that its a pain. Happiness is so rich that you get dizzy. Sadness so heart wrenching that your tears never end. Anger so blood churning you act and don't remember a thing, only to see the aftermath. And when you are depressed? You can feel yourself sinking to a place beyond darkness. The higher you go, the harder you fall. And if you work at it, the higher you bounce back too. Not that this way of life is recommended. You go a wee bit nuts after a while. Human kind isn't built for these extreme mood changes. I think your brain goes a bit kooky from all the sudden hormonal differences.

I observe I'm at that age where everyone starts asking about whether I'm in an relationship? I understand that these friends and relatives mean well, what with wanting me out of the house and clearing the fridge less often and dealing with less of my idiosyncrasies... But most unfortunately, the answer is no. In fact, I think I will be a HORRIBLE girlfriend. So I am in no real hurry to get attached? Not that I am likely to, with me being slightly insane, super dramatic and lazy. Not the type that people are generally attracted to. I know, and I'm okay with this? In some crazy, obscure, lazy and frightening way, I actually want to grow old with a few cats in a rickety chair? But of course there is this part that gets a wee bit lonely and all, but its quickly engulfed in the hassles of day to day living. I really don't have the spare brain capacity to WORRY about this. Just passing thoughts in the ocean of my mind. I guess at some point or another you realise you'll never be Number One to anyone and its alright to just be one of the crowd. There's no one I really like anyway? Not inclusive of my shrine and all the random stuff in my room that stares back at me. (You should know what i mean HAHA). Knowing me, if I really liked someone I would pounce on them and NEVER let them go? HAHA. Not so viscerally, but yeah. Those who know me well will understand. Sink thy claws and hope to draw blood.

Is my blog too lengthy? A friend mentioned that reading my blog is like crawling through an essay. And apparently, she has bad memories of essays. I would make it shorter, except that I think I will have 5 shorts posts to replace this one longer post. Ridiculous, so the length will remain unless many have difficulty? Something along the lines of the train of thought, and since I can sit in front of the screen for nearly an hour to compose this, spending 10 minutes to read this should not be a huge problem? Yes, it is not effortless to type a post of this length, contrary to popular belief. 4 paragraphs of text do not just automatically type itself, no matter what you might have been led to believe. If you don't have the patience to read this you can always saunter over to my Tumblr. I assure you that everything there is short. And for those who need pictures and videos to be pictorially and kinaesthetically stimulated, there are plenty of those there too. I try not to type for more than 5 minutes for my Tumblr. Those on Tumblr tend to have a shorter attention span (of course this is an unfounded, completely biased personal opinion); something lengthy would kill their brain cells I believe. So yes. This blog will remain wordy. HAHA.

 

"Without flaws, I would be boring."

Recess

Playlist

Roulette by TETSUYA

2 months since I finally had some time all to myself. No books. No laptop. No mugging and pouring over half understood notes. Life is good. Went to trim my hair. Most of the dry ends are gone and I'm a happy girl that it looks way less like STRAW and DRIED GRASS. HAHA. After that had my long awaited shopping trip with StarF. Was going to wear the dress I bought in Hong Kong, but was irritated to realise that the material was thinner than expected. My monochrome theme turned into a denim theme. Oh well. Met at Wisma's food court and I had three bowls of mango pomelove sago. 3 bowls. Not fantastic, but I was in a mango mood so it was fine. Went over to Far East after that. Its been a long long time since I went there. Bought a pair of shorts from the stall I got my leather jacket from. The uncle is a fantastic sales person, and he totally knows what to recommend. Its really hard for me to buy shorts because of my bottom heavy body shape, but he took one look at me and recommended something that I liked and looked good in. After that I got a shirt, 2 belts and we walked around trying formal shoes... It got boring pretty fast even with a break for tea at Han's. I guess Far East really isn't cheap nor special enough for me to keep at it. We went back to Wisma for Famous Amos and to find FaceShop. Apparently every single FaceShop in the whole of Singapore had run out of nail polish remover. Tried 313 Somerset as well to no avail. In the end I gave up and bought remover from Guardian.

Discovered something new about myself yesterday night. It was my grandma's birthday celebration. At Tung Lok Signatures at Central Clarke Quay. The food was decent I suppose, but nothing exceptional. Dessert was good, the service staff were nice, but I think overall was just decent. For the price? I think the money could have been better spent. Not that I am complaining, I had a good time. The thing is, I tried red wine with no allergic reaction! Either I've outgrown it... Or it was something else that I've been reacting to all along. I liked the wine we had. Sweet. I might actually come to like wine? Will upload a few photos on FaceBook when I'm in the mood to do so. Only took pictures of the things that were interesting and/or yummy. Some were the standard Chinese restaurant dishes so I could not be bothered.

