Differ

Playlist

Different by Ximena

Rediscovered music I used to like and who's song titles and artists were always beyond me. Nostalgic, and slightly ironic. After all these were songs I liked and over time ceased liking, although I probably would have declared them timeless favorites back then. And now, months and years later, I'm back, although when I left them behind, I would have thought they had lost their allure. So its like looking back, while looking forward, and you come to realise there are some things don't change even though they seem to change. And then there are things that change, while remaining the same. Yes I studied Murder in the Cathedral by T.S. Elliot for my Literature exams.

In a way, I sometimes wonder if its the same with relationships. Yeah, there are numerous people who drift away and never come back, but there are those who you stumble upon again somewhere along the way in your life. They may be friends of new friends, family of new friends, your banker and more. I cannot profess to have lived long enough to see many people who drift away come back, but I have observed this trend from my admittedly teeny sample size of my life and social circle and... This is the conclusion that I've arrived at. Somehow, roads cross, people come, roads diverge, people leave and at the end, we reach this roundabout where you see people opposite and you can't talk to them, but they most certainly are there. Its a lonely feeling? Where you wonder why you ever met if you'll never really be as close ever again. You're lonely not because there isn't anyone, but rather, because the people left. The remembrance of the shared yesterday is what makes the today that you're spending alone feel awful. And thinking if there will be anyone there tomorrow makes it even worse? No wonder people want to get into a stable relationship... Something about the security of knowing there will be someone who likes you and will talk to you when you wake up the next morning is very appealing.

And because of all of these, on the days that I feel a wee bit annoyed and strangely prophetic, I try to see how long my relationships will last. I do assure you this exercise is likely to cause a measure of grief, depending on your level of optimism/pessimism, and is not to be attempted by individuals with their plate full. It might cause rifts to occur where there were none, and your friends are not likely to be pleased by your sudden change in friendliness. Believe me, this is the voice of experience, most unfortunately or otherwise.  Anyway, the crux of this lies in extrapolating the potential behaviour of yourself and your friend, and arriving at a guesstimate of how long it'd be before someone blows a fuse. Add in the severity of the disagreement, the potential for discussion and a favourable outcome. Repeat, factor in external environmental changes such as new friends, work changes, family etc, include a margin for error and voila! Your relationship map is ready for use. Please be forewarned that testing this out is to make you suffer and unhappy. For use by masochists, or bored people only.

Holidays this December... Mostly spent moving, training and watching videos. Nothing much to do, which is good, because I really need a break. Studied a bit of Japanese, went out a couple of times with friends, but its mainly been moving. There are really a LOT of things to do when you're moving, especially when your new home isn't prepared yet, so I've essentially moved twice in a month. Crazy. If I could, I will never do this again. Ever. If it wasn't the school holidays, I think I might have died from stress. And the best part is that I'm not even doing most of the work. Not sure what I'd do without my parents. I'm sure I'll be fine when I have my own home, because I'm the type of person that somehow manages alright when things become horrible and I can't rely on others. Horrible aren't I? Useless when there are people around and useful when there aren't because there isn't anyone to leech off. Why am I not surprised that my dad always calls me a leech? 

Not sure what to say already. Have not been doing much recently, and with the lack of new activities, and errr... My infatuation with my bed and pooh...

Good night!

"I'm from a different zone~"

Twist

Playlist

Let's Go Party by 2NE1

Despite the rather 'happening' song title, it's a slow song that is suitable for listening when you're semi awake and unbearably tired. Which is how I feel like now after standing at Botanic Gardens MRT for the past hour as I wait for a friend. You wouldn't want to know how many times I've checked Twitter and FaceBook. It's gotten so bad, there are no seats so I can snooze, that I've resorted to writing about it on my blog. Thank goodness for blog apps. Life would be endless stoning and meditation and temper tantrums if it weren't for technology. People really need to learn to be punctual. Not asking for you to be early, which I usually am, but at the very least, get your butt to the meeting place on time. 5minutes late would still be acceptable, what with the relatively unreliable bus system. Even 15minutes is fine. But an hour is too much. Bordering on waiting for me to bitch slap you before doing a diva hair toss. Yes, I get annoyed when people reduce my sleeping hours. Not like they are in excess to begin with, so its precious!

Just in case, I'm not really angry mad. Annoyed but that is about it. After all, its the holidays and time should be frivolously spent on doing things that do not require me to rush around like a semi possessed person. Rest and relaxation is always appreciated.

I really miss dance. Watching the Korean pop acts and their dances makes my shoulders and legs start moving on their own. Possessed by the music. Not likely to join the dance clubs in school, cliques and politics are too much for my third year school fried brain, so I'm thinking of joining an external group. Not Studio Wu, because I think its overpriced. If I could I'd go back to HHK, but I need to audition and commit to performances, which is a problem. Not sure how to get around this, and I doubt there is going to be a simple solution. Cost is an issue, dance style is yet another issue and my schedule is already packed with school, cca, work and Japanese classes. Sigh. Seems like the probability that I'll overwork myself next semester is pretty high.

Another thing is that I was offered a fashion internship. The problem is that its 10months, and I'll probably need to take a Leave of Absence if I commit to       this. Awfully attracted to doing this, because I think it would be a good opportunity to explore potential strengths and weaknesses of myself. And I do need to clear my internship component if I want to graduate. Thing is, should I be doing this? I'd be making myself work far harder than expected. I could always pick something simpler and shorter and so called more related to my course. Easier way out of the situation. But life would be so boring if I always chose the easier way to go things. Not in me. Somehow I think I must be slightly suicidal to keep aiming to outfit myself over and about. As if I fear mediocrity and consistency. I might, in a subconscious way. After all, its been a while since I chose the more challenging option in my life.The question that makes me hesitate is the opportunity cost. There is always an opportunity cost, its just whether what you carve out from yourself is worth what you're adding to yourself. Which is why I am still considering.

Red moon hanging in the sky. Reminds me of Zone 00, where its the night of the siege, the fateful night where all the demons that have been haunting you attack at the same time. Night of reckoning per se? Scary thoughts. I think I'm reading too much manga. Comparing the real world to Zone is silly, but the overarching themes are very real? About how the things you do have consequences, even if you feel the backlash 500 years later. How we give in to temptation, how we all make mistakes, how we all have fears that we hide because bringing it to the surface will completely paralyse you. And how we all have a past that often comes up to bite us in the ass. Very real. Very scary in many ways to see the hidden things in you reflected in the book you're reading. Very addictive too!

"Together, we can burn brighter than the sun."

Console.

Playlist

FIRE by 2NE1

I think, amidst the hustle and bustle of my daily life, I've been feeling pretty down. Not out and useless down, but functioning down. The kind where you live day to day, and you always reach your destination without knowing how you got there. And no, there is no way I could have slept the walk from my school to the bus stop. Its the kind of feeling where time just disappears, and you have no idea where it went to. Something like that when you're in between being awake and asleep in the morning? But now through the day and for days. Something must be wrong with me, without me realising that consciously. I've been feeling very sleepy and tired for a few days, but I thought it was just me being lazy and silly because exams have ended. Which was, itself, pretty silly considering how exams were only 3 days ago, but I've been to school every single day. For cheer and meetings. At home, I'm packing my room, my house, dealing with my club's transitions, redoing stupid budgeting proposals... And more, so how in the world did I think I was lazy? URGH. 

Anyway I'm kind of better now. Was moping about and being really slow with packing when I received a message from a good friend. It was just after I've read through 6 plus years of letters, notes, cards and more, and feeling as if all the good and fun times are now over and done with. Was being all sad and slightly teary, when her messaged floored me. It started off simply enough, asking if I was well, and wishing me a happy birthday. I replied that my birthday was just another day and not that important, and guess what? " I won't disagree if you mean birthdays in general no big deal, that's a subjective thing. But if you mean your birthday specifically, you're very wrong, cos you're an individual whose birthday deserves to be remembered and celebrated." I really cried after reading her text, and I suddenly felt so refreshed. 

I've missed the people who will say things like this to me. I've missed the people who aren't afraid of showing me that I'm important to them, especially when I'm full of self-loathing and self-doubt. I've missed the people who won't run from me when I'm depressed and lonely, who'll look at me in the eye and tell me I'm special and amazing. I've missed the non-fair weather friends. I seem to be surrounded with people who's response to a sad me is to run away. Or ignore me until I'm better. Or let 'other people' who 'understand' me better console me. Well, evidently I'm expecting too much from most of my friends. Just one of those selfish people who cannot be bothered to rescue me, and yet expect me to rescue them whenever they have problems. Tired of these people who keep taking whatever I can give. The response to any and every argument we have is that someone's right and someone's wrong, and they avoid conflict by claiming they are in the wrong and sorry. Or they'd just pretend there isn't a conflict and avoid. Wait for me to get 'better'? What if I never do? I'm too fabulous to feel insecure? Rubbish. Too good to fail? I wish.

Somehow I've turned the sadness into anger once again. Sigh. I guess its easier to vocalise and express my feeling as anger than sadness. I don't like to be all weepy. Its easier to be angry at someone/something. At least it doesn't paralyse you. Fear and sadness are two things that makes it difficult to continue, so I try to get over it. Convert all of it into destructively constructive energy and do something. Make up for all the times I've been sad and useless with inactivity. Forget about the pain as much as possible and continue with homework, revision and trainings. Am I trying to hard? I don't really know what exactly I'm trying to say anymore. Ought to stop before I'm completely out of point...

"Yeah I'm cold to the core."

On-demand

Playlist

I Kissed A Girl by Glee

I need to admit that I watch Glee for its musical numbers. Somehow, Season 1 was for the story, Season 2 was for Kurt/Blaine and Season 3 seems to be pulling out all the stops in songs for Santana. Excellent as I love her voice. The only thing I'm sad about is how Tina seems to be disappearing in Glee. Would really love Glee more if they tried to focus more on Tina too? I don't think I have ever heard a proper Tina solo since... Season1? Sigh. Hoping for more developments in the next few weeks.

Exams are over! Supposed to celebrate, but I head back to school everyday for meetings, trainings and other school related things. Why is it that I am unable to extract myself from school? Sigh, the sad life of being in the committee. When you're higher up on the hierarchy, the nearer you are to the people who hurl orders, and they turn to look at you all the time. The price I pay, but I guess its worth the title. Learnt a lot of things about others and myself, did a whole bunch of things that required higher order mental facilities and essentially moved away from naive little girl to cynical bitch. Not that I was ever really naive nor am I anywhere near as bitch-y as some of the girls I know, but you get the drift. Not the same girl I was when I stepped up to take up the position. Manipulating people is a very important skill to learn. No one can get through life easily without remote control-ling a few people here and there along the way. Being able to do everything makes you capable. Doing everything is stupid. And delegating everything to the right people is the hallmark of leadership. Yeah, there are some things that only you can do, but there are many things in life that many other people can do. So there's a need to understand the comparative advantages. Not the absolute advantage but the comparative advantage. Tricky little devil that we're not trained to find, but not finding it means running the whole show on your own, which is silly. The opportunity cost is the many beautiful things you could be doing with our precious time.

A string of activities all lined up for next few weeks. Gonna try my hand at a part time job around Christmas until next March too, so I foresee myself running myself ragged if I'm not careful. The main issue now is how many classes I should take next semester. Its either 3 or 4, and either way, I can graduate in time. Main concern would be how much time do I want to spend in school, how much time I want to allocate to my job, and more pressingly, cheer. Do I ignore my knee? Do I go ahead and fight for the trophy? Should work be of a higher priority? So many questions and no clear answers. There is this part of me that really wants the trophy and is willing to do anything for it. I mean, which self-respecting cheerleading president would want to leave the club before getting a trophy? Doesn't make sense to settle for 4th place when you know you were 1 point away from being 3rd. The competitive streak in me wouldn't let me walk away without putting on a fight, and with the team this year, assuming everyone commits to the competition, we could come back with 2nd if we're careful and dedicated enough. Naturally, my concern is the dedication factor. There's no way that I can win that trophy on my own, I need another 4 girls to be as dedicated, if not more dedicated, to be able to take that trophy. Which, as usual, is the both the problem and the solution that I am looking for. I guess things will depend on what I see from now to January. Will just do my best for now and hope everything works out fine.

Pressured this company that annoyed me until they gave in. Not going to say who they are, you should know if you've been keeping up with my FB and Twitter, since they've been smart enough to take measures to rectify their error. So no, I won't humiliate them on my blog and let them plummet into the annals of shame in cyberspace. Its important to ensure that you have a good corporate communication team in a company, or at the very least, a very good crisis management team. The new world is made up of people like me who have no qualms sending a few very politely snarky emails to demand compensation. Its part of what we're taught, that we are entitled to good service and we won't baulk and pointing out discrepancies. So yes, do hire me as part of your corporate communication staff, at the very least, you will potentially have one less snarky customer to worry about. I promise to be able to deliver sincere and effective communication to ensure that your customers are kept happy and non-irate. Customer service is vital to a company after all. Shameless self-plug ends here~

The song has been on repeat for something close to 2 hours. I really ought to get myself the full collection of all Glee songs. Repeating it on YouTube isn't exactly great fun, although I know it contributes to the revenues of the company. Hey, I don't believe in stealing songs if they can be purchased. I mean, its near impossible if its only released in a certain country and not allowed to be exported, the song isn't available on iTunes nor any other legal site, nor can I get it through any video website. Otherwise? I don't see a reason to steal music. Just my opinion.

"It felt so wrong/ It felt so right/Don't mean I'm in love tonight~"

Candy

Playlist

Candyman by Glee

Annoying day. Woke up with the light in my face because I forgot to draw the curtains. Birds were squabbling at the balcony, and my neighbour slammed the door close. Wanted to go back to sleep, and when I nearly did, the stupid alarm went off. Lo and behold, its the day, the one day in the year, where I wake up dreading what's going to happen. I'm not sure why, but its as if every year, to make up for the awesome luck I have usually, nothing good has ever happened to me on my birthday. Its either an exam, which has been the case for the past 3 years, me falling ill, when I was in secondary school, losing something important, junior college days, or something equally depressing. The best birthday would be one where absolutely nothing happens. I spend it reading books in the safety of my home, putting the existence of every other human on this planet far far away at the back of my head. Not that I dislike company, because I really don't, but because there's this expectation that is unfair to people. The best solution would be to avoid human contact and live happily ever after. Which is not really possible. So I just quash everything and speak in riddles for the whole day, hoping that people get the hint that I really don't want to to talk to them. Anti-social right?

One more paper before the end of this horrible semester. I just need to clear one stupid accounting paper that is worth half of my total final grade. Not that I expect the next semester to be anything better, but at the very least, I won't have to think about exams during my birthday. The happy thing about the second semester is that you have summer to look forward to, a summer of meaningless exploits in the name of fun, even when you have internships that beg completion. Things are better in summer, where all you think about is having fun and wishing you were gallivanting along the streets. The good thing about being a student are the time you have to waste away without worrying about productivity during the holidays. The time I spend lazing in bed and staring at my pooh to incite an imaginary conversation out of him. Times like these are what makes me sane. When I enter the workforce... I see myself taking a number of days off at totally random times.

Older and none the wiser. Fatter, lazier and increasingly jaded. Drifted apart from some buddies. Depressed, often hungry, and watching my expenditures skyrocket. New friends, new home, one more shot at Nationals. Travelled alone, learnt that there are people out there who find me attractive, and came back with new-found confidence. Spoke a new language, saw the world through someone else's eyes and explored the boundaries of my limits. I have to agree, that travelling gives you a wider perspective. It tells you how racist you are. It tells you how intolerant you are. It tells you how adaptable you are. It tells you how great and how lousy a human being you are. That's all. You learn about yourself. That's all. No more, no less. The important thing is how much this information is worth to you. Is it worth the amount of money you need to pay for your ticket? Is it worth the risk of being robbed, getting stranded and more? What will you give up for this information? Can you find out all these things about yourself on your own? Some of us can, others cannot, and there will be those who live like children their entire lives, because this information is a heavy weight dragging you down to the bottom. Of course, what you do with this knowledge is a concern too. Will you pretend you never found out how ugly you are? Will you boast about your strengths? Will you scurry away from the discoveries you made and go back into your shell? There is no right nor wrong answer. The answer will always be 'It depends.' because what works for one person often does not work for another. Most of us will let our subconscious decide on the path to take. Others will consciously make an effort to utilise what they've learnt. And there will always be those who just forget everything the moment they reach home. People.