Was suppose to go to Yt's birthday, but my grandma's dinner took much too long. The distance was too great for me to conveniently go over. I feel kind of bad? She bothered to call and ask me to go over to her house for her 21st party and I was a no show. The present was with me the whole day, but I think I was too tired to keep at it past 1030pm. The dinner took 3.5 hours, and by the time we went to the bathroom and all? I was leaving the restaurant with my parents at 11pm. Good thing I did not attend, because by the time I got home and showered I was nearly dead on my feet. Went to bed at midnight. Could barely keep my eyes open. I was supposed to talk to Manwi, but my body could barely keep me awake, much less fangirl. Sorry~

Woke up late today. First thing I did was to do research for my project. Seems like my 3 days turned into 1 day. Not that I can do anything. Friday was spent making my assignment better. Sunday was already used to research for my BP project. The start of my To-Do List:

1) Catch up with MA homework (I'm only at Week3)

2) Revise for MA test next Monday

3) Research MA project

4) Interview my Dad for MPW

5) BP business plan

6) Revise Ethics

7) MC speech idea

Those are the school work related stuff. Below are other things that I need to do:

1) Sew Medusa beads

2) Spray props

3) Collect Sakuya (look for Sakuya's shoes)

4) Research locations for Medusa

5) Prepare for KL trip

I look at this and I feel stressed. Sigh. Why is it that the older I get, the more I feel like time is always running out?

"Run run run away... Run til you can touch the sky with your hands... Run til you get your dreams..."

Grass

Playlist

cosmetic by SID

YES! FREEDOM!

I think school is great because it teaches you to appreciate the rare off days that you don't have any work due. No classes. No need to go to school. No assignments due in the next 3 days. No readings to be done in the next 4 days. No projects due in the next 5 days. Its a kind of paradise after the hectic mess that was Week 6 and 7, what with me falling ill with flu AND food poisoning. There were presentations, tests, classes, assignments due... All over until another week. Recess week is for stocking up on sleep, buying time and trying to prevent fires instead of the usual fire fighting. After 2 semesters in school, I already know that time will pass way to fast during recess and I'll soon be running in my school life cycle treadmill again. Nevertheless, its good to be able to sleep well knowing that you don't have to run after the bus and chase elusive deadlines and trudge your sorry way to school come rain or shine or flooding.

I need to cut my hair. The ends look like dried grass. Brown. And dry. Dried grass. Its kinda kinky as well because of all the knots I've gotten into it. My hair is rebonded, so any knots in my hair are stuck permanently as kinks. Only way to remove kinks is to cut. And I really do want to cut. Its at a length that it keeps getting caught with my bag, that I accidentally pull it when I wake up in the morning, that I accidentally slap people behind me when I turn my head, that is super heavy when wet, that some idiots can easily grab and mess up (as if they are still in primary school), that take forever for me to wash in the shower... I think its quite obvious that it is starting to get on my nerves. I have very little patience for the inconveniences of life. And my hair is doing nothing but adding to it. I need it long to finish up my photoshoot, but the way its growing out and the way its annoying me? If my mood hits and I'm not careful I'm just going to hack it off. I can imagine the headache its going to cause, so I think I'm just going to trim it a wee bit before it gets out of hand. Maybe tomorrow. Just a bit shorter. Give my neck a bit of a rest.

So many things happening over the next few days. Long awaited shopping trip with StarF. Birthday party of my granny and a friend. I want to start on my costume. Spray painting. Anything and everything but hitting the books. I need a break and I'm going to give myself the break. Of course I'm going to sleep more too. My poor body has not have the time to rest and recuperate. This gal needs about an average of 8 hours to be happy. Anything less than that and all the symptoms of stress starts to accumulate. Sure I still function fine, just that I am not at my peak? Needs rest. Rest~

Oh yeah. There was someone who seriously pissed me off. Lets call this person A for the sake of protecting those who are still nice and kind and innocent and unaware of the stinking bitch she is. I mean, she's not the kind of person that those will use the 5 letter word to describe, but she really is one. Underneath that cute-sy and slightly blur facade is one conniving hell of a pest. I don't usually defame people on my blog to such an extent, so she really is something for me to just go all out. She doesn't read this blog, and has never known about this blog and is likely to NEVER get to know about this from me. I used to think she was okay. Used to be okay with her. But the more I see how she does things, I can't help but think she's really a super BITCH. The things she says of others smacks of hypocrisy. Jealous, possessive, two-faced, rude, unkind... She's really smart and nice to the people she likes, so most don't realise what a horrible person she is. She's nice to me so far, but the way she is constantly complaining about others and bitching about them makes me seriously wonder about the awful things she might be saying behind my back. I'm not her best friend. She's not my best friend. We've known each other for barely a year. We've hardly worked together. And yet all the stuff she tells me about others are bordering on private. I wouldn't tell a mere acquaintance about intimate details in a friend's relationship. I wouldn't ask for special favours from an acquaintance. Its almost shameless how she tries to make use of others, and thinks I'll just go along with her. And everyone falls for that girl-next-door smile and happy laugh.