Been addicted to Scrabble recently. Playing non stop. I have always liked games that need some measure of brain power and Scrabble is loads of fun. Doesn't hurt that its a game to be played with other people, and luck is an element as well, so its a gorgeous combination of the best things in life. Well to me at least. I'm certain that there will be those people who think its a complete waste of time and effort and would rather go to bed than play Scrabble. To each their own I guess. This is my idea of relaxation and fun. Deal with it.

Oh, and I think I am more of a journey person rather than a destination person. 

"Good luck smile my way."

Wind

Playlist

Ugly by 2NE1

I can't frown. Anyone who knows me personally can attest to that. I can try, but it ends up looking like a cross between a frog face and a retarded face. Which kinda gives me a retarded froggy face. Facial muscles aren't developed enough to frown I suppose. Somewhere inside I always thought I might have been a devolved version of a human being because I don't possess enough facial control muscles to frown. Yeah, musings of a semi deranged girl who was born middle aged and never seemed to grow up. It's quite a mouthful, but I promise you it makes sense if you think about it.

Annoyed with parents. As usual. I think we all get annoyed by these seemingly mature individuals who have so much control over our lives. I profess that they are seemingly mature because they do things that they tell me are childish and should be avoided. Things like indiscriminately venting their anger out on everyone and anyone. Things like leaving their dirty dishes in the sink and expecting others to wash up after them. Things like watching television at horrendous volume levels at night. Things like forgetting to do things entrusted to them by others. And more.

I'm not saying that my parents are horrid, though I probably could because they once told me that they had never wanted me to be born but that's a story for another day. And they also told me that forgiveness isn't something that I should expect for my errors, but that's also another story for another day. The thing I'm trying to say today, would probably be that being mature would be learning to live with the truth of my reality. I'm not perfectly mature and 'adult' all the time, and in knowing this, in a very ironic way, is a long of maturity.

Of course I do plenty of silly things. Ok not as many as what I'd like to be doing, and in all likelihood less than many of my peers but I go enough to qualify as a kid. And I'm glad to be this way. I'm not ambitious and aiming to be a high flying professional. What I want, is quite basically, my own place. I don't mind if its a little room, though I'd definitely prefer a house of my own. Rentals are fine. Which means I need to earn enough to pay rent and my expenses. Living hand to mouth is kinda alright too. Blasphemous right? What about the low risk, low expenditure, high savings, collectivist, communal and filial values of my Asian upbringing? The thing is, I like freedom. I like doing things at my own pace. Like packing my cupboard in the dead of the night. I don't want to live at someone else's pace, which is very likely to cause me problems if I ever got married. Not that I'm going to get married anytime soon.

I think this streak in me makes it hard for me to get along with others. People want security. Hanging out with a friend who's like the wind, and expects you to be rock steady is kind of a tall order. I can leave but you can't. You need to trust that I love you but I won't trust you. Double standards and superb contradictions abound. Which is why I think I'll never get married. And I'll never be able to have really solid relationships with people. Sigh. I guess I'll just grow old with my tanks of jellyfish.

By the way, I'm supposed to be studying for my exams. First one on Monday and I've yet to cover all the material. 4 papers and none properly prepared for. Ggxx. As always, my life is exciting because I make it out to be so. Hopefully I'm not faced with Cs at the end of this semester. Academic suicide is really unpleasant. Wish me luck~

"Unable to say anything, because you wouldn't listen."

葬

Playlist

花葬 by L'Arc~en~Ciel

Always liked this song. Everyone has an all time favourite song, and this is mine for Larc. With the concert recording just a few days away, I really hope that I can memorise all the lyrics of all their songs? A wee bit tough as Larc is a 20 year old band, but I'll do my best! Birthday present to myself :D

Ah, about birthdays. Mine is coming up and I feel lonelier with every passing day. Its the worst when I wake up on that day. The feeling of staring at yourself in the mirror while you prepare to go to school alone for an exam is THE WORST EVER. Doesn't help that no one in the entire examination venue will know its your birthday. Doesn't help that most of your friends would be too busy to remember. The moment where on the public transportation, you look into your reflection in the mirror and wonder if the world will change if you weren't there. Probably not, is the very disappointing answer that stares back at you. Oh, and I hate insincere wishes. Which is why my birthday isn't available on FB nor anywhere else. I am such a disgusting person aren't I? Make that little mental leap from what I've been saying. And if you don't get what I mean, its better that you don't. I am in no hurry to introduce my friends to the deep dark recesses of my mind. Psychotic tendencies are contagious after all.

Not sure if what I'm saying is ANYWHERE near the truth, but I love Larc's new song Chase. Maybe its me, but its a hopeful song. Its a dark song, but somehow, it feels like one of redemption? (Please don't start singing Gackt's Redemption to me I'd punch you) Not sure how to explain. As if, even though its a song about losing your way and losing things, there's a choice to fight on and play on and prove yourself? I may, of course, be completely misinterpreting the song. There have yet to be any official lyrics, which makes it possible that all my musings completely out of whack. Then again, who cares what it actually means as long as I like it? Oh, oh, another song I've been spamming is Glee's Rumour Has It/ Someone Like You mash-up. It is superbly terrific. One of the few songs that makes me want to break into song in the middle of the street? Of course I can't sing, so I probably never will, but the temptation is really there. I can probably do the dance, but the song is way out of my league. So unfortunate. Sigh.

Best thing to do during the study week: Hug a pillow, eat ice cream and blog while listening to music. Indeed, I am one day plus behind on my revision but for some strange and inexplicable reason, I don't feel any remorse. Which is bad news considering how my first exam is in a mere 3 days. The question now is whether I am worried because I am not worried about the exam, or I am worried because I am not worried about my slow progress. It is two rather separate kind of worries and... I just realised that instead of worrying about my worries, I should probably begin on my work. Sigh. I hope this laidback attitude doesn't cost me too much in terms of my final grade. I can just imagine myself flunking accounting and finance and doing poorly in corporate communication and economics. Depressing thoughts cloud my November, which is why I often engage in the consumption of overtly sugary confectionery in the hopes that it will negate all the negativity inside me. Quite difficult as there is a limit to how much I can eat, no I am not a bottomless pit although you might be inclined to think so, and that it wears off. Furthermore, sugar crashing hurts.

I think my gastritis might be linked to the fact that my dinner is becomingly increasingly pathetic. I know I'm really lucky to have someone cook for me? But the food is getting reduced everyday? I know leftovers are problematic, but its as if all I eat at home is white rice. Sorry, white rice with some soup. Maybe something like 20g of meat and 15g of vegetables. Which kinda might be the reason why I keep feeling like I'm dying after 11pm. I'm not sure how to tell my family that I need more nutritious food, and that that lump of meat isn't gonna be enough, because they keep asking me to eat more rice. I can't complain cause my parents would throw a freaking hissy fit and start going on about the joy of someone preparing food for me but... Your daughter's stomach lining is being steadily eroded. And I wake up in the morning feeling ill, because sometimes? Its been something like 14 plus hours since I last ate. Thats more than a day. No wonder I feel supremely awful every single day.

"You and I have history, or don't you remember?"

Chase

Playlist

Chase by L'Arc~en~Ciel

The new song is pretty different from what they've been producing up to date. A lot more synthesizer and there's quite an obvious hook and all. In a way, it sounds a lot more like what you'd expect from pop groups? I can totally imagine 2NE1 performing to something like this. Of course Chase is far more mature and rockish, but the fact that I can even associate it with 2NE1 speaks for itself.

And if the format of this post is a wee bit queer because I'm typing this on the go. On my phone no less. It's an application I found from the Android Market. Not an official app because there isn't one available, but this seemed pretty decent, which is why I've decided to try it out. Rest assured that my blog will always chart the me who tries to compose her thoughts in complete sentences and will ponder the intricacies of structure. Not about to abandon my blog for Tumblr anytime soon. There are, nevertheless, likely to be alterations, such as shorter paragraphs. This is because on the teeny screen I have (well compared to my laptop anyway since I might possible have one of the largest touchscreen phones around) it seems far too lengthy, a paragraph such as this. It might benefit me in the long run by encouraging more concise paragraphs, but I think I'd hope to maintain my meandering thoughts. If there weren't any convolution, I'd be one heck of a sad gal.

Running a flu and my final, most important presentation this semester is tomorrow. Yes I have classes in Saturday because of the holiday on Monday. I think I've mentioned repeatedly that my school has a policy of having make up classes on Saturday? So yes, my class is at 3pm. Superbly nervous because I know how terrible my.performance becomes when I'm running a flu. Everything seems to be moving faster than what I can deal with and I can't seem to hear myself right. Doesn't help that my nose is like a leaking dam and its highly uncomfortable to have a feeling of an overflowing nose. Gross and annoying to the maximum. So yes, having a presentation isn't the best idea, but I'll deal with what I can get. Hopefully I don't feel so awful tomorrow. Perhaps I should volunteer to be the first group to go. Reduce the amount of pain I'll have to go through and let's me rest earlier. Touchwood... Really hoping it tides over by tomorrow so that I can show the other group how very epic we are. Competitive til the day I die.

Exams are around the corner and I don't have much motivation to study. I think it might be because of the flu, but I have been being a lazy sloth for the past few days too so I really wonder. Really hope I do well this semester and with the majority of my grade reliant on my finals, I ought to be drinking the contents of my textbooks and notes. Sigh. Help me find the drive to study? No way that I want to repeat my triple C performance of last semester. Really horrible. If I weren't in New York at that point in time I might have offed myself in despair. Even then, I did go into a state of shock. Cried in the bathroom while showering so that my roommates wouldn't be able to see how I wad breaking apart. Even then I think they kinda guessed that law this hollow shell-shocked mess. Not sure how I survived the next few days... I think visiting the Strand helped? I know I was awfully testy in Taiwan and I only properly recovered when I went to Japan. I think the horrible illness I had between Taiwan and Japan, when I was in Singapore, might have been my body's way of catching up with the mental stress. Like I said, I'm pretty competitive so I don't do well with abject failure. In essence, me needs to study so that I can improve my gpa and smile properly again.

Call me what you will for being so grade conscious but I like doing well. It matters to me. It makes me happy to go well. So yeah. Go ahead and judge me, I don't really care. Everyone have things that matter to them. For me, seeing an A grade makes me jubilant. I don't comment on your infatuation with collecting pencils or barbie dolls, don't put for collecting pretty grades.

"Calling, the fallen angel, rolling, on cold asphalt..."

Experiment

Playlist

Tomorrow by Tablo ft. TaeYang

This overwhelming sense of loneliness, and the fear that I will grow old and die alone, not even with the cats and jellyfish I would probably rear. Thus, although I never really thought I'd say this, but I am. I think its about high time I stopped being single. Yes, this is the moment you gape at me incredulously and ask me what took me so long. I suppose it took me this long to realise that people around me will one day die and leave me behind... No I am not an idiot, and yes, I have always known this, but there is a HUGE difference between knowing and KNOWING. When a good friend of mine told me she was afflicted with an incurable disease, I nearly cried in front of her. She'll probably never be able to have children on her own, and she'll live her days watching what she does, doing whatever possible to extend her life and quality of life. I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like... The knowledge that any day could be your last. That the sand in your hourglass is running out so much faster than everyone else, and this crazy healthy friend of yours declares she's given up and she'll never get married and never have kids even without really trying to be in a proper relationship. I would slap that friend.

I say this, but I know I need to start somewhere, which isn't likely to be anywhere anytime soon. I think I'm someone people don't want to date because I come across as a person who doesn't need anyone else? Friends have told me that I have this aura that pushes people away. As if they aren't important and I don't need them. According to them, its fine with friends because you expect to be just one of another of crowd, but with a significant other... I understand that it does get painful to be with someone who doesn't seem to need you at all.

Yet, I think its quite sad, because no matter how much I appear to not need people, I really do? I look away, but I think its because I believe you'll always be there with me? That I don't need to guard over people I love, and that they will love me and stay with me. Which leads to a lot of problems, as I have realised, because no one would feel secure with chasing mindlessly. Maybe I should have done more to give people a greater sense of security? Was I so careless to hurt people the way that I've been hurting? If so, I apologise. I'll work harder to hold your hand and never let you go. I'll do my best to let you know that you're special to me. I'll let you know I care, because you are important to me. Of course I do wonder if this alone is enough. Will I look back and think of myself as a fool for hoping people will be satisfied with this? Perhaps you might think this is unnecessary because people who want you will stay on their own. I cannot really determine the effect of this right now, but I bear with me while I try to find out if this is the right approach.

I think we are all a little stupid when it comes to things that are really important to us. Like how I smile like an idiot when I see Pooh in the morning. Like how I sometimes wish he could be with me. Like how I start crying even when I'm happy when I hear a certain song. I guess its part of me to behave in that way, and I believe there is this portion in everyone. We don't show it all the time, but it exists, nestling there in our subconcious mind. It erupts from us, and I think the part of me that I like best would be this. Not the me who can play tennis. Not the me who does Mathematics. Not the me who does the budgets. Its the girl who does laundry when she's annoyed. Its the person who studies with a pillow and a soft toy in her lap. Its the me who adds smiley faces to each message in the hopes that people don't misinterpret my moods. One individual, different facets. 

I should head to bed. Going to have breakfast with my family tomorrow morning and I should not keep them waiting while I bid fond farewells to my pillow and bed and bolster and Pooh for another few hours.

"I will wait for that time to come. I see now. Right now I am trying my best to improve myself, for myself."

Cereal

Playlist

Fire by 2NE1

Old song but I love it. The kind of song that you revisit after a while and it doesn't lose its lustre. One of the few girl bands that I listen to, so if you're not a big fan of high pitched and squeaky girls shaking their assets and not being able to sing, I'd recommend them. Doesn't hurt that the clothes they wear is pretty? Not skanky, more edgy. Shameless, unpaid advertisement. Their PR person had better thank me.

I think I grew up a little bit today. Not sure if anyone will approve, but I re-learned how to walk alone today. I typed something pretty lengthy (for Tumblr) on Tumblr, and I'm not going to repeat it here. Each post has its place, and I think it belongs there, so you can head over to read... All I'm going to say is that if you misunderstand, I'd feel sorry for you. It's not a brutual "I hate you let's split" but a more genial "I think we should reconsider how things are" post. I don't think I can ever hate you? I never actually hate the people I leave, because if I hated them, I wouldn't be with them in the first place?  I will always love the people I love, in spite of all the pain and heartache. Just my personality to do so, but it doesn't equal to staying with you. As I've mentioned, you're no longer my number one. I am. Simply because if I wasn't anyone's number one, this part of me which is insecure and immature would cringe and wither and die. So I became my number one. So in a way, I've learnt to be as selfish, and to choose my path based on where I think I want to go, rather than where you'd like me to go with you. Is this me being immature? I wonder. Because I feel part of being an adult is knowing when to stop being a bench warmer. When to stop being an option. When to stop being on the wait-list. To walk away from being the spare tire in the boot of the car who deflates while waiting to be of importance.

Anyway, killer week is over! Submitted all my reports and most of my presentations are done and over. One more to go, but then again, I've never really had stage fright so I'm not nervous... All I'm afraid of is forgetting stuff, which happens when I don't have cues or if I didn't write the part that I'm presenting. Yeah, I'm a Corp Comm major, but that doesn't mean my memory is fantastic awesome. Especially if you want me to memorise the history of commercial banking in USA and I don't have any visual cues at all. And if there are problems when setting up the laptop and I'm the first presenter? Sorry but I'm not THAT good yet. Yes, this happened to me in Finance. Major mess and I'll learn from this. Next time I'm not going to prepare one night before, no matter how last minute the meeting to consolidate is. Too much grief with no cues... Either that or I need to foresee such issues when I do slides. Stupid me...