Someone help me find the person I was, the person who believed in righteousness, justice, love and truth. I can't find her anymore. Its not darkness. Its chaos. In the noise and colours and the mess of everyday, where did my true self go?

"Happy Children's Day"

Futility

Playlist

奈落 by The GazettE

I have no idea why this is making me angry but it is. I know I made things clear, much to the chagrin of my friends with respect to how I did it. (Oh come on, you've known me for so long you should know full well how I operate.) I guess this is just me. I never thought I would be one of those straight laced people who needs every thing in nice little cubby-holed categories. Well, it seems like I am. Within the boundaries of each category, I give plenty of wriggle room? You can do whatever you want as long as you don't ride over to the other category. Its NOT ok to go into the other category. Anything else but that is fine. That category is reserved for the special people who have managed to get there. Its like how I let my best friend get away with making me wait for 3 hours without a valid reason. Anyone else would get punched in the gut. Or I'd just go home and you can forget about ever seeing me again. For her? Well, we're still best friends. I think I sort of threw a tantrum. But otherwise I'm okay? Unless you're my best friend, please don't expect to get the same treatment.

ARGH. So yes I am ANGRY. The only reason why this is on my blog instead of me flying over to sucker punch people is because I don't want to make a mess of things. The very fact that I'm even reacting enough to have a blog post about this just goes to show how absolutely affected I am. Its not what was said. It is when it was said. And how it was said. It could have just ended prematurely. YOU ARE IN THE FREAKING WRONG CATEGORY. Get in line to apply to be a Fishy and we'll see how things go. You don't get to the Fishy stage, you don't get the right to say what you will about me to anyone and everyone!

This is a bad bad BAD way of using my blog. Its not suppose to be a public arena where I air my grievances about the annoying little people who make my day bad and smear my reputation across the floor of the sewage and plumbing with the crazy stupid little rumours and innuendos that they have nothing better to do but say. I have more pressing things to do. I have cannons to spray paint. I have 600 beads to sew. I have tests to study for. I have reports to write. I have paperwork that needs to be filed. I have clothes to iron. I have my room to pack. I have SO MANY THINGS TO DO. I do not want to be thinking of nonsensical pranks as well!

Or is that your aim? To somehow make me think about all this even after everything that was said? If its true, I have three words. Exercise in futility. We all know that nothing can come to pass. Not that I'm being negative or positive or 'not giving people a chance'. Just think of it rationally. Its not that I'm against anything, but honestly? If it was for real I would deal with it differently. But if its all a game? I'm not playing. Let's make this clear once and for all.

"My greatest weakness is my greatest strength"

College

Playlist

Follow Me by BIGBANG

This is something I stumbled upon on Facebook. I know most people don't bother to click on links, but I make it a point to do so if it seems interesting and a) not a photo b) not another lame video c) atypical.

This is an excerpt from the MIT Admissions blog. Quite meaningful. Do read! Its the 50 things you should take note in college. Some are not that relevant, but I think most makes sense. Enjoy~

Here goes...