This post is taking longer than usual because I was silly enough to paint my nails just before typing this. Which means I'm using something like 2 fingers to type. Ridiculously difficult as I don't want to scratch the still-wet nails. The lengths girls go to beautify themselves... Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself? I like painting my nails because I love the colours. The awful smell and insanely long time its takes to dry are problems that future producers of nail polish need to resolve, but the colours... I just love colours. Anyone who's ever seen me in real life would know that I always play with colours. Makes me feel good, and nail polish adds another dimension of colour to the overall outfit? If I could, I would change the colour of my polish everyday. I'd probably kill my nails with all chemicals though, so I think I'd refrain from doing so. Really hoping that people who develop nail polish can come up with a solution to its toxicity soon.

L'arc~en~Ciel live will be shown in theatres later this month! My birthday present to myself. Then again, this whole month is to celebrate my birthday! I mean, why make it a one off thing if you can drag it an entire month? Make myself happy and reward myself for surviving all the insane projects and making it to another year. Part of my policy to make myself a happier person, to cherish myself more. Not that I have been physically abusing myself, but mentally? Hating myself and reprimanding myself all the time isn't the way to go...

I think I've decided that I don't ever want to be a housewife. Taking care of my mum and brother is virtually driving me to the edge. I don't deal well with blood and sick people. Not that I cannot, but I had rather not. I feel sad if people aren't well and because I cannot do anything to help them. The feeling of helplessness is horrid. I'm not a control freak, it's just too painful to watch people suffer and there's not a thing you can do to alleviate their pain. I am not a compassionate person per se... I just don't like people to suffer from physical wounds and to look halfway to the place where no one wants to go to. Sigh. Not that I won't take care of my family, I love my family!, but I don't like doing it. I'm not that unfeeling!

"Can you hear me?"

Posies

Playlist

Bad by Tablo

I feel guilty for blogging. This is the first time I'm feeling this way. I've never ever felt guilty for blogging, not when I had an exam the next day, not when I was supposed to be doing work, not when I was in class and not paying attention. I guess it was because I was always of the belief that time is mine to do what I want with, and blogging was a choice. It still is a choice, but the opportunity cost in this situation is the time I could have spent crafting a report for my accounting project that is due in around 24 hours. Each moment I spend here is increasingly expensive in terms of my overall grade. I'm less worried about the presentation as I can just extract the gist from my report. The report is the foundation of which I build my presentation, without which I might as well not do the presentation...

Ah, I dislike having regrets, so I am glad that we broke apart from those leeches. Yeah, we were 'mean' to these poor kids who came to Asia expecting a holiday and was saddled with such a high level class. Too bad. They came at a time where I'm sick and tired of having to clean up after the mess that other people create. If I had seen more effort, it might not have been so ugly? Oh and I know effort, because I am a cosplayer. I know when you put in time, and when you don't and when you leave things to the eleventh hour, desperately hoping for salvation. I know because I have been there, and I can see parts of myself in your laziness and sloppy work. So easy to go there, so hard to go past it.

Wanting to become stronger means you need to be willing to sacrifice blood, sweat, tears, time and effort. You need to steel your mind to take the damage, and you need to know your body to know your limits. And you need to combine both to really get somewhere. It hurts, you feel like giving up, but you force everything to hold together, because you want to achieve something greater. Its discipline and this little bit of insanity to keep wanting something so badly that you can tolerate the pain. Its one small step at a time, convincing yourself every inch of the way. Its closing your eyes to the risk, its blocking out snarky remarks of people who don't believe in you. Its about learning to smile at the end of the day even though things have been awful. Its about realising that the world doesn't end with every setback and that when you wake up, even though you can't reset things, its not as if the world will literally end. Not all thorns, and not all pretty posies. And its fine like this.

Love Tablo. And 8eight. And so many more songs. If you're keen on knowing what I listen to, I would recommend my Tumblr account. I post PVs and MVs of songs that I loop on my playlist. It may not be for everyone, but I think its good to listen to music that we aren't immediately familiar with. Helps us to think about things. In my case, I don't like being able to understand my music. It interferes with my appreciation of the sounds. I'm not sure how to explain this, but its the reason why I barely listen to English and Chinese music, and why I'm withdrawing from Japanese music. Its a process of me learning new languages and abandoning its music once I know what the lyrics mean. Strange habit of mine...

No longer really attending Japanese classes, which saddens me greatly. No way I can give up, but I can barely proceed with the crazy amount of work I need to plow through. I think I will only really sit down to cram come December when my exams are over. The thing is I need to come up with a way to make sure I really do so. Its so easy to run off into the fields to play with my psycho friends or get caught up with moving into my new home. More effort required on my part, of which I've been making on sad excuse after another to avoid. Really need to get to it before I make my teachers in JENESYS sigh in disappointment...

"Wishes that are granted without effort will lead us to ruin."

Burden

Playlist

ホソイコエ by シド

Break up song done Japanese style is really heart-wrenching? Nothing like those pathetic English songs which talk about going back to clubbing and partying. Its about the little things that make you remember the person. The moments of loneliness where you suddenly wish that person was here. Habits that become a painful part of your life immediately after that person leaves. Not like mainstream pop songs that keep repeating the same chorus over and over again. Just some of the 101 reasons why I love シド. Their songs are to describe people, albeit done in poetry and verse. Of course you need to understand Japanese to be able to understand, but I feel that Mao sings in such a way that you know its a sad song if it should be a sad song. Its obvious when its a happy song, because the upbeat tune is very recognisable? I love シド!

Suppose to be adjusting my balance sheet for Qantas but I'm taking some time off to blog. Been rather moody for a few days because I've been doing nothing but work. No entertainment at all. Utterly depressing. Not anyone's fault, because everything is due 2359 on 30th October.  My FIIM report and presentation. My Corp report and presentation. My IEA presentation. Neither FIIM not Corp is anywhere near submission-ready, and these are the projects that really matter. Sigh. I'm really tired anyway, so I'm just going to be lazy and not continue. Its a good thing my group mates don't visit this site or they'll have my head. Call me irresponsible, but compared to the other 2 people in the group who have barely contributed an ounce of work? I think I deserve a short break. Just a bit of time off and going to bed early... I need a rest from staring at those disgusting balance sheets and income statements before I really lose it.

Its boring to do work with no holiday in sight. I guess working people look forward to the weekend and their public holidays? Well, as a student who goes back to school everyday, regardless of whether its a holiday or weekend... I think working life would be far more enjoyable. My holidays only start on 28th November. Which seems like light years away when you are drowning in your project. I know its just barely a month, and I have projects due and exams to take... Nevertheless its too far. Not like I have anything really substantial to look forward to during the holidays. And I already know its going to be an exceedingly short break. So I'm not going to touch any work AT ALL. Just play and sleep and laze my days away. I know I'm gonna be busy with school work and trainings once the semester begins proper, and I still need to overlook renovation works at my new home... Hopefully I manage to get plenty of rest. Body has yet to break down, so I ought to reward it with a proper holiday. Taking care of myself like every intelligent individual would.

I think my blog posts are getting far shorter because I'm running out of meaningful things to say. Swamped and brain squeezed to the extent that I can't really come up with anything too complex to discuss here. Just living day to day from hand to mouth is already proving to be difficult. Been super long since I felt this swamped this badly... I guess I could always rely on at least a few other group members to pull their own weight. Ah well, its a wee bit too late to give up now, just going to plough forward and hope nothing goes wrong. At this stage, everything is still possible if we all work consistently... Trying to be optimistic because the moment doubt creeps in, I'd probably surrender under all the stress. Lesson learnt form cheer: Never give up because once you do, everyone else will throw in the towel with you. Partially a mental game I'm playing with myself. I can be productive for only as long as I believe I can be productive. Quash all doubts and fears and uncertainty. 

"Because you'd be mowed over the moment you stop."

Wheel

Playlist

Back to Tomorrow by 東方神起

Been playing this on repeat for quite a while, which is kind of relaxing, if a bit depressing. Totally reflects my current mood. Hmph. New Japanese album was recently released, and I think its pretty good? As I always tell everyone, I feel superbly embarrassed when I watch TVXQ on Japanese variety shows because they are so good in Japanese. They can easily function without a translator, which is something I still cannot do. I need a dictionary, at the very least, and a LOT of revision before I can even think of running around alone. Conversations would still warrant a lot of gesturing on my part and plenty 'request for explanation'. Lousy me.

Mid terms just ended earlier today, but I spent the whole day in school? Exam followed by training and throw in 2 project meetings for good measure. Typical life of a university student who's active in club activities and has to complete three full projects in 2 weeks. Add non-existent and MIA group members into the mix for good measure. My life is all about chasing deadlines the way pet poodles chase after tennis balls and hoping that the evil meanie thingy chasing after me doesn't gobble me up. Ok, this is a really pathetic example because I am creatively sucked dry. I know people feel that starving and homeless Parisians and New Yorkers make excellent artists, but this girl needs food and comfort to be able to think of witty ways portray a relatively bleak scenery?

I really want a holiday. A proper one? Not sure what I would give to get one. Really relax for one? Wait, I always say that, but the truth is that when I am on a holiday, I always do a million things and never get a proper opportunity to rest. I am always trying to make everyone else happy and I always forget that the only thing I really want is a whole day to myself? To rest and sleep and do whatever I want, or not do whatever I don't want to do. I think, for my 21st present to myself, I'm going to book a night in a decent hotel and just spend the whole day reading and lazing. Maybe go downstairs to swim and gym. Will definitely order room service. Maybe I'll spend the first day on my own? And the second day would be a pyjama party or something? Could be quite fun :D Maybe I should try planning now, although I foresee cost being a huge issue. I mean one night in MBS would probably cost as much as a flight to Hong Kong. Annoying.

Need to get back to work soon if I don't want to screw up this semester. Last semester was really awful for me academically and I need to do everything I can to make sure I don't hasten my academic suicide.

Sorry for the brevity. OMG I just started thinking of Thomas Beckett and Murder in the Cathedral. I miss the good old days of Literature, where life was reading books and trying to figure out the hundred and one unsaid things that probably were never really said but we assumed the author wanted to say anyway. Long sentence, but thinking off Literature makes me like this. Super keen to go on and on forever. Maybe it was my way of escapism. Seeing things in others that I wish I could see and things I didn't want to see, all reflected. Tough, but always entertaining. Teacher was awesome, class was pretty good, text was interesting... It was like a little slice of paradise where you could laugh and say whatever you wanted whenever you wanted. Where copying notes was fun. I miss Literature lessons.

"I fight loneliness and fear by pretending to be happier and more satisfied than anyone else."

Flip

Playlist

波瀾万丈、椿唄 by R指定

This is one of the few songs that feature in my playlist irrespective of my mood? The other is 星の無いの夜に by Deluhi. For some strange reason, these two songs always make me feel better about myself after I've heard them a couple of times? No matter how depressed I am, no matter how sad I am? I tend to cry during 星の無いの夜に, but I always feel more 'me' when I'm done. Its a bit sad how Deluhi disbanded and I feel guilty for being totally out with R指定. Not on purpose, just that I have not really been listening to anything new after returning from Japan? Unless the song is thrust right at me, which is the Korean style, the more subtle self promotion method of Japanese Visual Kei Really sorry... I'll work harder to look for nice songs to recommend!

Not really in a good mood now. Yeah, was reprimanded by my dad for wanting to go on exchange. He's telling me that since I could give up on Japan, I can jolly well give up on anywhere else. I wonder if its me changing, or its him who is losing it, because I have never given up on Japan. Maybe not now what with the mess that is the Tohoku region. Maybe not now what with the crazy exchange rate. It doesn't mean I've given up on it, all I've done is to merely shelve the desire to go there. There is rather big difference? Why else would I be learning the language for three years? Its not something that you throw away or forget that easily. I doubt I'd move there in the foreseeable future, but I think it is highly unlikely that I will stop associating with Japan. It would be like never responding if someone was to call my name.

My options now are 2 very simple places. Hong Kong or Taiwan. I'm not saying that I want to fly to the other side of the world. In fact, I should be making noise to go there what with the excellent exchange rate and all. I'm not suggesting Africa nor America nor India nor China, I picked places with relatively developed infrastructure and where I'd look just like a local. Its not that expensive, it has a pretty decent standard of living, rather safe in Asia... And he had to go and blow a fuse. I can pay for it on my own. I don't need him to pay for it, but it just goes over his head. I really don't understand what is the problem, and its silly to expect me to read his mind to figure it out. Tired of this. Its not that I MUST go on exchange? I would rather go on trips, but no, he says I have been traveling more than him (as if that is even possible) and burst a couple more blood vessels. I am highly inclined to ask him if he wants me to get married and settle down and be a stay at home mother or something. I'm quite sure such a statement would give him a brain aneurysm. What is the purpose of disposable income if you don't dispose of it? I am not allowed to trade, so all the money is doing in my bank is accumulate that pathetic 0.25% interest. Perhaps this is the curse of education. I am not getting any gratification from my savings. Unlike crazy hoarder old people, I do not derive satisfaction when watching the balance crawlingly increase. The interest rate isn't even enough to cover inflation. I might as well spend it and make myself happier OMG.

Ok, this the the limit, two lengthy paragraphs complaining about first world problems. Some people out there cannot even afford a university education, much less exchange. OH. On this note, I read, with slight disgust, Intelligent Life's commentary on rising university tuition fees. I wanted to laugh in the faces of the Europeans. Call me evil, but seriously, they live in this gilded cage where education is a state funded affair. Freaking 2000 Euros for a four year education is pricey? OMG have you seen what we pay here in Asia? You have no idea what I would give for such cheap education. No owing the bank staggering 5 figure sums the moment you step out into society... The relief would be enormous. Such children. I guess the Asian model is vastly different?

On a happier note, my mid terms are almost over! Just a bit more and I can relax for a few days before the mad rush to complete projects begin. And after that would be cramming for the finals. I guess this is the standard life cycle of a student, and I'm pretty used to it by now? After all I am a third year. You have the maturity and stability to balance things out? No longer panicking over every single thing. Things can and will get done if everyone do their best, of that I am sure. So yeah, will only become more active after my exams, but I think you'll still see traces of me here and there. Trying not to be online so often but old habits die hard. Always contactable by a text or a phone call, so don't be a stranger, because I'll always let you know if I'm busy. A thirty minute conversation shouldn't and wouldn't hurt. A three hour conversation might hurt though HAHA.

I miss my friends. Sighs.

"Its not unusual to go out at anytime/ But when I see you out and about its such a crime... Love will never do what you want it to..."

Pause

Playlist

Hot Summer by f(X)

Crazy, but I'm listening to something that appeals to guys more than girls. And its SM Entertainment's girls... Well at least its not as reputation damaging as Girls Generation. At least f(x) has the super cool Amber. Victoria is also pretty good as a singer? And Sulli is adorable in her own way. And I cannot seem to find high quality videos of TVXQ's new song. So f(X) will have to do for now. 

Recess week of this semester. Somehow, my groupmates aren't hunting me down to do work this semester, which is making me very very worried. I need to complete three projects, none of which have much progress? And none of them are fluffy projects either? Suicidal not to start, but what can I do if no one is replying? And no one is starting on the work? I mean while I could start on everything on my own, this is hardly the way to go about it. I can foresee everyone panicking at the 11th hour and we'd probably need to do some crazy repairs to whatever we have to make sure it isn't disgusting. Sometimes, I really hate the culture of my school. Rather, I think I dislike the attitude that exchange students have? They really treat a semester in Singapore like an extended summer holiday, what with the numerous visits to virtually every country in ASEAN to examine the beaches and shopping streets. Annoying to the maximum. Going to study and do whatever I can, because I don't want to be the one suffering when I have three million things to do in October...