1. Your friends will change a lot over the next four years. Let them.
2. Call someone you love back home a few times a week, even if just for a few minutes.
3. In college more than ever before, songs will attach themselves to memories. Every month or two, make a mix cd, mp3 folder, whatever - just make sure you keep copies of these songs. Ten years out, they'll be as effective as a journal in taking you back to your favorite moments.
4. Take naps in the middle of the afternoon with reckless abandon.
5. Adjust your schedule around when you are most productive and creative. If you're nocturnal and do your best work late at night, embrace that. It may be the only time in your life when you can.
6. If you write your best papers the night before they are due, don't let people tell you that you "should be more organized" or that you "should plan better." Different things work for different people. Personally, I worked best under pressure - so I always procrastinated... and always kicked ass (which annoyed my friends to no end). ;-) Use the freedom that comes with not having grades first semester to experiment and see what works best for you.
7. At least a few times in your college career, do something fun and irresponsible when you should be studying. The night before my freshman year psych final, my roommate somehow scored front row seats to the Indigo Girls at a venue 2 hours away. I didn't do so well on the final, but I haven't thought about psych since 1993. I've thought about the experience of going to that show (with the guy who is now my son's godfather) at least once a month ever since.
8. Become friends with your favorite professors. Recognize that they can learn from you too - in fact, that's part of the reason they chose to be professors.
9. Carve out an hour every single day to be alone. (Sleeping doesn't count.)
10. Go on dates. Don't feel like every date has to turn into a relationship.
11. Don't date someone your roommate has been in a relationship with.
12. When your friends' parents visit, include them. You'll get free food, etc., and you'll help them to feel like they're cool, hangin' with the hip college kids.
13. In the first month of college, send a hand-written letter to someone who made college possible for you and describe your adventures thus far. It will mean a lot to him/her now, and it will mean a lot to you in ten years when he/she shows it to you.
14. Embrace the differences between you and your classmates. Always be asking yourself, "what can I learn from this person?" More of your education will come from this than from any classroom.
15. All-nighters are entirely overrated.
16. For those of you who have come to college in a long-distance relationship with someone from high school: despite what many will tell you, it can work. The key is to not let your relationship interfere with your college experience. If you don't want to date anyone else, that's totally fine! What's not fine, however, is missing out on a lot of defining experiences because you're on the phone with your boyfriend/girlfriend for three hours every day.
17. Working things out between friends is best done in person, not over email. (IM does not count as "in person.") Often someone's facial expressions will tell you more than his/her words.
18. Take risks.
19. Don't be afraid of (or excited by) the co-ed bathrooms. The thrill is over in about 2 seconds.
20. Wednesday is the middle of the week; therefore on wednesday night the week is more than half over. You should celebrate accordingly. (It makes thursday and friday a lot more fun.)
21. Welcome failure into your lives. It's how we grow. What matters is not that you failed, but that you recovered.
22. Take some classes that have nothing to do with your major(s), purely for the fun of it.
23. It's important to think about the future, but it's more important to be present in the now. You won't get the most out of college if you think of it as a stepping stone.
24. When you're living on a college campus with 400 things going on every second of every day, watching TV is pretty much a waste of your time and a waste of your parents' money. If you're going to watch, watch with friends so at least you can call it a "valuable social experience."
25. Don't be afraid to fall in love. When it happens, don't take it for granted. Celebrate it, but don't let it define your college experience.
26. Much of the time you once had for pleasure reading is going to disappear. Keep a list of the books you would have read had you had the time, so that you can start reading them when you graduate.
27. Things that seem like the end of the world really do become funny with a little time and distance. Knowing this, forget the embarrassment and skip to the good part.
29. No matter what your political or religious beliefs, be open-minded. You're going to be challenged over the next four years in ways you can't imagine, across all fronts. You can't learn if you're closed off.
30. If you need to get a job, find something that you actually enjoy. Just because it's work doesn't mean it has to suck.
31. Don't always lead. It's good to follow sometimes.
32. Take a lot of pictures. One of my major regrets in life is that I didn't take more pictures in college. My excuse was the cost of film and processing. Digital cameras are cheap and you have plenty of hard drive space, so you have no excuse.
33. Your health and safety are more important than anything.
34. Ask for help. Often.
35. Half of you will be in the bottom half of your class at any given moment. Way more than half of you will be in the bottom half of your class at some point in the next four years. Get used to it.
36. In ten years very few of you will look as good as you do right now, so secretly revel in how hot you are before it's too late.
37. In the long run, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as what you do with the opportunities you're given there. The MIT name on your resume won't mean much if that's the only thing on your resume. As a student here, you will have access to a variety of unique opportunities that no one else will ever have - don't waste them.
38. On the flip side, don't try to do everything. Balance = well-being.
39. Make perspective a priority. If you're too close to something to have good perspective, rely on your friends to help you.
40. Eat badly sometimes. It's the last time in your life when you can do this without feeling guilty about it.
41. Make a complete ass of yourself at least once, preferably more. It builds character.
42. Wash your sheets more than once a year. Trust me on this one.
43. If you are in a relationship and none of your friends want to hang out with you and your significant other, pay attention. They usually know better than you do.
44. Don't be afraid of the weird pizza topping combinations that your new friend from across the country loves. Some of the truly awful ones actually taste pretty good. Expand your horizons.
45. Explore the campus thoroughly. Don't get caught.
46. Life is too short to stick with a course of study that you're no longer excited about. Switch, even if it complicates things.
47. Tattoos are permanent. Be very certain.
48. Don't make fun of prefrosh. That was you like 2 hours ago.
49. Enjoy every second of the next four years. It is impossible to describe how quickly they pass.
50. This is the only time in your lives when your only real responsibility is to learn. Try to remember how lucky you are every day.

Be yourself. Create. Inspire, and be inspired. Grow. Laugh. Learn. Love. 

Welcome to some of the best years of your lives.

"Some things need to be said over and over again at the risk of sounding like a broken tape recorder. Its just meant to be that way."