If possible, I think I'll try to head to Hong Kong in December. Even if I am going to be the only one going. Not because I want to travel for the sake of traveling, but something tells me that I might really regret it if I do not take this holiday to vamoose out of this country. Highly unlikely that I will get to leave in 2012 because I need to clear my internship component, unless my company sends me overseas, which would be a huge joke. And I don't do well in Singapore for extended periods of time. Not precisely because breathing in humid air kills me, no it isn't the case, but more of a sense that unless I evacuate the country, I can be called up to serve, not in the army thank goodness, but for school. At any point in time they can dial my number and ask me to throw together a bunch of unwilling young adults together to somehow miraculously form a performance for some event in the not so distant future. Which totally stinks, because it means sacrificing sleep, free time and a gazillion other things to bow backwards to accommodate the school. I do appreciate the financial assistance by the school but honestly? I would much rather not be around to watch my team explode into little bits of debris when I need them to come together. They can come apart when I'm not there, I really do not care, but when I'm there... I have key performance indicators to meet, and I am one to deliver. I know this comment would make a lot of people mad, but I think I've done my fair share of community service. The only thing that stands between me and the door is duty, and I think my study of the Japanese language has a part to play in determining my commitment to a sinking ship. Not that I will exhaust brain cells to ponder the intricacies of my addiction to throw good money after bad money, but yeah. Even I have my limits.

Things will come to pass. One day none of us will remember the problems that plagued us, as we lay rotting in the ground. Oops, sorry, in this land scarce island, we don't even have ground space to lay rotting to contribute back to ecology. Taking everything that is thrown at us and sucking the world dry. Seems like an excellent method of maximising gratification. But nevertheless, its all nothing one day. No matter how hard you try, or didn't try, which can be seen as both a good thing and a bad thing? I use it to motivate myself when things get all screwey, but by the same reasoning, it works both ways? Ah, but it does work so...

Thoughts getting all jumbled up. About high time I stopped. Need to study for Economics. Sigh.

"Sometimes, nothing is better than fighting for something."

Choice

Playlist

Paranoid Doll by Gackt

Doing my best to do my best. Of course the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and while I meant well, I was sidelined by the wedding and the F1 concert and the hundred and one little things along the way, such as CCA and stuff. Self distraction ultimate wins. Its some sick ratio, where the more work you have, the more likely you are to head to YouTube and FaceBook. Its like how when you have an 8am class, you stay up typing blog posts or reading books. Its not like I'm even studying for the 2 tests that I have in 2 days. Yes, procrastination is the word you're looking for.

Fear is creeping up on me. About time anyway, since it has been about 7 weeks since classes started. It always happens? Where the fear that you're lousy just slams into you and you hit the floor breathless and wondering if this is the end. I'm not sure if I am the only one who routinely feels this way? I know we all have our moments of utter insecurity but this crippling fear that makes you afraid to go to sleep, because you'll just be a bigger failure when you close your eyes. Because in your dreams things you love are wrenched from you and all that is left is this sense of loneliness and despair, to exaggerate a little. I mean, yeah I know its a dream, and that when I wake up, things can still be fought for and gained, but it just makes me sad?

There are a few songs that always make me sad. Without fail, even when I am feeling happy. I think everyone who knows me knows which song it is because I'm always crying when I hear them. I cannot say the same about songs that make me instantly happy? But I think, although its been so long, I've always been more aware of being unhappy than happy? I get all gloomy easily, but of course I pretend its fine and dandy when I am with people. When I leave my friends, such as when I am taking the bus home alone, I can start crying almost immediately. Not that I am a crybaby, ok perhaps I am, but there's always this sense that there is so much injustice in the world. Not done to me perhaps, but it exists, and in many way, it hurts? My existence is a relationship statement with everyone else, and things just feel horrible... Ok, just ignore me for now. Me thinking too much. First world problems.

I wonder if you feel anything when I say that I like him. Do you feel jealous? Do you wish I would get together with him and stop being so lonely? Do you wish I would forget him and go back to being with you? I really wonder. I don't think its JUST a passing fancy? I'm not the kind of person to like someone for the fun of it. But I'm the kind of person, who while aggressively telling people that I like them, am subtly telling them to go away. To you, and him, I'm the same. Its love, and because its love, I'm sending you away. Even though it feels like we were supposed to be together forever and ever, I know I'm not someone who should be loved that way. Its a warped theory, that because I like you, and because you shouldn't like me, I push you away while asking you to stay. He's far far away and while I desperately try to make things between us go further, I'm asking him to go elsewhere. I'm burning my bridges with him. I know we can never be, at the very least, I believe we can never be, so I'm killing my hope. Killing it in the hopes that the nerves stop hurting and I can go back to the existence I was previously. I regret the day I asked to meet him. But I think if I had never met him, I would never have my current understanding of myself. What price is knowledge? This is something that's going round and round in my head all the time...

Ought to go back to studying.

"I was a fool to give up my honour for the world."

Fortune

Playlist

Random M&D song

I have this feeling that I am beginning to see the way I have created for myself. As usual, I have no idea if it is a good or bad thing. Or maybe its neither. I would be lying if I told you I know full well where I am going. I don't. I'm building the road one brick at a time. Not sure if my road will be a shortcut or take a huge detour but I think I already have my hands full trying to build a road, much less worry about where it goes. I'm doing my best to make sure I don't bury myself in the construction process. I'm doing my best to make sure I don't let it collapse halfway through. I'm doing my best to understand if this is the way I truly wish to go. Hands full, no time to worry about the details. Yeah, the devil is in the details, but when you're running around like a headless chicken, your last concern would be the devil.

Somehow, not to make it sound overtly dramatic or anything, but I know it still will, I get the impression that many people see me as a loner? Or as a very independent person? I am unsure of what to make of it actually? Because while I would agree that I am someone who needs quite a measure of personal time and space, I am socialble to enjoy good company and random madness. I like my quiet time to blog and watch the world go by. I can watch movies on my own; I can even go to the theatre on my own! I make friends with random people I meet at parties when I'm bored, or people watch from the corner when I don't feel like speaking. I am alright with being a wet blanket, and I'm also alright with following along with whatever the larger group wants to do. Ah, a friend once called me a digusting chameleon because I only show my true colour when I am in a vacuum. And people do realise it after a while. A bit off, never really in the middle, not really at the fringes... I seem perpetually busy and somehow, still very relaxed. When I examine my own behaviour, I always wonder what about the kind of person that I truly am. Those personality quizzes? They usually are about 60% accurate as to the type of behaviour I exhibit, but the rationale for my behaviour is rarely correct. Not a fantastic tool. In fact, rather pathetic? My curiosity has brought me to want to visit a fengshui master. or whatever they call those dubious-ish people who attempt to tell you your fate. I cannot wait to hear what they have to say. Met one Japanese fortune teller, oops, palm reader, and he told me a few things that are rather accurate, but he couldn't really say anything that made me go 'Ah! So that's why!'. Maybe my expectations are too high? Hmm. I really wonder.

I think I am someone who is useless when it comes to digital communication. Often told that I sound superbly unfriendly in SMSes and emails. As if somewhere along the way, I was too properly educated in the manners essential in proper letter writing, so every piece of correspondence I write has to be something that my teacher wouldn't be ashamed of. And I have no idea how that got rooted in my thick skull. I mean, think about it, 2 years of hard work and my Economics is as pathetic as ever. Years of Mathematics doesn't make my mathematical ability particularly strinking. And yet, when it comes to English, I respond in the stiff manner typically found only in letter of the 80s where they had gorgeous cursive penmanship and content was modern enough for me to not laugh. And no I am not joking. Indeed my cursive is rather atrocious, but I can assure you that my correspondence are of the calibre that would make the stereotypical matronly English schoolteacher proud. Not sure if this is an embarrassment or accomplishment, but it transcends physically letters and into digital media. In simple terms, if left to my own devices, I would SMS the same way I write a letter.

 Kinda tough to be a girl these days. There are so many expectations, by guys and other girls and by family members and friends and the community and society in general. I think people have written books on these issue, so I shall not summarise, but I wanted to say that this might be the first time I feel that being female is more disadvantageous. You may not believe me, but the truth is that I have always enjoyed being a girl. So many choices and options... And somehow in the past few weeks, I realised that these were all surface choices. The glass ceiling is really very much still there, which is why I sometimes admire girls who can continuously pretend to be a silly thoughtless bimbo. You need a measure of brain cells to get into university, and they play the dumb blonde game so very well. I mean, why do anything at all, if you could get someone else to do it for you? I know my guy friends often complain about girls like that, but honestly, their line of sight narrows to said species of girl whenever one is spotted. Takes them a while to recollect their shattered intellect to say that they 'don't like' girls like that. Boys, admit it. You can't help but be attracted, much like how I instantly turn when I hear someone with a god awesome voice. Its instinctive, and the last time I checked with Scientific American, males are still very much more animalistic than girls, to say it unglamourously. Of course, not all boys are like that, the same way not all girls have a similar weakness to nice sounding guys. But there are enough to make it a trend.

This sudden emo nemo-ness (don't ask me why or how or where, it just EMERGED) might be because of him. I think I must have schizoprenic tendencies because I seesaw between wanting to strangle him and wanting to call him. Both of which are highly inappropriate things to do to somebody you barely know. I mean, yeah I know his address, phone number and a million other facts, no I am NOT a stalker he TOLD ME, but I don't know him if you get what I mean. The chances of us meeting were so slim. The chances of us being able to talk to each other is even more pathetic. But somehow it worked. Tentative but it worked. And now there's nothing and I need to wait until Friday night or Saturday before I get a reply, if I even get a reply. Wait. Why am I even expecting a reply OMG. Like I said online, asking to get my heart broken.

"Evidently, I need to do at least one stupid thing every month."

Renew

Playlist

Losing My Religion by Glee

Brand new Blogger interface. Not sure if I like this yet, because pictures have replaced the normal function names... So its a wee bit confusing. Hopefully I will come to enjoy it? I need to shake up my world a little now and then to make sure that I don't get too complacent. Blogger has been one of those things that has not changed much since ages ago so I guess it was high time I learnt to navigate something new. Seriously need to make sure that the learning ability of my brain isn't adversely affected by the crazy hours I spend on unproductive things.

School is scary as usual. Readings creep up on you, and the next thing you know, the readings that you need to do are thicker than the amount of paper any normal file could store. I should take a photo and show it to everyone. Its really something shocking! I did expect to work but the sheer amount in 4 weeks... Really unexpected. On my to do list would be something like :

1) Corporate Reporting Chapter 5&6 (which is about 100 odd pages OMG) and tutorials (around 30 long questions SO DEAD)

2) IEA readings (OMG this is one is crazy)

3) FIIM readings and tutorial x2

4) Study for Negotiation exam (DIE not started on anything, I dont even have the freaking TEXTBOOK), write Negotiation report (ARGH)

5) Corp Reporting Readings (I can probably survive this?)

Shoot. I think I have been relaxing a wee bit too much. Just realised that the amount of work that I have pending is quite a lot compared to previous years. The mad thing is that we have yet to start on projects, so I think the second half of this semester is likely to be crazy insane. Main concern at the moment would probably be Negotiation as the final test is in 2 weeks! In class. I have no idea what kind of test it will be, but my concern is that it is very textbook dependent, which is likely to be the case as classes have mostly been negotiation practices. Okay. So dead. I ought to start studying. Maybe I should start by buying the book. Not much time to procrastinate and pretend that I have another 7 weeks before needing to worry about my finals. Time flies even when I am not having fun. 

Not that things are that bad? I guess there are bits of happiness in my life, such as meeting friends and teasing my brother? Classes are generally pretty interesting, and for once, the only problems I really have are with my laptop and my school account. First world problems that makes me sound like a whiny and useless spoilt brat but... Its kind of the truth? I really am useless when it comes to technology. Software is still manageable, unless you're talking about Excel which is kind of my worst enemy, but hardware plus settings puts me way out of my league. I'm more of the Victorian/ Romantic era kind of person. I can live fine with my stationery, except I would probably miss YouTube and other videos. Sad eh? To be such a tech noob at my age and in this kind of era...

I often feel strange recently. Maybe its the fact that I'm going to move away from the place that I have called home for the past 6 years of my life? And it has been some of the most formative years, where your character and other finishing touches on your personality is cemented. Not sure what it would be like to move back, except that I would probably lose the high ceiling that I have come to love? I'm not really and outdoor-sy person, but I have enjoyed listening to the birds in the morning? Chirping after resting at the plants... Annoying, but beautiful at the same time? Something to remind you that even though you're still in bed, the rest of the world is up and about and not the least shy to shake you up. Still, I suppose my new home would be somewhere with its on perks? I look forward to finding a nice new spot to bask and laze in the afternoon? Not like this is something I should be thinking of when I have sooo much backlog, but I think its the little things like this that allow me to live day by day. Looking for the little bit of happiness to make me smile, instead of being greedy and demanding complex things that might not even truly satisfy me.

I'm such a high maintenance girl aren't I?

"Everything that you lose is the price you pay for gaining something new."

Article - Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me

Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me When I Turned 18 (Happy Birthday Little Brother)

This is for you, little brother, on your 18^th birthday, and for all the other little brothers and sisters who are being asked by life to please leave childhood behind, thank you very much.

Aug. 26, 2011
 

By Kat George 
 

Little brother, you and I both are very lucky—we have a mother full of wisdom. When I was 18, I wish someone had told me this: that mother is always right. So I am telling you now: all the things she says and does are with your best interests at heart, and everything she tells you will come to pass. When I was 18, I wish someone had told me this (someone who wasn’t mamma), and I wish someone had told me that even though she’ll always turn out to be right in the end, it’s still OK to challenge her in the meantime.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me how young I was. Imbibed with all the new powers—drinking (drinking age in Australia is 18), driving, voting—it’s easy to feel somehow older, but you’re not, you’re still a teenager. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself, hold on to your fearless childhood ways for as long as you can and use your new freedoms recklessly. Experiment with these new things you have (but be safe, little brother) and be you in a million different ways, because you don’t have to settle into yourself just yet.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me it’s OK to screw up; that it’s OK to mess up whatever, whenever, in every which way possible. That failing a subject at uni isn’t the end of the world. That backing your car into another when you’re trying to reverse park isn’t so bad. That your failed relationships, both sexual and platonic, are not an indication of the person you are. Little brother, it’s all right if you break something—because I’m going to be here to love you regardless.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that nothing is precise. What you will learn from books over the next few years of your tertiary education is subjective. You will want to spout platitudes from texts like sermons over dinner and when you’re drunk with your uni buddies. But, little brother, enlightenment is not necessarily in knowledge so much as it is in application. Don’t learn dogmatically from words, but learn to mix them all together to find the shades of grey between them.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that no one wants to grow up. We all want to ride the merry-go-round, to eat fairy bread at parties and to play duck-duck-goose. It’s OK that you want these things too. You don’t have to become quieter, or more ‘mature’—this means nothing. Little brother, it’s all right to keep some of your childish impulses, to spray your ice cream with so much chocolate sauce it appears more like a mudslide than a sundae. You only live once, hold onto the kid inside.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that it’s all right to be scared; that everyone is scared. No one knows what they’re doing or why, but they’re doing it just the same, and so should you. There’s no shame in fearing the things you fear, little brother, because we can face them together. When I was 18, I wish someone told me that all there is happiness, and to love the ones around you. So dissolve your fears, little brother, and don’t let them rule you, because we are so very brief, and I want you to always smile inside your heart. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you become, where you work, who you marry (or if you marry at all) or how much money you have—the only, and most important thing to be in life is happy.

When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that the older you get, the less you realize you know, and that that’s all that growing up really means. Good luck little brother, because even though I’m eight years your senior, I’m still completely clueless. All I know for sure is that I love you more than I will ever be able to express completely.